It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

Buy land, they're not making it anymore.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.

There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.

Don't let schooling interfere with your education.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.

There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.

Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

We have the best government that money can buy.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.