How to Know if Your Girlfriend Is Cheating on You

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: February 5, 2024 Approved

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If you’re worried that your girlfriend is cheating, you’re probably feeling really hurt and frustrated right now. Fortunately, there are ways you tell if your girlfriend could be cheating. Watch her behavior to see if she's being secretive, pulling away from you, and improving her looks. Additionally, look for changes in your relationship, such as less intimacy. If you suspect she’s cheating, talk to her about your suspicions to be sure. Keep in mind that she could show multiple signs of cheating but still be innocent.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship expert, Kelli Miller, licensed psychotherapist and award-winning author. Check out the full interview here.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Looking for Changes in Your Relationship

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Listen for complaints about you or your relationship. When someone is cheating, they often start to blame the other person so they don’t have to feel guilty. Notice if your girlfriend starts to point out issues in your relationship or complains about ways you aren’t being a good partner. ^{[1]
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- This could be a sign she’s trying to blame you for her cheating.
- She might say things like, “You never listen to me!” “The romance is dead in our relationship!” or “I see you talking to other girls all the time.”
2
Ask questions about sudden changes in her schedule. If she’s cheating, she’ll need time to spend with her new partner, so her schedule will change. Notice if she’s working late often or suddenly has little time for you. She might be spending that time with a new partner.^{[2]
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- For instance, she might say she’s working late even though she’s never had to do that before. Similarly, she might suddenly be traveling for work despite not getting a pay bump.
- Don’t automatically assume she’s cheating just because her schedule changes. For instance, she might work more hours if she wants a promotion or she might take up a new hobby to improve herself. It’s okay for her to do new things.
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3
Look for a change in affection and your sexual relationship. If she’s cheating, she may suddenly lose interest in being intimate with you or she may have more desire for intimacy. Look for dramatic changes in how often you kiss, touch, and have sex. This could be a sign she’s cheating.^{[3]
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- On the one hand, she might not want to be intimate with you as often. In this case, she might pull away when you kiss her or show no interest in sex.
- However, she might suddenly be much more affectionate and may want sex more often. She may even show off some new sexual moves.
4
Notice if she seems unwilling to open up to you. Normally, couples talk about their problems and their goals for the future. However, your girlfriend might not want to open up to you if she’s feeling emotionally distant from you or she’s talking to a new partner. Consider if she’s suddenly talking to you less. Additionally, ask her questions about what’s going on in her life to see if she’ll open up.^{[4]
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- You might ask, “How has work been lately?” “Are you excited about the upcoming holidays?” “You’ve seemed stressed lately. What’s on your mind?”

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Watching Her Behavior

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Notice if she’s being secretive with her phone or computer. Watch how she handles her phone and computer around you. See if she tries to hide the screen from you when she's using her device. Additionally, notice if she gets upset if you come near her while she’s on her device. This might be a sign that she's cheating.^{[5]
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- If she’s cheating, she’ll likely communicate with her new partner using her electronic devices. She’ll want to keep these communications secret, so she’ll get upset if she thinks you might see them.
- It's normal for your girlfriend to want to keep her phone private, so don't assume that she's cheating just because she doesn't want you checking her phone.
- If you share a device with your girlfriend, you might notice that she’s deleting messages a lot. This might also be a sign of cheating.
2
Watch for signs she’s paying more attention to her appearance. It’s possible that your girlfriend just wants to look her best because she values herself. However, sudden changes in her appearance and efforts to improve her look could be a sign that she’s cheating. Notice if she’s working out more or buying new clothes. Similarly, look for changes in her hairstyle and makeup routine.^{[6]
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- For instance, she might lose weight at the gym or buy a new wardrobe.
- Keep in mind that she might be doing this for herself. Don’t assume that your girlfriend is cheating just because she wants to look her best.
3
Make public displays of affection (PDA) to see if she avoids them. If your girlfriend is cheating, she’ll likely start to pull away. She may feel uncomfortable acting like a couple in public. Notice if she suddenly starts pulling away when you try to hold her hand, hug her, or give her a kiss. It might be a sign that she’s cheating.
- As an example, let’s say you normally hold hands while you’re walking around in public. She may suddenly start pulling her hand away. Similarly, she might turn away when you try to kiss her on the cheek or step back when you go in for a hug.
- Don’t worry about this if you’ve never been a couple who engages in PDA.
4
Watch for closed body language when you talk to her. It's possible that closed body language might be a sign of guilt over cheating or anger at you over problems in your relationship. Look for closed body language when you're talking to her to see if she may be feeling guilt or anger. Here are some things to look for:^{[7]
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- Avoiding eye contact
- Folding her arms over her chest
- Turning away from you
5
Check for periods of time when your girlfriend isn’t available. If she’s with someone else, she likely won’t take your calls or answer your texts. Additionally, she may be vague about where she is. Consider if you suddenly have trouble getting in touch with your girlfriend or if she disappears for long periods of time. It could be a sign she’s cheating.^{[8]
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- For instance, she might disappear on Friday night from 6 p.m. to 10 p.m. with no explanation.
- Before you assume that she’s cheating, consider if she’s recently gone through some life changes. For instance, if your girlfriend is working full-time and recently started attending school, she might just be really busy.
6
Listen to see if she talks about a new friend. While it’s totally okay for your girlfriend to form new friendships, sometimes a new “friend” can be a romantic partner. Notice how she talks about this new person and how much time she seems to spend with them. If she can’t stop talking about them or wants to hang out with them a lot, it’s possible she’s cheating with them.^{[9]
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- As an example, she might say things like, “Alex is so creative! Let me tell you what happened at work today.”
- Keep in mind that it’s healthy for your girlfriend to have friends, and it’s important to trust her. Don’t assume that every new friend is a threat to your relationship.
- If the person is just a friend, she should be open with you about the relationship. Additionally, she should tell that person about you.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Talking to Your Girlfriend

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1
Tell your girlfriend about your suspicions. You’re probably really nervous about talking to your girlfriend, but it’s the only way to know for sure if she’s cheating. Explain that you care about your relationship and are worried that something is wrong.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist

Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Then, say that you think she might be cheating and why you suspect that.^{[11]
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- You might say, “I really love you and want to have a future together. Lately, I’ve been worried that our relationship might be changing. I’ve noticed that you aren’t as affectionate, disappear for hours at a time, and are spending more time on your appearance. These behaviors have me worried that you’re cheating.”
- You could also say, "I'm having some fears that you're going outside of the relationship. Can we talk about this in an open and honest way?"^{[12]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- It can be tough to juggle so many negative emotions, but it's important to go into the conversation with neutral intent. In some cases, it could just be a big misunderstanding.^{[13]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
2
Expect her to get upset when you confront her about cheating. She’ll likely get upset when you bring up the topic of cheating, whether she is or isn’t. Reassure her that you’re trying to help your relationship and deserve the truth. Then, give her a chance to explain what’s going on.^{[14]
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- You could say, “I see that you’re upset, and that’s not my intention. I want to make things better for us, but I need to know the truth.”
3
Listen to her side of the story. There may be a perfectly valid reason for her behavior, so give her a chance to explain. Don’t interrupt her while she’s talking and encourage her to say all she needs to say. Additionally, paraphrase what she said so she knows you were listening.^{[15]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist

Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- Say, “It sounds like you’ve been questioning our relationship,” or “It sounds like you’ve just had more things on your plate than I realized.”
- These listening techniques help you clearly understand one another, and leave less room for misinterpretation.^{[17]
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  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- You might want to break up with her if she is cheating. However, listening to her side and thinking things over gives you a chance to make the best decision for you.
4
Check for signs that she may be lying to you. It's really hard to tell when someone is lying, but there are a few signs you can look for. First, consider how she normally acts in a conversation with you. Then, look for differences in the way she's talking to you when you ask her about cheating. Here are some indications that she might be telling a lie:^{[18]
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Trustworthy Source

American Psychological Association
Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists

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- Her body language suddenly changes when you ask her about cheating.
- She starts squirming, fidgeting, or pulling away.
- Her sentence structure changes to longer, more confusing sentences.
- She breaks eye contact.
- Her facial expression changes.
- She blushes, bites her lip, flares her nostrils, or sweats.
- She talks either faster or slower and her tone changes.
5
Decide whether or not you’re willing to continue the relationship. Whether or not she admits to cheating, you need to figure out if this relationship is what’s best for you. You deserve to feel secure in your relationship, so think about whether or not you feel like you can trust her. Then, decide if you want to work on the relationship or end it.^{[19]
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- Remember—cheating doesn't have to mark the end of a relationship. It can also be a very beautiful beginning!^{[20]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- If she admits to cheating, ask yourself if that’s something you can get over. If it’s not, it might be best to move on.
- Consider asking your girlfriend to work on things with you. If she shows an interest in saving your relationship, it might be worth trying to make things work.
- You could also suggest going to couple's counseling so you have a really safe place to explore everything that is going on.^{[21]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- Reader Poll: We asked 387 wikiHow readers, and 69% said that if they found out that their partner was cheating, they’d choose to end the relationship. [Take Poll]

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Expert Q&A

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Question

Why does my girlfriend never want to sleep with me?

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist

Expert Answer

Your girlfriend might be distancing herself, rather than cheating. She might have an avoidant attachment style that makes her grow distant when she sees you're getting closer. She'll do something to create space because she's not as comfortable with closeness. This could be something that you'll have to discuss in your relationship.

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Question

If my girlfriend and I get into an argument, and later I invite her over for dinner, she says no, I ask why, and she says "you figure it out", what does that mean?

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She might still be upset about the argument. Try apologizing and asking if you can talk it out.

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What if she doesn't answer right away and acts like she doesn't hear you and you have to ask her again?

Community Answer

She might genuinely not have heard you! Talk to her about how you feel. Say something like "I feel like I have to repeat myself a lot, is what I'm saying not interesting to you?" Having an open conversation is the quickest and easiest way to deal with relationship problems!

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Tips

If she doesn’t seem to want to spend time with you, it might be a sign that your relationship is over. It may be best for you to focus on your own happiness.

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Don’t blame yourself if your girlfriend is cheating on you. It’s not your fault!

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Warnings

Your girlfriend may show some signs of cheating but still not be cheating. Don’t assume that she’s cheating on you without any proof or an admission of guilt.

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Don’t violate your girlfriend’s privacy or stalk her to find out if she’s cheating.

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