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303 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1994
Looks real black and white now--very clear--but back then everything came at you in bright colors. No sharp edges. Lots of glare. A nightmare like that, all you want is to forget. None of it ever seemed real in the first place.
Would it help to announce the problem early on? To plead for understanding? To argue that solutions only demean the grandeur of human ignorance? To point out that absolute knowledge is absolute closure? To issue a reminder that death itself dissolves into uncertainty, and that out of such uncertainty arise great temples and tales of salvation?
I have tried, of course, to be faithful to the evidence. Yet evidence is not truth. It is only evident.
The afternoon had passed to a ghostly gray. She was struck by the immensity of things, so much water and sky and forest, and after a time it occurred to her that she’d lived a life almost entirely indoors. Her memories were indoor memories, fixed by ceilings and plastered white walls. Her whole life had been locked to geometries: suburban rectangles, city squares. First the house she’d grown up in, then dorms and apartments. The open air had been nothing but a medium of transit, a place for rooms to exist.
My heart tells me to stop right here, to offer quiet benediction and call it the end. But the truth won't allow it. Because there is no end, happy or otherwise. Nothing is fixed, nothing solved. The facts, such as they are, finally spin off into the void of things missing, the inconclusiveness of us. Who are we? Where do we go? The ambiguity may be dissatisfying, even irritating, but this is a love story. There is no tidiness. Blame it on the human heart. One way or another, it seems, we all perform vanishing tricks, effacing history, locking up our lives and slipping day by day into the graying shadows. Our whereabouts are uncertain. All secrets lead to the dark, and beyond the dark there is only maybe.
Sorcerer uttered meaningless sounds – "No", he said, then after a second he said, "Please!" – and then the sunlight sucked him down a trail toward the center of the village, where he found burning hootches and brightly mobile figures engaged in murder. Simpson was killing children. PFC Weatherby was killing whatever he could kill. A row of corpses lay in the pink-to-purple sunshine along the trail – teenagers and old women and two babies and a young boy. Most were dead, some where almost dead. The dead lay very still. The almost-dead did twitching things until PFC Weatherby had occasion to reload and make them fully dead. The noise was fierce. No one was dying quietly. There were squeakings and chickenhouse sounds … Meadlo and the lieutenant were spraying gunfire into a crowd of villagers. They stood side by side, taking turns. Meadlo was crying … The air was hot and wet … He ran past a smoking bamboo schoolhouse. Behind him and in front of him, a brisk machine-gun wind pressed through Thuan Yen. The wind stirred up a powdery red dust that sparkled in the morning sunshine, and the little village had now gone mostly violet … Hutto was shooting corpses. T'Souvas was shooting children. Doherty and Terry were finishing off the wounded. This was not madness, Sorcerer understood. This was sin. He felt it winding through his own arteries, something vile and slippery like heavy black oil in a crankcase … A period of dark time went by, maybe an hour, maybe more … There were flies now – a low droning buzz that swelled up from somewhere deep inside the village.… and on it went.
(paraphrase) He brought the boat around and followed the shoreline in a generally westward direction, looking for a channel south. The afternoon had passed to a ghostly gray. He was struck by the immensity of things, so much water and sky and forest … for a long time he followed the curving shoreline, moving at low throttle, watching the sun sink toward the trees straight ahead. The wind was colder. He passed between a pair of tiny islands, veered north to skirt a spit of rocks and sand, then aimed the boat into a wide stretch of choppy water. After more than an hour nothing much had changed. The purest wilderness, everything tangled up with everything else … A little island seemed to float before him in the purply twilight, partly masked by a stand of reeds and cattails …
And suddenly, as though caught in a box of mirrors, John looked up to see his own image reflected on the clinic’s walls and ceiling. Fun-house reflections: deformations and odd angles. He saw a little boy doing magic. He saw a college spy, madly in love. He saw a soldier and husband and seeker of public office. He saw himself from inside out and upside down, the organic chemistry, the twisted chromosomes, and for a second it occurred to him that his own stability was at issue.
. . .
Across the beach Lux and Pat were huddled in conversation. Wade watched them for a few seconds, wondering if he should walk over and demand the handcuffs. Blurt out a few secrets. The teakettle and the boathouse. Tell them he wasn’t sure. Just once in his life: tell everything. Talk about his father. Explain how his whole life had been managed with mirrors and that he now was totally baffled and totally turned around and had no idea how to work his way out. Which was the truth. He didn’t know shit. He didn’t know where he was or how he’d gotten there or where to go next.
. . .
Maybe that’s what this book is for. To remind me. To give me back my vanished life.
. . .
If all is supposition, if ending is air, then why not happiness? Are we so cynical, so sophisticated as to write off even the chance of happy endings?
It is by the nature of the angle, sun to earth, that the seasons are made, and that the waters of the lake change color by the season, blue going to gray and then to white and then back again to blue. The water receives color. The water returns it. The angle shapes reality. Winter ice becomes the steam of summer as flesh becomes spirit. Partly window, partly mirror, the angle is where memory dissolves. The mathematics are always null; water swallows sky, which swallows earth. And here in a corner of John Wade's imagination, where things neither live nor die, Kathy stares up at him.