100 Funny Birthday Wishes to Make Them Laugh on Their Big Day

Birthdays are typically a time of joy, which makes funny birthday messages pretty much a no-brainer. Sure, you could go for something sentimental, but whether you're looking for the right words to personalize a DIY birthday card, make a great toast, or just put together the perfect social media post in honor of the occasion, short birthday wishes that bring on the grins and giggles are always appreciated. After all, short of a serious sour puss, who doesn't like to laugh? So after you've pulled together a great birthday cake, festive decorations and the perfect present, take a minute to top off your special someone's very special day by choosing one of the following rib-ticklin' birthday messages.

We've found 85 highly hilarious jokes, puns, one-liners and more, ideal for anyone celebrating another year around the sun. Below, you'll find flat-out funny messages for guys and gals, along with hysterical quotes from famous people, short greetings and even wishes geared for after the fact, if you're running a little late with the birthday goodness this year. Because if there's any day worth saluting it's a birthday—like Betty White once said, "The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana."

• Here's to getting as lit as the candles on your cake today!
• Birthdays are just like golf—if you don’t keep count it's a lot more fun.
• You might be prehistoric, but at least you're not extinct!
• I've already alerted the fire department, so go ahead and light the candles on your cake.
• Happy beer-thday, bud.
• Whatever you do, don't let aging get you down. It's way too hard to get back up again!
• May all your birthday wishes come true —except for the illegal ones!
• May you celebrate this birthday the way you celebrated the first one: naked and screaming.
• Happy birthday to a dude who isn't showing his age—or acting it, either.
• What did the bald guy say when he got a comb for his birthday? Thanks, I'll never part with it.
• Older? For sure. Wiser? Not so much. Happy Birthday, bro!
• You know you've hit middle age when your back is hairier than your head.
• It’s your birthday! You're now a year closer to being that old guy who yells at kids to get off his lawn.
• Happy Birthday, old man. So glad you're still alive and cake-ing!
• If anyone calls you old this birthday, don't worry about it. Just hit him with your cane and throw your dentures at him.
• Don't think of it as aging, think of it as leveling up. Congratulations and here's to a great year ahead!
• The best part of being older is that you did most of your stupid stuff before social media. Cheers to another trip around the sun!
• Happy Birthday, big guy! Don't forget to iron the wrinkles out of that birthday suit.
• If it's any consolation, in whiskey years you're just getting tastier. Happy birthday!
• Knock, knock. Who’s there? Abby. Abby who? Abby birthday!

• Happy birthday to my ride or die! I can’t wait until we’re old enough to terrorize the nursing home together!
• The secret to staying young is make-up—make-up an age, then stick with it.
• Is it hot in here? Must be all the candles on your birthday cake.
• I can only hope to be as great a woman as you one day. But, obviously with better clothes. Happy birthday!
• How do two pickle friends celebrate each other? They relish their birthdays, of course.
• Happy, Happy Birthday to the "she" to my "nanigans"!
• Happy birthday to one of the only people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder.
• Don't think of them as gray hairs. Think of them as strands of birthday glitter growing out of your head.
• This birthday, just remember: there's absolutely no shame in the Botox game.
• Another birthday spent together...you know we're going to be friends 'til we're old and senile, right? And then we'll be new friends!
• One minute, you’re young and fun. The next, you have a favorite burner on the stove. Which one is yours?
• You don’t look a day over 20. From a distance. With my eyes squinted. Happy birthday, bestie!
• For your birthday, I wanted to give you something that was absolutely wonderful, but then I remembered you already have me.
• Happy Birthday to someone who is comparable to fine wine and cheese. You just get better with age, lady!
• On your birthday, keep this in mind...you only look as old as your last selfie.
• It’s your (birthday) party and you’ll cry if you want to, though I don’t recommend it. We'll be taking loads of pics tonight and you don't want to streak your mascara.
• Friends celebrate friends on their birthdays. Real friends get you buzzed on your birthday. Good thing I’m the second kind.
• Here’s to another year of questionable life decisions! Happy birthday, rock star!
• Happy Birthday, queen! You definitely don’t look a day older than the age you tell people you are.
• You know, you've just turned the perfect age. You're old enough to recognize your mistakes but young enough to make a few more more.

• "You know you’ve aged when you read events you lived in a history book." ―Will Ferrell
• "Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning." ―Bob Hope
• "Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." ―Joan Rivers
• "You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, 'See if you can blow this out.'" ―Jerry Seinfeld
• "Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed." ―Charles Schulz
• "Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter." ―Mark Twain
• "I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it." ―Eva Gabor
• "You can live to be hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." ―Woody Allen
• "You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." ―Bob Hope
• "Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it." ―Will Rogers
• "Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen." ―Jim Gaffigan
• "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." ―Lucille Ball
• "The older you get the better you get. Unless you are a banana." ―Betty White
• "I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don’t have to respect anybody." ―George Burns
• "I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do." ―Phyllis Diller
• "There is still no cure for the common birthday." ―John Glenn
• "A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday." ―Erma Bombeck
• "When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off." ―Joan Rivers
• "Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." ―Truman Capote
• "Inside every older person is a younger person—wondering what the hell happened." ―Terry Pratchett

• A true friend remembers your birthday, but not your age.
• It’s better to be over the hill than under it.
• Congratulations on being born a really long time ago.
• Getting older is a piece of cake (and a few more candles).
• You're not old. You're simply aged to perfection.
• Age is just the number of years the world has been enjoying you.
• I'd be a lot more excited about you turning one year older if I was in your will.
• Happy one year closer to retirement!
• It's scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.
• Another year older and one step closer to Velcro shoes!
• What goes up but never comes down? Your age.
• Congratulations on getting slightly older!
• Have a GRATE birthday! (Hope that’s not too CHEESY.)
• For the record, you're not old, you're a classic.
• At least you're not as old as you'll be this time next year.
• You know you’re getting old when caution is the only thing you exercise.
• Happy 29 (again)!
• Remember that age is just a number…in your case, a REALLY high one.
• I was going to get you the best birthday present ever, but I’m too big for the gift box.
• Some people age gracefully, then there’s you. Happy birthday anyway.

• You shouldn't think of this birthday card as late. Consider it very early for next year.
• Your birthday came, and your birthday went. Here are the wishes that I should have sent.
• Happy Belated Birthday! When you're as old as I am, you’ll realize how hard it is to remember things.
• Sure, you had lots of birthday wishes yesterday, but who's thinking of you today? Me, that’s who!
• This card is actually late on purpose. Now it’s your birthday the entire month!
• I'm sorry I wasn't there to mourn your lost youth. Happy Belated Birthday!
• Now that everyone else’s birthday wishes have worn off, here’s one from me!
• I didn’t forget your birthday, I just wanted to make it last longer.
• I’m sorry my birthday wishes are belated. I didn’t think you’d live this long.
• Let me be the last to wish you a very Happy Birthday!
• Friends never forget birthdays! But sometimes they remember very, very, slowly.
• So while you think this birthday card is a couple of days tardy, I have to confess something. This is actually your card from 2015 that I just got around to sending.
• Sorry I missed your birthday! I promise it won’t happen again….this year.
• Happy Late Birthday! I guess good things really do come to those who wait.
• I really just wanted my card to stand out, so I decided to send it late.
• My apologies for these belated birthday wishes—they were so heavy with love and good energy they were slowed down a bit!
• I may have missed your birthday, but at least I didn’t forget that forgot!
• With age comes patience. Thanks for waiting for my belated birthday wish!
• I may have forgotten your birthday, but how am I supposed to remember it if you never look any older?
• Late birthday wishes are just a reason to eat more cake. And you don't even have to thank me!

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Jill Gleeson

Jill Gleeson is a travel journalist and memoirist based in the Appalachian Mountains of western Pennsylvania who has written for websites and publications including Good Housekeeping, Woman’s Day, Country Living, Washingtonian, Gothamist, Canadian Traveller, and EDGE Media Network. Jill is the travel editor for Enchanted Living. Learn more about her journey at gleesonreboots.com.