Photo: user uploaded image Sarah Marshall: Peter... as you know, I love you very much...
Peter Bretter: (horrified)...Are you breaking up with me? (drops his towel and covers his face, revealing his nakedness)
Sarah Marshall: ...Pete? Are you, um...?
'Peter Bretter: ...I just need a minute. (turns away, then hunches over and starts whimpering to himself)
Sarah Marshall: ...Okay?
Sarah Marshall: Do you want to put some clothes on?!
Peter Bretter: (sarcastically) Would you like to pick out the outfit you break up with me in?!
Photo: user uploaded image Sarah Marshall: I feel... I've been feeling... that, for a long time, we've been growing apart. We're leading different lives.
Peter Bretter: (glances away, unconvinced) Who's the dude? (stands up) Who's the dude?
Sarah Marshall: What?! No, that's not what this is about! There's no-one else. (stands up)
Peter Bretter: I know what's happening here- I really do. You've been working so much lately, that we haven't got to spend much time together and- you're forgetting what it's like to be with me. But- maybe if we just held each other or something- you would remember what it's like to be with me.
Sarah Marshall: No-
Peter Bretter: Please hold me. (Sarah hesitates) please. (he comes over to her and hugs her, still naked. Sarah hugs him back reluctantly)
Sarah Marshall: There's someone else. (Peter pulls away from her and looks at her in shock) I'm sorry. (she walks out in tears)
Brian Bretter: (observing the club Peter brought him to, distastefully) We don't hang out in places like this, Liz and I. Why'd you take me here? This place smells like strippers' perfume. I'm gonna get herpes just from sitting on this couch!
Photo: user uploaded image Girl: Hi.
Peter Bretter: Hi.
Girl: Hi.
Peter Bretter: Hi.
Girl: Hi.
Peter Bretter: Okay, um, do you mind not saying that while we're fucking?
Girl: You can gag me.
Peter Bretter: Y-You brought a gag?
Girl: And handcuffs. Do you wanna gag me?
Peter Bretter: Well... kind of, now.
Peter Bretter: (after watching a commercial featuring Sarah on his flight to Hawaii) Excuse me? (stewardess comes over) Hi- could I have another Bloody Mary, please?
Stewardess: Uh...you're still working on that one.
Peter Brenner: It's just an anticipatory order.
Photo: user uploaded image Rachel Jansen: (smiles) Just married?
Darald Braden: (giggling along with his wife) Yes! How'd you guess?
Rachel Jansen: Oh, you've got that... magic newlywed dust all over you.
Peter Bretter: (on the phone with Brian as he sneaks across the hotel grounds behind Sarah and Aldous) This is a disaster!
Brian Bretter: Calm down, man. Um... are there other hotels on the island?
Peter Bretter: Of course there are other hotels- but I'm not leaving here, it'll look like I'm running away!
Brian Bretter: Wait- why are you whispering? You're not following them, are you?!
Photo: user uploaded image Aldous Snow: I had a girlfriend, right? And, um, Liam and Noel Gallagher both had it off with her, right in front of me, so that's...similar. (Sarah makes a disgusted noise) And that was a bit awkward, actually. So, if you do wanna change hotels, I'd quite understand.
Sarah Marshall: No, no! I'm not changing hotels.
Peter Bretter: (sees Sarah and Aldous making out) Oh, God! Okay, there they are! There they are, I see them!
Brian Bretter: Go back to your room, Peter. Peter, go back to your room. Go back to your room, Peter.
Peter Bretter: I'm going in.
Brian Bretter: Go back to your room, Peter. Are you listening to me? Peter-Peter- Peter! Hey!- (Peter cuts him off and pretends to wander into Aldous and Sarah's yard)
Photo: user uploaded image Brian Bretter: (over the phone, sarcastically) Did you enjoy that? Did you like what you saw?
Peter Bretter: That hurt, a lot. But, I know Sarah, and I'm pretty sure I just ruined her day. (followed by a brief montage of Sarah having wild sex with Aldous, proving her day has not been ruined at all)
Photo: user uploaded image Peter Bretter: (answering the phone after he has been sobbing on his balcony)...Hello?
Rachel Jansen:...Peter?
Peter Bretter:...Sarah?
Rachel Jansen:...No, it's Rachel Jansen- from the front desk.
Peter Bretter:(making an effort to control his voice)... Hey.
Rachel Jansen: Hey- what's going on up there? I'm getting complaints about a woman, crying hysterically?
Peter Bretter: Yeah, you know what, and I hear her too, and it sounds like she's having such a hard time. (his voice begins to break again) I think it's coming from the floor above me-
Rachel Jansen: You're on the top floor.
Peter Bretter:... I'll try and keep it down.
Rachel Jansen: Are you okay?
Peter Bretter: Yeah, you have a nice night.
Rachel Jansen: Okay... (she hangs up. cut to Peter curled up on his floor, sobbing just as loudly.)
Matthew Van Der Wyk: (into the phone, deadpan) Well, I would love to sell you some weed, Jeremy, but I'm at my fucking job right now. Obviously, because you called me at work, you know that I'm at my place of work. So, I can't just leave here and sell you some weed- I can sell you some weed when I'm done. (notices Peter approaching) Hold on, I gotta call you back. Mahalo, all right! (hangs up) Hey, how's it going?
Peter Bretter: Hey- uh, I'd just like to grab some dinner, please.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Okay, great- is your wife gonna meet you?
Peter Bretter: No.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Or, your girlfriend?
Peter Bretter: No. I don't, uh- I don't have a girlfriend.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: (looks confused) You're just... by yourself?
Peter Bretter: Yeah.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Man, that sucks. Okay, so just one! Here's your wine list and your menu. Come on. (leads him to his table) Do you want. like, a magazine or something? It's gonna be boring if you're just sitting all by yourself.
Peter Bretter: I'll be all right, thank you.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: I just would be so depressed.
Photo: user uploaded image Aldous Snow: If I have just one sip of wine, by the end of the evening I'll be, like, rimming waiters for their tips, just to get me hands on a rock. You know what I mean? Nasty (Sarah laughs nervously)
Matthew Van Der Wyk: (jokingly) I heard that! (comes over)
Aldous Snow: Oh- hey, what's up, man.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: How are you enjoying your vegetable medley?
Aldous Snow: It's- it's mundane.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: (not realizing that Aldous was criticizing the food negatively) It is mundane. It's great, I know.
Photo: user uploaded image Rachel Jansen: Where's your wife, sir?
Darald Braden: She is in bed.
Peter Brenner: How are things going with the lady?
Darald Braden: Not awesome. She's complicated- like The Da Vinci Code, you know, but- harder to... crack. (Peter and Rachel grin at each other bemusedly) But life is full of lessons, you learn something new every day, so... (pause) wonder what I'm going to learn... tomorrow? (pause) Well! (stands up to go) Good night!
Rachel Jansen: Good night, sir.
Peter Bretter: Night, sir.
Darald Braden: (as he is leaving) Off to find the mythical clitoris! (Rachel raises her eyebrows at this remark)
Rachel Jansen: So! (Peter snickers into his drink) Peter, were you able to get that crying lady out of your room? 'Cause, I could send someone up, if you want.
Peter Bretter: Oh, you could?
Rachel Jansen: Yeah.
Peter Bretter: That's very funny. It is.
Rachel Jansen: Well, listen- the Sarah Marshall Show sucks. Who cares?
Peter Bretter: I do the music for that program. (awkward pause)
Rachel Jansen:...Well, did I mention that the music rocks?
Peter Bretter: (chuckles) That's very sweet of you- that's very sweet of you to say. (Rachel chuckles) You don't have to say that, though- it's not music. There's no melody, it's just tones. Just dark, ominous tones. (mimics a line from the show) "The Masturbating Dog-Killer is on the loose again! He'll kill the owner, but at least the dogs are happy!" (imitates one of his 'tones' and he and Rachel both laugh)
Peter Bretter: Are you Chuck?
Kunu: Oh man, you know, they won't change that flyer. That's my mainland name. My Hawaiian name is Kunu!
Peter Bretter: Oh, cool, sorry man.
Kunu: Nah, it's all good!
Peter Bretter: Does Kunu have some, like, cool Hawaiian meaning?
Kunu: It means Chuck.
Photo: user uploaded image Kunu: It looks like you got a little pain behind those eyes.
Peter Bretter: Yeah, maybe a little.
Kunu: There's really only one cure for that.
Peter Bretter: Yeah, what's that?
Kunu: Weed. You got any?
Peter Bretter: No.
Kunu: Oh. Well then let's go surfin'!
Kunu: Okay, when we're out there, I want you to ignore your instincts. Kunu will be your instincts.
Photo: user uploaded image Peter Bretter: (to Brian via his computer) I'm confused and I don't know what to do.
Brian Bretter: What's up with that hat? What are you- what, are you in the Buena Vista Social Club?
Peter Bretter: (put out)... This is a nice hat.
Brian Bretter: (smirking) What member of The Brat Pack are you? You look like one of those guys suspected of killing JFK.
Peter Bretter:... That's very funny. That's great.
Liz Bretter: (offscreen) Tell him to make friends.
Brian Bretter: (glances in her direction, then back) ...You need to get out there and make some friends, man.
Peter Bretter: (annoyed) Is Liz there right now?!
Brian Bretter: No! No, she- she's not in here, buddy.
Peter Bretter: (more annoyed) I just heard her.
Brian Bretter: She's... gone (looks right, in Liz's direction)
Peter Bretter: Who are you looking at?! (Brian continues to look right)
Brian Bretter: What?
Peter Bretter: Is she still- (sarcastically) Hi, Liz!
Brian Bretter: No, I swear on my mother's grave, it- (Liz leans into view and waves hello over Brian's shoulder) Okay, it was Liz. She wasn't here the entire time- Go out and meet people! We meet people all the time-
Liz Bretter: All the time on vacation.
Brian Bretter: Constantly.
Peter Bretter: I've tried, all right?! There's like, a couple dudes here, but- they're kinda weird.
Liz Bretter: Just- be friendly? (Brian nods) Iron your shirt-
Brian Bretter: Iron your shirt, look sharp-
Liz Bretter: Even your T-shirts.
Peter Bretter: ...There is this girl at the front desk who's pretty cute. (Liz makes a sound of approval, Brian makes a sound of disgust)
Brian Bretter: Oh, yeah- you know what? Go and have another dirty one-night stand- that worked out so well before.
Peter Bretter: What do you want from me?! You just told me I need to meet people.
Liz Bretter: Ask her out! (to Brian) I mean, maybe that's what he needs is, like, a rebound!
Brian Bretter: He's had plenty of chances for rebounds! This isn't- (Peter covers his face in exasperation)
Liz Bretter: Can we get on the same team, here?
Brian Bretter: (instantly backing down) Okay I'm sorry. (turns back to Peter) We're on the same team- sorry. (he and Liz do a mini-high-five)
Liz Bretter: You should go out on a date with this girl, Peter.
Peter Bretter:... Well, maybe I'll ask her out, then. (Liz nods approval)
Brian Bretter: My wife says so.
Aldous Snow: (To Peter and Sarah, as Matthew and other fans pressure him to come up to the stage and sing) Duty calls, and all that. I'm tryin' to be incognito, it's weird- it's like work to me, this is no fun! (to the audience) Hey- thank you! (goes up to the stage, lets Matthew hug him, then fends him off by offering him a pair of his sunglasses) Thank you! What a lovely introduction- what an eccentric and confident young man!
Photo: user uploaded image Kemo: (as he and Peter are carrying the pig they just slaughtered to the luau, he notices Peter is crying) You can stop crying now- he's dead already.
Peter Bretter: I'm not crying. You should stop crying.
Kemo: I don't cry. I'm not a baby.
Peter Bretter: Really? 'Cause you look like a gigantic baby. (realizes he said something offensive) I'm sorry, I didn't mean that at all (Kemo chuckles)
Peter Bretter: Do you ever think about moving back, finishing school?
Rachel Jansen:... No. I work at the hotel- there doesn't have to be a future in that.
Photo: user uploaded image Rachel Jansen: So, how do you like writing music for a T.V. show?
Peter Bretter: (pause) It's.. great, you know? People are great- it's great to have a steady paycheck- it's... I'm very, very lucky-
Rachel Jansen: Oh my God, you hate it!
Peter Bretter: I fuckin' hate it! So much!
Rachel Jansen: So, then do something about it!
Peter Bretter:... Excuse me.
Rachel Jansen: (laughing) I'm just saying, if you hate something, then change it!
Rachel Jansen: ...Why Dracula?
Peter Bretter: Because, he's a man, just like everyone else- he just wants to be loved! And, every time he gets close to a human woman, he ends up smothering and killing her- which is a feeling I am familiar with.
Photo: user uploaded image Peter Bretter: Rachel, I know his friend- let me handle this! (to Greg's friend, who was his waiter) Hey, man, you remember me from breakfast?
Breakfast waiter: Oh, yeah! The cocktail guy! (shakes Peter's hand, then punches him) This ain't the breakfast buffet!
Greg: (grabbing Peter and threatening to punch him) You with my girl, huh? You keepin' her warm for me at night, huh?!
Kemo: Hey- what are you doing, here? (Greg slaps Kemo in the face, Kemo backhands him to the ground. Greg and his friend both attack Kemo at once, but Kemo easily holds them off)
Peter Bretter: Rachel, we gotta get out of here!... Rachel?
Rachel Jansen: (watching the fight, cheering for Kemo) That's right, just hit him- get what you deserve- (Peter physically picks her up and carries her away from the fight)
Peter Bretter: 'just a boy'? No! That dude was a fucking man.
Rachel Jansen: No, no, no- he is an asshole. I can't believe I ever dated him.
Peter Bretter: You went nuts.
Rachel Jansen: Yeah. (chuckles)
Peter Bretter: You guys are... dysfunctional. You were like one of those girls from Flavor of Love.
Rachel Jansen: From what? (laughs)
Peter Bretter: You were! (does an imitiation) "I'll kill you- I'll kill you!".
Rachel Jansen: (laughs and stands up) Okay, I'm gonna go get us another round.
Peter Bretter: Oh, I'll get it- it's no big deal.
Rachel Jansen: (smiles) Peter, you don't have to dote on me- I'm not that type of girl. (goes to the bar as Peter reminisces all the times Sarah made him hold her purse and stand in the background at her public events)
Photo: user uploaded image Peter Bretter: Do you know that there's- there's a picture of you flashing, hanging in the men's room?
Rachel Jansen: Yeah. Ugh, I hate it so much. My jackass boyfriend made me do it, and then Keoke over there (indicates the muscular bartender) took it. I asked him to take it down, but he said it would ruin the balance of the collage.
Peter Bretter:... Do you want me to try and get it down for you?
Rachel Jansen: No! No, no, no- he'll kill you. Like, really kill you.
Peter bretter: (referring to Rachel's ex-boyfriend) Did you see her ex-boyfriend?! I mean, he is ridiculous!
Dwayne: Who, Greg? I love Greg, man.
Kunu: I saw him beat up a guy with a starfish.
Peter Bretter: Okay, that's just ridiculous.
Kunu: That guy was me.
Photo: user uploaded image Peter Bretter: You know, I can play something else- I just think out of context it's-
Rachel Jansen: Dracula musical!
Peter Bretter: ...thank you.
