The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 02.28.00
By Scott Keith on 24th April 2024
The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 02.28.00
Oh my god are we seriously only in February still?
So the opening recap of last week is using something that sounds close to, but still legally distinct from, Rage Against the Machine, so I’m assuming that’s what was originally there.
Live from Minneapolis, MN, drawing 4500 or so.
Your hosts are Tony Schiavone & Mark Madden
Meanwhile, Jeff Jarrett is unconcerned about Tank Abbott getting a World title match tonight against Sid Vicious. And as usual, they’re paying a dozen women to hang around in the background with the “nWo” for zero return on investment.
WCW World tag team title: The Mamalukes v. Lane & Idol
I don’t really understand what Lenny & Lodi are going for here with their new gimmick. They clear the ring to start and double-team Johnny the Bull in the corner for two, but Johnny gets a spinkick on Lane while Miss Hancock comes out again to provide distraction and joins the commentary team. Meanwhile Madden and Disco yell at each other in the most annoying manner possible while bickering. Oh and there’s stuff going on in the ring too I guess. Not that we’d know. Idol gets the “hot” tag, which is colder than Minnesota in February, but Hancock dances on the table again and everyone literally just stands there watching her, including the referee. And they just all stand there for more than a minute with nothing happening. “Finally something happens in the ring and Vito gets the pin” notes a bored Tony with zero fucks given at 3:35. Oh man and you thought that current meme of him looked checked out? And then Hancock dances with the Mamalukes, but the Harris twins hit the ring and destroy everyone to set up the tag title program for Uncensored that EVERYONE was waiting to see, no doubt. These guys make Chris Jericho look underexposed. DUD
And that’s just the opening match!
Meanwhile, the stolen Kid Cam catches Buff Bagwell hitting on Elizabeth and getting shot down in flames. And then we cut to the Luger/Flair dressing room, where they watch the video and laugh at him.
Meanwhile, Bam Bam Bigelow gives his thoughts on the World title match tonight as though this is a thing that people give a shit about the match.
Meanwhile, Riki Rachtman hosts a Nitro party on campus, and this is the kind of stuff they should have leaned into instead of pushing the old farts again.
Speaking of which…
Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan tells a rambling story about Jimmy Hart speaking in tongues and saying the word YAPPAPI, which Hogan interprets as a strap match against Ric Flair at Uncensored. I think this might have literally been the moment where RAW tripled Nitro’s rating for the week and if you listen closely with headphones you can probably hear Vince laughing his fucking ass off in New York. Also, in the Observer for this week, Dave notes that WCW has resigned themselves to just doing whatever the fuck Hulk wants for the next two years, because he’s under contract for that length of time with complete creative control so for the next two years it’s just gonna be the Hulk Hogan show because really how much worse could things get anyway? Well I’ve got good news and bad news for them there…
Ric Flair and Lex Luger join Mean Gene in the ring, and Lex Luger accuses Sting of “not having it anymore”. Well history has certainly shown who was wrong there. And also Lex wants a match with Buff Bagwell later. Wasn’t Buff a heel again last week? So Luger runs down Minnesota, but Curt Hennig returns from the dead and stands up for Minnesota, accusing him of stealing the “Curt Hennig haircut” and then challenges Flair for later tonight. And he promises that if he can’t beat Flair tonight, he’ll go streaking next week. This show is like a bizarre fever dream.
Tony Schiavone has INSIDE SOURCES on the phone and they confirm that Sting will 100% be here later tonight. Was he calling Gene’s hotline or something?
Booker v. Kidman
They’ve already given up on the elevator music gag for Booker and just given him new generic funk music for a theme. He should do like Big T and challenge someone else with better music to a match for the rights to it. I’m gonna make up my own storyline here and pretend that this match is for the rights to Kidman’s music, since the match will probably some kind of shitty non-finish anyway. Kidman slugs on Booker to start, but Booker suplexes him and puts him down with a back elbow for two. Kidman takes him down with a victory roll for two, but Booker puts him down with the axe kick and the Harris boys run in for the DQ at 1:30. See, shitty non-finish, just like I said.
Meanwhile, Harlem Heat joins Mean Gene and Stevie says something beginning with “a hard head makes a very very…” before stopping himself. Um, was that sentence going to end with the n-word?
Meanwhile, Lash Leroux has thoughts on the World title match tonight.
Meanwhile, we take a look at some guy with huge arms, and will apparently see him again on Thunder. Big Jake or something, who gives a shit?
Meanwhile, Norman Smiley supports Terry Funk in his upcoming battle with Dustin Rhodes. Oh yeah Dustin turned last week, I literally forgot.
WCW Hardcore title: Brian Knobs v. Evan Karagias, Shane Helms & Shannon Moore
Three Count attacks with trash cans, but Knobs fights them off with kendo sticks and clears the ring. Shannon takes the pit stop and Knobs tosses him over the top and then spends forever setting up a table in the aisle. Karagias gets powerbombed through the table, but Three Count dogpiles Knobs and wins the title at 3:14. Yes, three people are the Hardcore champion. Just go with it. ½* for Three Count’s bumps but Brian Knobs was like THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR ME BROTHER to every bump asked of him.
Meanwhile, Vampiro is BROODING to prepare for Jeff Jarrett tonight.
Meanwhile, Finlay and Knobs challenge Three Count to a six-man on Thunder. Gene points out that there’s only two of them, so Knobs says it’s time to BRING OUT THE DOG. Spoiler: It wasn’t metaphoric, they literally had a wrestler named The Dog as their partner.
Norman Smiley v. Dustin Rhodes
Dustin slugs him down, but Smiley gets a crossbody and does the dance. Biggest highspot of the night so far. They fight to the floor, but Dustin tags him with a right back in the ring, but Norman comes back and does the dance again, only for Dustin to clothesline him to the floor and run him into the stairs. Back in the ring, Dustin hits a flying lariat to finish at 2:45. This should have been Dustin gobbling up Smiley and looking like a monster but instead they just had a normal terrible match and went back and forth. DUD
Meanwhile, Nick Patrick makes his pick in the World title match. Who cares what Nick Patrick thinks?
WCW US title: Jeff Jarrett v. Vampiro
OK, so Vampiro was a surprise ratings draw and a new star, while Jarrett was perpetually in the World title scene with no end in sight and didn’t need the US title at all, so logically Vampiro should win the title here. Sorry, I couldn’t even finish typing that without laughing at my own silly joke. Tony makes a big deal about Jeff getting fined “$30,000” for hitting people with his guitar, and Madden completely no-sells it and jokes about how Jarrett tips waiters bigger than that and how the fines mean nothing to him. This fucker is so bad at wrestling. Like the worst. JEFF JARRETT IS A HEEL. HE SHOULD BE ANGRY AT THE BABYFACES FOR FINING HIM. Anyway Vampiro hits him with kicks and goes up for a senton, but that misses. Jarrett takes over with a sleeper, which I dub “The Jeff Jarrett match”, but Vampiro escapes with a uranage for two. Sunset flip gets two. So this brings out the Harris twins, still carrying the tag titles around, but Vampiro fights them off and Sid Vicious comes out as well and chases them off, only for Jarrett to hit Vampiro with the belt for two. But then bell rings anyway by mistake, so they ignore it and continue the match, with Vamp making a comeback with a back suplex. But then he goes up and misses a legdrop, and Jeff finishes him like the geek he is with the Stroke at 5:00 to retain. At least Tony got the memo that they were trying to put over Vampiro and made an effort to lie and say that the match was really impressive, even though it sucked. *
Meanwhile Disco is at the Nitro Party with Ricky Rocket or whatever his name is, and Ricky puts Three Count over huge and says they get all the chicks at the college campuses. That was apparently true, Three Count were huge stars with the college crowd and over big with the female demo. So of course they did nothing with them.
Meanwhile, David Flair dances with the Nitro Girls because he’s back to being crazy again after flirting with sanity a couple of weeks ago, but he stops the dancing and makes out with Daffney instead.
WCW Cruiserweight title: The Artist v. David Flair
Crowbar is back on commentary as Gordon Solie again. They stumble around and Prince hits a god-awful “suplay” and “Gordon” declares that it’s time for it to turn into a pier six brawl and he runs in to interfere while the women brawl at ringside. This allows Prince to “hit” the DDT for the pin at 2:15. He should call it the 1999 DDT because that’s how many tries it’s going to take him to actually make contact with it.
Meanwhile, Sid Vicious gets beat up backstage by a mysterious guitar-wielding assassin, and he’s on oxygen from the EMTs as a result. Spoiler: He got better.
Meanwhile, the Mamalukes deliver dead fishes to the Harris Brothers.
Meanwhile, Sid is already better (see?) and he’ll see Jeff Jarrett in HELL. But he’s woozy. That’s apparently the official medical diagnosis. Speaking of being in hell…
Ernest Miller v. The Maestro
Maestro comes out swinging, but Miller hits a DDT and does some dancing. Where are the damn Harris twins to break up THIS match? Maestro grabs the boombox from ringside and hits the Cat with it for the pin at 1:00. I guess he has to listen to Three Count music as a punishment for some kind of stipulation that they never really explained? I dunno, I don’t even understand who is supposed to be the heel here.
Ric Flair v. Curt Hennig
“Curt Hennig hasn’t wrestled in a while but he looks pretty flawless to me” notes Madden, patting himself on the back I’m sure. SEE THEY CAN’T SAY PERFECT HAW HAW. Except then later on they based an entire character on ripping off Mr. Perfect so whatever. They trade chops in the corner and Flair tries to go to the top, but Hennig slams him off and slugs away in the corner. The ref gets bumped, because that’s what this show needs, and Hennig hits the Perfectplex, but Luger runs in and breaks it up. Next up, Curt grabs a chair, but Flair kicks him in the nuts and pins him at 3:33. That low blow was a metaphor for the entire show. *. Also I guess Hennig has to run naked through the streets next week as promised? Probably not since WCW never met a stipulation they couldn’t ignore a day later, unless it’s the one where one guy has to listen to music he doesn’t like and then they’ll hammer that one for weeks for no reason.
Lex Luger v. Buff Bagwell
Buff dropkicks him and does his little dance, but Luger sends him to the floor for a gentle double axehandle off the apron, and then back in for some elbows that get two. And then stuff happens and Ric Flair runs in for the DQ at 4:50, but Sting makes the save, returning as advertised by Tony earlier in the show.
WCW World title: Sid Vicious v. Tank Abbott
Tank immediately grabs a guillotine and chokes Sid down, yelling out “HE’S GOING TO SLEEP!” in case we weren’t sure of the intention. Sid slumps in the ropes to escape and bails to the floor, but Tank brings him in and slams him before going to a chinlock. See, Sid got hit in the head with a guitar, so his ribs all are taped up here. Tank beats on the ribs in the corner, but Sid fires up and takes him down with a hilariously terrible crossface, and Tank taps out at 3:30 to retain. Oh my god if this company was any stupider they’d be WCW 2000. OH WAIT THEY LITERALLY ARE. No wonder everyone makes fun of them. Oh my god it’s like Sid saw Rock doing a Sharpshooter and said HOLD MY BEER I CAN DO SOMETHING WORSE. Tank was supposed to be a threat to GOLDBERG and they spent two hours building this up like Cody finishing the story and then had him tap to a fucking CROSSFACE in 3 minutes here. What’s next, he joins Three Count?
…never mind, forget I said that.
FUCK YOU WCW 2000 YOU WILL NOT BREAK ME. You might have destroyed Bobby Heenan and Tony Schiavone and Terry Funk and Bret Hart’s brain and Goldberg’s arm and Lex Luger’s workrate already this year, but I’m made of sterner stuff than that. DO YOUR WORST.