Two and a Half Men: 

Back off Mary Poppins

Alan feels hurt when Charlie asks him to stay out of the house while Charlie's buddies come over. Then Alan learns his old friends are all at Judith's house for a get-together.

Enjoy Those Garlic Balls

At Charlie's urging, Alan decides to put his past behind him and returns a ceramic giraffe he vindictively took from Judith during the divorce. However, Judith does not remember the keepsake, and more importantly she has an attentive new boyfriend, Dr. Melnick (RYAN STILES - "The Drew Carey Show," "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"), who is Jake's pediatrician. Alan becomes even more depressed until Charlie reminds him that if Judith remarries, Alan won't have to pay alimony anymore. So, Alan awkwardly tries to encourage the relationship. Meanwhile, Evelyn questions an extremely uncomfortable Charlie as to why he hates her. Soon, Rose and Berta join the interrogation.

A Bag Full of Jawea

Jake thinks he's dreaming late one night when he sees the teacher who tried to get him suspended, Miss Pasternak (MISSI PYLE - "Bringing Down the House"), practically naked in Charlie's kitchen. When Jake refuses to go to school the next day, Charlie agrees to end the relationship with Miss Pasternak. Unfortunately, she gets upset, and Charlie and Jake both suffer.

Go Get Mommy's Bra

Jake adores Judith's rich, new boyfriend because the man has a boat and a pool, and he promises to teach Jake how to snorkel and scuba dive. Feeling inadequate, Alan teaches his 11-year-old son how to drive a car. But when Judith's boyfriend ends the relationship, Jake becomes furious at his mother. Now it's Judith's turn to feel inadequate, and Alan does something he may regret.

Bad News from the Clinic?

Charlie dates a woman, Sherri (JERI RYAN - "Boston Public," "Star Trek: Voyager"), who is a self-centered, manipulative narcissist--a female Charlie. But Charlie doesn't like the way Sherri treats him. Meanwhile, Alan tries to instill some discipline in Jake to improve his son's homework habits.

The Price of Healthy Gums is Eternal Vigilance

When Evelyn tells Jake that Alan shoplifted a toy as a child, Alan denies the charge, as he has ever since the incident took place. He finally admits to Charlie his theory that maybe there is a "Bad Alan"--an evil side of him that stole the toy--which the good side of him works daily to suppress. Charlie feels guilty and admits to planting the toy on him, destroying the brothers' relationship--until Evelyn offers to get involved.

A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana

In order to serve as a good example to Jake, who has been disrespectful lately to his mother, Charlie and Alan begrudgingly agree to give their own mother a party to celebrate her real estate achievements. Berta suggests they hire her sister, Daisy (CAMRYN MANHEIM - "The Practice"), who owns a catering company. But having recently split from her husband, an emotionally unhinged Daisy throws a party that is unforgettable for all the wrong reasons.

Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers

Alan's expectations for a first date with Nancy (KELLEY WEST), a woman he met while shopping for groceries, are far exceeded when she introduces him to a world of sex he never knew existed. Charlie is happy that his brother is getting to experience the kind of sex life he's always enjoyed, but he's not thrilled to take responsibility for Jake while Alan has his every fantasy fulfilled. When Alan starts thinking he loves this woman, Charlie realizes he must take action.

Yes, Monsignor

Charlie encounters Lisa (recurring guest star DENISE RICHARDS, series star CHARLIE SHEEN's real-life wife), the woman he thought was "the one" until she informed him of her engagement to another man. He's thrilled to learn that her marriage did not work out, even though there's now a new wrinkle in their potential relationship--a baby (played by Sheen and Richards' daughter, SAM, in her first screen appearance).

The Salmon Under My Sweater

Charlie writes the theme song for a new cartoon based on one of Jake's favorite comics, but Jake hates the song. Realizing that Jake knows the comic better than he does, Charlie enlists his nephew's help. Meanwhile, Rose invites Alan to a movie and surprises him with her intellect.

Last Chance to See Those Tattoos

Charlie is surprised when a woman, Gail (JODI LYN O'KEEFE - "Nash Bridges"), with whom he flirts in a bar, rejects his overtures and tells him that women around town have been comparing notes on his philandering. Later, Jake mentions that he did an Internet search on Charlie's name and found something interesting. When Charlie logs on, he finds out that he's the subject of a very uncomplimentary new website called www.charlieharpersucks.com. Outstanding Episode.

A Lungful of Alan

Jamie (PAGET BREWSTER - "Huff," "Friends"), Alan's close high school friend, visits Alan at the house. Charlie used to make fun of Jamie when they were teenagers, but when the two brothers see how attractive she is now, they both vie for her affections. However, Jamie has a plan of her own.

Zejdz zmoich wlosow (Get off my hair)

When an earthquake causes plumbing damage in Judith's home, Alan allows her to move into the beach house temporarily--much to Charlie's displeasure. After a few days, Charlie and Jake can no longer bear Judith's presence, and though he pretends otherwise, Alan is jealous when Judith goes on a date with another man. He gets so upset that he goes to stay at Judith's house until Charlie arranges a date for Alan with a very beautiful and very young woman. Seeing Alan with this sexy girl, Judith quickly packs her belongings and returns to her own home. But unfortunately for Charlie, he's going to have to keep paying the young lady big money because Alan really likes her.

Those Big Pink Things with Coconut

After Evelyn undermines Jake's confidence by belittling his hard-earned high grade on a test, Alan decides to cut her out of their lives. When Charlie and Alan receive news that Evelyn is in the hospital, they realize it's a ploy for her to get back into their lives. They decide to play along, pretending to schedule her for heart surgery, but they don't realize that Evelyn is still one step ahead of them.

Smell the Umbrella Stand

On a boring, rainy weekend, Charlie convinces Alan to ride with Jake and him to Las Vegas. Apprehensive about his upcoming colonoscopy, Alan agrees that the diversion will be good for him. After Alan packs numerous suitcases, and the guys are ready to leave, Jake becomes physically ill. Judith visits the house and then forbids Alan to take Jake anywhere without her permission. Alan and Charlie want to defy Judith, but when Jake becomes ill again, the two brothers realize they must be responsible adults and stay home.

Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?

Judith takes a vacation and leaves Jake with Alan. But then Alan finds out he's being audited by the Internal Revenue Service. Burdened with this last-minute misfortune, he's forced to leave Jake in Charlie's irresponsible hands and hopes that his brother can get Jake to school.

Woo-hoo, a Hernia Exam!

While in a precarious position with a woman, Charlie injures his back and won't let Alan--a chiropractor--help him. After Alan drives Charlie to the doctor's office, Charlie is surprised to learn that his physician died four years ago, and a beautiful female, Dr. Michelle Talmadge (ALICIA COPPOLA - "Bull"), has replaced him. Meanwhile, Berta teaches Jake a lesson.

It Was 'Mame,' Mom

Charlie masquerades as a homosexual so that Eric (DAVID STARZYK), the gay owner of an advertising agency, will continue to give Charlie more jingles to write. Charlie convinces Alan to pretend to be his gay partner and attend a party hosted by Eric. At the party, Charlie is immediately attracted to Pamela (LUCY LAWLESS - "Xena: Warrior Princess")--who is convinced Charlie is gay even after he confesses the truth. But the pressure of trying to prove his heterosexuality to Pamela proves too much for Charlie to overcome. Outstanding Episode.

A Low Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise

While at a coffee shop, Alan and Charlie encounter Sherri (recurring guest star JERI RYAN - "Boston Public"), a woman who once dated Charlie just so she could have sex with him. Alan is enchanted with her beauty, so Charlie encourages Alan to ignore his memories of teenage rejection and ask her on a date. Alan's befuddled approach is surprisingly successful because Sherri no longer wants shallow, purely sexual relationships and is hoping to experience a deeper, more caring connection. Unfortunately, during his date with Sherri, Alan can't seem to get thoughts of Charlie with Sherri off his mind. Outstanding Episode.

I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey

Evelyn harasses Charlie for not calling her, and Judith bills Alan for an expensive pair of tennis shoes she bought Jake. Unable to express the anger they have towards the women in their lives, Charlie and Alan lash out at each other. Rose--with her questionable background in behavioral psychology--tries to help the two brothers sort out their feelings.

A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

While scanning the obituaries for potential property listings, Evelyn discovers that her second husband, Harry, has died. Although pleased that Alan agrees to attend the funeral with her, she's furious to hear that he had stayed in contact with Harry over the years. Evelyn then reveals to her sons that she didn't actually leave Harry, but that he left her--for a younger woman. Charlie and Jake also attend the funeral. And Evelyn learns a surprising new detail about her ex-husband.

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

After Evelyn gives Alan a loan so he can purchase a new Porsche, Charlie informs his brother that Alan has sold his soul to the devil. Evelyn proves Charlie is right when she coerces Alan to go on a double date with Trudy (CHLOE WEBB - "China Beach," "Sid and Nancy")--whose father Evelyn wants as a boyfriend. But Evelyn and Trudy's dad never show up at the restaurant, leaving Alan alone with Trudy. And Alan learns things about his date that he'd rather not know.

Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab

When Evelyn learns that Jake spent his entire spring vacation with his other grandparents, she pressures Alan into letting Jake stay with her for a night. Concerned that Evelyn will destroy Jake's life the way she destroyed theirs, Alan and Charlie grudgingly take a resentful Jake to Evelyn's home and quickly flee to Charlie's favorite bar. There, amid a bevy of sexy female volleyball players, Alan easily forgets about his son's miserable circumstance. Outstanding Episode.

Does This Smell Funny to You?

Charlie has sex with a gorgeous young woman, Natalie (KAREN TRELLA), without realizing she's married to an elderly man, Norman (ORSON BEAN - "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman"). At school, Jake is required to give a report to his fifth-grade class about his weekend. He recalls that he was eating breakfast when an old man came to the house looking for his wife. From there, Jake's perspective of the weekend's events departs from what really happened at the Harper home.

Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts

After Alan falls off the roof trying to fix the satellite dish, Charlie volunteers to take care of Jake for the weekend.

Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover

When Jake's school principal demands to meet immediately with Alan concerning a picture Jake drew of a large-breasted schoolmate, Alan leaves a phone message asking Charlie to help, but Charlie doesn't respond. After Alan accuses him of "not being there for him," Charlie agrees to answer phones at Alan's chiropractic office, where Charlie proceeds to hire a "masseuse" to help out with the practice. Meanwhile, before the principal determines Jake's fate, she makes Alan meet the classmate's mother--whom Alan tries hard not to offend.

Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

Charlie is dismayed to learn that Alan's recent dating spree has been with Alan's ex-wife, Judith. Charlie fears he will rarely get to see Jake if Alan and Judith reconcile. So Charlie does everything in his power--including trying to distract Alan with beautiful women (Former Playboy Playmates SANDY and MANDY BENTLEY)--to keep the two apart. As it turns out, Charlie underestimates his brother's ability to screw things up on his own. Outstanding Episode.

Your Dismissive Attitude Towards Boobs

Alan infuriates Charlie when he gives Berta permission to move into the beach house for a couple of days. Charlie reprimands Alan and informs him that he's just a houseguest and doesn't have the right to allow Berta to stay with them. Hurt by Charlie's reaction, Alan decides that he and Jake need to move into their own place. But after he returns from apartment hunting with their mother, Alan begs Charlie to let him and Jake remain. Neither man realizes that Berta goaded the brothers into the argument so she could permanently move in with Charlie.

We Called It Mr. Pinky

After a woman Charlie has been having sex with professes her love for him, he responds inappropriately and suffers from impotence. Later, Rose explains that Charlie's inability to have a long-lasting relationship is due to unresolved issues with his mother. Meanwhile, much to Alan's chagrin, Jake approaches Charlie for relationship advice regarding a girl at school who likes him.

Hi, Mr. Horned One

Charlie is thrilled that he's dating Isabella (JODI LYN O'KEEFE - "Nash Bridges"), a wild, sexually uninhibited woman--until Alan points out that she's a spooky Satan worshiper. Charlie is unfazed by Alan's warnings until Isabella threatens to put a curse on his manhood. Outstanding Episode.

Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop

Charlie finds himself in a compromising position after getting drunk and spending the evening with his stalker, Rose, celebrating her birthday. He ends up being confronted by her father, Harvey (Golden Globe and Emmy Award winner MARTIN SHEEN - "The West Wing"), who demands to know Charlie's intentions towards Rose. Outstanding Episode.

That Voodoo That I Do

After Charlie's romantic overtures towards Mia (recurring guest star EMMANUELLE VAUGIER - "Smallville," "One Tree Hill," "Saw II"), an attractive ballet teacher, are rejected, Charlie tries to prove to Alan that he can persuade Mia to go on a date with him. Charlie cons Jake into taking her ballet class so Charlie can get close to her, but his plan is derailed when Jake becomes infatuated with her.

Madame and her Special Friend

A wealthy, elderly woman named Norma (Academy Award and multiple Emmy Award winner CLORIS LEACHMAN - "Malcolm in the Middle," "Spanglish") is romantically interested in Alan.

Something Salty and Twisted

Alan organizes a family dinner to celebrate the publication of a newspaper article that describes him as a "good doctor, good neighbor and a good guy," but he's crushed when his mother, Evelyn, isn't impressed. After getting drunk, Alan experiences a life-changing epiphany and vows to a skeptical Charlie that he is no longer going to grovel for validation from his mother and the other women in his life.

Santa's Village of the Damned

When Alan dates a cooking instructor, Sandy (JOSIE DAVIS - ""Beverly Hills 90210""), both he and Charlie gain weight. But even as it becomes clear that Sandy is mentally unstable, Charlie refuses to allow Alan to break up with her, fearing the loss of her fabulous meals. Meanwhile, as usual, the brothers agonize over whether or not to visit their mother for Christmas. Christmas Episode Outstanding Episode.

That Special Tug

Charlie and Alan take Jake to a friend's house and go out for some sibling bonding at the movies, but their night is ruined when Alan freaks out after convincing himself that Jake was too eager to spend the weekend away from him. Recognizing that desperate times call for desperate measures, Charlie begins seeing a psychiatrist, Dr. Linda Freeman (JANE LYNCH -- "The 40-Year-Old Virgin"), ostensibly to learn how to cope with his brother's ever-increasing emotional instability. Outstanding Episode.

Humiliation is a Visual Medium

No one believes Charlie when he says that his relationship with Mia (recurring guest star EMMANUELLE VAUGIER) is getting serious, and everyone really thinks he's lying when he confesses that he and Mia have been dating for more than a month and haven't consummated the relationship. After a continuing series of chaste dates--walking on the beach, visiting an art gallery, going bowling--that end with Charlie frustrated at Mia's doorstep, he makes a proposal that threatens their burgeoning romance.

Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded

After a month and a half of abstinence, Charlie is quite eager to consummate his relationship with Mia (recurring guest star EMMANUELLE VAUGIER). Unfortunately, there are still a few roadblocks, including Charlie's oversexed ex-girlfriend, Kandi (recurring guest star APRIL BOWLBY), and Mia's parents. When the big day finally comes, Charlie worries that he may not be at the top of his game. Meanwhile, Alan discovers the joys of dating Kandi, although intellectually she may have more in common with Jake.

My Tongue is Meat

Charlie's lifestyle causes tension with Mia (recurring guest star EMMANUELLE VAUGIER). Charlie can't keep pace with the healthy routine that Mia has introduced into their relationship, so he sneaks cigars and beers in the garage and enlists Rose to deliver burgers to him on the sly. When Mia catches him lying, Charlie has to figure out if he is truly in love with her.

Ergo, The Booty Call

Concerned that he is dating a woman half his age--and mortified to introduce her to Evelyn--Alan tries to avoid bringing his sexy 22-year-old girlfriend, Kandi (recurring guest star APRIL BOWLBY), to Jake's birthday party. Meanwhile, Rose continues her passive-aggressive pursuit of Charlie.

The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer

When he is nominated for an advertising award, Charlie boycotts the banquet, having lost several years in a row to his cocky competitor, Archie (JON LOVITZ - "Saturday Night Live," "Happiness"). After devising a ploy to get him to attend, Alan, Evelyn and Jake accompany Charlie for support--but then they get to know Archie. Meanwhile, Rose talks Charlie into giving relationship advice to her new beau.

The Spit-Covered Cobbler

Alan gets into financial trouble because he keeps paying the expenses of his young girlfriend, Kandi (recurring guest star APRIL BOWLBY). When Kandi's old car breaks down, Alan leases a new one for her. Charlie warns him to break up with her, but Alan spends his last dime on Kandi's root canal and can't pay alimony to Judith, forcing Charlie to cover for him. Outstanding Episode.

Golly Moses, She's A Muffin

Kandi (recurring guest star APRIL BOWLBY) moves in with Alan and Charlie, causing tension in the house. Charlie's not happy to learn of the new arrangement, considering he himself has been having a dry spell with women. Things begin to look up for Charlie, however, when Judith befriends Kandi, and a special visitor comes knocking on his door. Recurring guest star Gail O'Grady ("Hot Properties," "American Dreams," "NYPD Blue") appears as Kandi's mother, Mandi.

Always a Bridesmaid Never A Burro

Charlie is now dating Kandi's (recurring guest star APRIL BOWLBY) mother, Mandi (recurring guest star GAIL O'GRADY). Meanwhile, Alan is depressed because Kandi has left him and is staying with bitter Judith, who brainwashed her against him. At Mandi's urging, Alan goes to Judith's place to try to win Kandi back. Also, Kandi introduces Judith to Kandi's father, Andy (KEVIN SORBO - "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys," "Andromeda").

And the Plot Moistens

Jake's teacher, Francine (JULIA CAMPBELL), calls Alan and Judith into her classroom to discuss Jake's lack of interest in school. Desperate to communicate with someone intelligent while continuing to see his airhead girlfriend, Kandi (recurring guest star APRIL BOWLBY), Alan falls for Francine--in a platonic way. Meanwhile, after Alan and Judith force Jake to try out for the school musical, Charlie helps him prepare.

Just Once with Aunt Sophie

When a cute girl from Jake's school invites Jake to a party, Charlie butts in on Alan's milestone moment with his son by offering his own words of wisdom on women. While Alan feels somewhat jealous that Charlie is taking over, he realizes he also feels envious that his son is receiving some solid advice on scoring with women that he wishes his brother had taught him.

Arguments for the Quickie

When Charlie finds out that his ex-girlfriend, Mia (recurring guest star EMMANUELLE VAUGIER), is in town with her dance troupe and wants him to come to her performance, he opts not to go and tries to behave as if he were no longer attracted to her. After surprising Alan--and himself--by showing up at the dance performance, Charlie gets another surprise when Mia explains that she wants something personal from him: his sperm. Shockingly, commitment-phobic Charlie responds by asking Mia for something as well.

That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite

With Charlie and Mia (recurring guest star EMMANUELLE VAUGIER) arranging their wedding, their families meet, and things immediately begin to fall apart. Rose takes Charlie's engagement news hard and makes some interesting plans of her own. There is also the question of where Alan and Jake will live after Charlie and Mia get married. Ultimately, Charlie and his bride-to-be end up deciding on a small ceremony in Vegas--but the surprises don't end there.

Working for Caligula

Charlie deals with the aftermath of his canceled wedding.

Who Is This Vod Kanockers?

Alan feels guilty when Charlie finally tells him why he broke up with Mia. The truth is that Charlie and Mia didn't get married because she had wanted Alan and Jake to move out. Meanwhile, problems arise when Charlie and his famous rock star neighbor, STEVEN TYLER (himself) of Aerosmith, don't get along.Outstanding Episode

The Sea is a Harsh Mistress

Charlie attempts to surf in order to impress a beautiful girl--with disastrous results. Later, after nearly drowning, he tells Alan that when Charlie's life was hanging in the balance, the guys' deceased father appeared to him and made a request that Charlie is reluctant to fulfill.

A Pot-Smokin' Monkey

Alan and Kandi become embroiled in an unconventional custody battle. Alan is determined to retain custody of his and Kandi's dog after Kandi walks away from their split with both the condominium and the car. Having also lost everything to Judith following their divorce, Alan decides to hire the best lawyer he knows--Judith's.

A Live Woman of Proven Fertility

Alan is overjoyed that he'll no longer owe Judith alimony when she marries her new fiancé, Herb (recurring guest star RYAN STILES - "The Drew Carey Show"). However, when Judith and Herb's marriage plans are threatened due to Jake's disdain for his soon-to-be stepfather, Alan enlists Charlie's help, and the guys bond with Herb in an effort to improve his relationship with Jake.

Apologies for the Frivolity

Although Charlie doesn't get along with his sharp-tongued, passive-aggressive mother, he is strangely attracted to Lydia (recurring guest star KATHERINE LaNASA - "Justice"), a blonde high-end real estate agent--which is exactly what his mother is. Unfortunately, the similarities don't end there, and the relationship soon begins to seem a little too familiar for comfort.

Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head

When Berta swears vengeance on the married man who got her daughter, Naomi (recurring guest star SARA RUE), pregnant, she forces Charlie to come with her. Meanwhile, Naomi helps Berta with the housework. And Alan reveals an unusual fetish.

Release the Dogs

Unable to sleep, Alan takes Charlie's suggestion and goes for a jog on the beach. After his run takes a disastrous turn, Alan turns to a psychiatrist in the hope that discovering the source of his insomnia will help alleviate it. Meanwhile, Jake pleads with Charlie not to date the hot mother of a classmate whom Jake likes.

Corey's Been Dead for an Hour

During a double date, Charlie becomes annoyed with Alan for constantly borrowing money and promising to pay the tab "next time." When Alan leaves Charlie with the check after dinner, Charlie tries to beat him at his own game. Meanwhile, while the men are out, Jake gets to see what it's like to be home alone.

Kissing Abe Lincoln

Charlie must choose between his girlfriend Lydia (recurring guest star KATHERINE LaNASA) and Berta as they fight for his allegiance, each thinking the other has crossed the line. Meanwhile, Alan wants to sell an overpriced condominium that he and Kandi bought when they were married, but Kandi uses her assets to distract him.

Walnuts and Demerol

As Charlie prepares for a steamy Christmas Eve alone with his date, his friends and family keep dropping in--and staying--until Charlie finds himself hosting an unplanned, unwanted holiday party. Upon discovering whom Charlie's new girlfriend is, Evelyn inexplicably becomes desperate to break them up before they go too far in their relationship. SUSAN SULLIVAN ("Dharma & Greg") guest stars as Dorothy, the mother of Charlie's date. Recurring guest star RYAN STILES appears as Judith's fiancé, Herb.Christmas Episode

Castrating Sheep in Montana

When Berta discovers that Alan has been secretly dating her daughter, Naomi (recurring guest star SARA RUE), Alan expects trouble. But Berta's reaction is surprising--and much worse--than Alan could have imagined.

Don't Worry Speed Racer

Jake tells Charlie and Alan that he often overhears Judith and her fiancé, Herb (recurring guest star RYAN STILES), having sex, and he formulates a theory as to why his mom constantly gives Herb directions in bed. Meanwhile, Rose (recurring guest star MELANIE LYNSKEY) helps Charlie work through a disturbing repressed memory, triggered by Jake's revelation.

That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami

After getting to know Danielle (BROOKE SHIELDS - "Nip/Tuck," "Suddenly Susan"), the guys' hot new neighbor, Charlie discovers that she shares some common interests with Alan and proceeds--with ulterior motives--to set them up. But when things begin to heat up between Alan and Danielle, Charlie becomes jealous and attempts to sabotage the relationship.

My Damn Stalker

When Rose announces that she is moving to London permanently, Charlie doesn't listen at first. But he eventually realizes that he must face his true feelings for her. Meanwhile, Alan tries online dating--with unforeseen results. After exaggerating while writing his profile on an internet dating service, Alan attracts a fellow profile embellisher, Beverly (ALLISON JANNEY - "The West Wing").

Young People Have Phlegm Too

A sexy young girl whom Charlie has been dating cajoles him into going to a hot new club and bringing Alan along to meet her friend. But when they arrive, Charlie and Alan are mortified to learn that the partygoers consider them old. MORGAN FAIRCHILD ("Falcon Crest") guest stars as Donna, a more mature woman who helps rebuild Charlie's ego.

I Merely Slept With A Commie

After Alan and Charlie tell Evelyn that none of her acquaintances will mourn her when she dies, she bitterly ignores them for a few weeks. The guys then discover that, instead of trying to be more pleasant to the people she knows, Evelyn has brought together a whole new group of "friends," including two men and a cute boy who seem suspiciously like adoring versions of Charlie, Alan and Jake. Meanwhile, Jake develops an interesting new way of speaking.

It Never Rains in Hooterville

When Jake starts covering his walls with posters of sexy women, Alan realizes that his son is almost grown up. He makes a last-minute attempt at father-son bonding, wanting to make the most of what little childhood Jake has left. Meanwhile, Kandi embarks on a new career as an actress.

Smooth as a Ken Doll

As Judith and Herb's (recurring guest star RYAN STILES) wedding nears, Charlie gets close to Herb's witty sister, Myra (recurring guest star JUDY GREER - "Arrested Development"). But Charlie's flirtation does not please Judith, who orders Alan to make Charlie stop pursuing Myra.

Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot

While Alan prepares Jake for Judith's wedding, Charlie continues his fling with Herb's (recurring guest star RYAN STILES) sister, Myra (recurring guest star JUDY GREER). Besides Judith's disapproval of the relationship, Charlie gets a surprise from Myra after admitting that he truly likes her.

Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous

When Greg (MATT ROTH), a single father from Alan's support group who has been spending a lot of time with Alan, reveals that he is gay, Charlie suspects that Greg is attracted to Alan. Alan initially refuses to believe that his friendship with Greg is anything romantic, but he soon questions his own sexuality--as does Charlie. Meanwhile, Jake is too clueless to realize that Greg's young daughter is flirting with him.

Mr. McGlue's Feedbag

Jake experiences a windfall when Charlie takes him to the racetrack. Meanwhile, Alan is stuck in a hellish Department of Motor Vehicles office. Series star JON CRYER made his directorial debut with the episode. JOEL MURRAY ("Dharma & Greg") guest stars as Petey.

Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'

Charlie loses a woman he is dating to a young, handsome handyman, Fernando (Grammy Award-winning recording artist ENRIQUE IGLESIAS), who is working on Charlie's house. Meanwhile, to Alan's consternation--and no one's surprise--Jake finds out that he must attend summer school because of his poor grades.

Prostitutes and Gelato

Charlie and Alan must confront their "daddy issues" when Evelyn's new boyfriend, Teddy (ROBERT WAGNER - "Hart to Hart"), invites them to Las Vegas on his private jet. MIKE CONNORS ("Mannix") guest stars as Hugo.

Large Birds, Spiders and Mom

Charlie & Alan try to prepare Jake for junior high.

Media Room Slash Dungeon

Charlie reacts oddly after an evening with his mother. And Alan's date, Sharon (JANEANE GAROFALO - "The Larry Sanders Show," "The West Wing"), reacts oddly after having sex with Alan.

Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo

Tired of dating vapid young women, Charlie allows Alan to introduce him to a sophisticated, intelligent municipal court judge, Linda (recurring guest star MING WEN - "ER," "The Joy Luck Club"). Unfortunately, intimidated Charlie behaves so badly at dinner that Linda refuses to see him again -- until he ends up in her court. Meanwhile, Jake won't stop talking on his cell phone.

City of Great Racks

In the landmark 100th episode, Charlie gets closer to consummating his relationship with Linda (recurring guest star MING WEN), but he keeps seeing Rose's (former series star MELANIE LYNSKEY) face everywhere he turns. Recurring guest star JANE LYNCH appears as Dr. Freeman.

Putting Swim Fins on a Cat

Charlie has to find creative ways to entertain the 4-year-old son of his girlfriend, Linda (recurring guest star MING WEN). Meanwhile, Alan becomes a human "guinea pig."

Help Daddy Find His Toenail

Charlie's girlfriend, Linda (recurring guest star MING WEN), is embarrassed to be seen in public with him. Meanwhile, despite Alan forbidding it, Jake sneaks out to a concert.

Our Leather Gear Is In The Guest Room

Charlie and Alan argue over Alan's place in the house, prompting Alan and Jake to move in with Evelyn. Recurring guest star ROBERT WAGNER appears as Teddy, Evelyn's boyfriend.

Is There a Mrs. Waffles?

Charlie finds success as a children's singing star, making Alan miserable. Guest star RICHARD KIND ("Spin City") appears as Artie, an executive at Charlie's record label.

Tight's Good

After Evelyn and Teddy (recurring guest star ROBERT WAGNER - "Hart to Hart," "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me") become engaged, Charlie struggles to fight his attraction to Teddy's daughter, Courtney (guest star JENNY McCARTHY - "Scary Movie 3," "Dirty Love"), Charlie's soon-to-be stepsister.

Kinda Like Necrophilia

While trying to help Jake get over a breakup, Alan discovers that it was Charlie who stole his high school girlfriend. Alan seeks revenge on Charlie by following the same advice Charlie dispenses to Jake.

Meander to Your Dander

Seeing Alan not fully passionate about his relationship, Charlie coaches Alan in the fine art of breaking up with a woman.

A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh

Rose (recurring guest star MELANIE LYNSKEY), Charlie's lovable stalker, is back from England and takes strange care of a very sick Charlie.

The Soil is Moist

Alan dates one of his ex-wife's friends who reveals a secret about Judith's sex life. Recurring guest star RYAN STILES ("The Drew Carey Show") appears as Judith's second husband, Herb.

Winky-Dink Time

Charlie goes with Jake on a double date and sets Alan up with a prostitute. Recurring guest star MELANIE LYNSKEY appears as Rose.

Rough Night in Hump Junction

Alan worries that Charlie's womanizing is out of control. Recurring guest star JANE LYNCH ("The L Word") appears as Charlie's therapist, Dr. Freeman, and recurring guest star EMMANUELLE VAUGIER ("Saw II," "Saw IV") appears as Charlie's former fiancée, Mia.

Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty

Alan enthusiastically plans Evelyn's wedding to her rich fiancé, Teddy (recurring guest star ROBERT WAGNER), and Charlie tirelessly pursues his future stepsister and Teddy's devious daughter, Courtney (recurring guest star JENNY McCARTHY). Rose (recurring guest star MELANIE LYNSKEY) even gives Charlie some advice about stalking.

Fish in a Drawer

A CSI team investigates a mysterious death that occurred at Charlie's house during Evelyn and Teddy's (recurring guest star ROBERT WAGNER) wedding reception. Recurring guest star JENNY McCARTHY appears as Courtney, Teddy's devious daughter. GEORGE EADS ("CSI: Crime Scene Investigation") makes a cameo appearance at the reception.This episode was written by writers from the hit drama "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" as part of a crossover with the writers of TWO AND A HALF MEN.

If My Hole Could Talk

Charlie finds himself attracted to Angie (recurring guest star SUSAN BLAKELY - "Rich Man, Poor Man"), an older woman who writes self-help books. Meanwhile, Alan and Jake battle over a school assignment.

Waiting for the Right Snapper

Charlie tries to resist temptation when he meets the grown daughter of Angie (recurring guest star SUSAN BLAKELY), the woman he's dating, and realizes they have met before. Recurring guest star JANE LYNCH returns as Charlie's therapist, Dr. Freeman.

Taterhead is Our Love Child

In the sixth season premiere, Charlie encounters an ex-girlfriend (RENA SOFER “24”) whose son looks an awful lot like him. MARTIN MULL ("Roseanne") guest stars as Charlie's pharmacist.

Pie hole, Herb

Alan (series star JON CRYER) lends Charlie money and crosses a line in his attempts to get it back.

Damn you, Eggs Benedict

Charlie tries cooking, Alan tries dating two women at the same time and Jake (series star ANGUS T. JONES) tries beer.

The flavin' and the mavin'

Charlie romances Alans sweet receptionist (guest star KELLY STABLES) as Alan anxiously awaits disaster.

A Jock Strap in Hell

The guys bump into Jake's former teacher, Miss Paternak who became a stripper after a fling with Charlie. Charlie tries to help her out by giving her a room and a job, but things spiral out of control.

It's Always Nazi Week

When Judith (series star MARIN HINKLE) kicks Herb (recurring star RYAN STILES) to the curb, Alan comes knocking.

Best H.O. Money Can Buy

Alan tries to escape Judith's grasp as Charlie and Herb go on the prowl.

Pinocchio's Mouth

Charlies new girlfriend, Chelsea (guest star JENNIFER TAYLOR) asks him to spend the night at her place, while Alan tries to enforce a punishment on Jake.

The Mooch at the Boo

Jake disappears with the daughter of Charlie's neighbor, a former NFL player, and Charlie is left to cover his back. Meanwhile, Alan scores a hot date with the help of Charlie's Mercedes.

He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited

Evelyn offers to pay for Jake's college education, leaving Alan to wonder if he ever needs to work again.

The Devil's Lube

One of Charlies old partners in crime dies, leaving Charlie to reevaluate his own reckless lifestyle. Along with Oscar® nominee guest star JAMES EARL JONES as himself.

Thank God for Scoliosis

Charlie and Jake fight for the affections of a waitress, while Alan fights sexual tension with his receptionist. Multiple Emmy® Award winner CAROL KANE guest stars as Melissas mother.

I Think You Offended Don

Judith is pregnant with a baby girl and Alan is convinced that he is the father. Meanwhile, Jake is in a contentious mood and Charlie thinks he knows why.

David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie

Convinced that Alans family doesnt fully appreciate him, Melissa (guest star KELLY STABLES) invites Alan to live with her and her mom (guest star CAROL KANE).

I'd Like to Start with the Cat

Charlie finds himself in couples counseling.

She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime

Charlie has to remove a half-naked woman (guest star DIORA BAIRD) from his bedroom before Chelsea (guest star JENNIFER TAYLOR) arrives.

The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?

Charlie tells Chelsea (guest star JENNIFER TAYLOR) that he loves her, but doesn’t get the response he expects.

My Son's Enormous Head

When Chelsea gets sick and Charlie has to take care of her, he must also fight the overwhelming urge to flee.

The Two Finger Rule

Charlie joins Alan, Herb and his neighbor (MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN) in a night of alcohol-fueled sexual reminiscences after Chelsea finds nude pictures of another woman on his phone.

Hello, I am Alan Cousteau

Evelyn finally meets Chelsea and Charlie - then tries to prevent them from becoming friends.

Above Exalted Cyclops

Chelsea sets Alan up on a blind date with her new friend… Rose (guest star MELANIE LYNSKEY)!

Sir Lancelot's Litter Box

After Charlie reluctantly agrees to let Chelsea move in and he mourns the loss of his bachelor pad, Alan finds that there's not much space left for him in the house. Series star Jon Cryer directs.

Good Morning Mrs. Butterworth

When Alan and Chelsea become best friends, Charlie decides to take advantage of the situation.

Baseball Was Better With Steroids

Charlie questions his relationship with Chelsea when he hears that Mia is back in town.  Meanwhile, Judith goes into labor and Charlie, Alan and Herb rush her to the hospital.

818-jklpuzo

On the seventh season premiere, Charlie (series star CHARLIE SHEEN) must decide between his fiancée, Chelsea (JENNIFER TAYLOR), and his old flame, Mia (EMMANUELLE VAUGIER).

Whipped Unto the Third Generation

When Charlie’s fiancée, Chelsea, convinces him to let Melissa (recurring guest star KELLY STABLES), Alan’s girlfriend, move in, the girls take over the house.

Mmm, Fish. Yum.

Alan (JON CRYER) plays nursemaid to Judith’s baby and her tipsy mother, Lenore (ANNIE POTTS). Meanwhile, Jake (ANGUS T. JONES) blackmails Charlie with an incriminating photo.

Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator

Alan takes a job working for Evelyn (series star HOLLAND TAYLOR), and Charlie is forced to mend Chelsea and Jake's rocky relationship.

For the Sake of the Child

Jake refuses to stay with Charlie and Alan after they embarrass him in public.

Give me your thumb

Alan recommends that Chelsea get breast reduction surgery and Charlie kicks him out.

Untainted by Filth

Charlie and Alan wake up together in bed with a strange woman.

Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.

Chelsea invites her beautiful college roommate (guest star TRICIA HELFER – Battlestar Galactica) to stay at the house while she gets over a bad breakup.

Captain Terry's spray-on hair

Charlie is crushed when he discovers he hasn't been satisfying Chelsea and Alan attempts to cure his thinning hair on the cheap.

That's Why They Call it 'Ball Room'

Charlie discovers that Chelsea hasn't been completely honest about her finances.

Warning, it's Dirty

Charlie coaches Jake on the art of infidelity while his girlfriend is away for Christmas. CARL REINER guest stars as a famous TV producer whom Evelyn invites for Christmas dinner.

Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste

Jake writes love songs to woo his ex-girlfriend, and Herb and Alan hide their secret friendship from Judith's watchful eye.

Yay, No Polyps!

Charlie endures a colonoscopy to get out of a trip to see Chelsea's bigoted parents (guest stars STACY KEACH and MEAGEN FAY), only to return home and find them in his living room.

Crude and uncalled for

Alan ends up in jail after a bar fight, and Charlie worries that Chelsea might be interested in the lawyer who takes the case (STEVEN ECKHOLDT).

Aye, aye, Captain Douche

Charlie's jealousy threatens his relationship with Chelsea.

Tinkle Like a Princess

Charlie runs off to Vegas and returns with a new wife…but she’s not Chelsea! STACY KEACH returns as Chelsea’s father and JOHN AMOS guest stars as his boyfriend.

I Found Your Moustache

Charlie and Chelsea have a post-breakup one-night stand. STACY KEACH returns as Chelsea’s father and JOHN AMOS guest stars as his boyfriend.

Ixnay on the Oggie Day

Charlie has a return engagement with Chelsea's best friend (TRICIA HELFER), while Alan has an unexpected effect on a new female patient (FRANCES FISHER).

Keith Moon is Vomiting in His Grave

Jake's new friend, Eldridge (guest star GRAHAM PATRICK MARTIN), is a bad influence but Alan really likes his hot mom, Lyndsay (guest star COURTNEY THORNE-SMITH).

I Called Him Magoo

Alan tries for an intimate night at a hotel with his new girlfriend (COURTNEY THORNE-SMITH), while Charlie takes a different approach to obtain the "girlfriend experience."

Gumby With a Pokey

Alan and Jake go on a road trip while Charlie is visited by the ghosts of his girlfriends past -- and ZZ Top!

This is Not Gonna End Well

After Charlie’s license is suspended, Jake becomes his driver. And much to Charlie’s chagrin, Alan makes plans to attend Chelsea’s birthday party on the seventh season finale.

Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud

On the eighth season premiere, Jake (series star ANGUS T. JONES) finds out that Alan (series star JON CRYER) has been dating Eldridge's mom (recurring guest star COURTNEY THORNE-SMITH), so he packs up and heads to Judith (series star MARIN HINKLE) and Herb's (recurring guest star RYAN STILES). Meanwhile, Charlie (series star CHARLIE SHEEN) decides it's time to cut back on boozing.

A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer

When Lindsey asks Alan to move in with her, Charlie will do anything to get Alan to say "yes!"

A Pudding-Filled Cactus

Alan moves in with Lyndsey but continues to have a rendezvous with Melissa at Charlie's house.

Hookers, Hookers, Hookers

Lyndsey and Eldridge move into Charlie's house after Alan burns down their home. JUDD NELSON (Suddenly Susan, St. Elmo’s Fire) guest stars as Lyndsey’s ex-husband.

The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel

Alan goes out on the town pretending to be Charlie while Charlie sneaks off for some cosmetic surgery.

Twanging Your Magic Clanger

Charlie has trouble adjusting to dating a slightly older woman (guest star LIZ VASSEY – CSI: Crime Scene Investigation).

The Crazy Bitch Gazette

Charlie's past comes back to bite him when his girlfriend (Liz Vassey) decides that his longtime stalker, Rose (guest star MELANIE LYNSKEY), is just too much to handle.

Springtime on a Stick

Charlie and Alan try to set up their mother with Russell, the pharmacist (returning guest star MARTIN MULL).

A Good Time in Central Africa

When Berta takes a couple of days off, Charlie falls for her replacement (guest star TONITA CASTRO). Meanwhile, Alan believes he's being stalked by Lyndsey's ex-husband. Courtney Thorne-Smith returns as Alan’s former girlfriend, Lyndsey and Judd Nelson returns as her ex-husband.

Ow, Ow, Don't Stop

Charlie goes on a spending spree for his old fling, Courtney (guest star JENNY McCARTHY), who shows up after three years in prison for conning him out of money. Guest star CARL REINER returns as Marty, Evelyn’s old fling.

Dead from the Waist Down

Alan is ashamed that he can't afford to buy Lyndsey a birthday present, so he gets creative. JENNY McCARTHY returns as Charlie’s girlfriend.

Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead

When Charlie and Courtney break up, Charlie falls into a depression and goes to see his psychiatrist, Dr. Freeman (guest star JANE LYNCH).

Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup

When Charlie and Lyndsey start becoming friendly, Alan’s paranoia gets the best of him.

Lookin' for Japanese Subs

Charlie's obsession with the newly "married" Rose leads him to stalk her. Meanwhile, Alan grows concerned when Jake and Eldridge start videotaping stupid and extremely dangerous stunts.

Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak

In an attempt to grow his business, Alan inadvertently starts a Ponzi scheme using his friends and family as investors. Charlie’s love for Rose only deepens as they continue their torrid “affair.”

That Darn Priest

Rose uncovers Alan's Ponzi scheme and Alan, in turn, meets "Manny," Rose's mannequin "husband." Meanwhile, Charlie is eager to get some alone time with Rose.

Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt

All is revealed in the ninth season premiere when ASHTON KUTCHER joins the cast as Walden Schmidt, an Internet billionaire with a broken heart.

People Who Love Peepholes

Guest star JUDY GREER is introduced as Bridget, Walden's ex-wife in the second part of the ninth season premiere.

Big Girls Don't Throw Food

Alan prepares Walden for a date with Bridget, while Jake decides to emulate Walden and drop out of school.

Nine Magic Fingers

Trying to rebound from his recent separation, Walden goes looking for Mrs. Right, while Alan has an opportunity to reconcile with his on-again, off-again girlfriend Lyndsey (guest star COURTNEY THORNE-SMITH).

A Giant Cat Holding a Churro

While Alan struggles to come to terms with Lyndsey's risqué movie past, Walden tries to cheer him up by throwing a party at the house.

The Squat and Hover

Walden receives divorce papers from Bridget, but forgets his depression when he meets a girl who looks eerily like her. JOE MANGANIELLO (True Blood) guest stars as Bridget's new beau, Alex, and JANE LYNCH (Glee) returns as therapist Dr. Freeman.

Those Fancy Japanese Toilets

Jake has a crush on his chemistry tutor (guest star MACEY CRUTHIRD)...who has a crush on Walden. Meanwhile, Alan obsesses over the journal his brother left him in his will.

Thanks for the Intercourse

When Walden begins redecorating the beach house, Alan becomes overly emotional...and is pushed over the edge.

Frodo's Headshots

Upon his release from the hospital, Alan is met with a slew of challenges that test his ability to cope...including GARY BUSEY!

A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes

Walden hits it off with a British babe (guest star SOPHIE WINKLEMAN), but neither of them is sure he's ready to re-enter the dating world.

A Lovely Landing Strip

Walden is trying his best to impress his new love interest, Zoey, when Bridget reappears in his life. MELANIE LYNSKEY returns as Rose.

One False Move, Zimbabwe!

Walden's mother, Robin (guest star MIMI ROGERS), arrives and Alan is smitten with her -- even as she reveals a secret about Walden's past that sends him into a downward spiral.

Slowly and in a Circular Fashion

When Walden's ex-wife and his mother try to take control of his company and vote him off the board, Walden enlists Alan as an ally in the boardroom battle.

A Possum on Chemo

Zoey tries to coerce Walden into cutting his hair and shaving, while Alan rekindles his relationship with Lyndsey.

The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack

Walden tries to loosen up Zoey by sharing a couple of Berta's "special" brownies.  MATTHEW MARSDEN guest stars as Zoey's ex-husband, Nigel.

Sips, sonnets and sodomy

Strained relationships and girl-fighting result when a huge storm traps Walden, Alan, Zoey and Lyndsey in the house on Valentine's Day.

Not in My Mouth!

Walden and Zoey's relationship has a few ups and downs after they share a near-death experience...and Walden shares his true feelings. Meanwhile, Alan wonders if Lyndsey has a drinking problem.

The War Against Gingivitis

Things get tense in the Malibu house when Walden's estranged ex-business partner, Billy (guest star PATTON OSWALT), shows up looking to bury the hatchet with a money-making idea. Will their combustible relationship get in the way of their success? Meanwhile, a lonely Alan pays a visit to Berta.

Palmdale, ech

Alan and Lyndsey introduce their mothers (HOLLAND TAYLOR and GEORGIA ENGEL) to one another, so that they can have more time together. Meanwhile, Jake and Eldridge enlist Walden to drive them to a high school house party that they never find.

Grandma's Pie

Walden breaks the news to Zoey that he is going into business with his ex-wife. Meanwhile, Alan and Lyndsey try to come to terms with their moms' new relationship.

Mr. Hose says "Yes"

Walden's commitment is tested when Zoey and her daughter come to live with him -- for a trial run. Meanwhile, Alan gets more than he bargained for when he moves in with Lyndsey.

Why We Gave Up Women

Academy Award® winner KATHY BATES guest stars as the ghost of Charlie Harper who pays a visit to Alan's hospital bedside after Alan suffers a minor heart attack.

The Straw in My Donut Hole

On the 200th episode, Alan is showered with love and affection upon returning from the hospital, but Zoey isn't so sure it's deserved. JASON ALEXANDER (Seinfeld) guest stars as Alan's cardiologist.

Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!

Jake is pressured to make a decision about his future on the ninth season finale. Comedian Patton Oswalt returns as Walden's ex-business partner, Billy.

I changed my mind about the milk

Walden plans a surprise for Zoey's birthday on the premiere.

A big bag of dog

Following his break-up with Zoey, Walden has a breakdown.

Four balls, two bats and one mitt

Alan and Lyndsey (recurring guest star COURTNEY THORNE-SMITH) decide to spice things up in the bedroom.

You do know what the lollipop's for

Walden starts to feel his age when a friend's daughter comes to town. Actress MILEY CYRUS guest stars as Missi, the friend who comes to visit for a week and develops a relationship with Jake when he comes home from the Army.

That's not what they call it in Amsterdam

Despite Alan's warnings, Walden starts dating Rose (recurring guest star MELANIE LYNSKEY).

Ferrets, attack!

Walden asks Rose to move in, but she feels that it's too early in their relationship. When Zoey tells Walden that she wants to get back together, however, he has to choose between Rose and Zoey...before it's too late.

Avoid the Chinese mustard

Tired of the complications of a traditional relationship, Walden hires an actress (guest star LINDSAY PRICE) to play the part of his girlfriend. But when he starts falling for her, he can't tell if she really has feelings for him or is just acting. Meanwhile, Jake and Missi (MILEY CYRUS) surprise Walden and Alan when they plan a weekend rendezvous at the beach house. Too bad, the Army is looking for him as well.

Something my gynecologist said

Alan is hesitant to make a serious commitment to Lyndsey, but gets inspiration from an unlikely source. Meanwhile, Walden mistakenly ends up being a boy-toy for a rich older woman (guest star TRICIA O'KELLEY).

I scream when I pee

Alan's "smokin' hot," famous ex-wife Kandi (guest star APRIL BOWLBY) wants him back. Meanwhile, Berta isn't interested in celebrating her birthday... until Walden helps make it special.

One nut Johnson

When Alan helps Walden create a new identity in order to find a woman who isn't just after his money, he encounters a new love interest (guest star BROOKE D'ORSAY).

Give Santa a tail-hole

Walden juggles having two identities -- rich man and poor man -- and "Sam Wilson" gets a new job during the holiday season, while Alan finds himself alone at Christmas.

Welcome to Alancrest

Using Walden's money, Alan invests in Kate's fashion line. Meanwhile, leading a double life starts to take its toll on Walden.

Grab a feather and get in line

Walden and Alan visit Kate's fashion show in New York so Walden can reveal the truth about his identity. What's revealed, however, is a Broadway-style song and dance performance.

Run, Steven Staven! Run!

Alan and Lyndsey's relationship is strained when he won't give her a key to the beach house. Meanwhile, Walden, Billy and Herb (recurring guest star RYAN STILES) commiserate about women and relationships. WILLIE GARSON guest stars as Dr. Steven Staven, Lyndsey's gynecologist who takes her on a date.

Paint it, pierce it or plug it

Alan has concerns when Jake returns home with Tammy (guest star JAIME PRESSLY), his 36-year-old girlfriend that he's madly in love with. Meanwhile, Walden struggles to keep a secret from Alan.

Advantage: fat, flying baby

Depressed about being single on Valentine's Day, Walden tries to convince Kate to give him another chance. Meanwhile, Alan's all-out Valentine's Day plans for Lyndsey take a turn for the worse.

Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries

When Walden runs into his ex-wife Bridget at a high-end singles mixer, they talk about getting back together. But Alan feels that she might not be good for Walden.

The 9:04 from Pemberton

Alan moves out after he and Walden get into a fight over a broken toaster. After Alan moves in with Herb, Walden feels bad and tries to apologize. But Herb gets in the way... because he doesn't want to lose his new roommate.

Big episode. Someone stole a spoon.

Boys Gone Wild! Walden and Alan try to cheer up a lonely Herb, but end up living it up a little too large.

Bazinga! That's from a TV show.

When Jake cheats on his girlfriend Tammy (JAMIE PRESSLY) with her 18-year-old daughter, Ashley (guest star EMILY OSMENT), Alan and Walden get caught in the crossfire. SCOTT BAKULA guest stars as Ashley's ex-boyfriend Jerry.

Another night with Neil Diamond

Alan is devastated when Lyndsey breaks up with him, leaving Walden struggling to find a way to help him get back on his feet.

My bodacious Vidalia

Alan gets a "breakover" (i.e. post-breakup makeover)! When Walden encourages a depressed Alan to update his look and start dating again, Alan faces a moral dilemma when he attracts a married woman.

Cows, prepare to be tipped

Even though Walden's dating a hot 22-year-old woman (guest star HILARY DUFF), he finds himself more attracted to her worldly grandmother, Linda (guest star MARILU HENNER). Meanwhile, Alan and Jake go on a father-son bonding trip on the tenth season finale.

Nangnangnangnang

Charlie's long-lost daughter Jenny shows up in the premiere.

I think I banged Lucille Ball

When Walden feels cramped in his own house, Jenny moves in with Evelyn (recurring star HOLLAND TAYLOR) and her wealthy boyfriend, Marty (recurring guest star CARL REINER). Meanwhile, Alan becomes Lyndsey's "other man."

This unblessed biscuit

Walden (series star ASHTON KUTCHER) and Alan think it may be time for Berta (series star CONCHATA FERRELL) to retire when she injures her back at work.

Clank, clank, drunken skank

Walden starts partying with Jenny and her hot friends. Meanwhile, Alan and Lyndsey's illicit affair is jeopardized.

Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003

Alan befriends Lyndsey's boyfriend Larry (guest star D.B. SWEENEY) in an effort to find out what he has that Alan doesn't. Meanwhile, Walden helps Jenny be more proactive in pursuing her acting career.

Justice in star-spangled hot pants

When Alan learns Walden knows Wonder Woman's LYNDA CARTER (guest starring as Herself), he asks him to set him up on a date with her. Against his better judgment, Walden agrees to invite her to the house for dinner. MIMI ROGERS returns as Walden's mother, Robin.

Some kind of lesbian zombie

Walden and Alan find themselves on dates with two ideal women until Lyndsey's jealousy throws a wrench in their evening. JEFF PROBST makes a guest appearance as himself.

Mr. Walden, he die. I clean room.

When Larry hires a private investigator to follow Lyndsey, he tracks her to the beach house. But when Larry thinks that she's having an affair with Walden, Alan has to figure out how to clear Walden's name without outing himself. Recurring guest star MELANIE LYNSKEY returns as the neighborhood stalker Rose, who offers to help Walden out of his dilemma.

Numero uno accidente lawyer

Walden's date with a gorgeous, accident-prone underwear model (guest star KATE MINER) goes on much longer than he expected. Meanwhile, Alan dates a woman who shares some surprising personal information with him.

On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!

Walden helps Jenny get a second date with a one-night stand (guest star ALY MICHALKA) and Alan's transgender girlfriend's ex-wife (guest star DIANE FARR) hits on him. Meanwhile, in the spirit of the holidays, Alan receives a Japanese delicacy from Jake for Christmas, and Walden's Malibu house is alive with questionable Christmas carol lyrics. Paula Marshall returns as Alan's transgender girlfriend, Paula.

Tazed in the lady nuts

Walden joins his beautiful former employee, Nicole (guest star ODETTE ANABLE) on a brilliant new project. Meanwhile, Alan advises Jenny to open up to her girlfriend Brooke (guest star ALY MICHALKA) or risk losing her.

Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.

Alan lets Lyndsey's boyfriend Larry set him up on a date, while Walden offers to help Nicole with her software project, so that she will have the time to date him.

Bite me, Supreme Court

After multimillionaire Marty Pepper proposes to Evelyn, Walden and Alan throw him a bachelor party with several of his old friends (comedy legends TIM CONWAY, STEVE LAWRENCE and GARRY MARSHALL guest star) who help him celebrate his last days of bachelorhood.

Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe

After Alan learns that Lyndsey broke up with Larry and didn't tell him, he makes a big decision. Meanwhile, Walden sets out to prove that he's a man's man.

Cab fare and a bottle of penicillin

Alan gives Lyndsey the option of choosing between him and Larry. Meanwhile, Jenny fears that she and Brooke are growing apart.

How to get rid of Alan Harper

Walden suspects his new girlfriend is cheating on him. Meanwhile, Alan gets even more intertwined in Lyndsey and Larry's relationship when he starts dating Larry's sister, Gretchen (guest star KIMBERLY WILLIAMS-PAISLEY).

Welcome home, Jake

Lyndsey discovers that Alan is sleeping with Larry's sister, Gretchen. Meanwhile, Walden struggles with telling Barry (guest star CLARK DUKE) to find his own place.

West side story

Walden gets an invitation to his ex-girlfriend's boutique opening. Meanwhile, Gretchen wants to spend more time at Alan's (aka Jeff Strongman) house. BROOKE D'ORSAY returns as Walden's ex-girlfriend Kate.

Lan mao shi zai wuding shang

Walden reconnects with Kate and is sure she's "The One" - that is, until he meets Vivian (guest star MILA KUNIS - That '70s Show, Black Swan), a beautiful, free-spirited world traveler who shows up on his doorstep. Feeling an instant connection with Vivian, he soon becomes convinced that she's "The One." Meanwhile, Alan and Gretchen grow closer.

Lotta delis in Little Armenia

Alan stumbles upon an opportunity to make money. Meanwhile, Walden has to address his co-dependency issues.

Dial 1-900-mix-a-lot

Alan's girlfriend, Gretchen, insists that he confess his true identity to Larry. Meanwhile, Walden goes on a road trip with Jenny and Barry to see his first car.

Oh, WALD-E, good times ahead

Alan confesses his true identity to Larry and has to face the consequences on the Season Eleven Finale. Guest star Kimberly Williams-Paisley returns as Alan's fiancée Gretchen, alongside her real-life husband BRAD PAISLEY who makes a cameo appearance.

The ol' mexican spinach

In the twelfth season premiere, Walden decides to reprioritize his life with Alan’s help, following a Halloween health scare. AISHA TYLER guest stars as Walden’s lawyer.

A chic bar in Ibiza

When Walden asks Alan to sign a pre-nuptial agreement, Alan gets offended and has second thoughts about getting married. MICHAEL BOLTON returns as himself.

Glamping in a yurt

Walden and Alan have a meeting with an adoption social worker that hinges on them being convincing as a loving couple. Meanwhile, Lyndsey returns after 60 days in rehab.

Thirty-eight, sixty-two, thirty-eight

Walden and Alan meet a birth mother who's considering them to adopt her baby. MAGGIE LAWSON guest stars as a social worker helping Walden and Alan adopt a child.

Oontz. oontz. oontz.

Walden decides to foster a six-year-old boy, but begins to doubt himself when they don't bond like he expected. EDAN ALEXANDER joins the cast as Louis, the foster child.

Alan shot a little girl

When Alan realizes that Louis thinks he's cool, he starts breaking Walden's rules in order to stay that way. Series star Jon Cryer directs.

Sex with an animated Ed Asner

Alan and Walden befriend three moms at a kids' gym, but things get complicated when Walden becomes attracted to one of them. Meanwhile, Alan joins the moms for a girls night out.

Family, Buble, deep-fried turkey

Walden and Alan are determined to convince Louis that Santa Claus is real. MELANIE LYNSKEY returns as Walden' s stalker, Rose.

Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, Lyndsey

Walden discovers how challenging it is to be with women with Louis in the house. Also, Herb (RYAN STILES) asks Alan if he can go on a date with Lyndsey (COURTNEY THORNE-SMITH).

Here I come, pants!

Alan takes it upon himself to help Walden keep Louis after the social worker, Ms. McMartin, discovers that he and Walden are not really a gay couple.

For whom the booty calls

Walden joins a group for adoptive fathers, and finds it to be a nice escape from Alan.

A beer-battered rip-off

When Alan breaks up with their social worker to get back together with Lyndsey, Walden worries it might affect Louis's adoption.

Boompa loved his hookers

Walden fears that if he breaks up with Ms. McMartin, it will jeopardize his adoption of Louis.  Also, Alan hesitates when Lyndsey asks him to move in with her.

Don't give a monkey a gun

After they sign their divorce papers, Walden offers Alan the gift of his choice, but Alan's selfish & impractical choice puts his relationship with Lyndsey on the line.

Of course he's dead - part 1

Charlie Harper is alive.  Or is he?  Find out in the special one-hour series finale.  Surprise guest stars appear in the conclusion of the successful comedy's twelfth and final season.

Of course he's dead - part 2

Charlie Harper is alive.  Or is he?  Find out in the special one-hour series finale.  Surprise guest stars appear in the conclusion of the successful comedy's twelfth and final season.