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Review
Top Gear, episode 3, review: Zara Phillips and Mike Tindall play wacky races as the show comes back from the dead
Jeremy Clarkson must be green with envy. The third episode of the new-look Top Gear came by royal appointment, as sporting spouses Zara Phillips and Mike Tindall became the first members of the Royal Family to appear on the motoring show. Well, it was hardly going to be prang-prone Prince Philip.
First the couple had to drive a Jaguar at high speed through width restrictors with just an inch to spare. Phillips struck the right blend of daring and accuracy, clipping her wing mirror at 98mph yet sustaining no damage. Determined to beat her, Tindall gunned it through at 107mph but smashed his mirror to smithereens and left the bollard as bent as his own nine-time broken nose, so was duly disqualified.
BBC insurers must have had minor coronary when Phillips spun out of control and off the track during her practice lap, with Tindall in the passenger seat of her Toyota GT86, but only her pride was dented. He pipped her in their head-to-head by only a second, while Phillips consoled herself that she’d easily trounced jockey Frankie Dettori's time from two years ago. Bragging rights are all in the equestrian world.
They might have been fiercely competitive, but the couple were also endearingly tactile and affectionate. Glimpses into their marriage came when Tindall teased “I’ve seen you drive faster to Waitrose” and claimed that he usually drives when they go out together “just because she likes a drink”.
In revenge, Phillips revealed that rugby tough guy Tindall loves singing along to West End musicals in the car. She also explained how she had a HGV licence for the horse box and “loves it” when she drives herself to eventing competitions. The warm, winningly natural pair proved such a hit that the Cambridges and Sussexes can surely expect an invitation from producers any minute now.
As former host Richard Hammond knows only too well, part of the programme’s visceral thrill is the ever-present possibility of a crash. This episode delivered a humdinger - in a funeral car. Like Paddy McGuinness put it at the top of the show: “Tonight, Freddie Flintoff nearly kills all three of us.” Who needs horsepower when you’ve got hearse power?
Their brush with death began when McGuinness posited that the perfect second-hand family car isn’t a sturdy Volvo or a sensible Ford, it’s an old hearse. They’re spacious, carefully driven and remarkably cheap. Forget the fact that Flintoff “wouldn’t be seen dead in one”.
To prove his theory, McGuinness spent £1,300 on a disused Daimler hearse. It might have had 140,000 miles on the clock but as he pointed out, they were “death miles: gentle and respectful”. He attempted to convince his co-hosts by putting it through a series of family car-themed tests.
First up was “The Last Space Race”, competing for the last supermarket car park berth against a former Formula One world champion. McGuinness was jubilant: “I just beat Damon Hill in a drag race! In a hearse!” Hill said nothing. With his sparkling personality, it was possibly wise. This was followed by the “Boot Space Challenge” and again, the hearse came out on top.
Flintoff and Chris Harris reluctantly conceded that McGuinness was onto something, so upgraded the old coffin wagon into a souped-up beast called “The Overtaker”, fitted with a ball pool, naughty step, tuck shop and en suite Etch-A-Sketch (“nature’s iPad”, as Flintoff put it).
The Overtaker acquitted itself respectably while racing a Mercedes AMG E63 around a slalom course on Tenby beach. Suitably for a day at the British seaside, it rained throughout.
Then came the fateful challenge: an off-road chase across gruelling terrain versus a Land Rover Discovery. With Flintoff going gung-ho at the wheel and co-pilot Harris egging him on, things went really rather wrong on a hill climb. The Overtaker flipped over onto its roof and kept on rolling.
The screen went dark. Sound crackled and glitched. There was genuine concern in Flintoff’s voice as he was heard repeatedly asking, “Paddy, y’alright?” Fortunately McGuinness was just fine, albeit furious, calling his colleagues “incompetent cack-handed idiots”. And that’s just the part that wasn’t beeped out.
The contrite duo managed to fix The Overtaker enough to take part in the final event: a no-holds-barred banger race against pro driver Sabine Schmitz. “Oh God, it’s the German,” moaned McGuinness. “I thought they’d got rid of her.” Cue crash-bang carnage and The Overtaker finally conking out.
The presenting trio’s camaraderie continued to build, mainly demonstrated via relentless ribbing. Flintoff’s rough-housing and rag-dolling of the exasperated Harris verged on workplace bullying at times, although it was indisputably amusing when the Lancastrian squashed a watermelon onto Harris’ bald head. “You’re using him as a human juicer!” giggled the gleeful McGuinness.
Back at base, The Overtaker appeared a forlorn write-off, but when McGuinness turned the ignition, his beloved hearse miraculously sputtered back to life. “She’s alive!” he cried delightedly.
As the hangar doors opened, his co-hosts hanging off the hearse’s sides like hirsute angels, McGuinness steered it slowly into the bright light, as if ascending to automotive heaven. An apt image because this new-look line-up have brought the ailing motoring franchise back from the dead.