In news that could even make a Gruber brother smile, Bruce Willis is expected to return for a sixth Die Hard movie. To be titled Die Hard: Year One, the film will apparently have a dual timeline between a present-day John McClane and his old 1979 NYPD officer self, who we imagine as a chain-smoking, wise-cracking, rogue who will have at least two scenes in his captain’s office in which he’s called dangerous.
The Die Hard series is nearly 30 years old and its last outing shouldn’t give much hope for Year One (which is already behind the eight ball thanks to its title; what is this, Muppet Babies?) But nobody expected Jurassic World to be able to restart that franchise, especially not with two wooden sticks as its leads, but it turned into the biggest film of the summer.
Plus, Twentieth Century Fox is in negotiations with the guy who made the severely underrated Die Hard 4 as well as the similarly underrated Looper. There’s reason to be excited.
But now that 6 is on the table, let’s go back and rank the first five. It’s not as clear-cut as you’d think. Yippee ki-yay, Mr. Falcon.
5. A Good Day to Die Hard
This is perhaps the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I literally remember nothing that happened, other than McClane getting stuck in a Moscow traffic jam. Even going in with zero expectations thanks to Rotten Tomatoes not having any reviews until about 24 hours before release, a writer who also penned Hitman and The A Team and a director best known for the video-game adaptation Max Payne. It all stunk from the beginning. Then you went to see it and the movie was very dark (not like brooding, just shot in the dark), Bruce Willis looked so bored you wondered if he’d even have the energy to cash his checks (all of his scenes looked like they were shot immediately after someone rustled him out of bed) and if there were any one-liners, I don’t remember them. Also, his son in the film, Jai Courtney, was so wooden he should audition for the next Jurassic movie.
My college roommate and I, who would always watch the first three movies after returning from nights out, made a blood oath that if a new Die Hard ever came out, no matter what we were doing, we would meet up and see it opening weekend. (And this was back in 2002, when there was zero discussion about any new Die Hard movies. And there wasn’t actually blood. That was more metaphorical.) We did it with Live Free or Die Hard (No. 4) meeting halfway in Philly, seeing a midnight showing and leaving thrilled at how good the movie was, then both getting back work the next morning.
Anyway, for A Good Day To Die Hard, my wife and I went up to New York, where he lives, early on a Saturday morning, we had some brunch with the proper libations to get us ready for the excitement involved and, though worried, that was all forgotten as we gave each other the knowing nod when the title card came up. Then, two hours of silence. When it was all over, we went up the escalator at the movie theater in Murray Hill, walked to the bar across the street and never spoke of the film again. My wife and I then canceled our hotel reservation and left Manhattan that night. Upon our return, the heater in our house had broken. It was the middle of February and approximately 25 degrees when we returned to DC. And the heater breaking was the second worst thing that happened that day.
4. Live Free or Die Hard
When we heard the Mac kid would be McClane’s sidekick, alarm bells went off. When we heard Kevin Smith had a role, those alarm bells turned into one of those annoying car alarms. But Len Wiseman (the guy up for the directing role for Year One) made a surprisingly nimble movie, with Timothy Olyphant proving to be a great villain and Justin Long (the Mac kid) being perfectly acceptable in his role. The beauty of Live Free or Die Hard was that it came out in 2007, back when every movie was trying to wow you with with special effects. This one went old school and it was appreciated. It’s completely rewatchable now that its on cable all the time.
3. Die Hard With a Vengeance
The movie’s first 90 minutes are its highlight and it fades near the end, unlike the perfect buildups of the first two. But it’s all golden anyway, from the opening strands of the Loovin’ Spoonful’s Summer in the City to the song jarringly ending with the explosion of Bonwit Teller’s. The chemistry between Bruce Williams and Samuel L. Jackson was some of the best Jackson had in the 750 movies he starred in around that time and filming on location in New York, with the director of the original, John McTiernan, at the helm, only helped. This was perhaps the most fun of the Die Hard movies and the summer vibe was a nice change. And any time you can show a flashback to Hans Gruber, it’s all good. Some of the ideas and plot points are a little unsettling in a post-9/11 world, but as a product of its time (1995) it’s excellent. Also, Jeremy’s Iron!
2. Die Hard
It is, quite simply, the greatest action movie ever made. Alan Rickman is such a good villain that when I first read the Harry Potter book, I pictured him to be Snape, a role he’d actually play years later. The claustrophobic feel is captured brilliantly by McTiernan. There are so many classic scenes it’s hard to count. You have Ho-ho-ho, now I have a machine gun. Bill Clay. Carl from Family Matters buying Twinkees for his “pregnant wife.” Johnson and Johnson, not related. The guy stealing a candy bar. Conrad from Matlock uttering one film’s great quotes: “And the quarterback is toast.” Ellis. The Alexander the Great line. “Shoot the glass.” Hans Gruber talking suits with Takagi. The clearly-for-the-trailer “come out to the coast, we’ll have a few laughs” scene where McClane’s in the air duct. You could pick any of 30 moments from the movie and call if your favorite, which I do, much to my wife’s consternation. And if you haven’t balled up your toes on the carpet after a long traveling day, then you aren’t a Die Hard fan. (It works!) I don’t love Karl’s reincarnation at the end, but it dovetails nicely with Sgt. Powell’s backstory.
1. Die Hard 2: Die Harder
Okay, so if Die Hard is the best action movie ever made, why is Die Hard 2 No. 1? Because this is my list, guy. Almost everyone would have Die Hard at the top and I wouldn’t argue. But I have a deeper connection to Die Hard 2, watching it on days at my Yia Yia’s house because my uncle, who was much younger than my dad, still lived there and had it on VHS. I probably watched it 75 times, or just a few times less than I watched another movie in his library, Back to the Future. I love the Christmas feel (which is more pronounced than in the original) — watching it every December is one of my holiday traditions. I love Dennis Franz’s character. I love Fred Thompson being a boss. I love how terrible an actor the guy who plays Leslie Barnes is. I love when McClane gets a fax and the attendant asks him out and he does that thing with his wedding ring. I love the scene in the annex skywalk. I love Holly’s landing light. I love William Sadler as a villain and the unfortunate souls on Windsor 114 as his victims. I love the Redskins pennant hanging in the airport police headquarters. I love it all. But the main reason this tops the list is that I saw Die Hard 2 before I saw Die Hard. You know what they say about first loves.