FASHION DILEMMA
What's going on with Kate Moss's wedding dress?
Never having fantasised about wedding dresses, FS generally fails to get interested in all things meringuey. However, the whole Kate Moss/Jamie Hince wedding thing has got us excited. First you need to be fully up to date on the dress saga …
In the beginning … From the lips of the fashion gods themselves (well, Vivienne Westwood), we heard that Kate was designing her own dress: "I think she's designing it herself. She has done her own fashion range and she knows about clothes. She knows what she is doing, she doesn't need my help." We weren't sure about this - designing for Toppers is one thing, designing your own wedding dress is a whole different ball game.
On the second day … While taking bread at a Topshop dinner in February, Miss Moss said her longtime friend John Galliano would design it. Which turned out to be an EPIC bit of foot-in-mouthery as …
On the third day … Dear John allegedly decided had a drunken antisemitic rant, and thus invoked the wrath of the entire fashion world (except, perhaps, for model Jessica Stam). Despite this, people were still speculating that Galliano would design the dress.
On the fourth day … The Daily Mail saw a fashion shoot in Harpers and remembered that Alexander McQueen had been a great friend of Kate's. OBVIOUSLY then, the dress was to be designed by Sarah Burton, the label's newish head of design.
On the fifth day … Various publications cast around randomly for names connected with Ms Moss and magicked up Kate Halfpenny, the celebrity stylist slash designer who created the 70s dress Kate wore to her own 35th birthday party.
On the sixth day … Kate's fiance, Jamie Hince, spoke on the matter and cleared up the Galliano thing, saying the rumours were "unfounded entirely". (He also shared his thoughts on the whole event, which is worth a look on Vogue.co.uk).
And lo! Upon the seventh day, every other publication was bored with talking about it, leaving us free to fantasise about who we'd choose. Here are our top three:
1. Maison Martin Margiela
Before anyone had ever heard of Lady Gaga, there was Maison Martin Margiela. This avant garde fashion label would create a dress to defy all traditions. We imagine a long, sheer gown, perhaps decorated with a fringe of deconstructed wig running across the chest and under the armpits. Visible beneath the gown, Kate would wear a leather studded chastity belt that could be ceremoniously and theatrically removed during the ceremony. The shoulders would extend three feet out on either side, resulting in American football-style jostling down the aisle, and instead of a veil, Kate would wear a flesh-coloured stocking over her face - much like the models in Margiela's S/S 09 collection. Amazeballs!
2. Manish Arora
Indian-born Manish has a penchant for all things circus. His dress could come in the form of a giant land-crab, a golden car or an entire fairground carousel. Eschewing the traditional white or ivory colourway, we could expect to see acid yellow, hot pink or gold sequins. Finally, if we're REALLY lucky, there might even be half a Kate and a magician.
3. Giles Deacon
Last but not least, we'd opt for Giles Deacon. Partly because he's British and every now and then we like to do a little flag-waving, but mostly because he's a bit wacky, which is our favourite thing about fashion. His dress would be more traditional (think chiffon and layers) but adorned with tarantulas. The train drag would be whipped up into a fancy headpiece, thus avoiding the problem of getting it dirty - but would she be able to hear the "I do" prompt? The veil would be a more like a shroud, tied into her hair, or perhaps a shiny, metallic Pac-Man head. Who needs to see them kiss anyway? And the bridesmaids would have to settle for catching a soft-toy dinosaur rather than a bouquet.
BANG ON TREND
Pleats
So often associated with school skirts that would get hastily hitched up the second mum was out of sight, this season's pleats are, thankfully, a far cry from maths homework. Instead, they're all about summery floatiness inspired by the floor-sweeping skirts at Chloe. Ethereal pleats, if you will.
NB. FS must point out that there are many types of pleat. The pleats du jour are knife pleats (what most normal folk would just call "pleats") and sunray pleats (where the pleat is smaller at the top and fans out, like a ray of sunshine).
For beginners, Zara's floaty blue dress (£49.99) does the sunray pleat nicely, complete with a tan cinch belt to break up those straight lines. Or we'd team New Look's pleated tunic blouse (£19.99) with skinny jeans and sandals for a perfect April sunny-but-not-that-sunny look.
If you want to double up pleats with this season's 70s trend, unleash your inner Stevie Nicks with Asos's pleated maxi skirt (£45). Wallis does a slightly less see-through version at £40. Long blonde perm and tambourine optional.
Topshop seems to have gone compleatly crazy (sorry). One of the many folded numbers is this daisy print playsuit, £52, while die-hard fashionistas can sleep easy in a cream pleated slip (£46), shorts (£25) and cape (£65).
And finally, if you've just won the lottery, or are a banker, Chloe's coral silk-crepe dress (£1,410) will look lovely and babydoll-like on its own, or with a nude belt and heels for some daytime glam.
FASHIONISTA OF THE WEEK
Emily Browning
You might remember Emily Browning as Violet Baudelaire in the film adaptation of Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. Seven years later, having escaped from the evil clutches of Count Olaf, she's back on the red carpet in this drool-inducing lace Erdem number. FS gives vintage bonus points for the Victoriana-meets-60s-babydoll collar and slicked 20s hair, while the Prada platforms and lick of plum lipstick give added sassiness.
FASHION GRAVEYARD
Quiana Grant
If lilac mesh existed in 1831, Victor Hugo would surely have had Esmerelda dancing around in something similar to this in The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Topping all the stakes in the very worst excesses of "peasant fashion", swimwear model Quiana Grant's half-dress, half-jumble sale is trumped only by the addition of an organza bolero. But then, who needs clothes when your day job is rolling bikini-clad around the world's most idyllic beaches?
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
I saw my first show, which was the third show for Martin Margiela ... It was a show where half the audience cried, including myself ... Only at that point did I understand what fashion could be or what it could mean to people. It was the "white" show, where all the models wore dresses in white and transparent plastic. Margiela had no money at the time, so the Maison ended up going to a black neighborhood in Paris and asking if they could use a children's playground for the show. The parents said, "Yes, you can have the playground, but we want our children to be able to see it." So little black children were standing with the audience in the front row. The children started to run over to the models, and they picked them up and held them around their necks.
Thank you to reader Sofie Birkin, who spotted this gem by Raf Simons in Interview Magazine and asked: "Is this what is referred to as a 'fashion moment'? Or is it just a hilarious lack of self awareness?"
SHOPPING NEWS
Do you have a shopping addiction? If so, you'll be pleased to hear that New Look has just launched its very own mobile site, suitable for use on all smartphones. So, next time you're sitting on the bus feeling murderous as another teenager plays terrible music loudly on their mobile, distract yourself by visiting newlook.com.
Charlotte Ronson is one of nine designers to team up with Uniqlo this season. Her seaside-themed six-piece capsule collection will hit the shops on 5 May. Pieces include a lace-up Breton stripe tank dress and a boat-print halterneck top. Other designers for the project include Costello Tagliapietra and Vena Cava.
Lots of celebs have joined Selma Blair and the Scissor Sisters' Ana Matronic in supporting H&M's fourth Fashion Against Aids collection, in shops from 26 April. The unisex range offers printed T-shirts, pastel chinos, silky trench coats and jumpsuits. A quarter of sales will be donated to promote safe sex and HIV and AIDS prevention to young people around the world.
OUT AND ABOUT
Residents of Brentwood should beware of stampeding west Londoners this weekend as the Notting Hill home and furniture mecca, Graham and Green, opens its warehouse doors, offering up to 70% off sample and ex-display stock. Prices start from £10, which is rather bargainous by anyone's standards.
Birmingham's Custard Factory will be host to tea sets, cake stands and furniture galore at this weekend's vintage home fair. Vinyl DJs will be spinning a soundtrack for shoppers and there'll be homemade cakes and a vintage hair and make-up salon too.
The Do-Lectures - where you can go to meet and be inspired by celebs and hard-working types who are making a difference to our world - is launching a new website. The new fancy-pants design means it loads more quickly and they can jam in more interesting stuff from all their speakers. Check it out at dolectures.com.
OFFCUTS
What you shouldn't wear this spring - and what you really should.
Seventies fashion is back, but it doesn't mean we can tolerate bad G-string etiquette, says Hadley Freeman.
Fancy a career in fashion and want some top tips? The Guardian careers blog has them.
For all the latest fashion news, visit guardian.co.uk/fashion
News to tell us? Email kate.carter@guardian.co.uk