Self-Talk: How You Do It Matters a Lot

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We know so little about it, but we do it all the time. You’re probably doing it right now. Talking to yourself silently under your breath, voicing an internal monologue with an audience of only one. So what is it that your inner voice is saying to you these days? Is it helping or hindering you? Is it friend or foe?

Who was it that said, “When the mind is thinking, it is talking to itself”? It sounds like a quote from a contemporary psychologist, but the source is actually much, much older. The quote is attributed to the ancient Greek philosopher Plato, who lived between 427 BCE and 347 BCE. Plato recognized that when we think, we use words to express our thoughts silently to ourselves (or sometimes out loud when we’re out of earshot of other people).

What you say to yourself under your breath matters. It can shape how you feel and determine the quality of your life. It also shapes how you see the world, and it is your perception of the world that becomes your reality. For better or sometimes for worse, that little voice in your head helps you through the day or makes each day more difficult to bear.

Self-talk has several useful functions. It can help us improve our performance (think of athletes using self-talk to psych themselves up). It can enhance our motivation (think of telling yourself to keep going, that you can do it). It can help us regulate our emotions (think of using calming self-talk to control anxiety). It can also help us solve problems (think of times you have tried out alternative solutions to a problem in your head).

Five Steps to Take Charge of That Inner Voice

1. Recognize that self-talk is normal and that you do it for a large chunk of your day. We all do, well, virtually all of us do. In a university-based study, researchers found that students typically talked to themselves for about a quarter of their daily waking experience (Heavey & Hurlburt, 2008). Some students, a small minority, had no inner speech at all, whereas others engaged in inner speech a third or more of the time, with one student reporting inner speech 75 percent of the time.

Interestingly, the investigators found that students who talked to themselves more frequently tended to report lower levels of psychological distress. This suggests that inner speech may help us regulate negative emotions. Alternatively, it might be that more well-adjusted people just happen to talk to themselves more frequently. Though inner speech may be associated with better psychological health, it depends on whether your self-talk helps you cope with the challenges you face or is yet one more roadblock to your emotional well-being.

2. When that inner voice dumps on you, dump back. Stop yourself when you capture a negative thought in your head. Ask yourself: Is it necessarily true, or does it only seem that way? Is the thought grounded in reality, or might it be distorted in some way? What type of cognitive distortion does it represent—all-or-nothing thinking, catastrophizing, expecting the worst, personalizing things that don’t have to do with you, pinning nasty labels on yourself, etc.?

3. Have a dialogue with yourself. Begin talking back to yourself. Stop whenever you hear your inner voice getting down on yourself. Talk back to your inner voice when things you mutter under your breath push your emotional buttons. Challenge negative thoughts by asking yourself questions such as these:

• Why must it be so?
• Who says it must be so?
• Is there any evidence that it must be so?
• Whose voice is talking in my head when I think this way?
• Whose words does it sound like?
• Might there be another way of viewing this situation?
• What rational thought can I substitute for this disturbing thought?

4. Put some pep in your pep talk. When talking to yourself, focus on what you can do, not what you haven’t done. Motivate yourself to engage in life, reminding yourself that “I’ve got this.” Ask yourself what you can do today to make a difference in your life.

Self-Talk Essential Reads

Are You Too Hard on Yourself?

Hitting a Wall? Try Three Steps to Move Beyond the Obstacles

5. Stop a negative thought in its tracks. You can’t control the thoughts that pop into your head. But, importantly, you can control how you respond to them. We may be able to walk and chew gum at the same time, but the human brain is not engineered to be able to think of two or more things simultaneously. So stopping a negative thought involves squeezing it out by replacing one thought with another.

So when a negative thought pops into your head, think of something else, anything at all, but something that occupies your mind. Or perform a competing response, like rubbing your arm or tapping your fingers. Or picture an image of a stop sign in your mind and say firmly to yourself, “Stop!” Or pick up that favorite book of yours. Or cut the disturbing thought down to size by reminding yourself, “It’s just a thought. It has no power over me.” Find alternative responses that work for you.

Negative self-talk may have become so deeply ingrained that it is hard to imagine any other way of looking at things. It may be difficult to turn a new leaf in your mind and see things from a fresh perspective. Change can occur in a minute’s time, but for it to have a lasting impact, it needs to become a well-practiced habit over the long term. It may help to talk with a cognitive behavior therapist or reach out to a friend. Getting another perspective can help you change your own.

General Disclaimer: The content here and in other blog posts on the Minute Therapist is intended for informational purposes only and not for diagnosis, evaluation, or treatment of mental health disorders. If you are concerned about your emotional well-being or experiencing any significant mental health problems, I encourage you to consult a licensed mental health professional in your area for a thorough evaluation.

© 2023 Jeffrey S. Nevid