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How do I [35m] support my wife [34f] when she wants a baby and I don't?
My wife and I have been married for 8 years, and we have two boys, 3 and 6. We lost a baby girl due to a genetic defect. My wife has recently been saying that she wants to have another baby, and that she feels that, "Our family is not complete." Personally, this is hurtful to me to hear that she doesn't feel that our current family is enough. I have been kind, but firm, that I don't want another baby. It would be an additional financial strain on us, and I just started a new job, so I don't need the sleepless nights again. Her period was late this month, but every test is negative, and she is despondent. How do I support her? I recognize that this is hard for her, but she pushes me away when I try to console her because she knows that I don't want another baby.
I want to help her, but I don't know how.
Edited to add: She's been pregnant three times. We lost our girl in between our two boys.
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It sounds like your wife might need therapeutic support to work through the grief of loosing the baby. Hopefully this would help her re-direct her attention away from what’s missing towards what she already has.
So many people not knowing the difference between “ loosing “ & “ losing “. /facepalm
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It’s not to change her mind, it’s to work through grief of a lost child….thats very clear in the comment.
Especially since she is saying her family is complete
Incomplete
Yeah she should divorce him and have a baby with someone else. I'm sure that would make her happy
Are you responding to me? I said zero things about her getting divorced. But go off.
She wants another baby. Let’s not act like we know what’s best for her life
Therapy isn’t a punishment and it’s not ever about changing someone’s mind. It’s about working through trauma. She should probably have done grief therapy after losing her child. Everyone can probably benefit from therapy. It’s just a tool to help you feel better.
And she might diviner through therapy she wants to find s partner to have another child with. That’s possible. It’s just a tool to help her make the right choices for her.
Therapy is NOT A PUNISHMENT.
Dude it is a marriage between two people, a partnership… it’s not just whatever she wants goes.
This is like radically not helpful lol
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Because you are implying that anything somebody “wants” is reasonable and pretty much implying that what she’s saying is ok.
Her wanting a baby in itself is ok of course. From the tone of the post though the husband is implying it feels like it stems more possibly from unresolved trauma around the loss.
Her saying things like the family doesn’t feel complete highlight that and are examples of why therapy might be a good option. Saying things like that is hurtful, especially to the boys.
That doesn't mean she gets to overrule him and force him to have a baby, went he's made it clear he doesn't want anymore kids. It's a two yes one no situation. She needs therapy, not a baby.
fun fact, most people get sad or even depressed if someone dies, especially if its their own child.
This is not a helpful comment. Do you know why she wants it? Do you know if she is dealing with trauma from the loss of a pregnancy? What if she wanted stay in bed all day and cry? Would that be ok?
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Empathetic the word I think you're looking for, not paternalistic.
What? I pig reason she probably wants another kid is because she lost her girl. She kingt even want another if her next is a boy.
She might want another 'kid' or she wants a girl specifically. So therapy could help that.
So therapy changes minds?
Therapy can assist with acceptance. A child is a 2 yes situation and he is saying no.
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Yeah but it can help a person process their grief in regards to the loss of a child.
Ugh okay, let me spell it out for you: she MIGHT want another baby because she thinks this is what will help her move on from losing their daughter. Even if she didn’t want another baby, losing one is still such a traumatic event that working it out in therapy is extremely helpful if not a necessity. Yes, she still might want another baby after therapy, but the point is to work through her trauma to have clarity on her feelings and wants after such a tragedy.
Every marriage encounters binary decisions. How you move forward says a lot about your marriage. You have said she wants a baby and you do not, and in your mind that seems to be the end of the conversation. However, she was clearly hoping to be pregnant, so I think you guys have reached different conclusions about how this is going to play out.
If she gets "accidentally" pregnant, you're going to resent her. If you stand your ground (or unilaterally have a vasectomy), she is going to resent you. Either resentment could end your marriage over time.
I think it's time for marriage counseling so you two can at least say the things you need to say to one another. You need to go deeper here. What does an "incomplete" family really mean to her? Like you guys, we had a lost pregnancy and then two children and I desperately wanted that third. I came from a larger family than my husband and believed two kids would never really learn the same skills that three would. Three children offer more as parents age. Maybe that third child is the one who would really be sympatico with your wife. Maybe a daughter to carry on the matrilineal line means something (it did to me, as I am eighth in a line of passed-down keepsakes).
For us, the money worries won. My husband and I both work in science and he talked about how birds lay the number of eggs each season that can be provided for, given the available resources. It's magic. If food is plentiful, four eggs. If not, two eggs. We were struggling to imagine funding college tuitions for two (and it was NOT cheap).
In the end, we could have done it for a sad reason: his dad died and left me money. Two years later, my own husband died. His cancer was completely out of the blue. I was grateful to have just one child in college at the time; I'm not sure I could have coped if I had a younger one still in high school.
I know all these things and still really regret not doing it. That's something I've learned to carry in my grief backpack. Realize that if you do not give in, you are handing her a boulder to carry. Likewise, if you do, she is doing the same. There is no way to share the weight. One of you needs to either reason a way to changing your emotional response, or you need to be selfish enough to insist, or selfless enough to sacrifice.
This needs to be the top comment
Fuck do I feel this. We decided on 2 for similar reasons - kids are expensive and at the time we were making the decision about a third both of our boys were diagnosed with adhd and one with profound dyslexia so we knew there would be a lot of additional financial and emotional challenges. My career was starting to take off as well, so the idea of taking a year off for mat leave at that point scared me.
My kids are now 9 and 12 and I know we made the right choice based on what we knew at the time, but fuck does it hurt sometimes. I think a lot about what our lives would have looked like with a younger child in the mix. It’s one of the few decisions in my life that I will forever regret even though it was objectively the correct decision. But because we came to the decision as a couple I don’t hold any resentment to my husband for it - it was as much my choice as his and so the grief is my own.
Three children offer more as parents age
Of course, it's wrong to have children as a kind of grow-your-own ... no, that can't be what you're suggesting. That would be wrong.
Never count on your children to take care of you. You never know what life will bring
Exactly. They have their own lives, and that's how it should be.
That nasty little driveby snipe with the most obtuse interpretation is really your chosen response? For shame.
Family provides support to aging people who need it. A larger family can provide more support. That’s really not a very fucked up thing to say.
Not in my experience.
Obviously I've struck a nerve to a commenter or two. But bringing an innocent human being into existence in a fucked-up, gun-filled, job-scarce, climate-challenged world, which is only going to get tougher, simply to provide for one's own age care is very fucked up. That's a whole human life, with all its pain and illness, unremitting work just to survive in this fucked-up economy, and the only certainty is death at the end of it.
And what if this extra caregiver needs care of their own? Or if they have kids who need care? It's a roll of the dice whether the adult child will be healthy, willing and able to provide the care that the parents have marked out for them, or whether they'll need care of some sort for their entire life.
Far better to invest that money in a retirement fund, and have good relationships with the children already here, rather than spreading the butter over too much bread.
What decent person be comfortable telling their children, in absolute seriousness, the truth - that they were brought into the world to provide old age care? What would any sane person expect as a result of that revelation?
I don’t think anyone here is suggesting that people who don’t want more children should have them exclusively as future caregivers.
This is a difficult situation, and both you and your wife deserve empathy.
First, focus on open communication. Listen actively to your wife's feelings about having another child and why she feels your family isn't complete. Validate her emotions and try to understand her perspective. Be honest and clear about your own concerns as well. Finances, your new job, and the impact on your current family are all valid reasons to hesitate.
Maybe, explore alternatives together. Consider if adoption, fostering, or spending more time with extended family could fulfill her desire for a larger family unit. There might also be room for compromise. Perhaps you can agree on a timeline to revisit the conversation, like after a year in your new job.
Coming from a foster mom, please don't go into adopting or fostering when you feel you cant handle more children mentally and financially.
This should be top comment. Empathy and communication is the only way here. Neither party is objectively right or wrong and OP and his wife need to talk about this, a lot, to figure out what the right path forward looks like. Don’t go around having secret vasectomies when your wife wants another baby; talk about it like adults first.
All these children saying run out and unilaterally get a vasectomy!, as if that will not impact the marriage.
Makes me wonder and worry what the Reddit hive mind continually reinforces. Relationship poison.
If OP were a woman and her husband were trying to manipulate her into having a baby she didn't want, everyone would be telling her to get on birth control ASAP. Why should it be different because OP is a man? He doesn't want a third child and has very valid reasons. Having a baby is a "two yesses/one no" situation. He says no, therefore no baby. And if his wife is upset over negative pregnancy tests, that means she's trying to get pregnant without his consent. Again, if a man were trying to get his wife pregnant without her consent, we'd all be screaming at her to get birth control at the VERY least.
Of course they need to talk and possibly seek counseling, but nobody is saying they shouldn't do that. Nor have I seen anyone tell OP to get a vasectomy without his wife's knowledge. But he absolutely can get one without her permission, so long as he's willing to accept any possible relationship consequences. Again, if the genders were reversed, nobody sane would tell OP not to get some sort of birth control in this situation unless the husband agreed. OP doesn't need permission to make a reproductive decision for himself.
Birth control is not a permanent choice. Vasectomy is. Fertility is a SHARED aspect of marriage. Coercion and unilateral decisions are two sides of the same coin.
Unilateral decisions end marriages. If there is so little conversation and compromise that people are taking these drastic measures, just end the relationship.
Have you ever had a long-term relationship?
A couple of points.
it doesn’t sound like she’s trying to manipulate him. It sounds like she really wants another baby and they haven’t come to a mutual decision about it.
a man trying to convince his wife to have a baby she doesn’t want is different from the reverse because the woman has to carry the baby. No, OP’s wife shouldn’t make him agree to a baby and shouldn’t have one without his agreement—that would be fucked up. But it wouldn’t put him in immediate physical danger on top of emotional and financial harm, and that matters in how people respond.
Trying to manipulate a woman, i.e., the person who has to get pregnant and birth the baby, into having another child doesn’t even began to compare to a woman telling her husband she would like to have another baby. Impregnating someone without their consent is fucking rape. You can ascribe whatever hatred you like onto the woman in this scenario, but she cannot impregnate anyone without their consent. Don’t be ludicrous.
I’m so tired of these disingenuous “reverse the gender” gotcha-attempts that are 1) overwhelmingly formed in bad faith to begin with, 2) lacking context to the point of rendering them nonsensical, and 3) nothing more than misogyny in another ill-fitting disguise.
Absolutely this. Would either of you even be open to a pet? They provide so much love and affection. This is what my sister did, she needed something to nurture and got a dog, said it was the best decision she's ever made. Obviously if you broach the pet angle you need to do it carefully and gently, but it's something to consider.
I suggest couples counseling. Both parties need to be 100% on board with having children.
She may have unresolved feelings about the death of your daughter. Or just normal baby urge.
Counseling will give you communication skills and help her deal with her feelings.
Good luck.
this is a question for a therapist. I suggest you look for one for yourself, as it will give you tools to navigate this situation.
After losing a child to a genetic defect the thought of taking a risk would be too much for me. You have two beautiful healthy boys. I can’t see you being happy with another child. Your only option to insure this is a vasectomy.
Exactly what happened with my dil. She almost died. I have 2 beautiful granddaughters and she wanted to give my son a boy. He told her he was good with the family they have and it wasn’t worth her health to try again. He got a vasectomy. Get your wife therapy bc she’s having a hard time dealing with her grief .
If you don’t want a baby why are you having sex in a way that could get her pregnant? Wtf.
Bingo. She’s taking pregnancy tests praying for a baby. That tells me she’s not on BC and they are having unprotected sex. OP is setting himself up for an “oops” “miracle” that’ll cost him big time over the course of 18 years.
How are your boys in this? They haven't heard mom say that the family isn't complete, have they?
Your wife needs professional help to deal with her grief because ain't no baby going to fix her heartbreak. But maybe you should consider just not having sex with her for the time being - and if you genuinely don't want more kids, the discussion of a vasectomy may be required.
You support her by admitting that this isn't gonna go away so easily or on its own, and seeking assistance from a mental health professional is probably the best thing here. You also support your family by not being a passive agent - your kids need you to fight for them; having another kid wouldn't just affect you and your marriage, it would directly impact them as well.
And seriously, no sex. Doesn't matter how careful you are, better safe than sorry.
It seems the child they lost was their oldest. While I agree that seeking therapy for such a loss is always a good thing, I’m not sure the response of many that the ONLY reason she wants another kid has to do with grief is fair or accurate. A lot of parents envision the size of their family and yearn for that. I’m not sure I like the response of many that her wanting another kid means something is wrong with her. She may…just want 3 kids.
Now of course this is a two yes situation, but why isn’t anyone implying him NOT wanting another kid requires therapy? It’s simply people that desire two different things. It’s a big place to be at an impasse, and can be worked out TOGETHER in therapy, and perhaps she needs help mourning no more baby years, but again this doesn’t make her the problem. The problem is having a different ideal of family size.
Basically im saying let’s stop implying that she’s crazy, a lot of people want three kids.
And a lot of parents yearn for children of certain genders. Is this about the number of children, or is this about trying to have a daughter? Could you imagine being a little boy who only exists because their mom was yearning for a little girl? Yikes.
Need a professional to help her sort this.
He didn’t say she was specifically wanting to have another girl. They need a professional to help sort out the fact that they aren’t on the same page, but implying she, and she alone, merely wants a child due to mental health issues is ridiculous, as this is not at all implied in his post. Why isn’t anyone asking if he doesn’t want more kids due to mental health issues (I don’t believe that either, by why is this focused on her alone)? Why is not wanting one more mentally sound than wanting one? They just have a difference of wants and ideals here and need to sort that out while being supportive of each other and giving her room to mourn the end of baby times. Deciding she must be mentally unwell for simply wanting another kid is wild.
Needing therapy or experiencing complicated grief doesn't make a person "crazy". That's kinda pejorative. Being stressed, irrational, or upset over a life transition also doesn't mean anything is "wrong with" a person. They can just be struggling right now.
Saying that the suggestion of therapy is somehow negative or stigmatizing is actually...stigma.
If you read my post, I encourage therapy. I am not suggesting therapy is only for extreme situations. I myself go to therapy once a week and don’t have an extreme situation to address. However the responses I am replying to are suggesting she is unwell and that is the only explanation for her wanting another child, when he did not imply that at all in his post. People are suggesting she only wants another kid due to unaddressed grief, which is quite the reach as they do not know her therapy journey around that issue.
People can simply want another child. People can simply not want another child. The issue isn’t her mental wellness, it’s that they aren’t in the same page on a pretty big topic. Which is why I suggested couples therapy. This doesn’t make her want less valid than his or an unstable one.
Your feelings on not wanting another child are valid, her feelings about wanting another child are also valid. The question being who is going to bend? Because this isn’t something that can be compromised on. You can’t have half a child. So either you give in or she does….or this ends the marriage. It sounds to me like she’s already becoming depressed and resentful. You could get her therapy and it could help her to deal with the aspect of not having another child but that is not guaranteed. I’m not sure there is any way to “support” her through not wanting to give her another child. What you’re really asking is how you can make her ok with it and the answer is…nothing she has to decide on her own if she’s ok with it. It sounds like you both have choices to make on what you want/need/is more important to you. I would definitely suggest couples therapy but ultimately you may have to accept that if this is something she truly doesn’t feel like she can be happy without then she may decide that she needs to find a partner who’s wants/needs are more compatible with hers.
You've gotten some solid advice but here's a little bit more- she definitely needs therapy. I can tell you first hand that one child cannot replace or make up for another. I understand her feelings more than most but I can promise her she won't feel better with another baby.
I think this is her trying to grieve without guidance. Get her into therapy and go to therapy with her. Professionals can steer you.
I think you could both benefit from therapy
It’s likely her grief. The family feels incomplete, as it’s lost a child. She’s trying to fill that hole with a baby.
By pushing her to get professional help.
Vasectomy
This x10000000%!! If you aren't using protection, how are you giving her a firm "no."
Yep. He doesn't need her permission anyway because " my body, my choice"
Your wife needs professional help. Not another kid.
I hope your boys didn’t hear the incomplete family comment because that’s just a slap in the face to your sons, given it basically means they aren’t (and might possibly) never be enough.
Your wife sounds like she’s struggling with the loss and it’s too difficult for her to overcome on her own. Struggling or not, having another baby when you lost one to a genetic defect is a dangerous gamble and isn’t worth doing again. I’m happy both of your sons are okay and alright.
Try getting a vasectomy?
You both need to sit down, have a final conversation around this, really hear each other, and plan what’s going to happen going forward. Couples counseling would likely help, and would you both work through this and support each other so resentment doesn’t build. Sometimes people just need the time to mourn the end of baby years. Be a part of this process, and get a third party to help you through it.
Not sure why you say you 100% don’t want a kid then are clearly engaging in sex that has a chance to end in pregnancy. If you’re sure, you both need to work together in therapy to start that mourning process with you supporting for her, and you need to schedule a vasectomy to prevent pregnancy, but also to symbolize that finalization after you have worked on this discussion together. This is actual family planning.
Grief counseling. It sounds like she is really struggling in grief. As far as babies go if you don't want one make sure you're using your own form of birth control. IMO if couples are debating creating another life both people should be fully on board.
A child has been lost, are you really surprised she feels something is missing in your family? There is a gaping hole where your little girl would have been. I’ve had two miscarriages and can’t imagine my partner not understanding (and also feeling) that there is an emptiness where before there was a fullness. Are you not hurt by the loss also? Have you mourned, together and apart? Did you want a third baby then?
Perhaps it might help to explain to her how you actually feel. You can provide all the logic you like about new job, finances, etc. but your wife is very clearly grieving and doesn’t want cold logic. At some point, you agreed to have another child and one was on the way, so I’m not surprised she is hurt by your u-turn on the decision. You shouldn’t have another child if you don’t want one, but I think you need to both sit down and communicate about it. You need to communicate how you feel and why you feel that way. She needs to do the same. You both need to listen to each other and come up with an agreement about how things look going forward.
Finally, and I say this respectfully, please understand there is likely nothing you can do to ‘help’ her. She’s lost a baby. You’ve lost a baby. Nothing can make that better. It takes time and a lot of strength to grow to accept that and heal from it. To be honest, your question of how to help her comes across me me as more of a ‘How can I help her understand she should also feel our family is complete and I’ve put my foot down?’ Rather than ‘How can I help my wife by supporting her and discussing our needs together?’ Don’t go into this thinking you can ‘fix’ anything by ‘helping’. A lot of men try to help by looking for solutions, logic, tools; how to fix an issue rather than simply providing the love and support actually required. Sometimes you can’t help. Sometimes these things really will just take time and effort to get through and you can’t hurry it along or make it better. You can help, in this instance, by validating your wife’s feelings, acknowledging the hurt and discussing it and your own hurt together maturely.
She's had three pregnancies. First resulted in our oldest, we lost the second, and then the third resulted in our youngest. We didn't lose the last one and then I said no more. We had one more after our loss, and now she wants another.
My spouse and I have lost several pregnancies, so I understand what your wife says when she feel like your family isn’t complete.
Has she had therapy since the loss? Because if she stills feels a gaping, empty hole there for that baby, all the babies in the world won’t fill it. She’s had one more since, still wants another. If you cave and have another one, what will you do when she still feels like she needs another?
She feels like someone is missing in your family, and someone is, but more babies will not replace her. She needs therapy.
Discuss counseling, couples and separate. Ask if she would be willing to wait on a new baby until you've done some counseling. And remind her the point of a therapist is not to agree not to have another child but to heal from the trauma she has suffered and you as well.
As others have said it sounds like her grief is steering the ship right now.
Get a vasectomy. Othwise mark my word. She will be pregnant again. Is that what u want?
You guys should maybe do counseling to come to a decision or to work through each's emotions about this so none of you just resent the other for the rest of time. I wouldn't listen to Reddit's talk about vasectomies or how you're a terrible person for not wanting another kid.
Are you having protected sex? Is she on birth control? I ask because you mention that she’s taking pregnancy tests in hopes of being pregnant, but you say you don’t want kids. What are you doing to prevent this?
You need to get a vasectomy and your wife needs counselling
Get a vasectomy ASAP, she will have a baby without your consent !
She expressed an emotion, and that means she's a rapist?
There's nothing wrong with OP having a vasectomy, but I'm sick of this narrative that women are all baby-trapping villains.
This is horrible advice, an insane insult to his wife, and a major betrayal. What if things were flipped and Dad had 2 daughters and wanted a son? You have to discuss and make compromises, but sneaking away and tying tubes is a horrible response to this.
I never said do it in secret, where did you get that from?
A woman can’t have a baby without a dude consent. 😂 but yeah, a vasectomy could be helpful. I doubt she will be on board though. So no really solving the relationship issues
Tampering with condoms and lying about taking birth control pills are two ways a woman could get pregnant without the guy's consent.
Tampering with condoms?? Who are you dating my man?? It could easily be solved carrying your own and using them even if they are on birth control. Please don’t delegate your responsibilities
You should look up the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey results. Plenty of people, men and women alike, have experienced reproductive coercion across their lifetimes, including men whose female partners lied about being on birth control, manipulated the condoms, etc.
They live in the same house, so while not impossible to protect, much harder to be 100% sure she isn't tampering. Sadly, there are married women (and men) who do this sabotage -- not many, I'd imagine, but not zero.
“Don’t worry honey, I’m on the pill!” [Narrator]: She’s not.