It's no secret that the best and funniest George Costanza quotes from Seinfeld rival even Jerry Seinfeld's own lines from the show. Jason Alexander was robbed of an Emmy win multiple times while spending nine years playing Jerry's neurotic best friend George Costanza, a character known for his horrible bad luck and questionable life decisions. Fan adoration and massive critical acclaim continue to give credit where credit is due, however, as George continues to be largely regarded as one of the greatest sitcom characters of all time.
Notably, George Costanza is based on Seinfeld co-creator and head writer, Larry David, inarguably one of the most foundational comedic voices of his generation. Cleverly, rather than becoming a caricature of Larry David, Jason Alexander instead gave George his own voice, creating a definitive curmudgeon character that predates even Larry David's semi-autobiographical protagonist in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Straight from the mouth of the self-proclaimed Lord of Idiots, here are the greatest, funniest, and most meme-able George Costanza quotes from Seinfeld.
15 "Squirrel? Well, We Have No Deal With Them!"
Season 9, Episode 6, "The Merv Griffin Show"
George had been living by an unwritten code forged between New Yorkers, and the pigeons that dwell within. Pigeons got out of the way of cars, and New Yorkers looked the other way on the statue defecations. Imagine his surprise when a group of pigeons refused to get out of the way, causing George to run them all over. Already in the doghouse with his girlfriend because of the incident, George took it upon himself to purposely swerve out of the way of a pigeon when they next rode together. Unfortunately, he failed to spot a nearby squirrel which he ran over instead.
14 "You Should've Seen The Look On Her Face! It Was The Same Look My Father Gave Me When I Told Him I Wanted To Be A Ventriloquist!"
Season 3, Episode 7, "The Cafe"
Desperate to impress a very intellectual woman, George asked Elaine to take his I.Q. test for him so he could fake a good result. Unfortunately, a series of mishaps caused Elaine to mess the test up and cause his score to plummet to an unimaginable 85. George came back to Jerry's place to confront Elaine on the disaster, uttering one of the most hilarious George Costanza quotes. Luck, it seems, was never on George's side, especially during the worst possible moments.
13 "Oh Noooooo! I'm So Sorry, It's The MOOPS! The Correct Answer Is 'The Moops.'"
Season 4, Episode 7, "The Bubble Boy"
George and Susan found themselves on the doorstep of a beloved young man known affectionately as the Bubble Boy by the local community, due to his need to stay in a protective bubble at all times. Unfortunately, the Bubble Boy was a complete jerk. After sitting down to play an unfriendly game of trivial pursuit, George became irate that he was losing. A chance moment to get revenge came when George pulled a card asking who invaded Spain during the 8th century. The Bubble Boy correctly answered "the Moors," but George was all-too-happy to take advantage of a misprint on the card which read "Moops," instead.
12 "You're Giving ME The 'It's Not You, It's Me' Routine? I INVENTED 'It's Not You, It's Me'!"
Season 5, Episode 6, "The Lip Reader"
George was such a loser that he actually took pride in being dumped. An example occurred when his frustrated girlfriend broke up with him by giving him the classic "it's not you, it's me" line. So insulted was George that he came down hard on her for daring to use an excuse he himself deemed to be one of the classic George Costanza quotes. Unwilling to be lied to, George insisted that it wasn't in fact her - but himself - who was the problem. When she finally acknowledged that it was, in fact, George, he replied "You're damn right it's me!"
11 “I’m Disturbed, I’m Depressed, I’m Inadequate – I’ve Got It All!”
Season 4, Episode 15, "The Visa"
George Costanza has gone to great lengths on many occasions to convince women that he’s a normal, well-adjusted guy in order to get dates. However, the one time he actually managed it, she turned out to be more interested in the kind of depressed loser that he actually was in his everyday life. Realizing that Jerry's fun-loving comedy persona was a major hit with the ladies, George forced him to act like a depressed killjoy in order to make himself look better. The plan backfired when George's date found herself incredibly attracted to Jerry's dark and disturbed faux persona, prompting George to panic and shout this line.
10 “Oh, No, Thanks. I Can’t Drink Coffee Late At Night. It Keeps Me Up.”
Season 2, Episode 4, "The Phone Message"
This is one of those George Costanza quotes that perfectly capture just how terrible he is when it comes to interacting with women. When a woman invites George up for coffee, he declines with this line. It didn't take long for him to realize his mistake. “She invites me up at twelve o’clock at night, for coffee, and I don’t go up. ‘No, thank you. I don’t want coffee. It keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee.’ I said this to her. People this stupid shouldn’t be allowed to live.”
9 “We Have Watched You Take Our Beloved Yankees And Reduce Them To A Laughing Stock!”
Season 5, Episode 22, "The Opposite"
In this iconic Seinfeld episode, George decides to do the opposite of every one of his natural bumbling instincts. When he interviews for a job at the Yankees and meets George Steinbrenner, he launches into a rant that would normally tank anyone else's employment chances. George pulls no punches as he tells Steinbrenner exactly what's on his mind. Evidently, the opposite move turned out to be the right one, after Steinbrenner replied "Hire this man!" It was yet another goal for George's win streak up to that point. What a shame it wouldn't last long before he went back to his old neurotic self.
8 “I Know I’m Not Cartwright!”
Season 2, Episode 11, "The Chinese Restaurant"
While waiting for a phone call from a woman, the waiter at a Chinese restaurant informs George that she had called and asked for "Costanza," but he replied "Cartwright" instead. What follows is a hilarious exchange between George and Jerry talking about the waiter who answered the phone and called out the name Cartwright. Jerry asks, “Who’s Cartwright?” George says, “I’m Cartwright.” Jerry says, “You’re not Cartwright.” Finally, George cries out, “I know I’m not Cartwright!” in true Abbott and Costello fashion.
7 “Was That Wrong? Should I Not Have Done That?”
Season 3, Episode 12, "The Red Dot"
After George gets a job at the same office Elaine works at, he decides to have sex with the cleaning woman on top of his own desk. A series of unfortunate events leads her to spill the beans to George's new boss, Mr. Lippman. Realizing he’s about to be fired, George goes for broke with this quote before adding, "I tell ya, I gotta' plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here, that that sort of thing was frowned upon, you know...‘cause I’ve worked in a lot of offices and I tell you, people do that all the time!"
6 “It’s Not A Lie If You Believe It.”
Season 6, Episode 16, "The Beard"
Few George Costanza quotes sum up the character as much as this one. Indeed, George is a master fibber, but he finds it difficult to keep up and choreograph his deceits when other people are involved. For example, Susan ends up thinking George is having an affair because Elaine couldn’t get the lie about what they were actually doing straight. When Jerry took a lie detector test after his policewoman girlfriend refused to believe he’d never seen an episode of Melrose Place, George realized he couldn’t teach him how to lie. He did, however, offer him this fantastically immoral snippet of wisdom.
5 “The Sea Was Angry That Day, My Friends! Like An Old Man Trying To Send Back Soup In A Deli!”
Season 5, Episode 14, "The Marine Biologist"
Jerry makes the hilarious mistake of conjuring up a fake story about George in order to impress an old school flame that involves him being (of all things) a Marine Biologist. Naturally, George's bad luck comes calling when they stumble across a crowd of people surrounding a beached whale. It's up to "Marine Biologist" George to save the day, resulting in some of the funniest George Costanza quotes in the show. Although his would-be girlfriend tells him to "go to Hell" after learning about the lie, George was left with the mother of all fish stories to wow his friends with.
4 “Worlds Are Colliding!”
Season 7, Episode 8, "The Pool Guy"
Anyone who has ever been in a long-term relationship can relate to George’s “Worlds are colliding!” theory. One's circle of friends and partner seem completely separate, and if they're together in the same room, it can be awkward. It really is like worlds are colliding – a perfectly apt metaphor, making this one of the most relatable George Costanza quotes. It's even worse if worlds are colliding in a good way, such as when Elaine and Susan become pals. If Susan joined George’s friendship group and started hanging around with Jerry and Elaine, “relationship George” would have had to merge with “independent George,” leading to the demise of the latter.
3 “But You Are, Blanche! You Are In The Shackles!”
Season 4, Episode 12, "The Airport"
In the episode “The Airport,” as George gets to the last magazine on the shelf before a convicted criminal (who is photographed on the cover), he channels Bette Davis in the movie What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?. In the movie, there’s a moment where Blanche tells Jane, “You wouldn’t be able to do these awful things to me if I weren’t still in this chair,” and Jane gleefully replies, “But you are, Blanche! You are in that chair!” Similarly, the criminal tells George, “If I wasn’t in these shackles...” and George – in the same gleeful tone as Davis’ Jane – replies, “But you are, Blanche! You are in the shackles!”
2 “Oh Yeah? Well, The Jerk Store Called. They’re Running Out Of YOU!”
Season 8, Episode 13, "The Comeback"
It may sound lame, but that's exactly why this is one of the funniest George Costanza quotes, as George wears his lameness proudly. After being insulted by a co-worker for his ravenous devouring of all the shrimp in the meeting, he struggles to devise the perfect comeback for their next fateful encounter. Eventually, he settles on "Oh, yeah? Well, the jerk store called. They’re running out of you!” Not only is it a weak comeback, but it's pummeled into submission by his nemesis' next reply, which completely deflates what little impact it had to begin with.
1 “Please, A Little Respect, For I Am Costanza, Lord Of The Idiots.”
Season 2, Episode 5, "The Apartment"
In an early episode of Seinfeld, George tries out a social experiment by wearing a wedding ring to see if it makes him more approachable to women. He ends up missing out on a friends-with-benefits situation, plus courtside seats to every sporting event at Madison Square Garden. Throughout the episode, Jerry and George have been arguing over who’s the bigger idiot. This is one of the George Costanza quotes that led Mike Costanza – Jerry Seinfeld’s old friend who the character was named after – to sue NBC and claim that his name had been slandered by being depicted as, among other things, the “Lord of the Idiots.”