Bill Goldberg vs. The Sandman (and other Dream Matches!)
By Jabroniville on 8th May 2024
- Hard to come up with a more “WTF?” Dream Match than THAT.
Welcome back to more Dream Matches! This week I have stuff from all over- Late-Stage WCW, 1993 WWF, 1997 Lucha, and more! We start off with a Spring Break Nitro with Bill Goldberg taking on Hardcore Hak, aka The Sandman during his brief run in WCW! Then it’s “The Rocket” Owen Hart in a midcard match against rising heel Mr. Hughes in 1993 WWF!
Then I found the brother team of Doctor Wagner Jr. & Silver King against El Dandy & Lizmark from 1997 Mexico! And from there, it’s a super informative match featuring Evan Karagias defending the WCW Cruiserweight Title (yes, really) against La Parka- informative because Karagias is one of those uniquely bad guys that can actually teach you a lot about pro wrestling by doing so many important things wrong that you start to figure out what the proper mechanics of it are. Finally, it’s a rare HULK HOGAN squash, as he takes on jobber Bill Dixon in 1993, the Hulkster coming in hot from Rocky 3!
GOLDBERG vs. HARDCORE HAK (w/ Chastity):
(WCW Nitro, March 22nd 1999)
* Man, WCW had Goldberg/Sandman on live TV! Now THAT’S a dream match! So Hak was of course Sandman’s WCW name, as he kept a similar character minus the sympathetic side, so he’s just a guy who likes violence and wraps himself in barbed wire. I mean, it’s a fine midcard character, I dunno. Ricky Rachtman does an interview with Hak, who dubs himself “Hardcore Hak, the King of Extreme!” and cracks his own forehead open with a Singapore cane. This is one of those great Panama City Nitros with the pool backdrop.
Hak actually uses TACTICS to start, slide-kicking Goldberg’s feet on the apron and choking him out against the metal guardrail and just throws punch after punch into the guy’s forehead- extra points for shaking off the pain of hitting him each time. Though Hak is, if anything, LARGER than Goldberg. But Goldberg just chooses to stop selling and growls defiantly in that Goldbergian way, clubbing Hak down, but Hak pulls him to the floor in another smart move. He mutters “reversal” on-camera and ends up in Goldberg’s drop-powerslam, and Goldberg tries a CROSS-ARMBREAKER of all things, going side-saddle a mile from Hak’s body and of course there’s a rope-break. But Hak slugs him in the gut and bulldogs him onto a chair, and it’s CANE TIME! But Goldberg starts no-selling again, roaring defiantly and whipping the cane down, so Hak has to gutshot him again and grab it for the White Russian Legsweep, Goldberg holding still and Hak crashing down. Powerslam! SPEAR! And it’s a murderous one where Hak hits the ground like a sack of shit, lol. The Jackhammer finishes at (3:00).
Funny little match, as Hak leads it with a dizzying array of punches and keeps trying comebacks with gutshots, but Goldberg just starts no-selling everything. God help me but that amuses and delights me, especially when he just roars in the other guy’s face and crushes him. As much as it just totally buries guys WCW may or may not want to push further. His bizarre recklessness is on display, too, as he grabs Hak’s weapon and repeatedly whips it down almost like he’s legitimately trying to overpower and disarm him. The funny thing is Hak actually trying to use smart tactics to keep Goldberg at bay and on his toes, but it’s just not to be when the big guy is in his “defiant roar” no-selling mode.
Rating: 1/2* (almost a match! Mostly sloppy and legitimately scrappy but not an affront to God or anything)
MR. HUGHES (w/ Harvey Whippleman) vs. “THE ROCKET” OWEN HART:
(WWF Mania, May 29th 1993)
* It’s more “Blue Singlet” Owen, as he takes on up & coming Taker enemy Mr. Hughes! Who was not around very long.
Standard-issue “big vs. little” opening with Hughes shoving Owen around and bludgeoning him a bit, Owen not doing much movement and getting caught with stuff. He does a drop-toehold and a terrible armwringer, not helped by Hughes being such a stiff he barely moves. Funny bit as Owen tries his enzuigiri but Hughes is so tall it whiffs completely, Hughes flinching before realizing he can’t sell that shit and Monsoon calling it out on commentary (“I don’t think it would have been that successful if it HAD connected…”). Owen keeps on the arm as this is dreadful, Hughes punching him frequently to get out of things as Monsoon hypes the King of the Ring PPV (where Hughes is taking on Mr. Perfect). Hughes moves like he has a literal metal rod for a spine as he avoids a dropkick and can only throw a couple stomps, a big boot & a clothesline before running into Owen’s boot and a facecrusher finally brings him down. Owen fires off dropkicks and his wheel kick before charging right into the Sidewalk Slam like a doofus and getting pinned at (4:45)- Mr. Hughes handily defeats him.
haha man, I keep WANTING to like Mr. Hughes’s stuff as he has this great “Video Game Boss” look to him and I love Big Fat Guy wrestlers, but jesus christ he is so bad. He just can’t move AT ALL, appearing totally unathletic and unable to even pull off a scary vibe with his movements. He’s just ramrod-straight as he throws overhand shots and stomps, not putting any of his considerable weight behind anything. And Owen can’t really do anything with him, as Hughes won’t sell the arm-wringer stuff and only kinda half-sells any of the strikes so he doesn’t even come off as a tough guy no-selling, nor does Owen get any rub from “hurting” him. Either do one or the other! Not halfsies!
Rating: * (a really weak TV match with no real appreciable offense from either guy)
DOCTOR WAGNER JR. & SILVER KING (w/ Doctor Wagner) vs. EL DANDY & LIZMARK:
(CMLL, Feb. 21st 1997)
* Sweet! GOOD Lucha! Probably! I hope! It’s brothers Dr. Wagner Jr. & Silver King (backed up by their father, who amazingly wears an actual white doctor’s outfit plus his mask) vs. El Dandy & Lizmark (not WCW’s Lizmark Jr., but his dad)- all are somewhat big names on the scene (Wagner in particular is awesome every time I’ve seen him, but has spent fairly little time outside of Mexico where other fans might have seen him). They spend ages dealing with the Wagners’ argument with commentator Ray Mendoza (father of the Villanos). Wagner & King are in matching white tights (King unmasks before the match, but he has one of those physiques where you could recognize him wearing a garbage bag), Dandy’s in a blue singlet with stars on it, and Lizmark’s got a blue mask and white trunks over blue tights. Lucha tags are “you have to pin both guys”, and this is one fall.
The Wagners attack before the bell and we’re off, Dandy way-selling a shot from Wagner Sr. on the apron and now he’s flopping around like Jake Roberts, but he fires off a punch that has King spasming on the mat. They tag out and the rudos cheat frequently, but the technicos come back on the floor, only for Wagner to hit a short-arm clothesline on Dandy for two in the ring. But Dandy gets tossed up for a sweet leg-hook hurricanrana (!), King interfering to break the pin. Lizmark’s tilt-a-whirl backbreaker renders SK spasming again, but he & Dandy either miscommunicate or have issues figuring out where to go next, because they do a LOT of stalling and waiting for moves, or chatting, Dandy doing a silly spin into the corner, but he manages clothesline on both guys and come back off that- double rollups get two and Lizmark scores a flying cross-body on a running-in Lizmark, and the two are left with each other. Missile dropkick from Lizmark gets two, they trade pin attempts, and finally SK cheats and hits a missile kick of his own to set up Wagner’s Tiger Driver for the three (7:24). Dandy quickly gets overwhelmed and they hit an Assisted Superbomb on him at (8:54) to finish.
This was a bit disappointing, as it’s only about 9 minutes long and had a long breakdown in the middle where it looked like Dandy & Silver King couldn’t figure out what they were doing, and things started looking super-choreographed and like guys were getting into position for moves way too early. Plus the usual issues I have with lucha where it looks like they’re getting somewhere and then both guys just tag out to set off a new story. Too bad, because King & Dandy are really good at worked punches and Lizmark could add some flying around, but the only really good moves were the two finishers.
Rating: **1/4 (fine TV match I guess, but it broke down at points and just felt like “random stuff”)
WCW CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE:
EVAN KARAGIAS (w/ Madusa) vs. LA PARKA:
(WCW Saturday Night, Dec. 4th 1999)
* Yes, WCW was so bad in 1999 that EVAN KARAGIAS was the Cruiserweight Champion. He was doing an angle here where predatory cougar Madusa attacked the sexy young boytoy like something out of a porno movie, becoming his manager/lover (you know Russo was writing this), and would eventually take the belt from him, losing it herself to OKLAHOMA. Man, late-stage WCW was so sad. La Parka is in the BITCHING red/black variant of his skeleton gear, while Karagias is in very 1999 khakis.
La Parka does some fatass lucha stuff to bump Evan around, Karagias somehow fucking up a bump to the floor in the worst way possible, then eating a plancha. La Parka gets crotched up top while Tenay & Hudson debate whether or not this is a Title match (Hudson is AGHAST at the 250-260-lb. La Parka challenging for it), then Karagias does some Internationals and manages to slip before hitting a corner clothesline. Powerslam & clothesline get two-counts, but he is so bad he can only do “run into the corner” as a transition, and is way out of position for Parka slamming him into the corner so he takes this massive stride to get there. They repeatedly miss shots in the corner and this is too complex for Evan to do, and he does a really clunky flying rana & lucha headscissors, then pescadoes onto a chair-wielding Parka like a complete dumbass and gets wiped out by the chair for the DQ at (2:45). Parka prepares to follow up, but Madusa makes the save, Parka hilariously selling a single high kick between the shoulder blades like a deathblow and rolling out of the ring.
Man, Evan Karagias was SO BAD. I mean, that’s not much of a surprise (he’s one of many guys who vanished between the “WCW to WWF/TNA” transition), but he was bad in very specific ways, like getting into position for things or doing reversals without stalling out or slipping. It makes him look dangerous and bad, even if he has the “Cruiserweight Moveset” of ranas & headscissors and stuff. The more wrestling I review, the more I notice things like this- he just has no ring awareness. It’s actually very informative if you want to learn how wrestling actually works, because he’s very specifically doing all of that WRONG, so you realize how important “end up in the proper position before you try the next thing” actually is (ie. they actually plan the spots very specifically), and making sure you have the correct number of steps so you don’t have to take these giant strides or risk slipping because you weren’t centered properly.
Rating: 1/2* (really bad, plodding match with a weak finish- Parka was trying a bit but Karagias was clumsy and all over the place)
THE INCREDIBLE HULK HOGAN vs. BILL DIXON:
(WWF TV, Dec. 28th 1983)
* OH HELL YES MORE HOGAN SQUASH STUFF! This one features the Hulkster, newly back in the WWF after “Rocky 3” came out (he comes down to “Eye of the Tiger”) against a perfect jobber- Dixon is a barrel-shaped guy with formless arms, a terrible 1980s perm mullet, and a lame goatee. He looks exactly like the fake tough guy you might see in a dive bar… which is kind of the idealized form of a jobber, if you think about it.
Hogan effortlessly toys with Dixon, knocking him over from an international and just plopping him up on the top rope to “escape” a headlock, then pulls out his MOVEZ with a spinning drop toehold and the stepover-armbar thing that always impresses people from his Japanese stuff. He’d drop those from the WWF in short order. Dixon comes back with an eyerake, but Hogan pretty quickly stops selling (no Hulk-Up or “stop dead and stare at them” yet) and just beats his ass, leading to a clothesline, bodyslam & Legdrop for the three at (3:04). A shockingly long squash by Hogan standards, as he never looks in trouble but takes his time pulling this guy apart. The most interesting stuff was Hogan still using his “Japan Offense” before he stopped using it in the US.
Rating: 1/4 (your everyday squash)