FADE IN:

INT. WAREHOUSE

VANESSA KIRBY and her MI6 TEAM go to a PLACE to grab a MACGUFFIN. But then EVIL CYBORG IDRIS ELBA and his MAGIC SENTIENT MOTORCYCLE attack!

VANESSA KIRBY

Evil cyborgs and robo-bikes? Sorry, I was supposed to be in a Fast and Furious movie! I’ll just leave you to your third-rate episode of Agents of SHIELD or whatever the hell this is.

IDRIS ELBA

Nah, you’re in the right place. I guess after Vin Diesel jumped his racecar over the evil super-hacker’s arctic submarine in the last movie, the screenwriters finally screamed “ALL RIGHT FUCK IT ALL THEN” and belly-flopped all the way down into straight-up cartoon sci-fi land.

VANESSA KIRBY

Oh. Okay whatever, I can’t let you get your hands on this MacGuffin! So I’ll just grab this, uhhh, let’s say, plutonium? Wanna do plutonium?

IDRIS ELBA

Eh, Mission Impossible: Fallout did plutonium and we can’t afford that comparison. How about launch codes? Those are always pretty fun.

VANESSA KIRBY

Ghost Protocol had those, though. Hmmm, there’s got to still be some kind of MacGuffin that wasn’t already done better in one of the beloved – oh I know! We can just use an engineered virus, which the heroine injects into herself thus creating a ticking clock until her organs become soup, exactly like in Mission: Impossible II! Because fuck that fucking movie!

She STABS the VIRUS into herself and RUNS AWAY.

IDRIS ELBA

Shit! All right minions, set this crime scene up so that Vanessa is framed, me and my pet bike are out of here. Heigh ho, Silver!

(robo-bikes away)

INT. OPENING CREDITS

In their respective cities, DWAYNE JOHNSON and JASON STATHAM each BARGE into a CLUB, BEAT UP dozens of GOONS, and TORTURE a BOSS BAD GUY to get the INFORMATION they need. But JASON does his version EXPENSIVELY!!

JASON STATHAM

That's right, can you smell what the Mechanic is cooking!! ...er, in a Swiss-made copper skillet? Because we're different?

INT. DINER

DWAYNE is hanging out with his daughter ELIANA SU’A.

ELIANA SU’A

So Dad, why do I know almost nothing about my uncle? Isn’t it time I met any of our family from Samoa?

DWAYNE JOHNSON

(clicks stopwatch)

Six minutes and nineteen seconds! Okay, who had six nineteen in the “how long will it take for this Fast and Furious movie to introduce the Family theme” pool?

Just then, a tiny little car drives into the coffee shop and RYAN REYNOLDS bursts out in full clown regalia.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(riding unicycle in circles, honking little horn)

Hey hey hey there! I’m here to give you the mission to hunt down the MI6 traitor Vanessa Kirby, and to deliver countless wisecracks about my man-crush on Dwayne! And did somebody say RANDOM POP CULTURE REFERENCES?!

(pratfalls into wedding cake)

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Geez, tone it down a notch will ya? I mean sure we’re going for a lighter tone this time, but we don’t need to straight-up turn into fucking Super Troopers all of a sudden.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(reluctantly putting custard pie back in pocket)

Hey, I’m just trying to set up a wacky, sentimental pencil-pusher to contrast with your grizzled stoic ass-kicking character for when we get teamed up.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Er, you’re not my partner in this movie. They’re teaming me up with the OTHER grizzled stoic ass-kicker, because “wackily mismatched” buddy comedies are kind of old hat so we’re giving “wackily perfectly matched” a try. An – an even couple, if you will.

RYAN REYNOLDS

What? Come on man, we even have a perfect pair of character names! Hobbs and Locke! Think of all the sly references to social contract theory we could have made!

INT. PRISON

JASON visits his incarcerated mother, HELEN MIRREN!

JASON STATHAM

Hallo Mum. Feel like breaking outta here to help with whatever mission's coming up?

HELEN MIRREN

No, even though I could escape with ridiculous ease if I so chose, for THIS movie I'm just here to boost the celebrity cameo count. See you at the end of the film!

JASON is then given the MISSION by another DEADPOOL 2 cameo.

INT. SPY HQ - LONDON BRANCH

DWAYNE and JASON are finally brought DOME TO DOME.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Oh hey, Jason, good to see you buddy! I haven’t seen you since we were hanging out at that barbecue, celebrating our shared victory over Charlize Theron. How’ve you been?

JASON STATHAM

Dwayne, great to see you too! I've been good actually. No complaints.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Well shit, this is gonna get pretty dull unless we throw in some drama.

JASON STATHAM

Good point. All right, how about VANESSA KIRBY IS MY SISTER!! That's right, we grew up together running scams as kids, even though I am...

(checks Google)

...holy fuck TWENTY ONE YEARS OLDER THAN HER. Bloody hell, Helen Mirren's playing my Mum and she's only twenty-TWO years older than me. Guess that one year makes all the fucking difference.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

I can work with that, but we should also have some tension between us. Like maybe for some reason we now despise each other?

JASON STATHAM

Yeah, all right. And let's express our hate in exactly the same way, by flinging childish insults, and then just keep right the fuck on doing that for three fucking hours.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

I like the way you think. Heck, let's even use the same catchphrases as each other, to make things even more monotonous.

JASON STATHAM

(actual line)

Don't tell me what to do.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Perfect! ...ah, you shithead!

INT. SOME RANDO STREET

JASON uses his SPYCRAFT to find some GOONS TO BEAT UP while DWAYNE uses his COPCRAFT to actually find VANESSA like SUPER QUICKLY, so score one for TEAM COP.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Found you, surprise! So what clever spy tricks are you going to use to try and evade me? Have you got some kind of gadgets up your sleeve, or are you gonna outwit me somehow, or-

VANESSA KIRBY

(pummeling him with her fists)

I FIGHT YOU! BIFF! POW! TAKE THAT!

DWAYNE JOHNSON

...Okay, you've seen me, right? How could you and I possibly have a fight scene that didn't look like something out of Shadow of the Colossus?

VANESSA KIRBY

(spin-kicking him in the jaw)

But I have martial arts! KYAAA!!

DWAYNE JOHNSON

See the thing is, my character ALSO has martial arts, and has biceps that weigh more than you do.

VANESSA KIRBY

(glomping him like Black Widow)

I have you in a headlock now! You are at my mercy!

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Yeah, this is officially the least realistic scene in the entire Fast and Furious franchise.

(puts Vanessa in his pocket)

All right, let's go.

INT. SPY HQ

DWAYNE hauls VANESSA in for questioning.

VANESSA KIRBY

So I guess you're going to do your whole hard-nosed cop thing from Fast Five and believe that I'm guilty?

DWAYNE JOHNSON

That would be an organic way to develop some tension between me and Jason which didn't boil down to "No YOU are the one who sucks". But nope, I instantly believe you're innocent, before you even tell me, based entirely on the way in which you tried to beat the crap out of me.

Suddenly IDRIS and a bunch of additional BAD GUYS burst in through the window and GRAB VANESSA!

IDRIS ELBA

Gotcha! And now we will use special magnet-ropes to rappel down to the street below, then run to our motorcycles and drive away! This is the best way of extracting somebody from a skyscraper, if you assume that we haven't bought the helicopter we use in the climax yet.

They JUMP OUT the window! DWAYNE leaps after them, landing on every single dude and beating them all to shit as he goes, while JASON goes down in an ELEVATOR and seems to think this is just as cool somehow. They grab VANESSA back and spirit her away in a CAR.

JASON STATHAM

Our lives depend on out-maneuvering these sleek motorcycles in the cramped narrow streets of London, lucky for us I'm driving the absolute widest fucking car in existence!

JASON activates INVINCIBILITY MUSHROOM on his CUSTOM MCLAREN CROP-SPRAYER allowing him to WIN!

INT. EVIL LAIR

IDRIS returns to admit his FAILURE.

EVIL DISEMBODIED VOICE

I'm terribly disappointed in you Idris, just LOOK at the sullen crests in my vocal sound-wave display. But don't worry, I will punish your failure by giving you even more cyber-upgrades.

IDRIS ELBA

(has weed-whacker fused to spinal cord)

EVIL VOICE

Sure I could give you all the upgrades now instead of us repeating this scene like five times, but I'm curious to know just EXACTLY how much upgrading someone needs to defeat two F&F heroes.

IDRIS ELBA

Maybe we should frame them too, help explain why they don't call in all the other F&F folk? I know we also framed Vanessa but I say fuck it, let's go frame wild, make it our thing.

The evil organization FRAMES OUR HEROES, while nobody in the MEDIA notices that their NEWS PROGRAMS and NEWS WEBSITES and NEWSPAPERS are suddenly running stories which weren't approved or written by ANYBODY.

EXT. NEWS STAND

PROFESSOR EDDIE MARSAN goes to buy a NEWSPAPER, only to find that the seller is... JASON STATHAM!!

JASON STATHAM

Dr. Marsan, I believe? The scientist who made that super-virus? The only lead we had on you was a single photograph, but in that photo you happened to be carrying a Russian newspaper, which happens to only be sold at this one random news kiosk, a fact which I happened to know offhand! Isn't that nice and convenient?

EDDIE MARSAN

...And instead of just staking out the newsstand you, what, approached the owner and asked to take over for a couple of hours, even though you're an international fugitive and he could have ran to the cops? Or is he tied up in the trunk of your car right now?

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Look it was just a cute two-second gag all right, let it go. Now, how do we get the virus out of Vanessa?

EDDIE MARSAN

You're in luck, I just so happen to have invented and built a whole machine for filtering the virus out of a person's blood, just in case you injected them but then changed your mind. Only hitch: it's in the evil HQ in Moscow!

VANESSA KIRBY

Hang on, that lair that Idris keeps visiting, it's in Moscow? He's been bouncing back and forth between Russia and England this whole time?

EDDIE MARSAN

I know, right? Dude's frequent flier miles must be off the charts.

INT. AIRPORT

JASON, DWAYNE, and VANESSA board a plane to RUSSIA.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Well this is gonna be a long flight. How do you want to kill the time, watch a movie? Play twenty questions?

JASON STATHAM

I was thinking we could spit another endless string of kindergarten insults at one another.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Fine by me! You're bald!

JASON STATHAM

You have too many muscles!

DWAYNE JOHNSON

You have a weird accent!

JASON STATHAM

Your clothes are too tight!

DWAYNE JOHNSON

You shot up dozens of innocent hospital employees while breaking your terrorist brother out of federal custody, then made unprovoked murder attempts on me and all my friends, one of which was successful.

JASON STATHAM

...You're dumb!

DWAYNE JOHNSON

YOU'RE dumb!

KEVIN HART

OH HOLY FUCK SHUT UP SHUT UP, WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO MAKE YOU BOTH SHUT THE FUCK UP.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Oh hey, another immersion-shattering, tone-ruining cameo! What's your deal, Kevin?

KEVIN HART

I want to be seen as just as tough as you big, muscle-bound manly men.

(drops voice)

Look. I'm even pretending to have a tough voice. Isn't this a funny and original gag which has never been done in a movie before, not even one with Idris Elba in it.

JASON STATHAM

Jesus fucking Christ, Kevin... are you really doing the exact same gag from Infinity War?! That was LAST FUCKING YEAR for fuck's sake, and it made a JIZZILLION DOLLARS. Maybe next time, try to lift from something more obscure than THE THING EVERYONE JUST FUCKING SAW.

KEVIN HART

I don't know what you're talking about. On an unrelated note, why is Gamora?

INT. RUSSIAN CRIME PLACE

The trio arrive at the lair of RUSSIAN MAFIOSO... EIZA GONZALEZ? That's RUSSIAN MAFIOSO. EIZA GONZALEZ. OOOOKAY.

EIZA GONZALEZ

I will now provide you with many weapons that you will never use! And then I will turn Vanessa over to Idris so he takes her to the blood-filtering machine, because how else could you three super-agents have contrived a way for her to get caught? ...You know what, I am such a fucking pointless character, just skip to the next scene, I never show up again anyway.

INT. BAD GUY HQ

With VANESSA already firmly in place, DWAYNE and JASON go to extract HER and the MACHINE.

JASON STATHAM

So what sneaky entrance have we got planned here? Are we getting in through the ventilation, or cutting our way through the roof, something stealthy like that?

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Actually I was figuring we'd walk right through this big heavily-secured official entrance here, and hope that they don't have surveillance or anything going on.

JASON STATHAM

Works for me! What kind of security are we talking?

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Well there's two separate doors opening onto two separate rooms, at the end of which are two separate facial recognition panels, which have to be activated at the same time. It's a setup which can ONLY be infiltrated by two people working together, assuming that there's at least one authorized personnel in each room, which we somehow can guarantee there will be.

JASON STATHAM

Holy fuck. How bloody artificial are they making this scenario?

They open the ROOMS to find that one contains a MARTIAL ARTS TEAM who are just sort of CHILLING, and the other contains a BIG BURLY MECHANIC who is working on a JEEP that couldn't possibly have fit through either of the DOORS.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Wow. That artificial. Okay then.

They beat up the GUYS and activate the DOORS. Then when they get through, they find IDRIS waiting for them with ten million GOONS, who instantly CAPTURE THEM and TIE THEM UP.

IDRIS ELBA

Geez guys, terrible planning, just terrible. You're lucky my boss wants you to join our insane cult. So here's the pitch: we want to use the virus to wipe out everybody who's not strong, because-

DWAYNE JOHNSON

"Strong"? That's vague. You mean physically strong? Strong as in durable, can withstand a lot? Strong as in willpower? Does intelligence count as a form of strength? You guys seem to be obsessed with technology, I have to assume you're not spreading a disease which will kill all physically weak geniuses, especially since physical strength is something that you've actually been able to create WITH technology.

IDRIS ELBA

Uhhh, I'll have to check. Honestly it's all kind of fuzzily-defined, the point is that we're depopulating the world to stop humanity from destroying it. Kinda like Thanos, I guess.

(pause)

And Samuel L. Jackson in Kingsman: The Secret Service.

(pause)

And Ben Foster in Inferno.

(pause)

And Charles Dance in Godzilla: King of the Monsters.

JASON STATHAM

Yikes. When people of the future look back at the action movies of the 2010s, they're gonna ask, "What the hell was going on back then?"

DWAYNE JOHNSON

...That, or "Why did The Ancient Ones create many of these mysterious shiny discs shortly before The Great Reckoning?" Time will tell!

Just then, DWAYNE spots VANESSA slinking up behind the assorted bad guys.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Aw man, she actually got herself free and the only reason she's not miles from here is SHE has to come rescue US. We're not exactly acing this extraction mission... er, which is to say, HEY JASON, WANT TO DO MORE CHILDISH BANTER?

JASON STATHAM

YES LET US KEEP THE ATTENTION FIRMLY ON US! NOBODY SEE OR HEAR ANYTHING ELSE IN THE ROOM, I'M SURE THERE'S NOBODY STEALTHILY GETTING INTO POSITION SO THEY CAN GET THE DROP ON YOU WITHOUT BEING NOTICED-

VANESSA KIRBY

(pulling gun on Idris)

Hey Idris! Look! Everybody notice me! Here I am! This is how I choose to use the element of surprise!

JASON STATHAM

For fuck's sake, sis. That would have been the shittiest possible move even if you didn't have a non-working gun.

But then suddenly EDDIE shows up and starts attacking the BAD GUYS with a FLAMETHROWER!

EDDIE MARSAN

That's right, since all three heroes are failing miserably, it's up to the middle-aged science nerd to save the day, apparently!

(neck snapped by Idris)

URK! Well that was always going to happen. At least I can go to my eternal rest knowing that Dwayne, Jason, and Vanessa will always remember my badass heroic sacrifice which saved their lives!

(dies)

DWAYNE JOHNSON

(bicepping)

Say Jason, did you just hear something?

JASON STATHAM

(scowl-driving)

Nope! Now let's get out of here!

DWAYNE and JASON and VANESSA begin their HYPER-KINETIC ESCAPE as GUNS and EXPLOSIONS and IDRIS ELBA fly all around them!!

JASON STATHAM

(driving 400 mph up a wall)

Dwayne, do you believe in Fate?

DWAYNE JOHNSON

(throwing mountain at bad guys)

You mean, that our lives are predestined?

JASON STATHAM

(opening space-time rift by squealing tires)

Yeah... that the things we do are inevitable.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

(concussing enemies with shock wave from flexing deltoid)

What a scary thought!

Despite IDRIS'S best efforts our HEROES ESCAPE!!!

JASON STATHAM

Right then. MacGuffin retrieved, family member saved in the nick of time while the evil HQ detonates around us, feels like the end of a movie to me. Just another successful mission for...

DWAYNE JOHNSON

NO NO NO FUCK YOU, WE DID YOUR FAMILY SHIT NOW WE'RE GONNA DO MY FAMILY SHIT, KEEP FUCKING ROLLING, MOVIE NOT OVER.

EXT. SAMOA

Having just decided that ONE CLIMAX isn't enough, the movie ships our heroes to SAMOA for a WHOLE SECOND CLIMAX. DWAYNE greets his mother LORI PELENISE TUISANO and his brother CLIFF CURTIS.

LORI PELENISE TUISANO

Welcome back, my son, to your small village home where your very Samoan family lives! Sit down, scratch your head, and wonder how the hell somebody from this background ends up with the name "Luke Hobbs"!

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Hi Mom. And er, hi Cliff. Sorry for turning our dad in to the cops then abandoning the family for a couple of decades. Am I forgiven?

CLIFF CURTIS

Well, Paul Walker had to spend two whole movies redeeming himself for NEARLY getting Vin Diesel arrested, back when they barely knew each other... but eh, screw it, I'll just make a couple of angry remarks and then we'll be fine, even though you only even came here because you need a bunch of favors from me.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Speaking of which, I need you to fix Eddie's blood-cleaning gizmo. It got busted in the first climax, so I figured I'd take it to the smartest tech guy I know.

CLIFF CURTIS

Ludacris?

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Er, who? No, I'm talking about you, buddy! You're conveniently some kind of genius super-mechanic who can fix anything!

CLIFF CURTIS

Including a hyper-advanced device for filtering human blood? Even though I have zero medical expertise?

DWAYNE JOHNSON

Sure, why not.

They gather together a bunch of OLD WOODEN WEAPONS to prepare for IDRIS'S ATTACK. Then IDRIS ATTACKS! His men try to SHOOT DWAYNE'S GUYS, but VANESSA has HACKED their TECHNO-GUNS!

GOON

Oh no, we have no firearms! AIIEEE, NOW HOW CAN WE ELITE ASSASSINS FIGHT A BUNCH OF AUTO MECHANICS ARMED WITH POINTY STICKS!

(beaten up)

Sure would've helped if the evil voice had given us all cyber-upgrades, but nooo, only planning the apocalypse and all, who needs an unstoppable cyborg army for that.

(grumbles)

But then IDRIS grabs VANESSA and hauls her into a HELICOPTER!

IDRIS ELBA

HaHA, this thing finally showed up in the mail this morning! Buh-bye now!

But then JASON and DWAYNE leap into a TRUCK and use its TOWLINE to snag the HELICOPTER! The TRUCK is PARTIALLY LIFTED but manages to keep its FRONT WHEELS on the road.

IDRIS ELBA

Nyyyahhh, this helicopter is strong enough to lift PART of the truck but not ALL of it... maybe if we really give it all we got...

(hauls on controls)

But then one of the MECHANICS attaches ANOTHER TRUCK to the FIRST TRUCK! The two trucks are MOSTLY LIFTED but the front one manages to keep its FRONT WHEELS on the road.

IDRIS ELBA

Damnit, this helicopter is strong enough to life MOST of two trucks but not ALL of them... maybe if we really, REALLY give it like EVERYTHING we got...

(hauls on controls)

But then a third TRUCK is attached to the other TWO TRUCKS and keeps its FRONT WHEELS on the road.

IDRIS ELBA

...Er... I guess this helicopter is actually strong enough to lift most of THREE trucks but-

A fourth TRUCK is attached to the front of the OTHER THREE.

IDRIS ELBA

Stop. Just stop. We're already well past the point where this stunt looks stupid.

JASON STATHAM

Oh hey remember when this franchise was about street racing? Everyone activate their Nitro Boost so we can maintain the absolute bare minimum link to where this all started!

DWAYNE JOHNSON

And I'll activate my alien robot arms to maintain our current standard of being fucknuttily batshit!

All the MORONIC BUGGITY-BOO results in JASON and DWAYNE and IDRIS and the HELICOPTER going over a CLIFF into a SHALLOW STREAM. IDRIS survives because CYBORG, while JASON and DWAYNE survive because FAST AND FURIOUS CHARACTERS.

IDRIS ELBA

It's raining now so that we can rip off the fight from Matrix Revolutions. But there's no way to defeat me, my Resident-Evil-slash-Downey-Sherlock combat program is unstoppable against any one foe. No single fighter has any chance, so I don't see how either of you has any hope, individually speaking. Each of you may as well give up, separately of course.

JASON STATHAM

Wait a tick. If we BOTH attack, it'll overload his systems!

DWAYNE JOHNSON

(nods)

Strategic AND thematic, I like it!

IDRIS ELBA

Oh come on, surely my hypertech can handle multiple bogies at least as well as 1994's Wing Commander for PC, right?

(is pummelled)

Welp this is some bullshit.

(dies)

EVIL DISEMBODIED VOICE

(on radio)

Nyah ha ha, this isn't over! You don't recognize me, do you Dwayne?! Well that's probably because we haven't decided who to retcon into being your lifelong nemesis yet. Talks with Gerard Butler are ongoing.

Finally the VIRUS gets pulled out of VANESSA, everybody gets magically UN-FRAMED, and vague SEQUEL HOOKS are left lying around.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

We should wrap up our arc I guess. Except our arc has been a completely flat line so there's really nowhere to go.

JASON STATHAM

True enough. So yeah, fuck your stupid fucking face... buddy.

DWAYNE JOHNSON

And your breath is like rancid shit mixed with koala spunk... family.

VANESSA KIRBY

Hahaha, oh you guys!

(smooches Dwayne)

What, really? Where did that

Having been finally CLEARED of their FAKE CRIMES, JASON and VANESSA decide to celebrate with some REAL CRIME and they brazenly break HELEN MIRREN out of jail!

JASON STATHAM

At last we're all one big happy family! Because family is important, and also family. Think I'm getting the hang of this!

HELEN MIRREN

Where's your brother?

JASON STATHAM

Eh, fuck him.

END