Don't watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'

You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.

If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

It's a good thing that when God created the rainbow he didn't consult a decorator or he would still be picking colors.

Happiness is a by-product. You cannot pursue it by itself.

The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.

One of the virtues of being very young is that you don't let the facts get in the way of your imagination.

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

I'm going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!

Any beast can cry over the misfortunes of its own child. It takes a mensch to weep for others' children.

Any kid who has two parents who are interested in him and has a houseful of books isn't poor.

Just try to be happy. Unhappiness starts with wanting to be happier.

I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?

The difference between keeping things clean and keeping kids clean was that things just sat still and waited for the dirt to collect. We kids were carriers. We ran a pickup and delivery service.

Our parents set the moral tone of the family. They expected more of some of us and less of others, but never less than they thought we were capable of.

When I was a boy I used to do what my father wanted. Now I have to do what my boy wants. My problem is: When am I going to do what I want?

We should not permit prayer to be taken out of the schools; that's the only way most of us got through.