Jew Jokes
144 jew jokes and hilarious jew puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jew that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for the best Jew jokes? Look no further! We've collected the funniest, most clever jokes about Jewish culture and heritage.
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- Short Jew Jokes
- Jew One Liners
- Jew Money Jokes
- German Jew Jokes
- Old Jew Jokes
- Mexican Jew Jokes
- More Jew Jokes
Funniest Jew Short Jokes
Short jew jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jew humour may include short diamond jokes also.
- Why do Jews get Circumcised? Because jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off
- I'm starting to think Jews really do run this country but don't want to jump to conclusions, this my first time visiting Israel
- It's funny how Jews, Christians and Muslims have fought each other for centuries. Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
- Why haven't I ever met a full blooded jew? All of the ones I've met have just been Jew-ish
- Judaism is a lot like the pH scale. On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.
- How Many Jews Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? Who needs a light bulb when you have eight candle? Happy Chanukah, y'all.
- I'm starting to think this country really is run by Jews But it's still only my first week in Israel.
- Some man I just met thought I was Israeli so I cracked the 10 lost tribes of Israel joke to him and he got gassed.
- A: Whats's worse than a worm in the apple? B: The Holocaust.
A: What's worse than the Holocaust?
B: 5 Million Jews. - What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews? The way they traveled through the chimney.
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Jew One Liners
Which jew one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jew? I can suggest the ones about gold and silver.
- Christians, Muslims, and Jews are always fighting, but Hindus never have any beef.
- Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane? osMoses
- The Jews may be the "Chosen People"... ... But the Muslims are the "Randomly Selected".
- So God, a Jew and a zombie walk into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey Jesus"
- "Dad, why are there no jews on jupiter?" "Because its a gas planet son"
- When do Jews go swimming? When it Israeli hot
- They say there's safety in numbers... Tell that to 6 million Jews
- Why did the Jew vote for Obama? Because he promised change.
- There no such thing a fully committed Jew. Most of them are only Jew-ish.
- What do you call gingers in auschwitz? Concentrated Orange Jews
- Who had it worse than the Jews in 1941? The Jews in 1942.
- I've never met a full on jew They were all just sort of jew-ish
- What do Jews throw when they riot? Mozeltov Cocktails
- How does a jew make coffee? Hebrews it
- My friend is 1/8th Jew He's Jew...Ish
Jew Money Jokes
Here is a list of funny jew money jokes and even better jew money puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I feel sorry for Anne Frank... First she gets her diary published, which is every girl's worst nightmare, but on top of that she doesn't get any money from it, which is every Jew's worst nightmare.
- Why were piggy banks made? To keep the Jews away from the money
- Why are piggy banks actually pigs? To keep Jews away from your money.
- What do you call a Jew who is terrible with money? Bernie Sanders.
- Jews aren't good with money and I can prove it! How often do you hear about one bringing home the bacon?
- How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb? One they're just like the rest of us except they're good with money.
- You can't go to a synagogue without giving money to the rabbis. You have to pay your Jews.
- A wise man once said, "There is safety in numbers". Yeah?! Well, tell that one to six million Jews!
- Why do Jews Have So Much Money? They always keep the tips.
- What do you call a Jew with no money? A Liar
German Jew Jokes
Here is a list of funny german jew jokes and even better german jew puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why do German shower faucets have 11 holes? Jews only have 10 fingers.
- A German and a jew walk into a bar... The German farts.
The jew starts crying and says "Not again". - Why do German shower heads have eleven holes? Because Jews only have ten fingers.
- I asked my German friend how many jews there are in Germany today He replied: I don't know, do you want me to gas?
(This is conversation actually took place like an hour ago) - There are more Jews than Native Americans... I guess genocide is just one more thing Americans are better at than Germans
- Shame to admit, my german grandpa told me this joke How do you calculate the escape route of a jew?
Chimney Height * Strength of wind - German scientists have discovered a new drug, derived from the bacteria *Adolfus hitlerii*, which will be applied to people with ADD. Its ad campaign will carry the slogan "It helps Jew concentrate"
- A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”
- What do Germans call a flying jew? Smoke.
- A Jew recently sued the German government retroactively for crimes against his religion. The judge said "I think we should discuss this in my chamber"
Old Jew Jokes
Here is a list of funny old jew jokes and even better old jew puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Jew problems An old jew comes to a rabbi and says: "Please help me, my son became a christian!"
The rabbi replies: "i can't help you, god has the same problem." - What do Jews and metalheads have in common? Both like the old Testament.
- A jehovah's witness knocks on a door An old jew opens it. The jehovah's witness asks excuse me, sir, but have you had a chance to read the bible?
Oh, my dear, replies the jew, we wrote it. - Two old Jews were sitting on a park bench... ...one of them says, "Abie, I heard about the fire at your warehouse, I'm so sorry."
Abie says "Shhh...it's tomorrow." - Why do Jews only read the Old Testament? Because they're too cheap to buy the new! *ba-dum-tss*
- I've got washboard abs. As soon as I can find someone with clay-jug abs and someone with jews-harp abs, we can get started on our old-timey-hobo-band abs.
- What's the difference between Canadian baseball and an old testament drug dealer? ... One has the Blue Jays in it, the other has the Jews blazin' it.
- What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew? A pizza doesnt scream when its put in the oven.
Old but gold, Ive been sitting on that for awhile and I see we're doing Jew jokes now. - We've all heard the old joke 'how many Jews can you fit in a car?', well how many trans-gendered people can you fit in a car? Well that depends... are they Jewish?
- why does the old testament have so many prophets? because jews made it
Mexican Jew Jokes
Here is a list of funny mexican jew jokes and even better mexican jew puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Don't be racist; be like Mario He's an Italian plumber, made by Asians, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, runs like a black man and grabs coins like a jew.
- How to not be racist Be like Mario! He's made by the japanese, he is an italian plumber, looks like a mexican, runs and jumps like a black man and grabs coins as fast as a Jew!
- Do not be racist Be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
- What do you call the elusive Mexican Jew? El Cheapacabra
- What is a Jew's favorite Mexican food? Carne Masada
- There's an asian, a jew, a black, and a mexican in a car. Who's driving? Google.
- Super Mario is the most diverse video game character. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
- A Mexican and an Israeli couple have a falling out and break up "I'm sorry Moshe, it's not me, it's jew"
- Three guys walk into a bar Three guys walk into a bar
A mexican
A Jew
and an Irishman
the irishman says something foolish i cant remember! - A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored man walk into a bar... The bartender says get out.
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Jew Jokes
What funny jokes about jew you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean precious jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jew pranks.
My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke
A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".
Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor
A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
What are you reading, old man? he asks.
I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.
I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.
How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to h**...? asks the KGB agent.
I already speak Russian."
In USSR we had this joke
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
An old Jew is on his deathbed.
A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."
He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."
And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.
So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"
A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.
He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:
"Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot."
Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"
A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.
Jew: "Can I help you?"
Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"
Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."
Witness: "No way?!"
Jew: "Yahweh."
A jew and a Chinese man are in an argument...
The jew says, "I hate your people for what you did at pearl harbour". The Chinese man says, what do you mean? That was the Japanese!". The jew replies, "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same. So the Chinese man says, "Well I hate your people for sinking the titanic". The jew says, "That's ridiculous; an iceberg sunk the titanic!". The Chinese man responds, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Silverberg, you're all the same".
A Chinese man and a Jewish man are sitting next to each other on a plane.
Suddenly, the Jewish man slaps the Chinese man across the face.
"What was that for?" asks the Chinese man..
"For Pearl Harbor" says the Jewish man.
"That was Japanese. I'm Chinese," the Chinese man says.
"Chinese, Japanese" what's the difference?
Few minutes later, the Chinese man slaps the Jewish man.
"What was that for?" asks the Jew.
"It's for the Titanic."
"The Titanic? That was an iceberg..."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?" says the Chinese man.
A Jew walks into a church to see what it's all about
Before the pastor begins his sermon he exclaims: "Jews are not welcomed in this church! All Jews must leave immediately".
The Jew gets up, walks to the podium on which is standing a magnificent statue of Jesus, picks it up and says: "come on Yossle we are not welcomed here"
The Jewish way
As a Jew I have a soft spot for jokes about my own people, and this is one of my favorites that isn't so well known.
A Jewish man walks into a w**.... The madame asks him what he'd like. He asks if any of the women there can have s**... "the Jewish way". Puzzled, she goes to each of the unoccupied rooms, and asks the woman inside if she's familiar with having s**... the Jewish way. Finally, they get to the last room. Inside is a p**... who's extremely talented, and is one of the most expensive in the area. She asks, "do you know how to have s**... the Jewish way? This man's looking for a woman who does". She responds, "no, I haven't. But to stay at the top of my profession, I'm always looking to improve. If you teach me how to have s**... the Jewish way, we'll do that free of charge".
The man accepts the offer, and they have s**.... She's surprised to find that it's just regular s**...! Afterwards, she asks "What were you talking about, 'the Jewish way'? You just had s**... with me, the most expensive h**... in town, for free?!" He smiles and replies, "that's the Jewish way!".
A British Jew is to be knighted by the King.
He is to kneel in front of him and recite a sentence in Latin when he taps him on the shoulders with his sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:
"Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot."
Puzzled, His Majesty turns to his advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"
A young black Jew asks his father, "Dad, am I more black or more Jew?"...
"Why do you ask?" asks the Dad.
The boy says, "Well, a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100, or just steal it."
A jew in his deathbed...
A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.
As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
-Why... is no one... in the shop...
An Arab and a Jew stand in front of a h**... statue.
The Jew spits on the statue.
Arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.
The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.
An actual joke that was told by Jews during World War II
An SS man says to a Jew in a concentration camp: "You are to be killed today, but I will give you a chance. One of my eyes is a glass eye. If you can guess which one it is, I will give you your life."
The Jew looks at the SS man and says, "The left one, Herr Corporal."
"That is correct. How did you recognize it?"
"Because it looks so human."
A Chinese guy buys a well from a Jewish guy
The next day the Chinese walks up to the well; when the Jew runs up to him and shouts, "STOP! I sold you the well; not the water!"
The Chinese guy smirks and says "That's exactly why I'm here. How could you store your water in my well and not pay rent?!"
A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... are drinking together.
The Jew boasts about his fertility
"I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!"
"That's nothing," says the Catholic, "I have 10 sons! I almost have a football team!"
The Jew and Catholic looked expectantly at the m**.... "Well?"
"I have 17 wives. I almost have a golf course!"
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins.
They start arguing what they should take and what they should give to God.
The Christian draws a circle and says, We throw the coins into he air, and whatever lands in the circle, we keep.
The Muslim says, No no no. Whatever lands outside the circle we keep.
The Jew says, How about we throw it in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps, and whatever falls to the ground we keep.
A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.
The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and *bang* they kill him.
The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." *Bang*. He, too, is killed.
The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to die?"
And he responds "old age".
A Korean and a Jew
Jew: Hey... weren't you people responsible for Pearl Harbor?
Korean: Uh... that was the Japanese. I'm Korean.
Jew: Pffft, Japanese, Chinese, Korean. What's the difference?
Korean: Well wait, weren't you people responsible for sinking the Titanic?
Jew: Uh... that was an iceberg.
Korean: Pffft, Rosenberg, Goldberg, iceberg... What's the difference?
A Jew living in the Soviet Union applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.
As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.
I see that you applied to move to Israel? asks the KGB officer. The Jewish man nods.
Here in the USSR, don't you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in the USSR, don't you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in the USSR, don't you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?
Because There I can complain!
A Jewish man was talking to a Hindu man
Jew: Yeah, so in my religion we only believe in one God.
Hindu: No way!
Jew: Yahweh
My daughter saw me eating prosciutto
True story: my daughter saw me eating prosciutto and clucked her tongue. "I think eating prosciutto is like, the worst thing a Jew can do."
I am Jewish, so I asked, "Why is that?"
"Well, it's pork and it's expensive."
A Jew, a Catholic, and a m**... all walk into a bar...
The Jewish man boasts, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic man says, "That's nothing! I have ten sons. One more and I'll have a soccer team!" The m**... stands up and proclaims, "Big deal! I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
A Jew, a Catholic and a m**... were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting...
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the m**... replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.
I said, "Don't jump."
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What denomination?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.
--Emo Philips
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A Jew is a person who follows Judaism, and pizza is a food...
I bet you expected a Holocaust joke. Jew thought wrong.
What do yu get when you cross a Jew?
Christianity.
a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.
At 3:00 AM there's b**... on his door. It's the KGB.
You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?
He nods.
Here in Russia, you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why you apply to move to Israel?
Because *There* I can complain!
Don't be racist, be like Mario...
He's an Italian plumber created by Japanese people who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican, and runs like a Jamaican, and jumps like a Black man, and grabs coins like a Jew...
What's the worst part about being a black Jew?
you have to sit at the back of the gas chamber.
A Soviet Jew applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.
As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.
I see that you want to move to Israel? asks the KGB interrogator. The Jewish man nods.
Here in the USSR, don't you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in the USSR, don't you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in the USSR, don't you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why do you want to move to Israel?
Because There I can complain!
Why do jewish women like circumcised p**...?
What jew doesn't like 10% off?
A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew walk into a bar
and keep their religions to themselves.
What was so great about being a black jew?
They already thought you were burnt
What does a Jew do at a coffee shop?
Hebrew's coffee
A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**...
A Frenchman, a Jew and a p**... are each sentenced to thirty years in prison. Each man is given one request that will be honored by the jail warden.
A woman, asks the Frenchman.
A telephone, says the Jew.
A cigarette, says the p**....
Thirty years later the Frenchman walks out with the woman and ten kids.
The Jew strolls out carrying a ten thousand dollar commission he has made during the time.
The p**... walks out and says, Has anyone got a match?
If you know an Arab, you don't have to steal...
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.
The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything."
The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you dishonest Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket....."
A men goes to a priest...
-Father, I am a sinner...-
-So, what you've dove?-
-I hid a jew in my basement during the second world war.-
-But this one isn't a sin, it's a very honorable thing.-
-I made him pay 300 pounds a month-
-Well, those are a lot of money but you saved him so you can go and may God be with you.-
-Ok then but... should i tell him that the war is over?-
A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar....
If they weren't arguing they would have seen it coming.
Anne Frank showed a cunning and resolve that any Jew would have been proud of.
Two years rent free.
What does the Jew do with his tea?
Hebrews it.
An old Jewish man walked in to a hotel...
and asked to rent a room. The clerk said, "Sorry, no vacancies." The man pointed at a couple who were checking out and asked, "What about their room?"
"Sorry," the clerk said, "this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."
The old man, looking to have a little fun, said "What makes you think I'm a Jew? I'm actually Catholic."
The clerk says, "Catholic, eh? Tell me then, did God have a son?"
"Sure," the old Jew says, "Name of Jesus."
"And where was He born?"
"In Bethlehem, in a manger."
"And why was He born in a manger?" pressed the clerk.
"Because a s**... like you wouldn't rent him a room!"
What's the difference between a Jew and Harry Potter
Warning: Offensive
Harry got out of the chamber.
A Jew is on his deathbed.
Summoning his last strength, he says: "Is my wife Sarah here with me?" And she says "Yes, I am here." He then says :"Are my children here with me?" And they reply "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he smiles and says:"Is my father and siblings here with me?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the Jew lays quietly for a while and replies "Then who is the light on for in the kitchen?"
A Jew gets robbed
The thief points a gun threateningly at the Jew, "Your money or your life!"
The Jew stops in his tracks and does nothing.
The thief waves the gun. "I said, your money or your life!!!!"
The Jew says, "I'm thinking, I'm thinking!"
How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!
Morning Jew
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"h**..., I want you to take the offices over in City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? The s**... had a paper round!"
God went to a Frenchman
He said 'I've got some commandments, do you want some?'
'What are they like?' The Frenchman replied
'Thou shall not commit adultery' Answered God
'I don't think so...' Slurred the Frenchman, so God went to a German and asked if he wanted any.
'What are they like?' The German questioned
'Thou shall not kill' God replied
'Hmmm, perhaps not' The German sighed, so God went to an Italian, offering him some commandments
'What are they like?' The Italian inquired
'Thou shall not steal' Answered God
'Perhaps not' The Italian replied. So God went to a Jew and offered him some commandments
'How much are they?' The Jew asked
'They're free' God answered
'I'll take ten' Said the Jew
A Catholic, a Jew, and a Buddhist are on a plane that is about to c**....
The Jew says a prayer and jumps off, survives the landing but dies in the hospital. The Catholic says a prayer, jumps off, and becomes paralyzed for the rest of his life, but survives the fall. The Buddhist says a prayer, jumps off, and is caught by a giant Buddha hand, and says,"Thank God." The hand then proceeds drops him.
Boyscouts vs. Jews
What is the difference between a boyscout and a jew?
...
Boyscouts come back from their camps.
A Jew, A Catholic, and a m**... are in a bar discussing their families...
...The Jew says "I have 8 kids, one more and I'll have enough for a baseball team!" The Catholic says "I have 10 kids, one more and I'll have enough for a football team!" The m**... says "That's nothing, I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have enough for a golf course!"
An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven....
He asks God,
"How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve."
God doesn't laugh.
The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".
A jew and a mexican are talking...
The jew says, "lemme ask you something, are theres jews in mexico?"
The mexican replies "oh yes my friend, plenty of jews...apple jews, orange jews, and tomato jews."
A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali are sitting under a tree.
A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali are sitting under a tree. A caterpillar gets on the Romanian's shoulder.
The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it.
Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up and asks the Somali: "Do you want to buy a caterpillar?"
Post your most offensive joke? Sure.
Whats the worst part about being a black jew? Having to sit in the back of the oven :D
Is there a difference between "Jew" and "Jewish"?
I don't think so. But then, I am anti-semantic.
How is being a Jew like eating a burrito?
It's really not a problem until they give you gas.
What do you call a Jew with a pH lower than 7?
....hasidic
I'll let myself out now. I know that was matzo good...
I f**... in front of my female friend..
She got mad and I said "what?! a little gas never hurt anyone"
Apparently you cant say that to a Jew...
How do you confuse a Jew?
Put the bacon on sale for half-off.
An American, a German, a Jew and a Chinese guy were walking through the woods...
A caterpillar falls on the American. The American throws it to the German, the German throws it to the Jew and the Jew throws it to the Chinese guy, who eats it. They walk a bit more and another caterpillar falls on the American. He throws to it the German, the German throws it to the Jew. The Jew turns the Chinese guy and tells him - "hey man, wanna buy a caterpillar?"
Why was h**... doomed to fail?
because jew wrongs don't make a riech
The Jew says...
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.
Catholic: I have a large fortune… I am going to buy Citibank!
Protestant: I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!
Muslim: I am a fabulously rich prince… I intend to purchase Microsoft!
They all wait for the Jew to speak…
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee,
looks at them and casually says: I'm not selling!!
What does a Jew with an e**... get when he walks into a wall?
A broken nose, i will sit in the corner now.
A black Jewish guy
A black Jew runs up to his father and asks his father if he is more Jewish or more black. The father asks his son why he just asked this odd question, the son says "there is a boy at school selling his old bike for $50 and I am wondering if I should haggle it down to $40 or just steal it."
itsnate joke tiktok
What's jewish favorite Pokemon character ?
Ash !
How does a jew get his beer?
He brews
What do you call a Jew with the pH level of 1?
Hacidic!
God gathered a Jew, a Christian and a Muslim...
... and told them:
-I am tired of mankind's sins! In two weeks I'll unleash a great flood that will kill all humanity!
The Christian said:
-We have only two weeks to appease Him!
The Muslim said:
-We have only two weeks to change our ways!
The Jew said:
-We have only two weeks to learn how to breathe underwater!
