By We were pretty much convinced, after Dan's final line last week, that he had completed his 180 transformation from sweet-natured outsider into Patrick Bateman Lite, and despite an initial period of doubt 'It's Really Complicated' confirmed his villain status once and for all. By the end of this episode, Dan has literally stated his intention to become Bart Bass, and Gossip Girl's very own Dr Evil has willingly taken Lonely Boy on as his demon protégé.
It's a little bit sad to remember just how likable Dan once was. We mentioned a couple of weeks back the season two plotline in which Dan felt too guilty to publish the story he'd written about Chuck and his daddy issues, and sent it to Bart instead - it's a perfect counterpoint to this episode, and shows just how deliberately the writers have set out to trash everything that was ever good about Dan.
At this point, all we can do is sit back, accept the character assassination, and revel in the satisfaction of Dan finally getting what's coming to him. What's weird is that even after he published a horrifyingly cruel article about Serena to round off the series he's already dropped about the rest of the gang, Dan still seems surprised and a little indignant to be thrown out on his ass, arguing that all he's done is become conniving and back-stabbing like Serena, Blair, Chuck, Nate et al have always been.
Setting aside the fact that those people plainly love each other and have never done anything as out-and-out malicious as Dan's been doing this season, his argument is just plain deluded. He says Serena has always looked down on him for being from Brooklyn, that she's never let him into her world, but that just isn't true. From the second episode onwards, it was always Dan judging Serena for her party girl past and her privileged upbringing.
In summary, we'll repeat what we have said many times before. Dan Humphrey is the worst.
Seriously, those extracts we heard from the Serena article? Just horrible. We have to believe that there is no way the writers can put these two back together now - the man is an actual, certifiable sociopath. Or as Blair put it "a self-promoting hipster weasel who's thrown every one of his friends under the bus".
But just as our rage was reaching boiling point, just as it sort of looked like Dan was going to get away without any real consequences (Serena's wimpy tearful confrontation does not count)…
Nate punched Dan in the face, and the world made sense again.
Honestly. This moment alone has made every infuriating episode of the past two seasons worth it. And as if that weren't enough, he followed it up with "That's from all of us." Sure, it might have been more satisfying if Serena had clocked him one, or maybe kneed him in the balls, but we'll take what we can get. And what we got was AWESOME.
And then Serena and Blair went to have pie together, and it was sweet. It's galling to think about just how much better these last ten episodes could have been if they'd given these two a real story that's really about their friendship, rather than the half-hearted conflict we got in between all the Stevens and Sages and fashion shows, but there's no point speculating about how things might have been if these writers still cared about their show.
Speaking of which, was it really necessary for Blair to bring Sage back into things yet again? Last week was bad enough! And we have to conclude that Nate literally has the attention span of a goldfish, because him taking Sage back was just so, so dumb. Having Chuck be her cheerleader with his "She's a keeper" stuff was irritating. Stop trying to make Sage happen, writers. She's never going to happen.
And Serena, bless her sweet dumb heart, did she honestly think inviting Steven and Sage to Thanksgiving was going to end well? There's being a generous spirit, and then there's just having no boundaries. There was absolutely no purpose to either of them being there - between Lily, Bart, Chuck, Dan, Nate, Serena and Blair, there would have been more than enough tension to go around. Are we meant to believe that Dan decided to send the mean article, rather than the nice one, because he was angry that Serena invited Steven? If so, that sort of makes him even more pathetic.
By the way? Calling someone "nothing" and "a golden shell" isn't telling the truth, Dan. It's expressing an opinion. Rufus called it at the end, but of course Dan didn't listen because he's got a new daddy now, and his new daddy throws people off yachts and sets their cars on fire! So... is Bart going to enlist Dan to bump off Chuck? Is that where we're going with this? Dan smothers Chuck with his awful hair? And then writes about it in his Final Chapter?
Honestly, if Dan hates the Upper East Side so much, can he not just... leave? Stay in Brooklyn! Make some hipster friends! Hook up with Vanessa again! Go away to Europe! Do anything other than obsess over these people who you say you hate, yet long to be one of. "Tonight, for the first time they weren't looking down on me - I was one of them." That is definitely a unique interpretation of getting punched in the face and kicked out of somebody's home, but okay.
On a more positive note, Blair won Chuck back with a bit of good old-fashioned festive stripping (what was with that Pocahontas-by-way-of-Xena garb, though?), and the episode ended with Chuck asking her to go to war with him. Which is... as close as we're getting to an actual proposal, probably. Blair juggling two meddling schemes at once throughout dinner was also awesome, and we love that she's treating Serena and Chuck's problems as equally important.
Ultimately, we loved 'It's Really Complicated' because it brought us two of the things we've been most longing for this season: Dan getting punched in the face and rejected, and Lily finally coming to her senses and remembering that it's Chuck she's spent five seasons building a loving relationship with, not Bart.
"I was a fool for trusting your father all this time." Yes, yes you were, Lily, but you redeemed yourself with the jeweller's loop business. With only two episodes to go, we're guessing this might just be the final puzzle piece in Chuck's case against his father... but can he and Lily get to Bart before Bart gets to them? Dun dun DUNNNN...
Gossip:
- "Flying alone on the holidays is like chat roulette." What, there's a 1 in 8 chance of seeing someone's knob? What airline is Blair flying with?!
- "Thanksgiving does hold a special place in my heart, and stomach." Aw, nice callback to what was maybe season one's best episode, back when Dan was a human being and Serena had some self-worth and Blair's eating disorder was briefly an actual storyline.
- "All he does is drink in bed and argue with Monkey." We would be so, so happy to watch a sitcom that is based entirely around Chuck drunkenly arguing with his adorable dog.
- Did we really need that final shot of Serena trying to go crawling back to Steven, and him shutting her down? Okay, so she's always sort of used men as life rafts, but she did not used to be this pathetic. It's not remotely fun to watch any more, it's just sad.
- Did Michelle Tratchenberg have some kind of unsightly eye condition while she was shooting the early scenes? Those sunglasses looked ridiculous. It is November.
- On a similar note, Blair's coat? What the actual crap was that? That material would be ugly on your grandma's curtains, never mind as a trench coat on a 22-year-old fashion designer.
- Georgina almost, almost out-creeped Dan in their park scene when she said: "I am your everything." Almost. At this point, the only person Dan - with his cold, dead psycho eyes - can realistically end up with is Georgina.
- We know that Eleanor spends half the year in Paris, or whatever, but really... who goes to France for Thanksgiving? They know that Thanksgiving isn't actually a thing there, right?
- Sage being desperate to make out with Nate, and Nate literally not even noticing that she exists because he's so fixated on Chuck? Only time Sage was anything other than pointless. Bros before hoes.
- Not much Dorota this week, but she did get in one classic zinger, suggesting that Blair must let Dan and Serena's gross relationship run its course "like stomach flu". Apt.
- "The world-famous Humphrey stuffing recipe." There's a dirty joke somewhere in there, but we're not going to make it because we don't really want to think about Humphreys stuffing anything.
- So... what is going to be in Dan's final chapter? If it weren't clearly way too late for the writers to pull a redemption arc, we'd guess he was going to do a damning self-portrait and write about how he sucks too. Then again, maybe a redemption arc is exactly where this is going. Ugh...
- Did we mention that Nate punched Dan in the face? And it was just SO GOOD?
