The Kid (2000)

Bruce Willis: Russ Duritz

Photos 

Quotes 

• Russ Duritz : Aww, somebody call the waahmbulance!

• Rusty Duritz : How old are you?

  Russ Duritz : Forty. In a couple days.

  Rusty Duritz : That is old! I'm turning eight. In a couple days.

  Russ Duritz : Eight. You're eight. I'm eight.

  Rusty Duritz : This is scary.

  Russ Duritz : No. This is hilarious.

• Russ Duritz : There's safety in sandwiches.

• Deirdre Lefever : Why wouldn't your eight-year-old self time travel here to give you a hand? You're obviously in trouble. He could straighten you out!

  Russ Duritz : You think he's here to straighten *me* out?

  Deirdre Lefever : Well of course! You didn't think it was the other way around, didja?

  Russ Duritz : [nods hesitantly] 

  Deirdre Lefever : Maybe he's here for you to teach him some things... but maybe he's here for you to remember some things, ever thought about that?

  Russ Duritz : Not until just now, no.

  Deirdre Lefever : Look, you're turning forty tomorrow, you haven't acquired a single thing of real value in your life...

  Russ Duritz : Hey...

  Deirdre Lefever : - and no, no, money doesn't count. You're virtually friendless, you barely talk to your family, and you've just lost the only woman in the world who's ever meant anything to you.

  Russ Duritz : Who, Amy? Oh, come on, she's not... we work together, that's all. She's neurotic! She bites her nails... well, nail.

  [holds up his finger] 

  Russ Duritz : This one.

  [realizes] 

  Russ Duritz : Oh, my God...

  Deirdre Lefever : [to the waitress]  While he's getting a clue, could I get a warm-up, please?

• Russ Duritz : [looking at Rusty]  Doesn't the fact that I'm a pathetic dweeb make you despise me?

  Amy : No. Why? Do you despise you?

• Rusty Duritz : Mom, look. Daddy's home. Daddy?

  Sam Duritz : Gloria, what're you doin'? Are you out of your mind?

  Gloria Duritz : I'm fine. I'm fine.

  Sam Duritz : Come on, dear.

  [starts taking Gloria inside] 

  Sam Duritz : Shhhh. Get you inside.

  [turns to Rusty] 

  Sam Duritz : You stay there!

  Gloria Duritz : Please don't scare him. He's had a hard day.

  Sam Duritz : Gloria, the doctor said you weren't to leave the house.

  [Russ turns up to find Rusty standing outside awaiting his father. After getting his wife inside the house, Sam angrily goes to his son and accosts him] 

  Sam Duritz : WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

  Rusty Duritz : I'm sorry!

  Sam Duritz : [Shakes Rusty violently]  How could you do this to your mother? What're you trying to do, kill her faster?

  Rusty Duritz : WHAT?

  Sam Duritz : We're gonna LOSE her.

  [Shakes Rusty again] 

  Sam Duritz : God, and you pull some stunt like you did today; you're KILLING her!

  Rusty Duritz : [Rusty begins to helplessly break down]  I found the screw, Dad. The screw.

  Sam Duritz : [Grabs hold of Rusty's face]  Stop cryin'.

  Rusty Duritz : [Russ begins to tear up as he watches the confrontation]  Here's the screw, Dad! Look, here it is! Here it is, I found it!

  Sam Duritz : Just stop cryin'.

  Rusty Duritz : Please, Dad, look at the screw! Here it is!

  Sam Duritz : Stop crying!

  [He painfully rubs the tears away from Rusty's eyes] 

  Sam Duritz : STOP.

  [He lets go of Rusty's face] 

  Sam Duritz : You gotta grow up, now. Do you understand?

  Rusty Duritz : Yes, Sir.

  Sam Duritz : [He grabs Rusty and pulls him again]  Grow up.

  [He hastily lets go of Rusty] 

  Sam Duritz : Grow up!

  [He storms back inside and slams the door behind him] 

  Rusty Duritz : [Rusty notices Russ has seen the ordeal and heads over once his father has gone back inside]  Mom's dying.

  Russ Duritz : I know.

  Rusty Duritz : Soon?

  Russ Duritz : Yeah, before your next birthday.

  Rusty Duritz : Did I do it?

  Russ Duritz : No. No, you didn't do it.

  [He hugs Rusty] 

  Russ Duritz : It's not your fault. Dad was just saying those things because he's scared. 'Cause he knows that he has to raise you alone, and he doesn't know how to do it.

  Rusty Duritz : I thought you never cried.

  Russ Duritz : Not since my eighth birthday. Guess I'm starting up again.

  Rusty Duritz : How come?

  Rusty Duritz : 'Cause I just figured out where I got that twitch from.

  Rusty Duritz : Somebody call the "waahmbulance."

  Russ Duritz : [laughing]  Yeah. Yeah. Gonna need 'em now, huh?

  Russ Duritz : Come on. You wanna get outta here?

  [Rusty nods and they begin to leave] 

  Russ Duritz : Let's go. Let's go get something to eat.

  Rusty Duritz : Okay. But I'm eating whatever I want.

• Rusty Duritz : Isn't it cool we both have to go to the bathroom at the same time?

  Russ Duritz : Yes. I'll cherish this moment for a lifetime.

• Russ Duritz : What's done is done.

  Rusty Duritz : Yeah.

  Russ Duritz : But, hey, today's your birthday. Happy birthday, kid.

• Rusty Duritz : Am I in trouble?

  [wiping his runny nose on his hand and going to wipe it on the car seat] 

  Russ Duritz : You're going to be in *trouble* if you wipe that snot on my calfskin seat, don't do it!

• Russ Duritz : Look at him. It's so embarrassing.

  Amy : You're not embarrassing. You're adorable... then. You're adorable then.

• Rusty Duritz : When do I learn how to drive?

  Russ Duritz : When you're sixteen.

  Rusty Duritz : When do I get a car?

  Russ Duritz : When you're eighteen.

  Rusty Duritz : When do I get a hickey?

  Russ Duritz : [smile]  When you're seventeen.

  Rusty Duritz : When do I find out what a hickey is?

  Russ Duritz : Not tonight.

• Russ Duritz : Toshiya, let me ask you something. If you get called a jerk four times in a single day, does that make it true?

  Amy : What, only four? Did you get up late?

  Russ Duritz : Excuse me, I'm asking Toshiya.

  Toshia : Four times is a pattern. It have to be five times to be a fact.

  Russ Duritz : Thank you. See? There's hope after all.

  Amy : Jerk.

• Russ Duritz : Stop biting your nails.

  Amy : *Nail.* I only bite one. What's it to you, anyway?

  Russ Duritz : It matters because you work for me. When you bite your nails, you're advertising nervousness and insecurity.

  Amy : Really? Advertising all that with one little nail?

  [pushes up her nose at him] 

  Amy : What's this advertise?

• Russ Duritz : Stop biting.

  Amy : Leave me alone. I'm advertising terror and bewilderment.

• [on their way to a meeting] 

  Amy : Wait a minute, wait a minute... Hello.

  Russ Duritz : Hello...

  Amy : I haven't seen you in a couple of days, how've you been?

  Russ Duritz : Fine. Now can we go in?

  Amy : No. This is the bit where you ask me.

  Russ Duritz : Amy, we're really late. We don't have time to...

  Amy : Come on, give it a whirl.

  Russ Duritz : [bored, condescending]  Hi, Amy. How are you doing?

  Amy : [shrugs]  Fine. We're really late.

• Rusty Duritz : [watching airplane take off]  Wow! Look at us go!

  Russ Duritz : Yeah, look at us go... Look at us go, kid.

• [flying on a plane back to Los Angeles, anchorwoman Deidre Lefever strikes up a conversation with a very grumpy Russ Duritz] 

  Deirdre Lefever : So, what do you do for a living? You wanna tell me about it? You know, comfort of strangers and all that.

  Russ Duritz : No.

  Deirdre Lefever : Oh. Must be something on the Internet. Or finance. Genetic engineering, maybe, huh?

  Russ Duritz : [rudely]  I'm an image consultant, okay?

  Deirdre Lefever : Okay! So you sort of troubleshoot for folks? You know, give 'em makeovers when they need revamping, right?

  Russ Duritz : Right.

  Deirdre Lefever : Hey, look... I'm heading to L.A. to start an anchor job in the local news and I do not think it's an accident I'm sitting next to you.

  Russ Duritz : I see. So the cosmic purpose of our meeting is for me to give you free advice. What do *I* get out of it?

  Deirdre Lefever : We don't know. But I'll owe you!

  [smiles] 

  Russ Duritz : If I do it, will you shut up?

  Deirdre Lefever : Quiet as the dead.

  Russ Duritz : [beat]  Your hair's too long, your brows are too dark, your nails are too long... and your foundation's too orange. Your perfume's too sweet. It's the news, honey, not the prom. I like your eyes...

  Deirdre Lefever : [flattered]  Oh, thank you.

  Russ Duritz : Bluer. Try the tinted contacts. But only when your anchoring or in L.A.; when you're on assignment, take them out.

  Deirdre Lefever : What about my accent? I'm always being warned to stop saying "y'all".

  Russ Duritz : Don't ever stop saying "y'all". Your "y'all" is your trademark. Say "y'all" and you'll be promoted in six months. Say "y'all" with a smile, you'll be famous in twelve.

  Deirdre Lefever : Well, thank you.

  Russ Duritz : You're welcome. Now, will you please shut up?

• Russ Duritz : This little boy is me at age 8, and I want you to make him disappear.

  Janet : He's you?

  Russ Duritz : Yeah.

  Janet : At age 8?

  Russ Duritz : Mm-hmm.

  Janet : And you want me to make him disappear?

  Russ Duritz : [quietly desperate]  Please.

  [long pause] 

  Janet : How was the therapist this morning?

  Russ Duritz : Do it, Janet!

• Russ Duritz : [after learning he will soon become a guy with a dog and a chick and a pilot career]  I AM NOT A LOSER!

• Janet : I hadn't heard from you in four hours. I'd assumed you were dead. Hey, how's mini-you?

  Russ Duritz : That's hilarious, Janet.

• Russ Duritz : How can I help you, Governor?

  Governor : [weeping]  Some dirtbag -- dirtbag! -- from the Attorney General's office has dared to mention the word, "jail"!

  Russ Duritz : [mocking crying]  Waaaaahh.

  [the governor looks up confused] 

  Russ Duritz : [makes goofy sad face]  WAAAAAAAAAAAHH! Somebody call the WAAAAAAAAAAAHH-mbulance!

  Governor : What did you say?

  Russ Duritz : Governor, do you know the number one killer of politicians under the age of 60 is?

  Governor : No.

  Russ Duritz : Self-pity. Now, Governor, I'll be more than happy to help you out of this mess... that you so willingly seem to have stepped into. But you ought to do something.

  Governor : What's that?

  Russ Duritz : Stop crying.

  Governor : [wiping away her tears]  I'll try.

  Russ Duritz : No, I mean right now. You're giving me a headache.

• Russ Duritz : [after he and Rusty see the plane take off]  Look at us go. Kid?

  [he looks around to see that he is back in his own time and Rusty is long gone] 

  Russ Duritz : Bye, kid. Thanks.