What Is Swinging? A Guide to Being in 'The Lifestyle'

From experimenting with different sex positions to bringing accessories into the bedroom, there are a plethora of steamy ways to take your sex life to the next level. However, more and more couples are flirting with the idea of non-monogamy to find fulfillment. Dating site Match.com found that half of single Americans are curious about non-monogamy.

"Some form of a non-monogamous relationship dynamic might be for you if the idea of being intimate with more than one partner excites you," said sex educator Amy Baldwin.

"Some folks choose it to spice up their current partnership with newness and aliveness while others may do so to remedy sexual or emotional needs that are not being met in their current relationship," added Baldwin

It bears noting that ethical non-monogamy can take various forms — one of which is swinging, also referred to as being in "the lifestyle." This sexual practice involves engaging in sexual activities with another couple and single people.

Here's how this particular type of consensual non-monogamy works and best practices for getting started.

The Basics of Being in "The Lifestyle"

Baldwin explained that a swinger, or someone in "the lifestyle," is typically:

• Married and/or in a committed relationship
  
• Open to engaging in sexual activity with other people
  
• Aiming to have a shared experience with their partner

That said, people in the lifestyle can be solo as well, said Susan Bratton. Swingers often gather at public or private parties (which used to be called "key parties") that are hosted in rental homes, resorts, or even cruise ships.

"Most parties allow couples and single women — known fondly as 'unicorns' — but severely throttle the number of single men who can attend because otherwise, the ratio would fall too much toward a bunch of horny guys," noted Bratton.

You can usually find lifestyle parties with a simple Google search. That said, the most important aspect of involvement is being invited in, showing up, and getting invited back over time. According to Bratton, this establishes you as a trustworthy and valuable addition to the group.

What Swinging Involves in Practice

While swinging, partners might engage in "same room" sex, which refers to all activities taking place in the same room, so partners can see each other enjoying themselves, explained Sarah Melancon.

Melancon added that this may also provide a sense of security for some. But sharing the experience doesn't necessarily mean sharing the same space. Swingers might also participate in "separate room" sex, which is exactly what it sounds like.

Although partners might go their separate ways, Baldwin said the underlying intention is generally a feeling of shared turn-on or aliveness that fuels more fire into the partnership.

Types of Swinging

According to Melancon, there are several levels (or types) of partner swapping swingers will engage in. These are the main two:

A "soft swap" involves sexual activities up to and including oral sex.

A "full swap" or "hard swap" involves most sexual activities, including intercourse — vaginal or anal, depending on preferences.

"Some couples like to start with soft swaps to get their feet wet, while others simply prefer to reserve intercourse for their romantic relationship," explained Melancon. 

She added that the level at which a couple is willing to swap could be related to preference or health concerns, like STI transmission and pregnancy risk.

Swinging vs. Open Relationships vs. Polyamory

While it might sound counterintuitive, couples who engage in swinging don't necessarily define their relationship as "open."

Baldwin said to think of "open relationship" as a bit of an umbrella term. "It can encompass everything from purely sexual, no-strings-attached experiences with multiple people to dating and/or deeper connections," she noted.

Open relationships, however, are more about satisfying each person's unique needs, while swinging is a "team effort."

As Baldwin explained, a third form of consensual non-monogamy is polyamory, which is different from swinging and open relationships in that it focuses on the building of relationships with other people outside of your primary partnership.

"It is less casual and more about love or connection, often resulting in multiple loving relationships and even multiple committed partners," Baldwin added.

How to Know if Swinging Is Right for You

According to Baldwin, if you're unclear on which type of non-monogamy appeals the most to you, reflect on a few things. Are you craving a shared experience with your partner? Then, you might want to try swinging.

Do you want to exercise your sexual freedom or autonomy outside of your current relationship? You might be more interested in an open relationship. If you want to connect with — and even love — multiple people, polyamory could be your best bet.

How to Start Swinging

Talk to your partner.

Once you've concluded that swinging is the form of non-monogamy that would work best for you, broach the conversation with your partner. 

"If they are a 'maybe' or a 'yes,' be sure to spend plenty of time learning more about how to navigate non-monogamy, as well as having plenty of clear conversations about feelings, boundaries, and needs," suggested Baldwin.

Keep in mind that getting a "yes" from your partner is crucial. 

"Both partners should have a similar interest level before trying swinging," said Melancon. "If one partner is unsure or is doing it just to make their partner happy, it is more likely to cause emotional pain and possible breakup than sexual excitement and pleasure."

Feeling pressured by your partner to engage in swinging is also a "big red flag," as Melancon pointed out.

Remember, the more communication with your partner(s), the better.

You may need to prepare yourself to communicate more than you did when you were monogamous. 

"Things become a bit more complex when we allow more people into our intimate, energetic space," said Baldwin.

For starters, you'll want to discuss the rules of the road. Talk about the level — soft, full, or hard — you're OK with. Melancon suggested saying things like, "I am comfortable with you performing oral sex but not having intercourse," and "I would find it hot to watch you have sex with another person."

Melancon advised going over safe sex practices — like using condoms, dental dams, and birth control — related to STI and pregnancy risk. Regular STI testing is recommended for anyone engaging in sex with multiple partners.

Take small steps.

Baldwin suggested starting out with "smaller, more tame experiences" — perhaps a soft swap involving just foreplay or making out, to start — and then check-in after each to tend to any challenging emotions that come up. Through each experience, you'll get a better sense of what feels the most satisfying and enlivening for you and your partner(s).