The Meanings of Valentine's Day

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Valentine’s Day is approaching. The shops are filling up with heart-shaped chocolate boxes, red roses, and fine wine. The day is for couples to express love to each other and celebrate their relationship. It is supposed to be meaningful.

But is the day meaningful for all people in relationships?

Monogamy

It seems that Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate monogamy. Have you seen a Valentine’s Day advert showing a throuple celebrating their love? It is a wonder why not, given that a throuple is likely to spend more money: Let’s face it, Valentine’s Day is also a commercial endeavour, monetising love. But since monogamy is mostly visible on that day, it might not be meaningful for those in polyamorous relationships.

Is the day associated with the narrative that monogamy is the mark of relationship success? The idea that monogamy is the only ‘normal’ way, and that everything else is ‘alternative,’ is what we call monomormativity. With reports of rising awareness of diverse relationships and more people being interested in the possibility of ethical non-monogamous relationships (meaning consensual and honest for all parties involved), the narrative of Valentine’s Day might need to adapt to fit with a more diversity-aware population to remain relevant and meaningful.

Heterosexuality

In some parts of the country, a same-sex couple celebrating their love in a restaurant on Valentine’s Day still stands out. They can feel watched, like being in a goldfish bowl. This is because Valentine’s Day is full of images of heterosexual couples and is mostly associated with heterosexuality.

It might not be a day that is so meaningful for same-sex couples. For those who do enjoy celebrating Valentine’s Day in public, it is a day that can be quite stressful, too, with potential exposure to homophobia. Same-sex people in relationships may need to consider finding a place that is specific to the LGBTQ+ populations to stay safe.

Valentine’s Day as a Grand Gesture of Love in Relationships

As we continue to think more carefully about the meaning of Valentine’s Day, how about the very idea of love? Valentine’s Day encourages the idea that the occasional grand gesture of love (posh restaurant, flowers, and champagne on the 14th February, and, maybe, on birthdays and anniversaries) is what needs to happen to make a relationship last, the occasional events to look forward to in feeling that the relationship is worth continuing.

Some people who feel unsatisfied in their relationships describe Valentine’s Day as a truce for their otherwise neglected connections. They believe that a good Valentine’s Day soaked in strawberries and champagne and perhaps an expensive gift can keep the relationship going. It’s almost like thinking winter is bearable because of the promise of spring.

But what if it was the opposite? What if those occasional grand gestures were actually the problems contributing to the neglected relationship? Barker and Gabb (2016) conducted studies of intimate relationships and found that among the most important ingredients for enduring love in relationships is not the big things but the everyday small things: how people feel appreciated and wanted. If you get the small things right, the grand gestures become the cherry on the cake that enhances a nurtured relationship rather than a plaster on the cracks.

The small things that are the essential ingredients of a solid relationship are simple, but they are easy to forget because life gets busy. We are often caught up in prioritising achievements, careers, money, or parenting over noticing the small things that our partner(s) do, like emptying the dishwasher and thanking them for it. How about giving a hug to your partner(s) for no reason at all other than expressing your delight that they are in your life?

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Too often, people in relationships feel a sense of obligation or duty to stay in a relationship that doesn’t feel right for them. Of course, if a relationship isn’t satisfying, it is recommended that they seek relationship therapy (also known as couples therapy) to try to resolve issues, but it is equally important to keep in mind that people have the right to choose to leave.

This is important because when people remind themselves that they have the right to leave, they can be more conscious about staying every day. Indeed, perhaps expressing every day to each other why they choose to be in the relationship, why they decide to go to sleep and wake up next to each other, is the very building block of a solid relationship: ‘I’m grateful when you make me a cup of tea first thing in the morning,’ ‘I love when you laugh,’ ‘I enjoy sharing this hobby,’ ‘just knowing that you’re here brings me joy,' etc.

Noticing what our partner(s) do right and expressing it is so much more profound than criticising them for their flaws. It doesn’t mean we should never ask for some reasonable adjustments, but it means we need to learn to think about the benefits of having our partner(s) in our lives in a balanced way.

If you enjoy celebrating Valentine’s Day (I do!), and if you want it to be truly meaningful, pay closer attention to all the other days of the year.