A subreddit for folks nearing or over 30 who are looking for dating advice.
tl;dr: It's like Tinder with no ability to left-swipe.
For the past year or so, I have been gently trying to encourage a friend to get back out there after a pretty devastating break up of a long relationship two years ago. She hasn't been ready, but a few months back she told me she was interested in trying speed dating! She didn't want to go by herself and asked if I'd go with her, so of course I said I would. The event we signed up for was cancelled due to lack of sign-ups...then cancelled again...then again...fast forward three months and we finally signed up for an event that went forward. At this point, I'm in an exclusive relationship but I didn't want to abandon my friend and the guy I'm dating said he was cool with the whole thing, so I just went ahead.
We showed up to this bar and were given a little sheet of paper with lines to write people's names (plus an ID number) and columns to rate them. At the bottom of the sheet, you could list five people you were interested in matching with. We were told that mutual matches would be set up via email.
Everyone then sat down across from each other and started talking. After seven minutes, the host announced the end of the "date" and all of the men got up and shifted one down.
There were a total of five guys and six women at the event. The five guys appeared to range in age from mid- to late-twenties up to late forties or early fifties (hard to tell). A few of the folks had been to multiple speed dating events. Of the five guys, only one was a person I would have right-swiped on a dating app. It was kind of hard to concentrate on what your "date" was saying, because you could hear all the other conversations to your left and right. The weirdest thing was hearing guys use the exact same lines with the women on your left and right! Come on dudes, kinda hard to run that game when all the dates are lined up a foot and a half apart.
Overall, this doesn't seem like a great use of time. I spoke with one woman before the whole thing started about how she preferred speed dating to online dating because you got to evaluate chemistry in person and could hear the person's voice...but I think online dating is a much more efficient use of time. The chemistry evaluations I made in person 100% aligned with the swipe decisions I would have made on an app. Plus, on apps you know that you already have mutual interest with a person by the time you start messaging and go on a date. That's not the case for speed dating events. In all, it took about forty minutes to speed date five people, and only seven minutes were spent with a person I found engaging. It would have taken me about forty seconds to left-swipe four people, and probably ten or fifteen minutes of cumulative time to text enough with the fifth guy to set up an actual date IRL (or realize that we are not well-matched).
Curious whether anyone else has tried this and what they thought!
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There's your problem right there... Sounds like a pretty sketchy event with so few people there?
Most of the speed dating events I have seen had around 30 - 100 people or more signed up....
Apparently the organizers expected a few more people, so they gave me free admission to another event in the future.
Five people was way too few, but having to repeat the mediocre dates 30 times would be horrific! 20 or so seems like about the max I'd be able to handle.
At a well organized speed dating event, you only have a few minutes with each person, enough to get a quick impression then move on, so not really a "date" per say but a really quick job interview ;-)
They do tend to get monotonous I agree, having the same exact conversations over and over again...
That seems less informative than online dating! I don't know, I'm open to trying this again but it just doesn't seem like a good or fun use of time!
Yeah it kinda pre-dates online dating, but is still popular with people who value an initial first impression.
I'm not sure where the poster attending her event but I have a friend who helps host these events and in Australia at least it's notoriously difficult to get men to attend, to the point where free drinks and food is basically the only way to attract the interest of a big enough variety of men (i.e. not just the permanently single guys who routinely attend these. Apparently there's a type).
I'm in Baltimore! I didn't get a good sense for whether one gender or the other has worse turnout.
I'd like to do speed dating at least once. I feel like it probably works best if you're attracted to a wide range of physical types; if you're got a real specific type, online dating seems more practical. I've met plenty of people on apps who have shared interests but are so boring they can't hold a conversation, so finding that out from the get-go seems like a nice change.
I agree regarding having a wide attraction to types! Curious how you end up on dates with folks who can't converse though. Do you chat a fair bit on the app before meeting?
I usually talk to them for a couple days. I work part time in comic and video game art, so I attract a lot of geeky guys - I'm all for chatting about comics, but there's quite a few people into them who don't have many other interests, and that's where they lose me. Gotta be well rounded. Harder to prescreen for it because they'll mention other interests but then when you talk to them in person it's all stuff they tried once and never did again.
Everything's got a flip side though! Sometimes I meet guys in person and they just assume that's not a "real" job and get condescending about it being for kids, so I'd probably get more of that.
That makes sense re: the comic book type. I always chuckle when someone lists something as an interest but it turns out it's just a hobby they are thinking about starting one day, some time.
I have a friend who manages a comic book store and it seems like a really fun job!
This gives me a bit of hope :). I hate dating apps and haven't had good experiences with them. I signed up for speed dating here in about six weeks thinking it'd be a good foray back into the dating world after having spent a few months getting over the last breakup, and all of these responses about how shitty it is are making me rethink it!
It's worth a shot...maybe your experience will be different from mine. You should post after you do it!
Fucking lol
True story.
(Also, if that girl I talked to at the event is on this sub, you seemed cool and we should hang out!)
You should have put her name on a match! :)
Haha!
i went to a f**k Tinder night, it was like group speed dating with stand up comedy. And got chatting to one of the guys who was at my table. wish i had been like - dude lets go hang out and try pull in real life. but i didnt. chatting up guys is scarier than women haha
Speed dating is the same shit show as OLD.
It's only good if you need to get used to talking to strangers. Use it as practice. Not as a way to get dates. Chances are you won't find anyone here worth while.
Best trick .... these events always end at a bar. Just show up at the bar "coincidentally". These people all have conversation starters stuck to their shirt (the name tags). You can then strike up a conversation about all the stupid name tags and what is going on. I almost did this but my one friend couldn't make it. We were going to go there and hit on any person we found attractive.
Oh my gosh, this is such a great idea! You can get the shell-shocked folks coming off of their awkward encounters and benefit from the low bar that has been set.
Yup ..... if you are a good talker and half attractive, you can step right in. The best part, you know they are all single!
"What's the event?" "Speed Dating." "Oh cool, any luck?" "Not really" "What was the most interesting question?" "They all asked what I do for a living" "I would have asked what your favorite kind of dinosaur is" chuckles "How much time do you talk?" "5 minutes" "How do you get a date with someone beyond this?" "You have to agree on paper to want to see eachother and the service hooks you up". "So, we've been talking for 3 minutes .... how do I get a date with you?"
It's just so ripe for flirtation.
The host might be pissed but once they go to the bar area ... what can he/she really do to stop it?
This is the best way to do speed dating, IMO.
haha
Hell, even if you actually do the speed dating, ending up at the bar is definitely the point. Definitely don't skip that part!
My friend and I did end up chatting with a group of men at the bar after! 😂
I tried speed dating once. I found it to be a complete waste of time.
I tried speed dating once and I was surprised how much I didn't like it! I am very much a "people person" and have done speed networking events at work before.
I didn't like how little time I had with each guy and how it felt like a competition between the women (and I'm assuming the men!). I felt pressured to "be better" than the other women I was seeing in the room for some reason (so they would pick me!). I think that stemmped from the very little amount of time I had to have a conversation with each guy too....we only had 5 minutes with each guy and it went by SO FREAKING FAST.
I got a couple of matches from it...went on a date with one of the two and it just fizzled quick. Never felt inclined to try it again.
This is a really good summary I think! I didn't expect to dislike it because I think I'm a pretty engaging conversationist. But it was unpleasant on a bunch of levels!
Hmmmm I am going to one in three weeks. I have no expectations other than the elimination round.
You should post an update!
That would be interesting.... If only I could remember to do that 😀
Do it!
That's by design. You're supposed to give people a try who you would normally not give a chance and they try to charm you. They could build in a swipe right feature, but that would piss off a lot of people who would show up for no reason and never talk to people.
Yeah, I did not like that aspect. I date outside my type a fair bit, but beyond one or two standard deviations from my mean there just isn't going to to be any relationship potential. 80% of the people at this event fell into that category for me.
Its probably important to remember that most people are exceptionally bad at right/left swiping with any sort of reasonable mindset behind it. Just incapable of right swiping on people who might be good for them, or left swiping on those who would definitely be bad.
Speed dating can give those people a chance to step outside those bad patterns a bit and try a new approach.
Which means if anything one of the benefits is that you, even if its worse for you, might meet someone you match well with that you wouldn't on OLD because they are a shitty matcher.
That's true.
I disagree on this. Chemistry and "visual attraction" are 2 completely different things.
Most of my girlfriends would never swipe me right, yet they dated me because we met out there and I charmed them. Some were much hotter than me.
Or vice versa, one of my gf wasnt my type at all (I would have 1000% swiped her left), but her voice and the way she spoke were so incredibly sexy, that the minute I met her I was smitten, it was so instant. You cant see things like this online.
Fof example I have huge problem online - girls I find physically attractive dont find me attractive. And those who find me attractive, I dont find attractive. There is no chemistry involved - its just and only about pure physical attraction, and its impossible for me to get a match I am actually excited about (I am pretty sure many people feel the same).
I dont have this problem in real life at all. Because in real life its about chemistry - not only about look, look is just part of it. And chemistry is wonderful, unpredictable, magical thing.
I'm not saying chemistry is entirely a physical judgment. But the folks I met last night lacked both physical attractiveness and personality compatibility, both of which would have been evident from a look at their online profiles.
They both have their pros and cons. It is kinda nice to meet people in person but like you said you'll get stuck for a bit of time without a swipe left. From the few times I've gone speed dating I'd say the results are about the same as OLD.
It's nice to change it up every once in a while though.
True. And you definitely end up being forced to meet people you wouldn't have gone for, so if you are looking to expand your horizons this is a good way to be forced to do it.
Speed dating is a very good way of practising dating skills. Finding a relationship is not less demanding than finding a dream job. The way you sit, the way you introduce your self / elevator speech , topics to discuss depending on interests of next person is a good art and in speed dating you can practise that. The best thing I have learned after many speed dating events is the to know if that guy is faking or really into you. It is funny.
These are definitely good points. Looking at it as a skills exercise is a good perspective.
So it's like OLD but you actually get to talk to other people?
I might have to try that!
Sure, you might like it!
I'm going on tuesday. Just signed up because i'm curious to see what its like. I dont hold out much hope for it, similar to my lack of hope with tinder and the like.
Good luck! Hope it goes well!
me too. it was sold out for the ladies. I'll just be going myself though so not sure if that looks a bit weird or not but i dont care. I dont have any single friends so what are you supposed to do.
I don't think it looks weird to go yourself. I was the only person at my event who came with a friend.
If anything, it will make a fun story!
I met my fiancé speed dating! But ours was different we had an entire restaurant and there were 25 guys and 25 girls. I couldn't really hear other people as we were all at different tables. I really enjoyed the real life connection instead of being online. I feel like online I'm more judgy of things I don't like that aren't deal breakers. When I was at speed dating it was great to just feel a connection with people. With our service they also emailed us 50 conversation starters so people wouldn't have the same opening line with everyone.
That sounds like a much better service than the one here. I'm getting the sense the event I attended shouldn't have even gone forward with only 11 people total. What year did you do this?
5 guys and 6 girls is definitely not enough. That’s less than 30 minutes if each person gets 3 minutes with each person. I’m going to my first ever speed dating event tonight. So I’ll see how many people are there
How was it?
I had a pretty bad time... The event description said it was for 20-30 year olds but the men looked way over 40. The event description said it came with a drink, which made sense because the ticket was $30, but the bartender said I'd have to open a tab or pay for it there. One of the really old guys brought me a drink and said a really inappropriate, sexual comment to me about my boobs when he gave it to me. I had a pretty bad time. The whole thing felt really inappropriate and it's like the guys kept getting worse and worse one after the other. It's like they got older and creepier.
Ugh, I’m really sorry to hear this.
Have you stopped to consider what it is about you men can commit to? Maybe the guys who are not engaging during the event would be on a date and vice versa Maybe they were nervous and not just you. Try considering other ppl’s feelings rather than your own. Ask yourself truly what do you bring to the table? Are you engaging and fun to talk to? Are you even pretty? I feel really sorry for the guys there, they get judged so hard!!! And so harshly too.
You seem to be turning this to personal attacks, which I'm not going to engage. I haven't had issues meeting people online or in real life and have not lacked for relationships except when I have taken purposeful breaks.
My intention is not to suggest that all people who speed date would make bad partners in general. Just that as a participant in speed dating, you have no ability to filter out people who are inappropriate for you personally.
Right you have no problems in dating men who offer themselves at you yet you are single in your thirties. It seems you are not happy with anyone so how could you be happy with speed dating? Why were you there to begin with if you are doing so well?
As I said, I was supporting a friend who had a terrible breakup.
You have a lot of anger. I am sorry for you.
I do have a lot of anger. I hate that as a male we have to put SOO much effort to attract a girl who has nothing to offer back. We have to do everything and then shamed for everything we do. It’s a real struggle. Meanwhile women just sit back criticise and expect things from men and offer nothing back. We live at a time when female privilege is at an all time high and it’s killing the modern dating scene as a result. I’m commenting on a more deeper level to your speed dating post so they are very related.
I'm sorry you've been having such a rough go of things. Do you think women might be picking up on all the resentment you feel towards them?
Proof that looks trump all
How did you get that from any of what was written?
She said she would swipe left on all them in 40 seconds
Snap judgements are going to be mostly looks based
If she said 5 seconds sure. 40 seconds is enough time to read someone's profile.
It was 40 seconds cumulative for all 4
Even still a short blurb on a dating site is far from an accurate/complete view of someones personality
The truth is women are just as looks driven as men
It begins with physical attractiveness, that's for sure. If you don't have that you're in trouble.
Personality determines how long the relationship will last.
Not sure where you got that. OLD includes profile text.
You said you would left swipe them in 40 seconds
Reading a 10 second blurb doesnt give an accurate or complete view of someones personality
I cant see how anyone can deny OLD is mostly about looks
Based on my conversations with these folks IRL, their profiles would have pretty quickly indicated our lack of compatibility.
Ur saying you can understand how a convo with go with a person based on a 40 sec reading of their profile? This right here is why online dating doesn’t work for men and why women can’t find good men because of snap judgements like these that don’t even give men a chance.