Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

How young can you die of old age?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?