I was angry, aggressive and in chronic pain – then a party drug changed everything

Adam Reuter has been dogged by anxiety and depression for his entire adult life.

It began when he was 13 and he watched his father die at home following a massive and sudden heart attack. The family tried to save him, but 45 minutes of heart compressions failed to bring Adam’s 40-year-old dad back.

The traumatic experience went on to have an impact on his teenage years, and he became angry and aggressive.

‘I didn’t know how to express myself. I suffered with explosive anger, intense and sudden shifts in emotions,’ he tells Metro. ‘When I couldn’t contain the emotions, I would be verbally or physically violent.’

At 18, Adam, from Georgia, USA, joined the military and was deployed to fight in Iraq. A spinal injury saw him medically discharged and he returned home in 2005, going straight from the army into other stressful and highly-charged roles in prisons and law enforcement.

For years, the father-of-five – who still lives with chronic pain – was grumpy and unpredictable; prone to rages by day and drinking each night. ‘I neglected my mental health for a really long time,’ admits Adam. ‘I was drinking too much and I couldn’t control my emotions. It wasn’t unusual for me to put my fist through the wall.

‘It felt like everything was falling apart.’

Adam, 41, tried endless therapies to ease his emotional and physical pain: antidepressants, beta blockers, benzodiazepines and other mood stabilisers, nothing worked. Then last year, his psychiatrist diagnosed him with borderline personality disorder, which he describes as a ‘lightbulb moment’.

‘I became very intentional about finding therapies that would help,’ he explains.

Then his psychiatrist suggested ketamine therapy. It was an idea that scared Adam, a straight-laced military man who had never taken recreational drugs.

Beginning life as a horse tranquilliser, ketamine is also used as an anaesthetic in hospitals, but is probably most well-known as a party drug, where long-term misuse can lead to debilitating bladder conditions.

Now, it’s taking on another guise, as a recognised therapy for depression, anxiety, PTSD and other illnesses.

Here in the UK, esketamine, which is made from ketamine and is more potent, is now licensed for treating depression. Yet to be FDA-approved to treat psychological disorders in the States, ketamine is still proving popular, with lozenges and creams being sold over the counter, and various clinics providing intravenous infusions.

Adam finally decided to give it a try last November after a friend simply said to him: ‘You’ve tried normal your whole life, why not try weird?’

Worried about side effects and addiction, he signed up to an at-home programme, where a person would guide Adam online through the process.

After a medical and an interview with a clinician, Adam was given 500mg of ketamine in a blister pack which he was told to dissolve on his tongue while he lay on his bed. His guide asked him to set an intention for the first session, and Adam decided upon ‘to not to feel miserable all the time’.

After 15 minutes, he was told to spit the remains of the bitter-tasting pill out and he found himself sinking into what he describes as a ‘profoundly healing experience’. As he lay on his bed with the curtains drawn against the noon-light, Adam says he felt intensely warm, relaxed and cocooned in wellbeing.

‘Everything felt peaceful and loving. I felt no pain; just a very strong sense of serenity,’ he remembers. ‘I lay there comfortably with an eye mask on, listening to a curated playlist of instrumental music on headphones. I just sank into myself.

‘It felt like my body was put to sleep while my mind was active; almost like I could look at my mind from a third-party standpoint.’

Within a couple of hours the drug had worn off and as Adam had been advised not to drive anywhere, he spent the rest of the day pottering around his house and reflecting on the experience.

‘I was a little groggy and slow but after a few sessions a shift occurred without me even noticing,’ he adds.

Soon Adam noticed he was calmer and less reactive. ‘Shortly after my third session, my wife Anna told me that the dog had eaten my really nice earbuds that she’d got me for Christmas,’ he remembers. ‘My initial response was: “Are you okay? Are you upset? Don’t worry! They’re headphones. Who cares?”

‘I know without a doubt that two or three months before that would not have been my response. I would have flown off the handle. It wasn’t until after that I realised I had changed.’

When it comes to medical ketamin use elsewhere across the globe, 2023 research from China has reported that it could help reduce the risk of post-natal depression, while an Oxford University study found that the drug may offer hope for treatment-resistant depression. A handful of private clinics in Britain are also now providing ketamine infusion therapy.

Professor David Nutt is a proponent of ketamine therapy as an alternative to traditional methods and has helped set up the Awakn Clinics psychedelic-assisted clinics in London.

‘Traditional antidepressants work to protect the brain from stress, as we know it is a major cause of depression,’ he explains. ‘But of course, they sometimes also blunt responses to pleasure. So people sometimes say they’re no longer depressed, but they get less out of life.

‘Psychedelics and ketamine work on the Cortex, a much bigger part of the brain where we do our thinking – not our feeling – and break down patterns of negative thinking. It’s a completely different approach; different receptors, different parts of the brain, different targets, and that’s why [ketamine] can work when others don’t,’ adds Professor Nutt.

However, others aren’t so sure about its therapeutic benefits.

Matthew Perry, who died at the age of 54 last year, was found to have died of ‘acute effects of ketamine’. He had been legally prescribed infusions of ketamine to treat depression and anxiety, but the drugs in his system were not thought to be from legitimate treatment.

Meanwhile, the controversial case of Maya Kowalski was documented in a Netflix film, telling the story of how she was removed from the care of her family after she received ketamine treatment for ailments, which sparked tragic results.

And there is cause for concern, according to mental health expert and therapist Sophie Cress.

‘Although some clinical trials using ketamine to treat depression and other mental health illnesses have yielded encouraging results, there remain serious questions about the drug’s long-term safety and effectiveness,’ she explains.

‘[There is the] potential for misuse and abuse due to its hallucinogenic properties. Ketamine is known to induce dissociative states, altering perception and cognition, which can be appealing to individuals seeking recreational experiences.’

Sophie adds that while ketamine can have a quick anti-depressant effect, ‘there are still unanswered concerns regarding possible neurotoxicity, cognitive deficits, and the possibility of tolerance or dependence with continued usage.’

For her, evidence-based approaches are preferable, and lists Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, antidepressant drugs and mindfulness-based interventions, adding ‘combining various methods or including lifestyle elements like social support and exercise can improve treatment outcomes and foster holistic well-being in clinical practice.’

Mari-Carmen Sanchez-Morris, a former paediatric nurse and turned postnatal fitness expert, is also concerned. She tells Metro: ‘Back when I was working as a nurse on the paediatric ICU ward, we used ketamine to anaesthetise the children, to prep for intubation or a medical procedure. Hearing about the latest study to use it to treat postnatal depression actually leaves me with more questions than it does answers.

‘Once again, this ‘solution’ is being offered as a miracle fix: however, I actually think it is simply applying a plaster to a much deeper (and more concerning) issue.’

For Adam, however, he feels his life has been transformed by the little white pill.

Still feeling the effects of the treatment he had in January, he believes he’s the happiest and healthiest he’s ever been, and plans to take it again as and when he needs it, alongside talking therapy. He’s even begun working for a medicine company as a ketamine integration guide to help others go through the same therapy.

‘I’m not and never have been a new-agey kind of guy,’ he insists. ‘I’ve always been sceptical about things like meditation and yoga. I never thought I would align with this type of therapy.

‘For other people who have experienced trauma, or who have worked in the services, I would encourage them to be open minded about different therapies. I am really glad I was.’

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