A Man Walks Into A Bar Jokes
A man walks into a bar
He orders a Martini, takes out the olive, puts it on the table and drinks it. Then he orders another one, again taking out the olive and drinking the Martini. And again, and again, and again…
At the tenth Martini, the bartender becomes curious and asks: “Why are you always taking out the oliv...
At the tenth Martini, the bartender becomes curious and asks: “Why are you always taking out the oliv...
A man walks into a bar.
He sucks at limbo.
A man walks into a bar...
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you...
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A man walks into a bar and downs three shots of whiskey.
The man loudly proclaims, "All lawyers are assholes!"
A big, burly man next to him at the bar turns around and says, "Take that back."
"Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an asshole."
A big, burly man next to him at the bar turns around and says, "Take that back."
"Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm an asshole."
A man walks into a bar
and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
...
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey...
A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.
The barkeep says "That'll be 2 pence"
"2 pence!?" said the man. "That's cheap! Do you sell food?"
"Yep" , said the barkeep
"Alright, I'll have a steak and chips" replied the man
"Sure" said the barkeep, "That's also 2 pe...
The barkeep says "That'll be 2 pence"
"2 pence!?" said the man. "That's cheap! Do you sell food?"
"Yep" , said the barkeep
"Alright, I'll have a steak and chips" replied the man
"Sure" said the barkeep, "That's also 2 pe...
A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey
When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.
As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.
The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...
As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.
The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...
A man walks into a bar
And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.
"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.
"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.
So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...
"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.
"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.
So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.
"$3", says the bartender.
The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.
This happened for 3-4 days an...
"$3", says the bartender.
The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.
This happened for 3-4 days an...
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A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.
He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink.
“I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.
“That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies.
The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole.
“Oh God. I’m sorry. H...
“I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.
“That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies.
The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole.
“Oh God. I’m sorry. H...
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A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,
"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...
"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...
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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet
The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...
A man walks into a bar and asks for the bill
The bartender looks confused and tells the man he didn't order anything.
The man says I know, but I own the zoo down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,... walked into a bar. I'm here to pay for the damages.
The man says I know, but I own the zoo down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,... walked into a bar. I'm here to pay for the damages.
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A man walks into a bar... (NSFW)
He orders nine shots.
The bartender apprehensive asks, "whats the occasion?"
The man mumbles, "first blowjob."
The bartender brightens up and pours nine shots and lays them out.
The man downs all nine in a row.
The bartender still smiling says,
"hey, make i...
The bartender apprehensive asks, "whats the occasion?"
The man mumbles, "first blowjob."
The bartender brightens up and pours nine shots and lays them out.
The man downs all nine in a row.
The bartender still smiling says,
"hey, make i...
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A man walks into a bar with his monkey....
"Hey, you can't bring a monkey into my bar!" yells the barman.
"Ah, but he's trained and won't be a problem" replies man.
"Okay, but any funny stuff and you'll have to leave....what'll it be?" relents the barman.
"Just a beer would be great, thanks"
As the barman is pouri...
"Ah, but he's trained and won't be a problem" replies man.
"Okay, but any funny stuff and you'll have to leave....what'll it be?" relents the barman.
"Just a beer would be great, thanks"
As the barman is pouri...
A man walks into a bar and says “I’m here to drink my troubles away!”
“Well you’ve come to the right place.” says the bartender, “What’ll it be?”
The man replies “One water please”
“Just a water??”
“Yeah, I have kidney stones.”
The man replies “One water please”
“Just a water??”
“Yeah, I have kidney stones.”
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A man walks into a bar...
...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.
"Take this apple."
"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."
"Trust me, try the apple."
The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"
"Yup. Turn it around."
"Wow!...
"Take this apple."
"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."
"Trust me, try the apple."
The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"
"Yup. Turn it around."
"Wow!...
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A man walks into a bar...
He sits down at the counter and starts getting himself really good and drunk. Like, properly pissed. After a while, he feels a certain heaviness in his colon, so he calls over the bartender.
"'Scuse me," he asks blearily. "Where's the bathroom?"
"Oh, it's right down the hall!" the bart...
"'Scuse me," he asks blearily. "Where's the bathroom?"
"Oh, it's right down the hall!" the bart...
A man walks into a bar.......
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good...
A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...
Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...
A man walks into a bar with a tiny piano and a 12 inch pianist.
He sets the tiny piano down at the bar, and the tiny pianist starts playing up a storm. The bartender looks at the man and says, "That's amazing, where did you get that?" The man replies, "There's a genie outside your bar that will grant you one wish."
The bartender runs outside and sure enou...
The bartender runs outside and sure enou...
A man walks into a bar with an octopus
He says “A hundred bucks says my octopus can play any instrument you give it!”
One man hands him an acoustic guitar. The octopus fiddles with the strings a bit, then strums out a rendition of Wonderwall.
A woman from the back hands the octopus a trumpet. The octopus fiddles with the va...
One man hands him an acoustic guitar. The octopus fiddles with the strings a bit, then strums out a rendition of Wonderwall.
A woman from the back hands the octopus a trumpet. The octopus fiddles with the va...
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A man walks into a bar
and he sees this small man playing the piano. The man, astounded, asks the bartender why there is a small man playing the piano in the bar. The bartender pulls out a dusty old lamp and says that there is a genie in there and that he would grant one wish to anyone who frees him.
So the man wal...
So the man wal...
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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of the finest whiskey...
...the bartender looks at him a bit weird since he's alone, but pours the man a shot. The guy says, no, I'd like them all lined up, ready to go. The bartender this this is a bit odd, but the bar is empty, and figures, why not, this guy probably had a rough day or something. The man starts with the f...
A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.
He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...
"what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...
A man walks into a bar and sees another man at the bar with a dog next to him.
He says to him, "Hey there, does your dog bite?" and the man says "No mate, my dog's the friendliest creature in the world, you can do anything with him."
So he goes to pat the dog and it absolutely goes for him and by the time three other men in the bar manage to get it off him he's bleeding...
So he goes to pat the dog and it absolutely goes for him and by the time three other men in the bar manage to get it off him he's bleeding...
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(British joke) A man walks into a bar....
He says to the bartender "Hey, if I show you something amazing can I drink for free?" The bartender agrees, and the man proceeds to pull out a tiny, one foot tall man with a miniature piano, places him on the bar, and he begins playing. "Wow! Okay your drinks are on the house, but where did you get ...
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A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag
The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts pl...
A man walks into a bar and notices a jar filled with $10 bills. He asks the bartender what it's for, and the bartender explains,
"We have a challenge here. If you can complete three tasks, you get all the money in the jar."
Intrigued, the man asks what the tasks are.
The bartender says, "First, you have to drink an entire gallon of hot sauce without crying. Second, there's a pit bull out back with a bad tooth, and you h...
Intrigued, the man asks what the tasks are.
The bartender says, "First, you have to drink an entire gallon of hot sauce without crying. Second, there's a pit bull out back with a bad tooth, and you h...
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A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as ...
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as ...
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A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich
A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...
A man walks into a bar and asks for a vodka and orange juice...
The bartender says, Sure thing, turns around and mixes his drink, and sets a human skull shaped into a mug in front of him.
The man says, WTF! I just wanted vodka and orange juice!
The bartender says, Yeah, that's a Philips head screwdriver.
The man says, WTF! I just wanted vodka and orange juice!
The bartender says, Yeah, that's a Philips head screwdriver.
a man walks into a bar....
a man walks into a bar, puts an iguana and a frog on the bar and orders a pint.
the barman spots this and says "oi, wtf are you doing bringing them in here?!?"
the man takes a sip of his pint and says to the barman "i bet you 100£ i can make the frog sing".
the barman says "ok, ...
the barman spots this and says "oi, wtf are you doing bringing them in here?!?"
the man takes a sip of his pint and says to the barman "i bet you 100£ i can make the frog sing".
the barman says "ok, ...
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
He asks for a coke and a mango juice for his newt Tiny.
The bartender asks “Why is he called Tiny?”
And the man replies “Because he’s my newt!”
The bartender asks “Why is he called Tiny?”
And the man replies “Because he’s my newt!”
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A man walks into a bar and strolls up to the counter
Without a word he pulls out a miniature piano and a foot tall man from his jacket. The tiny man immediately starts playing a beautiful sonata.
"Thats amazing son. Where in the world did you get him from?", asked the bartender.
The man pulls out a magic lamp and sets it on the counter...
"Thats amazing son. Where in the world did you get him from?", asked the bartender.
The man pulls out a magic lamp and sets it on the counter...
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"
He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"
The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta g...
The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta g...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A man walks into a bar with an octopus...
He puts the octopus down on a barstool and tells everyone in the bar,
"this is the world's most talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument you can find - in fact, i'll bet $100 that nobody here has an instrument that this octopus can't play."
Somebody in the bar pulls out a g...
"this is the world's most talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument you can find - in fact, i'll bet $100 that nobody here has an instrument that this octopus can't play."
Somebody in the bar pulls out a g...
A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink.
After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.”
The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.
“Pssst… that color looks nice on you.”
He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”
The barte...
After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.”
The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.
“Pssst… that color looks nice on you.”
He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”
The barte...
A man walks into a bar…
He goes up to the counter and bets the bartender free drinks all night if he can prove his dog can talk, to which the bartender agrees.
The man asks the dog, "What is on top of a house?"
"Roof!" says the dog.
Not good enough according to the bartender so the man tries again.
...
The man asks the dog, "What is on top of a house?"
"Roof!" says the dog.
Not good enough according to the bartender so the man tries again.
...
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A man walks into a bar in Vegas.
He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish."
The bartender knows this type, a...
The bartender knows this type, a...
A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks for a beer. The bartender stops him, and says "Well, before you order, let me tell you about our special."
He directs the man's attention down to the end of the bar, where there are two huge chunks of meat hanging on meat hooks.
...
He directs the man's attention down to the end of the bar, where there are two huge chunks of meat hanging on meat hooks.
...
A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar and sees a farmer sitting at the bar looking depressed.
The man walks up to the farmer and asks "What's wrong with ya pal?"
The farmer replies "Oh, some things you just can't explain"
The man then says "Try me"
The farmer looks at the man and begins...
The man walks up to the farmer and asks "What's wrong with ya pal?"
The farmer replies "Oh, some things you just can't explain"
The man then says "Try me"
The farmer looks at the man and begins...
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a glass of less. The bartender looks at the man confused “ Whats less?”
The man then shrugs his shoulders “ im not sure, but my doctor tells me i should be drinking it.”
The man then shrugs his shoulders “ im not sure, but my doctor tells me i should be drinking it.”
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
He puts a frog on the table in front of him.
A woman at the other end of the bar watches as the man just sits there drinking while the frog watches him. Curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she walks up to the man and asks, "What's with the frog?"
The man looks at the woman and...
A woman at the other end of the bar watches as the man just sits there drinking while the frog watches him. Curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she walks up to the man and asks, "What's with the frog?"
The man looks at the woman and...
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"
The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...
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A Man walks into a Bar...
He heads straight for the Bartender and asks
Man: "If I show you a good trick, will you give me a free drink"
Now the bartender has had a good night so far and made a good profit, so he agrees.
The Man reaches into one of the pockets on his jacket and pulls out a tiny piano, r...
Man: "If I show you a good trick, will you give me a free drink"
Now the bartender has had a good night so far and made a good profit, so he agrees.
The Man reaches into one of the pockets on his jacket and pulls out a tiny piano, r...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar. Already bar hopping and a little drunk he looks at the huge jar full of cash behind the bar. What’s that jar filled with cash for he asked the bartender? The bartender says it’s an ongoing bar bet. You put $20 in the jar and you complete 3 challenges and you win all the money...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A man walks into a bar...
... and says to the bartender “I’ll take a whiskey coke please.”
The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter.
The man, baffled, asks “what the hell is this, I wanted a whiskey coke.”
The bartender says “take a bite.”
The man ta...
The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter.
The man, baffled, asks “what the hell is this, I wanted a whiskey coke.”
The bartender says “take a bite.”
The man ta...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A man walks into a bar... (kinda long)
A man walks into a bar and orders his first drink, about 5 minutes later he calls the bartender down.
He tells the bartender "I bet you $200 I can bite my eyeball." The bartender quickly agrees as he sees this as easy money. The man then pops out his glass eye and bites it.
"Damn it ...
He tells the bartender "I bet you $200 I can bite my eyeball." The bartender quickly agrees as he sees this as easy money. The man then pops out his glass eye and bites it.
"Damn it ...
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a little head...
*After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head."
The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on an desert...
The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on an desert...
A man walks into a bar when a nun sees him
"you are just a sad man, the Lord probably doesn't love you because you are a drunk" said the nun
"One beer, I was just going in for ONE beer, also what do you know, maybe drinking is not that bad after all" replied the man
"getting drunk is a sin, drinking little alcohol always lead...
"One beer, I was just going in for ONE beer, also what do you know, maybe drinking is not that bad after all" replied the man
"getting drunk is a sin, drinking little alcohol always lead...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A man walks into a bar
orders a drink. Downs it really quickly. Orders another. Downs that one too.
The bartender says “Hey, buddy, are you okay?”
The man says “No, honestly, I’m not. I wanted to surprise my wife, and… I caught her in bed with another man.”
The bartender says “Oh, man, that’s awful! W...
The bartender says “Hey, buddy, are you okay?”
The man says “No, honestly, I’m not. I wanted to surprise my wife, and… I caught her in bed with another man.”
The bartender says “Oh, man, that’s awful! W...
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”
"Because…He’s my newt.
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