How To Get Laid On Plenty Of Fish – Return Of Kings

Plenty of Fish is the most popular dating site in the world. It is free, it is easy to use, and it is filled with girls who lack the funds, the seriousness, or the intelligence to realize that every other dating site this side of Adult Friend Finder offers them better prospects for a guy who wants a long-term relationship.

In other words, it’s perfect. The girls are pre-selected for some combination of stupidity, desperation and sluttiness. Not a great place to find a wife, but a prime hunting ground for the man looking to play some catch and release.

This guide will cover every step necessary to get you on a date with a girl. Once you’ve gotten a girl to meet you, run the Thumotic First Date Bang, or cook up the Thumotic Second Date Bang recipe. They work 100% of the time, most of the time.

But first you need to get those dates. Here are the five keys to succeeding at locking down girls on Plenty Of Fish:

1. Lie about your looks

75% of a man’s attractiveness is completely within his control. Lifting, dressing well, and taking care of yourself will make you appear to be more genetically ‘fit’ than you actually are. Do it.

Now get some proper photographs taken. You know your one friend with a thousand dollar camera and a Pinterest account? Take a break from calling him gay and get him to take some quality pictures that highlight your best features.

If you aren’t hideously deformed, you can throw up pictures that will be in the top 10% of the male population. Start your profile with a nice slideshow, and you’re playing the online dating game on easy mode.

2. Lie about your height

Lying in the course of a seduction is always a fun idea. You can lie about your profession, your relationship history, what you’re looking for. You can lie about where you’ve traveled. You can lie about whether or not you have AIDS. Get creative, readers!

The most important lie you can tell on Plenty Of Fish is your height, because it’s a sortable search category. Unless you are between 6’2 and 6’5, you must lie about your height. Here is my suggested concordance between actual height and POF stated height:

6’7 -> 6’4

6’3 -> 6’3

6’0 -> 6’3

5’9 -> 6’1

5’6 -> 5’10

5’3 -> 5’7

And feel free to go ahead and experiment with even more extreme lies and report back with your results. My buddy who is 5’8 lists himself as 5’11 and has not been called out once. This works because:

1) Girls can’t recognize height, especially short girls.

2) A woman forgives you all, in her loins’ tingly thrall.

3) The worst case scenario is that a girl walks out on you when she realizes you lied, in which case, you’re still not having any less sex with her than you would have otherwise.

If this sort of blatant deception makes you feel guilty, you’re reading the wrong blog. I refuse to be morally high-roaded about this in an online dating culture where women clearly believe that:

Thin = usually thin, sometimes respectably average.

Athletic = usually hot, but too often the ‘athlete’ in question would be better suited to a role as a pulling guard for the Broncos.

Average = Fat. Always, always, always fat.

A few extra pounds = Cannot get out of bed without a pulley. Cannot tie own shoes. Cannot wipe ass without a toilet brush.

Curvy = Gravitational singularity

Remember, men, there is no Geneva convention in online dating. This is war. There are no rules.

So lie about your height. And of course, list your body type as athletic. You should be athletic anyways, because you eat right and lift, but do it no matter what you look like. If the women of POF have taught us anything, it’s that the body type category is meant to be aspirational rather than descriptive.


3. Lie about your profession

This one is actually counter-intuitive. I have a fairly high-status job title and position, but my success increased significantly when I replaced it with a simple It’s complicated. Friends of mine with various other solid professions have reported the same experience.

The ideal POF profession is to throw out some vague, ambiguous, undefined, semi-playful bullshit, but combine it with other obvious markers of status. So, describe your job like you don’t have one, but list your education as PhD/professional designation and look wealthy and well-traveled in your photos.

An acquaintance I know spent a month failing brutally at online dating. He’s an engineer, and foolish blue pill chump that he is, thinks that women would rather fuck a guy who designs supersonic aircraft than a welfare bum or a serial killer. I suggested he change his title to “it’s complicated” and his response rate tripled.

Friends, very few men have gone home alone to jerk off because they underestimated the character of the modern western woman.

There are certainly some professions that might be a net positive, i.e. doctor or lawyer. Well-defined is key here, though. Chicks see ‘finance’ and think bank teller. Tell them you work in IT and they’ll picture you doing tech support at a nursing home.

So remember: vague bullshit, coupled with the unspoken suggestion that you are a man of means. The persona you are shooting for is highly-educated drug dealer and professional blogger with friends in high places.

4. Lie about travel

Have you traveled a lot? According to your dating profile, you better be motherfucking Magellan. Post a few solid travel photos. If you don’t have them, bust out your Photoshop skills. How many 22-year-old girls on Plenty of Fish do you think can recognize a misplaced shadow?

You think I’m joking. I’m dead serious. As it happens, I’ve been to a few places. But in my younger, less well-traveled days, I often found myself losing attraction with a certain type of girl, once I revealed that I’d never been outside North America. My solution was  to “borrow” the travel anecdotes and experiences my good friends had told me about. I suggest you do the same.

5. Lie about literally everything

Purge yourself of all virtue. Embrace the darkness. Spice up your life story. Drop details that imply your parents are rich. Hint at having published multiple books. Hint at owning lucrative businesses. Be reticent and embarrassed when she presses for details, and turn the conversation to more playful topics. This is an art.

6. Be the hooker with a heart of gold

Every man has his angle that he plays. This is mine. I am the man every girl is looking for: I am the Dashing Alpha Playboy finally on the verge of settling down. I don’t wear this on my sleeve—it’s very, very subtle. It’s an imperceptible boredom with the dating scene. A tiny hint of cynicism creeping into my heart. The faintest, most remote whispering of a hope that maybe, maybe, maybe, this girl sitting across from me is the one who will inspire me to give up the game.

This is such a common female fantasy, its a trope of romantic comedies. Hint at a sordid past and a dutiful future, even if neither is the case.

7. Invest nothing

Here is your opening email:

Hey, you seem interesting. [Bullshit question about something in her profile]

[Your Name]

If nothing comes to mind, send the above excerpt verbatim, [ ] and all.

If she responds with reasonable enthusiasm, give her a friendly response with some light qualification. If she responds positively to that, give her your number and meet up.

Do not stress over any one girl. Do not even bother to collect numbers. Let her make the effort, and cut her off if she’s lazy. There are literally infinite girls on POF in any major city and new ones join every day. Pursue girls who dig your vibe, and do not waste time on girls who are on the fence.

8. Play the numbers game

The more lines you cast…

In the modern dating world, it is ridiculous to get attached to a girl until you’ve banged her at least ten times. Until then, you are a cold and mechanical hunter. Spam many messages, go on many dates, and you will be a man with a variety of options of gradually increasing quality.

Read Next: The Pill That Cures Approach Anxiety