Power Women: Barbie Adler of Selective Search On How To Successfully Navigate Work, Love and Life As A Powerful Woman
An Interview With Ming Zhao
A great support system: To consistently operate at your peak performance level, you have to trust and rely on others in your personal and professional life. At Selective Search, I take hiring decisions very seriously. These are the people whose judgement and talents I need to rely on every day to provide our clients with the highest levels of service. You need the best and I have worked hard to assemble and empower the best of the best. It is the same in my personal life. I have a strong network of family, friends and experts who are my day-to-day support system allowing me to channel my feminine power and operate at my highest level.
How does a successful, strong, and powerful woman navigate work, employee relationships, love, and life in a world that still feels uncomfortable with strong women? In this interview series, called “Power Women” we are talking to accomplished women leaders who share their stories and experiences navigating work, love and life as a powerful woman.
As a part of this series I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing Barbie Adler.
Barbie Adler, President and Founder of Selective Search, is a national expert on dating and relationships. Barbie believes that to love and to be loved is the most important and powerful of all human emotions, which is why she founded Selective Search, North America’s leading luxury matchmaking firm. Selective Search has the highest success rates in the industry, a product of the company’s process which combines sophisticated algorithms and executive recruiting methodologies with traditional matchmaking intuition.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we dig in, our readers would like to get to know you a bit more. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood “backstory”?
My mother was a psychologist, so I grew up attending seminars, reading Psychology Today and listening to her lead marriage and relationship seminars. There were posters all over our house when I was growing up about marriage and relationships and I found them very intriguing. This is what got me so deeply interested in relationships and human behavior. My mother was also a role model as a female entrepreneur in the 70’s and 80’s when that was still fairly uncommon. She earned her master’s degree in psychology and started her own practice while I was still in high school; showing me it is never too late to pursue your dreams.
Can you tell us the story about what led you to this particular career path?
I always had a passion for interpersonal relationships because of my early exposure to it. I started in Public Relations and then Executive Search when I saw an addressable market in high-end personal search that no one was serving the way I knew I could by employing executive search techniques. It was always important to me to have deep interpersonal relationships in both my professional and personal life. Matchmaking and helping people find love is truly a passion of mine and led me to founding Selective Search.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you began your career?
As a matchmaker for over 20 years, I have an unlimited supply of interesting stories that I can never tell! We work with many of the world’s most interesting and successful individuals who require discretion and privacy in their personal lives and that’s where Selective Search comes in. Our clients are the Who’s Who of powerful and high-profile people who have the most interesting lives. All they are missing is that perfect person to share it with.
Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the primary focus of our interview. The premise of this series assumes that our society still feels uncomfortable with strong women. Why do you think this is so?
In the early days of my career, I observed that men were often rewarded for being confident and assertive, while women were encouraged to be softer and more collaborative. These outdated stereotypes are what make some people uncomfortable with strong women and women in leadership roles. Today more than ever, we have increasing numbers of strong women in top leadership positions and greater portrayals of powerful women in pop culture, changing these antiquated notions of female leadership. Powerful women are paving the way by raising strong women and mentoring young female professionals. At Selective Search, we meet these stereotypes head on. We embrace the notion of being a strong woman and still being feminine and light. We recognize femininity as the heartbeat of our organization and encourage our female leaders to embrace their power. Many traits that are seen as feminine have proven to be the characteristics of effective leaders regardless of gender. Empathy, collaboration, active listening, and multi-tasking are just some examples of leadership skills where women excel. We can be confident and decisive, too and should never apologize for it.
Without saying any names, can you share a story from your own experience that illustrates this idea?
Like most successful female leaders, I have experienced this from time to time throughout my career. I don’t dwell on it as it speaks to other’s insecurities. When people feel threatened or uncomfortable around me or other powerful women, it says much more about them than it does about us. I find it exhausting and unnecessary to respond to other people’s insecurities and biases. Instead, I tell my inner voice to be strong enough to not take it personally. Lead with your strength, lift others up and inspire through your actions.
What should a powerful woman do in a context where she feels that people are uneasy around her?
Stay the course. Remind yourself, “you’re not intimidating, they’re intimidated.” Step into your power and don’t apologize. You can lead with a peaceful heart when you accept that you are not responsible for other people’s fear or shortcomings. You are not obligated to engage. Stay professional and let your success speak for you. Channel the strength of your naysayers into drive, purpose, and passion — then stop listening to them. Listen instead to the people in your life who are cheering your success.
What do we need to do as a society to change the unease around powerful women?
Women must continue to take our place in boardrooms, writing rooms, on editorial teams and everywhere. And we need to amplify each other’s opinions and great work. Having more women in important decision-making roles is how we redefine “normal” power structures. As a society, we need to continue celebrating and shining a light on strong women, and remaining aware of the psychology surrounding the discomfort around these same women. We need to raise both genders to be aware of harmful stereotypes — call it out, have the conversation. This is how we change the narrative on strong women.
In my own experience, I have observed that often women have to endure ridiculous or uncomfortable situations to achieve success that men don’t have to endure. Do you have a story like this from your own experience? Can you share it with us?
There are many experiences that have happened throughout my life, especially in the early days of my career. It’s important to acknowledge that these types of situations are more about the other people, and not a reflection of you. I have always been confident in who I am, and that my intentions are good, so I move forward comfortable in my female energy and don’t let anyone dim my light. It is an unfortunate truth that you will always have to deal with bullies or naysayers. You just have to keep running your own race. I have created an environment at Selective Search that is positive and empowering. Our staff is primarily female, and we make it part of our culture to lift each other up by encouraging each other and embracing our feminine power.
In your opinion, what are the biggest challenges faced by women leaders that aren’t typically faced by their male counterparts?
Men often start from a position of respect and assumed competence, where women often have to demonstrate and earn the same level of respect and recognition over a longer time frame.
Let’s now shift our discussion to a slightly different direction. This is a question that nearly everyone with a job has to contend with. Was it difficult to fit your personal and family life into your business and career? For the benefit of our readers, can you articulate precisely what the struggle was?
During our start-up phase, Selective Search consumed my entire life and I made major sacrifices navigating those early days. I frequently had to elect out of family and personal events to stay at the office because I was committed to our success and genuinely needed the time. As the company has matured and grown, I have surrounded myself with top talent and can now set healthier boundaries and achieve better balance.
What was a tipping point that helped you achieve a greater balance or greater equilibrium between your work life and personal life? What did you do to reach this equilibrium?
The more successful Selective Search became, the more resources we had, which enabled me to hire incredibly talented individuals who would become my trusted panel of experts. Hiring the best talent in our industry allowed me to scale the business in a way that continues to provide the high-end service our clients expect without falling into the trap of doing everything myself. Building a high performing team takes time, but it allows me to delegate and makes a more balanced life possible.
I work in the beauty tech industry, so I am very interested to hear your philosophy or perspective about beauty. In your role as a powerful woman and leader, how much of an emphasis do you place on your appearance? Do you see beauty as something that is superficial, or is it something that has inherent value for a leader in a public context? Can you explain what you mean?
I have always been passionate about beauty and fashion. I am an advocate for self-care, and I encourage women to do what they can to look and feel good — in whatever way feels right for them. I feel my best when I look my best, so skin care and getting dressed up is a regular part of my routine.
How you present yourself as a leader is important for both men and women and I don’t consider it superficial. Self-image and self-care are very intertwined. When you feel good, you look good, and vice versa so I do think there is inherent value for leaders to take care of themselves in order to project confidence and professionalism.
How is this similar or different for men?
While the beauty and image standards for men and women may be different, it is equally important for both genders to look and feel their best in high pressure business situations. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle is important across the board in order to have the energy and longevity required for sustained success. And as an entrepreneur, male or female, you are the face of your business.
Ok super. Here is the main question of our interview. Based on your opinion and experience, what are the “Five Things You Need To Thrive and Succeed as a Powerful Woman?” (Please share a story or example for each.)
- Passion: I truly believe you have to love what you do. When you wake up and do what you love every day, on most days it won’t feel like work so much as fulfillment of your passion.
- Determination: As an entrepreneur it is personal. Failure is not an option, no is not an answer, and you must be dedicated to making it happen. I left a successful career and started Selective Search completely on my own. I never gave up, and more than two decades later, we are a thriving and growing business helping our clients find love every day.
- Empathy and the ability to see beyond the obvious: Empathy and high EQ are critical for strong leadership and essential in business and matchmaking.
- Confidence: Believe in yourself so you can lead with love and light rather than fear and doubt.
- A great support system: To consistently operate at your peak performance level, you have to trust and rely on others in your personal and professional life. At Selective Search, I take hiring decisions very seriously. These are the people whose judgement and talents I need to rely on every day to provide our clients with the highest levels of service. You need the best and I have worked hard to assemble and empower the best of the best. It is the same in my personal life. I have a strong network of family, friends and experts who are my day-to-day support system allowing me to channel my feminine power and operate at my highest level.
We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them.
I am a huge admirer of the work Melinda Gates is doing as a philanthropist and advocate for women and girls globally. She is a shining example of the powerful combination of strong female leadership, having consistently been ranked as one of the world’s most powerful women, and empathy demonstrated through her philanthropy and advocacy on behalf of women and children around the globe.
Thank you for these fantastic insights. We greatly appreciate the time you spent on this.
