A subreddit for folks nearing or over 30 who are looking for dating advice.
So on Saturday I went speed dating overall the night was fun..... (well apart from the two girls who were so drunk you can't have any form of a conversation with them)
So I hung around for drinks after the event along with a few others. The girl I'd liked the most and felt I'd clicked with stuck around and she was a little touchy feely with me, and more than once made comments about how I'd be getting something exciting in my e-mails on Monday (which I assumed to mean her number). Come Monday afternoon and it turns out she didn't tick me....
Thankfully my second favourite girl did match with me. However when I got in touch she said she was off the market now, because in the day and a half since she'd gotten together with the host of the event!
Should I be feeling a little annoyed that after paying to attend speed dating that the host is basically taking my money and using it as a way for him to pick up the girls that me and the other men are there to meet?
BRB, signing up to host speed dating events now...
Charismatic folks generally do well in social situations - so is it really all that surprising if the host were of that ilk that he'd get his pick?
Is it possible that girl #1 picked the wrong identifier for you and that if you showed to the next one she'd be hoping to see you?
Does the host "administer" the software/"ticking"/etc? Could they have more insider access to everyone and their votes/info? I would feel strange either way about some "host" taking my money and hitting on my dates, lol.
I mean, if you grease the wheel a bit when I'm host, it couldn't hurt your chances...
I presume he enters the data into what software package he uses. Whilst mistakes can happen I think it would be a dangerous game to play putting in the wrong ticks just in case we had exchanged numbers and could check if he'd done it correctly!
To be honest, the host didn't come across as being particularly charismatic or threateningly good looking. There were other guys who were attending the event that I would have expected to be more conventional attractive.
It's not impossible that she'd put marked the wrong boxes on her sheet. Although she should still have got my contact details from me ticking her. She may well go back, but there is part of me to put more money into the host's pockets!
You know what the most twisty thing about the situation is? Not that she got together with the host, but they actually became exclusive (like boyfriend and girlfriend) within a day and a half? Doesn't it take a few dates to determine if you want to be exclusive with someone? It could be that the girl is just wishfully thinking that the host would become her boyfriend after one date, or maybe she is using this as an excuse to reject guys who aren't her type. Put it this way: I am sorry she said no to you, but it's her loss for putting all her eggs in one basket after just one date with the host.
Yeah, that seemed a little weird to me. I can only assume that there was something between them before - whether she'd been to the event before and slowly got to know him or if they are 'real life' friends. Still, she's got my number and I've told her to get in touch if things don't work out!
Yeah it sounds like they’ve been dating and she was an attractive “plant” to make the event more appealing to the men.
Are you sure? In my experience you're only given their contact info if you both ticked each other.
I've been to events run by different companies and they all have slightly different ways of doing it. This one gives you contact details who people who ticked you even if you didn't pick them.
Annoyingly I got a far better hit rate with the girls who I wasn't interested in than the ones I was!
Well obviously...
Does the host actually profit from the event? I figured they are just a paid (or volunteer) person hired by the company running it.
I'm not entirely sure how it works - whether he gets a flat fee for the night, a percentage of the takings or whether it's a franchise type thing where he pays a fee to the main company for using their software then is free to do as he wishes in terms of organising venues, nights, etc.
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What were your observations on the flip side? How many men went towards the same women? Or how many men just checked every woman on the list?
Thanks for your observations - I genuinely found them very interesting. Could you by watching the interactions pick out pretty much immediately who was going to do well - other than just who appeared to be conventionally attractive?
Out of curiosity what is the "quality" (I hate I just used that word but don't know how else to say it) of the participants involved? It seems like it might be fun to do on a lark but not if I'm going to be sitting across from various crazies all night.
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Yikes! Hard pass then! Thanks!
I also would not want to date a guy who listed me as their second choice. No offense, OP
How would you know though? You just got told you've matched with no preferences involved (at least at the one I went to)
TBH speed dating sounds like a tier below OLD.
I’m a bit fascinated by it, but I don’t know any attractive women looking to pay $40 for a selection of men she could swipe through in 3 min via OLD (for free)
This is great logic and you just convinced me to never attend speed dating. Thanks.
I would go, I tend to have better connections with guys I meet in person, there are too many options online and it gets to be overwhelming and I end up not doing much with it.
In my experiences guys tend to go on their own hoping to meet someone. Girls tend to go together in groups thinking it's a fun night out with the possibility of meeting someone. You'd be surprised how many attractive women do turn up!
I'd be a bit annoyed, but it also may have been accidental?
I've been to speed dating a couple times. Won't go to one I have to pay for anymore. They were fun events but nothing really ever came from it and it's only marginally better than OLD because you are meeting in person right away.
The one that I really liked which was a free event was a slightly different format. The men and women are in groups(of the same sex) moving to different stations that have some type of activity/ice breaker. You're not plunked down in front of someone so it feels like a more natural way of meeting like at a pub or social event, but you know everyone there is potentially looking for someone. At the end it was just up to you to go ask for numbers if you hit it off with someone. Thought it was a way better method of running it.
I get what you're saying.... I've got to the age now where I kind of assume that everyone I meet when I'm out is taken. At least with speed dating you assume that everyone is available and looking for a relationship.
There is a local meet-up like that. It is for singles, so you know everyone there is looking. But the activities are things like board game nights, hiking trips, trivia nights, etc. The host is great and I really enjoy going to the events.
So a day and half, and she's gotten together with the host. Why do I smell a scam here?
Great little side hustle for a pimp and his hoes.
Turn tricks Monday thru Friday then run loaded speed dating events on Saturday.
Sunday is for church, of course. Thots and players.
I wondered that but then why would she admit to it. I guess she might have known him anyway and went along to make him jealous, but something feels a little funny about the entire situation.
No I mean if the two of them were in on it together. He's the host and he uses her to have another woman there to mingle in case they are running low on women, then she gets a cut.
Yes, this is a big problem with this type of event. You really don't know if the others involved actually paid to be there. As much as I like the idea of meeting a bunch of people in person to assess compatibility, I just don't think the process is transparent enough.
I've been that woman because they were running low on women before. I didn't get paid, but I got my attendance fee comped. I wasn't keen to meet other people to date, but I also thought, "Oh, a free thing to do to help someone out, why not?"
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You mean I'm not supposed to start the conversation by asking them what their favourite type of dinosaur is?
Lol. Pachycephalosaurus.
This answer would invariably weed out the idiots and identify Land Before Time fans.
I asked the question and got given the answer of a shark!
Sharks of today are descended from sharks that lived during the same time period as dinosaurs, so its sort of not entirely wrong? Personally even if its not actually a dino I'd have found that answer appealing. :D
Oh lord
Omg! Well, I’m that case you clearly needed to ask!
"Please, everyone knows Dinosaurs aren't real" keep a straight face
I went to one speed dating event a couple years ago. It was a complete waste of time. What, exactly, is the difference between speed dating and the swiping apps? Nothing I could discern.
With speed dating you've got four awkward minutes to spend with them even though they've decided they're too good for you! I'm sure some charmers can turn the situation around slightly in that time.
LOL social reject land!
Ya, I did it once. the only woman I had any interest in was only there because she wanted her cousin who is divorced to get out and meet people. Granted the one good catch was single and looking but I doubt she matched up with anyone there.
FWIW: The hosts for those things are hired because they are super sociable and can get a group of strangers to chat. I'm honestly not surprised.
Here's the deal. These things tend to happen at bars. Most people there are rejects. Thing is, you know that there will be single people there. So just show up and after the event talk to any attractive person that is at the speed dating thing when they get free to order a drink. Just play dumb and ask what he group is there for. Quickly moves into, "so you're single?" chat.
talk about a great way to meet singles ... LOL. There is no reason whatsoever to pay for those things.
I have to disagree with the social rejects idea. That wasn’t my experience at all.
I tried it once, after a long break from dating - I wanted to practice social skills and chatting face-to-face again. I went with another single friend who was a bit burned out from OLD, we thought it would be something fun and new to try. Chatting to the other women there, it was the same for them. They were there with friends, trying a new experience and having fun together. Half the fun was chatting with my friend afterwards, talking about each mini date.
I have to say it was a really good night. There were definitely about three men who were possibly there because they found it really hard to meet someone - most likely because of poor social skills. Same with about one girl that I remember. I still wouldn’t call them social rejects though, that’s a bit much.
But the rest of the crowd seemed to be just regular people having fun, trying a face-to-face event instead of just endless swiping on profiles. There was something great about being at an event where everyone was actively looking for people to engage with - unlike at a bar where you don’t necessarily know who is single and looking. It was just pretty much OLD but with the added fun of it being in person.
I had a great time, enjoyed a lot of the conversations. Went on a few dates out of it, but ultimately none of them worked out (I really wasn’t ready to date again, I took another break for a year).
I’m in a relationship now, but if single I’d definitely give one of these nights a try again. It was just a good experience, something much more personal than OLD.
Ya, your right. Most are not social rejects. Some of them though .... ya. Single for a reason.
In my experience, very few people came with friends. 24 total. I came wit ha friend and only one other pair were friends. So 20 of the 24 were there alone.
I've considered doing it again but will never go do it solo.
I once auditioned for a TV daring game show because I knew all the women waiting to audition would be single haha. I got into trouble by the show organisers by asking for a girls number while we were waiting.
That is fucking hilarious!
Speed dating is bullshit for several reasons. In no particular order:
Forces people to be shallow. "What do you do?" "How much do you make?"
Focuses on looks. Let's face it, in 5 minutes you don't "click". More like, "man this girl is hotter than the previous."
Incredibly boring conversation. Most people talk about weather, listing gargantuan amount of hobbies and places they have been, trying too hard to show that they are cool.
In a word, it's pretentious as fuck and you pay 40 dollars without drinks.
It's a prey on desperation. Matches work like Tinder. If you are conventionally hot, you don't need it. If not, it won't get you the matches you need.
Read articles on the events. I did and ignored the advice even though in hindsight I should have.
I felt most bad for the woman that was a highly educated doctor. You could tell her entire life was studying and her career. She had no idea how to socialize and have fun. Not unattractive but not for me either.
Anyways, next time I go (which will be never again) I am bringing the most random list of questions in my head like "What's your favorite kind of dinosaur?"
I'm in a college town and have met some women like that. Super smart and driven, but they seemed to have zero free time for hobbies let alone dating. Met some nursing students like that and several PhD students as well. I love the intelligence, but want someone who has time to actually date me.
The problem with a lot of doctors and lawyers and MBAs is that they think they are incredibly smart. But in reality, nope. Their knowledge base is quite specialized and MBAs don't learn much but BS. Their egos are hurt as soon as they realize that someone can be much more smarter than they are without those titles.
I believe many many years ago when a friend begged me to go with him to a speed dating event, my opening line was : I'm a security guard trying to build my own startup.
Absolutely hilarious night. Most girls wrote me off after that and looked elsewhere.
Funny one was set up by a friend months later to go on a blind date with me. I knew who she is, she forgot who I was. She was so embarrassed seeing me and just ran away. :)
If she's 1) female and 2) a doctor, she shouldn't have any problem with dating unless something is really off.
Nah guys don't really care as much about career.
As a guy in his thirties, I strongly disagree. I will sooner date a doctor of average looks way before I'll date a smokin' CNA.
I stand by what I said. Doctors are desirable to both sexes because people are attracted to intelligence, hard work, and a high salary.
The conversations are as boring as you make them be! My approach is try to ask one silly question to make me stand out - 80% of girls may well decide I'm a big no based on that, but for the other 20% I'm the interesting one they remember!
1/5.
And that's the odds if we assume every girl who believes the conversation is interesting will match you based on that.
Let's say half : 1/10.
Then let's say I'd like half of those. (I'm being incredibly generous here): 1/20.
Yea not a game I'd play. But your mileage will vary. :)
That's always been my approach to OLD. I know my value. If someone can't like me for me, on to the next. And there's always a next. I'd much rather meet a person I click with than be generic and waste both of our time. I don't think a wide net approach to any kind of dating is all that great, unless you're just looking to hook up. Then in that case, go for it.
I would get totally drunk for this, then it would be fun.
I hope this isn’t too harsh.. but with your negative attitude towards speed dating..it’s no wonder it doesn’t work for you.
With your logic, any “chance” meeting you might have with a potential date is doomed. If you think everyone in the room is boring, maybe it’s you who could be putting in better effort.
No it's not harsh at all. You don't have to agree with me. If it works for you, then that's great man.
A few things though:
It's not an attitude problem. This is a classic Reddit/society response when things don't work out. BE positive and it will change the odds. And they are infinitesimally right, being positive changes the odds ever so slightly: 5% => 5.5%. Being confident is a different story, according to Dr.Cuddy. - House
I don't think everyone's boring, it's my experience. All data has its limitations. Personal data has a lot of it. However in this case, it reflects the general experience. The most asked first question on speed dating is "What do you do?".
To be honest I don't have much speed dating experience. It is more a comment of your attitude of meeting someone new for the first time with little to no context.
Meeting someone at a bar/grocery store/laundromat could all start with a similar question of "what do you do?", and whether or not there is a conversation will be dependant on whether they are physically attracted to you. People want to be attracted to the person they are dating regardless if you are on tinder, speed dating, or meeting any other way.
So unless you can strap someone to a chair for a few months and convince them how great of a guy you are, I am not sure why speed dating should be written off.
I'm sure there are some (relatively) boring people who speed date, but they are also people who are going out and taking a chance at putting themselves out there.
Okay lets break this down. As someone said above me, no beautiful desirable woman is going to PAY to attend one of these for a few hours when she can swipe through the same batch of dudes on her couch in moments.
Therefore, youre essentially looking at a lower tier of desirable women at these things (and men for that matter--so chill out feminists). For dudes, unless youre desperate, there is no reason to attend one of these things. You are literally better off of Tinder because at least there you can cast your net on SOME desirable women (none of which go to speed dating events)
lol @ the downvotes. looks like I hit a little too close to home with the bottom tier ladies
Harsh but true. However at least you get to talk to people at those events even if they don’t find you initially attractive. On Tinder they’d just swipe left and that’s it.
I have to politely disagree, I've met beautiful desirable women through speed dating. Whilst men tend to go on their own, women go in groups with their other single friends treating it as a big of a giggle and something fun today. Yeah, they would undoubtedly get ridiculous numbers of hits on Tinder, etc, but they've gone to speed dating for the experience as much as anything.
oh wow - that's kind of a conflict of interest. take the money and the date... wth?
As an introvert, speed dating looks like a fucking nightmare
I’m a major introvert. Had a blast speed dating, it was a lot of fun. Maybe you’re mixing up speed dating and shyness or social anxiety?
As an introvert it was ideal, lots of one-on-one intimate conversations rather than a group setting or a regular bar with lots of people and noise.
Give it a go. I often find it hard to speak to people I don't know, but throwing yourself into events like this have definitely helped me!
Confession: once ran a speed dating event, picked up a guy on the third night, never hosted another one again. 🤷♀️
No, it sounds like a normal thing to happen. Just keep keeping on.
This sounds like a bs excuse. How does she get together with someone else within a day and a half? Did she just decide to go home with the guy who was HOSTING the event?
I remember a speed dating service in Denver, was often offering free spots to men because they always had more women signing up. I still never went 😅 but I was tempted a few times.
Just go to wine tasting events and mingle for free.
You had fun and was able to connect with people, that's a win in my books. Just keep doing things like this and you'll find the one eventually or at least you'd get to keep having fun!
I've been to 3 speed dates. I had a lot of fun each time. The first one I matched and dated a really awesome, beautiful woman, but didn't ultimately end up working out. The other two I wrote down and matched with someone, but didn't go anywhere.
What was interesting is that I was talking after the last one, and the girl hosting said I would be a good host. Told me they made a flat fee, but mostly it was just a good way to get dates, which I thought was funny.
I can see how it would be perceived to pay for a service only to have them usurp your potential matches. However, my perspective is that if it's going to work out that person shouldn't make a difference either.
Generally the pool of people varied pretty wide, but I always found one person I was at least interested to know more about. What was hilarious is that a very disproportionate amount of people worked remote. Speed dating was a nice social interaction that they craved. Disclosure: I also work remote. Heh.
Maybe e-mail the host about Girl #1? He's off the market so worth a shot, lol.
No, don't be annoyed.
I suspect they get plenty of messages along the lines of "number X said they'd tick me but I haven't matched can you send me their number". And I suspect they ignore every last one of them!
TRUE
I mean, it doesn't sound like a total waste, sounds like you got a few leads out of it.
I would ask the host to double check. Then, after (if) he confirms she fibbed, I’d mention that you were surprised HE participated in the event. Grr!
What a twist!
That's just stupid
That host is pretty savage tho.
I think the better question is, "Should I be asking reddit to tell me how I feel about something?"
I always wanted to try speed dating for the experience.
I don't think you should be mad the host picked someone up. Why can't he?
Sounds like the better man won. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
If you think girl one like you, why didn't you just ask her out on a date?
In retrospect I should have got her number when I left. But I was giddy with the expectation of matching with her so I didn't. You live and you learn....
Yeah that’s sucks. Heard about the hosts taking the dates for themselves and getting mates in on it to. Not good OP.
You shouldn't - to each their own. If he is single, willing to host the event for the benefit of many, and just so happens to find someone there he is compatible with, then thats pretty good for him!
I've gone to speed dating a few times, and I really enjoyed it, even though I've only once had a date come out of it and it didn't work out. What I did get from it was the opportunity to sell myself and learn to have more conversations with people that I might not otherwise.
Well, he's willing to host the event for the benefit for his paycheck! Thirty odd people paying 20 a head with minimal costs associated to the night....
He ain't dating them all! He found a connection with someone at the event, and so did she. She paid $20 to go there and maybe meet someone and she did. You can be sore that she picked the host over the participants - it's as much her choice as his...but I don't see anything wrong with two people who are attracted to each other dating, even if one was making money hosting the event.
Unless you are overwhelmingly conventionally attractive and/or bursting with ridiculous (and immediately apparent) charisma, any type of activity you engage in that gives the impression that you are desperate or don't have multiple women to choose from is going to start you off on an INCREDIBLY negative footing.
Participating in a speed-dating event as a man indicates that you are not successful in approaching and engaging with women on your own. Attraction-killer.
What does it say about the women that participate in them then?
Or just that you're new to the area and figured it was a fun way to meet people?
I've found that the attractive charismatic men tend to be cheaters so I'd rather have a sincere wholesome man who is shy
Im going to my first speed dating event in a couple weeks..:i’m more nervous all the girls will be fat and 3 and below. If i see that i’ll just walk right out.
You sound charming.
Work hard for my body, dont want to waste time with people who are lazy and dont do the same. Though i dont mind skinny. As long as they arent fat
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“cares.” Hope I helped with your punctuation.
If his helps one girl here start dieting than i disagree.
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