Rock’n’roll is ripe for spoofing, but it’s rare for the satire to be delivered with both barrels by musicians behind some of the biggest hits of the 80s.
That was the unusual proposition on offer with the wildly entertaining The Kemps: All Gold, in which Spandau Ballet siblings Gary and Martin Kemp followed their 2020 rock parody, The Kemps: All True (itself inspired by the entirely serious but accidentally hilarious 2018 Bros doc, After the Screaming Stops) with a dose of safety-cap-off self-mockery.
The brothers didn’t hold back. Everything was ripe for ripping apart: Martin’s acting career, the dodgy quality of their later albums, their difficult relationship with ex-singer Tony Hadley. Yet this laugh-a-minute film, written by former Nathan Barley actor Rhys Thomas, also functioned as a broader commentary on the cynicism and greed of the music business.
The story began with Martin separating from his “two wives” – former Wham! backing singers Pepsi and Shirlie (in reality, he is married to just Shirlie Holliman). With nowhere to stay, he tried mending bridges with Gary, who had moved to the countryside and dreamed of turning his barn into a shared artistic space called Spandau Valley. He also wanted to put on an interpretive dance take on his band’s repertoire with “Spandau: The Ballet”.
With Martin facing child support demands from Pepsi and Shirlie and Gary needing cash for his Spandau Valley dream, they required a get-rich-quick scheme. One idea was a reunion tour. Tony Hadley – from whom they are genuinely estranged – was out of the picture, so their manager (Michael Kitchen) suggested joining forces with another big name for “McBusted” style cash-in gigs. What about Harry Styles? They could be “Spandau Harry.”
They also tried to ride the trend for airbrushed biopics by teaming up with Dexter Fletcher, director of real-life movies about Queen and Elton John. The Kemps played younger versions of themselves, with Adil Ray drafted to portray Hadley. They were horrified to discover that Fletcher had given him all the best lines. “We’re going to create a whole new movement,” pretend Tony declared at one point. “It’s new and romantic and we haven’t got a name for it yet”.
The Kemps were also surprised to learn they’d lost ownership of their back catalogue. If they wanted any Spandau Ballet songs in the film, they’d have to re-record them, Taylor Swift style. Either that or steal the masters from the company that had acquired the originals.
After mucking about unsuccessfully at Abbey Road, they decided on the latter option and were soon scarpering from a lock-up with their precious reels.
Meanwhile, their plans for touring with Harry Styles were gazumped when Gary agreed to give the job to Francis Rossi of Status Quo. Rossi insisted the brothers wear fake ponytails and waistcoats and perform as “Spandau Quo”.
All Gold was cracking, chaotic fun, and Gary and Martin only just about managed to keep straight faces. But the film also doubled as a stinging critique of how the music industry is all about money and egos. I wonder how much Thomas was inspired by his time shooting concert movies for Queen.
In the end, the Kemps were arrested for spreading toxic wee on Gary’s farm – this film had subplots within subplots – and had to watch the real Tony Hadley take their place as headliners at a big New Year’s Eve party. He sang, they scowled; an appropriately cruel conclusion to a scorched earth skewering of rock’n’roll at its most ridiculous.