Husband responds to - [My husband asked for a divorce, then changed his mind hours later + 1 year update]

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRAIndecisiveHus posting in r/relationship_advice and r/TrueOffMyChest

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Long

Original - 3rd April 2023

Update 1 - 10 November 2024

Update 2 - 11th March 2024

1 New Update

Thanks to u/snarkaluff for finding this update

Husband responds - 22nd April 2024

Husband OOP is u/ThrowRAIdontevenk

My (23F) husband (25M) asked for a divorce, then changed his mind hours later

Background: we've been together for two years, married for one. We're both in our early twenties.

The night of the bullshit we'd had an argument about the distribution of chores that I think triggered it. I thought it wasn't fair that I was doing the majority of the housework, on top of being a full time student at university and having a job. He seemed to think the chore distribution was fair and that I was overreacting. We came to a solution after all the bullshit I'm about to tell you about occurred, but essentially I was feeling overwhelmed and unheard and he was feeling stressed and confused as to why I thought this was a problem.

Later that night we're discussing the situation again, and I express how it feels like he's not listening to me and how distant he's been lately. Then he says there's a reason for the distance and I ask him to tell me why. He says that he thinks we moved too fast, he doesn't know who he is, and he wants a divorce. He says he cares about me, but doesn't love me. And that he's been feeling this way for a while.

Now, I've promised myself since years ago that I would never try to make someone stay with me if they don't want to. So, as much as this hurt, I said okay. I cried, he cried. I did ask if he wanted to try couples therapy before divorcing but he said no. We decided to sort out details in the morning, I grabbed some blankets to sleep on the couch and he went upstairs to bed.

In the midst of my sitting on the couch crying and looking up apartments, what felt like hours later, I hear him get up and come to the living room. He sits down next to me and just says "I fucked up so bad".

I freeze when I hear this, because I've barely processed the reality of what just happened and I can already see where he's going next. I ask him to elaborate and he says he doesn't want a divorce, that he doesn't know why he said that and he's feeling the most regret he's ever experienced in his life. He says that he realizes he fucked up and I don't have to take him back.

At this point I've experienced so much emotional whiplash that I've completely numbed out. I'd already cried all the tears I could. Now was just sitting there next to my sobbing husband and saying I'd take him back even though I'd barely processed the fact that he'd wanted to divorce me. I told him I wanted couples counseling and for him to get individual therapy and he agreed. I've asked him about individual therapy in the past but he never wanted to until now.

It's days later now. I've gone through all the stages of being mad at him, depressed that my marriage almost ended, insecure about myself, accepting the reality, feeling love for him, feeling numb. Cycling through all these emotions over and over again at random. We're searching for a couples counselor but a lot of them have wait-list right now. So in the meantime I just want to know, if anyone has been in a similar situation: does it get better? Does the trust ever come back? I feel like I can't trust him at all now. When he touches me I freak out sometimes because that's not the comforting feeling I'm used to when he touches me, it's the feeling like he's suffocating me.

I want to be here for him and help him through whatever mental shit he's going through. But this has been affecting my work and my school, I left my dream school for him. I can't just keep prioritizing him above everything else when he clearly doesn't do the same for me. And yet until now he was doing the same for me, he's always been so sweet buying me flowers making dinner going out of his way to make time for us. And before you scream abuse please know I've been in abusive relationships before and they felt nothing like this. He's not like those guys this is the first time he's ever done something like this. I just don't know how we can recover. Any advice about how to get through this would be appreciated.

Tl;Dr: husband asked for a divorce then changed his mind hours later. I don't know how to ever trust him again

Comments

pbd1996

Personally, I think you need to be single and work on yourself. If you got married a year into your relationship, that means you were engaged within just a few months of knowing him. Now you’re sobbing over this man and taking him back in the same breath/two hours after he said it was over. Also, just because he regrets what he said doesn’t mean he didn’t mean it. There was definitely truth behind his statement “we got married too fast.” There seems to be a lot of co-dependency in this relationship on both sides.

OOP: I think you might be right, it really fucking hurts..

OboesRule

Yep, it will hurt, but it won’t be forever. You need to focus on you, he needs to grow up more.

Unfair_Finger5531

In my experience, if he will do that once, he’ll do it again and again and again.

hideousfox

Yeah dude pulls divorce when confronted about CHORES.

PatchEnd

• "hubby will you take out the trash?"

• "screw you, DIVORCE ME!"

• "hubby will you pick the kid up from day care?"

• "screw you, DIVORCE ME!"

yeah....i can see ol'boy dropping divorce for everything! You don't drop divorce until the last possible breaking point.

I feel trapped in my marriage and I can't tell anyone - 8 months later

Eight months ago my (23F) husband (25M) asked for a divorce, then changed his mind hours later. We went to couples therapy and individual therapy (though he quit his individual therapy after just a couple sessions claiming he'd look for a new therapist and never did). We've worked through a lot of our issues, we've become better partners to each other. But despite all our improvements my mind keeps going back to that moment.

I find myself constantly monitoring his emotions, looking into his eyes to try to see if he's still in there or if they're vacant like they were that day. I completely shut down around his friends because I saw the text conversation he had with his best friend the day of and how they shit talked me. My husband swears his best friend doesn't hate me but I don't believe him. I live my life in constant fear that today is going to be the day he changes his mind again and leaves me. I've become obsessive about saving money in my personal account so that if he does leave I'll be okay. I find myself apologizing for everything, making myself small. I hate this version of myself. I feel like a coward.

Last night we had a fight about it because I asked for reassurance and he got upset. He said he's been trying so hard but that no matter what he does it feels like it will never be good enough. And honestly, he might be right. He really has been trying so hard and has been such a good partner these past few months, but I can't get what he did out of my head.

I've tried to explain so many times in so many ways how much what he did hurt me and how it's going to take time to heal. His response last night, "good people make mistakes, get over it". So I decided that the pain of bringing it up again and again and hurting him in the process wasn't worth it. I told him I'd stop talking about it and try to forgive him. I feel like I've just made the ultimate betrayal to myself.

I stopped individual therapy a bit ago to save money, but the combination of last night plus the fact that I feel compelled to post on reddit about this probably means I should go back. I fantasize about going back to my dream school, running away, just leaving all of this behind. I hate that I gave up my dream life for a man who maybe doesn't even want me and that I'm stuck playing the part of the good quiet wife who shuts up for the sake of protecting his image. I hate what I've become. It's hard to see a way out.

DrunkenSnorlax

So, what I'm reading here, is that though your husband has done so much work and improved so much for his marriage... He cannot consider your side of.. The marriage. Because a marriage is between two people, two partners, it takes more than just one side. It doesn't sound like he's improved as much as he thinks he has. If he cannot be assed to have a conversation with you about it, that's where the bar is for your marriage. Especially after he instigated this crater in the road and has 'worked to fix it.'

OOP: To be fair to him, it's probably hard for him to feel like he can't fix what he did. I'm not the only one hurting in this. I keep trying to talk about it with him to try to work on fixing it, but it just seems to make him upset and he says it doesn't help anything.

Update - 1 year later from original post

One year ago I (24F) made this post asking for advice on how to continue with my relationship after my (now-ex) husband (26M) betrayed my trust by telling me he wanted a divorce out of the blue and then changing his mind just a couple hours later.

As stated above, he is now my ex. Those of you who said that he would repeat the same behavior again, you were right. On New Years Day 2024 he said he wanted a divorce, packed a bag and left to a motel, then came back hours later. I'll admit, I was a wreck that day. I asked him if this was just going to be like last time and he said no. I asked him if he felt mentally okay and he said he felt fine. I got on my knees and begged this man to stay (not my proudest moment) and he looked at me with empty, vacant eyes and just left.

I was in tears for a couple hours, but then I opened this app to try to distract myself and saw he had made a (now-deleted please don't go looking for his account) post on the divorce subreddit about how he left me and felt bad but didn't regret it. Then I went from depressed to furious. I called my landlord and told him that I was getting a divorce and needed his help in changing the locks. My landlord was very understanding and helped me do so.

A few hours later I heard a knock on the door and when I opened it my ex-husband was standing there, I didn't even get a chance to tell him to leave because he immediately collapsed into my arms sobbing. The first coherent words to come out of his mouth were "you're not gonna take me back are you?"

Reddit, I would love to say that I rejected him right then, but I didn't. Even after all of this I was still hooked into his web of manipulation. So instead I sat down with him and had a long discussion about how much he hurt me, how in the middle of working to rebuild the trust that had been broken between us he completely destroyed any progress that had been made and found a way to make that distrust even worse. I don't remember the details of what he said, but he always knew what to say to get me to feel sorry for him.

The night ended with me saying I would take him back. He was smiling, saying he'd never felt so hopeful, he wrote me a love poem that night for the first time in years. Meanwhile I had never felt so broken, and I told him that after he said he felt so hopeful. He shrugged it off and said I'd feel better in the morning. I did not, in fact, feel better in the morning.

During the next few days while I was trying to pick myself back up, study for finals, and continue going to work as if nothing was wrong, he went back and forth every day on whether or not he loved me, whether or not he wanted to be married to me. He said he thought he loved the idea of being a husband more than he loved me.

My last straw was when I reached out to one of his childhood friends, who I had interacted with a few times and though I could trust to be honest with me, and asked him if he had ever noticed any red flags in my ex-husband's behavior in his past relationships or behavior towards women in general.

This friend assured me that he had never noticed anything of the sort. I thanked him and asked if he could please not tell ex-husband I asked that since I was afraid of what he might do. When my ex-husband came home from work that day I could immediately tell he knew. He opened the front door so forcefully.

He sat down on the couch next to me, told me he knew, and said in a low and almost growling tone of voice "But I know you didn't mean any harm by it". I was frozen in fear and couldn't say anything, but then he grabbed my face and turned my head to look at him and his eyes looked so cold, and he said again "You didn't mean any harm by it right?". I nodded and forced myself to answer "right".

And I knew in that moment this man would kill me if I didn't find a way out of this relationship, if I didn't kill myself first with how bad my mental health was getting after dealing with him insulting and belittling me day after day. I was genuinely starting to spiral into a dark place I hadn't been to in years.

The next day while he was at work I packed a bag, wrote a note telling him I'm leaving and that I want his stuff out of the house when I get back, left the note on the counter with my ring and spent the night at my mom's.

It is an uncontested divorce, filing by mail, and should be finalized in April. I started the paperwork at my mom's house that first night of separation.

Since ending my relationship I have gone to therapy and realized just how abusive and manipulative my ex-husband was. I also understand how broken he is, but being mentally unwell is not an excuse for abusive behavior. What he did to me was abuse and I'm not afraid to say that anymore. I have reconnected with old friends and made new ones.

I have started doing things that I love again, things he never wanted me to do like wearing red lipstick or eating mint-flavored things and going to concerts. I've realized I never want to be married again. I've discovered my polyamorous identity and have begun to explore this side of myself. I have plans to move out of my hated hometown that he had dragged me back to. I feel so much more joy, freedom, and self-love than I ever did when I was in a relationship with my ex-husband.

I won't be using this account anymore after this, as I have no need to. But I want to thank this community and the other reddit subs that I've participated in. If I had never made my original post I don't think I would have realized just how awfully my ex-husband treated me. Thanks to the support of hundreds of voices telling me I deserved better, I realized how true that statement was. I deserve better, and now I have better.

I also want this update to be a beacon of hope to anyone who has found themselves in a similarly emotionally/verbally abusive situation: life is so much better when you leave. There is hope, there is light on the other side of the pain.

Thank you again Reddit. I am finally free.

Comments

indiajeweljax

That friend of his a fucking low-down dirty scoundrel. I’m so glad you’re out of this situation. And how exhausting is your ex? It’s so weak and pathetic, breaking up and getting back together day after day. I wish him the life he deserves.

zidey

I'm gonna maybe say something that might sound wrong but bare with me. The friend did OP a MASSIVE favour. If he hadn't told the ex husband she called, it may have been a while before OP saw that scary side of the ex and for all we know he may later down the line have snapped and hurt her, this way she saw it and got out physically unharmed.

Material-Paint6281

Damn, it looks like you've joined the "He's not abusive" to "Update: He is abusive" club. I'm glad you're free now. Hope you have a great life.

**New Update**

Husband's response - 1 month later

I know I'll probably come off as the villain but I need to get this out. I destroyed my marriage and I still don't even know why.

I'm in my twenties, so is my ex-wife. We had this fast summer romance, it was my first relationship that ever got serious. She wanted to go to college in another country, and I didn't want to lose her so I said I'd go with her. Maybe that's where I first fucked up. Turns out getting a work visa when you don't know the language is pretty much impossible, and so the only way I could go with her was if we got married. She asked if I would marry her, and I said yes. At the time I thought we would be getting married someday anyways, so why not shorten the timeline a bit. I really did love her, I want to emphasize this because my actions later on admittedly did not reflect that. We had a small wedding, I've never been one for fancy things and she said she'd rather spend the money on our future than some elaborate party.

She spent months searching for an apartment for us in the country she'd be studying in but ultimately we had to decide on her going alone first when the school year started and me staying in our home country while she continued to search for a place for us to stay. This was rough, and honestly I couldn't stop imagining her finding someone new or going out to college parties the way all the movies show and finding someone she wanted more than me. It's always been an insecurity of mine, especially because she's bi and some things she'd say sometimes made me wonder if she'd like being with a woman more.

Long story short she ended up getting sick and we decided she should come back home and continue her studies here. She got really depressed after coming back home. She didn't want to go out because she didn't want to run into people we knew, she felt like she'd failed in her goals. I tried to help her get back on her feet, but she was just so in her head and I just couldn't stand it sometimes. Something had shifted then. She got angry with me a lot, we'd get into fights and I hated it because I'm not a person who gets angry, ever. She said I didn't do my fair share of chores, got upset whenever I'd spend too much time gaming and not enough attention on her, it was like I had to be this perfect picture of me she had in her head otherwise I was a monster.

One night it got really bad. I had said I was going to do the dishes and I honestly just forgot, I was going to do them after one more round of COD with the boys but I forgot and as we were going to bed she turned and saw the dishes in the sink and started screaming at me. I was already tired and I had work in the morning and honestly couldn't be bothered. She stomped downstairs and did them and I'm pretty sure she intentionally made as much noise as possible so I couldn't even sleep until she was done.

The next day while I was at work I decided I was done, it was like some sort of switch just flipped in my brain. I didn't want to go on being treated like this, I'd seen this kind of stuff play out with my own parents and I didn't want to be miserable like them. So when I got home I sat her down and told her I wanted a divorce. She seemed surprised which I thought was strange because from my end it seemed like we were both unhappy. She took it pretty well though, we had a long conversation about our feelings and stuff and decided that I'd take the bed and she'd take the couch and we'd sort out details in the morning. She asked if I was sure, if I wanted to try therapy first, and I was so sure that this was what I wanted. It was rough, laying upstairs in our bed I was still able to hear her sobbing, but I was so sure this was what was best for both of us.

Then I don't even know how to describe it, it was like a switch flipped in my head again and I started imagining what my life would be like without her, the morning coffees and kisses, the way she always remembered my birthday (my family forgets every year), her constant encouragement, seeing her smile, then my mind flashed to how broken she looked when I told her we were done and I cannot even begin to describe the stab in the heart I felt when I realized I had just hurt the person I loved most in this world. I knew I couldn't live without her, and I'd do anything to make her smile again.

So I went downstairs, it was still late at night I don't know how much time had passed, and watched her try to wipe away her tears and try to look put together as I sat down next to her. I didn't even know what to say. The first thing I could think of was "I fucked up so bad". She set down her laptop and I saw it was open to some apartment search site. She asked me what I meant and I told her I still loved her, that I didn't know why I said everything that I did and I don't deserve any sort of forgiveness but could we please try again. And this saint of a woman held me in her arms as I broke down crying and forgave me. She said she wanted couples therapy which I instantly agreed to, I would have agreed to anything she wanted if it meant staying together.

The next day was rough, she was starting her new job (I had terrible timing I know), and she wouldn't even undress in front of me, she went into the bathroom to change clothes. There was no kiss goodbye before work, no kiss hello after, she wouldn't even look me in the eyes. This went on for a while. It was a full week before she let me have sex with her. And things did slowly start to get better. But she was never fully the same. The fun loving woman I fell in love with was gone, it's like the light in her eyes had gone out. I tried everything I could, I went to the therapy sessions, I bought her flowers, planned date nights, went out of my way to get her favorite chocolate, listened to the books she wanted about emotional labor and I even created a chore chart so the housework could even out. And some days she'd be fine but there were a lot of nights when I'd wake up to hear her crying in bed next to me.

If I tried to comfort her she'd just push me away and say she was fine, so at some point I stopped trying and just lay there and listen to her trying to stifle her sobs and wonder how many nights she was doing this. Other times she'd get angry, any mistake I made she'd always find a way to tie it back to how I "abandoned" her. It was like nothing I could ever do would be enough, I'd always be the monster who made her feel unloved. One of the worst gut punches was when I realized she'd changed her phone background from a photo of us to a bunch of photos of her friends. I asked her why she changed it and she said she just felt like it. My background stayed as a picture of her until the very last day.

After months of this back and forth trying to please her, and one too many nights of listening to her crying in bed, I looked through her phone and saw something she'd written about how she felt trapped in our marriage. The next day I told her I wanted a divorce, that I knew she was unhappy and I was too and this is what was best for both of us. I went further this time, packed a bag and went to a hotel, turned off my location. She acted different this time. The first time she was calm, self-assured, said she wasn't going to beg for me. But this time was different, she was hysterical, literally got on her knees begging me to stay. It was really unlike her, I was honestly a little worried for her safety. But I left anyways. Hopped online, told the boys it was over, tried to distract myself with gaming because it's the only thing that keeps me sane. Eventually I logged off and just lay in the hotel bed listening to music trying to fall asleep, and a song came on that meant something to our relationship and it was like something broke in me, I couldn't stop crying.

I ran to the car and drove back home sobbing and speeding I'm not sure how I didn't crash. When I got there I tried to unlock the door and the key wouldn't fit, she'd changed the locks already. I had to knock on the door of my own home and the waiting seemed to last forever. I know it sounds pathetic but as soon as she opened the door i just collapsed into her, I was crying so much I nearly hyperventilated. She was standing really still, she didn't say anything and her arms were flat by her side and I could tell she wasn't going to take me back his time. After I pulled myself together I saw a bunch of trash bags by the table and knew it was probably my things. I asked her if she'd take me back, she hesitated for a while before saying she'd have to think about it. We had a long talk, a good talk, about our whole relationship and everything that had happened. Somehow I managed to convince her that we could give another try. I had gone from feeling so empty that morning to feeling so hopeful by the nighttime, I felt like this time really would be different, I started writing again, she even let me have sex with her that night rather than waiting a week like last time. She said she felt broken and was saying some scary shit about wanting to kill herself but she's always been a bit melodramatic so I knew she'd come around. I fell asleep dreaming of a better life for us.

But the next few days were hell. I woke up realizing that after I'd fallen asleep she'd put her clothes back on and slept on the floor. She would barely eat, everything she did seemed robotic, and every night I'd have to pull her away from the knives and pills because she kept saying things about how she didn't want to live. One night it got really bad, she was crying in bed as usual and when I asked her what was wrong she started begging me to kill her, saying I was a coward for "killing her soul and leaving her body here to suffer". I was really scared for both of us. I managed to talk her down somehow, and the next morning I came home to a note on the counter saying she was staying at her mother's and she wanted me out of here by the weeks end. She left her ring on the note so I knew she was serious, and honestly I was just glad it wasn't a suicide note. So I took the rest of my things and left.

We've interacted a few times since then to get papers sorted, and now the divorce is final. From what I can tell she seems happy, I guess she's moving soon and maybe has a new guy I can't tell, I try not to look at her things.

For the life of me I can't figure out why I did it. She's telling people I was abusive, maybe I was. My father seems to think I'm in the right which makes me feel icky because he's a misogynist prick. I loved her, I really did. And I'm starting to realize just how much she did for me. My apartment's a mess without her, my life's a mess I keep forgetting shit because she's not here to remind me, I have a toothache but keep forgetting to make an appointment because she was always the one to do that and I don't even think I have dental insurance anyways, I miss my dog, I miss her, I miss having someone to come home and vent to and she was always so understanding of me. I took her for granted. And now she's off to some foreign country probably fucking her ex or something and I'm stuck here away from my family and friends working my ass off in a 9-5 with nothing to show for it.

Comments

taorthoaita

So, you were shite with chores, don’t know if you have dental insurance, and can’t make your own appointments. You played with ‘the boys’ on video games, which would normally be fine, except it sounds like you made her into your mother so you sound like an immature teen that needs to be told to get off his ass to contribute to the house.

lesliecarbone

"I have a toothache but keep forgetting to make an appointment because she was always the one to do that and I don't even think I have dental insurance anyways"

It's a beautiful thing when weaponized incompetence backfires.

Few-Ad5700

Lol so you move out and your apartment is a mess and you're incapable of making your own dentist appointments? Sounds like she dodged a bullet. She'll be thriving without having to babysit her "partner".

Husband OOP: I want to point out that I did start contributing more after she told me. I just didn't realize how much she was doing.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.