Each week in Dear Prudence Uncensored, Prudie discusses a tricky letter with fellow Slate writer (and her husband!) Joel Anderson, only for Slate Plus members. This week, they dig into “Seeking Sanity.”
Dear Prudence,
In our family business, my husband and I find ourselves entangled with his mother, who plays a pivotal role in its day-to-day operations. While all mostly runs smoothly, there’s a snag that’s been causing me no small amount of distress: her unwavering obsession with extreme conspiracy theories. These ideas seem to guide her decisions and permeate every aspect of her interactions with our customers, leaving me in a rather uncomfortable predicament.
Given her seniority and her age, most people tend to brush off her musings or reluctantly nod along to avoid friction, and avoid her as much as they can. However, I find it increasingly challenging to dance to a tune I don’t resonate with, especially when it tarnishes our customers’ and employees’ experiences. Numerous patrons have approached me, expressing their discontent with her approach, and while I lend them a sympathetic ear, I refrain from throwing her under the proverbial bus. My husband and I are in lockstep on this issue, and he’s already attempted to broach the subject with her many times. Likewise, I’ve had a candid heart-to-heart with her about the feedback received from our clientele.
But here’s where I’m at a loss: how do I draw a line in the sand to protect my own sanity? I have zero interest in conspiracy talk, and though I’ve expressed this to her, she insists on keeping me what she believes to be informed. The constant barrage of such inane conversations is beginning to wear me down. It’s not just affecting our business’s bottom line; it’s taking a toll on my personal well-being, to the point where I find myself on the verge of snapping.
Prudence, could you lend me your wisdom on how to establish some much-needed boundaries in this situation? I’m eager to find a solution that fosters familial harmony while safeguarding the integrity of our business.
—Seeking Sanity
Read Prudie’s original response to this letter.
Jenée Desmond-Harris: I know there are people with bad personalities and weird views in every profession, but I just have a hard time believing this woman is actually a super important part of the business at this point. The big red flag to me is that she’s bothering customers. I don’t care what you believe—not knowing when to shut up about it is a sign of poor judgment, and I bet that poor judgment is showing up in other ways too.
Joel Anderson: I’m actually surprised the family isn’t more unsettled at her mother-in-law driving away clients, which would seem more likely to jeopardize the business and their livelihoods than almost anything else. She is literally impacting their bottom line! So, at a minimum, an immediate intervention seems necessary there. At this point, everyone would understand if she was removed from her position within the company.
Jenée: I agree. I also think it’s not gonna happen! The letter writer seems to have so much respect for her MIL, which is really sweet. I can only imagine her husband and his family members hold her in even higher regard. And I suspect there’s a financial incentive to stay on her good side, too. With that in mind, I did have a controversial idea for another outlet for her. Could they set her up with YouTube, or Reddit or something? Somewhere where she could comment and share insane ideas with other like-minded people?
Joel: Hold up! You want them to assist in her plunging deeper into the abyss here?
Jenée: I know we don’t want her to get any more material but it seems like she’s so far gone already … maybe it would help to have someone else to talk to. Someone who would say “Great insight” so she wouldn’t have to chase that feeling while trying to fulfill orders during busy season.
Joel: Man, you must really think she’s a lost cause. You’re not even trying to convince them to demand she go to therapy! But I guess I’m not so convinced they’ve tried everything, which admittedly could prove to be futile and a waste of time and resources. I guess it depends on how far gone they think her mother-in-law is.
Jenée: I just feel like we wouldn’t be in the situation we are as a country if people were likely to go “Oh you know what? Someone informed me that the wild shit I believe doesn’t make an ounce of sense! I’m grateful for the new facts and will now be a normal human.” Yeah, I’m pretty hopeless about humanity and it is shaping this response.
Joel: Well, if we don’t feel that way about our own families—and there really are some cases that are similar except for the details—it’s hard for me to imagine an entire family sort of throwing their hands up here. If they feel the way we do about our family, I think they should push for an immediate intervention along with your fantastic idea that she put her conspiracy ideas into email form. But if they’re hopeless like you, then yeah, it probably is important to give her mother-in-law an outlet or some people to help her adjust to a life without the business.
Jenée: To be clear we don’t actually have any political conspiracy theorists, but I see what you mean about people who maybe make a little less sense than they previously did. I also skipped an obvious answer, which is just to say in an upbeat way, “Not talking about this, Mary!” whenever she gets started. That’s worth trying.
Joel: I absolutely think it’s acceptable to draw a hard line with the mother-in-law about discussing these things. I also wonder how much her husband has done to make clear that this is unacceptable? I’m sure there’s been an attempt or two but at a certain point, they’re going to have to be serious about enforcing some boundaries. They can’t sacrifice their own mental health in the name of obligatory politeness.
Jenée: You know, I actually think I would enjoy the conversations. I would be fascinated. I think it would appeal to the same part of my brain that likes watching cult documentaries. I really relish knowing all the details about strange things people do and believe. But maybe not during my workday.
Joel: I can’t believe this woman is capable of talking about these conspiracy theories in a consistently entertaining way but LW, congrats on getting Prudie to volunteer to hear your mother-in-law out!
Jenée: Have her send me an email! I’ll read it all!
