Dennis the Menace (1993)
Mason Gamble: Dennis Mitchell
Switchblade Sam : Put a cork in it, you're giving me a headache.
Dennis : I don't have a cork.
Switchblade Sam : Shut your mouth.
Dennis : I can't because my nose is stuffy, because of my allergies. If I shut my mouth, I can't breathe good.
Switchblade Sam : Then keep your mouth open, but don't talk.
Dennis : Where do you put the cork when you put a cork in it?
Switchblade Sam : [Pants irritably a couple times] Didn't I ask you to shut your yap?
Dennis : What's a yap?
Switchblade Sam : It's your mouth!
Dennis : I can't shut my mouth because my nose is stuffy -...
Switchblade Sam : SHUT UP!
Dennis : How old is this bed?
Mrs. Martha Wilson : It belonged to my mother.
Dennis : Where's she sleeping now?
Mrs. Martha Wilson : She's been gone many years, Dennis.
Dennis : On business?
Mrs. Martha Wilson : No, she's in Heaven.
Dennis : Oh, there's an awful lot of people in Heaven, especially old people.
George Wilson : You're a pest. A menace. A selfish, spoiled little boy and I've no use for you. You took something from me that I can never get back, something that means more to me than you ever will. You understand? I don't want to see you, I don't want to know you. Get out of my way.
[George walks away]
Dennis : [in tears] I'm sorry, Mr. Wilson.
Andrea : [sees Dennis in the printing room] Aren't you supposed to be in the daycare area with the other... children?
Dennis : That's where I was, but I had to leave, because the lady that watches all the kids said if she had to look at me for five more seconds...
[Dennis's mother looks in and smiles knowing Andrea will get what she deserves]
Dennis : ...she'd jump out the window.
Andrea : [chuckles] Humph.
Dennis : She's a pretty nice lady, so I wouldn't want her to do that.
Dennis : [upon discovering that Switchblade Sam had stolen Mr. Wilson's gold] This is Mr. Wilson's gold. How come you got it?
Switchblade Sam : I stole it.
Dennis : You're a robber?
Switchblade Sam : I'm a thief.
Dennis : Uh-oh.
Switchblade Sam : Say your prayers, little rat!
Dennis : I can't, I didn't take my bath yet.
Switchblade Sam : Have it your own way!
[as Sam readies his knife on Dennis, the train arrives and the rope tied on him sticks him to the ceiling, he then lands back into the water and is stabbed in the butt by his own blade]
Dennis : Hi, Mrs. Wilson. Is Mr. Wilson up yet?
Mrs. Martha Wilson : Not yet, dear.
Dennis : How long do you think he's gonna sleep for?
Mrs. Martha Wilson : Not too much longer. He's having his picture taken this morning.
Dennis : For what?
Mrs. Martha Wilson : He's being honored for his garden.
Dennis : [pauses and looks back at the yard, then looks at Mrs. Wilson again] Do you think he'll get mad if I went up the stairs.
Mrs. Martha Wilson : What do you want to go upstairs for?
Dennis : I made him a "I'm Sorry, I Shot Paint On Your Chicken" card!
Mrs. Martha Wilson : Well, that's very nice, Dennis.
Margaret : You know why men are so lousey when it comes to taking care of babies?
Dennis : They have better things to do.
Margaret : Like what? Play golf and drink beer?
Dennis : No, like hunting, having wars, driving cars, shaving, cleaning fish. Do you know how to do that?
Joey : Me?
Dennis : Margaret.
Joey : Oh, okay.
Margaret : If you didn't have women, you wouldn't have babies, which means you wouldn't have people.
Joey : And if you didn't have men, who'd drive the ladies to the hospital?
Margaret : This things been here our whole life and we never knew it.
Joey : Do you think anybody lived in it?
Dennis : Just squirrels and birds.
Joey : It looks kind of junky.
Dennis : We'll fix it up.
Margaret : Oh, good, I'll be the decorator. We'll put on a special room for the babies and a powder room for when we have company.
Dennis : Forts don't have powder rooms.
Margaret : Oh, really? Where do the soldiers' wives go to freshen up?
Joey : Soldiers don't have wives, stupid.
Margaret : Don't call me stupid, baby rump kisser!
Henry Mitchell : You go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.
Dennis : For how long?
Henry Mitchell : Until you're sorry.
Dennis : Oh good, I'm sorry now.
Mrs. Alice Mitchell : He can't sit in the corner, I have to take him to Margaret Wade's house.
Dennis : [screams in horror scaring his parents] Margaret's house? I didn't do anything bad enough to deserve to go to her house. She's a lunatic, I'll go crazy, she tortures me, she's mean, she's ugly, she doesn't share!
Mrs. Alice Mitchell : Honey, I made arrangements with Mrs. Wade for you to go to their house while I work.
Dennis : Are you serious?
Mrs. Alice Mitchell : Well, you can't spend the summer unsupervised. You're out of school.
Dennis : [loses it] *I'll go back*!
Henry Mitchell : You're mother made arrangements. That's it! I don't want any arguments!
Dennis : [lightly bows his head on the table] My life is falling apart.
Dennis : [innocently] Hi.
Mrs. Alice Mitchell : Did you shoot an aspirin into Mr.Wilson's mouth?
Henry Mitchell : Oh god!
Dennis : I didn't want him to bite off my fingers with his big, fake teeth. Those things are sharp!
Mrs. Alice Mitchell : [to Henry] George said Dennis shot an aspirin into his mouth with a slingshot.
Henry Mitchell : What slingshot?
Mrs. Alice Mitchell : Do you have a slingshot?
Dennis : I'm not sure.
Henry Mitchell : Give it to me.
[Dennis sighs and hands over the slingshot]
Dennis : [in an attempt to give Mr. Wilson his 'I'm Sorry' card] I'm kind of busy today, so I won't have a chance to give it to him. I have to go to Margaret's house, because we're getting poor and my mom's got a job now. So could I just leave it up by his whisker-cutter? That's where I leave all my dad's 'Sorry' cards, and it's a good time to say you're sorry. 'Cause grownup guys are happy in the morning when they wake up. My dad's so happy, he whistles when he goes to the bathroom. The only time he isn't happy is on Sunday morning when he and my mom wrestle. They kind of like to be alone when they do that. I think it's 'cause they take off their shirts and then they start to make funny noises.
Mrs. Martha Wilson : [uncomfortable about what Dennis is saying] Uh, you can go up, as long as you promise not to disturb Mr. Wilson.
Dennis : I promise.
Dennis : Hey, Mr. Wilson!
Dennis : I'm sorry I'm not having a very fun camping trip.
Switchblade Sam : Nobody shoots a marble at my head and sets my pants on fire!
Dennis : That was an accident.
Switchblade Sam : [picks him up and stands him up] There ain't gonna be no more accidents! Turn around!
[Dennis shrugs and does so, Sam ties up Dennis's legs with rope]
Dennis : You're doing it wrong.
Switchblade Sam : Get lost. I tied up lots of guys in my life.
Dennis : Okay, but I bet you never tied up a five-year-old. I'll just get out.
Switchblade Sam : I'll make this rope so tight, you won't be able to move.
Dennis : The rope's too big and my legs are too small to make it tight enough. There's only one way to do it, and I know because lots of people have tried to tie me up, but it doesn't work. But you try it your way. I'll just get out and you'll just have to keep doing it.
Dennis : The most important thing is they marry the women, then the women can go down and get the baby.
Margaret : The baby is in her stomach.
Dennis : She has to get it installed. Her stomach isn't just filled up with babies.
Margaret : Who installed some?
Dennis : A minister and a doctor.
Margaret : How?
Dennis : 'How'?
Joey : [laughs] She wants to know how?
[Joey continues laughing but stops as Margaret furiosuly glares at him]
Margaret : Tell me, Dennis. How?
Dennis : The bellybutton-it opens up.
Margaret : How come men have them?
Dennis : So they don't look weird in bathing suits.
[Margaret goes disapproved]
Mickey : [reading Dennis a story] How can a train grow?
Dennis : He eats all his coal and gets plenty of sleep.
Mickey : No, like, what's the point of reading lies?
Dennis : It teaches kids to eat all their food, and go to bed when they're supposed to, and not cry when mean cabooses and box cars make fun of him.
Dennis : [looking at Mr. Wilson's gold] Is that Pirate's Gold?
George Wilson : No.
Dennis : Is it real valuable?
George Wilson : Yes.
Dennis : Is that why you keep it in your safe?
George Wilson : Uh-huh.
Dennis : [looks at Mr. Wilson's safe with a door of fake books] How come that safe looks like books?
George Wilson : How come you ask so many questions?
Dennis : I've only been around for 5 years. There's a lot of stuff I don't know.
Dennis : I have one more question.
Switchblade Sam : What?
Dennis : What does a hostage have to do?
Switchblade Sam : Nothing.
Dennis : Then how come you need one?
Switchblade Sam : In case the cops show up!
Dennis : Do I get to use a gun?
Switchblade Sam : No, you get to stand in front of me in case the cops use a gun.
George Wilson : [smiles at party] Well, Dennis, you're mother did not arrive.
Dennis : Nope.
George Wilson : This is an important event for me, Dennis.
Dennis : I know.
George Wilson : I, uh, don't want any nonsense. You mind whatever manners you have and don't make a pest of yourself.
Dennis : Okay.
George Wilson : [ruffles his hair real hard and leaves] Don't embarrass me.
Dennis : Okay.
[Dennis hears and sees elderly ladies near him]
Dennis : [under his breath] Cheek pinchers!
Dennis : [singing and splashing around in bathtub] She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes! She'll be coming -
[soapy water splashes onto floor]