Never at a loss for words
Despite my last week’s birthday, I request no national holiday in my honor. I mean, I understand nobody did nothing for Martin Van Buren.
But I know Amelia Earhart grabbed July 24 and an old high school boyfriend once mentioned me on Dead End Day.
Honorable VIPs are creeping out like pizza rats in Midtown. June 7’s doing inaugural LGBTQ+ celebration from the Critics Choice Association.
Honorees in LA’s Century Plaza include Nathan Lane and George Takei.
So, me, temporarily, it’s thanks to Channel 5’s Rosanna Scotto, Channel 1’s Jamie Stelter, the NY Post, the Internet, ratty Page Six’s Ian Mohr whose scoops I truly deserve and others that celebrated my birthday. I’m appreciative.
Follow the leader
Even George Washington — accused of wanting to become king — got expectorated on.
Thomas Jefferson’s election included “John Adams is a blind, bald, crippled, toothless man. A hideous hermaphroditical character with neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman.”
Adams peed back: “Jefferson. Mean-spirited, low-lived” — those were his compliments.
1828, John Quincy Adams charged bigamy and adultery against Andrew Jackson. Also called him a murderer.
Jackson then accused Adams of pimping a girl to the czar. Of Russia. (Like where else they got a czar?)
1860, Stephen Douglas: “Drunkard Lincoln could ruin more liquor than all the boys in town together.”
Harper’s Magazine listed Abe’s following insults: “Filthy storyteller, Ignoramus Abe, Despot, Old scoundrel, perjurer, liar, robber, thief, swindler, braggart, tyrant, buffoon, fiend, usurper, butcher, monster, land-pirate.”
1876, Dems said Rutherford B. Hayes had a drunken fit of insanity. (Maybe to get rid of the name Rutherford.)
Grover Cleveland opponents claimed he fathered and abandoned an “illegitimate child.”
So: Those who came to my birthday party praiseless and giftless, forget it. Just know your names have been noted. In ink.
‘Suspicious Minds’ games
Deborah Presley’s endless missive to me calls me “bamboozled by spiritual seer John Cohen” (misspelled — it’s Cohan) who says he no longer takes her calls — and says he’ll take a lie detector test. All of which I reported.
Deborah: “I’m Elvis’ born child. I met Cohan. Called him twice. Says her p.r. man Ed Lozzi (her earlier text misspelled it) knew him who’d said he was once Elvis’ psychic. Lozzi informed John about my book. I called him. We discussed things. I gave him private conversations including Priscilla’s statement that I mean nothing to her. OLD news!!! Last month my actual meeting with Priscilla was uplifting. She allowed me to enter her secure area where I presented her with the book.”
She says I falsely reported Cohan’s false words that my book can’t be found in bookstores.
She says, “Yes it can. Books are sold through Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Walmart, and can be ordered from any standing book store. I now have a motion picture and eight-part TV series movie offer.”
OK. Good. A blessing on her head. Mazel tov. Mazel tov.
Heard at the White House:
“Is my fly open?”
“No.”
“Well, it should be. I’m peeing.”