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Ever had someone make you question your own thoughts and feelings? That's gaslighting, a sneaky mind game that can leave you feeling lost.
But don't worry, we're here to help you understand it. In this guide, we'll break down gaslighting step by step and talk about what it is, show you different types and share real-life examples.
Best of all, we'll give you practical tips to stand up to it. Get ready to boost your confidence and take back control. Let's dive in!
What Is Gaslighting?
Have you ever been in a fight with a family member or significant other, and they categorically deny facts that you both know are true?
Have you ever had a boss or colleague blame you so convincingly for something they did that you ended up doubting your own memory?
Or, when you've questioned someone about what they were doing in a particular instance, the person turns around and accuses you of being crazy, confused or overly sensitive?
If so, you're no stranger to gaslighting, an insidious form of psychological manipulation that can be hard to recognize and even harder to deal with. A spate of sexual misconduct scandals, workplace bullying stories and political power plays in the news have shed a bright light on the phenomenon of gaslighting.
The goal of the gaslighter is to convince you that "you're misremembering, misunderstanding or misinterpreting your own behavior or motivations, thus creating doubt in your mind that leaves you vulnerable and confused,” explains psychoanalyst Robin Stern, co-founder and senior adviser of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and author of "The Gaslight Effect."
The term "gaslighting" comes from the 1938 stage play “Gas Light,” which was subsequently made into a 1944 movie starring Ingrid Bergman called “Gaslight," a mystery-thriller in which a man slowly tricks and manipulates his wife into believing she’s losing her mind to prevent her from discovering his search for her murdered aunt’s gems in the attic of their London townhouse. When he turns on the attic lights, it causes the gas lights in the rest of the house to dim. The way that the husband lies to his wife when she asks about the light changes is a key component of the psychological process of gaslighting. His aim is to have her institutionalized so he can take possession of the townhouse and the deceased aunt’s fortune.
Types and Examples of Gaslighting
In real life, gaslighting can happen in any relationship – including romantic, boss-employee, or family- and friend-specific – and take different forms.
“The person who gaslights may respond to accusations from his wife by deflecting, denying her emotions, calling her sensitive and crazy and denying entirely despite hard evidence,” says Elnaz Mayeh, director of clinical operations with Lightfully Behavioral Health in Los Angeles.
In such an instance, she continues, a gaslighter may say, “‘You’re paranoid, you’re crazy, you’re overreacting, you're insecure,’ all of which will function as a way to deflect and put the spotlight back on the victim by pointing out what is ‘wrong’ with you and making you question yourself, your perception, your intuition and your cognition.”
Gaslighting is more than mere lying because there's an agenda at work: The gaslighter is trying to undermine the confidence and judgment of the person they're gaslighting.
Another gaslighting example is of someone who has struggled with addiction in the past, but has been sober for some time, who begins acting strangely. This might make their partner think they’ve relapsed and lead to a confrontation.
Mayeh explains that in response to that confrontation, if the person being confronted is a gaslighter, they may say, “‘I’m not acting any different, you’re just being paranoid, you're overreacting and reading too much into things.’ Again, leaving you questioning your perception and potentially feeling guilty and ashamed for the assumption.”
Sometimes gaslighting happens unintentionally – perhaps because of someone's desire to deflect responsibility for a mistake. But some people engage in it intentionally and regularly, and that's when it can have an especially toxic effect.
Gaslighting is "an extremely dangerous form of emotional abuse because it undermines your self-confidence," notes Craig Malkin, a psychologist and lecturer at Harvard Medical School and author of "Rethinking Narcissism: The Secret to Recognizing and Coping with Narcissists."
The whole point of gaslighting is to lead the individual to question their own sanity and recollections, and over time, the gaslighter can break a person's spirit and self-confidence.
There are different faces of gaslighting and it’s important to recognize the various manipulative techniques that can fall under the umbrella of gaslighting. Some signs you’re being gaslit include:
- Your partner insists that you said or did something you’re certain you didn’t.
- Your partner questions or ridicules your recollection of events.
- Your partner calls you crazy or too sensitive when you express a concern or need that goes against what your partner is saying.
- Your partner tells others that you’re crazy or stupid, or they manipulate the truth to make it sound like you’re the one who's lying.
- Your partner distorts reality by changing their story to shift blame or make you look bad.
- Your partner insists they’re right even in the face of hard evidence to the contrary.
Psychological Impact of Gaslighting
Gaslighting can have lasting effects on a victim's psychological, physical and emotional well-being, Mayeh says. Besides leading to self-doubt, being on the receiving end of gaslighting behavior can cause a variety of uncomfortable feelings, including:
- Shame that you're not remembering or doing things correctly.
- Emotional instability, because you don't know what to think, feel or believe.
- Helplessness.
- Confusion.
- Low self-esteem.
"Gaslighting creates cognitive dissonance, given the frequent mixed messages," adds Tony Ferretti, a licensed psychologist in Melbourne, Florida, and co-author of the book "The Love Fight.” "Over time, gaslighting can lead to depression, anxiety, anger, fear and significant insecurity."
The victim may doubt themselves often and feel vulnerable, insecure, powerless, confused and anxious.
“Because it plants doubt in the victim’s mind about their reality, the victim might believe they cannot operate their life without the abuser,” adds Samantha Maeda, a licensed behavioral health clinician with L.A. Care Health Plan, the largest publicly operated health plan in the country.
Steps for Dealing With Gaslighting
If you suspect you're being subjected to gaslighting, you’ll want to take the following six steps to deal with it effectively:
In the moment when it happens, "don't engage in the debate," Malkin advises. Simply say, "I guess we just have different memories."
By refusing to engage, you stop the person from having additional opportunities to try to convince you that you're incorrect or that there's something wrong with your memory.
If the person swings into attack mode and calls you crazy or otherwise insults you, Malkin suggests setting limits by saying, "It's not OK to talk to me like that, and I will not stay in a conversation where I'm being called names."
In relationships where gaslighting is a regular occurrence, it can take a great deal of self-control to avoid arguing the point, but that’s a key to solving the problem.
"One of the things that keeps people in these relationships is an intense need to stay long enough to convert the other person to seeing your point of view," Stern says.
But if you continuously jockey to get your position back, she warns, you can end up engaging in power struggles all the time.
"In that moment, you cannot convince someone who's trying to gaslight you that he or she is wrong," Stern says.
That's why it's smart to arm yourself with good conversation stoppers, such as "I don't like where this conversation is going; let's talk about this another time."
Addressing the problem with hopes of changing the behavior may be very difficult.
“Some qualities in a person can be changed, and some are harder to change,” Mayeh says.
However, the gaslighter is going to have to participate in that process.
“Acknowledging the problem is the prerequisite for change,” Mayeh explains. “Therefore, if your partner doesn't know or is unwilling to admit they're gaslighting you, they are gaslighting you once again and likely are not motivated to change.”
Gaslighters can do it to themselves too.
“A person who has the capability of gaslighting you can also convince themselves that there’s nothing wrong with them and, therefore, nothing to fix. If they acknowledge this is a problem, they’ll need to work hard to change this tendency," Mayeh notes.
If you’re not sure whether you're being gaslighted, you can get a reality check by talking to a third party you've known and trusted for a long time. Ask them to help you distinguish truth from distortion, Stern advises.
It also can help to write in a journal about your interactions with the gaslighter and your feelings about those encounters.
Maeda recommends gathering evidence, such as saving text conversations or emails, or keeping a record that “allows you to be certain of the situation and not always question yourself.”
The goal is to "get back into the practice of defining your own reality," Stern says. "Focus on your feelings instead of who's right or wrong. And be compassionate toward yourself – it's okay to have your feelings or to need more social support or not to want this relationship."
Seeking Support
If taking these steps doesn't help sufficiently, Ferretti advises seeking professional help. Therapy and expert counseling from a psychologist or other mental health professional can help you heal from gaslighting.
It may also be time to call it quits on the relationship altogether, especially if it's toxic. Mayeh says that leaving the relationship is sometimes the right call, but it “can be extremely hard as the gaslighter's psychological manipulations will slowly but surely chip away at your self-esteem, which is essential for leaving any relationship.”
She adds that if you're unsure of what to do or who to turn to, you're not alone, even if your partner has convinced you otherwise. A mental health professional can help guide you through potential next steps. You can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or by texting “START” to 88788 as well.
The Bottom Line
Gaslighting is a sneaky and dangerous form of manipulation that some people use to assert power and control over their partner or other loved one.
It’s important to stay true to your own experiences, knowledge and understanding when a gaslighter tries to manipulate you.
Seek help and support when the problem becomes disruptive to your mental health or ability to carry on with your daily life.
