Neither will this one. The majesty felt when putting this Shirt on for the first time cannot be represented by words, thought, or even magic. When I got the text notifying me the package was on my porch, I left school to go and retrieve this piece of literal sex. I took it, ran upstairs, and began the ritual. I stripped down to my bare ass and grabbed new socks, underwear, and pants. I put these items on and lathered myself up with deodorant. I then took the Shirt and allowed it to slowly unfold before my eyes like the mass of a great ship. It was breathtaking. I believe I may have died for a second or two, but the shirt kept me from losing my grip on life. Taking the shirt under my arm, I walked to a mirror, where I stood and examined the face looking back at me. The face of a man who was about to change forever. Taking a deep breath, I slowly pulled the Shirt over my head. As the collar moved past my eyes and allowed me a peek at the mirror, I saw the face of a man I had never seen before. I screamed in horror, thinking I was about to get robbed. But then I realized that the man I saw looking at me was myself. I could just barely make out my old features. The Shirt had not even messed up my hair when it was pulled over my head. I felt stronger, smarter, and, perhaps most importantly, more alive than I had ever felt before. Leaving the house a better man, I made my way back to school where I stopped by my homeroom to sign in. The moment I walked through the door, my eardrums were shattered by the roaring cheers of my classmates. I was instantly swarmed by ladies, not just from that room, but from all over campus who had caught the scent of three wolves and a moon. Terry Crews himself would have been overwhelmed. Feeling a new breath of life and an urge for adventure, I ventured out into the woods with some friends of mine. I found myself more energetic and lively than ever before. I kicked down a tree. I sunk waist-deep in mud but stopped before the mud could reach the Shirt. I found that no matter how hard I tried, there was no way to make mud touch the Shirt. One of my friends didn't have the faith to believe me, so he made his way over to me. He was not wearing a Three Wolf Moon shirt, so he sunk completely and died. At the disbelief of my friends, I laughed. However, I knew something they did not. Summoning the spirits of the Shirt, I called forth my friends body from the murky depths of the swamp. Commanding them to lay him gently on a patch of grass, I slowly walked over to him. I dropped to one knee and grabbed his hand, which I brushed gently across the hem of my shirt. He was instantly awakened. We went about our adventure until a storm began to brew. Lightning was flashing from all directions and no sooner had I spoken of the danger we all faced than I had been struck by lightning, though I did not realize it. It was only by the accounts of my friends that I know of this. The Shirt not only kept me alive; it kept me from feeling pain.
I am never taking this shirt off my body.
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