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The Boy with the Topknot: A Memoir of Love, Secrets and Lies Paperback – 30 April 2009

by Sathnam Sanghera (Author)
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'Could not be more enjoyable, engaging or moving' Observer

"It's 1979, I'm three years old, and like all breakfast times during my youth it begins with Mum combing my hair, a ritual for which I have to sit down on the second-hand, floral-patterned settee, and lean forward, like I'm presenting myself for execution."

For Sathnam Sanghera, growing up in Wolverhampton in the eighties was a confusing business. On the one hand, these were the heady days of George Michael mix-tapes, Dallas on TV and, if he was lucky, the occasional Bounty Bar. On the other, there was his wardrobe of tartan smocks, his 30p-an-hour job at the local sewing factory and the ongoing challenge of how to tie the perfect top-knot.

And then there was his family, whose strange and often difficult behaviour he took for granted until, at the age of twenty-four, Sathnam made a discovery that changed everything he ever thought he knew about them. Equipped with breathtaking courage and a glorious sense of humour, he embarks on a journey into their extraordinary past - from his father's harsh life in rural Punjab to the steps of the Wolverhampton Tourist Office - trying to make sense of a life lived among secrets.

'I absolutely loved it. Heartbreaking and wonderful. He writes beautifully' Maggie O'Farrell

'Tragic, funny and disturbing. It will challenge you, and may even change you' Carole Angier, Independent

Published in hardback as If You Don't Know Me by Now

Previous page
  1. Print length
    336 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Penguin
  4. Publication date
    30 April 2009
  5. Dimensions
    19.8 x 12.9 x 2.03 cm
  6. ISBN-10
    0141028599
  7. ISBN-13
    978-0141028590
  8. See all details
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  1. There are lots of horrendous diseases out there, that rob you of your dignity and bodily functions, that kill you, but to have one that robs you of your sense of self, makes you frightened of your own mind, those who you love frightened of you … There is little worse.
    Highlighted by 56 Kindle readers
  2. Know where you come from, but don’t let it stop you becoming who you want to be.
    Highlighted by 50 Kindle readers
  3. Put it another way: sometimes it’s better to talk about difficult subjects rather than conceal them beneath a web of secrets and lies. And it’s probably time I took my own advice.
    Highlighted by 46 Kindle readers
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Product description

Review

'I absolutely loved it. Heartbreaking and wonderful. He writes beautifully' - Maggie O'Farrell 'Could not be more enjoyable, engaging or moving' Observer 'About real secrets, in a real quest for understanding. It's tragic, funny and disturbing. It will challenge you, and may even change you' - Carole Angier, Independent 'Hilarious, engaging, tragicomic' - Meg Rosoff, Guardian "Gripping and entertaining, horrifying and tender ! Exposes all those things we take for granted as we grow up' - Hardeep Singh Kohli, The Times

About the Author

Sathnam Sanghera was born to Punjabi immigrant parents in Wolverhampton in 1976. He entered the education system unable to speak English but went on to graduate from Christ's College, Cambridge with a first class degree in English Language and Literature. He has been shortlisted for the Costa Book Awards twice, for his memoir The Boy With The Topknot and his novel Marriage Material. Empireland has been longlisted for the Baillie Gifford Prize for Non-Fiction, was named a Book of the Year at the National Book Awards of 2022, and inspired both the Channel 4 series Empire State of Mind and Sanghera's children's book about the British empire Stolen History. He lives in London.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Penguin (30 April 2009)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 336 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0141028599
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0141028590
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 19.8 x 12.9 x 2.03 cm
  • Customer reviews:

About the author

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Sathnam Sanghera

Sathnam Sanghera

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Sathnam Sanghera was born to Punjabi parents in the West Midlands in 1976. He entered the education system unable to speak English but, after attending Wolverhampton Grammar School, graduated from Christ’s College, Cambridge with a first class degree in English Language and Literature. He has been shortlisted for the Costa Book Awards twice, for his memoir The Boy With The Topknot and his novel Marriage Material, the former being adapted by BBC Drama in 2017 and named Mind Book of the Year in 2009. His third book, Empireland: How Imperialism Has Been Shaped Modern Britain became an instant Sunday Times bestseller on release in 2021, and was named a Book of the Year at the 2022 British Books Awards.

Empireland also inspired Empire State of Mind, the acclaimed two-part documentary for Channel 4 for which he earned a Best Presenter shortlisting at the 2022 Grierson Awards, and Stolen History: The Truth about the British Empire and How it Shaped Us, which went to No 1 on several children’s books charts when it was released in 2023. He has been awarded two honorary doctorates and won numerous awards for his journalism, including Young Journalist of the Year at the British Press Awards in 2002, Media Commentator of the year in the 2015 Comment Awards and the Edgar Wallace Trophy for Writing of the Highest Quality at the 2017 London Press Club Awards. He was elected a fellow of the Royal Society of Literature in 2016, and elected a Fellow of the Royal Historical Society in recognition of his contribution to historical scholarship in 2023.

Customer reviews

4.3 out of 5 stars
4.3 out of 5
1,832 global ratings

Top reviews from United Kingdom

Mrs Sarah Parkin
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 14 January 2024
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Excellent read. Interesting, informative, and touching memoir and biography of a Wolverhampton Sikh family. A beautiful tribute to Sathnam Sanghera’s family (especially his mother who held them all together with love and faith) who were affected by racism, culture clashes, and the difficulties of having family members who suffer from schizophrenia.
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4.0 out of 5 stars Intensely personal memoir of growing up a 2nd generation immigrant
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 15 January 2024
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This was an eye-opener for me, both in relation to 70s UK punjabi life, and the impact of schizophrenia on families.
Slow to begin with, but hard to put down later.
Remarkable honesty, both from Sathnam and his family
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agjag
5.0 out of 5 stars great read, insightful on minorities and fitting in, warm and funny
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 10 February 2014
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I really enjoyed this book. I recommend it to those who had a complicated and crazy childhood, it puts things into perspective and shows that you can survive . I also recommend it to those who feel marginalised in the UK, where if you do not watch TV football and go get pissed on a weekend no-one knows what to do with you.
Sanghera's family did not fit in the UK, but their the mental health issues which are common and should have been diagnosed were ignored and left to the extended family to handle. It is reassuring to read how mental health support is linked to social status and ability to access help. It helped me read about someone who only understood his story because he became educated and gained a different perspective. I found it very reassuring to read about how he lived, the chaos and ups and downs as a child, and how he was able to learn from his family and later in life make choices for himself while keeping a close relationship with his mother. His perspective on schisophrenia was interesting. I was able to relate to his story and welcomed his refreshing take of being different in the UK. I read the book over a year ago but still think of it often.
2 people found this helpful
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Katharine Kirby
3.0 out of 5 stars Sardonic, self depreciating, sometimes funny
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 6 April 2010
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I accept that this book has a true value and was enormously well received. Shortlisted for an award etc. I personally didn't feel comfortable with it. Much navel gazing, great chunks of amateur research on schizophrenia, hugely long winded letters, took up so much of the text. Half way through I would have probably put it to one side if it hadn't been our book club choice.

However if you knew Wolverhampton well, maybe worked alongside members of the Sikh community or just felt that it was important to understand more of their everyday lives then is a useful book indeed. It is like a Rough Guide to Sikhs in the UK. Being a current description of their present day way of life together with the workaday, practical compromises made by Sikhs living here today, I learned a great deal from it. And I needed to, so that was a good thing. Although some of his references to alcoholism, domestic violence and illegality are far from heartwarming. The intimate explanations of the whys and wherefores of arranged marriages were compelling reading. A quality of childish innocence, hope triumphing over experience, came sweetly through.

I looked up Sathnam Sanghera and saw that as a journalist he also writes about his family in the Sunday Times. He wrote an article about his explaining the world wide web to his mother for instance. So his family are still providing rich fodder for his writing. His other writing is also fluent and can be fascinating. I found some interviews on his own site and other places that are bright and breezy like this book, easily read. One article in which he interviews Louis Theroux he uses the word 'whore' to describe an interviewer or a journalist, which intrigued me. I felt that he could be considered to have used his family and religion here in that way for instance.

This is what I am uncomfortable with. I know that he happily ridicules himself and his religion throughout and that is often very funny - but - I just didn't like the way he aired his family's troubles in such a public way when they cannot fully understand that they are being so used or give their informed agreement to it. I know that some of them had a chance to edit but still things that made his mother burn with shame were paraded. His father was such a presence in his early life, reassuring in his continuity of school gate taking and collecting, I felt sad and sorry to read so much of this ill man's past that he could be embarrassed about. However nobody's perfect and perhaps this non miserable misery memoir is a healthy way to go.

The photographs, which are hard to get excited about, and require you to turn repeatedly to the back in order to work out who is who, identify some of them. The photos of his father show a man who is not enjoying being where he is or being photographed which felt like an intrusion to me.

In a chatty style this book is written as a gentle stream of thought with trips back to the past dotted throughout in random order. It is a biography and I can see that he is being mostly truthful. However it went on a bit too long for me, surprising for a journalist to find it impossible to be brief or concise, and became an anti climax when even after all the fuss the mother was still on the look out for a suitable Sikh bride. Plus I see that Sathnam is still not married!
7 people found this helpful
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A. David
5.0 out of 5 stars A book that made me both laugh and cry
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 25 July 2021
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This book was both profoundly familiar whilst being extremely different to my own experience of the world; of, in particular the dual-identity nature of being an Indian son.

Unlike Sathnam, I was mostly spared the ‘when will you be getting married son’ pleading from my parents. They married for love, in violation of my mother’s family traditions at least, and both (by definition) married out of their communities.

My parents drink (not much), are politically and socially liberal and progressive (within the limits of people born in the 1940s)… but so many second generation diasporans I’ve met and known over the years have had to deal with exactly Sathnam’s personal anguish.

Of being their true selves to their family. Of not letting the Bruce Wayne/Batman identity duality disrupt their personal happiness, the reconciliation of themselves.

But this, whilst a meaningful to me, was the lesser of the plots. The true legend is his dad & sister’s story.

The taboo of mental illness, the challenge of social integration of immigrant communities, the lack of education and literacy in rural communities (in India, and elsewhere), the incredible stigma… It’s heartrending. What Sathnam’s mother in particular endured was awful.

And the courage and elegance with which the story is told, with all its meandering postmodernism, flitting between timelines and casts of characters at different stages of being, was just joyous. For all the emotional flips a ‘misery memoir’ can put you through…I laughed as much as I cried, reading this. And I did both - it’s an incredibly brave, incredibly personal bit of storytelling.

My favourite moment bar none is Sathnam’s Ma telling him that the climax of his emotional journey, the apotheosis of his story - the letter he paid $300 to have translated… “for $300 I’d have written it for you myself.” I mean, it’s just too perfect.

I recommend this book to everyone that has experienced the challenge of reconciling their self with their friends, to their self with their family. To those that have battled mental illness or had to support others coming to terms with it. To children of immigrants, everywhere.

It’s just a joy.

Incidentally, I listened to the Audible version of this, performed by Assad Zaman, who did a very good job of bringing the Punjabi, the midlands, the Punjabi midlands, and the Punjabi midlands aunties’ accents to life. Props to him.
14 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

GJFree
5.0 out of 5 stars an insight into a Punjabi family
Reviewed in Germany on 22 March 2021
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There have been numerous , excellent reviews so there is no need for me to describe the contents. I just want to say the book gave me an insight into the Punjabi culture, and the lives of this family. Incredibly sad - schizophrenia need not be as debilitating as it was, and is for the father. Better diagnosis, better communication would have meant so much. The mother is amazing, keeping it all together. I was very moved by the book. I'm recommending it to all my bookish friends.
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Amazon Kunde
5.0 out of 5 stars Compassion and humor in a family's story of schizophrenia and adjustment to a new country
Reviewed in the United States on 12 May 2017
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Sanghera writes with compassion, humor, and self-deprecation about his childhood in England growing up in a poor, immigrant family with a father who was too ill to work and a mother who held the family together. It was only when he was an adult that Sanghera learned that his father has schizophrenia and early in his marriage was violent toward Sanghera's mother. I couldn't put the book down. While I read the book to try to better understand the experience of living with schizophrenia, I also enjoyed reading about the cross-cultural experiences of a boy raised in Sikh culture in a working class British town.
3 people found this helpful
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Mickey B.
5.0 out of 5 stars EXCELLENT READ
Reviewed in Australia on 26 August 2020
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for any punajbi this is a great read and for the rest it is an insight
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cq
5.0 out of 5 stars Fascinating insight
Reviewed in France on 31 January 2009
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I enjoy the writer's columns in the Times, and he's from my own home town, so was interested to buy the book. I found it a fascinating insight into a family and a culture that I might have lived alongside but never known. Sad, funny (occasionally a bit self-indulgent,but that's Sathnam for you!)- I enjoyed reading it, and look forward to reading it again.
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Rosalind Minett, author
4.0 out of 5 stars Just short of 'absolutely excellent' Sanghera's heart-rending analysis of his ...
Reviewed in the United States on 14 February 2017
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Just short of 'absolutely excellent' Sanghera's heart-rending analysis of his own and his family's experiences as Punjabis of Wolverhampton. The intricacies of anguished family life - the intrusions, the expectations, the severe limitations - are painfully illuminated. They stand as a dramatic contrast to the angst of, say, irritations of suburban England, or public school traumas, narratives more familiar to us. Then there is the added drama of investigating the secrets or unspoken truths of this particular family. The author amazingly escaped to a 'better' life-style, only to be irrevocably drawn back to his (uprooted) roots. Uprooted, because the parents were wholly unprepared for life in England. The writing style is, from the first page, utterly engaging. I only found the pace lagged somewhere near three-quarters in. However, it was a thoroughly absorbing read.
3 people found this helpful
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