Published in the February 2013 issue
There's this actor, Marty, in his 50s living in L. A. who's never had his big break. One day, his agent calls him. "Marty, you're not gonna believe it. I got you a part. It's on Broadway. It's just one line, but it's a huge play. And you're on tomorrow night."
Marty says, "This is great. What's the line?"
The agent says, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar."
Marty agrees to the part, and he's thrilled. He gets to the airport and starts running the line out loud over and over again all the way to New York. "Hark! I hear the cannons roar. Hark! I hear the cannons roar." All the way to the theater he runs the line. He gets to the theater, goes backstage, waits for his cue. He runs onstage and hears the cannon. Bang! And he screams, "What the fk was that?"
About the jokester:
Turns out Lauren Cohan is as ambivalent about the zombie carnage on The Walking Dead as we are. "The first time I saw our show, I was on a plane right before lunch came around, and I completely lost my appetite. Just turned the tray table up." A New Jersey girl who spent her teenage years in England, making for an indescribable accent, she plays the steely Maggie Greene on AMC's zombie drama, back in February to wrap up its third season. Despite her revulsion, the 30-year-old has always had a predilection for the macabre. "I used to go as Uncle Fester from The Addams Family for Halloween. I had the bald cap, black eye makeup, and my dad's overcoat. There are photos." Thankfully, there are more recent photos, including these. —Matt Goulet
*Esquire cannot guarantee that this joke will be funny to everyone.
