You may know how your partner likes their pizza and their favorite sex position. But all the melted cheese and orgasms in the world can’t save a romance if you don’t know how to communicate. Thankfully, there are some relationship hacks to help you and your love interest(s) do just that. Understanding love languages and how to use them is an accessible and effective way to level up a new relationship into something with long-term potential, and to keep an LTR running smoothly.
People tend to build (and maintain) connections uniquely through different love languages, and if you're a sucker for sweet words and good morning texts, there’s a good chance your love language is words of affirmation.
"Words of affirmation is one of the love languages, a way in which individuals express and receive love and affection in their relationships," says psychologist and sexologist Denise Renye, PsyD, adding that the “words” in question can be both written and/or spoken. "The key to finding the right words is getting in touch with your feelings and inner experience of how you feel towards your partner."
In case you’re new to the concept of love languages, they originated in the 1992 book by Gary Chapman, PhD: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. And they're kinda major when forming lasting and healthy bonds.
Essentially, Chapman says most people “speak” one of five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, and giving/receiving gifts. Identifying these love languages—both in others as well as yourself—is a *chef’s kiss* way to understand the VIPs in your life better. Since most folks tend to give love the way they want to receive it, learning the love languages of your partner, parents, friends, etc., can help you show your people how much you care in ways they'll really understand and appreciate.
The first thing you have to do is figure out your love language, like with this (free!) love language test. Then send the test to everyone you care about so you can get a better idea of how they communicate affection. And if it turns out you or someone you love ranks high for words of affirmation, well, you’ve come to the right place. From what the words of affirmation love language really means to tips for showing it (plus some expert-recommended dating advice), read on for everything you need to know.
What Does It Mean If Your Love Language Is Words of Affirmation?
As you might have guessed, this love language is centered around words. “Words of affirmation can be spoken or written words that are supportive and empathic,” explains Jennie Marie Battistin, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist at Hope Therapy Center. “They often acknowledge, identify, and recognize a person’s behavior, contributions, successes, or challenges.”
We’ll get into more specific examples and ideas below, but in short, folks with this love language are big fans of heart-to-heart chats and compliments—both giving and receiving.
And before you think words of affirmation is a “bad” or “needy” love language, experts agree it’s usually the opposite. “People who speak in this love language are usually the ones who pay attention to and also care about the tiny details of other people’s lives,” says certified sex educator Dainis Graveris, relationship expert with MysteryVibe.
For those whose love language is words of affirmation, an astute compliment or “I love you” works like a love spell. WOA (words of affirmation) people also express love through language. They’re those darlings who reliably send good morning texts, bless lovers with love poems to wake up to, and always pair gifts with a hand-written card.
What Are Some Signs Your Love Language Is Words of Affirmation?
Words of affirmation is one of the easier love languages to pinpoint, says Battistin. Not only do you like to verbally hear “I love you,” but Graveris says you probably enjoy hearing why your partner loves you, and chances are, this exchange never gets old.
Some other signs might be that you appreciate when your partner notices you’ve changed up your look, you enjoy picking out the perfect birthday card for someone, and love songs hit super hard for you. Graveris says you also probably really like texting your partner and/or expressing your adoration via social media. You might also adore love letters and heartfelt speeches.
On the reverse, having an unfulfilling conversation, not being verbally congratulated, thanked, or validated, or being on the receiving end of unkind words is especially upsetting to someone with this love language.
How Can I Tell My Partner About My Words of Affirmation Love Language?
Even if you logically know that having words of affirmation as your love language is healthy, asserting your needs can be daunting. However, just like how sex educators suggest using masturbation to get to know your body before you relay your physical needs to a partner, the same self-awareness works emotionally. "The key to asking for what you want and need in a relationship is accepting (within yourself) what you want and need," Dr. Renye says. If you desire more words of affirmation, first try saying to yourself, 'I really want (my partner) to give me more words of affirmation.' You can also practice this by working with a therapist or even talking it out with friends and chosen family. When you feel more comfortable with what your needs and wants are, it's easier to express them.
Devyn Simone, Tinder’s resident relationship expert, suggests sharing your love language with your partner using what she calls the “nice sandwich” method. Start with acknowledging something your partner does well, then express the need you’d like to prioritize, then end with another positive thing about your partner. For example: “Thank you for leaving me that sweet text to wake up to. It makes me feel so appreciated, which in turn, helps me appreciate you. Can we make it a tradition? Words of affirmation are the way to my heart, and there’s no one I’d rather share my heart with than you.”
What Are Some Examples of Words of Affirmation?
When it comes to love languages, most people find words of affirmation to be relatively simple to master. “If you’re struggling to find the right words to express how you feel, it can be helpful to start with the attributes in your partner that you're most grateful for or the qualities they have that inspire you,” Simone suggests. Here are some things you can say and do for your partner whose love language is words of affirmation:
- Simply say, “I love you.”
- And then explain what you love about them.
- Express how you feel about them often.
- Tell them in detail how you’re proud of them for something specific, like navigating a difficult family holiday or a hard convo with their boss.
- Say: “I’m so blessed to be with you.”
- Congratulate them on big and little wins, from getting a promotion to parallel parking on the first try.
- Compliment their hair, their outfit, their perfume, their smile, their smarts—you get the picture.
- Thank them for doing something for you or your household.
- Become very familiar with handwritten cards, and make sure to give your partner a note for every birthday and holiday.
- Leave lil notes around the house saying everything you love about them.
- Tuck a note in their bag before work to encourage them on an important day.
- Send them “just because” love notes.
- Save the cards and notes they give you because, chances are, their words really come from the heart.
- Post a cute photo and special caption to social media on their birthday.
- Give them verbal validation and praise often, especially when they’re having hard days.
- Compliment them on their nails or outfit or how particularly blue their eyes look that day.
- Text them during the day to remind them you’re thinking of them.
- Tell them how and why they inspire you and what you admire about them.
- Acknowledge when they do something good or impressive and point out what they do well, especially as they’re doing it.
- Tell them when they make you feel good (both in and out of the bedroom), that you’re attracted to them, and that you appreciate them.
- Focus on positive words and communication, even during difficult times. Remember: Every word carries a lot of weight to them, so always think before you speak.
- Avoid criticizing, negative comments, and accusations, as insults can have a lasting impact on words people and aren’t easily forgotten.
- Notice when they step outside of their comfort zone and commend them on their bravery.
- Don’t sleep on holidays. You don’t have to spend a lot of money, but acknowledge Valentine’s Day with a heart-felt card.
- If they have a pet, make sure to let them know their cat is majestic and their dog is the best dog.
- Compliment their skills in bed—the more specific the better.
- Should anyone diss bae, stand up for them. It’s important to use words of affirmation to demonstrate loyalty.
- If they introduce you to a new band, song, or TV show that you love, express your appreciation for their exquisite taste.
- Never withhold expressing emotions because you’re worried about “giving them a big head.” This is always toxic, but can be especially harmful to WOA people.
- Make them a playlist. It’s okay to borrow words from musicians.
- Try your hand at a personalized love poem.
- Make sure you acknowledge how hard they work. Even if their boss fails to notice, make sure that you do.
- Don’t lie. Words of affirmation lose their power if they can’t trust you.
- Verbally acknowledge their trauma. Some WOA folks have been told to “toughen up” too many times.
- Remember that it costs zero dollars to say something sweet. If you find yourself hesitant to compliment your partner, that’s likely a sign that you have emotional walls preventing you from enjoying your best life.
- When in doubt, on a hard day, try to lighten their spirits with dad jokes.
- If your sex is especially mind-blowing, or you try something different in bed, make sure to let them know that you noticed.
- Don’t keep score. Just because they forgot to notice your last haircut doesn’t mean you should intentionally refrain from complimenting theirs.
- When they’re scared, whether it’s of abandonment or a thunderstorm, reassure them that you’ll stick with them through good times and bad.
- When having important conversations, such as becoming exclusive, moving in together, or getting engaged, make sure to elaborate on why you want to devote your time to them.
- If they have a hobby outside of work, such as music or cross-stitching, make sure to notice and vocalize their hard work and improvements.
It’s important to remember these ideas aren’t one-size-fits-all. Some people aren’t fans of social media PDA and others prefer short and sweet praise versus soliloquies. No person or couple can neatly divide themselves into one of the five love languages. In the name of communication, practice words of affirmation by first having a conversation—using our expert-approved advice, of course—about what that means for your unique relationship.
What Are Some Relationship Tips If You or Your Partner’s Love Language Is Words of Affirmation?
As with any relationship, no matter if you have the same or different love languages, communication is key. If you’re not able to express your feelings and emotions effectively, things can’t really move forward or thrive. That's why it's so important to identify you and your partner's primary love languages and constantly speak them, says Graveris. This not only helps you understand each other’s needs better, but using each other’s love languages can actually help foster growth since love languages “help us understand how to communicate love to our partner and how they communicate love,” Battistin explains.
If you and your partner have figured out your love languages, and one of you speaks “words of affirmation,” here’s what to keep in mind:
When Your Partner’s Love Language Is Words of Affirmation:
Very simply: They want you to give them reassurance, validation, and support with your words, and more importantly, they want you to mean what you say. “It can be very easy for partners with words of affirmation as their love language to spot fake compliments and remarks,” Graveris says. “My number one advice is to make sure if you say something to your partner, it comes from your heart. If you say random things or make stuff up, they’ll know you’re not authentic.”
Being empathetic to their feelings goes a long way, as do pep talks when they’re feeling down, and thanking or praising them as much as possible. Don’t just assume your partner knows you care—tell them, and tell them often.
If you’re having a hard time remembering to give positive, verbal affirmation, Battistin suggests putting a daily reminder in your phone to text them something nice or even send them a funny meme. “Pick up several ‘thinking about you’ cards and mail one a month to your partner or get some dry-erase pens and write, ‘I love you,’ on the bathroom mirror,” she suggests. Before you know it, you’ll be speaking their language.
When Words of Affirmation Is Your Love Language:
You need to use your words to let your partner know. Since couples often have different love languages, if your partner doesn’t know that verbal or written words make you feel loved, they might not think to utilize them. Plus, even if your partner does know your love language, Graveris says they might not be as well-versed at expressing their feelings or noticing the small stuff, so be patient and forgiving.
“Just like in any relationship, feeling appreciated and understood is very important,” Graveris explains. “It’s just that it means a whole lot more for people with words of affirmation as their love language.” Words probably hit harder for you, so if someone says something that hurts you, try to explain why without getting defensive. It’s likely they didn’t necessarily realize the weight of their words.
Finally, it’s important to note your love language can change from time to time, depending on the situation. After a bad day, you might want a hug instead of a pep talk, or you might like to simply spend quality time together instead of discussing your feelings. Graveris says it all comes down to communicating with your partner and both of you speaking up about what you need in the moment.
What If You Don't Have the Same Love Language As Your Partner?
The good news: Couples absolutely don‘t need to have the same primary love language for their relationship to work. It all simply boils down to learning how you each like to give and receive love. "If one person in a relationship (platonic, romantic, or otherwise) communicates love by words of affection/affirmation and the other by acts of service, you may both be showing each other love and not realizing it," Wright says—hence the importance of recognizing each other's primary love languages.
That said, anyone can learn to speak a new (or another) love language with a little time and effort. “Ask your partner what things you can do that meaningfully show them you love them,” Battistin suggests. Try not to get defensive as they explain, but pay attention and be curious to find out the answer.
Make it a mission to work as a couple to discover and explore each other’s love languages together. “By being committed to loving each other in ways that are meaningful to the other, you will soon find yourself in a happy and satisfying relationship,” Graveris says. And TBH, those are words we can all get behind.
Rachel Varina is a full-time freelance writer covering everything from the best vibrators (the Lelo Sona) to the best TV shows (The Vampire Diaries). She has over 10 years of editorial experience with bylines at Women's Health, Elite Daily, Betches, and more. She lives in Tampa, Florida, but did not feed her husband to tigers. When she's not testing out new sex toys (100+ and counting so far!), she's likely chilling with her dogs or eating buffalo chicken dip. Ideally at the same time. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
