Elliot the Littlest Reindeer (2018) Script

Thanks for taking the time to do this, Santa.

I know how busy you are this time of year.

We certainly are, Corkie.

But we've always got time for our favorite reporter.

Especially after what happened last year.

Am I right?

Never underestimate the power of a well-positioned puff piece to make the public forget.

I'm kidding.

This is going to be some hard-hitting journalism right here.

Again, kidding.

How about you just show me the reindeer?

As you can see, we have no problems with the reindeer... no problems at all.

We've got everything under control.

You're gonna want to write that one down.

"Everything under control."

Yeah.

Wow.

I can see that.

It's almost like you don't even need to establish the training camps.

There's just one thing.

Shouldn't there be eight of them?

What?

Well, of course, there is... four, five, six, seven.

Oh, no.

Big dreamers dream big.

Come on, Elliot.

You can do better than that.

Big dreamers dream big.

I still can't hear you.

Big dreamers dream big!

That's what I'm talking about!

Well, don't just stand there grinning like a fool.

Go!

Go, go, go.

Go, go, go.

Come on, Elliot. Go, go.

Move!

14.59 seconds exactly.

Yes!

Yes!

I finally broke 15 seconds.

127th time's the charm.

Let's hit the salt lick.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Actually, I thought maybe we could skip it today?

Oh, sure.

Why not?

Cutting a workout short never hurt anyone, right?

Exactly.

Thanks, Hazel. Hah.

That's so funny.

What's that thing coach always says?

"Success trains, failure complains"?

No, that's not it.

"The moment you quit is the moment you let someone else win"?

No!

No, Hazel, no.

That's not it, either.

Oh, I know.

"If it's important, you'll find a way.

If not, you'll find an excuse."

That's it!

Oh, that phrase just popped in my head so out of the blue.

Isn't that so funny and weird?

Fine.

OK.

Forget I said anything.

I'll do it.

I don't know why we're bothering with this.

Really, just give it a decade or two, and global warming is going to make this a total non-issue.

Call me crazy, Elliot, but I don't think our strategy should be predicated on an ecological catastrophe from which the world will never recover.

Well, when you put it that way...

All right.

OK, good.

Good start.

That's what you always say.

Try dispersing your weight more evenly.

That's it!

You're doing it!

I... I can't believe it!

It's working! Uh-oh.

And that, ladies and goats, is why Santa's always used reindeer.

Um, a little help here?

Ah, hold your miniature horses.

What are you two doing messing with the climate generator again?

These things are dangerous!

I think I hear Peanut Butter calling me.

Coming!

They already broke the off button.

Next thing you know, they'll bust the emergency shut down, too.

Ah, coach, you worry too much.

Hey, guess what?

I finally broke 15 seconds!

I mean, yeah, there's still the whole can't climb a snow drift issue to contend with.

But if you just give me a chance, I know I'd have a shot at making Santa's team.

I just know it.

Elliot, I can't understand you.

I'm not one of Santa's elves.

Go on now.

Get!

Goat run's about to start.

Aw, coach, not the goats!

Peanut Butter can handle the...

Goats, Elliot.

I wanted to show you my moves! Now!

Goats.

Goats.

So many goats.

Line up in an orderly fashion.

Oh.

For the love of... work with me, goats.

Ah, get off me, [INAUDIBLE].

You're late!

And these fool goats won't herd themselves.

What?

Who are you calling a fool? You!

You great cloven-hooved ninny.

You have responsibilities, Elliot.

Ugh. Let's just get this over with.

I should totally be carbo-loading right now.

I'll have you know the running of the goats has been a beloved and dignified tradition for more than 25 years!

Heads up, old man!

Oh, yeah, so dignified.

Oh, shut it.

Miss Ludzinka?

Hello.

Didn't we schedule your walk through for tomorrow?

I come today.

I can see that, and that's awesome.

It's just I've got this open house...

Today!

OK, then.

Great chat.

I haven't seen a crowd like this since I was but a wee fawn.

This calls for an inspirational speech.

Oh, man.

Goats of witty pity, hear me now.

You've come to run as free gourdes, and free goats you are.

The old coot's finally lost it.

You're assuming he ever had it.

What will you do with that freedom, goats?

Mm, no.

Ay, goats.

Learn, and you may die.

Goat run, and you'll live... at least a while.

What kind of a pep talk is this?

But would you be willing to trade...

All right.

That's it.

...everything for one chance to tell your enemies...

...that they may take our goats, but they will never take our goat land!

Jeez, take it easy, Peanut Butter.

Hello, goat.

Nice duck and weave, Blueberry.

Thanks!

Yee! Ha, ha!

Oh!

Uh! Ah!

Thanks, Elliot.

Oh, I forgot how good adulation feels.

I'm pretty sure they're cheering for me.

Yeah.

Keep telling yourself that, shorty.

There they are, the reindeer.

The reindeer are finally here.

You people love DJ.

Yes you do.

It's true.

DJ is fabulous.

OK, huddle up.

All right.

Good run, guys.

Good run.

Nice work out there.

Hey everyone, I'm all warmed up and ready to go.

Hey, come on, guys.

Make some room.

Yo, mini man.

I thought I made myself clear yesterday.

Let him join in, DJ.

We don't mind.

Well, I'm team captain and I do.

When are you going to give up, runt?

Because DJ is getting tired of this.

Oh, I'll never give up, so DJ better get used to it.

Is that so?

Yeah, it is.

I'll say this, little dude.

Persistence is an admirable quality, just real admirable.

Thanks, DJ.

I appreciate that.

For a reindeer.

Stinking reindeer.

Think they're so special.

Um, don't look now, but... what are you doing?

I said not to look.

Hello. Mhm.

So you, uh, you're going to eat that?

What?

Ew, no.

Come on, Hazel.

Ew.

God, that is the worst beef jerky I've ever tasted in my life.

That's because beef had nothing to do with it.

Why?

What's it say?

Ludzinka's Llama Sticks.

What the what?

Raised by Mama Llama in Peru, dehydrated by Ludzinka in Duluth.

This just in from Santa's workshop.

The world's been stunned this holiday season by a startling turn of events at the North Pole.

Oh my gosh, it can't be true.

So close to Christmas?

I can confirm the rumor.

Blitzen announced his retirement late last night, effective immediately.

Was it a medical emergency?

A family crisis?

Or is he the one behind Dancer's conscious uncoupling?

Because there has been talk and photos.

They're everywhere.

Ahem.

The truth is a juice bar in the Keys he'd been eyeing for a while finally came on the market.

Accordingly, we're calling up our top draft candidates for an emergency trial session starting tomorrow.

You can't possibly expect to find a replacement in three days.

Will there even be a Christmas?

And does Blitzen do a coldpressed GSI blend?

Because my adrenals have been sued for sluggish.

No more questions.

Well, what are you all looking at?

We've got to a trial to get to.

DJ's going big leagues.

DJ's going big leagues.

DJ's going big leagues.

Yes he is, yes he is.

Zip it, rock star.

What's your problem, Clyde?

Why you got to rain on DJ's parade?

Who said you're our top pick?

Oh I get it.

You want to be a little more reindeerly.

Mr. Assistant Coach, sir, even though I'm the number one seed in the whole entire world, I humbly ask that you choose me for the honor, nay, the privilege to serve as the Witty Bitty Farm's representative at the North Pole tryouts.

But only if it pleases you, you're most gracious immanence.

Please, Mr. Assistant Coach?

He promises to be a good boy.

Knock it off, all of you.

Why Santa insists on working with reindeer, when any other animal could do a better job, I'll never know.

And if Coach understood even half the trash you nimwits talk, he'd agree.

Did you hear that, Hazel?

This is my chance to prove I'm just as good as any stinking reindeer.

Good luck.

So the housing market's pretty crazy in the North Pole, isn't it? Elliot, what are you doing?

Demonstrating a hairpin turn.

Why?

Hey, Coach, check it out.

Stopping on a dime.

There's a shortage of housing I hear.

I'm even amazing in reverse, Coach.

Elliot, stop.

But I've been training so hard, Clyde.

If you and Coach would just give me a chance.

Well, looky looky.

Little horse is trying out.

Oh man, DJ couldn't ask for a funner humiliation himself.

Nice form.

Little guy's not half bad. What?

Not again.

Get him back to the goat pin, would you, old fella?

I don't have time for any more of his antics today.

Coach, wait.

You don't see me run the tire course yet.

Coach, please.

Oh no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Elliot, you OK in there?

He didn't even notice me.

What a loser.

No you didn't.

You wouldn't want to be a part of this anyway, kid.

Go back to the goats, buddy.

Let him go.

Go lock in.

We've got to go lock in.

Aw, Elliot.

Twas a solid effort, lad.

Yeah, thanks.

But that's what you get for trying to be something you're not.

Well, pardon me for wanting to do something with my life.

Are you implying my life isn't important?

To think I thought you'd take over for me one day.

You don't deserve the honor of overseeing the goat run.

Nobody cares about the goat run or the mini horses in charge of it.

Pst. Hey Elliot, wake up.

Just get up.

Come on.

Hazel?

What are you doing?

Oh, you know, just heading up the back nine.

Want to play buck a ball?

You're golfing?

I'm stuck.

Help me.

Wait.

You're not going to eat that, are you?

Oh, how dare you.

That is a vicious stereotype.

I have never eaten a tin can in my life.

OK, fine.

I'm a goat and I eat tin cans, all right?

Can you please stop judging me now?

I am vulnerable.

What do you need me to do?

Um, pull.

Whoa, easy.

You're going to have to go get that.

It's your can.

You get it.

Fine, we'll do it together.

Big baby.

1, 2, 3.

Quick, grab it.

Ew.

Young man, no wife, no childrens.

To own a petting zoo is weird to me.

Yeah, OK.

Well, like I said, I inherited the place from my grandparents.

You sure you'll be able to give them a good home, Ms. Ludzinka?

No need worry.

I give my animals only the best, organic feed, insulated pins.

I keep them very happy and tenderized.

Sorry, did you say tenderized?

Tenderhearted.

Forgive me.

My English, not so good.

Sure you're not throwing reindeer.

I like reindeer.

Good and gamey.

They are good at games.

I mean, I love to play different games with my friends.

The reindeer are the future of this place.

No, only the petting zoo animals are for sale.

OK.

I already make you a good offer, better than anyone else's, I'm sure.

Actually, you made the only offer, so.

You're not so good at bargaining thing, huh?

What do you mean?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing.

Shake hand.

We have deal.

We'll finalize the paperwork when I get back.

Ooh.

Moist, very moist hand.

Peanutbutter, wake up.

What are you two dunderheads doing in my stall at this unholy hour?

Coach is selling us, Peanutbutter.

To a crazy lady.

Who dehydrates llamas in Duluth.

So he's finally found a buyer?

You know about this and you didn't try to stop it?

What happened to glory and honor?

What happened to never taking our goat run.

One thing has nothing to do with the other.

It's time to stop fighting what you are and accept your station, Elliot.

Life's easier that way.

You get Ignacio, I'll get the goats.

You wouldn't last a day in the wild.

Well, that's longer than we'd last in a dehydrator.

We're not running away, Hazel.

Of course we're running away.

What else could we possibly do?

Are we about to commit a crime?

It's a gray area.

Because I've always thought I'd make an excellent saboteur.

Sabotage isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi.

Oh, what a DJing morning.

Oh, what a DJing day.

Everybody now.

We've got a DJing feeling.

Everything's DJ today.

You know, DJ's going to miss you all when he's working with the big man.

Aw, we're going to miss you too, DJ.

Oh, DJ didn't really mean it.

He was just being polite.

See you on the other side, suckers.

Shut that thing, Hazel.

I'm serious, quiet.

I'm trying.

I'm trying.

I think I got it this time.

Purring like a kitten.

What is the matter with you?

It's no big deal, I just... uh.

What is going on?

I just maybe, probably, really shouldn't have eaten that can.

Third time's the charm.

Yes.

Now hurry up and get in before she stalls again.

Oh, make it stop.

You look really bad.

Got to get that can through the old duodenum, you know?

Um, no.

You're right.

Things could get messy, cornering the small intestine.

That's only happened a couple of times in the past.

What?

All right, Sherlock.

It was five times.

OK, six.

Fine, seven.

I've had complications in the small intestine as a result of ingesting cans eight times in the past.

But you never know how things will shake out.

A ruminants gastrointestinal tract is full of surprises.

What happened to the engine?

We're going to have to make an emergency landing.

We're all going to die.

What are you doing?

Are you trying to hit that tree, Coach?

Hazel.

Help me.

Come on, Hazel.

Reach. Hazel.

Wow, well how about that?

What?

That can just shook itself right out.

This is where reindeer become heroes, boys.

Nice ride.

You make that thing out of your grandpappy's old car and some salvage tractor parts?

Yeah, why?

I'm flying corporate or nothing from now on.

I am not even kidding.

Oh, nibbles.

Let's chow.

No, forget it.

We have to register while the others are distracted.

Not even a carrot?

Come on.

I'm so hungry.

Whoohoo.

That's my boys.

Walter Wittick III, right?

Do I know you?

I don't think so.

Cause you look exactly like my next girlfriend.

I'm Walter Wittick, yes.

Oh yeah, you're the team from the petting zoo, the Witty Bitty Farm.

Wittick's Reindeer Training Camp, actually.

We're rebranding.

Aren't you some kind of minor league baseball star or something?

Youngest shortstop ever drafted.

Ooh, impressive.

I bet you'll be called up to the majors any day now.

Oh, yeah.

Major league baseball isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I decided to do something important with my life, something truly fulfilling, you know, for the kids.

How noble.

That's just the kind of guy I am, noble, magnanimous, benevolent.

I could go on.

I'm sure you could.

The thing is I heard you got sidelined by a case of the yips.

What?

Word is you woke up one day and completely lost your ability to throw the ball to first base.

Poof, like you never had it at all.

That's not... where did you...

I mean, OK, also dude, the yips is not the preferred nomenclature.

Misplaced focus, please.

You couldn't hit a ball 10 feet in front of you to save your life.

That only happened the one time.

Sure it did.

Good like out there, sport star.

That could have gone better.

Oh man, this is perfect.

Everyone in the world is going to want to visit the petting zoo that produced Santa's first non-reindeer reindeer.

Coach will make so much money, he won't have to sell us anymore.

And all you have to do is beat 20 of the world's toughest contenders in a grueling three-day competition to make it happen. Next.

Where's your human?

He's busy in the... uh, you know what?

I'd look to check in a player, please.

I'm only permitted to deal with humans.

It's a union thing.

His name's Elliot.

That is E-L-L-I-O-T-E?

At least, I think there's an E on the end.

Literacy's never really been my strong point.

Seriously, g get your human.

He's allergic to tree nuts.

Best to take it easy on the dairy, too.

Since you're obviously never going to leave, fine.

Name and feeder farm before I change my mind.

Yeah.

So again, his name is Elliot, and we are an independent entry.

You got a wild card then?

Did I mention he has a nut allergy?

I'll take that as a no.

Once you see what he can do...

Oh, for the love of Keebler.

If it will hurry you up, show me this player of yours.

Tada.

You want to enter a pony in the North Pole tryouts?

I am a miniature... Next.

What are we going to do, Hazel?

If I can't register, I can't compete.

No, no, no.

It's all big misunderstanding.

We warned you about the extra magic cookies, Moshennika.

Gentlemen, be reasonable.

I'm sure we can work this out.

Bribing Santa's helpers, Uri.

Ugh, how do you sleep at night?

Enjoy the naughty list.

Ooh.

Ah, Hazel, you don't even know what that is.

Blech, ugh.

Standard 65 pound cardstock flavored with number 12 ink?

I'm number 12 ink intolerant.

What?

It's a thing.

Hazel, you are a genius.

I know.

What's it say?

Follow me.

Can you just read it to me?

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Mhm.

This is some quality produce.

Hello, Junior.

Oh, hey dad.

Didn't realize you'd make it to the tryouts.

How are things with the Brittle... what's that place called again?

Wittick's Witty Bitty Farm, which you'd know if you ever bothered to visit.

Yes.

Well, oh dear.

Good luck, son.

Oh and Junior...

Yeah dad?

Try not to embarrass me, OK?

Say hello to Glitzen. Glitzen?

What kind of a name is Glitzen?

Weren't you just here?

Are you going to sign us in or do I have to go over your head on this?

Ahem.

Do we have a problem here, Joleen?

This goat's pulling a fast one.

I've got a wild card and I've got a player.

How is that a fast one?

This is your player?

We're blown.

He knows. He doesn't know.

Stop talking. He totally knows.

Go ahead, sign him in.

What?

He's below regulation weight and height.

He doesn't have a human, and I'm almost positive I checked in all the wild cards.

Who gives the orders around here?

You do, sir.

Then sign him in.

Thanks.

It's going to be a long day.

I knew I shouldn't have picked up this shift.

I guess we should try to find out who your main competition is.

Oh, oh DJ all the way.

Ugh, aside from the obvious.

Oh, I already know.

There's Heinrich the Dutch Dream.

Oh [INAUDIBLE]

Svetlana the Polish Punisher and her best friend, Olga the Swedish Destroyer.

Then we've got the Canadian, a.k.a.

Sasha Second Place. Ouch.

Watch it, Dutch boy.

Dang.

What is her problem?

Huge chip on her shoulder.

Dad, grandma, and great uncle all second picks at previous tryouts.

Lot of pressure to break the family curse.

All right, everybody, pipe down.

Ahem, welcome, one and all.

Santa is delighted you made the long journey and is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

OK, here's the deal.

We've got three days to find our next Blitzen.

Of course, when we set up this system, we envisioned a much longer process.

But since your predecessor proved like so many before him that reindeer are unreliable, self-absorbed, ego maniacal quitters who possess nary a hint of social responsibility nor personal honor...

Who do you think you are?

Not all reindeer, man.

This guy is amazing.

Oh, I see.

You're under the impression that reindeers are noble creatures.

Hey, I've got a good idea.

How about I enlighten you to the way things really are?

It all started in 1953 when Dixen decided to have a family and move to the suburbs.

Now, I'll be the first to admit the Dixen thing caught us off guard.

Of course, our real mistake was thinking that it was a fluke.

Because 14 years later, along comes a little movement known as "flower power," and Comet takes off to some ashram to find himself.

Then in 1988, Cupid defected to Moscow after falling in love again, this time with a little Siberian number by the name of Vladlena, on Christmas Eve, no less, which brings us to last year's incident when Prancer decided he needed some "me" time.

I mean, have you ever heard such self-absorbed baloney in all your life?

Oh, wait.

Look who I'm talking to.

Of course you have.

Wait a minute.

Are you kidding me?

Save your whining for the sports psychologist.

The point is, punks, it's no longer just about skill.

We're looking for strength of character, integrity, loyalty, qualities that seemed to have eluded your species for quite some time.

Now, get out of here.

First event starts in the main field in five.

Oh, oh DJ all the way.

Hey, hey DJ all the way.

Hm.

Hey, Little League tryouts were last week, small fry.

Good one.

Question, though.

Are you looking forward to coming in second again, JD Canuck?

Oh.

No, no, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that.

I was only trying to...

I'm just messing with you, tiny.

Would you two keep it down?

DJ's trying to get himself in the zone over here.

All right, folks.

This ain't rocket science.

First 10 get to stick around for tomorrow's event.

The rest of you, bye bye.

Take your marks.

Go DJ, go.

Wind up your knees, head down. Huh?

This is just another goat run.

Come on, Glitzen, you can do this.

You do this every day.

Duck and weave, Glitzen.

What?

Duck and weave.

Look at DJ go.

Those clowns never had a chance.

Enough of this nonsense.

There's a footy match against the old enemy on channel 3.

Hey.

Did somebody order a Spanish meatball?

Get out of there, Glitzen. Go.

Move.

Oh my goat.

What?

That little reindeer looks just like you, Peanutbutter.

[INAUDIBLE] He's got it.

He's got it.

Yeah.

Yes. Yes.

DJ loves himself.

DJ.

You see that?

The training camp is going to pay off.

Man, your boy's got some legs.

He just broke your record, right?

Not even close.

Yes, yes.

[INAUDIBLE] in your face.

Elliot, that was amazing.

Can you believe it, Hazel?

I did it.

I actually made it through.

What are you two doing here?

Uh-oh.

Do we know each other?

I'm pretty sure we've met, Elliot.

Nice hat, Hazel.

Please don't tell Coach we're here, Clyde.

Give me one good reason why not.

Because I can do this.

Did you see that?

I made the cut.

Dead last on qualifier.

You must be so proud.

OK, yeah, I was last.

But did you see me out there?

I was on fire.

Sloppy footwork, appalling technique, and a total disregard for presentation.

Some fire.

Yeah?

Well, what do you know?

You're just a cranky, old draft horse whose pulled one too many kegs.

Forget I said anything.

You'll make a perfect reindeer.

OK, time to hit the buffet.

Uh, we should just go home and take our chances with the meat lady.

Oh yeah, sure.

Let's quit now, give up on everything you've been working your entire life for.

Great plan.

I'm serious.

Sure you are. Athletes.

Wait a second.

Where is everyone?

Hey, Glitzen.

You coming to the after party?

Ooh, is that where they serve dessert?

Is there a chocolate fountain?

Reindeer only, sorry.

I'm not really in a party mood.

Why not?

You were amazing today.

I was?

Are you kidding?

I just saw the replay.

That duck and weave bit was awesome.

Oh, actually, that was...

Just a little reindeer move I came up with back at the reindeer training camp, you know with the other reindeer, like me.

Excuse me?

Well, come on then.

Don't just stand there looking short.

OK, yeah.

Yeah, you're right, Sasha.

A party sounds like a great idea.

Enjoy the buffet, Hazel.

So this is like a Christmas party?

Um, not exactly.

Younglings, welcome.

We've got food, beverages, flea dip.

Um, is that the North Pole?

Yeah.

We steal it every year.

What's that stuff all over it?

Butter.

Makes it good and slippery. Oh.

You two want to give it a try?

Do we have a choice?

What do you think we are, a couple of heartless monsters?

Because you would be right.

Come on now.

Come on.

Have fun, y'all.

Huh?

Come on, come on.

Where is it?

I know I saw it around here somewhere.

That must be where we get the dessert.

Man, are you kidding me?

No one can win this thing.

Seriously, where's an opposable thumb when you need it?

No one can win.

No one.

Dude, speak English.

You know DJ doesn't understand Korean.

He's Dutch, you idiot.

Hey, I know what to do.

I think DJ knows Korean when he hears it, Sasha.

Listen, I have an idea.

No, she is right. I am Dutch.

Guys, we're all losers.

Excuse me?

You said it yourself, DJ.

This is impossible.

But if someone doesn't get that hat down, we all lose.

All of us as a group.

Some might even call it a team.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Oh, I see.

Let's do this.

Whoa, hold on.

What just... I don't get it.

Are you wearing [INAUDIBLE] shoes, man?

Ow. Ow.

Watch it.

Oh man, I love being a reindeer.

Good to know, considering you've been one your entire life.

Oh yeah, right.

No, I'm just saying being a reindeer is awesome.

Whoa, hold up.

Do I know you, little dude?

Me?

No.

No, we just met, remember?

Yeah, but you're looking awfully familiar all of a sudden.

Oh, is that my coach calling me?

I should go.

That was weird.

Something's not right, Sasha.

I know it.

Oh wow.

Oh my goodness.

Oh, the kitchen must be behind all these shiny new sleighs.

What are you doing back here?

Oh hello, good sir.

Would you be so kind as to direct me to the ladies room?

So sorry, Madam, I cannot.

Because you're a goat.

You're not authorized to be here, either.

Would someone please tell me what is going on?

Sugar plum, there you are.

I've been looking all over for you.

I've got a bag of dog treats in my purse if you play along.

Lady, do I look like I eat Kibble?

My, my, Lemon Drop.

What is all this?

It's how the North Pole keeps up with the rest of the world.

And it's supposed to be top secret, by the way, so if you do not mind.

It's just there sure a lot of mechanical sleigh in here.

Seriously, this place is packed.

And I always thought they were manufactured exclusively for the training farms.

Oh yeah, that is right.

They sure are.

And yet here we stand in the heart of the North Pole, surrounded by a veritable suite of them.

Hey, she's right.

What gives, elf?

Care to comment?

Well, I...

I suppose we couldn't expect to keep it a secret forever.

Keep what a secret?

How we survived the Prancer crisis, of course.

How do you think Santa handled a typhoon, two blizzards, and the worst fog the eastern seaboard had ever seen with his team down a man?

Everyone knows last year was an outright disaster.

The one thing Santa didn't do was handle it.

Of course he handled it.

He was just a little late.

A little?

Try seven hours.

The candy cane has cracked.

I repeat, the candy cane has cracked.

Move, move, move.

We did what we had to do and we got the job done.

These sleighs are something else.

No need to be fed or groomed.

Don't need any sleep or exercise.

100% hassle-free.

I love technology.

Not more than you love the reindeer, though, right?

Oh yeah, no.

Of course not.

I love the reindeers.

They're so much fun.

So this is, what, a backup system?

Sure.

OK.

A backup system.

That... that's a... a good phrase.

Now, if you don't mind.

He's a terrible liar.

Yup.

So how about those dog treats?

Oh, you promised you'd stop doing that.

I saw something really strange last night, Elliot.

Last night.

Oh, man.

Lemon Drop's got this secret lab.

You should have been there, Hazel.

Full of mechanical sleighs.

There was reindeer.

I think he's up to something.

And butter.

Elliot, stop yapping about the stupid reindeer and listen to me.

Reindeer aren't stupid.

Uh, excuse me?

They're actually pretty great.

They're great?

I mean even DJ is OK once you get to know him.

OK, fine.

Let's say they can be nice to other reindeer.

How do you think they're going to react when you take off those antlers?

Maybe I won't have to.

What are you even talking about?

I just mean I might not even win, so there's no point in worrying about any of that right now.

I have to get to the gym before all the machines are taken.

I'll see you later, Hazel.

You don't look like a reindeer ready for his first flight.

DJ's got the sniffles, and it's freezing out there.

You're a reindeer, DJ.

You're genetically built for the cold.

So that's it.

After all our work, everything Coach has done for you, you're going to throw it all away over a cold?

It is what it is, old man.

I expect you on the main field in 20 minutes.

Excuse me.

OK, big guy, make some room.

OK, if you could just move your giant butt two inches to the...

OK, all right, that's it.

I am done playing.

Ooh, look at that. Nice.

Yo, Malik.

You forgot the milk.

Well, well, well.

Look at you, my lovelies.

Gee, I wonder what that sign says.

Meh, how important could it be?

Reading is overrated.

He's sick.

After everything we've worked for?

No, no, no, no, no.

He wouldn't get up for you, either?

This can't be happening.

Everything OK, gentlemen?

Great.

I can see the headline now, number 1 seed has the yips.

Reindeer trainer slash failed baseball star loses everything.

Perfect.

That's actually a little wordy.

What am I going to do?

You're right.

He's fine.

It's going to be totally fine.

It's all fine.

Sure sounds like it.

I need some air.

Your boy's wound a little tight, huh?

You have no idea.

Hairpin turn.

Candy canes.

Keep your knees in line with your hooves.

Are you talking to me?

You see anybody else wrecking the field with their sloppy technique?

It's not that bad.

OK, fine.

Maybe I am.

Knees, hooves, try it.

Try it again.

Ha ha, eat that.

Give it up, grandpa.

DJ's done.

Rest assured, your grandfather would never have tolerated this kind of behavior.

Get up, Junior.

I can't, dad.

I'm sick.

Nonsense.

You're afraid of flying. Nuh-huh.

DJ's not afraid of flying.

DJ's not afraid of anything.

OK, fine, but it's not like I chose to be a wuss.

What do you want me to do?

The only way to overcome any fear is to face it head on.

How did I know you'd say that?

I heard an extra cookie or two never hurt, either.

Huh? An extra cookie?

Isn't that kind of cheating?

I warned you about embarrassing me, Junior.

OK, dad.

Anything you say.

Now, did everyone get one of Mrs. Claus's cookies?

Apparently, we had a mix-up in this morning's count.

Rookies.

All right, hold on to your butts, folks.

These puppies don't take long to kick in.

Hello?

Huh?

Ignacio?

What are you doing here?

And why are you so small?

What the... huh?

What is happening to me?

I shouldn't have eaten those cookies.

I am ashamed.

OK, OK, OK.

There's got to be another way out here.

Aha.

Wait, what?

DJ?

Is this actually happening?

The chained monkey flies at midnight.

DJ's a cheat.

Yes, I did it, finally.

You're up, DJ.

DJ?

Last call for DJ.

I can't believe this.

He choked.

He totally choked.

This is a disaster.

Well, looks like we have our first disqualification, folks.

Hold up.

Hold up. Hold up.

DJ right here. Yeah.

Oh no.

I'm going to barf.

Yes. Yes.

You're up, Glitzen.

Good luck trying to beat that.

Come on, Blitzen.

You can do it.

OK, big dreamers dream big.

Big dreamers dream big.

Elliot, you won't believe what I...

That little guy's got some moves.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

No one puts DJ in the corner.

Nice work, Glitzen.

Oh, thanks, Sasha.

I appreciate that.

Yeah, well, enjoy it while you can.

I plan on eviscerating you tomorrow.

Um, what happened to your antlers?

They're all wonky.

Hold up.

Hold up.

What's she doing here?

I knew there was something off about that little dude.

The jig is up, goat.

You two fraudsters have been caught.

You're one to talk.

You're a cheater.

What did you just call me?

You heard me, you're a cheater.

Oh, look at that. I'm down.

I'm finally... oh come on.

Hazel, what's going on?

What is that hideous creature?

Oh man.

Elliot, is that you?

Glitzen?

What's the deal, [INAUDIBLE]?

You're trying to pull one over on us?

Did you know about this, Walter?

Me? Of course not.

Well, this is certainly a first, a pony at the North Pole tryouts. Hes' a miniature horse.

And he's the least of your problems.

What's that supposed to mean?

DJ is a cheater.

I saw him.

He ate two extra cookies.

That is an outrageous, slanderous, and egregious falsehood.

DJ's never cheated a day in his life.

Then how come you're the only reindeer still in the air?

I think it's time DJ paid a visit to the medical tent.

OK, fine.

DJ may have eaten an extra cookie or two.

But what's the big deal?

As long as you find someone to pull the sleigh, what's it matter how they do it?

You're right.

Why not let tiny horses pretend to be reindeer?

Or have reindeer ingest controlled substances?

Oh, here's a thought.

Rather than leaving presents for children, Santa just burglars their homes instead.

We'll increase our bottom line and let the old man unleash his inner criminal.

It's a win-win.

Santa's got an inner criminal?

Would one of you elves please tell us humans what these animals are saying?

They're letting me down, as usual.

Oh, sir.

What a surprise.

Tell me you've kept the mechanical sleighs in good working order, Lemon Drop.

Of course, sir, tip-top.

Why?

Because these tryouts are over.

I'm disqualifying every one everyone and canceling all further events.

Sir, if I may.

You may not.

I know how hard you've worked to make these tryouts a successful, old friend, but this has been a long time coming.

I love all of my reindeer, but I can no longer allow personal attachments to blind me to the reality of what they've become.

Therefore, it is with heavy heart that I have decided to end my association with reindeer forever.

We have to put the children of the world first.

You two ruin everything.

Centuries of matches down the drain.

We've been working for this for years, years.

Quiet.

No one is more shocked by this than me.

However, Santa has made his decision and we must abide by his wishes.

Now, if you'll excuse me, we have preparations to make.

Oh, and Merry Christmas.

You did this.

What am I supposed to tell my kids?

What kind of sicko pretends to be a reindeer?

Hang on.

Oh.

So that did not go the way I thought it would.

Oh.

Well, how did you expect things to go when you stole those cookies?

It's not like there was a sign on them saying not to... oh, reading.

Yeah. Oh.

You ruined everything, Hazel.

Did you see the way the reindeer looked at me back there?

Elliot, reindeer are jerks.

They've always been jerks and they always will be jerks.

Even Santa understands that, Santa.

But they all hate me now.

Oh, who cares what they think?

Have you've forgotten why we're here?

To save our friends.

As soon as we get home, we'll round everyone up and hit the road.

At least we've got each other.

That's what counts, isn't it?

Isn't it, Elliot?

I don't anything anymore.

Ow.

I suppose you want a comment from the idiot coach who somehow missed the fact that he had not one, but two cheating players on his roster.

Well, newsflash, I got nothing for you.

I actually wanted to see how you were doing.

Guess I got my answer.

I'm sorry.

I'm just...

You could always go back to baseball, you know?

There are ways to deal with a yi... misplaced focus.

You were good.

Not good enough.

If it's important, you'll find a way.

If not...

You'll find an excuse.

Where have I heard that before?

It's time to face facts.

I failed baseball, and now I'm going to lose the training camp, too.

So you're giving up, just like that?

Good luck, Walter, with whatever you decide to do.

Elliot, I've been looking all over for you.

Come on, it's time to go.

Coach, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean...

Come on now, get.

Thanks for getting back to me, Ms. Ludzinka.

What did I just say?

I didn't mean you, Ms. Ludzinka.

Listen, I just faxed you the signed bill of sale, so you can pick up the animals any time you like.

What? Sure.

Tonight works.

Tonight?

And I changed my mind about the reindeer.

You can have them, too.

So this is how it all ends for me, abhorred in the Arctic, dehydrated in Duluth.

I wish I could figure out who gave DJ the cookies.

You wouldn't happen to know the answer to that, would you, Sugarplum?

I sure do, a masked elf with a bad wrist tattoo.

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I really wish I could speak goat.

How about you?

Want to do an interview?

Give my readers an elf's perspective on the whole Santa quits the reindeer thing?

My boss has specifically forbidden us from talking to the press.

It would be strictly off the record.

You don't get it.

Things are so tight around here, I can't drop a chocolate kiss without Lemon Drop's permission.

You feel me?

Ew.

You mind?

Whatever.

It's only food.

The chained monkey flies at midnight.

You don't say?

Come on, lady.

It's time you learned to speak goat.

You do realize we're at the North Pole in the dead of winter, right?

Your point is?

Guys, where's Hazel?

We assumed she was with you.

We have to find her, right now.

You're that anxious to get back to your sad, little life, mini man?

I won't have a life to get back to if we don't get home before sundown.

None of us will.

What are you talking about?

I don't have time to explain.

Then I suggest you make time.

Green.

Click the green.

Click it.

It's green.

The green one.

Unright.

Unright the click. Unright.

I'm clicking.

I'm clicking.

Uh, have you ever even used a computer before?

Never used mainframe previous, although that now.

Either this translation program sucks, or you are completely insane.

Listen lady, goat is a complex language with multiple layers of subtext.

Of to fraulein.

The complicated tongue of the goat displays many floors between the lines.

She's going to turn DJ into what?

She's a monster.

Goat, OK, I can see that.

And a horse, well sure.

But who'd eat a reindeer?

Scandinavians.

Scanda who now?

You know, Nordic countries, world's largest consumers of reindeer meat.

They say reindeer is healthier than fish, low in fat, high in protein, and apparently real, real tasty.

Mm-mm.

Oh.

DJ don't feel so good.

Guys, focus.

Where is Hazel most likely to be?

Don't worry, reindeer's barely a step above worm.

This will be a piece of cake.

Hey there, what can I do you for?

Hey there, what can I do you for?

What did I tell you?

Let's just cut to the chase, my sunkissed friend.

What's the deal with the sudden retirement?

That sounded important.

It wasn't sudden.

I dreamed of owning a juice bar for years.

So it was all your idea then?

Nobody ordered you to go.

Nobody like, say, Lemon Drop?

Ordered me?

Lemon Drop?

No way.

He's never been anything but a 100% supportive.

Define supportive.

I can't find her anywhere.

Well, we'll have to leave her.

It's every animal for themselves from here on it.

What is this, the Thunderdome?

We're not leaving anyone.

Are we ready for the test run of the sleighs, Lemon Drop?

Just clearing the field, sir.

Is Rusty all ready to go?

He'll need a few minutes.

Even a state-of-the-art climate generator needs to warm up.

Are you sure about this, Nicki?

The reindeer has been such a big part of your life for so long.

The sleighs are the future, Karina.

At least they're going to have to be.

I just have this nagging feeling we're missing something.

Oh ho.

Would you look at that?

Can I get you two any refreshments before we begin?

Maybe some tea, cake perhaps?

Why not some cookies, Lemon Drop?

You seem to be pretty good at giving those out.

Am I supposed to understand what you're talking about?

Can it, elf.

We know everything.

Hazel, we have to go.

The meat lady... Shush.

Not now, Elliot.

What is going on here?

Lemon Drop was the one who supplied DJ with the extra cookies.

That's absurd.

I was here, working my hands to the bone.

You may have used Jolene as your delivery girl, but the cookies came from you.

Is this true, Lemon Drop?

That's not even the half of it.

Show him, Sugarplum.

What are you doing, Hazel?

Oh, nothing much.

Just, you know, saving Christmas.

Lemon Drop found me the real estate listening for my juice bar.

He loaned me the money for the down payment.

The little guy even helped me pack.

It's almost like he knew I wanted a juice bar before I did.

I mean that was just weird.

The truth is Lemon Drop orchestrated every reindeer retirement since 1953.

That's preposterous.

Cue the surveillance footage, Sugarplum.

Surveillance footage?

You use the naughty or nice technology on us, too?

I want kids.

Of course I do.

I just...

Thought you could put it off forever?

Oh, honey, tick tock. What?

She was 503.

Am I wrong?

But what about what Comet wants, man?

What about what Comet needs?

You need to take some time to figure out the answer to the most important question of all, brother, who is Comet?

That... that proves nothing.

Passport, rubles, and a one-way ticket to Moscow.

Go get her, tiger.

Wow, that was incredible.

Oh, wait till I show them the Prancer footage.

Please don't.

It's a super secret foot race around the world.

First contest to post a selfie from every capitol city and get 10 million likes wins.

YOLO.

Prancer still hasn't come back.

Oh, for heaven's sakes, I was only trying to help you.

By tricking me into throwing away centuries of tradition?

I want you gone by the end of the day, Lemon Drop.

You, too, Jolene.

OK.

You're firing me?

Go ahead.

But you'll see, the reindeer will let you down again.

The sleighs are the only way to protect Christmas.

They're the answer to your problem, buddy.

When did bringing joy to the children of the world become a problem?

When their population reached almost a billion.

How can one man and eight dim-witted reindeer possibly be expected to keep up?

Well, we've managed so far.

Only because of me, me.

I'm the one who manages logistics.

I'm the one who oversees production.

I'm the one who updates technology.

Me.

The only reason you can pull off any of this is because of me.

Lemon Drop, what are you doing?

Let's see how your precious reindeer hold up to this.

No.

Everybody take cover.

Nicholas, where are you going?

Have to turn off machine.

[INAUDIBLE]

[INAUDIBLE]

We have to get out of here.

Hazel.

Let go.

You're the boss.

What have you done?

Something I should have done a long time ago.

No.

Hazel.

Don't worry, Glitzen.

We've got this.

Sit down, mini man.

Somebody help me.

No, no, no.

Oh, this is very frightening.

Have to save at least one.

Oh, sugar cookie.

No.

Come on, Sasha.

Help me.

Do I look like I can be of assistance to you at this moment?

Hazel.

We got to go.

What are you doing?

Let me go.

I have to save her.

It's too late.

We have to get everyone out of there, now.

It's got an emergency shutdown, just like home.

Mini man, are you crazy?

Glitzen?

Elliot.

You saved us.

Not all of us.

Oh, mini man.

What is that?

Is that?

Hazel?

She's heading straight for the fissure.

Hold on, Hazel.

Elliot, that was amazing.

I had no idea you could do that.

Seriously, that was incredible.

You ate that snowbank like it was breakfast.

Just a little trick I learned from my best friend.

What's on the menu tonight, Mount Kilimanjaro?

Wait a second, tonight?

Oh man, tonight.

We have to go.

The meat lady comes tonight.

Meat lady?

Wait, what's this about a meat lady?

Next place better have Wi-Fi.

That's right, goats, nice and easy.

Hm.

Put that down.

I'm scared, Peanutbutter.

Now, now, child.

Oh.

I like you, little horse.

I like you very much.

She's ignoring my calls.

I was an idiot to ever trust that woman.

You can't give up on us now, Coach.

If it's important, you'll find a way.

What did you just say, Walter?

If it's important, you'll find a way.

If not, you'll find an excuse.

Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm done with excuses.

If that meat lady thinks she can hurt my animals, she's got another thing coming.

Come on, guys.

Let's go save our petting zoo.

Yeah, Coach, yeah.

Let's kick some meat lady butt.

Hey, um, would you mind if I tagged along?

Sounds like there might be one heck of a story here.

Hop on in.

Dang it, not now.

Wait, I know what to do.

You wouldn't mind giving DJ and me some cookies, would you, Santa?

The two of us are a lot more reliable than any sleigh.

Well, of course, Elliot, but I'd rather hoped you'd stay.

Huh?

We have a competition to finish.

You still want me to compete?

I may have been a little hasty in my decision before that... all right, I was definitely hasty.

I understand why you did what you did.

Me too, Santa?

No, DJ, not you.

But you're welcome to try out next time.

Everybody deserves a second chance.

So Elliot, what do you say?

Don't worry, mini man.

I'll take care of everything back home.

You stay and compete.

You earned it.

This is your chance, Elliot.

This is it.

Thanks, Santa, but my friends are more important to me.

Besides, Sasha would have beaten me, anyways.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Turning my animals into lunch meat wasn't part of the deal.

This is fraud.

I'm calling the sheriff.

I've got a contact at the state troopers office.

I never should have left.

I should have stayed to help my friends.

What was that?

Blueberry.

Make it stop.

Creepy goat eyes drill hole in my soul.

Make it stop.

What is even happening?

They've gone full goat.

No one can withstand the full goat.

Wait.

Where's...

Laddy.

Peanutbutter?

What are you doing here, boy?

I thought for sure you'd be working for Santa by now.

And I thought you'd be a horse burger.

Hold your tongue.

A miniature horse is nobody's burger.

But I'm glad you're black.

The place hasn't been the same without you and your cloven-hoof ninny.

Ew.

Tell me all about your North Pole adventure.

No more of the goat.

I go anywhere you like, just no more goat.

Can you believe she's wanted in three states?

Who knows how many animals you saved tonight.

Ho, ho, ho.

You did it, Sasha.

You won.

We didn't expect to see you tonight, Santa.

Yes, well it seems we still have an opening on the team.

I don't get what you mean.

Dad, what's going on?

It appears you weren't the only one Lemon Drop had been supplying extra cookies to, DJ.

What?

The thing is, Junior, a fear of flying actually runs in the family.

Donner admitted everything after you left.

I'm sorry, son, for everything.

I hope you can forgive me.

You want to check out my stall?

It's got a pretty good view.

So Elliot...

Oh, laddie, this is it.

Oh my gosh, it's really happening.

Oh, I'm getting all teary-eyed.

Zip it, both of you.

You're ruining his big moment.

Ssh, guys.

You were saying, Santa?

My team and I were hoping you were still interested in the position.

Really?

Really.

I don't know, I've got a lot of responsibilities here.

These goats won't hurt themselves.

Laddie, are you having a go?

Merry Christmas to all.

And to all a good night.

Bye, Elliot.

Have a great flight.

Good bye, laddie.

Now that's a story.

Everybody loves an underdog, or horse, I guess, in this case.

I mean it.

People are going to really respond to this.

You might want to think about sprucing this place up.

Oh yeah?

I have a feeling that after this story gets out, your Witty Bitty is going to get pretty popular.

First you learn to crawl.

Who do I turn to if I just hit the wall?

Walking through fire over a wire, mired in doubt.

Feels like I'm running in quicksand, sinking in the crowd.

I'm light on my feet.

Always stand at the moment.

[INAUDIBLE] see something deep inside this moment.

Life's at full speed.

It can put me through to pieces.

Small as I seem, because I'm off, yeah I'm off to the races.

Some say it's always darkest before the dawn.

The shadows will show you where the light comes from.

The rise and the falls, disguises and all, let them fall to the ground.

Coursing through veins, breaking shackles and chains.

Take the reigns and run.

I'm light on my feet.

Always stand at the moment.

[INAUDIBLE] to see something deep inside this moment.

Life's at full speed, can put me through the pieces.

Small as I seem because I'm off, yeah I'm off to the races.

Oh, yeah I'm off, I'm off to the races.

Oh, yeah I'm off, I'm off to the races.

I did all the right things and followed each chartered course, using the stars to guide the way.

I've got to be faster, stronger, better for longer, bigger, and taller.

But you're only as small as you feel.

Stay light on your feet.

Always stand at the moment.

[INAUDIBLE] Something deep inside this moment.

Life's at full speed.

It can put me through the pieces.

Small as I seem because I'm off, yeah I'm off to the races.

Oh.

Yeah, I'm off.

I'm off to the races.

I've got a deep desire like a burning fire.

Come on and take my hand.

We'll be kings and [INAUDIBLE].

We'll reach so much higher.

You and me, my friend.

So many things to see.

Hold tight and follow me.

I've done it all before.

Look up to [INAUDIBLE].

Tonight is [INAUDIBLE].

I'll show you so much more.

I've been around the world, I've seen it all.

Come on and follow me.

I want to show you how we can have it all.

Come on and follow me.

I want to show you how we can have it all.