The Abridged Script
FADE IN:
TITLE CARD: THE NEAR FUTURE. IT IS A TIME OF HOPE AND CONFLICT WHERE PEOPLE LOOK TO THE STARS, HEY DID YOU KNOW "TO THE STARS" IN LATIN IS "AD ASTRA"? WELL IT TOTALLY IS, AND THUS WE HAVE THE TITLE FOR OUR MERRY ADVENTURE
BRAD PITT (V/O)
Hello audience. I'm an astronaut and I suck. Everything fucking sucks. My heart rate can't even reach 80 bpm because I'm so flat and dead inside, so buckle up for two hours of space moping.
TITLE CARD: OKAY PERHAPS "MERRY" IS OVERSTATING IT. ANYHOO
EXT. SPACE ANTENNA - EARTH
BRAD is working on the immensely tall SPACE ANTENNA when suddenly there's a massive Solar-System-wide shockwave of DADDY ISSUES!!!
BRAD PITT
Aiiee! Barrage of feels... overloading receptors!
BRAD attempts to throw the IRONIC DETACHMENT SWITCH but it's TOO LATE! Antenna parts begin ACTING OUT and EXPLODING, throwing BRAD off the tower and sending him PLUMMETING downward! However he opens his PARACHUTE and lands safely, so it seems he wasn't in THAT much danger after all, heck maybe this is how they go home every day.
INT. PSYCHOLOGICAL TESTING ROOM
BRAD sits down for his compulsory INNER MONOLOGUE TEST.
BRAD PITT
(into microphone)
I am focussed and clear-headed. I am fully grounded and present unlike oh let's say MY DAD. I will perform my regularly scheduled psych tests, also a handy tool to speak my thoughts directly to the audience.
BRAD reminisces about his EX-WIFE, LIV TYLER.
BRAD PITT (V/O)
Liv left me because I was so DISTANT. Almost as if I was WORLDS AWAY. Like there was THE COLD VACUUM OF SPACE between us. My communications skills often had a THREE HOUR DELAY and came by RADIO. Also our intimacy lacked COMPLEX ORBITAL MECHANICS okay maybe that one's a stretch.
INT. MEETING ROOM - SPACE FORCE HQ
BRAD is brought in for BRIEFING by a SPACE FORCE GENERAL who shows him a promo shot of TOMMY LEE JONES in SPACE COWBOYS (2000).
SPACE FORCE GENERAL
As you know, at the end of Space Cowboys we flung Tommy Lee towards Neptune, where he took charge of a mission searching for alien life. When we lost contact three years later, we presumed him dead. But his second billing in THIS movie leads us to believe he might, just possibly, still be alive.
SPACE FORCE MAJOR
The Surge waves that fragged the Space Antenna were created by anti-matter flooble booble from Tommy Lee's ship. Unless they are stopped the entire solar system could destabilize, and all life would die.
BRAD PITT
So you've launched every nuke we have with our best targeting software, to blow the shit out of any bogie they find orbiting Neptune?
SPACE FORCE GENERAL
Negative. We need you to try and communicate with Tommy Lee because HE'S YOUR DAD and we're hoping that SINCE HE'S YOUR DAD he will reply to HIS SON WHICH IS YOU
(face twitches one micrometre)
(single molecule of tear forms in eye)
SPACE FORCE MAJOR
To enact this plan you must travel to Mars, which has the ONLY transmitter not fried by the Surge. To avoid a general panic, you'll fly commercially to the Moon first.
BRAD PITT
And how are commercial spaceflight companies operating without any working transmitters, exactly? How are we informing Moon and Mars personnel of our plan?
SPACE FORCE GENERAL
No it's not like that, everyone can still communicate with everyone else except for communicating with Tommy Lee Jones because his ship runs on narrative requirements.
SPACE FORCE MAJOR
Now, on your mission you'll be accompanied by Tommy Lee's fellow Space Cowboy, Donald Sutherland. Since all our survival depends on this we chose the oldest, wrinkliest person available to be your backup.
DONALD SUTHERLAND
(entering)
Hello Brad. I'm sure you understand that you must be carefully supervised since you're so personally close to this mission. Also I knew your Dad and he accused me of treason, so unlike you I have zero emotional baggage.
BRAD PITT
I appreciate that, but really, you fellows don't need to worry about me.
(clears throat)
I'm very skilled at keeping my conflicting duties separate. I won't be tempted to abort the mission for my dead parent. I'll get the message to him, be it one attempt or sev-er-al. I am the very model of emotion.
(salutes)
Major.
(salutes)
General.
BRAD and DONALD board a commercial shuttle and TAKE OFF for THE MOON!
MUPPET SHOW ANNOUNCER
PITT'S...... IN..... SPAAAAAACE!
INT. LUNAR COLONY
BRAD and DONALD arrive at the MOON AIRPORT, which looks pretty much exactly like an EARTH AIRPORT, complete with DHL COURIER, SUBWAY RESTAURANTS, and EARTH GRAVITY. They meet their ESCORT TEAM led by military guy SEAN BLAKEMORE.
SEAN BLAKEMORE
Your next ship is parked on the Dark Side of the Moon, right between Breathe and On The Run. We'll help get you there, but I should warn you there's lots of Moon Pirates between us and them.
BRAD PITT
This seems unnecessary. The fate of all life at stake, and Space Force couldn't arrange for that ship to park over here? Or book every seat on the commercial flight and land us directly over there?
SEAN BLAKEMORE
Yeah, but... Moon pirates, dude. MOON. PIRATES.
BRAD PITT
(thinks)
Okay you're right, that IS too much fun not to do.
Despite the threat of MOON PIRATES, our team heads out in three rovers... but are attacked by MOON PIRATES!!
SEAN BLAKEMORE
OH SHIT, MOON PIRATES, NOBODY SAID THERE COULD BE MOON PIRATES! DOES ANYONE HAVE A CONTINGENCY PLAN FOR MOON PIRATES
But they DO NOT! There is an ACTION PACKED CHASE during which the MOON PIRATES take out both ESCORT VEHICLES plus SEAN BLAKEMORE!
BRAD PITT
Oh look, Sean had a gun. There's a notion.
BRAD shoots a bunch of PIRATES but they ram his ROVER and force it off a CLIFF, HOLY SHIT!
BRAD PITT
Ha ha, the lower gravity means we can survive this huge fall just fine!
MOON PIRATES
Which also means we could keep chasing you just fine, but eh, screw it. MOON PIRATES... AWAY!!!
The MOON PIRATES race off and have awesome fun MOON PIRATE adventures which are RAD AS FUCK.
INT. DARK SIDE MOONBASE
We, of course, are still stuck with BRAD as he arrives at the MOONBASE.
BRAD PITT
Hey guys, it's us! Everyone else died except me and Sutherland.
DONALD SUTHERLAND
(hacks, coughs, collapses)
BRAD PITT
Well, except me.
DONALD SUTHERLAND
(weakly)
I'm sorry, we can only have one famous person in a scene with you at any one time, and there's new characters coming up soon... quick, take this. You need to know THE TRUTH.
DONALD reaches into one of his facial folds and produces a MEMORY CHIP specially marked ULTRA MEGA TOP SECRET ESPECIALLY FROM BRAD.
INT. SPACESHIP "SYPHILIS"
BRAD boards and meets CAPTAIN DONNIE KESHAWARZ, along with astronauts BOBBY NISH, KIMBERLEY ELISE, and LOREN DEAN who--and I cannot stress this enough--was also in SPACE COWBOYS.
BRAD PITT (V/O)
Look at these assholes. How do they live with themselves, pushing the frontiers of human knowledge and experience like a bunch of fucking clowns. God do they ever suck.
BOBBY NISH
I'm sure we all passed our psych evals before boarding, so here's mood stabilizer pills for everyone! Wheee. So tasty.
BRAD PITT
I'm good thanks, if my mood were any more stable I'd be a barn.
After launching, BRAD sneaks off and listens to the ultra top secret file.
TOP SECRET VOICE
Listen Donald, the REAL mission is to take out Tommy Lee once we know where he is. This message is coded to only play once, requires a password to activate, and is only licensed for three devices. Unless Brad needs to hear this, in which case any security protocols we might have are disabled.
While BRAD is trying to process this new information there is a MAYDAY!
BRAD PITT
Ignore that, Captain! We must stay on course, and besides, following that signal could lead to a whole protomolecule-laced faux-Martian ambush and we can't risk that.
CAPTAIN DONNIE KESHAWARZ
(super-passive-aggressively)
Well you DO outrank me so you COULD commandeer the ship, I suppose, if you really WANTED to, but then you'd have to tell all of us what our REAL mission is.
BRAD PITT
I don't think that's how need-to-know works. But whatever, it's only all known life at stake, knock yourself out.
They detour over to the MAYDAY SIGNAL and find a mysterious SHIP.
BRAD PITT
You guys investigate if you want, I'm gonna stare at videos of Tommy Lee and Liv some more.
(mopes)
CAPTAIN DONNIE KESHAWARZ
But this is an animal research ship! They might even have... SPACE BABOONS. DUDE.
BRAD PITT
(thinks)
Okay yeah that does sound fun.
BRAD and DONNIE head over and do indeed find SPACE BABOONS that EAT DONNIE'S FUCKING FACE RIGHT THE FUCK OFF. Accordingly, BRAD blows them up depressurization-style before they can join the MOON PIRATES to create SPACE BABOON MOON PIRATES which would almost certainly tear a catastrophic rupture in the CINEMATIC-AWESOMENESS CONTINUUM.
EXT. MARS ORBIT
Just as the ship reaches Mars and begins its descent, there's another SURGE! The ship is gonna CRASH!
BRAD PITT
That's okay, I'm so fucking bored by life in general I can easily keep my calm and land this thing.
(does so)
I like how new captain Loren Dean totally froze while shitting his pants though, yay for our relentless top-notch psychological testing.
They disembark and we get to see MARS STATION, full of COOL TECHNOLOGY, STUNNING VISTAS, a NATASHA LYONNE ROOM, and FUNKY STYLISH RED INTERIORS hey wait, did you say NATASHA LYONNE?! Well shit let's get more details about-
RUTH NEGGA
Hello Brad! Welcome to Mars. I'm ostensibly in charge here but I don't have sufficient clearance to accompany you to your top secret mission, so I'll just be walking you thirty feet to this door. Sure glad I fucking dropped everything to come do this.
BRAD is taken to a PROFESSIONAL-GRADE FULLY EQUIPPED RECORDING BOOTH because no way is TOMMY LEE JONES gonna respond to some random crappy-ass bootleg shit. The man has STANDARDS, after all.
BRAD PITT
Did you guys build this room special? Or have you always had a recording studio in this remote scientific outpost?
SPACE FORCE DJ
Yeah it's always been here, as part of our official mission to export precious resources, rare elements, and phat beats back to Earth. Now please read the prepared statement into the mic.
BRAD PITT
(reading)
Attention parental unit. This is offspring unit requesting an exchange of informational packets, encoded verbally. To respond within an optimal number of units expired, is preferred. Offspring unit ends transmission.
SPACE FORCE DJ
Awright, let's see anyone with heartstrings resist THAT tugfest! Broadcasting... now!
However there is... NO RESPONSE. Before the next attempt, BRAD is sent to his SOOTHING ROOM which projects pretty pictures on all the walls.
BRAD PITT
All these pleasing images with zero narrative energy seem oddly fitting... hm, maybe I'll brood about my ex-wife for a bit.
LIV TYLER
(on recording)
I love you Brad, but you've got to understand I'm more than just an Armageddon shoutout. I'm my own person with my own life, zero of which is shown in this film so I just realized, I can have any job I want! Cool! Anyway, gotta get back to my awesome career as a professional yacht racer, gourmet restaurant critic, photojournalist, zoologist, and consulting detective! AW YEEAHHHHH
(recording ends)
At the next session, BRAD decides to go off-script and speak like a HUMAN BEING and OH HEY IT WERKS!!
MILITARY PERSON
Ah yes. Now that we finally have a signal to trace and throw nukes at, your services are no longer required Brad.
BRAD PITT
The Surge was also a signal though--
(thrown into soothing room)
After a while RUTH comes to see BRAD.
RUTH NEGGA
Once again it is time for you to know THE TRUTH. Despite me not having Space Force top secret clearance, I do have this ultra-SUPER-mega-top-secret recording of what REALLY happened with Tommy Lee. He murdered his crew including... my parents, dun dun dunnn!
BRAD PITT
Oh shit! Does that mean you're going to stow away on the ship heading for Neptune, make sure they nuke Tommy good, and finally have your revenge?
RUTH NEGGA
Huh, that would make sense. No, I was gonna help you escape so YOU could stow away, after all this is your movie.
BRAD PITT
So Space Force has known all along that a deranged madman was fucking with antimatter that could eradicate humanity, and they did nothing for 16 years? That's almost as bad as letting me within 500 miles of the person my Dad killed the parents of.
RUTH NEGGA
Anyway we gotta move quick. They're sending Loren Dean's doofus-ass crew to transport a nuke to Tommy Lee, instead of handing things over to actual military personnel. And they're leaving soon!
BRAD PITT
Right. Can you drive me over to the launch site? Even though you'd lose your career over it?
RUTH NEGGA
Luckily for you, lawless hard-driving desert road trips are kind of my thing.
SPACE TULIP RUTH drives BRAD out to a HATCH in the desert floor. BRAD goes through it and down a DARK TUNNEL, then SWIMS through a DEEP DARK POOL of MORE FLASHBACKS AND VOICEOVERS YAY, finally emerging at the base of the ROCKET!
BRAD PITT
Now I just gotta figure how to get through the sealed exterior doors before the engine blast fries me to crispy atoms. And the way I'll do that is-
(does so)
-sure, that works.
INT. SPACESHIP "SYPHILIS"
On board, the CREW have been given orders to STOP BRAD!
LOREN DEAN
So I guess we seal him inside the airlock and then leave him there?
KIMBERLY ELISE
Sure, OR, we can point guns and yell while floating unsecured, our faces pointed towards the rear of the ship! THAT way, when the secondary boosters kick in it'll launch us head-first towards
(dead)
BOBBY NISH
SHIT! That does it Brad, we're having... a knife fight?! What the fuck?!
BRAD PITT
I'm as surprised as you. Well, um, here goes I guess.
They have a ZERO-G ONE-KNIFE FIGHT and BRAD kills BOBBY! LOREN tries SHOOTING BRAD, but from far enough away that he can MISS and shoot the CANISTER OF POISONOUS SUBSTANCE instead, thus KILLING himself.
BRAD PITT
Good thing I kept my spacesuit on! And also good that the close-quarters knife fight didn't create even a single hole in my suit or I'd be dead too.
(looks around)
Looks like I must fly on... ALONE. With only my thoughts and the looming spectre of my father.
(pause)
Because I got everyone else fucking killed. But now, the final stage of my crushingly inevitable path is at hand...
To pass the time on the long journey to NEPTUNE, BRAD does some MORE MONOLOGUING AND THERE'S MORE SLO-MO VIDEO OF TOMMY LEE JONES AND LIV TYLER AND AAAAGHH JUST GET TO FUCKING NEPTUNE ALREADDYYYY
EXT. NEPTUNE ORBIT
THANK FUCKING GOD. Anyway, BRAD photogenically parks the "SYPHILIS" and takes a SMALLER MODULE to approach TOMMY LEE'S SHIP. But partway there, there is ANOTHER SURGE!!
BRAD PITT
Oh come on, we already did "Surge hits just before landing"! Well once more I manage to pilot through it, yay me.
He reaches the AIRLOCK but due to structural damage he is unable to attach!
BRAD PITT
Damn. I could easily use my suit thrusters to cross the remaining fifteen feet and leave this module suspended nearby, but then again FUCK YOU SMALLER MODULE, FUCK YOU SO GODDAMN HARD
(shoves module away)
SEE HOW DEEP SPACE LIKES YOUR BULLSHIT RETURNING-TO-SAFETY CAPABILITIES YOU STUPID FUCKING SMALLER MODULE
INT. TOMMY LEE JONES'S SPACESHIP
BRAD floats his way through the CORPSES OF TOMMY LEE'S CREW and sets up the NUCLEAR DEVICE right smack next to the EXTREMELY DANGEROUS FAILING ANTI-MATTER CONTAINMENT UNIT, because not like a NUCLEAR EXPLOSION has any kind of RANGE, gotta get RIGHT UP CLOSE.
BRAD PITT
This is it. I'm finally here. I wonder what huge dramatic reveal lies in wait for me...
TOMMY LEE JONES
'Sup.
BRAD PITT
'Sup.
TOMMY LEE JONES
Y'know I was just thinking, I probably shouldn't have killed all those people in my quest to find extra-terrestrial life.
BRAD PITT
Yeah. And I probably shouldn't have gotten all those other people killed just so I could find you myself.
TOMMY LEE JONES
The important thing is that this epic father-son reunion got a lot of people killed.
BRAD PITT
Yep.
TOMMY LEE JONES
I was just so focussed on finding alien life, making the greatest discovery of our age and potentially securing the long-term future of our species, like some fucking dipshit.
BRAD PITT
The thing is, you missed what was RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Plus billions of miles, if we're referring to the alien worlds you got images of, or millions of miles, if we're referring to your family on Earth. But otherwise RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU DAD.
TOMMY LEE JONES
You're right. I'll come with you.
(puts on spacesuit, follows Brad outside)
It's best that we both return.
(tethers self to Brad and begins spacewalk)
Oh wait I forgot something which is FUCK YOUUUUUUU
(pushes full-force away from ship)
BRAD PITT
(pulled along with him)
Arghh, why Dad!! As in, why didn't you unhook yourself first, you asshole!
TOMMY LEE JONES
You gotta let me go, son. It'll take a huge emotional beat to power you back to your ship, this has to happen.
Tearfully, BRAD releases TOMMY to drift into the void, then uses his thrusters to fly back to TOMMY LEE'S SHIP.
BRAD PITT
Right, let's do this!
BRAD hops on a SPINNING BLADE to gather speed, then jumps UPWARDS and uses a STEEL PLATE to BUST THROUGH NEPTUNE'S RINGS, smoothly transitioning into a DOUBLE MCTWIST 1260 followed by a FRONTSIDE BOARDSLIDE off the edge of TRITON enabling him to reach the "SYPHILIS", WOO-HOO!
BRAD PITT
Plus I uploaded Tommy Lee's data to the Oort Cloud, so his work won't be in vain... now to get home! I probably have lots of fuel remaining since there's one-quarter crew weight, but fuck it, let's go full Abrams Star Trek and use the nuclear blast to propel me even MORE home!
This does, of course, WORK, and in due course BRAD lands safely back on good old EARTH. Will the success of his mission outweigh the other consequences of his reckless actions? Do ends justify the means? How will the film address--
INT. COFFEE SHOP
But naturally, we SKIP RIGHT THE FUCK OVER any repercussions or denouement of all the DEAD ASTRONAUTS or HAVING SAVED ALL HUMANITY so we can get right to the crucial shit of BRAD MEETING LIV FOR COFFEE, because what the Universe TRULY revolves around is WHETHER BRAD IS FEELING GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF.
BRAD PITT
I will live. I will love. And I will have a grande pumpkin spice latte, light foam, light whip, thanks.
LIV TYLER
Well that was quite a tale. At the end of which, only a withered senile old coot floated in the way of saving all life on Earth.
(sips tea)
So really, if they'd just sent Natasha Lyonne with a nuke in the first place, all those people would still be alive and Ruth would still have a career. Speaking of which, I assume you used your newfound Earth-Hero status to help her out...
BRAD PITT
(shrugs)
Sure, let's go with that. Scone?
END
