How to Recognize and Respond to Gaslighting

Gaslighting is manipulative emotional and psychological abuse that causes a person to question their reality, memories, instincts, and, ultimately, their sanity. A person gaslights to obtain power and control, which are classic elements of abuse. Gaslighting often occurs in an intimate partner relationship.

Read on to learn types of gaslighting, how to recognize gaslighting, ways to respond, and how to get help if you're experiencing gaslighting.

Signs of Gaslighting

People who gaslight seek power and control. They may have witnessed and learned gaslighting growing up, or they may have a personality disorder.

Gaslighting occurs very gradually over time, so the manipulative behavior's effects are not usually immediate. Some common signs include:

• Significant self-doubt and frequently second-guessing yourself
• Being made to feel crazy, sensitive, or wrong
• Trusting others' decisions more than yours
  
• Feeling confused, isolated, and depressed
• Apologizing or making excuses for a partner's behavior
• Feeling deep down that something isn't right

Gaslighting can also manifest as a kind of cognitive dissonance, or holding two beliefs at the same time that don't fit. This creates strong feelings of confusion, anxiety, discomfort, or powerlessness.

Examples of Gaslighting

Gaslighting is subtle, subversive abusive behavior that may go on for years in long-term relationships. One way to detect it is to observe patterns of behavior over time. The following are a few examples.

Lying

People lie to conceal the truth, but with gaslighting, the behavior also manipulates another's reality and throws them off balance.

Examples include:

• "I didn't do that."
• "I would never say that."
• "You never saw those texts on my phone."

Discrediting

People who gaslight discredit others by making up false stories of things that were or were not said. Or, they convince others their partner is crazy, which discredits the partner if they speak out about the abuse.

Examples include:

• "You're crazy."
• "No one will ever believe you."
• "They said they don't like you."

Trivializing

People who gaslight will trivialize or minimize a person's feelings to gain power.

Examples include:

• "Calm down."
• "Quit overreacting."
• "You're being dramatic."

Withholding

People who gaslight may withhold in the relationship. This may involve a cycle of giving then withholding affection, sex, compliments, money, or even celebrating special occasions.

This cycle introduces confusion and cognitive dissonance and may intermittently activate the reward system in the brain of the partner who is being gaslit. The pattern of intermittent reinforcement is part of trauma bonding.

Diverting

The person who gaslights will change the subject to divert attention from their behavior. They may pretend not to understand, interrupt, or shut down the conversation.

Examples include:

• "That's enough! Just stop talking."
• "That's not true."
• "Where did you get a crazy idea like that?"
  

Stereotyping

People who gaslight exploit stereotypes and vulnerabilities, especially related to imbalances of power with regard to race, religion, age, sex, gender, and nationality.

One study indicated that women, minorities, immigrants, and marginalized groups are particularly vulnerable to stereotyping by authorities who may set them up to look unstable.

Shifting Blame

A person who gaslights will shift blame to others in order to avoid responsibility.

Examples include:

• "It's all your fault!"
• "I wouldn't have messed up if you hadn't upset me."
• "Look what you made me do!”
  

Types of Gaslighting

Gaslighting is an insidious pattern of control, and while it most often occurs in intimate relationships, it can occur in many other contexts. That said, it frequently occurs in relationships where there is an unequal power dynamic; the person with more power is often the perpetrator.

Intimate Relationships

Gaslighting is not gender-specific, but some researchers indicate that in heterosexual relationships where gaslighting is present, men are more likely to gaslight and women are more likely to experience it.

Child-Parent Relationships

Gaslighting is often a learned behavior that children experience first at home. Gaslighting can occur within the family system, between children and parents.

Medical Relationships

When people seek healthcare treatment, they may be told by healthcare providers that:

• "It's all in your head."
• "There's nothing wrong with you."
• "You're a hypochondriac."

Racial Gaslighting

Racial gaslighting incorporates the same principles of manipulation in intimate partner gaslighting. It is accomplished through perpetuating false or dismissive narratives about the reality and lived experiences of different racial groups in favor of the reality of the dominant power structure.

Political Gaslighting

Gaslighting can be a political strategy. It involves manipulating the sense of reality to amplify power and seek political domination, while using gaslighting tactics to weaken the perception of the opponent.

Institutional Gaslighting

Research into the experience of whistle-blowers indicates in institutions, such as universities, companies, government agencies, religious organizations, and sports organizations, when individuals speak out, they are often traumatized by the emotional manipulation used to keep them quiet.

Why Gaslighting Works

Gaslighting works because it is subtle emotional abuse that happens gradually. The behavior usually begins in a relationship where trust has already been established. Because it happens slowly, the person who is being gaslit may not realize that the abuse is happening and will not question it.

Over time, gaslighting erodes a person's trust in their judgment and self-worth and causes them to question their actions, motivations, and even their sanity. This makes them more dependent on the abusive person and less likely to leave the relationship.  

The person being gaslit eventually becomes isolated, depressed, confused, and anxious.

How to Respond

When facing gaslighting, setting boundaries and remaining calm, assertive, and non-reactive may be helpful. Some suggestions of ways to respond include:

• "I experienced that differently."
• "I can understand your perspective is different, but I am not imagining things."
• "I get that you were just joking, but what you said was hurtful."
• "I find it really hard to listen when you talk to me like that."
  
• "We can agree to disagree."
• "I'm going to take a break, because I'm not feeling heard. We can try to discuss this again later."
• "I realize you feel strongly, but my feelings are valid too."

Getting Help

When gaslighting becomes abusive, it's essential to seek help.

If you suspect that you are being mistreated, it may help to journal your thoughts to gain clarity and have evidence of the behavior.

It may also help to talk to people you trust in your community, or a mental health provider you connect with to gain support, coping skills, and, if needed, trauma therapy.

Summary

Gaslighting is recurring psychological manipulation that causes a person to question their reality, instincts, feelings, and even their sanity. It is often present in intimate partner relationships, but it can also occur in family relationships, healthcare appointments, and institutional environments.

Gaslighting can manifest as lying, discrediting, blaming, trivializing, withholding, or diverting.

People who are consistently feeling gaslit or believe the gaslighting has escalated into abuse can seek help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline, mental health professionals, or other trusted community resources.