Warriors' Offer to Buy Red Panda a New Unicycle Misses the Point
Last week, someone took legendary halftime performer Red Panda's unicycle from baggage claim at San Francisco International Airport. This was really distressing news because Red Panda, an acrobat who is known for catching bowls on her head while riding a unicycle, had been using the same unicycle for 30 years.
It was her baby. Her secret weapon. And now it's gone.
She's been using a backup unicycle, but it's just not the same. Per her agent, she's been "doing horribly" with the replacement. She's dropping bowls, she's just generally not as good. It's a disaster.
Now the Warriors, who frequently have her perform during halftime, have offered to buy her a new custom unicycle. This is a nice gesture, I suppose, but it completely misses the point. Allow me to explain.
Red Panda obviously has another unicycle. She is probably the most famous unicyclist in the world, so any unicycle manufacturer would love to get their product to her. And she's been performing at NBA and college basketball halftimes for decades. She can afford a new unicycle!
The issue isn't that she doesn't have a unicycle, it's that she doesn't have her unicycle. The Warriors' offer is like trying to comfort the mother of a kidnapped child by telling her you'll buy her another child. It's just not how it works.
The Warriors should divert the funds they'd spend on a new unicycle to hiring a private investigator to find the original unicycle. Now that's a good use of funds.
