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The day is finally upon us. The third Fifty Shades installment, Fifty Shades Freed — or what the advertisements are so cleverly calling the climax (get it?!) — hits theaters February 9. In honor of the series' highly anticipated finish, here's a Very Scientific ranking of the franchise's most memorable sex scenes … so far. (If you'd like to follow along at home, you can stream the first two movies here and here.)
10. The Tie Scene (Fifty Shades of Grey)
Arguably, this is the most realistic of all the sex scenes in the Fifty Shades series. Christian and Ana have already slept together for the first time, which presumably means he's already awoken her "Inner Goddess." After a bath and a sensual scrub that feels straight out of a commercial for a mall jeweler, he ties her up with his own tie (v. DIY) and then almost goes down on Ana. But just when things are starting to get good, we hear the voice of Marcia Gay Harden (in a woefully underused role as Christian's mother). Oh no! Ana's naked, but Christian's mom is there! Time to put some clothes on! This scene will resonate deeply with anyone who has tried to engage in some sexy time, only to be thwarted by the sudden appearance of a family member or annoying roommate.
9. The Ice Cube Scene (Fifty Shades of Grey)
Christian might be a sociopath, but since we're all about seeing the good in people, I'd like to point out one of his more redeeming qualities: It's clear that he gets ALL of his sex tips from women's magazines from the early '90s (😎). This scene aims to titillate — Christian ties up Ana's wrists and blindfolds her with her shirt, then grabs an ice cube. He runs it (slowly and sensually, of course) down her body, flips her over, spanks her, puts on a condom like a respectable gentleman, and has sex with her doggy style. Unfortunately, I have to detract points for how much emphasis the director decided to put on that damn ice cube. It almost becomes comical.
8. The Post-Auction Scene (Fifty Shades Darker)
Ana's been wearin' silver balls up in her vagina throughout an entire auction, as one does. (Wait, I'm sorry: "Inner Goddess Silver Metal Pleasure Balls," according to Fifty Shades' very own sex toy line.) After Ana wins (loses? She pays $24,000) the auction, they get the hell out — and then they return to Christian's childhood bedroom, for some reason. They passionately kiss. "I want you to spank me," Ana says. He ties up her wrists. Then he unties her, takes out the balls, and flips her over, and then ... the sex commences. He asks her to come for him, but, like, it's only been a few minutes. Has Christian ever actually had sex with a lady? Does he know how long it takes women to finish?
7. The After-the-Kitchen Scene (Fifty Shades Darker)
OK, maybe this is the most relatable sex scene because it's kind of feels straight outta #datenight. Christian goes down on Ana (one of the only decent traits about him is that he's enthusiastic about performing oral sex).
"What do you want, Anastasia?" he asks, VERY dramatically. "I want all of you," she replies, all breathily.
They then proceed to have tame missionary sex because they are clearly no longer reading our expert-approved tips for spicing up their sex lives.
6. The Pool Table Scene (Fifty Shades Darker)
Is it just me, or are games of pool in the movies + on TV approximately 10000 times sexier than they are in real life? Anyway, during a spirited game of billiards, Christian says he hopes Ana's not a sore loser. Her reply? "It depends how hard you spank me." He then informs Ana he's going to be rough with her. He bends her over and then proceeds to have sex with her from behind, on the pool table, because he once heard Ludacris's "What's Your Fantasy?" and thought I can do better than that list.
5. The Spreader Bar Scene (Fifty Shades Darker)
Real talk: Most of the Fifty Shades Darker sexxxxx scenes kind of blur together. This scene is different (ish) because Christian uses a metal spreader bar on Ana (available on Amazon, if you're curious, because if there's one thing the Fifty Shades series is good at, it's selling stuff). He goes down on her again, flips her over, and has doggy style sex with her. Everybody wins!
4. The Shower Kiss Scene (Fifty Shades Darker)
After a highly implausible shower escapade (their...clothes are on???), Ana says she wants to go into the Red Room — which they do — which means that type of sex is about to happen. If you're into that, this is great! If you're not, it's not. The most exciting part of this, to me, is their ability to travel so swiftly from shower to Red Room without an awkward exchange of towels. Movie magic at its finest.
3. The First Time (Fifty Shades of Grey)
This was the moment everyone was waiting for. The first time they do it. The people behind-the-scenes really tried their hardest to make this seem romantic, and like the way everyone wishes they had lost their virginity. There's a shot of Ana's leg hair (because virgins don't shave their thighs, apparently), you get a Jamie Dornan butt shot, and then you get some standard issue missionary sex, because as we will come to learn throughout the series, Christian Grey is a man of few actually exciting sex moves.
2. The Red Room of Pain Scene (Fifty Shades of Grey)
Or, wait…is this what everyone was waiting for? Set to the tune of a mediocre cover of "Crazy In Love," filled to the brim with flogging, rope, restraints, and sex...well, it definitely isn't boring, I'll give it that.
1. The Elevator Scene (Fifty Shades Darker)
Honestly, this is the only legitimately hot scene in the entire first two movies. Why? Because a) it's in public, and b) it's not just overt softcore porn. The best part, though, is you know Ana is getting off here, and not just Christian, which automatically makes it better than their other sexy time encounters. Plus, the music choice ("Moondance" by Van Morrison) was a nice surprise. Who doesn't love doin' it to Van Morrison?
Still, it's pretty ridiculous that nobody would be able to tell that his hand was up her skirt. How do you maneuver your skirt that easily? How does no one in the elevator realize what's going on? Will Ana get her underwear back after giving it to Christian at dinner? These are all confounding questions, and it just goes to show that Fifty Shades' true genre is mystery.
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