That '70s Show (1998–2006)

Kurtwood Smith: Red Forman, Reginald "Red" Forman, Reginald 'Red' Forman

Photos 

69 more photos

Quotes 

• Red Forman : When my time comes I want to be buried face down. That way whoever doesn't like me can kiss my ass.

• Red Forman : [to Eric]  So, this is how an immature, engaged, high school dumbass, with no car, no job, and no money trims the hedges.

  Steven Hyde : That was like eight burns in one sentence.

  Donna Pinciotti : An octo-burn. Let's get outta here.

• Red Forman : What have I said about comparing your sister to the Devil?

  Eric : That it's offensive to the Devil?

• Fez : You don't like me because I'm not from here.

  Red : This has nothing to do with you being a foreigner. This is about you taking advantage of my daughter like a sneaky foreigner!

• Red : Nothing around this house is cheap.

  Eric : Except for Laurie.

  Laurie Forman : I am not cheap!

  Eric : Free, whatever.

• Eric : Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.

  Red Forman : Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you? is because you're a dumbass.

• Red Forman : [Red and Eric are in the car almost late for work at Pricemart] 

  [to Eric] 

  Red Forman : You need to grow up and learn some responsibility.

  Eric : I love you too, Dad.

  Red Forman : What? Stop being weird.

  Eric : Thanks.

• Red Forman : Forman, party of two.

  Restaurant Hostess : Okey dokey, that'll be about two hours.

  Red Forman : Here's twenty bucks.

  Restaurant Hostess : Okay we'll have something in fifteen minutes.

  Red Forman : You don't want this place to burn down twice do you?

  Restaurant Hostess : Okay we have something right now.

  Red Forman : I thought so. Well, it looks like it's our lucky night.

• Eric : [badly hungover]  My head hurts.

  Red Forman : That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

• Red : [after Eric refused to be Donna's boyfriend again]  Let me get this straight - Donna told you she wanted to get back together and you said NO?

  Eric : I said no.

  Red : What the Hell is wrong with you?

  Kitty Forman : Dumbass!

  [Red looks at Kitty in surprise] 

  Eric : Look, I have my reasons, okay?

  Red : What the Hell could they possibly be?

  Eric : Casey dumps Donna and then Donna comes running back to ME? Look, I'm not a rebound, All right?

  Red : You're too PROUD to take her back? What exactly do you have to be proud OF? You're not an athelete! The only thing smart about you is your mouth! And, well... look at you!

• Red Forman : What are you going to put on your resume - dumbass?

• [Eric catches his parents having sex, and they find out] 

  Kitty Forman : Red, say something.

  Red Forman : It's more fun than it looks.

• Red Forman : What are you doing here?

  Michael Kelso : The explanation is in the note.

  Red Forman : [reading the note]  Dear Red, we would like for you to give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents.

  [Kitty laughs hysterically, and leaves the room] 

  Red Forman : Well, you made her laugh, that's worth at least thirty bucks.

  [Gives Kelso the money] 

• Red Forman : Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.

• Eric : [on the new water heater]  This is the best water heater ever. God bless us, every one.

  Red Forman : Do you know why Tiny Tim walked with a crutch?

  Eric : Because he had a smart mouth?

  Red Forman : That's right.

• Red Forman : We're all gonna go to church and we're gonna have a damn nice Sunday.

• [repeated line] 

  Red Forman : That kid's on dope!

• Kitty Forman : Sex, it's not dirty.

  Red Forman : It's not clean either.

• Red Forman : What the hell happened?

  Steven Hyde : Eric made out with Laurie's friend.

  Red Forman : Anything else?

  Fez : Your son is a whore.

• Red Forman : What the hell kind of restaurant is this? You got eight people singing happy birthday, and no one can bring my wife a damn salad.

• [about Bob's hair] 

  Red Forman : His head looks like a poodle's ass.

• Eric : I got a B.

  Red Forman : You couldn't get an A?

  Kitty Forman : Aww honey, don't listen to him. You did super. And Steven, you did super duper.

  Eric : Why does he get a duper?

• Bob Pinciotti : You know Red, that hurts.

  Red Forman : So does a swift kick in the ass.

  Bob Pinciotti : You know, Red, a kick in the ass isn't the solution to everything.

  Red Forman : I'm afraid I'm gonna have to disagree with that, Bob.

• Red Forman : Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein.

  Eric : [sarcastically]  Gee, thank you daddy.

  Michael Kelso : "Thank you"? Einstein was ugly.

• Red Forman : Dear Lord, would it kill you to give the Packers a winning season? Oh, and uh, watch over my loving family, blah blah blah...

• [referring to that Thanksgiving's events] 

  Red Forman : You mean with that ungrateful daughter, our dumbass son, and that drunk foreign kid

  [pause] 

  Red Forman : it was better than last year.

• Bob Pinciotti : [Bob has come over to the Foremans place after he cut down a tree that almost fell on Red]  Red, I'm so sorry. It was an accident.

  Red Forman : [Red's acting nice]  I thought I never say this. I'm glad you're my friend.

  [hugs Bob] 

  Bob Pinciotti : Red, I thought I'd never say this, you smell nice.

• [on buying an economy car during the oil crisis] 

  Red Forman : The last time I was that close to a Japanese machine, it was shooting at me.

• [seeing a square dance] 

  Red Forman : It looks like 'Hee Haw' puked in here.

• Red : Well, we got vandals in this town. I was driving home and I saw the water tower giving me the finger.

  Laurie Forman : Vandals you say? Hmm, where were you last night, Eric?

  Kitty Forman : Oh, can it, Laurie. Eric you look pale. Let me see your eyes.

  [Eric just looks down] 

  Kitty Forman : Look at me.

  [Eric looks at Kitty, imagining her she was naked after seeing his parents having sex] 

  Kitty Forman : Do you have fever?

  Red : [Eric looks at Red, and he's imagining him naked, too]  I know what you need. Right after breakfast, I want you to mow the lawn. The fresh air will do you good.

  Kitty Forman : [the camera turns around back to Kitty. Kitty is still naked and she wipes something off her chest]  Eric, is something bothering you?

  Eric : [looking at Kitty and Red a couple more times]  God, make it stop!

  [leaves the table] 

• Red Forman : Threats aren't going to work, Kitty.

  Kitty Forman : Every newspaper you'll be reading, every nap you'll be taking, every football game you'll be watching, I'll be there, talking, talking, talking, talking.

• [on Valentine's day] 

  Kitty Forman : Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were 5, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face.

  [Awkward pause] 

  Kitty Forman : OK.

  [Kitty and Red start leaving] 

  Red Forman : Kitty, that was bad.

  Kitty Forman : I know, keep walking.

  [Kitt and Red finally leave] 

  Eric : Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward.

• Red Forman : This is a smoke detector.

  Michael Kelso : Does that detect any type of smoke?

• Eric : So, you're saying that Donna and I will be okay?

  Red Forman : No. All I did was scratch your mother's shoes. I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid.

• Red Forman : When used separately, women and alcohol can be a lot of fun. But if you mix them, they can turn you into a dumbass.

• Kitty Forman : Bed checks, here we come.

  Red Forman : Shh, Kitty, you're warning them.

  Kitty Forman : I'm not warning anybody. Getting closer.

• Red Forman : Penny, you're cold. Go get a sweater.

  [Cousin Penny leaves] 

  Red Forman : Eric, do I have to tell you to stop staring at your cousin?

• Eric : Mom, Dad, can Penny and I be alone for a minute?

  Red Forman : No. I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.

• Red Forman : Every single Price Mart stock-boy will be trained in the Red Forman way.

  Eric : Oh, you mean by undermining their self-esteem until they're too weak to fight back?

• Kitty Forman : Eric, your father and I have noticed that you've been acting very strange lately.

  Red Forman : Like a hippie.

  Kitty Forman : Is there something you want to tell us?

  Red Forman : Are you on dope? Are you?

  Kitty Forman : Because we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization...

  Red Forman : ...my foot kickin' your ass.

• Red Forman : [to Fez]  Hey, Ali Baba. Close Sesame.

• Red Forman : [to Fez]  Thanks for the help. You seem to have a natural talent for handling luggage.

• [Red on Laurie and Michael] 

  Red Forman : This is how it starts, you know. First they're dating and having fun, and then the next thing you know, they're prying the money to pay for a wedding from my cold, dead hands.

  Kitty Forman : Oh, honey. They're not going to get married. He'll leave her when she gets pregnant.

• Red Forman : [to Steven]  If you ever do anything like that again, I will kick your ass so hard, your nose will bleed.

  Kitty Forman : And we love you.

• Red Forman : If the US government decides to stick a tracking device up your ass, you say, "Thank You. And God Bless America."

• [Kitty wants to redecorate the basement] 

  Red Forman : This is going to be expensive, isn't it?

  Kitty Forman : Maybe.

  Red Forman : Don't you like anything cheap?

  Kitty Forman : I like you.

• Red Forman : Once again, an open bar spells disaster for the Foreman family.

• Eric : I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid, and worth hearing.

  Red Forman : Well that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you run for Miss America.

• Kitty Forman : Red, there are five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

  Red Forman : Kitty, I've got two stages: anger, and drinking.

• Laurie Forman : You know Eric, hickeys lead to dirty things.

  Red Forman : For God sakes. Don't let Donna suck your neck.

• Red Forman : Damn kids today. They wouldn't know responsibility if it walked up and bit them in the ass.

• Red Forman : Eric, I thought I told you to wash up for dinner. I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass.

• Red Forman : I've been working since I was sixteen. I fought in two wars. Hell, I've killed people. I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy it...

• Red Forman : I like the sound of a beer church.

• Michael Kelso : Don't freak out, but if I see a deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna shoot him.

  Red Forman : Kelso, you fire that gun in this car, and I will pull over and kick your ass for an hour.

• Red : [Red has a dream that he dies, and nobody shows up for his funeral] 

  Red : Where is everybody? Where are all my friends?

  Kitty Forman : You don't have any friends, honey. I'm afraid it's a side effect of... telling people to stick it in their butts.

• Kitty Forman : My parents are coming tomorrow.

  Red Forman : Oh, crap.

  Kitty Forman : Red.

  Donna Pinciotti : What's wrong with them.

  Kitty Forman : It's a complicated situation.

  Eric : Grandma yells, grandpa drinks.

• Red : Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason that bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.

• Red Forman : Good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs put their foot in your ass.

• Red Forman : Oh and uh, here's a 20.

  Laurie Forman : Will that cover for gas?

  Kitty Forman : Oh well, honey, give her another 10 just in case.

  Eric : You know, I could use some gas money.

  Red Forman : [laughs]  Yeah... and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump it's ass when it hops.

• Red Forman : Do you know how they treat their criminals in Russia? First offense, five years in Siberia. Second offense, ten years. Believe you me, there is no third offense.

  Kitty Forman : Unless the criminal likes to make snow angels.

• Red Forman : Bend your knees and lift with your legs, or else I'm going to...

  Eric : ...kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah, yeah yeah...

• Bob Pinciotti : uh-heh

  Red Forman : OK, Bob, What is it?

  Bob Pinciotti : I'm just curious. What's the word on that Hyde kid?

  Red Forman : Steven? He's a little rebellious, just needs some direction.

  Bob Pinciotti : Apparently he's getting it, Red. I kind of walked into your living room and he and Kitty were in some sort of provocative embrace. I think he's putting the moves on your wife.

  Red Forman : Ooh my God. Now I've gotta kill him. Get your deer rifle, Bob.

  Bob Pinciotti : H... Hold on Red. I... I... I could have been mistaken.

  Red Forman : You know what you saw. Get the damn gun.

• [Red on young people] 

  Red Forman : Get a job, HA. It's just party all night, dance all day, and sex everywhere in between.

• [Red groans] 

  Eric : Well, Marlin, we've just seen the male of the herd grunt his displeasure. But what does it mean?

  Steven Hyde : The grunting indicates aggression, Jim.

  Eric : Ah.

  Red Forman : Idiots.

• Kitty Forman : How's it going?

  Red Forman : Real good. The foreign kid just ate something off the floor.

• Steven Hyde : Hey, Red. You have to sign this card for me.

  Red Forman : It says you're failing gym.

  Steven Hyde : Yeah.

  Red Forman : Why the hell are you failing gym?

  Steven Hyde : Because I wouldn't wear shorts?

  Red Forman : Why not?

  Steven Hyde : Would you wear shorts?

  [Red signs the card] 

• Kitty Forman : I want to have a baby.

  Red Forman : You still got Eric. He's kinda like a baby. I can make him cry if you want to.

• Red Forman : Is that kid from not America still here?

• [about Bob and Midge] 

  Red Forman : What the hell kind of a world are we living in? 'Hey, let's date other people.' 'Hey, let's date other people, but ditch them and do it in a car.' In my day, we called them degenerates, and we STONED them.

• Red : Earl, just get to work.

  Earl : Oh, sure. Right after my cup of joe. I'm useless without my coffee.

  [Earl runs out] 

  Eric : Then, I guess he hasn't had coffee in years, huh?

• [Eric just announced his plans to move away] 

  Red Forman : I'm proud of you.

  Kitty Forman : And that goes double for... what the hell did you say?

• Red Forman : Steven, I've come to think of you as a son. So I want to give you some honest, heart-felt advice. Get your head out of your ass.

• Red : [to Hyde and Fez after finding pot stashed in the basement]  You morons just hung a vacancy sign on your asses and my foot's looking for a room!

• Red Forman : Why am I doing this?

  Kitty Forman : Because I want to force some good cheer into your clogged arteries and into your cranky heart.

  Steven Hyde : Yeah, it's like Christmas Drano.

• Red : [after having a bucket of oatmeal dumped on his head]  What the hell is going on?

  Eric : Dad, it was just a prank that went wrong. Horribly... *horribly* wrong.

  Red : Really? Well I have a prank too. One where my foot *doesn't* plow through your ass! Let's hope it doesn't go horribly, *horribly* wrong!

• Kitty Forman : Wait. Are you saying you LIKE Randy?

  Red Forman : No... I'm just saying I don't hate him as much as I hate most people.

• [Eric puts boxes on a dolly. He whistles. Red works at his desk] 

  Red : You know what the great thing about whistling is? It's that you can stop whistling!

  Eric : Oh. Sorry.

  [not whistling, he puts another box on the dolly] 

  Red : Hey, bend at the knees or else I'll...

  Eric : Kick my ass, put your foot in my ass, make my ass a hat, yeah, yeah, yeah.

  Red : Geez, and I didn't think you were listening. Oh, and I need you to re- sticker the clock radios. They're on sale.

  Eric : Yeah, I saw the flyer. I already took care of it.

  Red : Really? Well, way to take initiative.

  Eric : "Way to take initiative... "? What are you up to?

  Red : Nothing. I just think you did a good job.

  Eric : Okay. But I'm watching you.

  Red : Stop being weird.

• [repeated line] 

  Red Forman : Dumbass!

• Red Forman : [Red and Eric are in the car almost late for work at Pricemart] 

  [to himself] 

  Red Forman : I love my job.

  Eric : I love you too, Dad.

  Red Forman : Oh, Eric, stop being weird.

  Eric : Thanks, Dad!

• Eric : Hey dad. You coming back inside?

  Red Forman : Eric, I love your grandmother very much. I just can't talk to her or spend any time with her.

  Eric : Did I mention that I'm in there rubbing her feet?

  Red Forman : Eric, sometimes you got to play through the pain.

  Eric : What?

  Red Forman : I don't know. Just, get back in there.

• Red Forman : I'm glad he's in prison for bribery. People like him give a bad name to Republicans.

  Eric : Yeah, all the honest ones, like Richard Nixon.

  [Everybody moves away from Eric] 

  Red Forman : What did you just say?

  Eric : Uhh... I said Nixon was framed, and Kennedy was a commie?

  Red Forman : Damn right.

• Red Forman : So, you mean, we met by you bumping into my ass?

  Kitty Forman : I guess so.

  Red Forman : Ok, but if Eric asks, I punched out a marine, defending your honor.

  Kitty Forman : And, I wasn't drunk, I was reading for the blind.

  Red Forman : Deal.

• [Jackie's dad got arrested] 

  Red Forman : Look, Jackie. I don't what to say except... your dad's rich, isn't he?

  Jackie Burkhardt : Yeah.

  Red Forman : Well, you can use that to get him out of prison.

  Jackie Burkhardt : Oh, my god. That's such a good idea. I'll do that. You know, it's true. In this country, the rich get treated better than most people.

  Red Forman : Yeah.

  [sarcastically] 

  Red Forman : I'm so glad I took some shrapnel to make that possible...

  Jackie Burkhardt : Me too.

• Red Forman : [to Eric]  Happy Birthday. You know, the lawn's not gonna cut itself.

• [Red watches Tv] 

  Red Forman : Aw, Gilligan screwed it up. Why don't they just kill him?

• Kitty Forman : [at church fundraiser]  Ok, I have jobs for everyone. Red, you can run the raffle.

  Red Forman : I'm your man.

  Kitty Forman : Don't yell at the customers.

  Red Forman : I'm... kinda your man.

  Kitty Forman : And smile.

  Red Forman : You need another man.

• Red Forman : [looking in bag of pot]  Is this what I think it is?

  Michael Kelso : If you mean paprika, then yes, sir!

  Kitty Forman : Honey, paprika is red.

  Michael Kelso : If you mean green paprika, then yes, sir!

• Red Forman : Eric, if your mother wants you and Archie and Jughead to help her, then you'll help her.

  Michael Kelso : [to Steven]  You're Jughead.

  Steven Hyde : You're so Jughead, its not even debatable.

  Michael Kelso : You are so...

  [Steven punches Michael] 

  Red Forman : Steven, stop hitting Jughead.

• Red Forman : Why is our house always infested with kids?

• Red Forman : [to Hyde]  You know all that rent money you've been giving us? I've been putting it all in a bank account for your college fees... or bail.

• Red Forman : Bud, being a teenager is like being in a war. One minute, you're crawling around blind. Next minute, you get your foot blown off.

  Bud Hyde : I wouldn't know anything about that. Never been to war. I was a conscientious.

  [Red looks at him menacingly] 

  Bud Hyde : Uhh... Canadian.

• Leo : Hi, Red. Would you give these to Kitty, please?

  [hands Red flowers] 

  Leo : Oh, and tell her I love her. Thanks.

  [leaves] 

  Red Forman : Oh, Kitty. These are for you. Looks like you got a date with a stoner.

  [Red and Kitty laugh] 

  Kitty Forman : [takes flowers and reads attached note]  "Roses are red, violets are blue. Milk, eggs, coffee."

• [Kitty has menopause] 

  Red Forman : [to Eric]  Quick, I need a wet towel and a Bloody Mary.

  [Eric stares at him] 

  Red Forman : Your mother is talking about adopting a communist orphan. HURRY, DAMMIT.

• Red Forman : Michael Kelso scored higher than you on the test? This is the kid I saw super-glue his hand to his face.

• Red Forman : [to Eric]  This is the worst thing you've ever done.

  Bob Pinciotti : [to Donna]  You too.

  Red Forman : You're gonna drive Donna home, and then you're gonna wait for me. That's an order.

  Bob Pinciotti : Ditto... Aww, come here. I can't stay mad at you with that cute face.

  [hugs her; Eric looks at Red with open arms] 

  Red Forman : Get your ugly ass in the car.

• [the kids want to throw a party] 

  Red Forman : Why here? Why is it always here?

  Kitty Forman : Well, what do you want them to do? Throw the party in the street?

  Red Forman : Yes. They puke in the street, the city cleans it up.

• Kitty Forman : You know, maybe Eric's test score is a blessing. It will be a good story when he's a senator.

  Red Forman : Senator? The word you're looking for is JANITOR.

• Red Forman : You know, Steven, you're a smart guy. You really should go to college. You're coming with us, this weekend.

  Steven Hyde : You don't trust me alone in the house, do you?

  Red Forman : See how smart you are?

• Red Forman : What's going on?

  Michael Kelso : Nothing. Just a classic case of Hand-Stuck-In-Vase.

  Red Forman : Well, if you don't get your hand out of there, you're gonna have a classic case of Foot-Stuck-In-Ass.

• [Laurie moves out] 

  Red Forman : Aw, Kitty, you think that she's all grown up. But there's still a lot that she doesn't know. I mean, what if her place doesn't have a deadbolt, or a smoke detector?

  Kitty Forman : Red, you don't have to baby her. She's twenty.

  Red Forman : You're never too old to burn to death in a fire.

• [Eric likes Stacey at Price Mart, but Stacey likes Red] 

  Eric : Did Stacey actually use the word 'freak'?

  Red Forman : Why don't you just let it go? Maybe the reason girls don't like you, is because you just don't let things go. Stacey was saying just that thing today.

• Bob Pinciotti : You're my best friend!

  Red : No I'm not!

• [Eric and Red are hunting] 

  Red Forman : I want you to forget that I'm your father for a minute. I want you to tell me exactly what you think of me.

  Eric : How about I do this when you don't have a gun?

• Red Forman : Let's not talk about it in front of the boy.

• Red Forman : Eric's old enough to hear this kind of talk. Eric, say your job got transferred to Guada-Who-The-Hell-Cares. Would you vote for the guy that did that?

  Kitty Forman : Oh, Red, Ford didn't take away your job. He took Nixon's.

• Eric : Hey, dad, um, I was wondering if you could show me, like, a few fighting moves.

  Red : Who you planning to fight?

  Eric : David Milbank.

  Bob Pinciotti : David Milbank? He's got scoliosis and asthma.

  [pause] 

  Bob Pinciotti : You could take him.

  Red : Oh, come on now, Eric. Why don't you, uh, beat up Kelso? I don't work for his dad.

  Eric : He's making a move on Donna.

  Bob Pinciotti : Oh, no. No. No. Donna's not going near that pretzel boy! No. No. You gotta nip this in the bud, Eric.

  Red : All right. All right. The bridge of the nose is very vulnerable.

  Bob Pinciotti : Oh. Oh! And hit him with a banjo!

  Red : [pauses and stares at Bob]  A banjo, Bob?

  Bob Pinciotti : What? I'm helping!

  Red : Where's he gonna get a banjo?

  Bob Pinciotti : I don't know! But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down.

  Red : [pauses and stares at Bob again]  Hitting a guy with a banjo, is dirty.

  [to Eric] 

  Red : You wanna knee him in the groin.

  Bob Pinciotti : You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.

• [At Breakfast] 

  Eric : Hey, leggo my Eggo.

  Red Forman : Hey, leggo my foot in your ass.

• Kitty Forman : Where did you learn your parenting?

  Red Forman : Korea.

• [Kitty has just come home from work] 

  Kitty Forman : Here, honey. I brought you a lollipop.

  Eric : Mom, I'm 17.

  Kitty Forman : I know. That's why I also brought you condoms.

  Eric , Red : Ehhhhhhh.

  Kitty Forman : You need to protect yourself. Today I saw a 16-year-old give birth, and I don't want that type of thing to happen to you.

  Eric : Well, this couldn't be more uncomfortable.

  [gets up and leaves] 

  Kitty Forman : Oh, honey. Don't forget your condoms.

  Eric : I was wrong.

• Kitty Forman : Red, Bob was very upset when he left here.

  Red Forman : Bob's always upset. He's a little girl in big boy pants.

• Eric : I don't think I've ever seen Mom so mad. Have you?

  Red Forman : Not since she's stopped drinking.

  Eric : What?

  Red Forman : Nothing.

• [Red on Kitty's parents] 

  Red Forman : You know, I was hoping when they'd move to Arizona, they would get lost in the desert.

• Red Forman : You know, maybe instead of finding another idiot to hang out with, you might think about unloading a few.

  [to Hyde] 

  Red Forman : Like you.

  [to Kelso] 

  Red Forman : And you.

  [to Eric] 

  Red Forman : And you.

  Eric : I'm your son.

  Red Forman : Hey, I treat everyone as equals.

• Red Forman : Kitty, I think we should rethink our 'Don't throw Leo out on his ass policy.'

  Kitty Forman : No, no. Leo stuck around because he cares about Steven.

  Leo : ...and plus I can't find my shoes, man.

• Red Forman : I say good riddance. That cat was always making a mess on my lawn and going through my garbage.

  Laurie Forman : Yeah. But now we have Hyde to do that.

  Steven Hyde : Oh yeah, Laurie? And what exactly do you do? Oh, yeah - the Packers.

• Kitty Forman : Steven's father is in town?

  Laurie Forman : Yeah, right. Like he even knows who his father is.

  [gets up and leaves] 

  Red Forman : Do you know anything about this?

  Eric : Yeah. She's a bitch.

• Red Forman : A bond between a father and son is subtle and complex-

  [to Eric] 

  Red Forman : You wipe that smirk off your face.

• [on taking care of Red's parking ticket] 

  Nina : I can't take care of this. You were parked in a fire zone.

  Red Forman : I was buying some milk.

  Nina : But what if there was a fire?

  Red Forman : Then I'd pour my milk on it.

• Red Forman : I'm... sorry that I took your money out of your little box, when I feed you and clothe you and put a roof over your head. Sorrrrry.

• [on Bob's barbecue] 

  Red Forman : Well isn't that a surprise. A National Guardsman serving up chicken.

• [on Bob] 

  Red Forman : I didn't want to insult him by offering him some nothing job.

  Kitty Forman : Oh Red, you insult him everyday.

  Red Forman : But that's different. He thinks I'm kidding.

• [Red has just won at craps] 

  Red Forman : I'm the richest man in Church.

• Red Forman : I don't see why we have to spend the night. It only took me ten minutes to catch up with everybody at my reunion.

  Kitty Forman : Red, standing in the corner by yourself muttering "Dumbass" at everyone doesn't count as "catching up".

• Bull : So, I hear your plant's closing down.

  Red Forman : Yeah, you can't compete with those damn foreign imports. You know, if I had seen this coming, I would've shot a little straighter during the war.

• [after Red insults Fez, Eric, and Kelso] 

  Kelso : Hey, hold on a second. Am I the pretty boy moron?

  Red : Yes.

  Kelso : Cool, because that's the best one.

• Red : Donna just came through hear looking pretty upset. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?

  Eric : No. I mean, she was fine just a minute ago when we were down... oh, you already know, don't you?

  Red : Of course I know.

• [Kitty wants Hyde to move in with them] 

  Red : For God's sake, Kitty, I'm not Santa Claus.

  Kitty Forman : Well, thank God you're not Santa Claus, Red. You scare the hell out of children.

• Red Forman : If one more person tells me to 'shut it'...

  Kitty Forman : You might actually 'shut it'?

• Red Foreman : Earl, I didn't make you too dumb to flip burgers. It's God fault.

• Red : Look at this. First day of deer season.

  Eric : Rabbit season.

  Steven Hyde : Duck season.

  Eric : Rabbit season.

  Steven Hyde : Duck seaon.

  Eric : Rabbit season

  Steven Hyde : Duck season.

• [Red complains about the neighbors' dog] 

  Red : That thing was always messing in my yard and going through my trash.

  Laurie Forman : Now we have Hyde for that.

  Steven Hyde : Oh yeah Laurie, and what exactly do you do? Oh that's right, the Packers.

• Eric : [Eric lied to his parents about staying at Fez's and Red has found out]  Okay, the reason I'd lie about something like that is...

  Red Forman : What happened? You pissed Donna off and she locked you out?

  Eric : Donna? No.

  Red Forman : Oh. Well you pissed me off so I'm locking you out.

• [flashback to twenty years earlier] 

  Red Forman : It's just that Frank is getting on my nerves. He's just... he's an ass. And he's dumb. He's a...

  [spotlight on Red; celestial chorus plays] 

  Red Forman : ... dumbass.

• Eric : Dad just got sued by a co-worker for wrongful termination.

  Kitty Forman : Well if the news is so unpleasant I'm ignoring it. Here, have a cupcake.

  Eric : Mom, did you hear what I said? Dad is getting sued for wrongful termination by Earl.

  Kitty Forman : Earl? He didn't do his job, he was always late and he was a complete dumbass... person.

  Eric : Mom, you said ass.

  Kitty Forman : So did you, now give me back the cupcake.

  Eric : Dad is gonna freak. I don't know how to tell him.

  [Red enters the house] 

  Red Foreman : Tell me what?

  Eric : Oh, mom said the ass word.

  Kitty Forman : Give me that.

  Eric : You know what, mom, I got this one. Whoever here is not being sued by Earl for illegal termination, raise your hand.

• Eric : You know what dad if I am still working at pricemart at your... older kill me.

  Red Foreman : You don't have to ask twice son.

  Eric : That's my daddy.

  Red Foreman : Come on let's make fun of mum's hair.

• [about Hyde's house] 

  Kitty Forman : He really shouldn't be here.

  Red : It's not so bad. Compared to Korea, this is Shangri-La wrapped in happy-fun candy.

• [seeing Donna and Eric cavorting on the kitchen table] 

  Red : Damn it. That's where I eat dinner.

• Red : Kitty, why is it we always do what you want to do and never do what I want to do?

  Kitty Forman : It's in the Bible.

• Red : Well, I'd like to help, but not as much as I'd like not to.

• Red : Steven, you're 18 now. It's time to start being a man. And the first rule to being a man is you gotta spend your life doing crap you don't wanna do.

• Red : So you just be grateful that your Dad doesn't yell at you 24-hours-a-day! And don't give me that look, because this isn't yelling! When I yell, you'll know it!

• Red : Hey, I go to church... just not during televised sporting events.

• Red : Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.

  Eric : See, when you say it, though, it just sounds weird.

• Earl : Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late, Red. My dog was hit by a car, and I had to rush him to the vet.

  Red : Earl, he was hit on Tuesday, too. I gotta say, that's one dumb dog.

• Red : Eric, if you don't want to wear your ass for a hat, you'll get up here, pronto!

  Donna : You better go. You know how that ass- hat screws up your hair.

• Red : Ah, my job, and my little girl!

  Eric : Ok, so I'm here too, dad.

  Red : Oh, and uh, speaking of you, I told Millbank's son David to come by and see you.

  Eric : David Millbank? Dad, I hated that guy.

  Red : Yeah, well, I hate his dad! But, I smile like hell whenever I see him!

• [Red has a heart attack when he learns that Fez and Laurie got married] 

  Red : [to Kitty]  If I don't make it, kill the foreign kid.

• Red Forman : [on Kitty's new health food diet]  Oh, come on! This isn't food! This is what food eats!

• Kitty Forman : Here you are, Red. Breakfast, egg whites only.

  Red Forman : But the yellow part's the baby bird. That's the part I want to eat!

• Steven Hyde : Kelso was right. *Everyone's* trying it.

  Red Forman : [holding a can of whipped cream]  I'm telling you, this stuff's just isn't for cakes. It's great all by itself.

  [sprays some in his mouth] 

  Red Forman : Wait, wait, wait.

  [sprays some on top of his head] 

  Red Forman : Look at me. I'm whipped cream head. Fear me! All fear whipped cream head!

• Kitty Forman : [Bob just gave Red a pair of shoes]  Oh, look. He gave you shoes. What do you say, Red?

  Red Forman : What the hell is wrong with you?

• Kitty Forman : Now Eric's leaving. What am I supposed to do?

  Red Forman : Well, there's a car show in Kenosha this weekend.

  Kitty Forman : A car show? I don't want to go to a goddamn car show in fucking Kenosha! I want 3 more fucking months with my baby boy! I can't do that now because of your bullshit! Way to go, dumbass!

• Mitch Miller : Eric, I didn't take your action figure.

  Red Forman : [walks by]  Doll.

  Eric : ACTION FIGURE.

• Red Forman : Don't sass me, Tarzan!

• Red Forman : Shoes are an inappropriate gift to give to a man.

  Kitty Forman : How about when you joined the army, another man issued your boots?

  Red Forman : So he gave me a gun so I let it go.

  Kitty Forman : Why can't you just accept the shoes because Bob is your friend?

  Red Forman : Kitty you don't understand. We don't give each other presents. We ignore each other.

• Red Forman : Bob, that's my stuff. You put the hell back my stuff.

  Bob Pinciotti : Sorry, Red, it was in my part of the garage.

  Kitty Forman : What's he talking about?

  Red Forman : Kitty, let me talk to him.

  Red Forman : Bob, get the hell out of my garage!

  Bob Pinciotti : [upset]  Fine!

• Kitty Forman : [to Red and Eric]  Now stop fighting and help me do this crossword. I need a 4-letter word for disappointment

  Red Forman : Eric.

  [glares at Eric] 

  Kitty Forman : [looks up nervously]  It fits...

• Steven Hyde : Oh, my God... what have I done?

  Red Forman : You've married a Vegas stripper. Congratulations. When Eric calls... you're the town dumbass.

• Red Forman : [lecturing Kitty about smoking pot]  Kitty, when we got married, we took a vow to be together through sickness and health, but nobody said anything about what to do if your wife turns into a dope fiend!

• Red Forman : [to FES]  If you don't shut up I will put you in a crate, take you down to the port, and trade you for a years worth of bananas.

• Red : [Red's response to seeing Eric's roller disco uniform]  Nice shorts, Rainbow!