90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After, Truth Hurts, An Epsiode Review

In Sharp Entertainment's latest pro-duction, the only show with more human failures than an Ebola vaccine trial, 90-Day Fiance, we see our protagonists attempting to get their shit together. Will they get their shit together? Will they sort out their turbulent love lives? Or, will the producers pay them not to do that?

Elizabeth and Andrei

Elizabeth is achieving her dreams. She is going to be a singer. She’s going to a voice coach to get more skill points. And she is very impressed with Elizabeth’s dream. It’s so realistic, she’s going to be a star. After trying way too hard to sing “Mary Had a Little Lamb” it’s time for “The Itsy Bitsy Spider.” Then crushing her dreams.

Maybe Andrei’s dad, who doesn’t speak English, will support her. This is why she’s been practicing her Romanian. Andrei’s dad is impressed with the house. His entire neighborhood could live here, it would be like one of Charlie’s properties! And they have ice cream?

The only way this could go downhill is if you tell how much you want to f’ your Brother-in-Law. Andrei tells his dad how their housewarming party went and how badly he wants to f’ his Brother-in-Law, who has a drinking problem. Also, Elizabeth’s mom is crazy.

Andrei’s dad thinks that everyone should work together to help Charlie with his drinking problem. Andrei meets with Pam, Elizabeth’s mom, to heal the family. She will accept that Charlie has a problem and acknowledge that only he- or not. What was that? Common ground? This is easy, you want to see hard?

Pam doesn’t disagree that Charlie has a problem, but she really wants to ignore it. Andrei can’t sign a ceasefire? They can have a quickie in the closet. Andrei is being a coward, and judgemental. He is isolating his wife from her family, why could he isolate her wife from her family?

Producers: Lets play that montage of why Andrei’s isolating Libby from her family.

It, it won’t look good on Facebook if you’re not there.

Producers: Lets play that montage of Charlie not changing.

He is her baby.

Angela and Mykul

The grandkids need help, from Mykul. Mee-maw has no idea how bikes work, because they’re exercise. So is pestering her about Mykul. Where is he mee-maw? Have you considered praying to Satan? He is the great dark one!

Angela tells Mykul a very awkward happy birthday. He asked her for money again. And set up his own Instagram account! Mykul doesn’t understand why that’s a big deal. But f’ him and his birthday. Who could take this without snapping?

“Everybody else but her?”

Thank you, imaginary person. Angela doesn’t know what she’s doing, all Mykul cares about is the visa. She is so hurt. Only a trip to the buffet can heal her soul. Everybody pretend to eat healthily!

Angela decides that since they’re all here together she can air her and Mykul’s dirty laundry. Skyla thinks that she should divorce him. By the way, you dragging me through all this made me a therapist. Maybe he’s doing the same thing you’re doing because he’s mad at you. You are being played ma’am. Don’t go over to- or go over to Nigeria to save your marriage.

How much did the producers pay you to do that? I want double, I put up with this, every day of my life.

Jenny and Sumit

Jenny and Sumit are going on their honeymoon, down by the river! Mr. and Mrs. Sumit are going to have fun! And sex, or river rafting, Sumit is ready to have an adventure. Jenny is ready to screw and sleep. They really need this.

Sumit has to explain to the concierge that this isn’t his mother, or grandmother, or…this is his wife. They got married. The concierge is confused but likes money. Sumit chose a beautiful room perfect for a sexy photoshoot. Nothing could- hey honey, I think that I need to get a real job. How have we been paying bills? Sumit wants to be a chef, he’s going to restart his food business. He’ll be off on Mondays or Tuesdays, or eventually.

Jenny wants Sumit to stay home with her, she makes enough money for the both of them. Could we start an OnlyFans? Your mom is already pissed so would it matter?

The Civil War

The Civil War was officially over “States Rights”. But most people knew that it was over Slavery. Slavery was a long-standing and complicated issue that divided North and South. Although people weren’t particularly woken back then even a racist Northener objected to owning a person. And all the wealth, power, and political influence that the owner had.

Some people refused to fight in the war because they weren’t going to go get themselves killed for some (racial slur). Abraham Lincoln was forced to start a draft. And now I will tell you the story of how my racist, evil genius a lot of great grandfathers avoided- oh hi Kim and Usman.

Kim and Usman

Interacting with the second wife? Why? She doesn’t want to meet the second wife. Usman brings out Kabiru to convince her. He’s here to answer all her questions and tell her it’ll be great because he’s a man. Did you know that you have to love and respect all your wives equally? Usman, did you tell her that? Once he has 10 children and four wives he can be done. And you can be friends!

Kim has objections. This isn’t how polygamy….Usman, did you lie to me about how polygamy works? Kim is pissed off. Would he like a drink? It will bring all the mens to the yard.

Usman sees this as a sign, maybe he shouldn’t marry her. She can go back to America, tomorrow. Kim feels like she is owed an apology. Maybe people are right, this is insane.

“It is.”

Thank you, imaginary person.

“You’re welcome.”

Shaeeda and Bilal

Shaeeda wants to decorate HER house. Bilal doesn’t want her to decorate HIS house. We can’t have color in here. That’s crazy, hey, are we black? Shaeeda picked the most expensive store in Kansas City and Bilal has to explain Capitalism to her.

Shaeeda sees the baby stuff and Bilal can’t stop her. When are we having a baby husband? It’s a clause in the prenup. God is telling them something.

God: Shaeeda, my child, divorce this man.

Satan: I AGREE.

Can they go see a fertility specialist, next week maybe? Bilal tells his mom how crazy Shaeeda is being, and that children are not plagues, nope, he did not say that. He wants…is she trying to manipulate him? Bilal’s mom asks him if he’s just stringing her along. Are they on the same page? Am I going to win that “Divorce #3” bet with everyone at the…you are an Imam.

I give this episode 3.8/5 stars. The highlight was Andrei, not being an overbearing douche, and, right, a good…oh my god, it’s like people are multi-dimensional. Usman gets an honorable mention for explaining that having sex with someone is not adapting to their culture. An alarming amount of people needed to hear that.

And next week…things happen, the preview got cut off. Maybe Charlie goes to rehab and Angela finally gets that exorcism. And Shaeeda will lay an egg, giving Bilal a plague. Exciting stuff! That will like totally happen.