A subreddit for folks nearing or over 30 who are looking for dating advice.
This is a question I had pre-quarantine, so it’s not an effect of Covid - but men send me selfies (usually before we’ve met) and I’m not sure how to take it or respond.
I don’t send selfies to them. They’re not offensive photos, either, usually only waist up, but I’m unsure of the intention. I usually awkwardly just don’t acknowledge it, or I’ve joked and said, “Does this mean you’d like a selfie of me, too?”
It doesn’t really turn me on, getting their photo - because usually it’s from guys I haven’t met, it’s just another photo to me. If we have met, I remember what you look like!
If anyone here sends selfies, can you give some insight? Thanks!
I can’t answer for “guys”, just for this one guy. I’m a visual thinker. I communicate in words and pictures. If I send a selfie it’s likely to show you what I am doing or where I am. I don’t expect it turn you on and I’m not fishing for response images, I’m just trying to connect across a medium that is better for miscommunicating than it is for communicating. As the saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words, so I am saving a lot of thumb typing. I also send pictures of stuff I see in the course of my day. Hey check out these red flowers on this tree. Look at this crazy house. Whatever.
And if a lot of pictures bothers you, we have a different communication style. Good to find out early.
Makes sense! I send photos of things I see out and about too, just not selfies.
Imma need to find a guy like you....j/s I love it when I get stuff like that!
Imma need to find a guy like you....j/s I love it when I get stuff like that!
An unsolicited selfie could signify:
"I like exchanging pictures in the hopes you want to send nudes one day."
"I want to see if you will compliment me and get turned on by my appearance."
"I like exchanging and keeping a record of my daily life in pictures, and I want to see if you like doing the same."
"If we end up working out in a LTR, our early selfies will make for a cute story."
"I'd like to see what you look like right now, chatting with me, without filters or makeup, and not pictures curated for an OLD profile, or dressed-up for a date."
"I want you to want to show off your beauty to me personally, even if it's rated G... with a picture you took just for me and not meant for other rando dudes. This makes it feel I'm special and like you like me more than the other 5 guys you're currently chatting with."
Remember, men are typically more visual than women. Seeing a smile is more valuable to men than a "how goes your day?" text. We don't get tired of seeing you in any light.
I'm sure there are dozen more hidden intents. But it's usually #1... hoping for eventual nudes.
lol.
it's TOTALLY #5. like 80% of the time.
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Yep. I feel like girls see all the details in photos, and guys see the whole picture. My better half won’t send me selfies if she thinks she doesn’t look great, even though most of the ones I send her lead to her asking “are you okay?” or “long day?” and it’s only 10am
You forgot:
Haha nice.
Hahahaha!
I would think most of the time it is 5. They want to get a better idea of what you look like. On the plus side it means you get the same information about them!
Agreed! #2, 3, 5 & 6 for why I do it.
1,2, and 6 for me
TIL that sending a super current photo complicates the online matching process.
Maybe all they're doing is giving you reassurance they're not catfishing, that the photos you've seen are actually them.
Or maybe it’s an elaborate scam to preempt the accusation of catfishing by providing a “recent” photo without being asked!
I’m mostly joking.
This is me. I like to send selfies before the first date to show that I actually look like my profile. I want to give the assurance I am no catfish. On a second note I also exchange selfies with my friends so it is some kind of bonding ritual for me. Oh and my selfies are always the "this is how I look today" kind. No shirtless oder with a sexual undertone. Sometimes they are even really stupid like cross eyed and with a double chin just for shit and giggles.
Haha. This JUST happened to me, and it did not give the dude any advantages. The guy is apparently 35 and staying at his parents, and the photo he sent was so unlike his profile pictures, and he looked so much older (and less attractive), that I legit thought he was screwing with me and sent me a pic of his dad.
Nope. It was him.
Soooo I am now certain that his profile pics are at least 5-10 years old and he looks nothing like them anymore. I guess knowing that now is better than finding out in person? I feel like I should tell him the truth in case he's clueless....??
Hopefully he's got some kind of significant trait or obvious activity, so you can ask something like "when did you travel to X" or "when did you cut your hair this short" and open the conversation naturally.
I've talked with some people that did this, and as long as I felt something positive towards them it was nice! But if you don't have any connection yet or if they are aggravating, yeah the selfies can be annoying.
It is a quick "this is me today" sort of check in, and when you are both doing it somewhat frequently it takes the pressure off to look perfect. Like it's more casual/humanizing instead of a formal "best appearances" presentation.
I think it’s so awkward when guys send me selfies anytime!! Even if I have met them haha.
Some of these responses are rough. I've had a few instances where I've been asked for a selfie before meeting just to prove I am a human person. I don't think the goal is "to turn you on" unless they're attempting to be seductive. But my goodness, it feels like guys can't do anything right. Not texting enough, texting too much, not enough pictures, too many pictures, too needy, too distant. Sometimes I'll get a random selfie pre first date, I see it as an assurance that person does in fact exist and are a cutie pie. The easiest answer is that we get conflicting messages from a lot of different sources on how to do the opening rounds of dating. We're doing our best, we're just not that great at it. When somebody takes a moment out of their day to send you something unique for you only, it's supposed to symbolize that they're a person, they exist and are real. Photos are not supposed to just be a reminder of what a person looks like... Ya'll make me so paranoid I swear.
Man, you should see ALL the shit women get blamed for!
Actually, it is pretty much the same stuff, isn't it?
Wouldn't it be smart to tailor it to the person you are dating or to your true self vs playing a game or doing what you are "supposed" to do? I hate when people blame one sex or another for their issues.
This is clearly it. Some women I speak with send me photos and would like to see the same — to the point of straight-up saying, “I was hoping you’d send one of you right now.”
Others just want to talk about the documentary they just watched, and that’s perfectly fine, too.
Read the room.
Totally. I want to be clear, I don’t write off anyone who sends me selfies. I actually am pretty open minded with men because I can be pretty hard on myself and, in turn, them. I know everyone is trying their best. It just is a little strange to me and I wanted to get some thoughts.
I'm sorry for getting on a soapbox and ranting a bit. Think I'm spending a little too much time on these dating subreddits, it makes me over analyze the things I do.
Yes, these subreddits definitely cause me to overthink.
been there, man. i'm a woman, but i agree - i spent a lot of time on dating apps back when i dated and it got to the point i needed to either step away from dating advice posts or dating apps lmao
I would just not take the advice of most people on here...so many bitter people that want to act like there's no one out there for anyone just because they haven't had luck.
There's no winning formula, each person is different. Just be yourself. If you send a picture to someone in an effort to show a little personality and she rejects you because of that, then she's probably a bitch anyways.
"Just be yourself, unless you're a woman."
That's not what I said at all, but I'm happy you found a way to make this about sexism.
I always find this a bit weird as well. I've chatted with some guys who send multiple selfies a week or even a day and I... just don't communicate that way. I used to think it was vanity but I had one ex who did this (more on the several times a week than several times a day scale) and he was just a really visual person. It was kind of like a photo diary - the photos told a story about what he was doing, and the non-selfies were usually just things he found funny in his daily life. It became really endearing, actually, but I think the difference was that the photos had context and he was good at communicating in other ways - he wasn't just sending a selfie hoping I'd send one back, or because he was hoping for a compliment.
This is it for me!
If I get a picture from a guy who I have never met, it is not going to mean much to me. Or, it is going to be a red flag because the pictures are in their dirty bathrooms, look nothing like them, or show something (teeth, MAGA hat, etc.) that makes them undateable.
Normally when humans talk to each other they can see each other. I’m surprised at the number of negative comments, and the apparent cold indifference of so many people here.
I’ve definitely dated people who overdo the selfies, but generally appreciate getting to see a person along with their messages, to see where they are and what they are seeing and the person I’m talking to.
I’m a 30/f and I love sending selfies but I crave a lot of external validation so that’s that. They’re probably doing it for the same reason
Exactly cant believe this is the only comment to address validation. Of u went to a therapist they’d likely say u have low self a steam. Its a real turn off for me if this were to happen with a guy i just dont have patience for this type of neediness
Oh god. I hate getting unsolicited selfies from guys I haven't even met. Such a turn off as it makes them seem insecure and like they're fishing for a compliment or something. And it's often done just to solicit one from me, which once again makes them seem weaker to me because they aren't straightforward about it. All around a bad idea.
One guy (who was in great physical shape), sent me an unsolicited shirtless selfie after we had only exchanged a handful of messages. I didn’t react to it and carried on the conversation as though it hadn’t happened. He then says “not going to say anything about my pic?” with a sad emoji. I replied with “haha, used to all the girls dropping their panties when you throw that one out there?” His response? “Ew, that’s gross” and blocked me.
Haha! I like how what you said was "gross", yet...
Baaaaaarrrrrfffff
Clearly dodged a bullet on that one!
Haha it works on some women tbh they gush and want abit but that seems desperate to randomly send one. He was looking for validation or for a shag.
Love it love it! You dodged a bullet with him. What a queen!
LOL
It truly is awkward. Its exactly fishing for a compliment! If women did that, yikes, we'd be labeled an "attention seeking whore"
I dont think its fishing just trying to A. Show they aren't a catfish and B. Try to make themselves be seen as a person rather then a rando over the internet. Dating for guys online is very different to women so anything that might improve their chances is the goal I think. Most guys aren't going to have 5 women talking to them at any time, women might have that many guys talking to them so he is trying to stand out but doing it in the wrong way.
When women do it it's usually greatly appreciated, in my experience. Most guys like some sense of looking at the person they're talking to, especially early on, quick conversational selfies provide that.
This is another example of how smart phones have made society worse. We didn't used to have to be on display while conversing with someone from afar. I have no issues about my appearance but I want my damn privacy, if I'm sitting around with messed up hair and in my underwear (hurray for living alone haha), that's nobody's business but mine! If someone tells me they're into exchanging selfies I know it's never going to work, I don't change my mind on it in a relationship either. If someone wants to see me they can ask to see me in person or schedule a Duo date. Otherwise, no thanks.
Yeah this feels like "golden rule" behavior to me. If they send pictures, it's because they want you to send pictures.
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Well, you’re labeled as that even if you refuse to send a selfie. You can’t win when the game is rigged.
Oh my god, I HATE unsolicited selfies. They are such a major turn off. Just imagining going through the steps to take and send an unprovoked picture to someone I’ve never met seems so strange.
They're creepy and rarely look good anyway. Just don't
I find it weird, almost the same way I find the snap chat filters super lame, especially depending on the selfie. It seems like a lot of them try to get real posy and like, pout almost? Is that the equivalent of a duck face? Idk. I find it cringey and feel like they’re fishing. I had a guy send me one, and I didn’t even open it because I was studying. And by the time I checked my phone he had sent it and texted several times asking for a pic. I’m like” studying right now” and he kept bugging me”just real fast”. Noped out of that pretty cringey.
I don’t like it either!!
I have sent "look how cute me and my cat are when we're cuddling" selfies and "that joke was so bad, I need you to see the facial expression I'm making" selfies. I had a thing for a little while with someone I was dating where we would send good morning and good night selfies, but that was pretty specific to the relationship.
Yeah, I think this is a preference/communication style issue.
Personally, I am not a visual person. Like AT ALL. I don't take random pics of my day, I think I've taken 2 selfies ever, and there are maybe 5 pics of me that I've ever seen that I didn't hate. Which means yes, one of the pics I put on OLD is shamefully out of date, but my appearance hasn't changed much (as evidenced by the fact that nobody has yet been able to guess which one it is), and I like what it shows, so it is what it is. The other pics are all within the last year or two.
I say all this as background for the following: people sending me random selfies makes me a little uncomfortable, largely because... How do I respond to that? I don't care about your selfies, and I'm terrified that you might expect reciprpcation. People asking me for random selfies makes me REALLY uncomfortable. And for me... It's a pretty early/obvious sign of incompatibility.
I have never had a guy send a selfie and been more attracted to them. Usually getting a more candid shot makes me realize how much I need a personality to find a guy attractive.
When this happens to me, it is usually a signal for us to stop talking.
Overall I find people who send selfies are ones who are either high maintenance or have low self-esteem. Either way it is a red flag.
Just how much "over thirty" are y'all? Selfie culture is a thing, it doesn't mean they expect one from you, or that they're insecure (anymore than anyone else.) And saying "it doesn't turn me on?" Ffs. It's a selfie, not a nude no one's trying to "turn you on." Are you also concerned during this Covid Pandemic that having video calls instead of phone calls is due to someone trying to turn you on?
TL;DR Ok, Boomer
💁🏼♀️ I’m 35, but the way people talk about millennials, I’ll take boomer status on this.
PS - Question has nothing to do with the pandemic, video, or phone calls.
I've sent selfies before I've met someone, but it was in some context to the conversation we were having or was unfolding before we met. Sometimes it would be in response to a "what are you up to today?" text. Usually some activity or hobby in the background while I took a selfie. Picture is worth a thousand words in that context.
Is there absolutely zero context to these pictures?
I’ve gotten a few “good morning” and selfie texts - of him in his bed, usually. I mean, they just don’t do anything for me and it makes me view him as conceited.
So dump him if you feel that negatively about the guy. I wouldn’t want to be dating someone who thinks I’m conceited and expresses that to Internet strangers.
🤦🏼♀️ We haven’t even met yet. I don’t have a grasp on his personality yet. And this is where people get wires crossed - an action he’s doing doesn’t mean that’s who he is. It is just something I’m wondering about. Also, since you said you send selfies, it’s not an attack on you, either. I get why people send selfies if they’re doing an activity, and if they’ve met before. But never having met - I don’t get it.
I didn’t say I did it 😋
I guess context matters. If it’s flashy like “look at my Rolex and Maserati” and that isn’t your thing, okay sure that’s weird. But idk, I would just be happy to have any interest shown because it’s not like I’m beating women off with a stick 😑
I only send extra photos if asked personally, BUT:
They're hoping you'll be like rahhh you're so hot so they can quickly start flinging dick pics at you, or they're making sure you're still interested.
Some will also do it with the hope of getting less posed pictures from you to make sure they're not being catfished.
Better a selfie than a dick pic, I guess
This isn’t exactly the same, but men from apps used to send me unsolicited pictures of their food/meal prep and I absolutely hated it. Especially if it looked just ok.
I laughed at the title bc I too have received unsolicited selfies and have yet to to figure out their purpose. I once had a dude I met on bumble (that I had never even met but given my number to) send me a dick pic with the caption “morning sex?” The joys of OLD
Bc they want you to see what they look like in real time.
Not that hard
Guys send them to me and then ask for me to send them some. And same, they’re not inappropriate or anything, they’re just selfies. I don’t take a lot and tell them that. If I meet them online then I think they just want to make sure you look like your profile pics. I just tell them that all of my profile pictures are recent and unedited with no filters so that’s what they’ll have to go off of. Most of the time they stop talking to me but they’re always the guys that I’m not that interested in going out with in the first place so no big deal lol
Honestly? If you put up walls and say "I'm not sending a selfie you just have to trust my profile" that's a red flag.
I understand and I agree. I’ll send them one or two selfies, but the guys that ask me for selfies are asking for one every 30 minutes. I don’t have the time or patience for that. And I don’t want to be connected to someone the entire day, it’s too needy.
Yeah there's a huge difference between "just checking" and validation-seeking behavior or pressuring for nudes.
Similarly, there's a huge difference between "I will send one" and "I will send none".
For sure. And honestly, I do get where they’re coming from which is why I’ll send a couple. I hear so many stories from both friends and online that they go on dates with people that look nothing like their picture because it’s just so easy to edit and filter pictures nowadays. And I am on the bigger side which is why I have (completely unedited) full body pictures on my profile because as much as I generally don’t care if someone thinks I’m fat, I know it would hurt if someone was like “I didn’t think you were this fat.”
Pressuring for nudes is an automatic block for me. How do I know you’re not cat fishing me? But yeah, I just don’t need to be constantly in contact with someone. I don’t need an update of a picture of you taking out the trash.
Also came to back this up. If I ask a girl to send a recent picture of herself and she says she doesn't take a bunch of pictures of selfies its a bit red flag as she is hiding what she actually looks like. I've been burned quite a number of times by people having old pictures (think 3-4 years) in their profile that they barely resemble now or insanely bad teeth. I normally ask to do a face time or something like that before we meet just to make sure we are on the same page. It takes 5 minutes.
Take it as you will but yeah I'm not wasting time with someone that is not happy with who they are or trying to outright lie about what they look like.
I am well aware I'm not a super model.
Not all of us are hiding, like I said in another comment I do not like paying for other people's dishonesty.
Why not just meet ASAP?
i always try to meet up within a week or less but sometimes people are busy etc and we all have lives or prior obligations. with this in mind if the first meet up will take a bit to set up i don't mind doing a face time or doing a few selfies to make sure everything is good.
but yes meeting up sooner rather than later is best
I just got a "top recommendation" from hinge, which was a girl I had definitely matched and messaged in the past, but it took me a while to remember "oh right, she's way bigger than these pictures."
It is a huge red flag for me when a guy pushes for pictures. I should not have to pay for other people's dishonesty or a guy's insecurity.
This is why I push to meet ASAP so I don't get into the picture sharing game.
A red flag for what? Not everyone takes a ton of selfies or needs to take a picture of everything.
Look, I don't ask for selfies. I'll just cut a date short (or potentially walk away) if someone looks not like their pictures.
But if you say "I won't confirm my appearance" it sounds like you're hiding something. Everyone's been burned by bad pictures before, so I don't think it's an unreasonable request at all. I think it's unreasonable to refuse because it implies that you're afraid to show your "real self".
What's to stop deceptive people from sending you an old or filtered selfie?
I refuse because I literally don't have the time or inclination to take one. I would rather videochat with someone if it is that important.
I’m not a catfish and here’s something recent/besides what’s on profile.
Speaking as a younger 30s:
If I send them before I meet someone, I'm sending one or two because
Here's a little proof that you're not going to get catfished.
Here's me doing something that I want you to know about that I didn't get a chance to talk about on my profile.
I think I look good and just wanted to send. I don't need a compliment, I know you already like the way I look since we matched.
If I send them after I meet someone, I'm sending them because
Hey I thought of you, sup girl here's a smile
Whoa check this out this thing I came across *insert appropriate facial expression*
I think I look good.
I personally like when women send a few selfies back, unless it comes with a validation-seeking caption like, "How do I look?". If it's not validation-seeking, to me it generally signals that they're comfortable with their appearance and that's pretty sexy to me.
Edit: Thinking about it a little more, selfies are pretty playful. I think if someone isn't a selfie person, I think I subconsciously think they're a little less playful and not as fun. Just my own observation.
I think it’s very self involved.
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I’m not overthinking, I’m genuinely wondering. I would never think to send selfies to someone. I’m not asking the juvenile “do they or do they not like me” I’m simply curious.
I totally get what you're asking and I feel the same... why?? I can tell, for example, that my ex-husband who didn't speak to me for 10 years until just recently after his dad passed away... he is a person who does this... i know him well, and I know that he loves me to a ridiculous degree, always will, and he is seeking a compliment, without a doubt. But he of course, wants me to send something back at any time as well. I know, I am familiar with him, and thats not exactly the same i know, but it is nonetheless, still unsolicited as he knows the situation, he knows I'm not physically attracted to him, not that he's not attractive (which i told him on our 4 yr anniversary... not to hurt him, was just being honest and telling him I was leaving.) I know, I'm awful, but I didn't mean to be, honestly. But seriously, it makes me soooo uncomfortable. I hate it, honestly.
Regardless of who though, I hate feeling like i have to give a person a compliment. Im not opposed to handing out compliments, to strangers, or people i know, but in that situation i feel pressured and i don't like it at all.
I think its one of those two things or both. Or my third thought, in the case of my brother who is much older than me, I think it's more just a sign of the times and that some people aren't totally sure what to do as far as online dating/meeting people. They maybe have been in situations where that was just normal upon beginning a conversation with someone new online.
My thinking is they'll send it because they may be hoping you'll send one in return. Not sure why they wouldn't just ask?