A place for those who have survived a narcissistic relationship and now have the needed boundaries in place for safety and sanity. This is a group for people who are no longer engaging with abusers - this does not necessarily mean no contact. It means that you longer engage in the toxic dynamics with abusers. This group is meant as a next step after /r/raisedbynarcissists.
It's been more than a year I am in NC. I have healed a lot and the occasional triggers are the only thing that harasses me but slowly and gradually I have started losing thier frequency as well.
The only thing that harasses me is the thought that she didn't hoover. It makes me feel like shit and unworthy. I don't know how to overcome this one issue and will it decrease with time or no. It hurts me sometimes like hell and I ain't able to adjust to it. It took me so much time to heal and they are posting updates with someone else on social media to hurt me more but even this I know is a narcissistic technique to pour more fuel over the fire. This also has no effect on me now but only one thing that they didn't contact me back. I did so much and I didn't even receive the respect worth even 1 percent of it.
Does anyone else suffer from this and how do you overcome this one issue.
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There as reasons for no hoover:
Preoccupied grooming new supply.
You have dirt on them and can lift their mask to the public.
You remind them of their shame and guilt so are to be avoided.
The smear campaign was a bit too far and they've painted you out such a monster they can't even speak about you positively.
They know you can't be gaslit or manipulated and you'll point out their behaviour, they don't like that.
Overall no hoover means there is a hurdle for them they can't get over or you remind them too much of who they actually are or they can't be bothered as you're grey and boring and stopped reacting, a win is a win in my opinion.
All of this. The narcissistic damage you incurred on them is probably too great. Which, in all honesty is a pure win as I see it. That you ousted them so bad they would rather ignore you than keep you on a shelf somewhere.
Side note. The narcissist is always looking after themselves. No Hoover right now only means that it’s not beneficial for them to Hoover you back into their lives. Give it some time. Let the dust settle. Let them run out of other options and they’ll be back to try and snare you again. Hopefully you will be well healed and stronger by then and won’t be compelled to fall for it.
There are lots of reasons they don’t hoover. It may be that you know too much about them, or they are busy with a new supply. I guess the healing comes from how you interpret that. No one is ‘special’ to a narc. We are supply, that’s it.
The closest thing to ‘special’ for a narc is ‘good supply’. But think about what good supply means to a narcissist. Not challenging them, letting them do whatever they want and not having our own boundaries. Showering them with praise and attention. Even then, you may find yourself on their bad side as they lose respect for you or become bored by the lack of challenge. The end goal for a narcissist is always discard.
Instead you need to see no contact as a win. This person is no longer trying to manipulate you for their own aims, you are free. Eventually when you are healed, you may even be able to replace this relationship with a healthier one. One where you feel loved, respected and valued.
Because you won.
You touched a wound so deep that they won't touch you again. They especially won't let you know when this happens.
The narcs that I prod a little bit before they discard don't hoover. The ones that I leave on more ambiguous terms do. They don't like when you touch their wound. It's pretty simple to do. You may have done it without knowing.
This article might help too: https://medium.com/@SPClusterB/eight-signs-that-narcissists-actually-loved-you-fbe6d2e4da0b
Some of them might watch from a distance but don't make themselves known to you. Others are so ashamed at rejection of any kind that they disappear completely because it is such a monumental blow to their egos.
Mine didn't hoover either. It would have gone very badly for him if he tried, and he knows it.
Take it as a compliment if they don't hoover. It means they know you won't fall for their BS.
I’m echoing what others are saying. The #1 reason is they have new supply. Someone who’s fresh and isn’t wise to their game. At some point, you must have held a mirror up to them and they didn’t like what they saw.
There can be several reasons:
in rage mode she let her mask slip too much and she knows that there is no coming back from that
she went too far with the smear campaign and if she wanted to come back to you her family and friends would stop her and question her actions
She is busy with the new supply
Her ego is stopping her
fear of rejection because of what she has done to you
no matter what her reason may be, a hoover isn't a sign of love or affection and it doesn't determine your worth. consider yourself lucky that she has left you alone. Most of the time narcissists hoover to:
to see if they are still in control
to get validation
to get revenge
Sounds like you could benefit from also healing your codependency and lack of self-love/self-worth.
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A hoover is not a compliment. They hoover for a reason, because they think they can still manipulate you. Take this as a win OP.