Born in Bradford, Adrian Edmondson, 61, is best known for his TV roles in The Young Ones and Bottom, the latter of which he wrote with his comedy partner, the late Rik Mayall. Last month, he published his second children’s book, Junkyard Jack And The Horse That Talked; he has also co-written a play with Nigel Planer, Vulcan 7, which tours from September. He is married to the comedian Jennifer Saunders, has three daughters and lives in London.
When were you happiest?
My granddaughter is only one, but she gives the best hugs. That’s when I’m happiest at the moment.
What is your greatest fear?
Getting dementia and not having the means to top myself. My dad had it and I often thought, as he looked at me with startled and fearful eyes, that he was imploring me to do him in.
What is your earliest memory?
Acquiring a penknife aged four and keeping it hidden in a storm drain on the army base where we lived in Cyprus. I still have an enormous scar on my thumb where I sliced it open trying to close the knife. I ran home, covered in blood.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
There’s a pompous, haughty, know-it-all inside me who keeps trying to get out. He’s ugly, vicious and mostly wrong, anyway, so I don’t know why he thinks he’s so great.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Pretty much everything. When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I’m shocked by the fat, balding git staring back at me. He looks pretty shocked, too.
What did you want to be when you were growing up?
I only ever wanted to be an actor or a rock star. I was suspended from school in the sixth form and allowed back only when I promised to join the army. But I lied.
What is the worst thing anyone has said to you?
I’ve had a lot of bad reviews, but only one that really hurt. Alan Coren called Bottom “witless tosh”. It’s quite mild as criticism goes, but Rik and I were such huge fans of his that it hurt us terribly.
Is it better to give or to receive?
Receiving is more difficult, because it’s hard to be enthusiastic about some of the crap you get given.
What is your guiltiest pleasure?
I collect vinyl 45s and absolutely adore so-called naff 70s singles like Seasons In The Sun by Terry Jacks.
What was the best kiss of your life?
When we were first going out, whenever I went round to Jennifer’s place, she’d open the door and we would snog for 10 minutes before even saying hello. It was amazing.
What is the worst job you’ve done?
I worked in the largest pork pie factory in Europe. I had a plastic mushroom-shaped thing and had to tamp down the meat into the pie base. It was a conveyor belt of pies from nine to five. The worst thing was the crackly AM radio, which was played loudly through the tinny tannoy system. I still can’t listen to I’m Not In Love by 10cc without thinking of raw minced pork.
What has been your biggest disappointment?
Not doing Top Of The Pops when The Young Ones’ single went to number one.
If you could edit your past, what would you change?
I practise stoicism. Not the stiff-upper-lip, modern stuff, but the ancient Greek philosophy. You have to accept what you can’t change. I try to face forwards all the time. When that doesn’t work, I think about buying a machine gun.
What is the closest you’ve come to death?
I hit a bit of lumpy tarmac driving my motorbike over the Pyrenees in the early 1980s. There was no safety barrier and I found myself riding along the edge of a precipice on half the width of the tyres for 100 yards.
What song would you like played at your funeral?
Jazz, Delicious Hot, Disgusting Cold by the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band. Whenever Rik and I got stuck writing a script, we would put this on and the world would immediately seem to be a more stupidly brilliant place again.
Tell us a joke
Why did Tigger get his head stuck in the toilet? Because he was looking for Pooh.
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