Rifftrax Série TV 2006 - - Casting, bandes annonces et résumé
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Rifftrax Série TV - 2006

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Rifftrax est une série TV débutée en 2006 de 4 saisons et 847 épisodes

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Résumé de Rifftrax

RiffTrax are comedic MP3 tracks that you play in-sync with your favorite movies. Written and performed by the stars of the award-winning TV series Mystery Science Theater 3000, RiffTrax brings the unique humor of "Satellite of Love" partners Michael J. Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett to Hollywood's hit movies. Season 1: Official Rifftrax Season 2: Rifftrax Presents Season 3: Shorts Season 4: iRiffs
Série TV  \  2006
Amazon Acheter sur Amazon Série en cours Débute en 2006 4 saisons 847 épisodes

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246 épisodes
S01E174 - 21/03/2014 - Super Mario Bros.
The world, characters, music, even the sound effects of the Mario video games are among the most iconic entertainment creations of the 20th century. So naturally if you made a Mario movie, you’d want to abandon everything that people liked and recognized about them, and then just in case people were still willing to give it the benefit of the doubt, throw in The Happening star John Leguizamo. Let’s say you went to the cinema hoping to see your favorite character from Mario 3, the red carnivorous fish Big Bertha. Ignoring the fact that you are a moron for your favorite character not being the King of Ice World when he’s been transformed into a seal, you might be disappointed to to learn that in the movie, Big Bertha is instead a large, violent woman with prodigious cleavage who wears S & M-esque garb. (Or maybe you’re into that. In that case, you’re probably not welcome in many of the theaters that were showing Super Mario Bros.) So Big Bertha isn’t a fish, the goombas aren’t tiny, stompable, sentient mushrooms, and there’s nary a Tanooki suit to be found. No big deal, as long as the Mario Brothers are still brothers, right? What’s that? For no apparent reason Luigi is the adopted ward of Mario? Well, maybe it could still work as long as the movie isn’t an incoherent, hideous mess full of shouting and chaos and cheap sets and… Why are you shaking your head sadly? Strap on your Kuribo’s shoes and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill up on Jugem’s Cloud for riffing on the best live action Mario property that doesn’t contain Captain Lou Albano.
S01E210 - 25/09/2015 - Death Promise
It is with glee in our hearts and clumsy 70s karate vengeance on our minds that we present to you the amazing, undefinable Death Promise. So goofy, so full of confused non-actors wandering through their dialogue like kids lost at the mall, and with so much more gentle sincerity than you’d expect in a movie about systematic revenge against a group of evil slumlords. It’s Guy From Harlem meets Kill Bill meets an after-school special about friendship - in other words, we really like it. A boardroom full of comically-dressed, openly-evil New York City rich guys are hassling their slum tenants for reasons that don’t quite get around to becoming clear. Fortunately, their harassment methods don’t go much beyond “empty a box of rats into a building that’s already filled with rats.” But when they kill an old drunk boxer, the old drunk boxer’s son makes a vow, a pledge… oh, what to call it… an oath to demise? A commitment to casualties? Well, however you want to phrase it, he and his surprisingly agreeable friend Speedy work their way through the list of baddies who wronged them. All in pursuit of the main baddie, a shadowy figure who - and we’re not making this up - sits so that you can’t see his face, only his evil hand stroking the evil cat in his lap. Again, this movie is taking itself seriously. Again, we really like it. Settle in for some upbeat revenge with Mike, Kevin, and Bill. We don’t just promise you’ll have a good time: we Death Promise.
S01E01 - 01/01/2006 - Plan 9 From Outer Space (Mike Nelson Solo)
Held up by many as the Worst Movie Ever Made (though the twelve people who saw Mariah Carey's 'Glitter' may strenuously disagree) Ed Wood's classic has endured so long because of the fine performances of Vampira, Dudley Manlove, and of course, Tor Johnson, the Swedish wrestler and hulking tower of flesh who turns in his best work as Inspector Dan Clay, a hulking tower of flesh. Original film made in 1959.
S01E02 - 18/01/2006 - Night of the Living Dead (Mike Nelson solo)
A true cult classic -- and one of the scariest movies of all time. The dead are walking, and they hunger for human flesh. A group of panicked survivors are barricaded in a deserted farmhouse while the army of flesh-eating zombies hovers outside their door. Now experience the bone-chilling terror in color for the first time on DVD! With a 5.1 surround sound remix, and a hilarious commentary track by Michael J. Nelson, this is the most fun you'll ever have with the living dead! Original film made in 1968.
S01E03 - 21/07/2006 - Road House
This is it – the best movie ever made about a world-famous bouncer and his epic struggle with the evil owner of the local J.C. Penney. Patrick Swayze is at his most shirtless as Dalton, a bouncer who is as comfortable quoting Zen aphorisms as he is kicking drunken men in the head. The incomparable Sam Elliot is hilarious as Swayze's grizzled but lovable mentor, growling out lines like "I'll sleep when I'm dead," and running his weathered hand through his long, gray, greasy hair. And Kevin Tighe (of Lost) as the owner of the titular roadhouse delivers one of the strangest performances ever committed to film. Road House is the comic mother lode and Mike takes advantage of every smashed beer bottle, throat kick, and monster car smash-up in his hilarious running commentary. Original film made in 1989.
S01E04 - 06/08/2006 - The Fifth Element
Long before the exceedingly boxy, strange-looking car, there was another Element: The Fifth Element, a clown-headed young woman in orange rubber lederhosen who held the key to saving earth from a big ball of evil…stuff. Bruce Willis is a hack (as in "cab driver") who must protect her from the malevolent Zorg (Gary Oldman sporting an acrylic yarmulke, novelty teeth and an accent that makes him sound like a cross between Foghorn Leghorn and Barney Fife). The yummy Ukrainian Milla Jovovich stars as Leeloo, the titular element. Yes, earth's very existence is in the hands of someone named Leeloo.
S01E05 - 18/08/2006 - Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
The bittersweet sequel to Star Treks I, II, III and IV was indeed the "Final Frontier", one last voyage for our heroic Captain Kirk and the brave crew of the Enterprise – except for another one to follow. And then of course the several dozen spin-offs and spin-off sequels to follow. "The Final Frontier" sees a special guest appearance by the one character fit to take equal billing with William Shatner: God. And so this RiffTrax deserves an awe-inspiring guest appearance by none other than Kevin Murphy, Mike's riffing companion for years on the Satellite of Love! It's a RiffTrax lover's dream come true. (And Mike and Kevin promise not to make any jokes comparing the Enterprise and Charmin toilet paper.)
S01E06 - 29/08/2006 - Cocktail
A drunken Australian councils a young Tom Cruise on life, love, and female undergarments. Tom and Nicole's wedding night? No, this is the thrilling plot of Cocktail, starring Cruise, Bryan Brown, Kelly "Road House" Lynch and Gina "Showgirls" Gershon. When young Brian Flanagan (Cruise) is discharged from the Army and quickly discovers that he has few job prospects, scant talent, and no discernible intelligence, he exercises his only real option and gets a job at a TGI Fridays, whipping around bottles of Blue Curacao and serving deep-fried broccoli balls to people wearing suspenders. When Coughlin betrays his partner, Brian flees to Jamaica, puts on a cheap, Qiana jungle print shirt and resumes his half-baked act there, soon bedding down the improbably named Jordan Mooney (Shue). Coughlin follows him to Jamaica. Can they rekindle their friendship? Will they reform their circus/bartender act? Will they get a job together tossing chicken strips around at a Carl's Jr.?
S01E07 - 06/09/2006 - xXx
Vin Diesel, the Jean-Claude Van Damme of our time, stars as Xander Cage, an underground extreme sports star who apparently lost all his hair in a tragic skydiving accident. The NSA shanghais Xander to help them bust up a dangerous group of anarchists – and what an amazingly well-organized and thorough group of anarchists they are – by using his skills at pulling the most extremely off da heezy-fo-sheezy stunts ever, bi-atch. Samuel L. Jackson co-stars as Xander's cantankerous boss, made cantankerous, we can assume, by the fact that one side of his face is melted (the result, no doubt, of a mishap while he and his nutty friends were filming a Diet Coke and Mentos stunt for YouTube.) The film is a perfect fit for Mike's RiffTrax style, what with his deep, deep roots in the underground sports community (once, when he was nine years old, he rode his bike right over a milk carton.)
S01E08 - 15/09/2006 - Crossroads
Among the finest Britney Spears movies ever made, Crossroads* tells the story of a high school graduate who drives to L.A. Not very exciting on paper, but up on the big screen, it's a drive-to-L.A.-stravaganza! Fueled by today's exciting pop hits, Crossroads is sure to connect with the new "youth" market we've been hearing so much about lately. Featuring knock-out performances by Dan Aykroyd (My Girl 2) and Kim Cattrall (Turk 182!) and featuring the chart busting hits of newcomers Mystikal and *Nsync (prounounced NUHS-ink), Crossroads is Federline-free fun for the whole family. Oh, and it makes for a hilarious RiffTrax. *Not the Crossroads where the Karate Kid (Ralph Macchio) challenges Satan (The Author of All Lies) to a blues guitar contest.
S01E09 - 22/09/2006 - X-Men
On the shadowy periphery of society lives a secret organization of mutants – despised, deformed and loathed, they live in fear of a nation that holds them in contempt. They are comic book fans. And one of their favorites is X-Men, which tells the tale of a secret organization headed by Professor Charles Xavier, master of the mysterious brain device known as Cerebro and ideological enemy of the metal-manipulating villain Magneto. It's all very neat-o. Featuring the extremely British performances of Patrick Stewart (Robin Hood: Men in Tights) and Sir Ian McKellan (Last Action Hero), X-Men tries its altogether best to maintain some shred of dignity even while adults with names like Cyclops and Storm leap around in spandex suits fighting other adults named Toad and Magneto. There's a lot to work with, so Mike enlisted the help of his MST3K co-star Bill Corbett for this hilarious RiffTrax!
S01E10 - 29/09/2006 - Top Gun
Iceman, Maverick and Slider: while they make great names for members of a tracksuit wearing boy band, they make even better names for shirtless, pretty boy pilots! And Tom Cruise is the prettiest and shirtless-liest of them all as Maverick, a bad boy aviator who lock horns with the large-toothed Iceman (Val "The Island of Dr. Moreau" Kilmer) and locks other things with the saucy MIT-educated Naval consultant Charlie (Kelly "Supergator" McGillis). And if you're a fan of music that is likely to be heard in an aerobics class, you'll love the pulse-pounding soundtrack by disco top gun Giorgio Moroder! For this RiffTrax, Mike flies high with his Mystery Science wingman, Bill Corbett. It will literally "take your breath away"! No breath will actually be taken away. When we say "literally" we don't literally mean it. Original film made in 1986.
S01E11 - 10/10/2006 - Point Break
Not since Chicken Fried Steak met Country Gravy has there been such a dynamic pairing as Patrick "Forever Lulu" Swayze and Keanu "Permanent Record" Reeves. The "whoa"s fly fast and furious as Johnny Utah (Reeves), a hotshot FBI agent, pursues Bodhi (Swayze), a tan little fellow with Bon Jovi's hair who dresses up in adorable little costumes and robs banks. Gary Busey (the other Nick Nolte) gives a powerhouse performance as Utah's partner, and Lori "Free Willy" Petty, in one of her thinnest roles, is the girl Johnny likes to sleep with. Point Break is 100% pure adrenaline and Mike's "Point Break" RiffTrax is 100% pure nitrous oxide!
S01E12 - 19/10/2006 - Halloween
The most shocking Halloween-related thing ever -- with the possible exception of the joke about Mrs. Ghost not being able to get pregnant because Mr. Ghost had a hollow weenie. But in a respectable 2nd place, anyway, is Halloween, the horrifying tale of an evil madman named Mike Myers (as if his Simon character wasn't chilling enough) who terrorizes a babysitter by putting on a jumpsuit and hiding in the hedge. (A technique now widely used by custodians the world over.) Featuring the blood curdling theme song by director John Carpenter in which he hits a G on a piano key 900 times, then a C about 738 times and then hammers on the G for a time before hitting a G# and then starting the process over again and repeating it several hundred thousand times. Because he was too chicken to sit in the dark and watch it by himself, Mike enlisted the help of his old pal Kevin Murphy for this hilarious RiffTrax. You'll scream, you'll laugh, you'll jump out of your seat! (And then you should probably start watching the movie).
S01E13 - 25/10/2006 - The Matrix
In Earth's dirty, dystopian future, one in which every person alive is kept in a dark, moist pod and fed misinformation (kind of like Manhattan, only the odors are less pungent), only one man can save us – and that man is Johnny Utah. Wait, no – Johnny Mnemonic. Hold on, that's not it. It's some kind of car name…uh, Horizon, um….Omni. Ram Charger – No, Neo. That's it. Neo. Led by the enterprising Morpheus, and the hot-erprising Trinity, Neo learns his fate from the Oracle, a corpulent, crusty, chain-smoking broad who is likely to put you off Oracles forever. What is the Matrix? It's a laugh-a-minute RiffTrax with Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy, that's what.
S01E14 - 01/11/2006 - Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Of all the many Binks in the world, who is the most skull-crushingly annoying? Is it the Binks Company, the Canadian insurance brokers? Is it the U.S. manufacturers of spray guns, paint booths, and electrostatic spray equipment? Or is Jar Jar, the mouthy horse-lizard from the 4th Star Wars movie, appropriately titled Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace? If you said anything but number three, you are imprisonably insane! That's right, Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy take on the franchise-ruining Star Wars that everybody loves to hate but nobody loves to watch! Only we make you want to watch it again, and laugh instead of kill! Finally, Jar Jar gets what he deserves! Original film made in 1999.
S01E15 - 10/11/2006 - The Grudge
The scariest thing to come out of Japan since Pink Lady, The Grudge tells the story of a young woman who travels to Japan with her underwear-sniffing boyfriend and soon finds herself in the clutches of an evil curse (as if having an underwear-sniffing boyfriend wasn't bad enough). Bill Pullman co-stars, sort of, in that he speaks several lines of dialogue. In contrast to a high body count slasher film, The Grudge is infused with a suffocating sense of dread, very much like an average episode of According to Jim. Kevin Murphy and Mike Nelson settle their own grudge in this not-to-be-missed RiffTrax.
S01E16 - 21/11/2006 - The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
The greatest fantasy epic of all times is at last a RiffTrax! No, not Crossroads – we already did that. And not A Very Unlucky Leprechaun – which we haven't done yet but are seriously mulling over. We speak of course of Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, the thrilling tale of some short guys, some slightly taller hairy guys, some thin, fey, but slightly taller guys, some grungy, somewhat beefier, slightly taller guys, and a frighteningly hairy, older, slightly taller guy with a stick, and their quest to throw something somewhere hot. Mike Nelson and special guest riffer Kevin Murphy go after the ultimate comedy prize in this very special two-part RiffTrax. This RiffTrax is only compatible with the Theatrical Release, not the extended edition. It does however, work for both the single side and doubled sided versions of the Theatrical Release. Viewing Suggestion: This RiffTrax was written and performed with the whole family in mind, so if you are comfortable with your children watching Lord of the Rings, this should be perfectly appropriate for them as well. Skip the endless reruns of The War at Home and treat your whole family to the RiffTrax experience!
S01E17 - 01/12/2006 - The Island of Dr. Moreau
And the people cried out with one voice, "Maketh us a movie in which Marlon Brando can don a muumuu, false teeth, clown white make-up and a really gay bonnet. See that it also stareth Val Kilmer at his scenery-chewing best. And, yea, putteth the extras in hot, smelly animal suits and maketh you the plot absurd." And, lo, did John Frankenheimer deliver unto us The Island of Dr. Moreau. And it was good. Truly, you must see it to believe it. But you must only see it accompanied by this RiffTrax, for which Mike enlisted the talents of Kevin Murphy, or else you WILL die. Original film made in 1996.
S01E18 - 08/12/2006 - Firewall
The thrilling world of banking explodes across the silver screen! Harrison Ford is a bank security manager who gets more than he bargained for when a cold-blooded thief (Paul Bettany) breaks the little chain and steals the pen that belongs to the desk where most customers fill out their deposit slips! And as if that weren't enough, he ups the ante, nearly emptying the entire pot of complimentary coffee into his giant, one-liter travel mug that he got from the Tom Thumb! His reign of terror continues as he gets in line for the teller and begins to fill out his deposit slip only after he gets to the counter! Oh, there are gunfights and fisticuffs and intrigue and Virginia Madsen playing put-upon wives and whatnot, but mostly, this is thrilling, non-stop, ink-spilling banking at its best! The bottom line on this ledger shows an aggregate surplus of laughs, as Mike is joined by Kevin Murphy for one fiscally sound RiffTrax!
S01E19 - 19/12/2006 - Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey
You know Dasher, of course. And Dancer, no need to refresh your memory there. Prancer, you go way back. Vixen is as familiar to you as Comet, not to mention dear old Cupid. Donner and Blitzen, why you had them over to your house for chili just the other night. But do you recall the most famous donkey of all? Neither do I. That's why Nestor the Long Eared Christmas Donkey performs such a great service. It offers THE authoritative biography of this under-appreciated representative of the species Equus asinus. And it makes a great RiffTrax! Note: Though this RiffTrax could probably technically pass with a "G" rating, it is not recommended for very young children. We suggest screening it first if you are unsure.
S01E20 - 21/12/2006 - Reign of Fire
A post-apocalyptic thriller that substitutes dirt and grime for any inkling of logic and probability, Reign of Fire features shirtless one-upmanship at its finest. The cigar stub chomping Matthew McConaughey is finally chiseled into Mt. RiffTrax, making a gutsy bid to become the hardest working shirtless man in show business since The Swayze himself. Playing the Keanu-esque foil to McConaughey's Swayze, Christian Bale returns every hardened stare, lets no machismo go unanswered, no muscle flex go un-flexed back at, and he'll be damned if he puts a shirt on either. For good measure, the writers also toss in a few dragons, and hint at the existence of thousands more. It's an old fashioned post-apocalyptic dude-off, both on the screen and in the recording booth, as Kevin Murphy joins Mike Nelson for what is sure to be your newest favorite RiffTrax involving dragons.
S01E21 - 18/01/2007 - Daredevil
Several years ago, it is quite likely that you were one of the millions who bought a ticket to see X-Men or Spider-Man in the theater. The massive success of these two movies convinced studio execs that the public was desperate for any and all things Superhero. In short, it is because of you, yes you, that the film Daredevil darkens our world. Daredevil tells the story of lawyer Matt Murdock (Ben Affleck), who due to a childhood accident involving toxic chemicals has no fear. He is thus able to leap off of skyscrapers and land on the ground without shattering his tibias. Along the way he encounters Elektra (Jennifer Garner), who he fights on a teeter-totter, Bullseye (Colin Farrell), who embraces every stereotype about the Irish, (namely that they have really good aim) and Michael Clarke Duncan, who plays against character for once, in his groundbreaking role as A Really Big Guy. Only a fool would choose to leap headfirst into such a world of second tier heroes on his own, and Mike, despite voluntarily spending hours of his time watching Daredevil, is no fool. So his good friends Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, (who are both also Men Without Fear) are all along for the ride. It's a trio of crime fighting Riffiness that no Riffaholic should Riff without.
S01E22 - 28/01/2007 - Battlefield Earth
In the year 3000 man is an endangered species, enslaved, severely unshowered, beholden to a cruel alien race fond of dreadlocks and really impractical boots.Only one man can break the yoke of slavery and lead mankind to victory over their cruel tyranny. And that one man is television character actor Peter MacNicol. Wait – slight error there. Salt of the earth, Peter MacNicol, but it's not him. Actually, the one man who can break the yoke of slavery and lead mankind to victory is Johnny Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper), if you can believe that. Yes, Battlefield Earth, L. Ron Hubbard's epic tale of why you should become a Scientologist splashes* across the big screen in John Travolta's masterful** retelling. Helping Mr. Travolta along in his masterful retelling are Mike, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett. Yes, the MST3K gang is back together in full force to take on the most legendary cinematic blunder since whatever Joel Schumacher's last film was. *like vomit. **here "masterful" is used in the sense of "revoltingly, irredeemably noxious" Original film made in 2000.
S01E23 - 02/02/2007 - Troll 2
"Be afraid...be twice as afraid!" So goes the tagline for Troll 2, the follow up, unsurprisingly, to Troll. A more fitting tagline might have been, "What the hell was that? Seriously, what was that? Was the director spraying Pam cooking spray into a paper bag and huffing the fumes throughout the production? Was the script assembled by a madman using words clipped from Lyndon LaRouche pamphlets? Did the actors regularly ingest a cocktail of lithium and horse tranquilizers before each scene? And Eliot – someone please explain Eliot to me, using visual aids, if you will, because I cannot even begin to grasp the barest outlines of a concept of just what the hell Eliot is or was? Or does he just exist in some shadowy, nightmare dream world of my own creation? WHO IS ELIOT? WHY IS ELIOT?! WHERE AM I?!" Yeah, that should have been the tagline, but it's a touch long. As it is, Rich Kyanka, the founder and proprietor of Somethingawful.com (and a huge "fan" of Troll 2) joins Mike for a hilarious RiffTrax. Original film made in 1990.
S01E24 - 09/02/2007 - Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
"To boldly go where no man has gone before," and if you don't count the 79 television shows and 5 movies that came before it then Star Trek VI does exactly that. Yes, it's bold enough to have lauded stage actor Christopher Plummer glue on a few hideous plastic appliqués and shriek out lines from Shakespeare's plays at inappropriate times. It's bold enough to hire Kim Cattrall for her acting experience alone in a role that has nothing whatsoever to do with sex. And it's bold enough to pretend with a straight face that the cast of the original series shouldn't have been dry docked 20 years prior to this film. To handle this mess, Mike enlisted the aid of Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, his riffing companions from Mystery Science Theater 3000. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll say to yourself, Who is John Shuck and how can I avoid his work from now on?
S01E25 - 16/02/2007 - Over the Top
Never make the mistake of thinking that Over the Top is just an arm-wrestling picture. Oh, there's arm wrestling, all right – more arm wrestling than an 8th grade study hall. But there's also a truck. And a kid. And a whole lot of arm wrestling! And just wait till you hear the shocking secret behind Sylvester Stallone's signature "turning the hat backward" move. (Hint: it has something to do with arm wrestling!) And there's arm wrestling! And if you're really good, maybe there'll be a Kenny Loggins song at key points in the movie. (And arm wrestling) Mike won't come out and say it, but by the glint in his eye, we suspect that this just may be the next Road House! Disembaudio co-stars in this arm-wrestlo-rama of a RiffTrax.
S01E26 - 23/02/2007 - Aeon Flux
"Seeing it...made me feel helpless, humiliated and sad." A celebrity apologizing for their latest paparazzi shots? No, those are the words of Aeon Flux creator Peter Chung regarding the big screen adaptation of the TV show he created. Peter, Peter, Peter...Why the long face? You have it so good! You want helpless? Watch yet another director hamfistedly attempt to cope with a studio's order to "Be more like The Matrix." You want humiliated? Try Best Actress Oscar winners Charlize Theron and Frances McDormand, who must have done some hard drinking together the night before they signed up to play members of a spy sect called the "Monicans" for some reason. Want sad? Look at the latest devoted sect of fanboys whose beloved cult cartoon is now known by the general population as being "That movie with that guy from xXx." Peter my friend, when a bomb as fast and as loud and as incomprehensible as Aeon Flux comes along, it's your job to just quietly cash the checks, and then turn the reigns over to Mike Nelson and Kevin Murphy, and let the two of them do their thing. The hilarity, much like the Relical, (whatever that is), is omnipresent in this RiffTrax, and it is guaranteed to make you feel the opposite of helpless, humiliated and sad, (whatever that may be as well.)
S01E27 - 02/03/2007 - The Wicker Man
Horror has a new name – and that name is "wicker". Once used almost exclusively in the construction of baskets and attractive outdoor furniture, wicker will now and forever after be synonymous with a terror that will chill your blood and torment your mind! (Though admittedly a certain small percentage of people, rather than associating it with terror, will continue to think of their grandma's patio set. There's nothing you can do about these intractable folks but throw your hands in the air and just give up trying to change their minds where wicker is concerned.) Yes, "Wicker Man" dares to depict a nightmarish world in which Nicolas Cage punches a woman in the face so that he can steal her bear costume. And this after having stolen at gunpoint a bike belonging to a woman dressed as a magpie and then going on to knock out Leelee Sobieski by kicking her in the breadbasket. If this doesn't sound scary, may I remind you that there's WICKER! Neil LaBute has done the impossible by making the most unintentionally funny movie since "The Lake House". With such rich fare it would be unthinkable not to let Kevin Murphy in on the fun. And so we did! Kevin and Mike couldn't have had a better time with "The Wicker Man" if he'd been made of rattan! Original film made in 2006.
S01E28 - 16/03/2007 - Terminator 3
Robots sent from the future into the past to kill people who will one day become important to the war against machines are like cockroaches – no matter how many of ‘em you kill, there’s always another, showing up one day naked in a little glowing ball of energy (the robots from the future, not cockroaches. Well, to be clear, the cockroaches show up naked as well, but without the little glowing ball of energy.) The point is, humanity’s loss is our gain, as Terminator 3 offers another chance for Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger to show off his prodigious acting chops [i.e., his pecs]. Kristanna Loken co-stars as the ruthless Termanatrix, a superior model of robot with, I think you’ll agree, a superior bare backside, altogether less hairy, not nearly as Austrian, with smooth, clean lines and a… anyway, back to the synopsis. Arnold must protect John Connor (Nick Stahl) not only from the Terminatrix, but also, because the kid is a supremely annoying presence, from all those who want to slap him, and that encompasses everyone who has ever met him. Things get complicated when a whiny young irritant named Kate (Claire Danes) locks John into an unhygienic dog kennel and refuses to even worm him. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines is a big, dumb movie filled with big, dumb people. Kevin Murphy and Mike Nelson are two big, dumb guys who are just dumb enough to take it on!
S01E29 - 30/03/2007 - Lost: Pilot (1)
The television phenomenon of our time (no, not “According to Jim”) is now the RiffTrax phenomenon of this week! Yes, “Lost”, the thrilling saga of a group of castaways – of varying degrees of hotness – and their struggle to survive without having to resort to wholesale drinking of their own urine. “Lost” conveys the wit, intrigue and fierce intelligence of “Gilligan’s Island” in a modern setting – and without the mind-shattering annoyance of Bob Denver! If you like your “Lost” with a little something on the side, you’ll love Kevin and Mike’s take on the pilot episode.
S01E30 - 06/04/2007 - Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
It’s Binks-ian fun for the whole family as George Lucas empties the contents of his brain onto film one more time! This go around, the part of the annoying kid is explored more deeply by a new annoying kid, Hayden Christensen, in a performance so jaw-droppingly wooden and laughable it’s got to make Keanu Reeves feel pretty darned good about himself. Ewan McGregor returns as that one guy who was once played by that other British guy, and he’s apparently become comfortable enough with his green screen acting that he no longer even pretends it matters whether he puts in effort or not. And returning for the role of Padme Amidala is Natalie Portman, looking cute but losing her bid to keep her voice from grinding into her audience’s skull like a buzz saw. All of this would be a RiffTrax dream come true – but making it even dream come true-ier is that Mike and Kevin are joined by none other than Chad Vader, brother of Darth and star of his own colossally successful internet series. It is quite simply a RiffTacular RiffStravaganza!
S01E31 - 13/04/2007 - Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Your favorite chicken-slaughtering candy-maker is now a RiffTrax! Yes, Willy Wonka (the older, shouting Willy Wonka, not the newer, thin, fey version), the chocolatier and inventor of a gobstopper that lasts a good deal longer than the older, short-lived gobstoppers, gets the treatment from Mike and special guest Riffer…(wait for it… drum roll… fanfare… small burst of fireworks…) Neil Patrick Harris! That's right, Neil Patrick Harris, not Ed Harris, the guy with the scar on his face from "A History of Violence", but rather NEIL PATRICK HARRIS! Yes, we somehow finagled the star of "How I Met Your Mother" into the RiffTrax studios to sit with one of his favorite Oompa Loompa-packed films. The result is a very special, very hilarious RiffTrax.
S01E32 - 30/04/2007 - Casino Royale
A spine-tingling thrill ride that moves from the exotic poker tables of Montenegro, to the exotic hotel rooms of Montenegro, then back to the poker tables, then the rooms again, then a return visit to the poker table for a more extended stay, then a short rest and back to the poker table! And there's killing, too! And lot's of sweet lovin', if you're into that. Daniel Craig inhabits the role of James Bond, the dashing MI6 agent who holds a license to kill, as well a license to wax his chest and wear tiny, undignified swimming trunks. Eva Green is Vesper Lynd, (get it?) the hot-to-trot financier who administers the majority of Bond's lovin', with luscious Caterina Murino batting clean-up. And Danish actor Mads Mikkelsen stars as Le Chiffre, a sardine-faced villain and numbers genius (he can make change for a dollar without punching it into the cash register!) Joining Mike is Kevin Murphy. Both Mike and Kevin have a license to Riff.
S01E33 - 11/05/2007 - Eragon
Are you a fan of Star Wars but feel that there just weren't enough brain-stunningly idiotic names for your taste? Do you like the Lord of the Rings films but find they move too quickly and make too much sense? Did you enjoy The Matrix but wish it could have contained a horrendously embarrassing performance by former actor/professional picnic ham John Malkovich? Then you need help! That is, then Eragon is the film for you! Ostensibly about some punk who finds a dragon egg, Eragon is actually a poignant onscreen documentation of the decline of Jeremy Irons, whose eye bags, if there were any justice, would have received third billing. And it's also a showcase for first time actor - um- can't remember his name. Really made no impression one way or the other. (In fact, was he even in the film?) But mostly it's an opportunity to watch John Malkovich turn in a performance that had to - HAD TO - be a direct challenge to the director, "Please, fire me.I'm begging you to fire me. I'll do a take like this and then you'll have to fire me. Wait,I'm still not fired?" Kevin Murphy joins Mike in the RiffTrax International Studios (and Small Engine Repair) for Eragon, the blockbuster fantasy epic that forgets to be a blockbuster.
S01E34 - 21/05/2007 - Glitter
If you're a fan of movies that feature screaming, megalomaniacal divas and their relationships to shirtless guys, you have so far been limited to Barbra Steisand's "A Star is Born". But now, like a nut-covered cheese log from heaven comes Mariah Carey's "Glitter" - the film that, more than even her decade long string of unlistenable pop songs, landed her in the loony bin where she spent several months writing lyrics on the padded walls of her recovery room using a thick crayon held between her toes. A film that, without the barest hint of shame or irony, features as a centerpiece the Robert Palmer song, "I Didn't Mean to Turn You On." A film that, against all laws of logic and common sense, gives a prominent role to the former Mr. Halle Berry (a.k.a, Eric Benet.) No one, not even Mike, is dumb enough to take this one without some serious help. And serious help he got in the person of former MST3K cast member Mary Jo Pehl. A true RiffTrax event!
S01E35 - 01/06/2007 - Predator
Something lurks in the dense jungle. Something horrible and cruel, a creature from beyond our world. His name is Arnold Schwarzenegger. He lurks next to another unspeakable creature named Jesse Ventura. And another, goes by the handle Carl Weathers. Who himself lurks next to a monstrous slab of flesh known as Bill Duke. Together, they face down a creature who, quite understandably, hunts them for their skulls, hoping to fetch a fair price for them at the many Open Skull Markets that dot the galaxy. (If you haven't been to one, you must go. Take the kids, because the markets are very family friendly and they have these great Hawaiian Ice stands. And, of course, there's the skulls.) Predator unseals a whole tin of whoop-bottom, trotting out cliches like so many, well, like so many boiled human skulls at the terrific Open Skull Market on Nespus VIII (honestly, I know I sound like I'm raving, but it really is just a great way to spend a Saturday, and it's fairly reasonable, too.) Finally, a good use for your Predator DVD that isn't "propping up that one corner of the entertainment stand, the one whose castor you snapped off when you were moving out of that place on Spring Street because you just couldn't hack sharing a place with Beezer anymore, on account of his socks." Original film made in 1987.
S01E36 - 11/06/2007 - Grey's Anatomy: Pilot (2)
This is the second part of the "Grey's Anatomy Season One Pilot" episode and should not be numbered separately from the first part.
S01E37 - 22/06/2007 - Fantastic Four
Most film adaptations of comic books skimp on the amount of fantastic-ness, offering at best one or perhaps two units of fantastic-osity. Not Fantastic Four! It goes the extra mile by providing THREE (3) fantastic characters (plus a bonus character who's not so much fantastic as he is a fantastic irritant, in the spirit of battery acid on the skin or airplane glue in the eyes.) Plus, Fantastic Four gives you a villain who looks and acts as though he were carved out of large log of congealed tallow! And while other movies might cast Jessica Alba in a lead role and then task her with giving a performance, Fantastic Four plays to her strengths by avoiding any performance at all and instead merely parades her around in a tighter-than-skin Spandex suit. Featuring eye-popping special effects and a collection of words written down and then spoken by the actors (it would be a wild exaggeration to refer to it as a "script"), Fantastic Four gets a fantastic four star rating* from Mike and expert riffer Kevin Murphy. *Out of ten possible.
S01E38 - 02/07/2007 - Star Trek VII: Generations
Star Trek: Generations – truly a loving gift from one generation to the next. Much like that 15-pound, 10 percent water-added Danish ham that your uncle Clark who lives in Rockford mailed to you on Thanksgiving, the one that cracked open in transport and arrived at your doorstop in a brine soaked box, stinking like a week old corpse. Yes, this is the legendary Star Trek that at long last teams two of the series' most enduring elements – Scotty, and a size 74 uniform. Not to mention a performance by respected British actor Malcolm McDowell that can only be described as, well, dis-un-respect-ulating. And Klingon cleavage? Generations has it in great heaping mounds! Mike and Kevin Murphy climb once more unto the breach for a fun-filled, intergenerational riff.
S01E39 - 31/07/2007 - 300
A small band of brave men struggle against enormous odds, battling a superior force, and though ultimately they are defeated their sacrifice becomes a source of inspiration and hope that rings out like a clarion call through the pages of history. But enough about the Mighty Ducks. 300, in contrast, is about a gang of shirtless and immoral baby-killing idiots who hack up a larger group of idiots on some cliff in Greece a couple of thousand years ago. To a soundtrack of ersatz Nine Inch Nails. Starring Gerard Butler as a shrieking inarticulate Scotsman (so in other words "a Scotsman"), 300 delivers on its promise to be the bloodiest movie since Carrie 2: Carrie vs. Saw. (Though it should be noted that in lieu of blood, 300 utilized digital globs of diluted road tar.) To make it a fair fight, Mike enlisted the help of battle veterans Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy. 3 against the 300! This…is…RIFFTRAX!
S01E40 - 07/08/2007 - The Bourne Identity
Imagine waking up in an unfamiliar place, unable to recall where you live, what you're doing there, or even your own name. Now imagine for the first time in your life it wasn't a direct result of your downing eleven pints of Guinness and then agreeing to do a Lemon Drop shooter with Jimmy T., Spleef, and Hondo the night before at Durty Nelly's. Now imagine that you began to discover you had mysterious talents -- talents that didn't involve the ability to stand next to the open refrigerator door in your underpants and drink a half gallon of Minute Maid Pulp Free directly from the pitcher without stopping for air. Now imagine you are Matt Damon. Why, the mere thought of it is to stare into a bottomless well of agony. Yet Matt Damon awakes to that fresh horror every morning of his life (the horror of discovering that he remains Matt Damon, not all that stuff about his memory. That happens to his character in that one movie – what's it called? – The Bourne Identity. My memory's not so good.) Anyway, the point is that Bourne Identity is a pulse-pounding thriller that goes from the exotic…um, somethings of somewhere to the even more exotic – look, it's tough to recall all the little things, I'm just a little fuzzy today. Suffice it to say that Bourne Identity makes for a terrific RiffTrax – and the fact that Mike is joined by Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett, well, that's just -- what do you call it, that brown runny stuff – gravy!
S01E41 - 14/08/2007 - Independence Day
In every single one of the 900 million aliens-come-to-earth movies that had come before it the aliens were malevolent, bent on man's destruction, but Independence Day changed all that. Yes, the alien's were once again malevolent, but this time Judd Hirsch was in the movie! Never before had this even been dreamt of, putting Judd Hirsch in a film. It was a brazen move, one almost as stunning as casting Bill Pullman as the president of the United States as opposed to taking the obvious path and casting him as a guy at a Rapid Oil Change who says, "Ahead. Little more. Little more. Okay, stop." And never before in screen history had a person named "Vivica" done anything let alone attempt to act credibly in a movie role. Not only that, Independence Day dares to feature one of the most ineffective inspirational speeches since those delivered in a bunker in Berlin in late April 1945. For ID4, Mike is joined by both Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, so in the words of Captain Jimmy Wilder, Kick the tires and light the fires!* *If it wouldn't be too much trouble. And we'd like to thank you in advance for your anticipated cooperation in our tire kicking, fire lighting scheme.** **RiffTrax is to be held blameless for any damaged tires, bruised tarsals or burnt property as a result of any tire kicking or fire lighting engaged in by the customer.
S01E42 - 04/09/2007 - Heroes: Pilot (2)
This is the second part of the "Heroes Season One Pilot" episode and should not be numbered separately from the first part.
S01E43 - 25/09/2007 - Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
The Sith is back, and this time he has come to make ponderous speeches to the gathered Senate and kick tail – and he's all out of ponderous speeches to the gathered Senate! Ian McDiarmid steals the show as the Supreme Chancellor Palpatine (not to be confused with the heart medication of the same name. Palpatine is not for everyone. Ask your doctor if Palpatine might be right for you.) He inhabits the character showing astonishing range: now fey and annoying, now wrinkled and laughable. As to the rest of the cast – it's the darndest thing, but I can't recall that there was anyone else even in the movie. There was a Darth Vader costume, I believe, but that was filled by a wax statue and manipulated digitally to remove any possible chance that it would be interesting in any way. And there was something called a Ewan McGregor, but further research shows that to be a technical term used by the key grip for a kind of light stand. Oh, and Natalie Portman was in it, kind of. Mike is joined by Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy on the RiffTrax for this, the Sithiest film ever made!
S01E44 - 02/10/2007 - Raiders of the Lost Ark
The ark is lost! Who will raid it?! Clearly, there is only one man for the job: but since Ben Gazzara is unavailable, Indiana Jones will go in his stead and accomplish the needed raiding. That the shoot will take place in Tunesia where the traditional fig liquor "bokha" is readily available to cast and crew alike simply means that the raiding will get off to a particularly rousing start. Along the way Nazis will be punched (stupid Nazis probably deserved it), submarines be will clung to, and staffs of Ra will be cut to the wrong size, the error discovered and finally the correct size staff of Ra fabricated! Yes, the original blockbuster finally gets the RiffTrax treatment. Raiding with Mike are Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy. To quote the soundtrack, "Da da da-da, da da-da! Da da da-da, da da DA DA DAAAH!"
S01E45 - 09/10/2007 - Spider-Man
When Peter Parker is bitten by one of Columbia University's many genetically engineered "super spiders" (now we know what they do with their 6 billion dollar endowment) instead of doing the sensible thing and dying, he transmogrifies into an arachnid, extruding fluids from his spinnerets, leaping about, swinging and twirling just like a spider. But being a spider naturally puts him on the bad side of Norman Osborn, the charismatic head of OsCorp Industries who manages to find enough time in his day to moonlight as an evil goblin (played by real life evil goblin Willem Dafoe.) He also finds it difficult to manage his relationship with the beautiful Mary Jane, because, well, he's a freakish wer-spider. His exoskeleton alone makes it literally impossible for him to come out of his shell until it's time to molt – and at that point he's too vulnerable for a relationship. It all makes for the most thrilling arthropod-on-human love and adventure tale ever told in the year 2002! Joining Mike are Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett and several harvestmen that live in the corners of the studio. (Yes, we know that harvestmen are not spiders. And, no, theirs is not the most poisonous venom in the world – that's just a myth.)
S01E46 - 16/10/2007 - Next
Next, the thrilling story of a down-on-his luck magician (Nicholas Cage) who hitches a ride to Flagstaff! Not only that, he walks down into the Grand Canyon and shows a kid a rock! And can your heart stand the excitement when he gives a car to Peter Falk!? The fact that he can see two minutes into the future is just frosting on the ride-hitching, rock-showing, car-giving cake of non-stop thrills! Jessica Biel co-stars as a woman who spends one day with Nicholas Cage and rather than doing the sensible thing and running away, moving without leaving a forwarding address, and getting an unlisted phone number, actually falls in love with him! (Note: she also appears onscreen wearing no pants. This is in no way meant to encourage you to buy the RiffTrax by appealing to your prurient interests, we merely wish for our customers to make fully informed decisions where JESSICA BIEL WEARING PANTIES AND A SKIMPY SHIRT is concerned!) Joining Mike is Bridget Nelson, a Mystery Science Theater 3000 alumni (and Mikes' wife!) That's NEXT!
S01E47 - 30/10/2007 - Missile to the Moon
The title says it all: a missile goes to the moon! Only there are people in the missile so it's not really a missile but should more precisely be referred to as a "rocket"! Still, it goes to the moon, so the title is 50 percent right, which is more than you can say for, oh, Magnolia, which is not about magnolias at all, but rather is largely comprised of Tom Cruise talking about his junk. Not only does Missile to the Moon offer a title that is half true, it also delivers a thrilling 50's era tale filled with chunk headed scientists, shapely pageant winners, and a spider that's roughly as menacing as one of the lesser Baldwin brothers. But the real star of this RiffTrax is comedy legend Fred Willard! Yes, the funniest man in America joins Mike as they take on the classic Missile to the Moon.
S01E48 - 20/11/2007 - Transformers
The toys you got free in your happy meal explode across the screen as the loosening of FCC regulations on marketing directly to children is now a major motion picture! And the now grown-up targets of that marketing once again obeyed their overlords, turning Transformers into the loudest hit of the year! Shia LaBeouf (from the German meaning "diffident steak") stars alongside Megan Fox, who certainly lives up to her name (she looks like a Megan)! Optimus Prime (which the Feds just raised by a quarter point) battles the evil Decepticons led by the eviler Megatron for control of the Allspark, which is possibly the silliest thing ever conceived by man. It's the most fun you'll have watching toys, at least until Mr. Potato Head: The Motion Picture hits the theaters (Jack Black is in talks to star). Mike, Kevin and Bill endure the lashings of Michael Bay in a must-have RiffTrax!
S01E49 - 27/11/2007 - Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
The most profitable bespectacled Potter since Henry F. and Sherman T. combined, tales of Harry's indoctrination into Satan's dark and unholy arts have delighted dozens of children the world over. And this, the first movie of the series, ably helmed by Chris Columbus (Monkeybone, Christmas with the Kranks, Jingle All the Way, Bicentennial Man, Mrs. Doubtfire, Nine Months, Gremlins 2: The New Batch) captures all the wonder, magic, and reckless child endangerment, thanks in no small part to the scene chewing of some of Britain's hammiest actors. Starring Daniel Radcliffe, years before he gave everyone a good long look at his Nimbus 2000, Emma Watson and some kid who makes Ron Howard look swarthy, Harry Potter and the Something of Something Else is the most fun you'll have giving J.K. Rowling yet more of your money this year! Mike, Kevin and Bill Dumbledore their way through a Hagrid of laughs in this, the Hogwartiest of all RiffTrax! (We have no idea what any of that means!)
S01E50 - 10/12/2007 - Star Wars Holiday Special
Have a Happy Life Day! And nothing kicks off a memorable Life Day quite so much as watching the legendary Star Wars Holiday Special receive a fully deserved Rifftrax treatment! Yes, all your favorite Wookies are here: there's Chewbacca, Malla, Itchy, Lumpy and Art Carney. Tony Award Winner and Oscar nominated Diahann Carroll as a singing holographic prostitute who services Grandpa Itchy. And Bea Arthur stretches her talent by playing a woman. Not only that, there are commercials from 1978 that will come close to convincing you that "1978" is fairly synonymous with "Hell". "But, Rifftrax," you say, "Rifftrax, please - The Star Wars Holiday Special is not commercially available. How am I supposed to watch this?!" Well, we assume you taped it off the TV back in 1978 using your 130 pound top loading Panasonic NV-9300 U-Matic VCR, just like we did. If not, what were you thinking? Stop right now and GO Out and Get Looking for onE. Because we taped ours off of the television set, and our NV-9300 doesn't have an "edit" function printed on one of its dozens of plastic piano key-style switches, we just left the commercials in there. (We're sure the International Ladies Garment Workers Union won't mind.) So ours is two hours long and has a descriptive scroll on the front end, just like the one you can Get frOm yOur friend Greg, in LakE VIDEO, Illinois. (Don't look it up, they don't like to draw attention to themselves in Lake Video.) Bill, Mike, and Kevin make this the itchiest, lumpiest Life Day of them all! Original film made in 1978.
S01E51 - 18/12/2007 - Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
The Fantastic Four are back! Or the Fantastic Four is back! Depending upon whether one is referring to the title of the film, the four individuals who are fantastic and number four, or the group of four fantastic people who use that title! The point is, they're back! And this time, unlike the first, there's a surfer made out of silver and he rises! It's fantastic! And if you're a fan of repulsive, waxy-faced Australian Prime Minister's sons as ineffectual villains, then you're in clover, because this film is packed with them (well, it has one, total). But FF:ROTSS has much more going for it. The fact that we can't think of a single thing does not in the least bit undermine our claim that it has a lot more going for it, because it does. Have a LOT more going for it. SO BUY OR RENT IT TODAY! IT'S FANTASTIC TIMES FOUR (rising of silver surfer included with every purchase).* *You might want to buy the RiffTrax that Mike, Kevin and Bill made to accompany the film because to watch it sans RiffTrax is to commit an act of monstrous, suicidal recklessness.
S01E52 - 22/01/2008 - Plan 9 From Outer Space: Three Riffer Edition
There have been many, many Plan 9s all throughout history, some of them more successful than others, all of them terrestrial - it took a man with the vision of Ed Wood to show us the very real horrors of a Plan 9 from Outer Space! Starring Dudley Manlove as an alien who looks as though he regularly dishes out generous helpings of Manlove, and a giant sack of animate suet called Tor Johnson as inspector Dan Clay, Plan 9 lays out a bold tale of aliens who come to earth and yell at us in a shrill and undignified manner. This is the new, vastly improved Plan 9 that brought down the house as a live show at the historic Castro theater in San Francisco. Mike, Kevin and Bill at long last take on the legendary Ed Wood classic in a new, soon to be classic Rifftrax.
S01E53 - 29/01/2008 - Batman and Robin
Crossroads. Battlefield Earth. A Visit to Santa. As if the RiffTrax audience hasn’t suffered enough, we put to them the extraordinarily challenge of writing us a script for what is universally considered to be the source of all evil and suffering in the world, Batman & Robin. Incredibly, they accepted. (We intentionally mumbled the words “Batman & Robin” every time we brought it up and it seems to have worked.) Yes, Chris Hanel and James Whistler of Riff Raff Theater bravely spearheaded this COMPLETELY FAN WRITTEN RIFFTRAX! Mike, Kevin and Bill merely act out the gags, jokes, Arnold impressions, and most of all, the bitter contempt, all written by you, the fans. (Assuming you are both a fan and a participant. If not please amend and/or disregard.) Hear the crew kick some serious ice in this, the first ever fan-written Rifftrax! Original film made in 1997.
S01E54 - 05/02/2008 - Jurassic Park
Every quarter century or so a project comes along that so perfectly unites artist and medium that one can only stand in wonder and proclaim, "Wow, Sandra, when was the last time something this magical came along - quarter century or so, wasn't it?" So it was with Michelangelo and marble; Paderewsky and piano; And so it is with this RiffTrax, uniting THE legendary dinosaur movie of our time and THE weirdest "Weird Al" Yankovic of our time into one harmonic convergence of RiffTastic Jurassic WeirdAlistic bliss! RiffTrax would like to say, timidly and with all humility, YOU MUST GET THIS RIFFTRAX! IT'S WEIRD AL, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! YOU CAN FIND COPIES OF JURASSIC PARK ON BUS SEATS! Mike and Weird Al join forces on the most colossally funny RiffTrax yet! *As with all RiffTrax, this was tailored to be age appropriate to the movie itself. That is, we feel confident saying that if you're old enough to enjoy Jurassic Park, you're old enough to enjoy this RiffTrax. Original film made in 1993.
S01E55 - 19/02/2008 - The Matrix Reloaded
Like a previously worn diaper, The Matrix has been Reloaded! All your favorite characters are back wearing all your favorite unlaundered fetish costumes! See Trinity leap - A LOT! See Morpheus fold his hands and talk - a lot A LOT! Thrill as the Oracle and Neo have long drawn-out conversations to the effect of, "Yea, but if you know that what you know is unknowable, how can you know that what you don't know isn't unknowable, too, you know?" And this without them having consumed half a pan of magic brownies while sitting in front of an Alf marathon! But more than anything else, Matrix Reloaded is loaded and loaded again (see diaper reference, above) with NIST Certified Assloads of Agent Smith! Hugo Weaving brings his mouthful of Busey-esque, Chicklet-y teeth to this Neo-punching, "Mr. Anderson"-saying role. Kevin, Mike and Bill re-load the RiffTrax recording studio for another go at the most Whoa-eriffic movie franchise ever!
S01E56 - 18/03/2008 - Beowulf
For years we at RiffTrax have lived under the mistaken belief that we are Beowulf. So we were shocked when a cartoon version of Ray Winstone squeezed into a tiny pair of leather battle panties (LBPs) and set us straight in no uncertain terms. And he's right - HE. IS. BEOWULF!! Though it took some getting used to the idea that we are not Beowulf, in all honesty it's been a whole lot more pleasant to come into the office and see pants where one once saw nothing but a sea of LBPs. But if you haven't yet exceeded your limit, may we suggest you download our hilarious new RiffTrax for Beowulf in which a fully clothed Mike, Kevin and Bill take on our less than clothed hero, his extremely unclothed lizardy paramour (played with big boobs gusto by Digi-lina Jolie), and a disappointingly unclothed Anthony Hopkins. IT! IS! FUNNY!!!
S01E57 - 08/04/2008 - Spider-Man 3
The biggest Spiderman movie of 2007 is now the biggest Spiderman-based Rifftrax of 2008*! All your favorite characters return (Hoffman, Mr. Ditkovich, Ursula) and new favorites join in the fun (Crane Operator, Emergency Room Doctor, Kid in Central Park)! And joining Mike is writer/newspaperman/radio guy/blogger extraordinaire/podcaster/best-selling author and uber-fan of the Spiderman series James Lileks! Just what will his reaction be when he sees what they've done to his beautiful series? Will he freak out and begin hitting Mike with a folding chair? Yes, he did, but we edited that out of this ArachnaRiffic Rifftrax and left only the funny! *Unless we do Spiderman 2.
S01E58 - 22/04/2008 - Cloverfield
"What if a monster attacked a city?" This is the shockingly novel concept behind the viral marketing triumph of the year! Filled with "fresh"* performances and "authentic"** cinematography, Cloverfield masterfully takes a page from The Blair Witch Project, reworking the "snotty 20-somethings endure trauma while repeatedly saying 'dude'" genre into something unique while still being very much the same. Look for star turns by That Girl Who Was in Mean Girls and That One Dude Who Played Eric in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Mike, Kevin and Bill's RiffTrax was found by the Department of Defense (and then thrown away, but we dug it out of a garbage can.) *Not very good. **Not good at all.
S01E59 - 29/04/2008 - I Am Legend
Let's not get into the contentious issue of exactly who is Legend. R&B singer John Legend thinks he is Legend; the Tom Cruise movie Legend think it is Legend; "I Am" thinks it's Legend; and Matthew McConaughey is as certain that he is Legend as he is that his butt looks awesome in bike shorts. (RiffTrax remains neutral, of course, but if RiffTrax was forced to comment, we'd say that Brian Bosworth is Legend.) No matter, the movie making the claim that it is Legend makes a strong case, bringing a pretty slick PowerPoint presentation featuring lots of shirtless Will Smith, a dog that can act, and plenty of slim-hipped digital zombies. Confronted with it all, Mike, Bill and Kevin slip into their own panic room and unseal a number 10 can of low-sodium whoop-ass (in heavy syrup.)
S01E60 - 23/05/2008 - The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
The epic story of tiny men doing very important things continues.* In this multi-hour installment the two very different towers come into sharp focus. You see, whereas one tower is the domain of a once great but now evil sorcerer who rules over an army of orcs and is bent on destroying man and taking possession of the One Ring, the other tower is the domain of a once great but now evil sorcerer who rules over an army of orcs and is bent on destroying man and taking possession of the One Ring, but - BUT - his name begins with an "S", and also contains the letters "a", "u", "r", "n", whereas the other tower guy's name begins with an "S", contains the letters "a", "u", "r", and "n" HAS NO "m" AND ADDS AN "o"! And the differences don't end there: one of the guy's names is seven letters whereas the other has six! Mike, Kevin, and Bill strap on the wizard's hats, snap into some fortifying lembas and head on the down the road that goes ever on and on... *"The hobbits' quest to destroy the cursed ring" not "Martin Short, Michael J. Fox and Danny DeVito's performances in 'Mars Attacks'".
S01E61 - 25/06/2008 - The Sixth Sense
M. Night Shalalalalalalalalalala-tee-da burst onto the scene with the biggest suspense thriller of 1999 (well, right behind a relatively short list of films that includes Analyze This, Wild Wild West and Varsity Blues.) Haley Joel Osment delivers the most miraculous performance ever given by a toddler (he was just 18 months old when he was nominated for the Oscar!) and Bruce "The Return of Bruno" Willis turns in yet another trademark performance as a guy who seems sort of tired and annoyed. When a guy in his underpants shoots a child psychiatrist (who, to be clear, was also wearing underpants, he just happened to have pants on over them) his life is turned upside down (the guy wearing pants over his underpants, that is, not the guy only wearing underpants.) Why does his wife seem withdrawn and narcoleptic? Why do the local children taunt him and call him "Casper"? Why does he seem tired, run down, just sort of dead? Watch along with Mike, Kevin and Bill as they unlock the most unlockablest secrets of "The Sixth Sense".* *This is the 1999 film, not the 1972 TV show starring Gary Collins. Gary Collins apologizes for the confusion.
S01E62 - 05/08/2008 - Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Harry Potter is back with the second installment in the franchise that is worth more than the Tolkien, Roddenberry and Herge estates combined! Part Two lays the groundwork for the stunning revelation that shook the series: that the guy who plays Ron absolutely, 100% cannot act. I mean, that performance? What the hell was that? Every scene he's in looks like someone from Are You Being Served forced at gunpoint to mug at a level that would make the cast of Police Academy blush. If they were to spin Ronald McDonald's friend Grimace off into a series titled The Grimace Hour it would have less grimacing per hour than Ron in Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets (approximate number of hours in movie: five.) Watch Ron pull one face after another as he teams up with Harry, Hermione, Hagrid, and Hagar the Horrible to outwit an army of spiders, battle a giant lizard, and encounter an emo-chick who lives in a toilet. And what would a Harry Potter movie be without Quidditch? Answer: Better. Mike, Kevin, Bill and their respective self-mutilating house elves are here to riff until the Secret of the titular Chamber is revealed!
S01E63 - 12/08/2008 - Memento
For most of us, the experience of waking up in a strange motel room, alone and disoriented, means that you were the victim of Chinese Organ Thieves. Inconvenient, sure, but kidneys are replaceable.* And how often does it really happen?** For Leonard Shelby, however, this scenario was just another part of his daily routine. You see, Leonard suffers from a rare form of amnesia, usually only found in protagonists in works of fiction. Unable to form any new memories, Leonard stumbles around Southern California, vowing after every meal that he will never eat a McDonald's Filet-O-Fish again. To be fair, he does have a slightly more pressing agenda than eating pre-formed patties of vague seafood: the attack that rendered him an amnesiac also resulted in the death of his wife. Through an intricate system of tattoos and notes to himself, he hopes to one day track down the killer and after making him beg for mercy, ask them who they are, why he has this gun and if they know directions to the nearest McDonalds. Also, at one point in time during the movie, a peripheral character muses that Leonard’s condition must be like living your life backwards. Despite this being a barely coherent thought muttered by a bearded motel attendant, it's evidently license enough to tell you the entire story in reverse, making this Mike, Kevin and Bill's first ever xarTffiR! *Just talk to the delivery guy from the Chinese food place down the street **Every time you order from that Chinese food place
S01E64 - 26/08/2008 - Ocean's Eleven
Take Ocean's Thirteen, pare down its cast to a trim Ocean's Twelve, then take away one more and you've got Ocean's Eleven, the swingingest, hippest, don't-they-look-like-they're-having-fun movie since Cannonball Run II! And though it was long ago mathematically proven that Mike is the least hip person who has ever lived or will ever live, he was able to up his swank quotient considerably by enlisting the talents of Las Vegas lounge singer extraordinaire, Guest Riffer Richard Cheese! Nelson's Two takes on Ocean’s Eleven and its viva lots of laughs, baby! (Ow, it physically hurt to type that.)
S01E65 - 09/09/2008 - Pirates of the Carribean: Curse of the Black Pearl
The most adorable pirates you've ever seen take to the high seas to do battle with an army of walking skeletons to see who is thinner. With a team consisting of Keira Knightley, Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom they can't possibly lose! Geoffrey Rush gives it his all -- that is he does his best impression of the pirate mascot standing outside the Long John Silver's at a strip mall in Oakbrook, Illinois, and respected actor Jonathan Pryce as the girlish British governor risks being stripped of the descriptive "respected". Mike, Kevin and Bill strap on the cutlasses and swing away!
S01E66 - 14/10/2008 - Iron Man
In the tradition of I, Robot comes I, Ronman, the story of a shy college student who is bitten by a radioactive guy named Ron. Our hero's DNA is transformed, his body taking on the attributes of Ron until - hang on. Apparently we got that wrong and there's nothing remotely that cool going on here. It's Iron Man and from what we're told it's just a guy in a metal suit. Kind of looks like a Transformer. Fights another guy who looks like a Transformer. And you get to see Gwyneth Paltrow's back. And it's directed by the guy who did Zathura. Not only that, it made a gajillion dollars, no doubt because people got confused and thought they were seeing I, Ronman. But Mike, Kevin and Bill put aside their collective disappointment over it not being I, Ronman and give it the most iron fortified RiffTrax yet!
S01E67 - 21/10/2008 - The Happening
The Happening is a departure for director M. Night Shyamalan: he abandons his trademark conceit of the twist ending to tell a straight-forward tale of horror. It's like going to a Gallagher show where he refuses to smash watermelons with a giant mallet. The only difference is that Gallagher's comedy is grim and depressing and The Happening is hilarious. Yes, the plants of the Northeastern United States are fed up with how we've been treating them and decide to simultaneously release a toxin that causes humanity to commit suicide in various comical ways. Evidently this is something that is entirely scientifically valid, because a hot-dog obsessed lunatic says so at one point in time during the movie. Mark Wahlberg baffles as a Lemon Drink-eyeing science teacher and the part of Zooey Deschanel is ably played by a Tarsier. Mike, Kevin and Bill lend intentionally funny riffs to this masterpiece of unintentional comedy. (Unless there's some sort of real-life Happening, in which case they pre-emptively announce their allegiance to the plants.)
S01E68 - 28/10/2008 - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
The most beloved franchise in film history returns to the screen and quickly becomes one generally well-liked franchise among many in film history! Yes, Indy is back, and this time he has a skull. And he has Shia "Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd" LaBeouf's infectious logorrhea! And as promised, the filmmakers gave in to the forceful and ceaseless cries of "GIVE US MORE RAY WINSTONE!"* Mike, Bill and Kevin took their own skulls into the studio to create a RiffTrax for the ages! *Experts concede that demand for Ray Winstone may have been overstated. In fact, the cries have been traced back to one guy, Bill Tillerstot of Port Washington, Wisconsin, and his actual quote was "Give us NO Ray Winstone."
S01E69 - 12/11/2008 - X-2: X-Men United
All your favorite X-people return as Magneto, Cerebro, Pyro, Columbo, Tonto, Pinocchio, and Jell-O do battle to determine who can look more ludicrous. Everyone wins! And because these are officially the silliest roles ever created we are lucky to have British and Australian actors stepping in to do the jobs Americans won't do. Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen sink their teeth into their performances as though they were big helpings of spotted dick, and Huge Ackman scowls constantly like some sort of small angry mammal. As far as plot, this is essentially Angels in America with silly hats. Mike, Kevin and Bill form their own justice league to give this movie what for!
S01E70 - 05/12/2008 - The Incredible Hulk: The Final Round
The story of the Hulk is a complex one but we can know a few things for sure: Hulk smash and... well, that's about it. The Ed Norton version doesn't add much new information (Hulk smash, we already knew that), nor did Ang Lee's (Hulk bore.) In order to get the full picture we must revisit the beloved late 70's TV version, specifically the episode "The Final Round" (Season 1, Disc 2, Episode 3 for those Netflixing), in which we learn that Hulk befriend untalented boxer who literally dumber than half-full bag of hammers. Oh, and, Hulk smash in slow motion. Mike, Kevin and Bill riff!
S01E71 - 09/12/2008 - The Dark Knight
If you can spare a minute, think back on the greatest work of cinema that you have ever seen. Did you think about The Dark Knight? No? Then you are a moron. Because while you were out doing whatever it is morons do...demolition derbies or...croquet, (we wouldn't know, we loved The Dark Knight), The Dark Knight pimp-slapped Andy Dufresne, spat in the Godfather's face and gave Charles Foster Kane a big ol' wedgie on its way to becoming the greatest movie of all time. All this in spite of the bat suit causing our hero to grumble like the offspring of Tom Waits and Cookie Monster. There is nothing at all silly about that. We here at RiffTrax regret even having to point out that he sounds like your Great Aunt Vivian sending you out for her third pack of Pall Malls of the day. Because The Dark Knight is not just a superhero movie. It's a gritty crime drama about political corruption and the choices men make that just happens to involve a superhero. A superhero millionaire that dresses as a bat whose voice sounds like your cat heaving up a hairball into your slippers who battles a guy with half a face named Two-Face. Despite all this, Mike, Kevin and Bill are ready to take on...(reverent pause)...The Greatest Movie of All Time.* * Source: The Internet
S01E72 - 16/12/2008 - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Summer is over—time to get back to evil school with Harry, Hermione, Ron, Sirius Black, Mrs. McGonagall, Filch, Splat, Wang, Timothy Q. Diaperhat, Professor Waddle Von Funkenskull, The Right Reverend Boo Smoothandle, Dr. and Mrs. Walrus V. Chowderboot and all the rest! This time around (the 6th, if we're not mistaken) Harry must battle an ancient curse and the desire to play Quidditch for three quarters of the film. Ron, in the meantime, discovers that his face is capable of hideous contortions as yet unexplored, Dumbledore awakes to find that he's gained a good deal of weight, and respected actress Emma Thompson sets out to prove that the respect is wholly misplaced. Thankfully, this movie has been certified 100 percent Dobby-free! Mike, Kevin and Bill wave their wands at the screen—and the result is magiclarious!* *We think that means magic and hilarious, but our research team is still working on it.
S01E73 - 30/12/2008 - Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away (Marin County, to be exact) George Lucas sparked up his favorite bong, kicked back in a bean bag chair and several gurgles later came up with the idea that would become the greatest movie of all time.* The story should be familiar to everyone: a moisture farmer leaves his beloved moisture farm (after a terrible moisture stampede), flies to the planet of Mos Def and eventually rescues a princess from the clutches of the evil Moff and destroys the horribly named Death Star. Who knew that the humble moisture farmer's name would soon be on the lips of kids the world over: yes, Biggs Darklighter, hero of the rebellion. (Or was it Jek Porkins—we forget?)
S01E74 - 20/01/2009 - Reefer Madness: Three Riffer Edition
Now that marijuana (aka "reefer", "bud", "stick", "whoopie doopie", "happy grass", "tingle weed", "Abe Lincoln", "the halt", "muffin", "chew", "altoid", "the Fonz", "little Ricky", "sleestack", "chumba wumba", "red dynamite", "the oaf", "fat man", "little boy", "Richard Milhouse Nixon", "Area 51") has been eliminated as a scourge, it's interesting to go back and look at the film that was almost singlehandedly responsible for its demise. Yes, Reefer Madness let the world know that even a single dose of marijuana (aka "whip scorpion", "Batman", "Holyfield vs. Lewis", "the Kremlin", "babelfish", "Mason Reese", "chowhound", "slab bacon") caused insane laughter, enhanced skill at ragtime piano, the inability to avoid hitting old men with your car, and defenestration. Mike, Kevin and Bill light up...THE STUDIO to take on Reefer Madness. Original film made in 1936.
S01E75 - 28/01/2009 - Little Shop of Horrors: Three Riffer Edition
Fans of shops of horrors will love this nostalgic look back, before the days of the massive chain stores, and big box horror shops. In the old days, horror shopkeepers gave you the personal touch; they knew your name, asked about your kids, were always ready with a smile... before killing you, chopping you up and feeding you to their monstrous plant. Little Shop features a powerhouse performance -- as the diminutive nerd Seymour Krelboin -- by diminutive nerd Jonathan Haze, and as always, the sumptuous cinematography, lavish production values and white knuckle pacing that are the hallmark of director Roger Corman. Kevin, Mike, and Bill invite you to come inside their little shop of RiffTrax and have a look around. Original film made in 1960.
S01E76 - 04/02/2009 - House on Haunted Hill: Three Riffer Edition
Long before lunatic millionaires Michael Jackson, Richard Branson or Rick Rockwell, there was Frederic Loren (Vincent Price), an eccentric, unhappily married fop who offers a huge cash prize to anyone who can stay overnight in the house on Haunted Hill (the house, by sheer coincidence having nothing whatsoever to do with its location on a haunted hill, is haunted). The guests have to contend with hauntings, a sparsely stocked bar, and a huge cistern filled to brimming with flesh dissolving acid (the previous owner evidently tired of hauling his excess flesh to commercial flesh dissolving operations.) The film's many twists and turns will keep you guessing! (How many twists and turns? Well, say, two twists and maybe one turn, if you want to be generous about it.) Mike, Bill and Kevin take up his offer, pack their Star Wars sleeping bags and spend a wild night in the House on Haunted Hill.
S01E77 - 10/02/2009 - Night of the Living Dead: Three Riffer Edition
Imagine being holed up in a filthy dilapidated building, surrounded by pale-faced hollow-eyed creatures, unable to call for help, while before your eyes zombie-like beings commit the most unspeakable acts. Yes, a night of performance art at your local coffee house is something to be endured. But then so is a Night of the Living Dead! Shocking at the time for its graphic portrayal of the titular living dead feasting on pieces of the dead dead without even a hint of table manners or personal hygiene, what is most startling to modern sensibilities is the performance of the guy in the white pants who looks like Joaquin Phoenix. He manages to actually be worse than Joaquin Phoenix! And if you're a fan of inexplicably hostile, growling men then you have hit the jackpot (you may even throw away your laserdisc collection of the films of Robert Loggia!). Mike, Kevin and Bill spend the better of a night with the Night of the Living Dead.
S01E78 - 17/02/2009 - Missile to the Moon: Three Riffer Edition
More than a decade before Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and The Other Guy actually landed on the moon, Missile to the Moon made giant leaps for both man AND mankind with its daring portrayal of how the first lunar voyage might play out. It turned out to have gotten a lot of the details right. Except that instead of a meticulously planned journey that took NASA countless man hours to achieve, the impromptu trip of Missile to the Moon takes place on a crazy old man's whim, and four of the five participants wander aboard the ship by accident. Also, where Missile to the Moon portrayed the moon as a dynamic backdrop for intrigue, love, betrayal, and deception, when our guys got to the moon, they sort of just looked around for a while, hit a golf ball or two, then got the hell back to Earth to try and catch Carson. And the real moon also turned out not to be crawling with beauty queens, giant spiders and hideous rock men. Just dust. As you can see, the real moon was kind of a bummer. So instead of going there, why not just stock up on the Tang and Astronaut Ice Cream and hop aboard your very own Missile to the Moon with Mike, Kevin and Bill?
S01E79 - 24/02/2009 - Jaws
Just speak the word "jaws" to anyone and their pulse quickens, the hair on the back of their neck stands up as a dim memory rises to the surface of their consciousness - a memory of the first time they saw Murray Hamilton. Most likely it was in an episode of B.J. and the Bear, or perhaps The F.B.I with Efrem Zimbalist, Jr., but if not that, then his turn as the sartorially resplendent, gravelly voiced mayor of Amity in Jaws, the movie that made a generation of people afraid to go into the water (they were justifiably terrified of getting a skin disease from coming in contact with Quint's run-off.) Yes, long before blockbusters like Spider-Man 2, Shrek the Third, or Garden State there was Jaws, the story of small town mayor Larry Vaughn (played by the magnificent Murray Hamilton) and his quest to find the perfect jacket to wear while resisting the whining of Richard Dreyfuss. There is also a shark. Mike, Bill and Kevin cruise the movie like a large squalus grabbing it with their powerful—oh, what's the word for it...mandibles - then, a little shakin', a little tenderizin', and down it goes.
S01E80 - 03/03/2009 - Carnival of Souls: Three Riffer Edition
Most carnival going experiences follow roughly the same pattern: some trouble-maker suggests it and, due to alcohol use or lack of personal will power, you ignore the alarm claxon blaring in your head and hop in the car. Six hours later you stumble through the exit smelling of sweat, rancid corn dog oil, cigarette smoke and vomit, roach clips in your hair, breathing in the mercury-laden fumes of a huge Chinese-made stuffed giraffe and praying for your own death. The Carnival of Souls is a lot like that, only with the addition of organ music! Yes, this is Herk "Shake Hands with Danger" Harvey's timeless classic about a mouth breathing church organist who drives to Utah in order to have coffee with a greasy warehouse worker. Mike, Bill and Kevin load into the car, their pockets jingling with fresh souls and spend a few hours at the carnival!
S01E81 - 10/03/2009 - Swing Parade: Three Riffer Edition
As the old song goes, "I love a parade." However, this was undoubtedly spoken by someone under torture or extreme mental duress. Parades for most people evoke memories of the many raised welts, received at the hands of the crazed, hard candy-throwing Shriners tooling around on their infernally loud 2-cycle-powered magic carpets (man, they were sadistic!) These were almost always accompanied by Sousa, performed badly by teenagers in large fur hats (good Sousa is trying enough). And then there's the clowns. For the love of all that is good and holy, the clowns! A mind-splitting terror beyond anything cooked up by the foulest demons of Gehenna, clowns!! Luckily, there are no clowns in Swing Parade—there are Stooges! With clowns, all is darkness and torment. With Stooges, all is goodness, bliss, and the occasional scratched cornea. And man, does this parade swing! Mike, Kevin and Bill really bring the riffs, daddy! Original film made in 1946.
S01E82 - 14/04/2009 - Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Your favorite sand-phobic, midichlorian-rich super villain is back! And this time his capes are even more fabulous, his thigh-high Uggs resplendent like never before, and his burnt chicken head cloaked in the shiniest plastic helmet yet! And if that wasn't enough, Mike, Kevin and Bill are pleased to be joined by Darth Vader's bellicose but lovable brother Chad! Yes, the movie that gave us one of cinema's most startling revelations, and perhaps the most memorable silver screen quote ever ("I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me") gets the RiffTrax treatment. Lots of laughs. Lots of Chad Vader. And no pod racing.
S01E83 - 21/04/2009 - Twilight
RiffTrax was caught up in the Twilight frenzy, and not surprisingly, given that we are staffed almost exclusively by 13 year-old girls. So when we heard rumors of the feature film—the whispers of John Goodman being cast as Edward were especially worrying—we sent so many texts beginning "OMG!!!1!!!!11!!" we nearly shut down our SMS service. At the movie's premiere we were there among the throngs, shrieking with girlish glee when Robert Pattinson got out of his limo (it turns out we had mistakenly gone to the premiere of The Changeling and were actually shrieking for John Malkovich, but the point still stands.) And when it was finally released on DVD we ruined our first three copies by hugging them too much. But we've overcome these obstacles to give you the best RiffTrax for a sparkly-emo-vampire film that we know how to make, and we say with as much humility as we can muster, that's a pretty darn good sparkly-emo-vampire RiffTrax! Turn off that Ashley Tisdale download, tell the clerk at Hot Topic you'll buy that hoodie later, and cozy up with Mike, Kevin and Bill for the mopiest RiffTrax ever!
S01E84 - 20/05/2009 - Planet of Dinosaurs
When a spaceship full of hairy people crashes on an unknown planet, it's not enough that the surviving members look a lot like the Starland Vocal Band (it is a help, of course, but not sufficient for their survival). They must forge off on a non-stop mission of wandering around doing nothing in particular, not saying anything particularly noteworthy, and not looking particularly attractive or interesting. However, they do provide a tasty and nutritious snack for some pretty sweet looking stop-motion dinosaurs! Their routine deaths become a challenge to their intrepid captain, who prefers to rule by whining, equivocation and frequent "rest periods." This leaves him vulnerable to a coup by the crew's most hirsute member, Jim, who presses the enormous advantage provided him by what looks like a beard made out of 2-dollar-a-yard fun fur. Kevin, Bill and Mike sharpen some sticks, put on their least smelly animal furs and prepare to poke at the Planet of Dinosaurs. Original film made in 1977.
S01E85 - 02/06/2009 - Casablanca
One of the things we like to do here at RiffTrax (during those rare moments when we're not absorbed by our frequent, mandatory company-wide Schnappi sing-alongs) is to challenge ourselves. Sure, it's easy enough to make hay out of a bear-suited Nicholas Cage, but what really tests one's mettle is to see how he reacts when he's staring down the business end of THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE. Yes, our respect and admiration for Casablanca is unbounded, but if our motto—We Don't Make Movies, We Make Them Funny—is to have any meaning at all then it must be tested by fire. So we offer you this, our first in a series of RiffTrax Challenges, where we step outside our comfort zone (our comfort zone, by the way, is a large rumpus room here at RiffTrax Towers, with lots of bean bag chairs, thick shag carpet and a huge supply of Cheddar 'n' Bacon Easy Cheese) for our equivalent of a corporate "team-building" exercise. (We tried the more traditional rafting expedition but lost half our staff. We think it was at a Mobil Station in Bakersfield, CA.) Will Mike, Kevin and Bill triumph? Merely survive? Suffer a huge smackdown by an angry, gargantuan Sidney Greenstreet? Join us for our first ever RiffTrax Challenge to find out!
S01E86 - 10/06/2009 - Voodoo Man
You asked for more voodoo—and we deliver, with a RiffTrax exclusive*, Voodoo Man. Young women are vanishing somewhere on the road that leads to the creepy old house of a deranged bachelor (Bela Lugosi) and his two lonely assistants. Remarkably, no one thinks to question the deranged bachelor and his two lonely assistants, so the disappearances just keep stacking up. Until one day when the blandest man alive ("Ralph", appropriately enough) uses his remarkable ability to run out of gas at just the right time and discovers their plot. The highlight for most people will be the most shameful performance of John Carradine's career as a thin, mincing idiot, and the most shameful performance of George Zucco's career (they must have had a bet going) as a voodoo priest/gas station clerk. Mike, Kevin and Bill return to the loving (and needle tracked) arms of Bela Lugosi as Voodoo Man. Original film made in 1944.
S01E87 - 18/06/2009 - The Room
The typical reaction to an encounter with The Room looks something like this: puzzlement, revulsion, laughter, amazement, hunger, affection, deep depression, inability to digest milk proteins, and ultimately, an unbreakable addiction. Yes, this is the film you've probably only heard rumors about, a truly jaw-droppingly weird melodrama written, starring, produced, financed, endlessly promoted by (most famously by a high profile billboard in Los Angeles for five years), and featuring the hideous naked backside of Tommy Wiseau, the world's shaggiest and most mysterious auteur. The Room's plot seems mundane: a banker looks forward to his marriage unaware that his fiancé is cheating on him with his best friend. But beneath this quotidian veneer lurk peculiar treasures that almost literally defy description. Quite simply, you must see this. Though this film is hard to come by your efforts to secure it will be richly rewarded. Mike, Kevin and Bill are honored to be able to join you for your first viewing of The Room.
S01E88 - 02/07/2009 - Red Dawn
The year was 1984. While the fascistic regime foretold by Orwell had not yet come to power the nation had been brought to its knees, the victim of repeated playings of Karma Chameleon and Sister Christian. The country needed something to believe in, something besides aerobics or Emmanuel Lewis' winning the People's Choice Award. And so they came, a ragtag group of heroes in a beat-up pickup, complete with a beat-up gun rack: Jed, Aardvark, Daryl, Arturo and their brave, though prone-to-sniveling compatriot Robert (played by the prone-to-sniveling C. Thomas Howell.) The dawn may have been a red one, but they would make sure that when the sun set, it would be red... white and blue! Joining Mike for this very special RiffTrax is Joel McHale, the Daryl to Mike's Arturo, or perhaps the Jed to his Aardvark, or maybe the Aardvark to his Daryl. The point is, it is the perfect partnership with which to assail the enemies of freedom, i.e., the makers of Red Dawn!
S01E89 - 06/08/2009 - Fast and Furious
Did you like the 2001 sleeper hit The Fast and The Furious, but are you really not a fan of definite articles? Then 2009's Fast & Furious is the movie for you! After the twin triumphs of The Pacifier and Babylon A.D., Vin Diesel has finally reunited with his co-star from The Fast and The Furious: a several-sizes-too-small wife-beater! Also returning is the other guy from The Fast and The Furious (legal name: The Other Guy From The Fast and The Furious), shocking those of us who were pretty confident that he was the guy that had helped us try on shoes the other day at Famous Footwear. When his girlfriend is murdered, Vin Diesel is forced to return to the US where he is wanted for...well that isn't really made clear. But before he even has a chance to mumble something unintelligible in a really deep voice under his breath, he finds himself in the race of his life! Seriously, the races often feel like they have lasted for the duration of a human lifetime. But at least in between the interminable driving scenes we're treated to a rich, nuanced film tapestry, featuring the very finest in Stock Characters spouting refined Screenplay Clichés. If your idea of a good time is watching the Angry Chief say "Talk to me", you're in for quite a thrill ride (just make sure to "lock and load.") Mike, Kevin and Bill hopped into the sidecar for Fast & Furious, but were concerned by the lack of seatbelts for all three of them so they instead observed it from a reasonable distance.
S01E90 - 29/09/2009 - The Matrix: Revolutions
If you're like most of us, you stormed out of your midnight viewing of The Matrix Reloaded saying to yourself, "Man, was that terrible! When I come back in six months to see The Matrix Revolutions, they had better balance out those ponderous scenes of two characters quietly discussing the minutiae of the plot with a lot more tedious action sequences where I can't tell what is going on. And instead of involving Neo, Morpheus and Trinity, you know, the characters we care about, it should mainly focus on people we've never seen before. Like a whiny kid and a butch chick with a crew cut. Give them prominent roles! Now hurry up and refill my Dew, I already bought tickets to see this again at 2:35 AM!" If your conversation mirrored ours in any way, then you're in luck: The Matrix Revolutions delivers on all bullet points! Abandoning all the pseudo-philosophical mumbo-jumbo that for a brief window had desperate college professors teaching lectures on the original movie, Revolutions instead dials the THX up to 11 and hopes you don't notice because your eardrums are too busy rupturing. Your enjoyment also depends heavily on understanding the plot of Reloaded, which was mathematically proven to be impossible in a Harvard study. And to top it off, there's a healthy dose of old-fashioned, ham-fisted blasphemy thrown in for good measure. Mike, Kevin and Bill jack in to deliver The Matrix series a hearty goodbye "whoa."
S01E91 - 05/10/2009 - Dragon Wars: D-War
When we heard that Korean studio Younggu-Art Movies was making a picture called Dragon Wars, we were both excited and disgusted at the same time. Excited because we have had many conversations about which Korean movie studio would direct our "dream" dragon movie, and the name Younggu-Art Movies just kept coming up. But we were also disgusted, because the movie title failed to provide its own abbreviation as part of the title. This is a major gripe that we have with just about every single movie that has ever come out: Abbreviations of a movie's title should always be included as part of the title. In today's busy web 2.0 world, who has time to refer to anything by its whole name? However, we run into trouble when movies don't specify how we should abbreviate their titles, and competing, non-standard abbreviations are adopted. Fortunately, our disgust was misguided, as Dragon Wars bucks the trend and includes its own abbreviation in the title: D-War. A true abbreviation, where Dragon becomes D and Wars becomes War, Dragon Wars: D-War provides the consumer with something so sorely missing from movie titles today: Choice. So whether you choose to experience the fantastical creatures and hi-octane action sequences of Dragon Wars, or prefer the ancient story of a love that knows no bounds of D-War, you must know one thing: this D-movie D-bites D-hard. Mike, Kevin and Bill decided to D-riff Dragon Wars: D-War, because a fan in attendance at our 2009 Comic-Con panel suggested it. The moral of the story? Don't do that. Original film made in 2007.
S01E92 - 22/10/2009 - Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
At its heart, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a love story. A love story between two dogs, Mojo and Frankie, who are shown humping several times in the first fifteen minutes of the movie*. Stunningly, this remains a highlight over the next two hours of movie. We don't see much of the dogs after their owner, Shia LaBeouf, leaves for college, but we found our thoughts frequently drifting back to them as the human characters dropped their pants, ran into things, and stammered incoherently. Who was feeding the dogs? Were they getting along with the other dogs at the dog park? How was Frankie adapting to the new diet the vet had put him on back in June? Sadly, these questions go unanswered. In fact, any question you may have regarding Transformers will go unanswered, because Transformers movies are not in the business of answering your questions. Transformers movies are like the street corner rantings of a tinfoil hat wearing lunatic. You don't expect that guy to actually stop and explain to you what he meant by "The IRS built Yellowstone National Park on the same evening 180 years ago that the Lizard People shot down Sputnik with a rifle made from Avogadro's Number!" You just slink past him and try to wash the spittle off of your jacket when you get home. The same applies for Transformers. Don't you dare ask it "How did these characters whose names I don't know get to this location and what is their purpose once they get there and who is punching who right now?" Just lie back and think of the dogs. Focus on the dogs...Always on the dogs... The tinfoil hat guy gave Mike, Kevin and Bill's riffing of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen two thumbs up, a rating he had previously only given to a shopping cart wheel that he believed influenced the 2004 presidential election. *This is not a joke
S01E93 - 29/10/2009 - Titanic
On the cold, starry night of April 14, 1912, in the iceberg-infested waters of the frigid North Atlantic, a shocking and utterly disturbing event occurred. We’re referring, of course, to the sullying of a beautiful 1912 Renault limousine by Jack Dawson and Rose Bukater. Yes, the film Titanic is less about the epic tragedy of the same name, and more about one of the most unlikely, unbelievable, and shortest on-screen romances of all time. She’s a gal from the upper echelons of society. He’s a guy from steerage. The ship’s crew would never let him roam the upper-class decks to meet her, let alone caress her lovingly at the front of the ship. And yet it happens, and we are the worse for it… The original 5 hour version screened in test markets was a resounding failure. In that cut, Rose makes some room on the floating door, and Jack survives to marry her. Then we are treated to an over-hour-long epilogue in which they live together for many years in squalor and complete poverty, Jack scribbling cartoons for low-end skin magazines while wearing a grease-stained wife-beater, and Rose yelling at Jack that he should get a real job, lamenting the loss of her fortunes, and thinking she would have been better off at the bottom of the Atlantic after all. Mike, Kevin and Bill hop aboard to bring you their most Titanic riff yet! Oh, and may we add: Rose, Rose! Jack, Jack! Rose, this way! Jack, this way! Jack! Jack! Rose! Rose! Jack!!!
S01E94 - 19/11/2009 - Star Trek
Like the odometer on your 1984 Plymouth Reliant rolling back over to zero, the Star Trek series gets a reset! The previous thirty-eight films had barely begun to scratch the surface of these fascinating characters, and so Star Trek is back to answer all your burning questions: What’s Scotty’s favorite brand of bacon? Why does no one seize the moment and slap the hell out of Chekov? Why does Uhura jam that huge piece of machined steel into her ear? Was Spock’s mom younger than him, and which uncle taught him that nerve pinchy thing? A tour de force of shameless retconning, Star Trek nevertheless introduces a bold new sci-fi innovation: time travel! And black holes! And characters meeting themselves! And ice planets! And evil nemeses who vow revenge! And ship flybys! These are by themselves very compelling reasons to watch, but Star Trek gives you an even more compelling one—to learn Uhura’s first name. Sure, you never knew she didn’t have a first name, it was never an issue for you, and you haven’t even given it one millisecond’s thought, but at last you get to find out! (It’s Nyota, by the way.) Mike, Kevin and Bill self-consciously tug down their red Federation uniform tops and go boldly into Star Trek! Original film made in 2009.
S01E95 - 25/11/2009 - Maniac
Unless you regularly do mushrooms and go to Lady Gaga concerts with your good friend Crispin Glover, then watching Maniac is guaranteed to be the weirdest experience you have ever had. (Not since The Room has a film had such a deep impact on the staff of RiffTrax, so much so that the images in Maniac temporarily dislodged from our minds the mercurial Tommy Wiseau, the stark horror of Chris-R., even the enchanting beauty of Lisa!) Maniac starts conventionally enough, when a Vaudeville-impersonator-turned-lab-assistant-to-a-mad-scientist refuses his bosses reasonable request that he shoot himself in the heart and offer his corpse as an experimental subject. After that, it starts to get strange. A disturbed patient who thinks he is the orangutan from Poe's The Murders in the Rue Morgue is mistakenly given super-adrenaline (which evidently exists) causing him to give one of the most eccentric performances in the history of film. Meanwhile, the mad scientist's next door neighbor is disturbed because one his cats is missing from his cat ranch, where he harvests their fur after feeding their flesh to the rats (which he feeds to the next generation of cats, and so on.) After that, the offbeat aspects of Maniac really kick in. We caution you that Maniac is not for the faint of heart. There is brief, partial, creepy, music-free, 1930's nudity (mercifully, the emphasis is on "brief"), plenty of cat-on-cat violence, and a scene in which our hero pops out the eyeball of his own lab cat and snacks on it. That said, it's probably tamer than any given episode of Top Chef and you would really be depriving yourself of something special if you let that keep you from this very, very unique and hilarious journey, with Mike, Bill and Kevin as your guides, into the heart of RiffTrax madness known as Maniac.
S01E96 - 01/12/2009 - Drag Me to Hell
Tired of horror clichés like empty parking garages, gypsy curses, and séances gone wrong? Drag Me To Hell sure isn’t! Wide-eyed ingénue Alison Lohman (featured in…some other films, presumably) navigates the heady politics of a small bank branch while voluntarily maintaining a relationship with Justin Long (Mac Guy , “funny person”). Yes, with a life like that, a refreshing trip to Hell is just what the doctor ordered! Fortunately, condemnation is easy as pie—an oozing, eyeball-filled pie that director Sam Raimi will throw in your face! Because stuff like that is hilarious. Or maybe scary? Or probably neither. But back to the Hell-dragging: it turns out gypsies are not the most reasonable people, and will sentence you to eternal suffering for any minor infraction. Refuse to extend my credit? Drag you to Hell! Cut me off on the freeway? Hope you like dry heat! Politely suggest that Evening Shade** wasn’t the greatest television show ever produced? Let me introduce you to your new roommate, Adolf “always leaves the seat up” Hitler! Join Mike and Bill on this sentimental excursion down Hell Lane (Kevin dodged the bullet on this one thanks to an unassailable “no Justin Long” clause in his contract—well played, sir). Just watch out for falling anvils and, really, just copious amounts of eyeball splatter. ** All of our research suggests that Evening Shade is universally beloved in gypsy circles. This will never be confirmed nor denied, as gypsies don’t use the internet.
S01E97 - 22/01/2010 - Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Return of the Jedi. For sixteen years, it was widely regarded as the worst chapter in the Star Wars saga. We now look back upon this period of time, appalled and embarrassed at how naive we were. For while Return of the Jedi may be slow to get started, while it may delay the final confrontation between Luke and Vader in favor of an endless Ewok/Stormtrooper battle, while it may feature C3PO as its main character for the first twenty minutes and while it may have killed off Salacious Crumb instead of making him the focus of the entire movie, consider this: nobody utters the line "Yippee". Return of the Jedi begins where The Empire Strikes Back left off: with George Lucas deciding which scenes to ruin by inserting a musical number by a hideous creature named Sy Snootles, who sounds like Disembaudio did before he took singing lessons. The dance scene is vital to the plot: how were we, the audience members supposed to know whether or not Jedi rocked, unless there was a song included in the movie named "Jedi Rocks"? Yes, the song is sung in a foreign tongue and the only way you'd know it was called "Jedi Rocks" was if you bought the soundtrack, but ignoring those irrelevant points, we can finally conclude after watching six episodes of Star Wars, a task that would take up well over half of one day of your life, that Jedi do in fact, Rock. Fans of puppets, Hutts and metal bikinis: your ship has come in. Cancel your weekend trip to the Great Pit of Carkoon, boil up a big bowl of Tatooine paddy frogs and call up your buddy Nien Numb to come sit next to you even though you don't speak the same language: we're finally riffing Return of the Jedi. As this is the final chapter in the Star Wars saga for RiffTrax to tackle, Mike, Kevin and Bill would like to take the time to reminisce about their favorite moments in the series. Here they are in order: The time Jar Jar became a senator and the time Stinky the Hutt was kidnapped
S01E98 - 04/02/2010 - Terminator Salvation
Terminator Salvation is the thrilling story of the journey of a once valuable franchise. When the intellectual property rights lapse after a disappointing third movie, they're snatched up at well below their estimated market value by a wacky mismatched duo of producers. The petulant star they bring on board demands to play a role that wasn't actually in the script, massive rewrites ensue, and the novice director is forced to fall back on the skills he honed directing Sugar Ray music videos. Will the franchise rise to the occasion, renewing our enthusiasm for its once beloved characters? Or will the resulting film be a cynical, calculated exercise in maximizing profitability with little regard for story or coherency? Terminator Salvation firmly casts its lot with the latter. Christian Bale, apparently unaware that The Dark Knight had wrapped shooting, alternates between his raspiest "Harrison Ford in Firewall" whisper and barking like a mandrill/harbor seal hybrid. Fortunately, the movie turns out to not really be about him. It's actually about the guy from Avatar, the guy who played the new Chekov and a mute eight year old girl. Thrill as the resistance discovers the secret weapon that could save mankind: a specific radio frequency! Bonus points if you can identify which scene Christian Bale was taking so seriously that he unleashed the most humiliating caught-on-camera rant since Hall of Famer George Brett discussed soiling his pants. Google it. As a result of having to endure repeated viewings of Terminator Salvation, Mike, Kevin and Bill are all done professionally with each other.
S01E99 - 11/02/2010 - Paranormal Activity
Paranormal Activity succeeds by putting the viewer in the most deviously terrifying position ever imagined by a filmmaker: captive audience to an idiot's home movie. It recreates the experience of being stuck in a room with Micah (pronounced MEEK-uh, or DOOSH-bag), the kind of guy you immediately want to start punching and never stop punching until the punching is done. The kind of guy who spends his free time at the mall, conspicuously checking out 16-year olds while chatting loudly on his Bluetooth headset about hair gels. In short, Micah is a super sweet dude. In a hard-to-swallow supernatural twist, Micah has somehow acquired a live-in girlfriend, Katie. In any other film she would stand out as a shrill, unlikeable person, but in the twisted world ofParanormal Activity she is borderline tolerable. Katie carries some baggage, namely some sort of ghost, or demon, or...well it's not really clear. Whatever it is, it's up to no good, pulling off masterful scares such as moving keys off the counter, and gradually shifting a door while Micah and Katie sleep. By the way, get used to watching Micah and Katie sleep, because that's pretty much the whole movie. Oh, and one time they go outside and Katie sits in a chair. Strap in for terror, or at least a steady, crushing, existential dread, as Mike, Kevin, and Bill go up against the film equivalent of sitting next to a talkative moron on a 6-hour flight: Paranormal Activity.
S01E100 - 19/03/2010 - Twilight: New Moon
Twi-Hard. A once proud word that has been shockingly cheapened by over-use. It used to mean something. These days, any given twelve year old girl with Team Edward wallpaper on her iPhone can be the star of a "Vampire Fever" cover story photo in USA Today. It's not right. Just because some soccer mom blows two months of grocery funds on an elaborate face tattoo replicating the iconic "Cullen baseball" scene, that DOES NOT make her a real Twi-Hard, okay? It's something you earn. It's something you live. Forgive our emotion on this issue, but it's just that Mike, Kevin, and Bill are probably the biggest Twilight fans on the planet. Just survey Kristen Stewart's file of restraining order requests, and see which names pop up the most (Stephenie Meyer's file is alarmingly similar). So it should surprise no one that these three sparkly warriors trekked to the theater dozens upon dozens of times to feast upon the sweet succulent cinematic nectar that is New Moon. After the fourteenth viewing, the girl at the ticket counter was unable to make eye contact with them, muttering something about "grown men" under her breath. The pimply popcorn vendor filled his friends' inboxes with texts like "OMG third time today," while the theater janitor constantly fought the urge to beat them with his mop. In a word: epic. But the shame they endured, along with the suffering of their long-neglected wives and children, is your gain. Thanks to these endless, obsessive, life-destroying viewings, Mike, Kevin, and Bill are able to present this RiffTrax of New Moon on the eve of its DVD release. Let's just hope that, now that the ride is over, they can put their lives back together once and for all (they're not making any more of these movies, right?).
S01E101 - 22/04/2010 - Avatar
By now, everyone knows the story of how Avatar single-handedly changed moviemaking forever. Its visionary director (whose name escapes us, you know the one, he's that guy who didn't win an Oscar this year) proved that progressive films can succeed in today's marketplace. As long as progressive means "completely unoriginal and devoid of depth" and the high praise heaped upon the work is entirely based upon it being nice to look at. In this sense, Megan Fox is a progressive actress, and The Hills was the most important television show of the last 10 years. It is truly a bold, experimental piece of work, keeping in mind that crystal meth and fat substitute Olestra (which brought the phrase "anal leakage" into our lexicon) were also the results of experimentation. For those of you who haven't seen it (*cricket cricket*), Avatar is the story of just how pretty a jungle planet can look in 3D, and maybe there are some people fighting in it or whatever. It's also a great refresher on some of your favorite 90s action movie dialogue clichés. Mike, Kevin, and Bill implore you to "GO GO GO!" and "MOVE MOVE MOVE!" lest you be "s*** out dead without warning" before enjoying Avatar!
S01E102 - 14/05/2010 - Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Widely considered to be one of the five or six best Harry Potter movies, Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire is a breath of fresh air for a series that desperately needed one. Casting aside the familiar tropes of the first three movies in favor of bold new innovations such as Quidditch, a sinister new faculty member and dragons, The Goblet of Fire leaves the viewer wanting more! And then continues for another hour and a half... We welcome aboard dynamic new characters such as Viktor Krum, who has a line or two; Fleur Delacour, who the books made seem a lot hotter; and Madame Maxime, who engages in a romance with Hagrid. One has to imagine blackmail, a bar bet, or a fetish so vile we dare not speak its name played a major role in that one. Will Harry enter the prestigious Triwizard Cup tournament? Let's just get this out of the way: yes, of course he will. Will he win, let alone survive it? Again: yes. Will a student actually die, justifying all the jokes we've made about this series over the years? And if so, will that student be portrayed by a previously unknown actor who went on to become one of the most universally loathed characters in one of the most universally loathed series of the past three decades? We're not telling! (but you may just want to keep some champagne on ice.) Tuck into some moldy bread and stinking salmon with Mike, Kevin and Bill as they cast their name into the Goblet of Fire, attempt to win the Triwizard Cup and get busted trying to sneak some Clash of the Titans collectors glasses out of Burger King.
S01E103 - 22/06/2010 - The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
One of the hardest things to do with a popular series is to give it the conclusion it deserves. Some of the greatest entertainment phenomenons of our time, be it The Sopranos, Lost or Hi Honey, I'm Home! have failed to give fans the closure that they, as uninvolved spectators watching at home for free, feel they are entitled to. The Lord of The Rings series, on the other hand has mastered the art of delivering a satisfying conclusion. And The Return of The King does it so well, in fact, that it decides to end seven or eight times. The final chapter of one of the most beloved trilogies of all time finds our characters picking up where they left off. Frodo and Sam continue onwards towards Mt. Doom, despite Frodo increasingly appearing to Sam as a walking roast turkey. Aragorn faces down one of lifes toughest questions: whether to embrace his true destiny, or to combine three flavors of Combos into one bag and lay on the couch with his shirt off eating them. Gimli and Legolas have started an organic dog biscuit bakery in Vermont. And Mushmouth is futilely trying to convince the gang to make him the Buck Buck breaker instead of Fat Albert. All the while, the fearsome Eye of Sauron is observing their movements in a style that can best be described as "pretty funny when you really think about it." There's also drunken table dancing, Elven poetry and a spider proboscis that you would best be served to never think about if you're ever considering venturing into the outdoors again. The journey through Cirith Ungol is never an easy one, so it's best to join up with Mike, Kevin and Bill, who have their very own Light of Earendil*, tin of pipeweed**, and satchel of Lembas Bread*** *Can of Raid **Big League Chew ***Bag of combos with three different flavors of Combos combined in it
S01E104 - 30/07/2010 - The Boy in the Plastic Bubble
The past decade has not been kind to John Travolta. It began with Battlefield Earth, and ended with the movies about the middle-aged guys on motorcycles (Wild Hogs), the middle-aged adoptive fathers (Old Dogs), the middle-aged guy who found valuable dancing shoes (Gold Clogs), the middle-aged children's book author who runs at a medium pace (Roald Jogs), and the middle-aged guys who flip milk caps in a meat storage locker (Cold Pogs). It may seem like Travolta has gotten a raw deal from movie-going audiences. Despite the fact that he hasn't had a hit in a long time, believes some crazy things about Thetans, and is starting to resemble the batty aunt you've never seen wear anything but a muumuu, you still feel like maybe the guys deserves a fairer shake than he's gotten. Then you revisit The Boy in the Plastic Bubble and remember that, no, he in fact doesn't. His shorts alone in the 1976 made for TV movie render him undeserving of our sympathy til the end of time. Travolta plays Todd Lubitch, a boy who was born without any immunities and cannot venture outside his sterile environment, lest he slip on a banana peel and end up on America's Funniest Home Videos. He observes the girl next door's every move through his binoculars, and she responds how all females would in this situation: be finding this cute and falling in love with him. Along the way, we meet up with supporting characters Mr. Brady, a hybrid of William Katt/Ian Ziering, and an unaging doctor. The whole thing is set to a theme by noted orangutan dresser-upper Paul Williams, who makes modern day singers like Bon Iver seem like raging barrels of pure testosterone. Mike, Kevin & Bill insist that you please leave them alone in their one room shack in the country, so they can riff The Boy in the Plastic Bubble to their hearts content.
S01E105 - 25/09/2010 - High School Musical
Much like a scandalous private photo of a semi-famous teenage girl (what? just an example), High School Musical mysteriously showed up in the RiffTrax mailbox one day. And now we thank Efron, the ancient god of non-threatening gender ambiguity, that it did. We’d been searching for a movie that would finally address the issue of cliques in high school, something you never see in a high school film (unless you’ve seen any high school film).
S01E106 - 22/10/2010 - Clash of the Titans
RELEASE THE RIFFTRAX!! Yes, all too often a movie is reduced to a silly one-liner, a ridiculous catchphrase. This is a sad and unfair practice, demeaning to films with creative integrity and purpose. Fortunately, Clash of the Titans has neither! Upon viewing it, Sean Connery went out of his way to say “You are NOT the man now, dog!” When invited to a screening, Harrison Ford frantically searched for an excuse, finally issuing a panicked “I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK!” When a friend asked Admiral Ackbar to come along and see Inception again, Ackbar suspected he was being tricked into watching this movie instead and said...well, you know what he said. Our old Avatar friend Sam Worthington is along for the ride, maintaining his policy of only acting in front of green screens. Also, his policy of not actually acting. Also, his policy of letting his Australian accent slip through frequently, regardless of the role. Also, his policy of being a big charmless slack-jawed meathead. Also, his policy of general turdiness. Anyway, we’re big Sam Worthington fans around here. Mike, Kevin, and Bill can’t help but think this movie would have been improved by a star from L.A. Law and a goofy mechanical owl.
S01E107 - 16/11/2010 - The Last Airbender
A lot of bad things have come “from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan,” but we feel it’s safe to say that this one came straight from his colon. What is there to say about The Last Airbender that isn’t already said by its Rotten Tomatoes rating of 6%? A whole lot, as it turns out. It’s becoming apparent that the true genius of M. Night is finding a way to make the wrong creative decision at any given moment. Dialogue, casting, music cues, every choice in the film suggests that the once-acclaimed director has given up Alfred Hitchcock as his inspiration, and replaced him with a certain T. Wiseau. And, frankly, we couldn’t be happier. But, Mr. Shyamalan: we worked with Tommy Wiseau, we know Tommy Wiseau, and you, sir, are no Tommy Wiseau. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for The Last Airbender, the most disappointing adaptation of a beloved franchise since Mario Brothers 3: Luigi Buys Some Eggs.
S01E108 - 03/12/2010 - Twilight: Eclipse
Every now and then a sequel comes along that is arguably superior to the original film. The Godfather II. The Empire Strikes Back. 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain. But the makers of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse cleverly avoided such comparisons by just making the exact same movie a third time. You want a slack-jawed girl who can’t choose between some squinty, mopey fellows? We got it! You want a red-headed vampire lady running around causing some sort of unspecified trouble? We got it! You want a consistent mythology, or a story that builds tension and develops in any way over the course of three films? We got...uh...hey look, werewolf nipples! All our favorites are back: Moustache Dad, Harpo, the Volvo. And really, why should anything change? If you like Big Macs, and you order a Big Mac, you want the Big Mac to taste just like every other Big Mac you’ve ever had. And if you keep eating Big Macs all the time you’ll wind up alone, unloved, with a colon that would make even Louie Anderson’s doctor say “Dear God, you’ve let yourself go.” Just like the Twilight franchise! So settle in, get a warm plate of muffins, and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse!
S01E109 - 17/12/2010 - Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny
"Man's Greatest Achievement." This was the entirety of the note we wrote down in the official RiffTrax screening room log book for Santa & the Ice Cream Bunny. If "Man's Greatest Achievement" doesn't do it for you, then perhaps the actual tagline from the Santa & the Ice Cream Bunny movie poster will: "What a Story!" You will have to ignore, of course, that Santa & the Ice Cream Bunny barely contains a story, let alone a coherent thought. But you'll be willing to let this pass, since it does contain pigs, gorilla suits, paper mache birds, soiled Santa costumes, child endangerment and, of course, an Ice Cream Bunny. What is an Ice Cream Bunny? We're not quite sure, and the movie doesn't really bother to explain. Evidently he has a fire truck with an air raid siren, and lives at a place called Pirates World. We also know that we are strongly in favor of ceding all power to it and letting it enact whatever foul agenda it desires, just as long as it lets us take a ride through Pirates World in that sweet, sweet fire truck. It's one of the strangest and most baffling pieces of outsider art that Mike, Kevin and Bill have ever riffed, and we were only 65% kidding about that "Man's Greatest Achievement" thing. Please join us in experiencing: Santa & the Ice Cream Bunny. Original film made in 1972.
S01E110 - 01/02/2011 - Inception
The ending of Christopher Nolan’s Oscar-nominated Inception left audiences with several burning, thought-provoking questions, chief among them being “When did Tom Berenger become a giant piece of boiled meat?” The film does a lot to support Mr. Nolan’s title of ABSOLUTELY DEFINITELY THE GREATEST DIRECTOR OF ALL TIME ZOMG I AM SWEATY (source: Ain’t It Cool News). Who other than a true genius would think to put crucial lines of exposition in the mouth of an actor with a Japanese accent so thick he’s nigh-impossible to understand? Why, anyone who questioned the elaborate dream-logic of this film would have to be an idiot or a racist, but probably both!! (source: IMDb comment threads) Yes, Inception is a shoo-in for the Best Picture Oscar and it will be a travesty if it doesn’t win, according to a bunch of people on the internet who haven’t actually seen any of the other nominated films but are really hoping to get around to it, maybe after they watch their Blu-Rays of The A-Team a third time. Mike, Kevin, and Bill spent so much time watching Inception that they’re now permanently stuck in fourteenth-level dream limbo! (or maybe it was just another whiskey bender...either way we need a hose and a mop)
S01E111 - 15/02/2011 - Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
It’s Order of the Phoenix time and the entire gang is back! Harry, Ron, Hermione, Old Weird Harold, Beezus, Ramona, Moomintroll, Peppermint Patty, Churchy LaFemme, Handsome Pete, Kimmy Gibler, Trevor Ochmonek, Chris-R, Sawyer, CCH Pounder, The Fat Kid from “The Sandlot”, Snoopy’s brother Spike, Gobbler, Muffy the Mouse, Minkus, Van Go Lion, Two Bad, Fin Fang Foom, Ugly Naked Guy, Clamps, Yaddle, Carl Winslow, Strong Sad, Mr. Digger, Funky Kong, Error, U-God, Flute Cop, Lester Freamon, The green sumo wrestler thing from the Commodore 64 version of “Bruce Lee”, Dr. Robotnik, Earl Sinclair, Cedric Diggory...Wait, scratch that last one... Yes, in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, the series continues its descent into the dark, twisted real world problems that the wizards face. Namely, the addition of an irritating wizard named Tonks to the cast of characters. Hogwarts is taken over by the Ministry of Magic, who installs a puppet regime in the form of Dolores Umbridge. Because if there’s one thing kids love in their fantasy novels, it’s ham-fisted satire of totalitarian regimes! Will Harry master occulmency? Will he describe his first kiss simply as “wet”? Will he severely overreact to the death of a character he had only really met a couple of times? Will Mike, Kevin and BIll imply that Dobby has taken up pimping as a way to earn extra cash? All these questions and more will be answered in the affirmative in this RiffTrax of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix!
S01E112 - 22/02/2011 - Birdemic
Birdemic: Shock and Terror is the story of a software salesman who founds his own solar energy company after cashing in his stock options. Where it differs from the countless other Hollywood tales of software salesmen who found their own solar energy companies after cashing in stock options is that occasionally birds attack and kill people. Strong emphasis on occasionally, mind you. For while a less assured director might insist “I paid 12 dollars for these bird animations, and they’re gonna be on-screen for every frame dammit!”, Birdemic director James Nguyen instead chooses to focus on his characters. They eat meals, go to pumpkin festivals, hang out with their families, have themselves a party and every now and then make millions, buy Ferraris and date Victoria’s Secret cover models. You know, typical stuff. The comic atmosphere is undercut, however, by the serious message Nguyen wants to impart onto the audience: the dangers of global warming. Trust us when we say that the only way that this sensitive issue could be handled more deftly is by anyone, anywhere, using any means. Birdemic: Shock and Terror is what you’d get if the Ice Cream Bunny starred in The Happening as directed by Tommy Wiseau. Mike, Kevin and Bill invite you to join them for this must-see RiffTrax. And do yourself a favor and experience it on Blu-Ray!
S01E113 - 15/03/2011 - Highlander
According to legend, the screenplay for cult favorite Highlander appeared when a basement-dwelling metalhead kicked over his bong in a futile attempt to stand after consuming two “share size” bags of Combos and a tube of raw cookie dough. The bong water within, which was ancient and, indeed, nearly solid, spewed forth across the shag carpeting, musty since times of old. The mystic fluid soaked all in its path, including a half-completed “Society for Creative Anachronism” application, one WWF comic book, a cassette containing Queen’s greatest hits, and two or three Dragonlance novels. From the resultant mist, which did reek mightily of Mountain Dew, the film was born. And yea, the world spoke as one: “We won’t see this in theaters but we might check it out on VHS later, maybe.” Mike, Kevin, and Bill were dying to watch a movie about a mopey immortal cursed with loneliness since the women he loves age and die before his eyes. But then they found out there wasn’t a new Twilight movie yet, and instead took a big, hearty, Sean Connery-as-a-Spanish-Egyptian-infused hit of Highlander!
S01E114 - 22/03/2011 - The Karate Kid Part III
If you’re a normal, reasonable person, your knowledge of the Karate Kid franchise likely begins and ends with the following items: the phrase “Sweep the leg,” that awesome “You’re the best around” song, and the ironic Cobra Kai t-shirt you purchased online. But, lucky for you, we at RiffTrax are neither normal nor reasonable, and so we know that the richest, fattiest, saltiest meat of the series lies within Karate Kid III. Please, ignore everything you know about diminishing sequel quality, box office success, and critical acclaim, and just trust us on this one! One can only imagine the joy a 1980s lad might feel, settling into his theater seat to enjoy the third installment of the adventures of his film hero, Daniel-San. Never mind that Ralph Macchio is now pushing 30 and looks like maybe he’s been skipping some crane kick practices between movies, he’s ready for action! The action of bonsai store ownership! Spending all his time with a strange old man! And, most importantly of all, hounded by Terry Silver, a millionaire evil mastermind who devotes 100% of his resources to getting revenge on a teenage boy for the sake of a casual acquaintance! How does he wreak this vengeance, you and the wide-eyed young Karate Kid fan might ask? By pressuring him into signing a karate tournament application form, using all the proper and appropriate channels! Eyeball-popping stuff! How would Mike, Kevin, and Bill rate Karate Kid III? By growing evil 80s ponytails, cracking their knuckles, and mugging to the camera, “Perfect.”
S01E115 - 12/04/2011 - Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is commonly regarded as the most fun and exciting installment of the film franchise. This may well be true, especially given that the average Star Trek film is about as fun and exciting as a half-cup of plain yogurt. If you polled fans about what makes this particular film so thrilling, odds are they’d respond, “All the allusions to Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick!” (results may vary). Indeed, the original script contained even more quotes from that classic novel. Most notably, the moment when Kirk, in a fit of vengeful rage, leans back and roars to the heavens, “Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off—then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can.” VERY popular on t-shirts. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they dive into the great valley between Ricardo Montalban’s bulbous pectoral muscles for complete immersion in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan!
S01E116 - 25/05/2011 - The Crater Lake Monster
Are you a giant, cheaply-made monster looking for a nice place to terrorize? Your search is over: Crater Lake is the spot for you! Get your limp rubbery body down here, you’ll be feasting on mustachioed creeps quicker than you can say “AaaUUurgghh, I’m a monster!!” This small, sleepy community has everything you’re looking for. A sheriff who will refuse to believe in you until it’s too late. Uptight scientists that DO believe in you, for the sheriff to ignore. A pair of drunken hicks to provide aimless, misguided comic relief, and also be ignored by the sheriff. All this, and random unlikable tourists for you to snack on along the way! Just avoid choking to death on all the hideous 1970s facial hair, and you’ll have the time of your life. Mike, Kevin, and Bill became the laughingstock of the scientific community for their fervent belief in The Crater Lake Monster. But they’ll show them, yes, soon they’ll show them all!!
S01E117 - 01/06/2011 - The Devil's Hand
There are some things in life that you’ll do without a second thought. Lend a friend a quarter. Help an elderly woman across the street. And if you’re like the lead character in The Devil’s Hand, join a satanic cult to sacrifice your fellow humans in the name of The Great Devil God Gamba. Yes, when he encounters the owner of a mysterious doll shop, Rick Turner turns his back on his friends and family to embrace a life of voodoo in the name of the author of all lies. But to his credit, there wasn’t anything good on TV that night. Once signing up for the cult, Rick is drawn into a sinister web of chanting and plodding drumbeats that make Meg White look like John Bonham. Will voodoo executions follow? They will! Will the victims relish the sweet embrace of death as a way to escape the incessant drumming? Probably! Should you immediately download this RiffTrax? The Great Devil God Gamba* commands** it! *Mike, Kevin & Bill **Humbly requests*** ***OK, tearful begging
S01E118 - 21/06/2011 - X-Men: The Last Stand
For some reason, San Francisco has become the go-to location for hack directors to set their abysmal movies. The mere sight of the Golden Gate Bridge or Lombard Street are enough to trigger unpleasant memories of Tommy Wiseau's ass. And as if to prove that the city's unique charms were no fluke, James Ngyuen broke out the coat hangers and did him one better with Birdemic. But we venture to say that with X-Men:The Last Stand, director Brett Ratner has outdone both of those movies in terms of resources squandered and the resulting tonnage of raw suckitude. For while The Room gave us endless catchphrases, breast cancer scares and Chris-R, and Birdemic delighted us with Hangin' Out With My Family, bark beetles and solrpnls, X-Men 3 only offers up the ridiculous sight of Kelsey Grammer in bright blue fur as a means of easing the pain of cliché ridden dialogue, disinterested performances and Vinnie Jones. Mike, Kevin and Bill were extremely disappointed to learn that X-Men:The Last Stand even lies with its name, as the franchise continues to stand to this day, despite repeated requests at ever escalating volumes to please, PLEASE, in the name of all that is holy, take a seat!
S01E119 - 05/08/2011 - The Galaxy Invader
When a spaceship crash lands in a rural community, the locals flock to the scene. Well one local really, a kid who calls his former professor, who fields the call from his bed without a shirt on. Once he confirms that a UFO has actually been sighted on Earth, he springs into action, instructing his former student to sit by the side of the road for six hours, since it will take him a while to get there and he has some phone calls to make first. That’s when The Galaxy Invader really turns the thrills up to eleven! The brainchild of visionary* director Don Dohler, The Galaxy Invader chronicles the struggle faced by the alien when he lands in a new world and discovers that the inhabitants are hostile and fearful of those who are different. Mainly because he kills the first two people he meets and shows no remorse as he repeatedly kills again. Fortunately he’s landed in a hideous backwoods town full of rednecks where hygiene has been outlawed and the mayor has recently been impeached and a can of Skoal elected in his stead, so the deaths are chalked up to the ill effects of that durn book learnin’. Our hero is Joe Montague, a mean, unemployed drunk who threatens his family at gunpoint, slaps his children and enjoys compiling a list of differences between various translations of Dostoyevsky novels (one of those three things isn’t true.) Throughout the entire movie he also sports a costume sure to be the hottest Halloween costume this year: a filthy t-shirt with an enormous hole in the center of it. Our team of experts have yet to determine whether or not the actor portraying Joe even knew he was in a movie. It’s intergalactic cheese at its very ripest and Mike, Kevin and Bill are here to ensure that no moment of the invasion goes unriffed. Join them for: The Galaxy Invader! (In about six hours, they have some phone calls to make.) *possessing the capability to breathe
S01E120 - 30/08/2011 - Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Our new release Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe follows the heroic exploits of a galactic defender, played by Jesse Ventura, who comes to Earth to--wait, wait, that can’t be right. Jesse Ventura? The washed-up 80s wrestler known primarily for his feather boas and conspiracy theories? No, no way. Who would let THAT GUY guard a universe? Forget that, who would even let him guard some small part of the universe? Say, a state of the United States of America, a state with a population of roughly 5.3 million, perhaps located in the Midwest, with an area of 86,939 square miles, famous for its thousands of lakes? Totally implausible, the world just isn’t that silly. And yet, here he is, ready to stumble into action and visibly struggle when he speaks! It’s a Terminator-infringing wonderland of snow, words like Comator (or Colemader, or Cone-mater, depending on who happens to be saying it) and organic apple sales. And it features JIM BELUSHI AS AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PRINCIPAL. He’s there for some comic relief, in the sense that if someone has been stepping on your throat but then stops to step on your chest instead, it’s sort of a “relief”. According to Jim, but also Mike, Kevin, and Bill, it’s time to slap on a bald cap and rat-tail combo and take a ride in the Governor’s car to Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe!
S01E121 - 27/09/2011 - Thor
Thor is the rare superhero movie that raises important questions. Namely, the important question “If Thor was considered the good superhero movie of 2011, just exactly how wretched must Green Lantern have been?” Yes, Thor, for all its critical acclaim, features not one, not two, but three distinct scenes of our hero being rendered unconscious for comedic effect all within five minutes of each other! (For the record, in order: Thor is tazed, injected and hit by a van. Rumor has it the Extended Cut features a scene where he is trampled by a hungry hippo.) No doubt this cartoonish buffoonery is the touch of acclaimed director Kenneth Branagh, whose intention for Thor seems to have been “Let’s bring out the Shakespearean elements of the comic book, but instead of soliloquies, we’ll have grunting, and instead of intrigue, more grunting.” Sadly, Branagh fails to deliver on the demands made by the most hardcore Thor fans, that he bring to the silver screen the short lived 1985 plot line where Loki turns Thor into a frog and he helps other frogs defeat some rats (this actually happened and you should look it up right now.) So you don’t get any frogs, but you do get fanservice, a thoroughly implausible love story and performance by Sir Anthony Hopkins that were it any more phoned in, would be conducted through two tin cans and a piece of string. Mike, Kevin and Bill needed a nice long Odinsleep once this one was over.
S01E122 - 04/10/2011 - Laser Mission
Sure, sure, we know what you’re thinking. “Laser Mission? What kind of a thing is that to make a movie about? Everybody’s been on a laser mission, heck I did three-and-a-half laser missions on my way to pick up some eggs this morning.” Just trust us when we tell you, this one is special. First: unlike lesser laser missions, Laser Mission features exactly 0 lasers, and exactly 1 Ernest Borgnine! Nothing says “action” like Borgnine! (No, really, he says the word “action” in a funny accent.) Second: if most laser missions were to include a theme song that repeats on a seemingly endless loop, that theme song would probably contain the words “laser” or “mission.” Not Laser Mission! No, instead you’ll be treated to “Mercenary Man”, a little ditty cooked up by David Knopfler (the junior Knopfler of Dire Straits), over, and over, and over again. And, in the role of the Mercenary Man, none other than Brandon Lee of The Crow fame! It just doesn’t get more laser-ish or mission-esque than this! Mike, Kevin, and Bill came to violence deciding who would get to use “Mercenary Man” as their personal ringtone, but they all agree you really oughtta check out Laser Mission!* *and before you do, it may be a good idea to watch this classic Ernest Borgnine interview clip, which just might come up, “a lot.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3I_PeLNzxNQ
S01E123 - 18/10/2011 - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was released at an important moment in film history -- namely, the last moment when actor Rupert Grint (aka, Ron Weasley) could say “I will definitely be in two more films.” There is a version of this movie that’s about a prince who accidentally donated half his blood in a drive at work, and Harry Potter keeps chasing that guy and saying “Hey, you donated too much blood, come back here you dang Half-Blood Prince!” Unfortunately, that version exists only in the mind of a stoned guy who read the title and collapsed in such a giggle fit that it took three Best Buy employees to drag him out of the store. Mike, Kevin, and Bill put on their favorite “Dumbledore 4 Life” and “Albus will NEVER die” t-shirts for this one: please savor their exquisite heartbreak and join them for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince!
S01E124 - 01/11/2011 - The Sons of Hercules: Land of Darkness
Everyone knows Hercules (or Heracles, if you’re really fun to talk to at parties), the mighty Greek whose heroic exploits included cleaning up tons of horse crap. But not everyone knows his sons, who for some reason went by the name The Sons of Hercules! Yes, The Sons of Hercules, whose theme song informs us “were men as men could be.” What in the hell this might conceivably mean, we have no idea. Perhaps their Y chromosomes are bulked up monstrosities like Popeye. Or maybe it’s because, as the song goes on to inform us, “They shook the world AND took the world,” while the rest of us, failing to be as men as men could be, merely do one or the other depending on who’s playing in Monday Night Football. This particular episode centers around Argolese, a man whose ability to grow a respectable beard is severely hampered by his periwinkle mini-skirt. Argolese befriends a horrible man named Babar who, as a sidekick, ranks somewhere in between Jar Jar Binks and Shia LaBeouf’s character in Crystal Skull. Their lighthearted goal? Free a bunch of innocent people who have been horribly enslaved! Along the way they’ll wrestle a lion (real), fight a dragon (fake) and evade a hungry bear (we’re not sure. We’re leaning toward it being Nicholas Cage.) One thing is for certain: a sword and sandals tale this bizarre requires the full riffing efforts of Mike, Kevin and Bill, who, put together, come very close to being as men as men could be.
S01E125 - 15/11/2011 - Warriors of the Wasteland
There’s an old saying that goes “Behind every successful movie, there’s a horrible Italian rip-off of it that uses three seconds of endless looped drumbeats as its soundtrack.” Never has this reliable chestnut been more true than in the case of Warriors of the Wasteland, which proudly acts as the mangy dog, devouring the table scraps that The Road Warrior turned up his nose at, opting instead to lick itself for nearly half an hour. Yes, once again the inhabitants of Earth have reduced our proud, McRib-consuming planet to a smoldering wasteland. You might assume nukes, or genetically altered chimps are the culprit. Wrong you are, (though if you’ve recently ate a McRib, you’ve likely consumed some of the latter.) This time around what did us in was -- Books! How did this happen? It of course is not explained. But it was books, you sure can count on that! So the Warriors of the Wasteland drive around in their admittedly sweet cars, sporting their admittedly heinous hairstyles, kinda resenting books and occasionally massacring an outpost of survivors. If you can suspend disbelief for just one moment, hear this: there’s a heroic lone wolf who attempts to enforce justice on these criminals (we know, it’s a groundbreaking path for a character to follow.) Books may have caused the apocalypse, but laughable special effects and ludicrous dialogue certainly survived it. Please join Mike, Kevin, Bill and a bunch of folks who couldn’t afford tickets to Thunderdome for Warriors of the Wasteland. Original film made in 1983.
S01E126 - 22/11/2011 - Buffalo Rider
When you really stop and think about it, there are two kinds of movies: movies where rugged men punch mountain lions, and movies where this sadly does not happen. Fortunately, Buffalo Rider is the inaugural member of this first group, and while it waits for another movie to join it, (we’re looking squarely at you The Help 2), it is content to quietly kick some ass all by its lonesome. Buffalo Rider tells the story of Jake “Buffalo” Jones, a legend of the Old West who tamed and rode a two-ton buffalo named Samson and, in the process, proved that there really must not have been much to do in the Old West. And while the sight of a man who resembles a Doobie Brothers roadie riding a gigantic buffalo is spectacular in itself, the producers decide to spice up the action a bit by keeping crates of vicious wild animals just off-screen and occasionally releasing them to attack Jake and the buffalo. Bears, wolves and cougars all show up to take on Jake, who appears to have been informed of these animals’ presence seconds before they were released. You may have seen the clips of the “Guy on a Buffalo” song. Please, let us reassure you that you have NOT experienced the entire Buffalo Rider universe until you’ve seen the whole movie. This is a film that devotes nearly 1/10th of its screen time to tell the tale of a very, very unfortunate raccoon named Bandit. It has its own majestic theme song that you will be singing for days afterwards. Imagine if all you saw of Birdemic were the coat-hanger scenes. You’d be forgiven for assuming that was all the movie had to offer, but then you’d miss out on solrpnls, hanging out with your family and the spruce bark beetles. Please do not miss out on Buffalo Rider. Although the cougar punching is still pretty damn sweet...
S01E127 - 29/11/2011 - Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Hey, you know what happens if you hit play on Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon and Transformers: Dark of the Moon at the same time? We tried it, turns out they don’t sync at all and the Pink Floyd album will immediately set itself on fire in protest (who knew mp3s could burn?). So instead you should probably sync it with the RiffTrax, as that is officially the only way to watch Transformers: Dark of the Moon without ending up in a fetal position, weeping at the horror of its brave new world. It’s hard to believe the franchise soldiered on after the loss of its most beloved character, Megan Fox’s butt. Yet somehow Michael Bay boldly moved forward with a new rich & complex female character, who ALSO has a butt, which happens to be the very first part of her shown in the film! And don’t worry, all your other favorite characters are back, including: Noise! Chaos! Stuttering Shia! Racism! Screaming Shia! Respected actors shaming themselves for vacation house money! Stuttering WHILE Screaming Shia! The Matrix of Leadership! The coma induced by your laughter at the fact that they want you to take something called “The Matrix of Leadership” seriously! Join Mike, Kevin and Bill as they take on Transformers: Dark of the Moon because it’s simply not safe to watch this movie alone.
S01E128 - 20/12/2011 - Christmas with Rifftrax featuring Magic Christmas Tree
We’re happy to present the first ever RiffTrax Christmas special! In the spirit of the season (that is, delusional hysteria and madness) we’ve dug up some hilariously bizarre holiday oddities, all new to us and never-before riffed! Join your hosts, Mike, Kevin, and Bill, as they: *Exchange gifts, with vintage toy commercials *Riff a new short, The Shanty Where Santy Claus Lives *And riff the main event, Magic Christmas Tree! Magic Christmas Tree is a fresh slice of holiday weird, sure to bring back cherished childhood memories. Remember how your parents used to tell that old Christmas tale of a boy who hit his head trying to help a witch retrieve a cat named Lucifer, hallucinated for months, and befriended a creepy, sarcastic tree? No? Well that’s probably for the best, you were a young, impressionable child. But you’re ready now! Gather the family, get a bucket of eggnog, and settle in for Christmas with RiffTrax!
S01E129 - 10/01/2012 - Captain America: The First Avenger
Captain America: The First Avenger tells us the inspiring story of a skinny weakling who takes excessive quantities of a dangerous performance enhancing drug and becomes a national hero. Along the way he meets a girl, records propaganda films and defeats Sammy Sosa for the 1998 regular season Home Run title. Standing in Captain America’s way is the evil Red Skull, who bears a striking resemblance to the father of the kid in “Son of The Mask.” Red Skull has developed some sort of laser, which he intends to use to achieve modest goals of establishing himself as a respected political figure in a small, manageable region of, we’re just kidding, he intends on taking over the entire world. Aiding Captain America is Tommy Lee Jones, who appears to have been 73 for the past three decades, his loyal sidekick Bucky, who we’re pretty sure had some lines in the movie, and a guy named Timothy Aloysius Cadwallader "Dum Dum" Dugan who wears a bowler hat, ironic mustache and to re-emphasize, is named Timothy Aloysius Cadwallader "Dum Dum" Dugan. You can’t have an Avengers movie without several years of breathless hype and inflated expectations sure to leave fans disappointed The First Avenger, and Captain America certainly makes a case for filling that role, in that he becomes an Avenger and may even have done so before anybody else. Mike, Kevin and Bill are just happy to see Hitler get punched.
S01E130 - 20/01/2012 - Ghosthouse
Yes, yes, Ghosthouse is a film about a dead little girl who has an evil clown doll that commands her to kill. That’s all well and good. But it’s the little things about Ghosthouse that really make you stand up and say “Wait, what?” The star of Ghosthouse is a Ham Radio operator who, HEY GET BACK HERE!!! Anyways, this Ham Radio operator one day asks a fellow Ham Radio operator “Who is more popular in Denver, Kim Basinger or Kelly LeBrock?” This has nothing to do with the plot of Ghosthouse, but we just wanted to point out that this pressing question is raised in an actual movie at some point in time. So the Ham Radio guy and his ambiguously European girlfriend eat some chili, debate Ham Radio ethics* then go to the Ghosthouse where they meet a guy named Jim Dalen. We learn a lot about Jim Dalen, who’s staying outside in an RV with, among others, his sister Tina. That would be Tina Dalen. Jim Dalen’s sister. And hang on a second, we nearly forgot Pepe! Pepe is no relation to Jim Dalen, but he...you know what, this whole thing will make a lot more sense once you watch Ghosthouse. Go spend some time with Jim Dalen, Tina Dalen, Kelly LeBrock and Pepe, then come back when you’re ready to discuss the film. We’re going to go get some chili. *Both of those things actually happen in Ghosthouse
S01E131 - 30/11/-0001 -
S01E132 - 23/02/2012 - Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part 1
When word leaked that the final Twilight movie would be split into two parts, most people assumed that this was done by the studio as a cynical cash grab. Not so. The last chapter in the Twilight saga is so vast, so detailed, that it demanded the lush, panoramic two movie treatment. Okay, maybe they could have trimmed some of that twenty minute wedding because it was very straightforward and didn’t impact the story in any way and essentially could have been a wedding from a Reese Witherspoon movie. And we probably didn’t need every single one of the scenes where Jacob visits the Cullen’s house and shouts at someone. And dear god, they are showing them playing chess on their honeymoon AGAIN! Fortunately, the remaining twelve minutes of the movie that advances the “plot” in some fashion makes up for the slow pace of the rest of the movie by being disgusting and incoherent. The birth of Bella and Edward’s horrible mutant spawn is repellent, nasty and vile, and yes, we are just referring to the decision to name it Renesmee.* Also, this time the wolves go to a logging plant and communicate via telepathy. Mike, Kevin and Bill love to hang out at the logging plant too, or at least they did until that lame foreman called their parents and ruined all their fun. *DO NOT NAME YOUR CHILD THIS OR ALLOW ANYONE YOU KNOW TO NAME THEIR CHILD THIS
S01E133 - 20/03/2012 - Frankenstein Island
When four hot air balloonists crash land on remote Frankenstein Island, one thing is certain: they have a dog named Melvin! That’s about all we were able to figure out regarding the plot of Frankenstein Island. The rest is a glorious potpourri of insanity, including but not just limited to: jungle babes in leopard skin bikinis, a bedridden 200 year old man, zombie slaves, Kung-Fu, a brain in a jar, a confused John Carradine, a guy who looks like the protagonist of the fictional Twitter account DadBoner and a scene where a shirtless man injects a mannequin with a hypodermic needle. All things said, it’s a little less strange than The Room. How did these men get here? What is the strange power that runs the entire island? There’s only 15 minutes left in the movie, is Frankenstein ever actually going to show up? Questions like these aren’t important on Frankenstein Island. How dare you ask them. Here, the bikini chicks are dancing with a snake now. Is that better? I thought so. Mike, Kevin and Bill hop into a hot air balloon with Melvin (a pastrami sandwich), and head off into the wild blue yonder to riff Frankenstein Island!
S01E134 - 03/04/2012 - Mesa of Lost Women
Mesa of Lost Women! Not to be confused with the Plateau of Misplaced Babes, the Bayou of Wandering Broads, or the Tundra of Girlfriends Who Keep Trying to Get You to Ask for Directions but You’re Simply Just Too Foolish and Proud. It’s packed with everything you want in a vintage monster movie: giant spiders, dancing girls, spider-girls, DANCING spider-girls, mad scientists, square-jawed test pilots, and minor characters based on horribly dated ethnic stereotypes (we’re looking at you, Pepe and Woo the “houseboy”)! And, of course, nonstop wall-to-wall flamenco guitar. It’s like everyone says, “Flamenco guitar: why have a little when you could have an insane amount that is clearly way too much?” The action starts when an escaped mental patient forces a group of strangers onto an airplane, which subsequently crash-lands in a strange, deadly wilderness - which, coincidentally enough, was also how RiffTrax got started, so you definitely don’t want to miss this one!
S01E135 - 17/04/2012 - Curse of Bigfoot
Well, we found it. The Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny of horror films. Read that again. Reflect on it. Maybe discuss it with your local librarian, or, better yet, one of the pungent men who spends all day on a library computer glancing over his shoulder nervously as he “does internet research.” The Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny of horror films. A bold claim, especially when you consider that Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny is arguably a horror film itself, based on the raw metric tonnage of nightmares it’s produced. Just like that holiday classic, Curse of Bigfoot feels like an insane sandwich slapped together by Dagwood Bumstead after an extended opium binge, maybe Peanut Butter & Tacks & Pimento Loaf & a laserdisc of Newsies. A film within a film within a damp cardboard box within a film. Some highlights: a hideous papier-mâché creature (Bigfoot?) gradually approaches a woman feeding her dog for five continuous minutes. A high school teacher, apparently of the common high school subject “Monsters,” forces his students to listen to a guest speaker who would never be allowed within 500 feet of any school. Logging. Lots of logging. Logger deaths. And, to wash it all down and make sense of everything, a vintage monster movie stapled to the end, featuring a monster who may or may not be Bigfoot (it definitely isn’t Bigfoot). You don’t want to miss this.
S01E136 - 01/05/2012 - Jack the Giant Killer
(This is the live version. Already in Specials. This should be remove and updated.) If you’re into cheesy stop-motion dragons, leprechauns in bottles, drunk Vikings, and Giants-Who-Need-Killing, then Jack the Giant Killer is for you! Actually that’s an odd set of things to be into, hypothetical person reading this, and frankly it’s about time you let us get to the point. Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett riffed this vintage 1962 epic live in Nashville, and now you can enjoy the show in the comfort of your own home, castle, or bottle you share with a leprechaun! Also! The guys riff the supremely weird short What Is Nothing? (spoiler: we still don’t know what nothing is). Plus two hilarious cartoons from Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka of somethingawful.com, a Behind-the-Scenes slideshow, and movie trivia slides done RiffTrax style! Make sure all these giants didn’t die in vain - join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for a full evening of great live comedy.
S01E137 - 08/05/2012 - Mutant!
Not so much the X-Men kind of mutant, and not so much the Teenage Ninja Turtle kind of mutant, Mutant is all about that most iconic form of mutant: the one that seems a lot like a zombie. Yes, when you see hordes of zombies chasing the citizens of this sleepy Southern town, you might be tempted to tell yourself “I am watching a zombie movie.” When the words “mutant” and “mutation” are never used in the course of the script, and you are watching flesh-eating zombies eat flesh, you might really get into this closed-minded “this is absolutely a zombie movie, why is it called Mutant” headspace. But remember that these are definitely mutants, NOT zombies, and the title surely has nothing at all to do with the fact that the film was originally released with the title Night Shadows before the producers realized that sounded a little more “shade of mascara at Hot Topic” than “horror movie.” Wings Hauser, Wings Hauser’s brother, and Wings Hauser’s giant face are prototypical 80s yuppies (translation: they’re jerks and their shorts are way too short). To escape the stress of life in “Capital City” they take a road trip and wind up stranded in a sleepy Southern town infested with violent hillbillies, a drunk sheriff, and some good old down-home toxic waste. Something is mutanty in zombietown, and our heroes suspect a conspiracy that goes to the top of a local terrifyingly powerful mega-corporation (translation: a few guys in a barn with a hose and a hole in the ground). Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for this classic 80s tale of snobs vs. slobs who are mutants who are zombies, Mutant!
S01E138 - 22/05/2012 - Prisoners of the Lost Universe
When a local TV host gets into a car accident with an electrician, she didn’t count on one thing: that he would be the two time state champion who had also defended the interstate trophy in the ancient art of Kendo Swords. Because honestly, why would you count on that? It’s patently absurd, clearly some sort of horrible plot contrivance. What the hell is a kendo sword anyways? Certainly nothing a grown man should be messing around with. Watch the sample! The point is, those two end up as Prisoners in the Lost Universe, which looks a heck of a lot like Earth except that there is a kind of tree that grows dinner plates, and another kind that grows pods of orange berries. Just try to wrap your little head around that, and also how a film this derivative and cheap looking came out the same year as Return of the Jedi. One thing it did have in common with that film, however, is the presence of horrible little sidekicks. Return of the Jedi had the Ewoks, and Prisoners has Malachi, who makes the Ewoks look like Martini sipping, bon mot spewing embodiments of class and dignity. Malachi...Damn, now we’re thinking about Malachi again. He’s...He’s just the worst. Ugh. He’s also joined on the quest by the Green Man, who’s called that because he’s the same shade of blue as a Na’vi, a giant killer baby in a diaper, and a talking vulture. Grab your finest kendo sword and get ready to defend the interstate trophy with Prisoners of the Lost Universe! Original film made in 1983.
S01E139 - 02/07/2012 - Brainiac
Say hello to Brainiac, one of the finest movie monsters we’ve ever had the pleasure to know! Sure, he looks like the Troll dolls’ creepy uncle who’s no longer invited to family gatherings. Sure, his mask seems to have been hastily assembled out of found garbage and shower-drain hair five minutes before they started shooting the movie. Sure, he sucks brain matter through his ridiculous plastic tongue, then saves it in a fancy dish to be secretly eaten during posh dinner parties where he could easily be caught. Hm, seems like we should put something nice about him here to round this out. Well, he’s a very snappy dresser. Back in 1661, a Spanish baron in the middle of burning at the stake escaped by hitching a ride on a passing comet, as one does. And now he returns, 300 years later, a shapeshifting monstrosity bent on killing the descendants of those who wronged him, via a series of polite social gatherings (this is the actual plot). Luckily, those who wronged him somehow only have one descendant each, and all the descendants still happen to live in the same town, and also look exactly like the ancestors he knew 300 years ago. What a timesaver for a busy Brainiac on the go! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill and let’s all get our pesky thinking parts gobbled up by Brainiac!
S01E140 - 13/07/2012 - Bloody Pit of Horror
When a group of sexy ladies shows up to take sexy pictures in a sexy castle that once belonged to a sexy executioner who may or may not be the reincarnation of the sexy Marquis de Sade, one thing is for sure: we just used the word ‘sexy’ seven times in one sentence (including the ‘sexy’ after the colon and this one inside the parenthesis.) Yes, unfortunately for the llllllllllladies, a guy who thinks he’s the legendary Crimson Executioner is haunting the castle. Wearing nothing but pair of tights and a skullcap that makes him look like a perverted matchstick, clearly this fiend is an unstoppable menace, who may or may not spend more on chest waxing every month than he does on groceries. The insane, diabolical, evil-to-the-core Crimson Executioner (real name: Travis) has a variety of torture implements gathering dust in his basement. They range from the traditional (Iron Maiden) to the idiotic (spider piñata) to the highly specific (Suge Knight dangles you by your ankles over a balcony, may only apply to Vanilla Ice.) Filmed in PSYCHOVISION, (which we hear Fellini used to shoot in), Bloody Pit of Horror is must see Italian horror at its cheesiest. Mike, Kevin and Bill brave the spider piñata and give it their bloody best.
S01E141 - 27/07/2012 - Future Force
David Carradine in Future Force is what you’d get if Arnold substituted creatine with frosting, Stallone started cutting his own hair and Seagal...Well, Seagal wouldn’t have to change much actually. As John Tucker, he’s the only member of the C.O.P.S. (Civilian Operated Police Incorporated) (That’s not a joke) who’s interested in standing up to corruption. Fortunately, he’s got an incredible weapon at his disposal: his robotic remote-controlled glove, which can fire deadly lasers and fly and bears a hilarious resemblance to the Nintendo Power Glove. Something this powerful comes with great responsibility, so fortunately Carradine leaves it in his Jeep’s trunk most of the time and uses a standard pistol instead. Aside from video phones in cars, the dystopian future of 1991 is not noticeably different from actual 1991, though we did notice a distinct lack of Color Me Badd music. So perhaps there isn’t much to complain about. Grab a warm can of High Life, slap on some Gold Bond Medicated Powder and get ready to watch David Carradine try not to pull a groin muscle while he’s kicking some butt in Future Force.
S01E142 - 07/08/2012 - Neutron the Atomic Superman vs. the Death Robots
One of the first Mexican wrestling movies to be titled by an excitable 5 year old boy using a box of magnetic poetry, Neutron the Atomic Superman vs. the Death Robots is not to be missed. The sport of Lucha Libre was once so popular in Mexico it spawned the genre of Luchador films, in which popular wrestlers played crime-fighting superheroes. Here’s hoping Hollywood finally rips off this great idea and replaces the cast of Avengers 2 with Stone Cold Steve Austin, Brutus the Barber Beefcake, and of course, for a little sexy eye candy, the Bushwhackers. Neutron, whose exposure to atomic energy has given him the power of - well, being moderately good at wrestling - takes on the evil Dr. Caronte, who you know is a legit doctor because his Mexican wrestling mask is white. But the real star of the show is Caronte’s little person sidekick, Nick. With his unibrow and voice that sounds like the death rattle of an emphysemic frog demon, Nick fever is sure to sweep the nation like nothing before! (Note: Nick fever and its resultant sores are currently untreatable. RiffTrax cannot be held accountable for Nick fever related insomnia, infections, or gout.) Join Mike, Bill, and Kevin for one of the few superhero vs. robot movies to feature no actual superheroes OR robots, Neutron the Atomic Superman vs. the Death Robots!
S01E143 - 21/08/2012 - The Revenge of Doctor X
You expect a movie called The Revenge of Doctor X to have two things: a character named Dr. X and said character enacting some sort of revenge. Were it to lack a Dr. X, you might assume this was a careless oversight. Were it to lack revenge, you might be slightly upset, but perhaps hopeful that it instead replaced it with something comparably exciting, such as blackmail or bobsledding. Were a movie called The Revenge of Doctor X to lack BOTH revenge and Dr. X however, there could be only one explanation: Ed Wood was involved. Yes, Ed Wood reportedly penned the screenplay for this movie, which of course contains no Dr. X and no noticeable revenge. It begins with Dr. Bragin, NASA’s chief aerospace engineer. When a rocket launch goes awry, Dr. Brain’s assistant suggests that he immediately take a vacation to Japan. As one does. Dr. Bragin responds, as he does to just about every situation, with barely contained sputtering rage. On the way to Japan, NASA’s chief aerospace engineer stops at a service station/plant nursery/snake farm. Again, as one does. Here he buys a venus flytrap, which he smuggles into Japan. Waiting for him in Japan is his assistant’s cousin, who informs him that she will take the next few months off from work to accompany him to an abandoned resort that her father owns with a fully functional greenhouse and a hunchbacked caretaker that is near the rim of an active volcano. Yes, yes, a familiar cliche, but stick with us here. Dr. Bragin/X crossbreeds the venus flytrap into a horrible abomination, that would be the most terrifying creature in film history, were every detail about it the exact opposite. It resembles a giant stalk of celery combined with a used car lot tube man wearing giant boxing gloves, and of course, it develops a thirst for blood. Not motivated by any particular kind of revenge, mind you. Any blood will do. The victim does not have to have wronged it. It’s a cautionary tale about the limits of science, the corrupting forces of
S01E144 - 06/09/2012 - The Bermuda Triangle
Featuring half-man/half-jaw actor Miguel Fuentes, a.k.a. the Aztec from The Pumaman! There are lots of theories about why ships disappear in the Bermuda Triangle. Some blame magnetic anomalies affecting navigation. Some cite alien abduction. Others point out that it’s actually just a huge amount of ocean, and of course you’re going to lose some ships out there, you nitwits. But the makers of The Bermuda Triangle have their own fresh theory, and it all comes down to something NEVER BEFORE SEEN IN A HORROR MOVIE -- a creepy doll, telling a creepy little girl to kill her family. But this time, it’s on a boat. A BOOOOOAT!!! A hilariously dubbed Italian-Mexican joint production, The Bermuda Triangle is low on logic and high on ridiculous old-fashioned racism. A family sets out to find Atlantis with a crew of stereotypes, including a black cook character that would embarrass Amos and Andy. Heading the family? None other than legendary actor and director JOHN freaking HUSTON, in a role that one can only imagine he took in order to spend time near the ship’s other most notable passenger, A REALLY HOT WOMAN IN A BIKINI. Will they find Atlantis before they’re all dead? Will anyone on board even seem aware they’re looking for Atlantis? Find out by disappearing into The Bermuda Triangle with Mike, Kevin, and Bill! (and, y’know, also that bikini woman we mentioned)
S01E145 - 27/09/2012 - The Hunger Games
Just when things looked grimmest for Hollywood’s bottom line and executives started seriously considering adapting the origin stories of cereal mascots for the silver screen, along came The Hunger Games to save the day! Yes, The Hunger Games, the series that critics are saying is “Almost definitely going to have the last book split into two movies” finally arrives to bring you archery, love and oh so much reaping! Star of the show is Jennifer Lawrence, who wowed audiences in Winter’s Bone by being able to make it through a movie called Winter’s Bone without cracking a smile at the fact that the movie was named Winter’s Bone. Starring as Katniss, she volunteers for the games as a substitute for his sister Primrose, which forces her to leave behind her sort of boyfriend Gail, and get sent off to the capitol with a guy named Peeta. We contacted the folks at NASA and asked them to fire up some of their supercomputers in order to calculate which of those four names is the stupidest. They were willing, of course, but as soon as they hit start, we heard a loud buzzing in the background, and some people saying “No...No, this can’t be happening!” and “I’ve never seen a mainframe melt that fast before!” and “To the escape pods! No children allowed!”, so we figure we’re due to receive those results any minute now. Anyways, at some point in time Lenny Kravitz shows up, bringing back fond memories of the wonderful moments just before he shows up. Stanley Tucci interviews the doomed contestants and determines whether they will join Hufflepuff or Slytherin. And Woody Harrelson, one has to imagine, took the role thinking he’d get to hang out on set all day with noted babe Elizabeth BanDEAR GOD, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO NOTED BABE ELIZABETH BANKS!? We’ll just say this: at one point Peeta claims that his professional, almost magical level of talent as a camouflage artist all stems from the fact that he is good at frosting cakes in his family’s bakery. Even this part of the movie is
S01E146 - 04/10/2012 - The Guy from Harlem
The Guy from Harlem is the first blaxploitation film we’ve ever riffed. Why? To quote the temperamental yet ultimately quite sensitive gangster Harry De Bauld, a character you will grow to love as much as we do - “well, it’s...it’s kinda personal.” Okay it’s not actually personal at all, it’s just that the movie is really, really funny. It trades most of the sleaze, grime, and, well, exploitation that you expect from the genre for dopiness, sexual situations that fail to lead to actual sex, a clumsy confused sweetness, and more botched lines per minute than anything we’ve ever seen. As you’d expect from the title, The Guy from Harlem is set entirely in Miami. The makers of Casablanca almost used the same approach, with early drafts titled The Dude from Somewhere Other Than Casablanca. It’s the story of private eye and titular Guy, Al Connors. Al’s a man with such a reputation that when it’s time to protect an African queen/princess/wife of a chief of state (her title changes pretty much every time it comes up) the CIA goes straight to his dingy shag-carpeted office and begs for help. Later, when gangster Harry De Bauld’s daughter is kidnapped by the sinister Big Daddy, and his own criminal organization is just “too upset!” about the whole thing to deal with the situation, where do you think he goes? That’s right. To the guy who’s the best at being from Harlem there is, baby. Join Mike (what you say?), Kevin (that cat’s a bad duuuude), and Bill (get on down!) for The Guy from Harlem!
S01E147 - 11/10/2012 - Future Zone
When we last left him, things were looking up for John Tucker. He had landed a babe way out of his league. That nerdy kid who was always bothering him had been gunned down. He owned the world’s most powerful glove, which he occasionally admired as it sat in a box in the back of his dirty Jeep. But Tucker’s world is about to come crashing down when a mysterious visitor shows up at COP headquarters. (Unable to decide whether the acronym was COPI or COPS, the creative team* behind Future Zone just dropped the fourth letter altogether. Also, they may have moved from LA to Mobile, Alabama. The movie is very unclear about this. Oh, and the main bad guys in this one were in Future Force, but we’re pretty sure they are playing different characters here. Lest these changes scare off the potential sequel viewer, do not fear: Carradine’s beer belly remains very much intact.) Anyways, the mysterious visitor shows up. He’s wearing a mesh shirt and seems to know a little too much about John Tucker. Who is this mystery man and where did he come from? This is a question you will ponder for exactly four milliseconds before you, like every other non-brain damaged person, quickly realize “That is obviously his son from the future.” How did he travel back in time? “My friends built a time portal,” he casually mentions, never to address it again. Yeah. It’s that kind of movie. But the family affair doesn’t just stop there! In a delightful twist, Carradine’s real life wife plays his onscreen wife. The chemistry between Carradine and the woman who sold him out to the media after his death with quotes like “He had his kinky moments” and “He would go to a hardware store and buy the stuff” really is the emotional heart of Future Zone. Mike, Kevin and Bill splashed a fresh coat of mud onto their Chevy Blazer and make sure any and all gloves are firmly secured in an out of the way box as they hop on the highway to the Future Zone! *hahahahahahahahahahaha
S01E148 - 23/10/2012 - Nightmare at Noon
Nightmare at Noon might sound like what happens a few hours after trying items from Taco Bell’s breakfast menu, but in fact it’s a movie! A totally 80s movie that reunites two stars from our VOD release Mutant: the terrifyingly-faced Wings Hauser and his gruff, permanently drunk pal, Bo Hopkins. And, weirdly enough, they are once again facing off against a rural town full of people turned into ghouls by environmental contamination. But whereas Wings played a young whiny sarcastic yuppie in Mutant, this time he’s...a slightly older whiny sarcastic yuppie. And while Bo played a small town sheriff in Mutant, this time he’s...a cop who lost his job for doing the right thing. But it’s not a sequel! Somehow! Basically, they took what made Mutant such a good movie (nothing), threw in George Kennedy (yes, that George Kennedy), some cleavage (not George Kennedy’s) and a ridiculously long helicopter chase that was probably pulled from an Airwolf rerun, shook it all up and poured a big glass of Nightmare at Noon! It’s worth noting that this movie is also known by another title, Death Street U.S.A. (kinda like how Mutant also had another name, Night Shadows). It’s also worth noting, according to the movie itself, that Wings Hauser’s character loves croissants, but HATES them when they’re microwaved. Might we fixate on this bizarre character detail? Oh, we might. We just might. Help Mike, Kevin and Bill stuff croissants into a microwave until Wings drops to his knees in despair at this Nightmare at Noon!
S01E149 - 21/11/2012 - Tourist Trap
Capitalizing on the widely-publicized series of unsolved murders that occurred at the Liberace Museum in Las Vegas in the late 1970s*, Tourist Trap is a slasher film with all the classic elements. It’s got a big beefy killer in overalls and a mask, portrayed by Chuck Connors, known primarily for his television role as The Rifleman but also for his 400 pound chin. And, of course, a couple of scantily clad babes, including replacement Charlie’s Angel Tanya Roberts, who would later make MILF history as the neighbor in That 70s Show. For some reason the babes are on a road trip with a girl who’s sort of a more conservative version of Sarah, Plain and Tall when their car breaks down (you don’t say!) near a freaky roadside museum. It’s full of creepy mannequins that big Chuck operates via his never-explained telekinesis, proving that if people started developing X-Men style mutant powers in the real world their first impulse wouldn’t be to rule the world OR try to save it, but instead to perv out and build a giant whackin’ emporium full of RealDolls. The girls, naturally, trust museum owner Chuck completely. They don’t realize he’s the killer picking them off one by one, a ruse that even Scooby and Shaggy would immediately see through, even with red-rimmed eyes after hotboxing the van. Throw in a twist ending so shocking it’ll leave you saying “huh, I guess that was the ending,” and you’ve got a Tourist Trap even more perplexing/disappointing than Santa Cruz’s famous Mystery Spot (where, incidentally, the Colby Jack cheese blend was first invented**). Put on your Hawaiian shirt, fanny pack, and Teva sandals with socks, then join Mike, Kevin, and Bill in the Tourist Trap! *not factual, this is just an urban legend we’re trying to get off the ground **this is another one
S01E150 - 21/12/2012 - Christmas with RiffTrax: Santa's Village of Madness
Ah, Christmas. That magical time of year when Santa travels all over the universe by means of the fifth dimension, (which his close friend Merlin invented in a floating space castle), delivering toys that were made by a skunk in a factory overseen by a wolf in a village whose head of security, Puss in Boots, occasionally has to fend off giant ogres. A story so familiar and comforting, it’s like wrapping yourself in a warm blanket. By which we mean it’s so insane and twisted, it makes the Ice Cream Bunny look like Tiny Tim Cratchit. Christmas with RiffTrax: Santa’s Village of Madness is three shorts from the mad mind of K. Gordon Murray, who brought you the MST3K episode Santa Claus. Featuring cheap mascot costumes, terrifying music, an utter lack of coherence and a Santa who appears to have been dead for most of the shoot, they are some of the most astounding things we have ever laid eyes on, and will quickly become a new yuletide tradition, provided your eggnog is adequately spiked. Mike, Kevin and Bill will be your hosts throughout your journey, introducing each short with their best brave faces as they stare into the abyss of Christmas Skunks and magic flowers that subvert the space/time continuum!
S01E151 - 27/12/2012 - The Avengers
Earth’s Mightiest Generators of Studio Cashflow, Assemble! These heavy-hitting Marvel heroes (and also some bow and arrow guy) are finally together in one place, thanks to Samuel L. Jackson’s commitment to hanging out after the credits in their movies. Enjoy the fruits of his passive-aggressive labor, a big superhero flick written and directed by the GREAT, FLAWLESS AND IRREPROACHABLE JOSS WHEDON (internet law requires we write his name that way). Once fans got over their disappointment that the film’s roster didn’t include iconic Avenger Dr. Druid (I know, I know, we still can’t believe it either) they had to agree this was a pretty fun movie. And it is fun, once you get past the Iron Man quips, the malnourished art major Loki as primary villain, generic robo-creature-guys from space or wherever -- once you get past all that, you have the true emotional core of the movie. Agent Coulson, and his barely-mentioned offscreen romance with a cellist who recently moved back to Portland. That’s what it’s really all about, True Believers. So shout “Excelsior,” try to keep your eyes from rolling out of your head at the inevitable Stan Lee cameo, and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for The Avengers!
S01E152 - 25/01/2013 - McBain
WARNING! Contains naughty language and Christopher Walken impressions! Let’s get this out of the way: Yes, this movie is called McBain. No, it has nothing to do with what you’re thinking: it’s not a biopic of Diane McBain, star of the 1960 TV series Surfside 6. Oh, or that Simpsons character either. No, there’s no Mendoza for McBain to take out in this one. That’s just in the silly movie series The Simpsons came up with. Probably only took them a couple minutes too. Mendoza...Ha! This McBain is much more legitimate and creative. Its drug dealer is named Escobar. Christopher Walken (Mousehunt, Joe Dirt, The Country Bears, Gigli, Kangaroo Jack) stars as the titular McBain. When the man who rescued him from a POW camp is executed by a Colombian dictator, it’s time for McBain to put together a ragtag group to avenge their friend. He rounds up a smooth talking technology expert, a black guy who is afraid of flying, and a guy who repeatedly asks him if it’s really a good idea to rip off The A-Team so blatantly. Finally, they’re ready to take out the dictator and what follows is possibly the most incoherent mess of an action film there ever was. The body count soars, plot threads are introduced and discarded at a moment’s notice and a WrestleMania hat is given prominent screentime. Evidently, nobody ever told the producers of McBain that 80s action flicks were out of style, or that it’s not very badass to make your supposed action hero a welder (McBain is a professional welder, we forgot to mention that until now. Also, his first name is Bobby. Both of these things are true.) McBain is the movie that will have you saying, “Seriously? Christopher Walken did this only three years before Pulp Fiction?” Join Mike, Kevin, Bill and Rainier Wolfcastle for McBain: Let’s Get Silly. Original film made in 1991.
S01E153 - 07/02/2013 - When a Stranger Calls Back
Contains scenes of nudity. (Fortunately, not Charles Durning.) The sequel is coming from inside the house! That’s right, one of the tiredest pop culture tropes of all time finally gets a sequel! And you’ll never believe where the calls are coming from this time (because it’s a really, really stupid reveal. We’re talking the end of Signs level stupid.) Julia is a babysitter, whose motto was evidently “Charisma free child care or your money back!” Her plan to put the kids to bed and then spend an evening quietly enjoying a glass of water is disrupted when a stranger comes to her door. He has a chilling request: he needs her to call the auto club because his car is broken down. Julia responds as anyone would: by lapsing into a hysterical panic attack while the poor guy trudges four miles to a gas station and misses his kid’s birthday party. We’re just kidding of course, he actually is a maniac and he kidnaps both the kids and they’re never seen again. Traumatized by the incident, Julia responds by growing a Joe Dirt level mullet and enrolling in a small liberal arts college. (Experts strongly recommend you do neither of these things, but if you must choose just one, they tentatively recommend the mullet.) Everything is going just fine until one day she notices that small objects in her apartment are not where she left them. Cue hysterical panic attack. She’s really a charmer, this Julia. Fortunately, she’s got Charles Durning and Carol Kane to help her. Durning appears to have gotten over Doc Hopper’s failure to sign Kermit The Frog as spokesperson by eating the Electric Mayhem Band and Kane looks appropriately traumatized for someone who had to play the wife of both Billy Crystal AND Andy Kaufman. At one point, in one of the most terrifying and disturbing scenes ever filmed, Charles Durning goes to a strip club to watch a ventriloquist act. With Mike, Kevin and Bill there to riff, When A Stranger Calls Back will have you holding the line...for hilarity! (Th
S01E154 - 19/02/2013 - Cool as Ice
Vanilla Ice’s album To The Extreme sold fifteen million copies. It is important to keep this in mind while you watch Cool As Ice, because at some point in time, you will inevitably shriek at the TV, “Who thought this was a good idea? How did this happen? Are they really trying to make ‘yep yep’ his catchphrase? Why???” And the answer to most of those questions is: Vanilla Ice’s album To The Extreme sold fifteen million copies. Vanilla Ice (That’s My Boy, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret Of The Ooze) stars as a troubled French missionary volunteering at a refugee camp in the Sudan we’re just kidding he plays a white rapper. The only stretch he gives his acting abilities is playing a character named “Johnny” instead of his real name. At this moment, we will point out for the record that his hilarious real name is Robert Van Winkle. The sleepy little town that Vanilla rides his motorcycle through is not prepared for his chillaxed baditude and funky fresh fashions. Or perhaps they are just stunned that in a movie whose entire reason for existence is the star had a wildly popular album, none of the songs from said wildly popular album make an appearance. No Ice Ice Baby. No Play That Funky Music. Not even Havin’ A Roni. In fact, there is not even the vaguest hint that there was even a Roni anywhere to be Had on the set of Cool As Ice. Despite the lack of Ronis, Cool As Ice is still one of the finest looking bad movies of all time. This is because the director of photography went on to do the cinematography for films such as Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan and Lincoln. That’s right, a mere three years after Janusz Kaminski made sure that Vanilla Ice’s Stussy shirt was properly lit during the construction site frolicking scene, he was finding the right lens to shoot Liam Neeson’s “I could have got more” speech in Schindler’s List. It is perhaps the only movie that is more 90s than the entirety of VH1s I Love The 90s series. Stop, collaborate and listen
S01E155 - 14/03/2013 - Twilight: Breaking Dawn - Part 2
“You see, son, sometimes, when a shirtless teenage werewolf and a newborn love each other, very, very much...” Baby girlfriends! International squads of vampires with a host of mutant superpowers that should be blood in the water to Marvel’s legal department! A final, epic showdown between the forces of vampire “evil” and vampire “meh, whatever”! All that sounds amazing, right! It’s what we’ve been building to for four movies, right??? Like, something’s finally gonna happen! RIGHT?????? Ah ha ha haaaa, remarkable. Believing this series would pay off in any way... to paraphrase Twilight: New Moon songstress Lykke Li, “There’s no posssibilityyyyyy.” This movie is mostly about an extended vampire family gathering to show support for Bella, its newest, most insipid and simpering member. Because that’s why people love vampires -- to see them form coalitions of understanding, and talk out their differences. But there’s hope, in the form of effete ancient men in red - that’s right, more Volturi than ever before! And the great Michael Sheen offering a cackle of delight so extraordinary that the petition to make it part of his eventual Oscar death reel should begin NOW. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they hide in the mustache of Mustache Dad for one last journey into the land of vampire sensitivity, Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2!
S01E156 - 21/03/2013 - Breaker! Breaker!
Breaker breaker good buddy! We got a bear in the air on 95 going north, a bear in the grass on route 50, with Brother and Sister Berenstain Bear running a checkpoint for icons in the bear community over by the bear shop, so buckle your bearbelt, step on the bear pedal and get ready to haul some bears. We don’t know much about trucker slang here at RiffTrax, but we gather that roughly 98% of it is bear based. In Breaker! Breaker!, Chuck Norris, star of the jokes from 2007 that your lamest uncle is just now finding out about and preparing to forward to you, stars as a trucker who is also a champion arm wrestler. It's like Over The Top only with slightly less confusion about the hero’s last name. Chuck’s brother is making his first ever trucking delivery, and his cargo is several hundred frozen TV dinners. His routine haul goes awry when his truck is attacked by lonely men in search of cheap, barely edible food-like substances. Actually, he’s captured by the citizens of a rogue town of drunken hicks led by the delightfully Kelsey Grammer-esque Judge Trimmings. Chuck must go in search of his missing mustache, and also his brother. To rescue him, he’ll need to very slowly kick some butt, due to the lack of mobility afforded by his denim jacket/pants combo. Fortunately, he’s got an ace up his sleeve: all his trucker pals who are apparently willing to kill dozens of people and destroy an entire town based on one CB radio message from an anonymous source reporting that a guy who they’ve seen arm wrestle once or twice is apparently in some sort of trouble. It’s a tale full of moonshine, hillbillies and sweet airbrushed eagles on the sides of vans. Mike, Kevin and Bill 86 the tuna, get the six top seated and give the blue plate special wings (trucker slang) in one of Chuck Norris’ finest mustache-less films, Breaker! Breaker!
S01E157 - 04/05/2013 - Viva Knievel!
Evel Knievel was a 70s icon most known for the “stunt” of flying across the country to beat his former promoter, an executive at 20th Century Fox, outside the studio commissary with an aluminum baseball bat, shattering the man’s arm while shouting “I’m going to kill you!” Okay, that’s not what he’s most known for, but it’s what he should be most known for. I mean, did you know that? We didn’t know that. But it just might come up once or twice in our new Rifftrax of Viva Knievel! The cast of this movie is basically a list of names designed to make you go “whoa, all those people are in this movie?” Screen legend Gene Kelly! Red Buttons! Lauren Hutton! Frank Gifford! Space Mutiny’s Cameron Mitchell! Dabney Coleman! The inexplicably-named Marjoe Gortner! And, perhaps best of all, the diabolical druglord villain played by none other than Leslie Nielsen! If you’ve seen him in The Naked Gun or Airplane! every line he says will sound like a joke to you, and trust us friends, that is a very good thing. From Evel waking up orphans late at night to give them his own shoddy action figure merchandise, to, oh right, the occasional motorcycle jump, there’s almost too much to like about this one. So grab your baseball bat and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they spectacularly fail to jump Snake River Canyon and see Viva Knievel! Original film made in 1977.
S01E158 - 13/04/2013 - The Apple
The year was 1980 and one trend was sweeping America! No, not that animated dancing cat from the Paula Abdul video. We admire you thinking outside the box, but jeez, you were off by like nine years. Reign it in a bit. We were talking about the nationwide fad of really crappy musicals! Yes, 1980 brought us Xanadu, The Village People’s Can’t Stop the Music and of course the crown* jewel of them all: The Apple. Because what we needed at the start of Reagan’s America was the book of Genesis set to music. The Apple tells the story of Alphie and Bibi, a pair of sweetheart musicians from Canada who make the Osmonds look like GG Allin. Alphie’s vaguely foreign-y accent and resemblance to sensei John Kreese do nothing to slow them down as they ascend the ladder to stardom. Of course, they have a little assistance from Mr. Boogalow of the sinister BIM Corporation, which is at times a record company, an oppressive totalitarian regime and the producer of a reality singing TV show (listed in order from least despicable to most.) Forgot the name BIM already? Do not worry, there is a solid ten minutes of the movie where people shout it at you while doing aerobics. When Bibi is unable to resist the temptation and signs the record contract (GET IT???) she’s vaulted to superstardom, but at what cost? The answer appears to be not much for her. She’s actually doing pretty OK. Alphie on the other hand moves in with an elderly female landlord, as you do when times get rough. The real victims of Satan’s nefarious temptation appears to be the audience’s ear drums, which are assaulted with a variety of songs that are best described as Disco’s death rattle. Mike, Kevin and Bill would love to stop and chat but they just got word that BIM is on the way. Why don’t you watch The Apple while they wait for him to get here. *One of those cheap cardboard crowns you get at Burger King Original film made in 1980.
S01E159 - 23/04/2013 - Kingdom of the Spiders
Captain Kirk. T.J. Hooker. Twilight Zone plane guy. Johnny Legal (presumably his name on Boston Legal, didn’t bother to check).The Dad Who Says Sh*t. All great characters, sure, but William Shatner will always be best known for one role, and one role alone: RACK. Rural veterinary doctor Robert “Rack” Hansen, of course, he of the inexplicable nickname, fondness for cowboy hats, and habit of hitting on his brother’s widow by saying he’d like to “milk her.” A lesser man would’ve stopped with Rack, his legacy complete. Such a great, internationally beloved part, it’s a testament to Shatner’s skill as an actor that he’s escaped its shadow, the Kingdom of the Spiders conventions and catchphrases and reboots, and become known for more than just Rack. RACK. Rack. No seriously, he has people call him Rack and he thinks he’s a sexy cowboy. Rack. Animals and people are dying of spider venom in Rack’s sleepy Arizona town, and when he and a foxy out-of-towner discover a gigantic hill of venomous spiders on a local farm they somehow don’t immediately make the connection, burn it down, and end the movie. What unfolds is a creeping, ridiculous, town-destroying horror, packed with more real live tarantulas than the basement home of that spooky pale guy who sold drugs outside your high school. Rack up, put on your spider-stompiest shoes, and join Mike, Bill, and Kevin in the Kingdom of the Spiders!
S01E160 - 07/05/2013 - Psycho II
Turns out hilarious re-imaginings of classic Hitchcock movies aren’t just for James Nguyen! They even dug up the original Norman Bates (aka, Anthony Perkins, you may know him from his other work in just kidding, obviously, just kidding) and his momma (quite literally) for this one! Not to mention the Motel and roadside homestead, and even the iconic shower scene! Because, when you see a timeless thriller beloved by millions, the thing you want most is to follow it with a sequel 22 years later that pays homage by just whizzing all over it in every way possible. Norman gets released home to his family crime scene with some help from psychiatrist Robert Loggia, who’s tough and cool as always, but utterly inept as a psychiatrist. Despite the fact that Norman’s killing spree would’ve made national news, with college kids wearing ironic t-shirts of him in his mother’s dress by now, very few folks in his sleepy hometown seem to remember him at all. And those that do are eager to give him a job, or, in the case of Meg Tilly, go back to his home and spend the night, just for funsies. Only Dennis Franz (and, presumably, his bare bottom) is suspicious of the man who IS STILL OBVIOUSLY INSANE. But hey, who knows, maybe Norman’s fine now? JUST KIDDING, OBVIOUSLY, JUST KIDDING, HE’S STILL NUTS AND TELLS THEM SO HIMSELF MULTIPLE TIMES. Join Mike, Bill, and Kevin for Psycho II, and turn the crank on Hitchcock’s grave one more time!
S01E161 - 23/05/2013 - Dr. Who & the Daleks
ATTENTION, WHOVIANS! (for the uninitiated, that is not something Jay-Z yells at the beginning of a song, it’s a name for Doctor Who fans) Before Matt Smith, before David Tennant, before Christopher Eccleston, before even the scarf and afro guy, there was Peter Cushing. Well, not before, exactly, because this feature-length movie isn’t a canonical part of the Doctor Who universe or storyline. So it’s sort of more adjacent, than before. It’s nearby, if nothing else. Approximate, at least. Like, Dr. Who is in it! But instead of a mysterious Timelord alien, he’s kind of just a confused human grandpa with the last name Who. But he does have a TARDIS! Of course, instead of a disguised alien craft it’s just, like, this junky thing he made with his granddaughter. Oh yeah, he hangs out with his granddaughters. Yeah. But then they travel through space and fight the most classic Dr. Who bad guys of all, the Daleks! Of course, in this imagining of Dr. Who, the Daleks are just some dopey trashcan looking guys with plungers sticking out of ‘em that talk funny -- oh, that’s how they still are? Seriously?? PERFECT! IT’S CANON AFTER ALL! So no matter how much you know, don’t know, or don’t want to know about Dr. Who, this movie will fill your needs. Plus, the RiffTrax itself is totally canon, and an official part of the Mike, Kevin, and Bill timeline (unlike that regrettable one-off TV special, “RiffTrax goes to Hawaii”, which shall never be spoken of again). Exterminate Dr. Who and the Daleks today!
S01E162 - 13/06/2013 - Firehead
You know you’re in for a treat when we were considering starting this description, “When an Estonian cyborg defects to America...” This Estonian cyborg, as you’ve come to expect from Estonian cyborgs by this point in time, is the ultimate killing machine. Played by The Actor You Get When Reb Brown is Making Something Even Crappier, he possesses the devastating ability to shoot lasers out of his eyes! For this reason he is called LaserEyes. Er, The Blinkinator. Maybe Cyclops from X-Men. No, it was Firehead! He’s called Firehead, since he can shoot fire lasers from his head eyes. Who’s the most suitable man to track down Firehead and ensure that he doesn’t go on a rampage? Did you say Chris Lemmon, son of screen legend Jack? Of course you didn't. Did you know he existed? Well, have you ever seen someone really commit themselves to a terrible Jack Lemmon impression? Right, of course you haven’t. But take our word for it, Chris makes a strong case that the true villain of this movie is Hollywood Nepotism. Actually, the real villain is a shadowy organization known as The Upper Order, which plots the beginning of World War III from a rented conference room at the airport Ramada. They are led by another legend, Oscar winner Christopher Plummer, who was having so much fun that he brought along fellow Oscar winner Martin Landau. Rumor has it they almost convinced Orson Welles to come along too, but he wanted to spend his twilight years pursuing dignified, artistHAHA! We almost made it through that sentence! Join Mike, Kevin and Bill, all Estonian defectors themselves, as they riff LaserEy Firehead!
S01E163 - 26/06/2013 - Fangs of the Living Dead
Even before Prime Minister Berlusconi brought fame to Italy with his countless deviant and reprehensible acts, it was a sexy, saucy nation. And, according to its old horror movies, it’s also full of sexy, saucy, abandoned castles, owned by sexy, saucy, possibly dead but still wealthy men. And of course, most important of all, lots of sexy, saucy, scantily clad women to explore these castles and gasp at basically everything they see. As you might have guessed, our new feature Fangs of the Living Dead is loaded with your daily recommended intake of exactly this kind of Sexy Sauce (now available at Arby’s). Leading the way is Anita Ekberg, known for being Miss Sweden, her role in Fellini’s La Dolce Vita, and most of all for going out of her way to keep people from finding out she played “the most beautiful model in Italy” in Fangs of the Living Dead about 10 years after all that. Anita is summoned by her “uncle,” aka the Italian Vincent Price, to a remote castle he claims is her inheritance. What she discovers leads to a shocking twist ending, one SO shocking that not even the filmmakers knew it was coming - seriously, they made the movie one way and at the last minute the producers made them tack on a twist ending that makes no sense. See if you notice! (you will absolutely notice) Ease into your most practical dungeon-exploring negligee and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Fangs of the Living Dead!
S01E164 - 06/09/2013 - Silent Rage
Take Chuck Norris. Pair him up with the guy who played Flounder in Animal House. Quickly ball that screenplay up into a wad and toss it into a garbage can where it lands next to a half-eaten ham sandwich because that is obviously a terrible idea and what have you got? Silent Rage!
S01E165 - 04/10/2013 - Starship Troopers
This 1997 giant bug alien war flick was an adaptation of Robert Heinlein’s 1950s militaristic sci-fi novel of the same name, in the sense that director Paul Verhoeven later said he never finished reading the book, and in fact stopped after the first few chapters because it made him so “bored and depressed.” Inspiration, indeed! Whatever you think of the big expensive film he made—simply dumb and loud, or dumb and loud on purpose to make a point it’s a brilliant satire and I am TYPING IN ALL CAPS NOW—it’s definitely not boring or depressing. Go see The Lone Ranger if you’re looking for that. Starship Troopers is the tale of young trooper Johnny Rico, played by Casper Van Dien, star of this and...well, some direct to video sequels of this, mostly. He’s joined in the war by Denise Richards, impossible to believe as a gifted starship pilot long before she was impossible to believe as a gifted nuclear scientist in that Bond movie. He’s also joined by the great Neil Patrick Harris, who is somehow much easier to believe as an intelligence officer with psychic abilities that help him communicate with the giant bug aliens. Throw in Michael Ironside, because duh, it’s a war movie, you’re gonna need Michael Ironside, and Jake Busey, because duh, he just showed up on set and wouldn’t leave, add a love triangle, heaps of alien splatter, and you’ve got the sprawling, great, goofy mess that is Starship Troopers! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for this gorilla-gram free version of the blockbuster live show!
S01E166 - 11/10/2013 - Supersonic Man
Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s...a copyright attorney that represents DC Comics handing out cease & desist letters to the producers of Supersonic Man! Sadly, Supersonic Man, though he tries his hardest, still does the best to crib from various, more well-known sources. He has the Man of Steel’s strength, Dr. Manhattan’s occasional be-speedoed-ness, and yes, the awkward, moron-like flying of The Pumaman. What original attributes does he bring to the table, you may ask? Well, he uses his amazing supersonic powers to shatter the speed of sound and...turn a gun into a banana. And he’ll need every banana he can get his hands on because a nefarious bad guy played by Cameron Mitchell (Death of a Salesman, Frankenstein Island, Space Mutiny) has an evil island lair where he intends to start slow, really focus his energies, and take over one very specific three block area in the city of Richmond, Vir—we’re just kidding of course, he intends to take over the entire world. Fortunately, he has an ace up his sleeves: possession of the world’s lamest robot, which despite its slow movements and general clumsiness, can still shoot gigantic flames that appear to measure approximately a few degrees less than the core of the sun itself. Can Supersonic Man outwit this foe and save humanity? Assume a rigid, very uncomfortable looking flying stance and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill to find out!
S01E167 - 31/10/2013 - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
By the seventh Harry Potter movie, you’d think they were starting to run out of ideas! Not so! Deathly Hallows Part 1 introduces several brand new ideas to the fantasy genre such as: an item of jewelry that must be destroyed in order to eliminate an evil wizard and his army, and when you wear it, you slowly become evil and turn against your friends, which makes the long journey on foot across the countryside even more difficult. OK, so maybe that’s not too original. But there are lembas bread barf flavored jellybeans! When our story begins, grave danger lurks in every inch of the wizarding world. How grave? Well, grave enough that our heroes cannot return to Hogwarts. Yes, that’s how bad things have gotten: evidently Hogwarts, the most dangerous death trap on the British Isles*, has somehow become even more dangerous. Note: this does not mean that the Weasleys will cancel the wedding of one of their unimportant sons and the girl from the movie where Edward the vampire died. Don’t be ridiculous. While the Hogwarts action is lacking, Deathly Hallows does contain surly teens moping in the woods, an inexplicably animated section detailing the origin of O-Ren Ishii the deathly hallows, and the death of a character that may atone for Jar-Jar not biting it during any of the Star Wars prequels.
S01E168 - 20/11/2013 - Swamp of the Ravens
Yes, it’s an utterly baffling horror film about a mad doctor who believes death is simply an evolution and that every woman wants to sleep with him. Yes, he is laughed out of the academy and moves his decency-defying research to a swamp in Ecuador, as one does. Yes, he’s investigated by a sheriff who can only be described as a chunk of swarthy walking meat, and who also believes that every woman wants to sleep with him. But MORE THAN ANY OF THIS, Swamp of the Ravens is a vehicle for an original song about being in love with a dead robot that will change the way you view songs, movies, songs in movies, robots, dead robots, living robots, and love itself. Seriously, we haven’t been so infatuated with a song since Damien Carter taught us all about “Hangin’ Out With [His] Family” in Birdemic, and we know you’ll love it just as much as we do. You poor souls. Oh and also, there are no ravens in the titular raven swamp. Just buzzards. Really, it’s a heck of a movie. So grab the dead robot you love most and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Swamp of the Ravens! No ravens required!
S01E169 - 13/12/2013 - Dr. Who: Daleks - Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D.
The Doctor is in, and he’s less canonical than ever! Yes, Grand Moff Peter Cushing is back in this follow-up to fan favorite Dr. Who and the Daleks. Those cheerful, not-at-all-soul-crushingly-annoying Daleks have come to Earth, and they’ve brought along the longest, most ridiculous movie title in Rifftrax history. Luckily, the fate of the human race is safe in the hands of Dr. Who (an elderly human, not alien, no powers, possibly not even a doctor), his young granddaughter, and the menagerie of other people he’s chosen to recklessly endanger this time. The Doc and his crew of allies/victims travel to 2150 AD for reasons that are, somehow, seriously, never explained. Once there, they find humanity dominated and subjugated by a race of heartless authoritarian overlords - so, y’know, a big bold departure for Doctor Who and sci-fi stories in general. Will they save Earth? Will the title get any longer? Will our dashing hero get home in time for Matlock? Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill to find out in Dr. Who: Daleks etc. etc. so on and so forth AD!
S01E170 - 27/12/2013 - Treasure of the Amazon
Journey with us into the heart of the Amazon in this cheesy adventure film from...1985? Really? 1985? You’re sure this didn’t come out in 1962? You’re sure. This came out two years after Return of the Jedi? A year after Temple of Doom? The same year as Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend? What, B:SLL is a very common point of reference for people. William Katt fans consider it his “understated masterpiece,” his Bob Dylan’s “Oh Mercy,” his Coppola’s “One From The Heart,” the Birdie the Early Bird of McDonaldland characters. We apologize for the direction the previous paragraph took. Despite being filmed in 1985, Treasure of the Amazon is not “instantly woefully outdated,” it’s old school! It’s from a time back when men had beards, other men wore really tiny shorts, and other men wore diapers. When every voyage into the Amazon had at least one medieval friar on board. Add in a whole bunch of classic National Geographic style toplessness, Donald Pleasance as a treasure hunting nazi, a diva who alternates between a southern and British accent, and a cast that can’t remember whether they’re supposed to be alligators or crocodiles, and you’ve got yourself one mess of a movie. Book a ride at your nearest discount seaplane emporium, strap on a bulky diaper of your own, and get ready to defile an ancient burial ground. What could possibly go wrong? Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill, (who all pony up the 80 bucks for free Prime shipping every year) for Treasure of the Amazon!
S01E214 - 22/12/2015 - I Believe in Santa Claus
Ah, Christmas. The stockings are hung. The fire is roaring. Mom and dad have been abducted by an African warlord and their son forces a friend to board a plane to Finland to find them only to be kidnapped by an ogre who forces them into slavery. Chestnuts roasting. You know how it goes! I Believe in Santa Claus starts with our hero, Simon, being locked in a closet by a cruel janitor. Perhaps he was trying to eat pudding without eating his meat, we’re not sure. Anyways, Simon is a bit of a whiner these days because both his parents have been kidnapped while on an aid mission to Africa. Where in Africa you might ask? “Just Africa!” the movie says, and yes, it’s going to be that kind of film. Anyway, you’re probably way ahead of us, but yes, Santa Claus goes on a covert mission to rescue the hostages with the aid of a fairy princess and a couple of automatic weapon toting child soldiers. Kris Kringle nearly gets devoured by an alligator, Simon nearly gets devoured by the ogre, and there’s probably a scene on the cutting room floor where Blitzen nearly gets devoured by Comet and Cupid. Because yet again, it’s that kind of film. Add in some of the most maddening Christmas earworms this side of “Dogs Barking Jingle Bells”, and you’ve got yourself a brand new RiffTrax Christmas classic that’s destined to join the ranks of Stinky the Skunk, Droppo, Accordion Wolf, The Small Tree of No Account, Lupita, the husky kid from Magic Christmas Tree, Rudolph’s foxy mama, Norman Spear Jr, and the Ice Cream Bunny himself. Stop all your crying business and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the madness that is I Believe in Santa Claus.
S01E172 - 07/02/2014 - Night of the Lepus
RABBIT! The very word strikes fear into the heart of anyone with a very strange definition of the word fear! Their very existence seems to bring terror, what with their gnawing on vegetables and hopping and...twitching their little tails… Starring in a surprisingly wide array of beloved books, cartoons, and other children’s entertainment, OK, look, rabbits aren’t scary, at all. But what if, through a combination of terrible editing and confusing camera angles, we pretended like they were very big? Hey, where are you going! So it goes in Night of the Lepus (Latin for rabbit, as characters frequently remind each other and the audience.) When rabbits overrun a farmer’s land, he turns to a local scientist for a cure rather than poison them. Thus the true message of this movie: poison rules. When the scientist’s cure backfires, the rabbits grow to enormous size and the real conflict begins: that of the special effects team vs the movie producers who evidently budgeted next to nothing for the special effects team. Using an innovative technique known as “replaying the same damn shot over and over again” the makers of Night of the Lepus manage to create the eerily convincing sensation that you are watching normal sized rabbits run towards a camera in slow motion. Occasionally they run across the screen right to left in slow motion. That Cadbury commercial where the rabbit clucks like a chicken is infinitely scarier. So is the mustache that DeForest Kelley sports in this movie. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Night of the Lepus, the least scary thing involving rabbits since Bugs Bunny dressed up like a woman and seduced Elmer Fudd.
S01E173 - 07/03/2014 - Cyborg Cop 2
Cyborg Cop 2 is the special kind of terrible movie that has failed before you’re even done reading the title. That’s right folks, Cyborg Cop 2 does not even manage to contain a single cyborg cop. Technically, the main character, Jack Ryan (before his shadow was recruited) is a DEA agent, so he is actually neither a cyborg nor a cop. The second thing we should tell you about Cyborg Cop 2 is that multiple characters wear gigantic fanny packs all the time. Like the kind a tourist without any dignity would wear instead of just sporting a sandwich board that says “Please pickpocket me and my idiot family.” The fanny packs are never addressed or commented on. Perhaps they are meant to distract from the fact that there is not a cyborg cop in the movie Cyborg Cop 2. None of the RiffTrax performers have seen Cyborg Cop 1, nor have any members of the writing staff seen Cyborg Cop 1, yet we were able to follow the plot fairly well. This is not meant to imply that we did not have any questions. We did, namely “So is the cop a cyborg?” and “Seriously, is there a cyborg cop in this thing or not?” Take David Carradine’s Future Force, remove the robotic remote controlled arm as it makes the cop too much like a cyborg, and you’ve got Cyborg Cop 2. Strap on your fanny pack and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for low budget action cheese at its finest. Note: contains some pointless nudity.
S01E175 - 28/03/2014 - Terror at Tenkiller
Follow-up to the rarely seen, totally imaginary films Ennui at Eightkiller and Nausea at Ninekiller, Terror at Tenkiller really brings the goods! And by “the goods” we mostly mean there’s a character named Tor in it. Seriously, at this point the Venn diagram of “movies featuring a character or actor named Tor” and “movies we have riffed” must be approaching a perfect circle. Why does this keep happening? We don’t know, but you can be sure an insane scientist in some B movie is hard at work on the answer, and that his name is Tor! This particular Tor lives at a lake called Tenkiller, where his hobbies include boat maintenance, wearing upsettingly tiny shorts, and purifying the world of unclean people with murder. Oh, that Tor! He works with Preacher, an old creep whose voice seems to have been dubbed in a bathroom stall by a sleepy hillbilly. When two cute college coeds show up at the lake to get away from an overbearing boyfriend, and the fact that they’re somehow roommates despite a 15 year age difference, it’s time for terror! And phone calls. And long conversations about restaurant management. And naps. And people waking up from naps. And peaceful walks to the dock. But mostly, the first thing! What was it again? Oh yeah, TERROR! Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and Tor for a relaxing spa murder weekend to Terror at Tenkiller!
S01E176 - 11/04/2014 - Fist of Fury
Fist of Fury! The 1972 Bruce Lee classic! Not to be confused with Fists of Fury, or Jackie Chan’s New Fists of Fury, or Fist of Fury II starring Bruce Li (who himself is not to be confused with Bruce Lee). Oh and also, Fist of Fury is known by a couple other names, The Chinese Connection and The Iron Hand, don’t let that confuse you either! Here’s a good way to keep all these movies straight: this is the one where a guy named Bruce takes on a bunch of corrupt bad guys and kicks everyone’s butt real good. There, that clears it up, right? It’s a good old-fashioned Hong Kong revenge story. Bruce’s martial arts teacher is killed by members of a rival martial arts school (spoiler: Bruce roars “TEACHERRRR!” at the thundering heavens quite a bit when he hears about this) and, wouldn’t you know it, decides to undertake a one-man mission of vengeance, pitting his Chinese school against their Japanese enemies. It’s kinda like the “slobs vs. snobs” setup of Caddyshack, except with a lot less gopher dancing and a lot more deep ethnic animosity. Fun! So tense your whole body, make some strange bird sounds, punch a guy to death while you’re not even looking at him, and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for Fist of Fury!
S01E178 - 01/05/2014 - Attack of the Puppet People
When a dollmaker’s wife leaves him, which of the following does he do? A) Reflects inward on his failed marriage, seizes the opportunity for self-improvement, starts working out, embraces meditation, and emerges a better man. B) Starts putting away a twelve pack before noon every day, eating week old Chinese takeout, and getting really into English Premier League soccer as a means of ignoring his sorrows. C) Starts shrinking people down into a collection of miniature doll-people for no real reason. If you guessed C, then congratulations, you’re clearly a madman bent on ill-fated schemes of varying degrees of lunacy. And no you can’t borrow our shrinking ray. Attack of the Puppet People tells the story of such a madman, and the unfortunate woman who stumbles across his scheme while working as a secretary at his doll factory. That’s right, he makes dolls, and turns people into dolls, and dolls are probably found in a section of the toy store close to puppets, hence: Attack of the Puppet People. There is a puppet show in the movie, but it isn’t a result of the madman. It’s the result of another madman, it supposedly played on Broadway, and you will not believe your eyes when you see it. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Attack of the Puppet People, classic 60s B movie cheese that is almost as scary as that Roberto Benigni version of Pinocchio!
S01E186 - 28/08/2014 - Dinosaurus!
Time for Dinosaurus! Not to be confused with Dinosaur U.S., the traveling show where patriotic velociraptors do a leggy synchronized dance to entertain the troops. No, Dinosaurus is a vintage 60s monster flick, complete with a caveman and drunk-looking stop motion dinosaurs (or are they dinosauruses? It’s never quite clear). The dinos find themselves unfrozen on an island chock full of stereotypes (stereotypuses?) including a square-jawed hero, a fat man-child sidekick named Dumpy, a kid who knows what’s really going on but gosh, gee golly, nobody will listen to him, and O’Leary, an Irishman so drunk and cartoonish he single-handedly inspired the formation of the Irish Anti-Defamation League. And, last but not least, the Island Manager (which is apparently a thing) whose hat and beard and general sliminess might just remind you of a certain fella whose interests include keeping the Master happy and slow pizza delivery. It’s not about DinosaurMe, it’s not about DinosaurYou, it’s about DinosaurUs. We love this one and think you will too, join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Dinosaurus!
S01E187 - 12/09/2014 - The Sword and the Sorcerer
And the 80s said, “let there be fantasy movies,” and there were fantasy movies, and they were good. Well, they weren’t really. But lo, raise thy flagon to the 80s, for through the mists of legendry* (*actual phrase from the movie) they bring us The Sword and the Sorcerer! Before George R.R. Martin ever Gamed a Throne, The Sword and the Sorcerer had a witch bringing forth a hideous monster, a noble family of good guys getting wiped out, and even a Red Wedding! Or at least a Magenta Wedding. It also has a three-bladed sword that shoots blades, the kind of idea that seems like it could only have been pitched by an 8 year old boy right after the phrase “You know what would be COOL?” Follow the adventures of our hero, Talon, a rogue/warrior/buccaneer/general/upholsterer/freelance architect/hooker with a heart of gold, as he gets vengeance and shoots his sword and swings on ropes and whatnot, y’know, hero stuff. It’s high fantasy, just like the blacklight posters and pewter figurines at Spencer’s Gifts envisioned! Join The Mike and The Bill and The Kevin for The Sword and the Sorcerer!
S01E188 - 03/10/2014 - R.O.T.O.R.
R.O.T.O.R. could be described as The Room meets Cyborg Cop 2, and if that makes any sense to you at all then you know how excited we are about it! It’s an embarrassment of riches, where to begin? Our hero Captain J.B. Coldyron, police robotics genius and ranch owner, whose dialogue was all dubbed by a different actor and written by a different species? The goofy office robot who somehow possesses more sophisticated intelligence than the dangerous “advanced” prototype on the loose, aka R.O.T.O.R.? Or what the acronym R.O.T.O.R. itself stands for: Robotic Officer of the Tactical Operations Research. Yes, the last word in the killer police robot’s name is Research, for some reason. Except later in the movie, when it suddenly stands for Reserve instead. Why? If you want an explanation, you’d better ask Shoeboogie, the wacky Native American janitor who loves to dance. Actually, don’t ask Shoeboogie anything, it’s probably best to avoid all eye contact with Shoeboogie. Coldyron! Research! Shoeboogie! If you say those words real fast they kind of sound like a song, but they’re also three of the many reasons you should join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the wonder of wonders that is R.O.T.O.R.!
S01E189 - 17/10/2014 - Hawk the Slayer
If you took a Dungeons & Dragons adventure written hastily by an 8th grader during study hall and turned it into a movie, you’d wind up with something a lot like Hawk the Slayer. In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how they actually got the script. But this movie has something that no D&D adventure can claim: Jack Palance. A whole lot of Jack Palance. Specifically MEGA-EVIL Jack Palance, playing a character named Voltan. He yells, kills, yells, whisper-threatens, whisper-yells, kills, and mostly just yells his way across the countryside. Seems no one can stop him until his brother Hawk - yes, his brother, despite being about 40 years younger - gathers an elf, a dwarf, and a giant to take him down. Not as much dignity as a Fellowship of the Ring, more of a… Crew of the Stuff. Keen-eyed fans may recognize the dwarf from our release Prisoners of the Lost Universe. Also, the actor playing Hawk went on to portray Jack’s dad in Lost -- hmmm, Prisoners of the LOST Universe, LOST, time to dig up your old Lost conspiracy theories because there’s something happening here, IT’S ALL CONNECTED. Join Mike, Kevin and Bill for a heaping helping of Jack the Palance and Hawk the Slayer! Original film made in 1980.
S01E190 - 24/10/2014 - Godzilla
Decades before somebody had the revolutionary idea to do a Godzilla remake that was “good” or “cool”, Hollywood hired the director of 2012 to make one that would be neither of those things but would instead have an ad campaign co-starring the Taco Bell chihuahua. Matthew Broderick stars as Dr. Niko Tatopoulos, because obviously when you have a character named Niko Tatopoulos, you get Matthew Broderick to play him. Co-starring is the hit Puff Daddy single “Almost Certainly the Low Point of Jimmy Page’s Career” (Sample lyrics: Uh-huh, Yeah, uuh / Uh-huh, Yeah, uuh.) And in all the commercials they showed that part where the guy gets stomped on. Somehow this is a two and a half hour long movie. About as scary as the Tamagotchi you had back in 1998 and about as loud and obnoxious as the Prodigy CD you were listening to that summer, Godzilla was one of the biggest RiffTrax Live titles we’ve ever done. Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and roughly 82% of the cast of The Simpsons for this studio MP3 version of Godzilla! Original film made in 1998.
S01E191 - 24/11/2014 - Fun in Balloonland
We would say that Fun In Balloonland is our favorite RiffTrax movie that we've ever done, but there’s just one problem: it’s hard to really describe it as a movie. It is an event. To attempt to describe its plot to you would be like attempting to divide by zero. There are balloons, there are kids, there is a parade, and there were mercifully cameras rolling to capture the madness. It’s a spectacle so cracked and baffling that you’ll have to double check to make sure it wasn’t recorded at Pirates World, home of Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. In fact, the Ice Cream Bunny would have taken one look at this flick and begged off saying “Too weird for me man! Even I have my limits! Oh whoops, lost another kid off the back of the fire engine. Well, you’re gonna get that.” Fun In Balloon Land throws a whole casserole of crazy at the screen: kindergartners in gold lamé diapers, giant Indian stereotypes, a maniac of a parade host, blow fish who halfheartedly tell jokes, a lengthy guessing game, The Farmer In The Dell, two headed cats, and something called The Marrying Turkey. Then Santa shows up. Trust us, it will all make sense when you sit down and watch it.* We've been holding this one back for the holiday season ever since we discovered it at the beginning of the year and we’re delighted to finally present—no, unleash would be the better word—we’re delighted to unleash it to all of you. Please join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and the Marrying Turkey for: Fun In Balloonland. *100% untrue.
S01E00 - 30/11/-0001 -
S01E171 - 17/01/2014 - The Wizard of Oz
Our most “not in Kansas anymore” release since Avatar! Yes, after years of riffing blockbusters packed with dialogue cliches, we finally went to the source, the motherlode, the true original, The Wizard of Oz. This film is so big and influential that not only movies but books, song lyrics, and even ordinary everyday conversation are 90% Oz references! Quotes, and images, and made-up statistics, oh my! From flying monkeys to monster trees to casual witch murder, The Wizard of Oz has delighted and permanently traumatized children for decades. It’s a timeless classic, a cultural touchstone, and perfect for riffing. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll say “Wait, in this scene the Scarecrow has a gun?? Was that always there?!” It was! Join Mike, Bill, Kevin, and their little dog, too, on the yellow brick road to the horse of a different color that’s no place like home but represents the Lollipop Guild and okay that’s probably just about enough lines from The Wizard of Oz!
S01E192 - 02/01/2015 - Wonder Women
A fiendish super-villain is kidnapping star jai alai players in order to harvest their organs! Even more shocking, someone pitched that plot to a Hollywood executive and they said “Yes, we’ll make that movie!” And when you want an obscure paddle sport champion kidnapped, there’s only one group to turn to: The Wonder Women! No job is too big, no outfit too skimpy, no catfight with fellow Wonder Women worth passing up! (Warning: Please note that we said Women, not Woman. This movie does not contain any invisible airplanes or golden lassos. If you or a loved one dons an American flag style leotard at any point during the viewing, please consult a doctor, especially if it’s grandpa doing the donning.) The only thing that stands in their way is Ross Hagen. Well, Ross Hagen and several thousand Filipino citizens who were apparently unaware that a movie was being filmed and literally stand in the way during the movie’s several chase scenes. Fortunately, their lives were endangered, quite possibly lost, for a quality production, one that uses something called “Brain Sex” as a central plot point. Mike, Kevin, and Bill don Linda Carter’s Bracelets of Submission to riff Wonder Women, the rare sort of movie that manages to rip off Charlie’s Angels despite coming out three years before Charlie’s Angels.
S01E193 - 23/01/2015 - The Dark Power
Hollywood legend Lash LaRue returns to the silver screen in this thrilling tale of zombies, the occult, and stretching the definition of “Hollywood legend” as far as our lawyers will allow us! Lash LaRue, as you’ll undoubtedly recall, was famous for being playing a cowboy that used a whip. In every movie he was in, he found a way to pick up a whip and crack it a few times. Cattle rustlers? Whip! Pistols at dawn? Whip! Bankrupt from loss of cattle because trying to stop cattle rustlers with just a whip is incredibly stupid? Whip! Dead from ignoring the pistols part of pistols at dawn and instead bringing a—Well, you get the idea. Yes, Lash and his whip were inseparable. It’s even claimed that he taught Harrison Ford how to use the bullwhip! Sadly for Lash, he was providing his “whip lessons” on the set of Regarding Henry, and was escorted off the lot by security after startling Harrison in the bathroom. But that didn’t stop Lash, and he’s still flinging his whip around in The Dark Power. And it’s a good thing too, because four ancient Toltec Indian chiefs have risen from the dead and are terrorizing a house full of college students who don’t look a day over 32. Turns out that defiling their burial ground was a bad idea! Who knew? Can Lash drive his Chrysler there with his blinker on the entire way before the students are picked off one by one? Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for this RiffTrax to find out!
S01E194 - 30/01/2015 - Kiss of the Tarantula
Did you ever watch the movie Carrie and think, “hm, pretty good, but her creepy home life wasn’t nearly creepy enough”? Then boy, have we got something for you! Meet Susan. She’s just like any other troubled teen, except her dad is an undertaker, their house is a mortuary full of corpses, she’s got a sleazy uncle who’s around a little too often, and a room full of pet tarantulas who do her bidding. And what’s her bidding, exactly? Revenge murder against those who’ve wronged her, of course! And how exactly do the tarantulas kill her enemies, given that tarantulas are really not that dangerous to humans? Well, they… um... you’ll just have to watch the movie and see if you can figure it out, because we really can’t. Some of the slowest murders in film history, a final sequence so drawn out that the first time we screened it we were in tears (the laughing kind of tears, mostly), and middle-aged teenagers galore! Time to pucker up for your Kiss of the Tarantula!
S01E195 - 06/02/2015 - Alien Outlaw
When you see a title like Alien Outlaw, you know to expect one thing: a heavy focus on rural gunfighting shows and the agencies that book them to regional fairs. What’s that? You expect some quantity of alien outlaw activity? Well, there is some of that, sure, a small amount. But surely the next thing you expect is a healthy dose of elderly whipmaster Lash LaRue, sort of wandering around the set and shouting things at other characters? And that he’ll be shirtless at some point? Okay, good, glad we’re on the same page there at least. When last we saw Lash LaRue he was fighting ancient Native American zombies over a sacred rental property in The Dark Power. This time he and his protégé, the young pantsless gunfighting phenom Jesse Jamison, are defending a tiny mountain community from alien outlaws - no, that’s not a typo, despite the title Alien Outlaw there are actually multiple alien outlaws in this movie. It’s also not entirely clear that they’re outlaws, and it’s even less clear why they came to Earth or what their plans are at any point in the story. But one thing’s for sure: they love old-timey Wild West gunfights! Because okay, why not! Homemade Predator costumes, Lash LaRue AND his fat hillbilly sidekick buddy from The Dark Power, an alien killed with a fishing hook, what more could anyone ask for? For Lash to use the whipping talent that made him famous at some point in the movie, maybe? Good luck with that! It’s time for befuddlement and laughter, join Mike, Kevin and Bill for Alien Outlaw!
S01E196 - 27/02/2015 - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
It is a tale as old as time: four turtles are exposed to a mutagen and grow up to annoy the living crap out of every adult within earshot. They form distinct, marketable personalities and headband colors: nerd, joker, leader who seems to not grasp that a long sharp sword can actually cut things, and cool but rude.* Then, when a major entertainment conglomerate deems it long enough since the last movie to be financially prudent, they emerge from the sewers and onto the silver screen. Occasionally Splinter makes a funny. This iteration was not without controversy, however! Turtles fans were outraged when Witwicky love interest Megan Fox was cast as April O’Neil. Many complained that she was completely wrong for the role, and that the only true April O’Neil was Judith Hoag, Paige Turco, Renae Jacobs, Veronica Taylor, or perhaps Sarah Michelle Gellar. Fortunately, Ms. Fox delivers a subtly nuanced performance, and is often the most realistic looking thing on screen. Mike, Kevin, and Bill take on the winner of our “Worst Movie of 2014” poll, TMNT! *It has come to our attention that there is a faction who interpret the theme song lyrics as “Raphael is cool but crude.” These people are literally worse than everyone who was tried at Nuremberg combined.
S01E197 - 14/03/2015 - Anaconda
There’s riffs out there this big?? One of our favorites, now available as a studio riff, the movie that’s been called “Probably one of the top four films in the Anaconda series,” Anaconda! Anaconda stars a pre-fame Jennifer Lopez, a post-fame Eric Stoltz, and an Owen Wilson who even then was somehow ashamed of his role in The Internship despite it not happening for another sixteen years. With the help of Ice Cube (Straight Outta Compton, F@%& Da Police, Are We Done Yet?) they set off into the Amazon in search of those drones they claimed were going to revolutionize package delivery. Then Eric Stoltz gets stung and paralyzed by a venomous wasp, so things are really looking up for our crew when they encounter Jon Voight. Voight has been obsessed with hunting down a deadly anaconda ever since the snake tricked him into selling his beloved Chrysler LeBaron to George Costanza. From then on, things spiral into a deadly game of cat and mouse, one where the cat is played by a snake, and the mouse is played by Danny Trejo. And, as if that wasn't enough, at one point the anaconda spits a monkey right at a man’s face! How many movies can say that? Don’t miss out! Original film made in 1997.
S01E198 - 20/03/2015 - The Hideous Sun Demon
This is the tale of a man who transforms into a violent lizard creature whenever he’s in the sun too long. No, he’s not the third wheel love interest in an upcoming Twilight reboot, he’s The Hideous Sun Demon! It’s the late 50s, a time when exposure to radiation still caused fun stuff, like superpowers and shape-changing, as opposed to less fun stuff, like, y’know, death. After some radioactive material falls off the toy train the scientists use to transport it through the lab (actual plot point, not a joke) mild-mannered genius drunk Dr. Gilbert McKenna is changed forever. Sunlight turns him into a reptile man-monster, presumably because that’s the rubber suit that was cheapest to rent when they made this movie. But not cheap enough for them to rent the bottom part of the suit, apparently, because he runs around in totally soaked khaki pants for roughly half the movie. Why are his pants so wet? That’s just part of the mystery! It’s a superhuman dose of old-fashioned nuclear mutation fun, stay out of direct sunlight and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for The Hideous Sun Demon!
S01E199 - 10/04/2015 - The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant
Bruce Dern has it all: A beautiful wife. An expensive house with a pool. A two headed monkey. Casey Kasem for a neighbor. And yet, he’s feeling unfulfilled, perhaps because— What’s that? Oh, you’re right, we did kind of just gloss right over the unusual part of that sentence. Yes, Top 40 DJ Casey Kasem is Bruce’s neighbor. He’s always stopping by to deliver a long distance dedication or prattle on about some dead dog while Bruce is trying to do important stuff, like attach heads to a monkey or an idiot manchild. For you see, Bruce’s entirely normal pastime is figuring out how graft additional heads onto things. Why? Why did Michelangelo paint? Why did Mozart compose? Man is compelled to create, and sometimes what he creates is as stupid as a serial killer’s head sewn onto a local hillbilly’s shoulder. Needless to say, this does not go well. (Both being neighbors with Casey Kasem and the whole 'manufacturing godless abominations in the guest room you converted into a lab' thing.) Come for the mutant in overalls, stay for the wife in a cage, it’s all here in The Incredible 2-Headed Transplant!
S01E200 - 24/04/2015 - Radical Jack
“We should rip off Road House and Billy Ray Cyrus should play Dalton!” There are two types of people in this world: those who read the above sentence and immediately lapsed into fits of hysterical, table-pounding, pants-wetting laughter. And then the other .00001% of people, who thought “Sounds good to me! Is Michelle Pfeiffer’s sister available to play the love interest?” We have that .00001% to thank for Radical Jack. Eight long years after "Achy Breaky Heart" came out, and approximately 7 years, 364 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes and 34 seconds after the first jukebox playing "Achy Breaky Heart" was smashed with a pool cue, American cinemas got the movie they needed. Except, minor detail, it was actually released direct to video in Russia. Which makes a lot of sense once you see Radical Jack. Fans of Road House will recognize the key points: a loner with a mysterious past comes to town and finds employment at a local dive bar. A local arms dealer has grown rich running the town, despite the fact that its population appears to hover around 35 people. Occasionally Billy Ray takes breaks from doing construction to pour water all over himself in slow motion while seductive music plays1. The only thing missing is the Monster Truck. Once you see the budget on this thing, you’ll understand why they had to leave it out. And Radical Jack doesn’t just rip off one of our all time favorite RiffTrax titles! Shot in Rutland, VT, it features the very time machine from Time Chasers itself!! (AKA, a crappy, weathered small airplane.) Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Radical Jack. Just don’t tell their lips, their fingertips, or various other body parts. 1 This never actually happened in the version of Road House that was shown in theaters, but it does in the one that airs on a loop in our hearts.
S01E201 - 01/05/2015 - To Catch a Yeti
To Catch a Yeti. To live a dream. To Meat a Loaf. Some things just seem too good to be true. Meat Loaf, in a movie about a bigfoot? But Meat Loaf isn’t playing the bigfoot? Might seem disappointing, until you find out Meat is instead playing the world’s greatest hunter, Big Jake Grizzly, and his prey is a yeti that’s 2 feet tall and makes the puppetry in Mac & Me look like high art. Even calling the yeti a puppet is really an exaggeration, since basically all it can do is sit still and whimper and blink. But that doesn’t stop it from doing some rad skateboard moves1, because hey, it’s the 90s!!! (1radical skateboard moves = someone dropped this stuffed animal disaster on a board and kicked it down a hill) Against all notions of reason and good taste, a little girl is charmed by the creature and makes him her friend. But there’s also an evil little rich boy (who somehow manages to be even more detestable than the yeti and ‘Loaf COMBINED) who wants the hideous goggle-eyed creature for himself. It all leads to a thrilling hijinks-filled showdown in New York City...or at least, the best fake approximation of New York City to be found in a production so Canadian your screen will ooze maple syrup. Maple syrup, Meat Loaf, a horrific puppet, and more things you’ll never want to eat again after To Catch a Yeti!
S01E203 - 27/06/2015 - Fever Lake
Well, Save my Bell and Lost my Boys, it’s Mario Lopez and Corey Haim! In Fever Lake, A.C. Slater and The Other Corey™ are college kids, or possibly high school students, depending on what part of the film you’re watching. They, a sex-crazed buddy, and some female teen-adults leave whatever kind of school it might be for a trip out to a cabin in an equally vague rural location, Fever Lake! Might it be the kind of cabin with a dark past that “nobody goes up to anymore”? Starring those Tiger Beat heartthrobs and Bo Hopkins as a grizzled cop, Fever Lake is a good clean old-fashioned horror movie the whole family can enjoy.
S01E204 - 09/07/2015 - Stone Cold
Stone Cold tells the story of John Cold, a renegade cop played by failed NFL player Brian Bosworth, whose most notable football accomplishment was having a bad haircut. We’re just kidding of course. The character’s name is John Stone. Otherwise that first sentence would be ridiculous. When the FBI wants to bust a notorious biker gang by sending in an undercover agent, there’s only one choice: John Stone, who is sure to blend in since he walks around with what looks to be a piece of roadkill that got run over by a bleach truck glued to his head. Inside the gang he meets bikers with names like Ice, Gut, Chains, AWOL, Beetle, Sarge, General Halftrack, and Miss Buxley. At first everything is going great, but then it turns out that the murderous, drug-dealing nazis are actually kind of a bunch of dicks. So Stone is forced to take them out the only way he knows out: by maximizing civilian casualties and property damage. Despite Boz not being an actor, or even able to tackle Bo Jackson, Stone Cold turned out spectacular. Like, “launching an unmanned motorcycle into a helicopter to bring it down on the courthouse steps” spectacular. Stone Cold is like if you wadded up all the Fast & Furious movies into one gelatinous ball, replaced all the crap about "family" with maniacs who shoot beer cans off each others heads with machine guns, and then fired it out of a shark you’d somehow transformed into a bazooka. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for a RiffTrax that’s so 80s, they legally couldn’t put it out until the 90s!
S01E205 - 17/07/2015 - Julie and Jack
Did you like Birdemic, but find yourself wishing it had focused less on the birds and more on stock options, dinner dates, and fifty percent discounts? Did you wish that Rod’s friend who says “A day without sex is a day wasted” had been explored more as a character? Did you find Rod too charismatic and dynamic as a lead? Well spruce my bark beetles, this may just well be the Hot Ferrari you’ve been looking for! Before he made Birdemic, James Nguyen made Julie and Jack. All the familiar Nguyen trademarks are there: poor Tippi Hedren. Blown out white balance. Characters announcing they are going to purchase Ferraris after their company is bought out and their stock options are fully vested for a childishly round number (seriously, that specific scenario happens in both his movies!) But while Birdemic explored the issue of global warming with the nuance of Grover explaining the terms ‘Near’ and ‘Far’ to a three year old, Julie and Jack attempts to delve into the deepest philosophical question of them all: what does it mean to truly love someone? Needless to say, this goes very poorly. Nguyen shoots in a wide variety of exotic offices that he definitely used to work at, or at least deliver things too. The cast features some familiar faces from Birdemic, as well as actors that were evidently too crappy to cast in Birdemic. And just when you think it can’t get any better, the director makes a cameo himself. Sample line of his dialogue (keep in mind, he wrote it himself): "Jeez, you know, I mean, yeah, I'm so busy working on the computer theory, the algorithm, and uh, and the computing uh, math theory that I'm, that I totally ignore and forgotten about the computing history." Julie and Jack is a must see for any fan of Birdemic, or for anyone who enjoys seeing the obsessions of a madman manifest themselves in movie-like form. Grab your favorite blurred candy, postpone that Victoria’s Secret cover shoot, and invite over your favorite marine mammals such
S01E206 - 31/07/2015 - Megaforce
1982. The decade of the action hero was underway. Audiences hungered for mayhem, bloodshed, and for a very brief period of time, Billy Zabka. What they got instead was Megaforce. Megaforce made film history by giving lead character Barry Bostwick both a funny headband and a funny hairstyle. They would prove to be the film’s most enduring legacy.
S01E207 - 14/08/2015 - The Magic Sword
Meet George. He’s twenty, unemployed, lives at home, and spends his free time using a magic pool to spy on nude women while they are taking baths. If the movie were taking place in present times, George probably would have already called you something horrible in a comment section today. But somehow he is the hero of our story. Standing in George’s way is the evil wizard Lodac, who intends to feed the Princess to his pet dragon. After confirming that she will not be nude when she is fed to the dragon, George decides to rescue her. Fortunately, he has an ace up his sleeve: the birthday presents that his mommy gave him. At this point we should acknowledge that George is not exactly Liam Neeson in Taken. These presents include some magic armor, a magic horse, and yes, a magic sword. The armor filed a grievance against the producers when the movie title was announced, while the horse merely continued filling his dung sack. Along the way, Jack, er, Arthur, er, Jon Snow, er, GEORGE is helped by a band of merry knights, all of whom seem to be participating in a “who can do the worst accent” contest. (SPOILER: The Irish guy wins.) They also encounter an ogre, a hag, elves, and pretty much everything else that you can find on the “List of Fantasy Clichés” Wikipedia page. Spells will be cast! Heroes will be born! Bones will be seized! Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and a horse that may or may not be magical, we don’t know since the title doesn’t address it, for The Magic Sword!
S01E208 - 21/08/2015 - Rollergator
If you scooped a pile of goo out of a backed-up gutter, submerged a pair of electrodes into it, fed it a slurry of protein rich nutrients while sending jolts of ever-increasing voltages of electricity through until it demonstrated the most basic signs of what could technically be considered life, then immediately handed the pile of goo a video camera, it is impossible that it would make a worse movie than Rollergator. Why is it so bad? Let’s start with the ultra cliched plot: The talking, purple, almost twelve year old alligator is on the run from the skateboard ninja who is employed by the evil carnival owner. We know, we’ve heard it a million times. But here’s where Rollergator differs from all the other talking animals the 90s gave us. Get this: he’s totally in your face. We’re talking x-treme with a capital X, ‘tude with a capital ‘. Does he rap? Please. You may as well ask if Poochie ever hitchhiked to the fireworks factory. Standing in the way of Rollergator’s goal of endorsing every Blue Razzberry flavored product that 1996 had to offer is Joe Estevez. Joe is the villain, because he merely wants to put Rollergator in a cage, whereas the rest of humanity wants him destroyed in the quickest way possible. Joe thinks people will pay a pretty penny to see Rollergator quip at them. What he doesn’t realize is that nobody will be able to hear Rollergator’s quips because SOME HORRIBLE MUSICIAN IS PLAYING THE SAME AWFUL ACOUSTIC GUITAR RIFF OVER 98% OF THE MOVIE!!! Shot on video without any fancy pants “microphones” or “lights” or “permits to record here”, Rollergator is truly something to behold. We’re not saying this is the worst movie we’ve ever done here at RiffTrax, but that’s only because we aren’t being asked to do so under penalty of perjury. Please join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Rollergator.
S01E209 - 11/09/2015 - Manos: The Hands of Fate
Many years ago the people of El Paso, Texas gave their money to a local fertilizer salesman and said, “Go make us the best horror movie you can make.” The result, "Manos" The Hand of Fate, is an object lesson in why you should never give your money to an El Paso fertilizer salesman. Manos has it all: teens making out, luggage fetching scenes, The Master, Torgo... Did The African Queen have a Torgo? We think not! Did Casablanca have teens making out? It did not! Did The Master have a The Master in it? Okay, perhaps you’ve got us there. Manos is still one of the strangest examples of what one person with no particular talent can accomplish when given a camera, what technically counts as a cast, and a soundtrack that will drive you mad and/or serve as a pretty sweet ringtone. Originally regarded as one of the defining episodes of Mystery Science Theater before becoming one of the most popular RiffTrax Live events of all time, this studio VOD version of "Manos" The Hands of Fate is perfect for anyone who lives in terror of jib shots, live audiences, or Norman.
S01E211 - 16/10/2015 - No Retreat, No Surrender
An organized crime syndicate is attempting to muscle out all the karate dojos in the country with the aid of deadly Russian black belt, and it’s up to the new kid in town and his breakdancing sidekick to defeat them, if the local bully doesn’t stop him first! Here is a test: at which point in the above sentence did you realize the film was a product of the 80s? A. After “Karate Dojos” B. After “Deadly Russian” C. After “Breakdancing sidekick” D. I actually thought it was a Sofia Coppola film from the late 2000s If you answered A, B, or C, then congratulations! Your senses have been honed to detect the fine subtleties of 80s cheese and you are going to enjoy the hell out of No Retreat, No Surrender. “Borrowing” the jingoism of Rocky IV and pretty much everything else from The Karate Kid, it adds the baffling twist of having our hero learn karate from the ghost of Bruce Lee. It is the second most unrealistic thing in the movie after having Jean Claude Van Damme portray a Russian. Co-starring other 80s staples such as the fat guy who is always eating (otherwise viewers might not have noticed that he is fat) and training montages that out-parody every training montage parody you’ve ever seen, No Retreat, No Surrenderwill get you so pumped up you’ll be tempted to forgive Van Damme for Street Fighter. All that’s missing is a ponytailed, toxic waste dumping millionaire to deem it: “Perfect…”
S01E212 - 29/10/2015 - The Night Dracula Saved the World
When you review the list of reasons that the Star Wars Holiday Special was such a colossal failure, very rarely does “Not enough Judd Hirsch” come up. “Contains no Judd Hirsch” was actually one of the few things critics cited as a positive for the SWHS. In fact, rumor has it that George Lucas got the entire special green-lit solely by pitching an hour of television that Judd Hirsch would not appear in. So while The Night that Dracula Saved the World does not have Harvey Korman, or crappy animation, or an elderly wookie pleasuring itself, it does have Judd Hirsch. Please do not go into this special expecting not to see Judd Hirsch. You have been given fair warning. Judd Hirsch plays Dracula, who is facing a major dilemma: he’s played by Judd Hirsch. Also, The Witch is refusing to fly over the moon, something that is totally a thing that everyone associates with Halloween. If she doesn’t fly over the moon, Halloween will be cancelled (it was already on thin ice after a Halloween special starring Judd Hirsch aired.) Fortunately for Dracula, he’s got a lineup of monsters to help him, none of whom are played by Judd Hirsch. If you’re on a box of seasonally available General Mills marshmallow cereal, you’re in this special: Frankenstein's monster, The Wolfman, The Mummy, even MST3K's own Brain Guy makes an inexplicable appearance. Together they must stop The Witch from doing the unthinkable and ruining Halloween, (though everyone probably would have blamed it on Judd Hirsch anyway.) Thrill and chill at how low the standards were for winning an Emmy in the 70s! (Seriously. It won one.) The Night that Dracula Saved the World is probably the second worst holiday special of all time, but then again, see it and decide for yourself. At least the Star Wars Holiday Special had those funny old commercials. Happy Halloween!
S01E213 - 20/11/2015 - The Wizard
“I love the Power Glove… it’s so bad.” This iconic movie quote is often misattributed to Lawrence of Arabia, but in fact it’s from our newest VOD, The Wizard! Before there was a terrible movie about the Super Mario Bros., there was a terrible movie about PLAYING Super Mario Bros. Fred Savage’s little brother is a savant video game player, and the two of them run off to California so he can compete in Video Armageddon, that big famous video game contest like they had in the 80s, remember those? Sure, we all remember those, and they definitely happened all the time. They’re joined by a plucky little girl who’s just putting up with all this until she can grow up to sing in the indie rock band Rilo Kiley (no, really!). The kids are pursued by a child bounty hunter, again, something that might sound fake but is definitely just as real as Video Armageddon. To add to the playful Nintendo fun, the child bounty hunter looks like, well, a sexual predator. And at one point he is even accused of inappropriate touching. No, really! All this happens in The Wizard! The little kid Nintendo movie! And we haven’t even scraped the surface of the unnecessarily complex and bleak family drama at the center of this movie that is, primarily, a commercial for Nintendo and Nintendo-based products. There’s almost too much to love here. Dust off your NES Advantage, blow in the cartridge even though we all know that doesn’t do anything, and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for a walk down “not how you remember it from childhood” memory lane with The Wizard!
S01E215 - 22/01/2016 - Icebreaker
It’s obvious what the makers of Icebreaker were going for: Die Hard on Skis. Unfortunately, they weren’t even able to make A Good Day to Die Hard* on Skis. We think they should have gone with making Speed 2: Cruise Control, aka Die Hard on a Boat on Skis. We heard the boat was available. Terrorists have taken over a Vermont ski slope! Why? Who knows! Their motives are extremely unclear. Perhaps they were frustrated by the state’s lack of east to west interstates. Or maybe they were angered by Vermonters' inexplicable preference of Heady Topper over the superior Focal Banger.*** The point is, Sean Astin is the only man who can stop them. Why? We actually know the answer to this one: because that’s how the Die Hard on a ____ format works, dammit! Standing in Sean’s way is B-movie god Bruce Campbell, who evidently really wanted an all expenses paid ski vacation. And when we say “Standing in Sean’s way” we mean it quite figuratively. We are not entirely convinced these two ever actually were on set at the same time. The two trade quips at a bunny slope level that culminates in the most thrilling series of snowboard stunts we’ve seen ever since we tried to play a downloaded ROM of 1080 on a stuttery N64 emulator. Written and directed by David Giancola (Time Chasers) and featuring a memorable performance by Asahi T-shirt Guy from Radical Jack, Icebreaker is one film that will make you say Yippee Ki Yay, Mr. Gamgee!**** *It’s technically the fifth** Die Hard movie. **We know, we prefer to pretend it doesn’t exist either. Besides, how can there be a fifth Die Hard movie when we’re also pretending the fourth one doesn’t exist?) ***Please forgive us, one of our writers moved to Vermont four months ago and these are the only two facts about his new home he has learned in that time. ****I refuse to apologize. What are you going to do, come find me?? I’m in Vermont!!
S01E216 - 08/03/2016 - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
At long last, the conclusion to the endless, seriously endless, so-unbelievably-endless-they-took-two-whole-movies-to-end-it endless Harry Potter saga is here, fully riffed and available in delicious RiffTrax flavored jellybean form! Until this movie came out, a lot of people thought Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 was the end of the series, the “Part 1” thing being a cute ironic affectation like Leonard Part 6 or when you call a fat guy “Tiny.” But no, Harry Potter is back, and it’s time to watch his whimsical friends who we’ve goofed along with for seven full movies drop dead rapid-fire like background players in a Vietnam movie. Part 1 was all about finding and destroying horcruxes, but Part 2 really ramps it up, following the kids as they… continue finding and destroying horcruxes. Like the film version of your nephew forcing you to watch him rack up Xbox achievements and trophies, but with more crying! We couldn’t be prouder or happier to bring the saga to its conclusion. Much like Dobby the House Elf, we is free! And also like Dobby, we is dead. Very, very dead. Join Mike, Kevin and Bill for one last hilarious broomstick ride into the ultimate Quidditch bloodbath, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2!
S01E217 - 08/03/2016 - The Room (Live Version)
In 2015 we kicked off The Crappening by riffing The Room live! Due to a certain cast member who will remain nameless (OK, it’s the guy who says “Lisa looks hot tonight” during Johnny’s birthday party) we’re unable to release that live show on our site. But this studio MP3 of the live show is the next best thing! Consider it a “Special Edition” MP3. Tons of all new jokes, fully riffed sex scenes, and Denny even shoots first! Just borrow a laugh track from Fuller House and you’ll feel like you’re watching it live! Alley football, underwears, breast cancer, doggy, barbecue chicken rice, framed spoons: The Room has contributed so much to our culture, way more than suckers like Van Gogh or Thomas Pynchon. It is one of our all time favorite bad movies and this MP3 version is the definitive riffing! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill-R for this studio MP3 of our The Room live show! Do it quickly, before Mark moves to a bigger place - word on the street is he’s making some pretty good money these days.
S01E218 - 11/03/2016 - Wizards of the Lost Kingdom
From the deepest, darkest, most sorcerously stained corner of the video store, in the “mid-80s fantasy movies trying to trick you into thinking they were kind of like Star Wars” section, it’s Wizards of the Lost Kingdom! Yes, it’s hard to believe now, but in the 80s people were still pretty obsessed with Star Wars. Oh, how the world has changed since then! And Wizards of the Lost Kingdom brings the knock-off heat. A roguish but charming scoundrel who can’t help but do the right thing: Check! A giant hairy monster mess of a best friend who makes digestive sounds to communicate: Check! A whiny unlikable kid prodigy who’s the son of a more famous magic type: Check, with extra unlikeability! A thrilling plot full of amazing special effects and edge-of-your-seat action: uh… did we mention the furry digestive sounds guy? Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is like 6 different movies in one, in the sense that it was seemingly cobbled together from at least 6 different movies into one not-at-all cohesive whole! And it stars Bo Svenson, who you may recognize from small parts in some Tarantino movies, the kind of small parts in Tarantino movies actors get because they were once in obscure movies like Wizards of the Lost Kingdom. The film business is confusing! Finders keepers losers weepers, sorry Wizards but it’s our Kingdom now! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the tour of an ancient Spencer’s Gifts store that is Wizards of the Lost Kingdom!
S01E219 - 25/03/2016 - Samurai Cop
The Samurai Cop is here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and he’s already infringed on enough movies and cliches so he’s just going to stop with that introduction right there. Yes, the cop they call Samurai has travelled to Los Angeles from a faraway land they call San Diego. Because it would just make no sense to have the movie take place in San Diego, or to have the cop be from LA to start with. Or, y’know, Japan. Why do they need the Samurai Cop in town? Because frankly, the chief was telling everybody how absurd his haircut was, and nobody would believe him, so he said “Look, I’ll have him come to town and you can see this damn thing for yourselves.” It is a work of art. If it seems like there’s a serious threat at any point in time, it’s going to leap off his head and start kicking ass on its own. Samurai Cop is assigned a partner, whose main job appears to be mugging to the camera as the Samurai Cop punches people. Together, they’ve got to bust a gang whose stated goal is putting someone’s head on their piano. These villains are lead by Robert Z’dar, who will hopefully reinforce any piano he plans to put his own prodigious cranium on top of. Decapitations, explosions, poorly subbed in stunt doubles, mangled dialogue, prominent lion heads, and unfortunate banana hammocks abound in this extremely eighties-y nineties movie. Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and Alfonso Rafael Federico Sebastian for Samurai Cop!
S01E220 - 08/04/2016 - Cyber Tracker
Cyber Tracker! No, it’s not a spyware killing program from the early 2000s that, when downloaded, actually adds MORE spyware to your computer. This Cyber Tracker is a robot policeman designed through a shady collaboration between the shady government and a shady corporation, and those usually work out pretty well in movies. But this isn’t just any Terminator knockoff, it’s far weirder than that. Taking on the vaguely cyborg, not-vaguely hairless menace is Don “The Dragon” Wilson. Don “The Dragon” is an actual martial arts expert but not an actual dragon, or actor. He is a hired bodyguard, who immediately turns on his evil bosses when he notices he’s taking orders from an Australian bro with a permed mullet. Don “The D” escapes to join a revolutionary group headed by a newscaster who just happens to also be a top-level hacker because sure, why not. Will they fall for each other while tracking the Tracker? First Don will have to get over his lost wife, who only comes up occasionally and is maybe dead but maybe just left him because he sucks, you’ll have to watch to find out! Truly the Geo Tracker of 90s robot movies, with an ending you really, REALLY won’t see coming, log on with Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Cyber Tracker!
S01E221 - 29/04/2016 - Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
Many Hollywood insiders were baffled when Star Wars, a mildly popular franchise that has never rendered multiple generations of otherwise right-thinking people incapable of critical thought, announced a seventh movie. Over the past two decades, very little had been written on the internet about Star Wars, and almost nobody had expressed their enthusiasm about excruciatingly minor details of the franchise, so it seemed risky to make a brand new movie. There was a strong chance it might be a massive failure and only make something like six billion dollars on its opening weekend. Any naysayers were of course proven wrong, likely buried beneath a pile of t-shirts which, get this: mashed up aspects of Star Wars and other pop culture franchises. (They thought of everything folks!) The Force Awakens was a massive hit. Experts estimate that the value of BB-8 merchandise thrown away thus far is more than the Fantastic Four movie made last summer. Those same experts went on to point out that maybe we shouldn’t be buying so much Star Wars crap when the average household income worldwide is well under ten thousand dollars, but we inserted our earplugs that look like Lor San Tekka so they couldn’t harsh our buzz. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the movie event to end all movie events: grainy home video footage of Bib Fortuna’s retirement party. Er, I mean, Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Additional contributors: Conor Lastowka - Senior Writer Sean Thomason - Senior Writer Contributing Writers: Molly Hodgdon, Jason Miller, Mike Schuster, and Joseph Scrimshaw
S01E222 - 13/05/2016 - Arachnia
Yes, Arachnia, for people who want a goofy spider movie but find the word Arachnophobia a couple syllables too long. As is required in Edgewood films, it all begins with a light plane crash. (TIP: if you ever find yourself living in the Edgewood film universe, stick to big planes, the little ones will only get you in trouble.) This particular crash brings this particular crew of non-actors to a little remote cabin in a little remote place that claims to be somewhere near Arizona but sure looks a lot like Vermont. (Another tip: if you find yourself living in the Edgewood film universe, no matter where you think you are, you are actually in Vermont.) The macho pilot, sleazy horndog scientist, stoner idiot grad student, smart assistant and some impossibly stupid undergrad eye candy meet up with a grizzly old coot in this convention of not-quite-right stock characters. They’ll wage war against the massive spider monsters who threaten their lives and the very limits of what qualifies as “stop-motion animation.”
S01E223 - 20/05/2016 - Hillbillys in a Haunted House
When three hillbillies on their way to Nashville take a detour and end up in a haunted house, most critics stop reading after that sentence and immediately assign the movie whatever grade is several grades lower than the lowest grade they’ve ever given out. Shamelessly cashing in on the Hillbillly Craze of ‘67, Hillbillys in a Haunted House finally gave country music fans what they had long been demanding: a movie where John Carradine interacts with a sweaty guy in a gorilla suit and is interrupted by the occasional hootenanny. It’s sort of like a country fried Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band with the Bee Gees replaced by the cast of Scooby Doo, but not that dignified. Warning: Contains extreme closeups of Lon Chaney Jr, the name “Ferlin Husky,” and misspelled words in the movie's own title.
S01E224 - 02/06/2016 - Game of Thrones: Season 1 Episode 1
Long before winter was coming, winter was… well, still coming. We’re taking it all the way back to the first episode of Game of Thrones! To a simpler time before [spoiler alert] killed [spoiler alert] and [spoiler alert] betrayed [spoiler alert] and [spoiler alert] severed [spoiler alert]'s [spoiler alert]. A time of direwolves, imps, and gratuitous nudity that would be screen-capped throughout the realm. The challenge begins: If we riff every episode before George RR finishes the next book, he has to buy us all our own Unsullied! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the premiere episode of Game of Thrones!
S01E225 - 17/06/2016 - The Last Shark
Mamma mia! Some Italian filmmakers decided to rip off Jaws! The Last Shark doesn’t have the acting talent or music score budget of the original, but it does have a substantially higher percentage of actors with mustaches! The town’s annual windsurfing regatta is threatened by the presence of a killer shark, and rather than do the sensible thing, cancel it and refund both the tickets they’ve sold, the town presses onward. The result: extremely hilarious shark attack special effects! Tell Mrs. Kintner to stop mourning and get her slappin' hand ready, it’s The Last Shark!
S01E177 - 25/04/2014 - Sisters of Death
A game of Russian roulette at a sorority initiation goes tragically awry: one of the guns does not kill the pledge! The other one does. We gather that was supposed to happen. Sisters of Death; it’s right there in the sorority name after all. What were you expecting, a pimp and ho mixer with Delta house? But it turns out that the father of the girl who dies is a total drama queen about his “daughter” being “murdered” and decides to go all Liam Neeson in Taken on her sorority sisters. Well, not exactly like Liam Neeson in Taken. He doesn’t so much kick butt as he does lure people to a luxury vacation rental where he provides them with free booze and a pool. And he doesn’t issue chilling phone threats about his set of skills as much as he plays the flute. But he has a spider! We think... It may have just been in the house already when he rented it. When the girls start dropping one by one, they start to realize that maybe accepting money from a complete stranger to get in the car with two other complete strangers (one of whom has a complete distrust of light bulbs) for no specified reason may not have been a wise idea. It’s up to them to find out who’s behind this scheme (the dead girl’s father) and why he wants them all dead (because they killed his dead daughter.) Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they pledge Delta Gamma and get initiated into the Sisters of Death!
S01E179 - 16/05/2014 - City of the Dead
Visit the scenic City of the Dead! Just up the road from the Village of the Damned and a hop, skip and a jump away from the Municipality of the Mildly Bloated. This is vintage horror stuff. A sleepy northeastern town, still under the shadow of the witchcraft trials it once held, a town that’s now somehow completely forgotten by the world despite existing in the middle of New England in the 1960s. Get out your vintage horror bingo card and prepare to check off things like “elderly gas station attendant who warns people not to go up that road.” Yes, all your favorite cliches are here! Speaking of vintage horror cliches: Christopher Lee! Before he was Saruman, before he was…*sigh*…Dooku, he was a professor of the occult with a penchant for sending pretty young female students off to dangerous, devil-worshipping towns. Might he turn out to be secretly evil? For your answer, we remind you again that this is Christopher Lee. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for a road trip to the City of the Dead! Because hey, it’s still gotta be better than Fort Worth.
S01E180 - 30/05/2014 - Zindy the Swamp Boy
Riding the tail end of the great Swamp Boy movie craze of the early 70s (see: Columbo the Swamp Boy, McCloud the Swamp Boy, Maude the Swamp Boy) Zindy the Swamp Boy effectively ended the genre. And for good reason: it violated one of the sacred tenants of the swamp boy genre: do not cast the annoying little kid who played Zindy as your swamp boy. Unfortunately, Zindy was cast in the movie because the director is his father, Rene Cardona Jr, who also made the previously RiffTrax-’d The Bermuda Triangle and Treasure of The Amazon. Unlike those movies, Zindy does not have a killer doll or a nazi hunting Donald Pleasance. It does however have a chimp that does the dishes, gator wrestling, and the world’s most deadly two square feet of quicksand. When Zindy’s grandfather discovers his son and daughter-in-law have been hospitalized, he does what we’d all do: flee the premises leaving them to die and guns down the man he believes is responsible. Then he gathers up their infant grandson and moves in with a chimp named Toribio. They move into the swamp, right? WRONG. Turns out Zindy the Swamp Boy is actually forbidden from entering the swamp, or more specifically the swamp zone. Yep, it’s that kind of movie. Sadly, Zindy also plays the flute, so you quickly begin to root for a quick outbreak of malaria to sweep through the swamp and all attached zones. Fortunately, the movie has an ending so wonderful that you’ll want to start the movie over as soon as it’s done, just to relive everything you just saw with the knowledge of where it’s leading. To say any more would be a disservice to you. Please watch, and experience Zindy The Swamp Boy for the first time.
S01E181 - 06/06/2014 - The Bride and the Beast
We’ve seen so many big screen weddings that they’ve begun to feel a touch cliched. Yes yes, the handsome husband sweeps the beautiful bride off her feet. Blah blah, he carries her over the threshold. Yada yada yada, he takes her down to the basement to meet the gorilla named Spanky that he keeps in a cage down there that he had never mentioned owning until that very moment. Etc etc, the chimp escapes and attacks the bride, triggering a relapse to a previous life when she lived as a gorilla herself, interrupted only when the husband guns Spanky down in cold blood. And then they return three of the extra fondue pots they got as wedding gifts. This is the plot of The Bride and the Beast as written by one Ed Wood. This time around, instead of balling it up in Albuquerque, our characters go on on a honeymoon in Africa. You might think that since a main character has revealed that she was a gorilla in a previous life, this might affect the plot in some way. At least they spend the majority of the movie around gorillas in some capacity. Clearly you have never seen an Ed Wood movie before. No my friend, the plot revolves around deadly tigers, which we think were the alien’s Plan 10. The tigers are played by Fake Bela Lugosi. The Bride and the Beast is full of bad gorilla suits, absurd stock footage, and last minute realizations that “Oh yeah, this was supposed to be about gorillas, wasn’t it?” Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for this RiffTrax of The Bride and the Beast.
S01E182 - 20/06/2014 - Jack the Giant Killer
The cheesy 1962 fantasy epic Jack the Giant Killer is back, in newly recorded studio form! This one’s got it all: stop motion dragons, a leprechaun who lives in a bottle, a Viking who turns into a dog… it’s like if your hyper little brother wrote and directed Game of Thrones. Not to be confused with the recent Jack the Giant Slayer (just kidding, we know you weren’t confused and likely forgot that remake existed until this very moment) this movie keeps it old school, and answers the question “what would Ray Harryhausen style special effects look like if you didn’t hire Ray Harryhausen?” It also answers the question “would it be funny if a leprechaun in a bottle kept yelling ‘SEIZE A BONE’?” with a resounding yes, yes that would be very funny. Originally riffed live in Nashville, now updated and recorded fresh and extra Giant-Killing-y, say “Be right there!” to Mike, Kevin, and Bill and join them in mourning Herla the Wizard (poor, sweet Herla) for the fun of Jack the Giant Killer!
S01E183 - 27/06/2014 - Yambaó
Yambaó! No, it’s not a dopey social media app you’d never heard of until it was purchased by Google for billions of dollars. Nor is it a miracle cleaning solution sold in 90s infomercials for only $19.99, including a bonus travel-sized tube of Yambaó. Yambaó, quite simply, is Yambaó, and there’s nothing else quite like Yambaó. It’s also entirely possible we just enjoy saying Yambaó. Yambaó (AKA Cry of the Bewitched, but why would you call it that when you can call it Yambaó) takes place on a sugarcane plantation in Cuba in the 1850s, and centers on the love triangle between a master, one of his slaves, and Yambaó, the mysterious dancing granddaughter of a sorceress who lives in the wilderness - yeah, we know, another one of those dang Cuban plantation witch love triangle movies we’re always doing. It’s weird, it’s fun, it’s flirty, there’s a cave granny with evil magic powers, it’s Yambaó!
S01E184 - 18/07/2014 - The Last Slumber Party
Slumber parties! What could be more terrifying?? Thrill as a rented movie is watched! Chill as a boy someone likes is called and hung up on!! Squirm as ice cream is devoured directly from the container!!! OK, maybe slumber parties are not actually that terrifying. The one featured in The Last Slumber Party, despite the presence of a scalpel toting psychopath is no exception to this rule. This is because any hint of terror that might arise from the idea of high schoolers being murdered is completely negated by the VHS video quality, amateur sound, and baffling dialogue such as “Who’d you think it was, Shelley Hack?” It’s the last day of school, and one thing is on everyone’s mind: whether or not they are talking to Shelley Hack. In order to solve this problem, they gather at a friend’s house, where the oblivious parents fail to notice that the boys sneaking in and out of the house are in fact d-bags. All is good and stupid until an escaped lobotomy patient shows up and instantly becomes the most intelligent, well-mannered character in the movie. The fashion is 80s, the soundtrack is hair metal, the poster on the wall is inexplicably of Sesame Street, and the Shelley Hack references are more abundant than every other RiffTrax we’ve ever done combined. Slip into your footie pajamas and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for The Last Slumber Party! Original film made in 1988.
S01E226 - 22/07/2016 - Attack From Space
“Oh look, honey, we got something from Space!” “That’s nice, open it, what is it?” “Ugh, looks like it’s another stupid Attack.” “You know, I’ve just about had it with Space.” Attack from Space! Several Japanese sci-fi movies from the 50s, conveniently and nonsensically edited and repackaged into one American TV movie in the 60s. The system works! The aliens of the Emerald Planet, who are basically piles of shoeboxes wrapped in tin foil sitting at a table in space, are worried about their enemies the Sapphireans attacking Earth and taking over the whole dang universe. That’s right, Emeralds vs. Sapphires, there really aren’t enough gemstone based feuds in modern sci-fi. So naturally the Emerald guys summon Starman, a pudgy man in a tight, no-detail-spared unitard with a goofy antenna and a couple of guns. Not laser guns, just regular normal guns, for shooting people. Science fiction! Will Starman defeat the Sapphireans and save the universe? Can he destroy their Death Star? Do they really have a thing called the Death Star? Yes, they really do! Strap on your head-antenna and buckle your space diaper, it’s time to join Mike, Kevin and Bill for an Attack from Space!
S01E227 - 19/08/2016 - Ruby
Southern desperation, B-movie drive-in theaters, and the vengeance of the angry dead all come together in Ruby, honestly one of the weirdest things we’ve found in a long career of finding weird things. Ruby is a failed performer hanging on to her glory days, Baby Jane style (hey, whatever happened to her?). She also happened to help some gangsters kill the love of her life in a swamp 16 years ago this very night, but we’re sure that won’t come back to haunt her or anything. Now she and her pal, Stuart Whitman (of Night of the Lepus fame!), run a seedy theater and are sort of just generally professionally seedy, all the time. Everything’s great - well, as great as it can be running a drive-in next to a Florida swamp - until people start dying in spooky, albeit comical ways. Ruby is played by Piper Laurie, aka Carrie’s mom in Carrie, and she brings that same low-key subtle energy to this—we’re kidding, she shrieks and chews all the scenery and it’s great. The movie’s like somebody wrung out a filthy sponge all over a Tennessee Williams play, then added a heavy splash of The Exorcist. Oh, and there’s some Norman Bates stuff going on too! Ruby’s got it all, baby! Don’t miss it.
S01E228 - 09/09/2016 - Road House: Three-Riffer Edition
This is it – the best movie ever made about a world-famous bouncer and his epic struggle with the evil owner of the local J.C. Penney. Patrick Swayze is at his most shirtless as Dalton, a bouncer who is as comfortable quoting Zen aphorisms as he is kicking drunken men in the head. The incomparable Sam Elliot is hilarious as Swayze's grizzled but lovable mentor, growling out lines like "I'll sleep when I'm dead," and running his weathered hand through his long, gray, greasy hair. And Kevin Tighe (of Lost) as the owner of the titular roadhouse delivers one of the strangest performances ever committed to film. 100% new riffs with all three riffers
S01E230 - 21/10/2016 - The Walking Dead: Season 1 Episode 1
You asked for it, now it’s here: the relentless, all-devouring horde that is our riff of The Walking Dead! This is a riff of the very first episode. It’s a good time for fans of the show to revisit, as the new season is just about to start, and 3 or 4 more prequels and spinoff series are presumably being prepared. And for non-fans, it’s a good time to watch for the first time and wonder why all those fans are such fans! Unlike other zombie stuff you’ve seen, the zombies in The Walking Dead… hmm. Uh… well, they walk. They’re dead. There’s some kind of virus, probably. Oh, someone wakes from a coma to discover the world has changed, that’s new, right? No? That’s also not new? Hm. Well there is a lengthy discussion of why women don’t turn off light switches at the beginning of the episode, that part’s probably new, at least! Pick up a 2X4 with a nail in it, boil that copy of the Zombie Survival Guide you never actually read for stew, and shut yourself inside with Mike, Kevin, and Bill as we all try to survive The Walking Dead!
S01E229 - 11/10/2016 - Astro-Zombies
Dead bodies are disappearing and being reanimated as horrible undead ghouls! Who could be responsible? The undercover Air Force investigator? The burlesque dancer? The local mad scientist who has sworn revenge on a society that has forsaken him and even has his own personal Igor? Uh, probably the last one. Why was this even a question? Reuniting Tom “The Kid” Pace with his Girl in Gold Boots director Ted V. Mikels, Astro-Zombies are neither zombies nor the dog from The Jetsons. The film also stars John Carradine, who aged approximately 92 years in the 28 years between The Grapes of Wrath and this movie. Astro-Zombies is the type of schlockfest that will have you gasping “Wait, how long has this lab scene been going on? They just showed the assistant turning that dial. Wait, now they’re showing it again??”
S01E231 - 28/10/2016 - Daredevil: Season 1 Episode 1
Matt Murdock was blinded in a tragic accident so now he’s really good at kicking guys. Evidently the blindness isn’t really much of an issue, because he lives in Hell’s Kitchen, a neighborhood where 95% of the buildings permanently have their lights dimmed to a cinematically noirish level. Murdock will never be able to see another sunset, the faces of his loved ones, or the terrible Ben Affleck version of Daredevil, so things are looking up. He has no choice but to become The Man Without Fear in order to take out The Kingpin, a villain so sinister he does not actually appear in this episode. Instead you get Foggy. Maybe you should blind yourself too. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they Marvel at Daredevil! Additional contributors: Conor Lastowka - Senior Writer Sean Thomason - Senior Writer
S01E232 - 04/11/2016 - Honor and Glory
Honor and Glory - they’re not just Mike’s brand new knuckle tattoos, they’re the subject of this 90s martial arts movie that’s so magically inept it borders on the surreal. It’s like a child’s finger painting of what a big 90s action movie should be, except with much less innocence and way more hair grease, unmotivated rage, and “dime-store pimps” involved in major nuclear arms deals. In short, we really love this movie. The story, as far as we can tell: two sisters, one an FBI agent and the other a news reporter, both way into kicking and punching - don’t worry, they go out of their way to clarify which sister is Honor and which one is Glory - are out to take down the villainous Jason Slade. Jason Slade is the richest, most powerful man in the world, despite the fact he looks like a buff 14-year-old and does business from an office that an HR manager at a regional bottling plant would find insultingly small. On his side is the world’s greatest bodyguard, who is such a blatant imitation of Beverly Hills Cop-era Eddie Murphy you’ll find yourself waiting for that song to kick in every time he’s on screen. All that, and so much more to love. We didn’t even mention the hammock-jumping! Treat yourself right, sit back with Mike, Kevin, and Bill and savor the glory that is, well, Honor and Glory!
S01E233 - 18/11/2016 - Jurassic World
They say you can never go back again. Jurassic World proves that you can, as long as you go there in a Mercedes-Benz SUV, prominently feature that SUV in several shots, and generally keep your expectations lower than the hanging belly of a CGI stegosaurus. Jurassic World pays homage to the original Jurassic Park by constantly reminding you that you are not watching Jurassic Park, and that you sure wish you were watching Jurassic Park, or even the 90s ABC family sitcom Dinosaurs, instead. Fortunately, we are here to help! And so is Chris Pratt, doing his best to fill the complicated role of Running Guy. And Bryce Dallas Howard, doing an admirable job as No-Nonsense Businesswoman Who Has Apparently Never Even Heard Of Children And Gosh Does She Have Some Big Lessons To Learn About What’s Important In Life. There are also a couple of little boys you will forget about 5 minutes after the movie ends. Hold onto your butts, say a quick prayer to Goldblum, and laugh the crimes against nature and film away with Mike, Kevin, and Bill. It’s Jurassic World!
S01E234 - 02/12/2016 - Deadly Prey
Deadly Prey is the kind of budget badassery you’ve come to expect from the guy who donned a mesh belly shirt to play David Carradine’s son in Future Zone. Align your desk grenades properly, then join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for 80s action cheese at its ripest.
S01E236 - 22/12/2016 - Christmas Circus with Whizzo the Clown!
Our Christmas special this year stars Whizzo the Clown. Whizzo’s not one of your big, flashy, Hollywood clowns who relies on clichés like “scripts” or “coherency.” Whizzo’s got huge, gross feet, a terrible catchphrase, and he’s ready to fly some kids to the North Pole on his streamer-powered magic carpet. And yes, for this movie, that qualifies as a plot description. After thirty seconds with Whizzo, you’ll find yourself thinking, “Yeah, I can see where The Grinch was coming from.” Or maybe, “You know, Mr. Potter had some good ideas…” In fact, it might just be the movie to turn your coulrophobia into pantophobia! RiffTrax Christmas Circus also features a short about Christmas trees that have human faces and communicate psychically with houseplants before dying and going to tree heaven. It is by far the most normal, sane part of this Christmas special.
S01E238 - 10/02/2017 - Replica
The bar is impossibly high, but Replica might just be the strangest of the Nguyen trilogy. Yes, we’re using the term trilogy, because there is no term for “set of 3 movies with the same basic nonsense plot and characters but slightly different Hitchcock-inspired science fiction premise each time.” All the tropes are here: cars gradually pulling out of a very familiar driveway, office meetings about business deals with large round figures, dates between charmless humans who seem to be learning to speak for the first time. But this time, instead of birds angry about global warming or virtual reality romance snafus, the issue is CLONING. Human organ cloning, whole human cloning, all handled with the scientific accuracy and moral sensitivity we’ve come to expect from this film auteur. And happening on digital “sets” less realistic than a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper. Complete with performances by some of our favorites in the Nguyen repertoire of actors, like Nathalie’s mom, that one business guy, and footage of Tippi Hedren playing on a TV during a scene!
S01E240 - 10/03/2017 - Ator, The Fighting Eagle
Miles O’Keeffe, everyone’s favorite Cave Dweller from the MST3K episode of the same name, is back, and he’s Cave Dwell-ier than ever! Miles reprises his role as the dopey well-coiffed warrior Ator, which is pronounced all different kinds of fun ways depending on which chopped-up segment of dubbed Italian cinema you happen to be looking at. This installment gives us Ator’s origin, and boy is it creepy! Suffice to say the first thing we learn about Ator is that he wants to marry his sister, and, uh, everybody is pretty much fine with that. Everybody except the evil spider priest, who is mostly focused on gently caressing spiders in the abandoned community college amphitheater he calls home. Does the evil spider priest call to mind the evil snake priest from the popular Conan the Barbarian, released shortly before this movie? No! Of course not! What a strange question! Ator goes on a quest to save his sister-wife and continue their morally questionable marriage, with the aid of a bear cub who is sometimes there but a lot of times not there, for unexplained reasons. Also unexplained: why the movie is called Ator, the Fighting Eagle or what a “Fighting Eagle” is. The phrase seriously never comes up at all. Strap into your animal skin hang glider and soar to new depths with Mike, Kevin, and Bill. It’s Ator, the Fighting Eagle!
S01E242 - 21/04/2017 - Grizzly
Some movies are labors of love, the product of a singular vision and a lifetime of hard work. And sometimes, a guy just says “Make Jaws, but with a bear.” A rogue bear is attacking campers! This means that the director films a bear, then a camper in a completely different state, then cuts back and forth between them until a shot where a fake bear paw swats an even faker severed arm in front of the camera. That’s filmmaking baby! Despite this vicious animal running amok, the head of the park refuses to shut it down? Why? Because he’s bitter he doesn’t get to wear a sweet anchor jacket like Murray Hamilton! Starring Bart The Bear’s mother, last seen duking it out with Leslie Nielsen in Day of the Animals, Grizzly will make you say “Smile you son of a sow*!” *a sow is a female bear
S01E243 - 04/05/2017 - Star Wars: Rogue One
For years, most movies that came out were not about the Death Star. Lots of people were OK with this, it meant we got movies like The Godfather, Point Break, and The Stoned Age. This evidently changed in 2015 however, and now every movie must relate in some way to the construction or destruction of a Death Star. This has led to a few odd choices, like the 2016 sequel to The Adventures of Milo and Otis, which critics called “tonally baffling” and “supposed to be about a puppy and kitten, why?” It’s worked out slightly better for The Force Awakens and Rogue One. Rogue One tells the story of a plucky band of upstarts who bring us the long awaited answer to one of the deepest mysteries in the Star Wars universe: what exactly was Jabba the Hutt’s toilet situation? As they seek out the answer to this disgusting riddle, they stumble across the plans to the Death Star and set in motion forty years of wildly disposable Star Wars parodies and tributes. Mon Mothma plays a major role for some reason. Mike, Kevin, Bill, and the reanimated likenesses of several actors who signed the wrong thing before they died team up to riff the latest chapter in the neverending Star Wars saga: Rogue One!
S01E244 - 19/05/2017 - Star Games
Star Games! If you’ve ever asked what it would be like if Greydon Clark, the infamous director of Final Justice and Angels' Revenge, tried his hand at a science fiction movie… well, then maybe your question somehow willed this movie into existence. And maybe you owe the universe an apology. But, since you asked, what IS it like when Greydon Clark makes a science fiction movie? Here are some highlights: --A holographic clown that runs a spaceship in the style of knockoff Robin Williams --Tony Curtis as a space emperor with a New York accent --Greydon’s two non-actor sons in the lead roles, because why not --The most fearsome alien in the movie is a bear hanging out in the woods --Yeah that’s right, there’s a bear --We only do movies with bears in them now All that, plus a major plot revolving around a boy’s insulin schedule! Star Games really pushes the boundaries of the genre, and the boundaries of child labor laws in regard to casting your own children in a movie. Go to infinity and beyond (or at least, a forest) and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for some Star Games!
S01E245 - 02/06/2017 - Missile X: The Neutron Bomb Incident
A nuclear missile has been stolen! The fate of the planet hangs in the balance! There’s only one thing to do: send an aging Peter Graves to Iran and imply that beautiful women half his age are somehow attracted to his lumbering! The stolen missile has been transported to a Tehran Casino where the bad guys are storing it in a room next to the craps tables. It sounds ridiculous, but in fact The Luxor had a nuclear missile room too. They eventually converted it into the theater for the Blue Man Group. Defying all odds, the lead mad scientist is played by John Carradine, who in a shocking twist occasionally seems to be vaguely aware of where he is. Or perhaps he just had a little too much metamucil that day. Regardless, critics called it his finest performance in decades.
S01E246 - 09/06/2017 - Uninvited
Uninvited is a horror movie written and directed by Star Games and Final Justice mastermind Greydon Clark, so it’s not surprising that Greydon Clark put himself in the movie. What is surprising? Pretty much everything else. There’s a killer cat on the loose, but only sort of on the loose, because the killer cat lives INSIDE of another, larger cat. That fuzzy tabby escapes Greydon’s lab into the world, where it occasionally barfs out the killer cat within to deliver nasty low-budget feline death. Meanwhile, a sleazy rich criminal lures some Spring break college babes and their friends onto his yacht for a voyage. The voyage is to complete a big high-risk criminal deal, so why does he want random college partiers along for the ride? Because he likes watching girls do Jazzercise. No, really, that’s the whole reason. Also along for the ride? GEORGE KENNEDY! Yes, Oscar winner George Kennedy is here, because no great character actor wants to retire without a Greydon Clark film under his belt. Oh, and the killer cat is on the yacht too, along with the bigger cat it lives inside of like a Russian doll. It’s terror on the high seas, Garfield style, and no lasagna or human is safe. Wondering if any of Greydon Clark’s family show up in this movie, like in Star Games? If you know to ask that question, you already know the answer. Invite yourself along and yacht away with Mike, Kevin, and Bill, it’s Uninvited!
S01E248 - 28/07/2017 - Game of Thrones: Season 3 Episode 9
Weddings are a joyous occasion, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t without annoyances! Travel is expensive, figuring out seating can be awkward, and sometimes the host ritually executes the entire family of the groom. Yes, it’s the Red Wedding, the episode of the series that is famous for killing off a bunch of characters that shocked viewers by killing off a bunch of characters. More people might have seen it coming, but they were too busy saying “Hey, isn’t that the guy who played Filch?” Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, Old Nan, Hot Pie, Reznak mo Reznak, Marvin K. Mooney, The Bear, and The Maiden Fair for Season 3, Episode 9 of "Game of Thrones" - The Rains of Castamere!
S01E251 - 01/09/2017 - Miami Connection
It's the same script from one of our favorite live shows, without the crowd and occasional shots of the lovely mugs of Mike, Kevin and Bill! If you put everything about the 80s in a blender, then somehow ran the resulting smoothie through a translator that only speaks languages from another dimension, what you’d wind up with still wouldn't be half as hilarious, weird, and oddly charming as Miami Connection. It's 1987, and the Biker Ninjas behind the Miami drug trade are finding themselves facing the newest heroes in town: the Taekwondo-loving rock band Dragon Sound! They'll focus all of their black belt skills, alongside performing their hit songs "Friends" and "Against the Ninja" at a popular Orlando night club - to end the threat of Ninja Biker violence once and for all! For the first time riffed in the studio, it's Miami Connection!
S01E255 - 30/11/-0001 - Star Wars Episode VII: The Rise of Skywalker
S01E247 - 14/07/2017 - The Little Unicorn
The Little Unicorn is a tale of whimsy, fantasy, and extremely generous definitions of the word “little.” Turns out making CGI little unicorns is way more difficult than strapping a horn to a regular horse and shining a blue spotlight on it, so the unicorn in question remains little for maybe fifteen seconds of screen time. When reports of a regular-sized unicorn surface in the English countryside, all the local scumbags are seeing dollar signs. Evidently a completely normal in stature unicorn is something that could make a regional circus owner a millionaire, instead of being the type of thing your average person glances at and goes “Huh” before heading to the concession stand to see if circus peanuts are still as gross as they remember. (They are.) And since your pre-teen daughter is no doubt pulling on your sleeve and demanding to know, YES, OF COURSE George Hamilton is in this movie!. He stars as the unicorn’s leather saddle. Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and a whole bunch of those sparkly puffy unicorn stickers you get for a quarter from the machines after the checkout stands in the grocery store for The Little Unicorn!
S01E252 - 15/09/2017 - Merlin the Return
Merlin, the legendary wizard is stuck inside a terrible nether dimension. Meanwhile, the former stars of Wayne’s World, Highlander, and The Young Ones are stuck in a terrible movie about Merlin, the legendary wizard.
58 épisodes
S02E50 - 22/03/2019 - She Demons
A hurricane strands spoiled rich girl Jeri and crewmates Fred and Sammy when their yacht runs aground on a remote island. They soon discover a tribe of beautiful women held captive by Nazis, led by mad scientist Col. Osler. Osler is conducting experiments to transfer the women's beauty onto his disfigured wife - and the lovely Jeri could be next. As if things couldn’t get any worse, a volcano is about to blow and the U.S. Air Force is test bombing the island. Join Bridget and Mary Jo as they take on the worst kind of demons - She Demons!
S02E36 - 07/04/2017 - Angel's Revenge
Take off your bra, perm your hair, and shine your love! Bridget and Mary Jo take you back in time to riff the 1979 classic Angel's Revenge. If you like slapstick crime dramas starring girls in bikinis with feathered bangs AND cast members from "Gilligan's Island," then this is the riff for you! Don’t have crisis of confidence - invest in RiffTrax and laugh your way to 1980.
S02E01 - 08/05/2008 - Dark Water
Water... the most dangerous of the elements. Except for fire. Or earth, if you happen to get caught in a landslide. Then, there's air, too. Remember that Gary Larson cartoon where some poor bastard is skydiving, pulls the ripcord and a grand piano comes out instead of a parachute? And let's not forget lightning. Actually, lightning might not be one of the elements. Let me check on Wikipedia and get back to you on that. Sorry, drifted a little there. Where were we? Oh, yeah – water. Deadlier by far than your regular water, it seems, is Dark Water. It can make people act in strange ways, such as encouraging Hollywood executives to greenlight far too many remakes of superior Japanese horror movies. Just as well, then, that this version of Dark Water is packed to the seams with today's top acting talent. Talent such as... that chick who won the Oscar for that movie... that guy who looks like he was grown from one of Ned Beatty's scabs... that English guy who always plays Americans... and that other English guy who always plays Americans. Anyway, it's a quality product, and you're guaranteed to walk out of the movie theatre humming.* RiffTrax is proud to present Matthew Elliott riffing on Jennifer Connelly’s wettest and darkest opus. *Provided you took your iPod with you.
S02E02 - 28/05/2008 - Star Trek New Voyages: To Serve All My Days
Continuing in the fine tradition of aftermarket sci-fi Series accessories, Rifftrax Presents is proud once again to jump into the fan-licious world of Star Trek Phase II – or Star Trek New Voyages, which appears to be the series’ maiden name. It’s the amazing all-volunteer fan-created continuation of Star Trek, the Original Series but has better sound, cornier corn, pointier Vulcans, paunchier paunches, Scottier Scotties, and it riffs like a dream. This time around, Riffers Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy pitch their pith at the episode To Serve All My Days, the story of a waitress in love with – no wait, that’s Waitress. This one features the character Pavel Chekov, who after a freak accident becomes the actor Walter Koenig, an affliction for which there is no cure. You get dueling Chekovs, pre-head-bulge Klingons, and a surprise ending that’ll have you standing up and shouting, “Well-it-they-what-the-hunh?” What are you waiting for? Beam it down, Snotty! Riff long and prosper!
S02E03 - 03/06/2008 - The X-Files: Fight the Future
Ladies and gentlemen, the Future has been pushing us all around long enough. We here at RiffTrax think it's high time we fight it! And who better to join our battle against That Which Is To Come than two maladjusted, mumbling FBI agents from a cancelled TV show? Yes, in anticipation of this summer's decade-later sequel, RiffTrax Presents takes on this first X-Files movie... which evidently had little success in fighting the future, since, you know, we're IN that future. And this future still contains Hot Pockets. (...Yeah, real ace work, future-fighting 1998 people!) Bill Corbett (a.k.a. Burrito Eating Man) is joined by former MST3K colleague and current Cinematic Titanic diva Mary Jo Pehl (a.k.a. Nap Taking Woman) in their attempt to decipher just what the hell Duchovny is saying. Does this man's contract stipulate that he be allowed a mouthful of porridge on set, at all times? Join us and find out!
S02E04 - 28/05/2008 - House of Wax
Stop anybody on the street and ask them what their favourite Paris Hilton movie is, and chances are they'll say: “Is this a real survey? Why don't you have a pen or a clipboard? Oh my God, are you mugging me? Please, take everything, just don't hurt me!” Or they might, just might reply: “House of Wax”. I'm pretty certain Vincent Price is dead, so I can say with tolerable confidence that this remake of his 1953 classic would cause him to turn over in his grave. I'm not sure why, it's just something the dead are supposed to do when they're ticked off – when Bill O'Reilly finally throws a seven, he'll most likely come close to perpetual motion. But the sight of the insufferable, uber-spoilt heiress being stalked by a raving psycho intent on ramming a metal pole through her skull isn't the only reason for watching this movie. OK, it is the only reason, but damned if it ain't a good one. If they could've found a way to work it into Norbit, I would've watched that, too. In fact, it'd make the basis of a terrific reality series. Excuse me, I have to put in a call to Fox...
S02E05 - 08/05/2008 - Star Trek New Voyages: World Enough and Time
Rifftrax is boldly going where no Rifftrax has gone before, and it’s not just a hokey cliché, we really mean it! Rifftrax Presents veteran riffers Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, beaning on (or is it “beaming?” I can never remember) the most ambitious exercise in fan fiction since that really good Civil War reenactment! These are sumptuously produced “new episodes” of the original Star Trek series, authentically detailed and produced by Trek fans, yet with the beefy swagger of a roomful of Shatners. Rifftrax Presents: Star Trek: Phase II: World Enough and Time! A title that has more colons than a gastroenterologist’s waiting room, and also contains more delicious hamming than Smithfield, Virginia at Easter. Original Series veteran George Takei reprises his role as Sulu, but as an older Sulu, due to a spontaneous fluctuation in the space-time…Okay, it doesn’t really matter, does it? It has Sulu, pretty women, pretty men, time-warping, and enough wigs to fill Phyllis Diller’s closet.
S02E06 - 13/05/2008 - Saw
Not since Beckett’s immortal Waiting for Godot has the drama of two men locked in a filthy bathroom and brutalized by a crude ventriloquist dummy on television captured the hearts of audiences everywhere. RiffTrax Presents Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett riffing on the original, jaw-splitting, skull-drilling, Danny Glover-ing, fat naked dead man-showing movie that started it all, if by “all” you mean a five-movie franchise that’s now as tired as Bruce Willis at the end of 16 Blocks. PARENTAL ADVISORY!!!: The Movie Saw is rated R for its extremely graphic and grisly violence and excessively foul language. This RiffTrax is intended for Mature Audiences only. Parental discretion not only is strongly advised, it just makes plain good common sense.
S02E07 - 10/06/2008 - Alien
Hey you young whippersnappers -- you thought that "Alien" was just Predator's sparring partner, didn't you? Not so, Padawans. "Alien" (who, in a series of HUGE coincidences, happens to BE an alien, AND stars in the movie ALIEN! Weird!!) first took Hollywood by storm during the heady, Jimmy Carter-filled days of 1979....back when a long, long pan over a hot-glued spaceship miniature made the first generation of geeks wheeze in delight, and reach for their inhalers. ALIEN starred a pair of plain white underpants worn by a young, little-known actress named Sigourney Weaver.... who later went on to start in ALIENs 2 though 37. (The underpants retired to Sedona, AZ. shortly after filming.) It also featured a pre-Hobbit Sir Ian Holm, a pre-wand-wizard John Hurt, and a pre-Mormon Mafioso Harry Dean Stanton. And you'll never forget Bursty, the impish-but-loveable little chestbursting alien baby! Join Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy as they riff on this sci-fi / horror / underpants classic.
S02E08 - 05/09/2008 - Spider-Man 2
Of all the movies made in the last eleven years, only one could bravely fill the gap between Spider-Man and Spider-Man 3. That film, of course, is The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing. However, in order to satisfy the purists in the audience, Rifftrax Presents presents our very special riff on Spider-Man 2. This time, young Peter Parker must choose between the brave yet thankless life of a shadowy crime-fighter in a groin-crushing leotard, or the life of a relentless, uncle-killing failure who makes Jonah Hill look like Stone Cold Steve Austin. Alfred Molina co-stars as Doctor Octavius, AKA Doc Ock, AKA a man who ought never ever be seen with his shirt off. Kirsten Dunst returns as the pale ginger werewolf MJ, and Rosemary Harris sizzles as the sassy, sexy Aunt May. Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy welcome special guest-riffer Josh Fruhlinger, the legendary Comics Curmudgeon, author of one of the web’s most irreverent and popular blogs (check him out at http://joshreads.com). Josh has made it his life's mission to survey, and hurl invective at the daily comic strip page, and he knows more about Mary Worth than any living soul, a thought which ought to send chills down your spine. Join us as Josh brings his rapier wit and encyclopedic comic strip knowledge to this favorite of the Spider-Man series, and we promise you'll never have more fun watching a man jump around in tight clothes.
S02E09 - 16/09/2008 - The Day After Tomorrow
Leave your Prius in the garage and cash out your carbon debts! It's time to watch the end of the world, which is our fault of course, as RiffTrax Presents Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy's razor-sharp political analysis of The Day After Tomorrow - which, by my reckoning, at least for today, may also be called Friday (day of the week may vary in your area; check your local calendar). Director Roland Emmerich lends his usual subtle style to this story of a world in which we should constantly feel guilty for driving to get the pizza instead of walking. Dennis Quaid stars as hard-driven scientist Harrison Ford, who discovers that a humble meteorologist, given enough power, can kill us all. Jake Gyllenhaaaal sizzles as the guy they get when Toby Maguire is busy, and his congenital smirk lights up the screen. Ian Holm adds the weensy bit of English charm that makes the other performances go down like overdone rump roast. An ethnically balanced mob of nobodies rounds out the cast, but a special mention is merited for Kenneth Welsh, who plays a Cheney-esque Vice President so bilious, so bitter and acrid, that his performance actually eats a hole in the floor.
S02E10 - 23/09/2008 - Dirty Dancing
Ah, the summer of 1963—and what better place to spend it than with your family in the Catskills, dancing with the guy from Road House to pop songs from the 80’s! An oily Patrick Swayze, naïve Jennifer Grey and Jennifer Grey’s old nose star in this beloved(?) musical dramedy choreographed by Kenny “High School Musical” Ortega. Also starring Law & Order’s Jerry Orbach (who’s around so much dance murder he should be on the case) and a pre-Seinfeld Wayne Knight, this is the film that will make you think twice about putting your baby in ANY corner. You’ll have the time of your life (or at least be glad you have one) watching this 80’s classic that holds up about as well as a paper mache bridge with Kirstie Alley crossing it. Join Cole Stratton (Who?) and Janet Varney (Wha?) as they try to look on the bright side* and deconstruct this celebration of dance and watermelon-carrying. *film could have been Mannequin or Freejack.
S02E11 - 10/04/2009 - Die Hard
Only one film dared to confront the twin menaces facing America during the 1980s—terrorism and aggressive male-pattern baldness—and that film is Die Hard. So it's fortunate that I'm writing about that particular movie, or something would seem to have gone terribly, terribly wrong—like an emu wearing a Stetson, or anything involving Tom Green. This fearless fly-on-the-wall documentary charts the everyday struggles of vest-wearing cop John McClane, a man who swears like a longshoreman with tourettes and who, we imagine, has real problems getting insurance coverage for any aspect of his life, since he can't seem to walk across the street to use the automatic teller without becoming involved in some sort of automatic weapon-related unpleasantness. When Alan Rickman takes John's annoying big-haired wife hostage, only one response is appropriate. But instead of sitting on the couch in his underwear, scratching himself and watching Phil Donahue, McClane improbably decides to rescue her. And the surprises don't end there! Unless you've seen any action movie made since Die Hard, in which case, they pretty much do.
S02E12 - 26/05/2009 - Tron
Have you ever wondered what the inside of a computer looks like? So did Disney, and it’s pretty clear they didn’t do any research when they made Tron. RiffTrax invites you to join internet superstar Jonathan Coulton and less-famous-but-still-kind-of-funny comedy/music duo Paul and Storm on their adventure through a luminous blue world of phallic helmets, light-up Frisbees and tight white unitards. A pre-Dude Jeff Bridges stars as a hotshot video game programmer who gets laser beamed into the world’s dullest rave by David Warner’s evil supercomputer. Cindy Morgan, fresh from the Denise Richards school of unlikely scientists, maybe has a thing for Bruce Boxleitner, who I think is really good at playing this one motorcycle game or something? We can’t say for sure, there were a lot of flashing lights and Casio synth music and we kind of fell asleep for a little while. One thing is certain: beneath the silly costumes and bad CGI there’s a powerful message about humanity, communication and freedom, not to mention a studio executive whose creative judgment was impaired by a bad case of Pac-Man fever. Insert coin to continue.
S02E13 - 25/06/2009 - Ghost
If messy wet clay and the brothers Everly are your idea of foreplay, look no further than this Jerry Zucker-directed (yes, THAT Jerry Zucker) surprise smash hit of 1990. Test your credulity as our beloved Patrick Swayze trades in his dirty dancin' shoes and his blue collar bartending meat hooks to give a turn in the role he was destined to play: an intelligent, educated, high-powered account executive. Feel his pain when he is prematurely ripped away from Demi Moore while she is upstaged by her own Hobbit haircut. Drown in misery as you discover that the only way he can communicate with her is through a scenery-gnawing con woman. But cheer up! You also get to feast your eyes on some of cinema's worst special effects in the form of crudely animated shadow demons.* Cole Stratton and Janet Varney return for another Swayze classic with Ghost, a movie cloaked in profound questions about the existence of an afterlife, whether the living can communicate with the dead, and how in the world Whoopi Goldberg ended up with an Oscar. *We are not referring to Tony Goldwyn.
S02E14 - 09/07/2009 - The Running Man
Are you ready for running? LOTS of running? Running done by…a man? Then you’re ready for The Running Man, the 1987 Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle, a movie so powerful that it launched the political careers of two of its stars! Yes, I’m talking about Yaphet Kotto and Professor Toru Tanaka. Didn’t know they were governors, did you? Welcome to the many surprises that The Running Man has in store for you. It’s 2018 and helicopter pilot and ESL language coach Ben Richards has just been framed for a crime he refused to commit. He escapes from prison, gets captured again and is forced to participate in a sadistic game show where he must fight for his very life! It’s pretty dystopian. Thrill! – as Arnold outwits and overpowers various cartoon-like stalkers with names like “Dynamo” and “Buzzsaw”. Squint! – as you try to understand the barely-comprehensible gibberish that spews out of Maria Conchita Alonzo’s mouth. Laugh! – as Jesse Ventura minces around in what is surely the gayest role of his career. The Running Man has something for everyone. Plus it has Richard Dawson playing the villain, a performance that can only be described as “Regis-esque”. Come join us as Matt, Aaron and special guest Chad Vader riff on this 80s sci-fi classic. Why is Chad Vader riffing a non-star-wars movie, you ask? Well, he’s got a lot of free time.
S02E15 - 30/09/2009 - Batman Forever
Have you ever worried that your favorite super hero might be nothing more than a passing fad? Well, Joel Schumacher is here to put your mind at ease with a film that he based on a slogan he once heard some kids shout after leaving Tim Burton's Batman film: Batman Forever*. A movie so terrible that we still don't understand why people were surprised at how bad Batman & Robin was. Val Kilmer, fresh from his declining career, dons the pointy-eared rubber man suit. He's aided by Chris O'Donnell, fresh from his separate, but equally declining career, as Robin, the "not quite a boy, not quite a man" wonder. Nicole Kidman surprises everyone by proving she doesn't need Tom Cruise to make bad career choices and somehow actually having a career after this film. Tommy Lee Jones follows up his Oscar winning performance from The Fugitive as the scenery-chewing Two-Face, playing him as though he were a Dick Tracy villain. And finally, Jim Carrey appears as crossword puzzle writer Will Shortz, affectionately known around the office as "the Riddler". RiffTrax Presents is proud to bring you this riff by the team from THATGUYWITHTHEGLASSES.com. The GUY himself: Doug Walker, his brother Rob and perpetual hanger-on: Brian Heinz. Join them as they prove that Batman Forever isn't just a bad idea, it's also a bad movie. *Batman Forever does not, in fact, last forever. Effects typically last anywhere from one and a half to two hours; if effects last longer, please consult a physician. Batman Forever has not been approved by the FDA, and should be used only as directed.
S02E16 - 01/09/2009 - Planet of the Apes
If the movies have taught us nothing else—and plainly, they haven't?then they've at least shown us that astronauts and evil supercomputers are similarly cursed with a stunning lack of imagination. Just as Skynet can't seem to come up with a better plan than to repeatedly send a Terminator back in time to eliminate John Connor before he gets fat, starts wearing a checkered shirt and marries Roseanne, so, with all the planets in an infinite Universe to choose from, NASA's best and brightest only seem capable of crash-landing on the Planet of the Apes (which turns out to be Earth all along, by the way). Chuck Heston began this trend in 1968, demonstrating his right to bear arms as effectively as his right to bare chest. So, if you've ever felt the need to rail against unnamed maniacs who blow “it” up, this is your big chance to do it alongside the guy who played Jason Colby. Also Moses.
S02E17 - 05/11/2009 - Footloose
Let’s hear it for the boy! What boy? Why, Ren McCormack (Kevin Bacon, at his Baconiest), an outspoken, rebellious lad with anger dancing issues and feathered hair that would make Sally Jessy Raphael jealous. The small town of Beaumont, Texas isn’t ready for his skinny tie ways—certainly not the tall, awkward town preacher Shaw Moore (played by John Lithgow, in a…tall and awkward performance), who spearheaded a law banning dancing after a fatal accident. Can Ren bring some joy to the youth of Beaumont, like Carrie Bradshaw-in-training Sarah Jessica Parker? Can he bring any emotion or semblance of acting to romantic interest Lori Singer, literally the last actress in Hollywood to be offered the role of the Reverend’s daughter Ariel? Can he teach Chris Penn a myriad of ridiculous choreography all the while sharing a walkman blaring Kenny Loggins “music”? And what the heck is Dianne Wiest doing in this? Skewering this celebration of beat-up pickup trucks, mom jeans, shameless Coca-Cola product placement, and illegal rug-cutting are RiffTrax Presents regulars Cole Stratton (who was in Around The Fire with Stephen Tobolowsky, who was in Murder In The First with Kevin Bacon) and Janet Varney (who was in Catwoman with Sharon Stone, who was in He Said, She Said with Kevin Bacon). Everybody enjoy, everybody enjoy…everybody enjoy, everybody enjoy…everybody enjoy, everybody enjoy, everybody…everybody enjoy Footloose!
S02E18 - 13/11/2009 - Ghost Rider
Let us start by saying that Ghost Rider is the greatest movie ever made. The acting, direction, top-notch storytelling and awe-inducing special effects add up to what can only be called the most amazing achievement in the history of cinema. Please note: we are being forced to say this by Satan. You see, a few years ago we sold our souls to the devil so that Chad Vader would become famous. The Dark Lord kept his promise…but the Devil always gets his due, and we are now forced to reap the bitter fruits of our infernal alliance by watching and riffing the unholy turd known as Ghost Rider. Did I say unholy turd? Sorry, I meant the greatest movie ever made. Joining us is Nicolas Kage, a man who bears a striking resemblance to Nicolas Cage. Same person? A spawn of the underworld sent to torture us? Only Peter Fonda knows for sure.
S02E19 - 15/04/2010 - Poltergeist
1982 Tobe Hooper-directed/Steven Spielberg-produced supernatural tale in which the Freeling Family deals with some seriously messed up/crappily-rendered spirits that ghost-nap their young daughter Carol Anne, who communicates with them through a television set (unlike text messaging, which is all the rage with the kids nowadays). A pre-Coach Craig T. Nelson and a pre-, um, Poltergeist JoBeth Williams star alongside Beatrice “I got an Oscar for a 5-min and 40 second performance” Straight, a creepy bedside clown, a ravenous tree, buckets and buckets of Star Wars product placement, and everyone’s favorite lil’ clairvoyant, Zelda Rubinstein. Running towards the light to provide RiffTrax commentary are Janet Varney and Cole Stratton, who previously underwhelmed you with their RiffTrax Presents of Dirty Dancing, Ghost and Footloose. We promise it will be more entertaining than The Bounty Hunter (since everything is). Which dictionary did this definition come out of, anyway? Am I right, people?
S02E20 - 11/06/2010 - Armageddon
So many important historical events would have turned out so differently if people had only thought to voice their concerns when it really mattered. For example, the Amok Time episode of Star Trek would have had a running time of about 20 minutes if Kirk had said: “Listen, before we get started... this isn't to the death, is it? Similarly, just think how much happier we'd all be today if, back in the 1990s, Adam Sandler had said: “You will be honest, and tell me if my movie is an utter piece of crap, appealing only to the lowest common denominator, won't you?” And what if a giant asteroid were heading for the Earth, and the likelihood of the extermination of the entire human race was 100%, don't you wish someone at NASA would speak up and ask: “Look, I know we've got our hearts set on sending some obnoxious, illiterate roughnecks into space in the hope that they'll be able to drill a hole in it and detonate a nuclear weapon on a fault line the screenwriters neglected to mention 'til three-quarters of the way thru the movie... but does anyone agree that we should stop for just a millisecond and ask ourselves whether this is a remotely good idea??!!” This important question remains unasked during Armageddon's absurdly inflated running time*...until now. So join That English Guy(TM) as he considers this and other issues. And probably makes fun of Ben Affleck, too.
S02E21 - 04/07/2010 - The Lost Boys
Let’s get one thing straight: Vampires don’t sparkle in the sun; they burst into flame. Yes, they sleep all day, party all night, wear dangly earrings, ride motorbikes on the boardwalk and enjoy concerts by long-haired shirtless greasy saxophone players, but they JUST. DO. NOT. SPARKLE. Joel “Can we please stop talking about how I put nipples on the Batsuit?” Schumacher’s 1987 teen vamp flick The Lost Boys is everything Twilight wishes it could be and then some. SWOON over pretty boy Michael (Jason Patric) and his vamp nemesis David (Kiefer Sutherland, peroxided beyond recognition)! LAUGH at those wacky comic-book collecting vamp hunters The Frog Brothers (Corey Feldman, who probably doesn’t remember making this movie, and Jamison Newlander, who probably doesn’t get remembered for making this movie)! SCREAM at Corey Haim’s horribly dated wardrobe! And SIGH wondering why Dianne Wiest and Edward Herrmann signed on to be in this thing. Oh…and… something about Jami Gertz. Returning to the RiffTrax booth are Cole Stratton (who seriously loves this movie) and Janet Varney (who seriously loves that Cole seriously loves this movie). They hope you’ll give it a download…since they have so much at STAKE. Get it? Stake?* *Janet Varney wishes that it be known that she strongly disapproves of that last joke and that Cole takes full responsibility for it.** ** Cole Stratton is wearing sunglasses indoors and thinks it’s hilarious.
S02E22 - 08/10/2010 - Jaws 3
Et Tu, 3-D? What was once a fairly harmless novelty now seems to have taken over multiplexes across the country. Flying houses, animated dragons, Ga’hool Owls and unleashed Krakens are spilling off the screen, fatiguing our eyes and migraining our headaches. Waaaay back in 1983, audiences experienced a whole new kind of headache with the third installment in the should-never-have-been-a-franchise Jaws film series, in which a baby shark and its pissed-off momma spend more than one afternoon in SeaWorld and thus start eating people (I think we can all relate). If the effects department can’t stop them (and they try), then Dennis “Crap…I’m in this?” Quaid, Lea “Thank goodness Back to the Future is just around the corner” Thompson, and Louis “I JUST won an Oscar and chose to do this next” Gossett, Jr. will. And, yes, it’s all in eye-poppin’ THHHHHREEEEEEE DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD! Except…that it’s not. Not on your home DVD. But shhhhhhhhhh…it still thinks it is! Waiting ‘til it’s safe to go back in the water are frequent RiffTrax Presenters Cole Stratton and Janet Varney, who are going to need a much bigger boat to get through this not-so-great-great-white-flick that makes them long for the days of shirtless Patrick Swayze and dancin’ Kevin Bacon.
S02E23 - 15/04/2011 - Jurassic Park III
Three is the magic number—Three Musketeers, Three Blind Mice, three trained marksmen stationed at different points in Dealey Plaza.* Jurassic Park III follows the great tradition of movie trilogies where the person or persons responsible for the success of the first two decided to do something else while they still had a career, leaving whoever happened to be available at the time to finish the job—for further examples, see The Mummy, Scream and The X-Men series. British guy Matthew J Elliott wishes the world at large to know that, in preparing this commentary (the first in history to mention vajazzling.**), he agonized over every single riff. Now it's your turn. *As outlined in my forthcoming book, How Elvis Killed JFK—check Amazon for further details, unless it's suppressed by Government Forces or poor advance sales **At least, I assume so. Hell, I can't watch 'em all. Maybe there's something about it in Casablanca or The Star Wars Holiday Special. But I sure as hell hope not.
S02E24 - 13/12/2011 - Sherlock Holmes
The English—inventors of the internet and the language you're reading right now. But what have they ever done for us? Well, stretching a point, there's the famous English detective Sherlock Holmes (who was created by a Scotsman, but what the hell). Holmes has been depicted onscreen more times than any other fictional character, with the possible exception of the Wilhelm Scream Guy. For a hundred years, filmmakers have taken a reverential approach to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's beloved creation. Welcome to the 21st Century. Join Sherlockian Film Expert* Matthew J. Elliott as he guides you through Guy Ritchie's epic without the aid of a magnifying glass. This commentary is also available in 2-D for those who get a headache wearing the special glasses. *Yes, really. Who knew there was such a thing? Or that “Sherlockian” was a word?
S02E25 - 19/07/2012 - Flatliners
Is there life after death? That's what sexy, sexy, sexy med students Nelson, Rachel, Joe, David and Randy* want to know. Through a series of medical experiments, they put each other under to see what's out there—and what follows them back. A growling Keifer Sutherland, permy Julia Roberts, non-dancing Kevin Bacon, testosterone-y William "Billy" Baldwin and foppish Oliver Platt team up with director and fan of the crane shot Joel Schumacher to bathe us all in constant blue light and test our collective patience. Yes, the film that we all remember was nominated for an Academy Award for BEST SOUND EDITING finally gets a RiffTrax ribbing from previously flatlining riffers Cole Stratton and Janet Varney (Where the heck have we been, anyway?). Today is a good day to die—from laughing? (We hope!) *Not so sexy. He's played by Oliver Platt. But...um...brains are sexy, right? RIGHT?
S02E26 - 13/09/2012 - The Expendables
It's kind of tough for me to differentiate between movies and real life, but I'm pretty sure it's historical fact that the Nazis dug up the Ark of the Covenant, and when they opened it, their faces melted off (wow, Indiana Jones sure messed up not letting it get to Hitler – nice work, genius). The moral to this tale: some things are best left buried and forgotten. That being the case, here's Sly Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Eric Roberts in The Expendables. I no longer have a DVD of this movie – it's being examined by top men. Top... men.
S02E27 - 28/03/2013 - Horror Express
The Deadly Mantis showed us that the life of a palaeontologist is one of intrigue, romance, and unstoppable monsters. Horror Express does nothing to dispel this notion, so that presumably means it can only be true. Here, Christopher Lee plays Professor Alexander Saxton who, never having been told by his mother that he shouldn’t play with dead things, unearths a frozen ape man in Manchuria because…well, what else is there to do in Manchuria? En route to Moscow by train, the ape man comes back to life, and starts killing off passengers, all the while whistling a haunting tune, in spite of the fact that he doesn’t have any lips. Oh, and Peter Cushing is on the train, too. And Telly Savalas shows up, presumably in order to pay off a gambling debt. Nowadays, there are really only two things to be concerned about when traveling by train: lateness, and sitting too close to the stubbly guy who smells like urine and crazy. Compare that with two movie legends, a homicidal caveman and a bat-poopy insane Telly Savalas, and you'll see that the Horror Express is a ninety-minute ride not to be missed.
S02E28 - 29/01/2014 - King of Kong Island
Guns, girls, grappling, gorillas, slightly gray looking greenery! This film has it all! King of Kong Island is the action-packed tale of a scantily-clad jungle girl, some people who speak English without seeming to understand it and sometimes without bothering to move their lips, a mad scientist friend of theirs they’ve lost touch with a bit and their very many cigarettes. It seems almost impossible for these many disparate elements to fuse together into one coherent and gripping narrative, doesn’t it? Well, that didn’t stop the makers of this bizarre Italian adventure story giving it a go anyhow. Hey, it was the 60s, a lot of people were experimenting. In this case they were experimenting with planting radio spares in apes’ brains so they could be controlled remotely. Everyone needs a hobby, don’t they? Our square-jawed and trapezoid-chested hero, Burt, is drawn into a world of intrigue, stock footage of wildlife, terrifying disco-dancing and advanced brain surgery in this extraordinary film that everyone claims features a relative of King Kong. With the help of your intrepid riffers, Matthew J Elliott and Ian Potter, you will be able to join those happy few who have made it through to the end to find out if that’s actually true. You may not be quite as happy as them when you get there, but you’ll laugh a lot along the way and you’ll never make it through Kong Island without us. Wherever it turns out that is…
S02E57 - 30/10/2019 - ## (Dup) ## Bridget and Mary Jo's Halloween Safety and Monster Movie Mash-up ## (Dup) ##
This is not a movie. Moved to Shorts along with "Have a Mary Jo Christmas and a Bridget New Year", "The Second Annual Bridget and Mary Jo Christmas Special!", and "The Spring Collection".
S02E30 - 15/05/2015 - Warning from Space
You’re a citizen of the world, right? You know about Japanese cinema. You remember Ringu - that horror film you accidentally rented because you thought it was a kids' show about a penguin. You enjoy the majestic historical spectacles of Akira Kurosawa, even though he clearly ripped all his best bits off westerns. You’ve devoured the melancholy, dream-like animations of Studio Ghibli, waiting for a rude bit with tentacles. You’ve watched all the Godzillas - even the good one and Samuel Beckett’s disappointing Waiting for Godzilla. So why haven’t you seen Warning From Space? Eh? Hmm? What‘s not to love in a film bringing together a group of giant one-eyed alien starfish, the nail-biting drama of scientific research1, a rogue planet set on a collision course with our Earth, a lavish song and dance number, and a game of tennis with an alien duplicate? It’s dubbed into English. You won’t need to read or anything. If that wasn’t enough, you can now experience the movie with the added benefit of two Brits talking in the gaps between the weirdly dubbed Japanese people. Amazingly, many of their bits make more sense than the actual story2, and occasionally manage to be funnier than the alien starfish costumes3. 1 There is less drama in scientific research than you may have been led to believe. 2 Not a huge claim. 3 Massive claim. Your money back if you’re prepared to take us to court in an attempt to dispute it and manage to convince the jury.
S02E32 - 18/03/2016 - Flight to Mars
September 29, 2015 – NASA scientists announce the discovery of water on Mars, entirely failing to acknowledge the far more significant discoveries made by a team of dedicated scientists (and Cameron Mitchell) made on their flight there in 1951. Water? Check. Grapes on walls? Check. No pants for ladies? Oh, hell yeah. David Bowie's query has finally been answered – there is life on Mars! OK, technically his query was answered decades before he recorded that song, but life on Mars there is, be­-robed, pants-less life, and it's the job of these intrepid travelers to explain “What is kiss, Earthman?” Flight to Mars represents everything you could possibly want in a sci­-fi movie, provided you don't ask for eye­-popping CGI effects you'll remember in your dreams, or anything not featuring the guy from Supersonic Man.
S02E33 - 15/04/2016 - Cat-Women of the Moon
It’s Bridget and Mary Jo’s first feature film! Riffing-wise, that is. A routine trip to the moon runs amok when the astronauts encounter a race of women with feline tendencies, such as teleportation and wearing leotards. They are the last survivors of an ancient civilization, and they only have a couple of boxes of breathable air left. Desperate to migrate to Earth, the Cat-Women have been telepathically controlling Helen, the ship’s navigator (and girl) to aid them. Then the crew -- ooops - sorry, no spoilers! Starring Marie “The Queen of the Bs” Windsor, and urban legend subject and Laugh-In guest Sonny Tufts, Variety magazine wrote about the film, “...the cast ably portray their respective roles." So take THAT!
S02E34 - 06/10/2016 - Gravity
Don't Let Go! But the thing is - Commander Matt Kowalski (George Clooney), helming his last mission before retirement, does let go! And much much too early as far as Bridget and Mary Jo are concerned. It sorta seems like he wanted to die. Anyway, the point is he leaves Dr. Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock) on her own with nothing but the keys to a Chinese space ship. And guess what? It’s a stick shift! Kooky chaos ensues! Join Bridget and Mary Jo as they riff their very first Hollywood blockbuster!
S02E29 - 04/08/2014 - Scared to Death
Was there ever a more seminal film than Scared to Death? You heard me, seminal. It's a word. Look it up, it's not what you think. By kicking off with a body in a mortuary narrating the story, this classy horror­mystery served as the blueprint for Sunset Boulevard over a decade later. Granted, Sunset Boulevard was an all­time Hollywood classic while Scared to Death wound up being mocked by a couple of English guys, but that wasn't the only time it served as a basis for other more notable pictures. For a start, there's a reporter in it... just like Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford in All the President's Men! Coincidence? Well, possibly, but consider this – you've also got Bela Lugosi (in his only color movie) playing a foreign guy! Now ask yourself how many films made after Scared to Death feature foreigners? Hell, foreign films are full of 'em! Can you really afford to miss this, the wellspring from which all modern motion pictures draw their inspiration?
S02E31 - 19/06/2015 - Dreamscape
If you die in your dreams, do you die in real life? That's, like, the conceit of this Sci-Fi classic(?) from 1984 in which a young psychic played by Dennis Quaid (who really shoulda seen his brother Randy's weird behavior on the horizon) works with a sorta-understandable scientist Swede Max Von Sydow to go inside people's dreams. See Kate Capshaw's mega-80s hair! Listen to a barely-awake Christopher Plummer as a steely government agent! Watch David Patrick Kelly creepily eat a sandwich! And throw in George "Norm!" Wendt in a bar no less! Oh, and did we mention claymation special effects?
S02E61 - 20/11/2018 - The RiffTrax Yule Log
Holiday fireplace videos. We all love them, they bring comfort and cheer to our living rooms and family gatherings. But have they ever made you laugh? We’re proud to present a new kind of fireplace video, one filled with festive comedy and music to be enjoyed by all! And yes, don’t worry, there is still a fireplace -- Kevin Murphy's actual Minnesota fireplace! The RiffTrax Yule Log burns brightly for over two hours. Enjoy the fire while along the way lots of fun RiffTraxy moments pop in -- such as bits of new Christmas riffs, original songs written and performed by the guys, classic carols, nose flutes, skits and excerpts from beloved RiffTrax hits of holidays past! There’s truly nothing like it, and no better way to keep your loved ones happy and smiling as the egg nog kicks in. Even the Ice Cream Bunny gives it his “HURR HURR HURR” seal of approval! Spend your holidays nice and cozy with Mike, Kevin, Bill, Bridget, and Mary Jo, it’s the RiffTrax Yule Log!
S02E35 - 06/01/2017 - The Amazing Mr. X
Beautiful sisters compete for the attentions of a charismatic hypnotist but Hollywood actor Richard Carlson senses something sinister (in a bland sort of way). Ravens, crystal balls, cocktails and ….MURDER! Run, don’t walk, to your computer screen and prepare yourself for The Amazing Mr. X. Sometimes also known as The Spiritualist, this film boasts the cinematography of John Alton, who won an academy award for An American in Paris, and features Virginia Gregg, the voice of Mrs. Bates in Psycho.
S02E39 - 15/12/2017 - Beyond Christmas
The Bridget and Mary Jo Christmas special is a full length movie! Beyond Christmas. The ghosts of three elderly industrialists killed in an airplane crash return to Earth to help reunite a young couple whom they initially brought together on Christmas Eve. It’s sorta like Ghost meets It’s a Wonderful Life... oh, and some Russians. A sweet Christmas love story with jolly riffing from Bridget and Mary Jo.
S02E42 - 08/06/2018 - The Woman in Green
Temptress of Pleasure or Mistress of Murder? Bridget and Mary Jo investigate as they riff Sherlock Holmes and The Woman in Green. (Released 1945 starring Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce) Originally in black and white, the woman The Woman in Green was difficult to identify — but because of the wonder of colorization, Bridget and Mary Jo figure out who’s wearing green almost immediately! The rest of the mystery is elementary.
S02E43 - 29/06/2018 - Snowbeast
For thousands of years, mankind has wondered: were we visited by ancient astronauts? Was Stonehenge a UFO refuelling station? Were the Nazca lines of Southern Peru designed to guide their craft in to land? Are the pyramids proof of alien involvement in human development? Snowbeast answers none of these questions. I don't even know why I brought them up, quite frankly. No, Snowbeast is more of a 1970s TV-movie-of-the-week, detailing what happens when Bigfoot goes on vacation. Sadly, the big galoot didn't remember to take any snacks with him, and he's forced to make do with the guests at the nearby ski lodge. If you're one of those people who gets an almost indecent thrill from seeing lots and lots of snowmobile footage, then please get some help. But before you do that, settle in for the evening and enjoy Snowbeast. You'll be glad you did.
S02E37 - 23/06/2017 - Hangar 18
Now the truth can be told! Wait, not quite now, give it another couple of seconds. OK... now. Hangar 18 tells the story of a vast cover-up involving a crashed UFO, the Man From UNCLE, Kolchak the Night Stalker, and lots and lots of mustaches. In fact, this may be the mustachiest film outside of full-blown 70s porn. Please take our word for that, and do not type "full-blown" and "porn" into Google. Your internet searches are no longer safe. I'm talking to you in particular, Tim. We know what you do, alone, in the dark. Everyone knows: us, the government, and especially your dead Na-Na, who is weeping in Heaven right now. So make it up to her, and enjoy Hangar 18 instead of - you know - that other stuff.
S02E44 - 18/07/2018 - SHE
SHE: it’s not just a singular nominative pronoun - it’s the latest RiffTrax from Bridget and Mary Jo! Based on H. Rider Haggard’s novel, the eponymous She holds captive a group of explorers who have stumbled into the subterranean ancient civilization of Kor. One of the explorers might be her true love from a previous life. Another is a potential rival for his affections. And what about the third member of the group? Find out in this exciting adventure film starring Helen Gahagan, Randolph Scott, and Nigel Bruce, and excitingly Production Associated by Shirley Burden!
S02E45 - 02/08/2018 - Devil Girl from Mars
A super uptight type-A alien (Devil Girl) en route to London makes an emergency landing in the Scottish moors. While her spaceship is in the shop for repairs she reveals that all the men on Mars have been nagged to death so she has been sent to earth to collect new ones to cuddle and sometimes breed with.
S02E46 - 07/09/2018 - Freddie Steps Out
Regular High school student Freddie is mistaken for the most famous radio singer in the country who happens to be missing. Misunderstandings stack up, sardines are involved, and nobody knows who the baby belongs to! The chaos ensues until the big dance number puts everything right. This is the second installment in the (middle aged) Teenager series.
S02E47 - 21/09/2018 - Rescue Me
Rescue Me - from this movie, amirite? Woooot! High five! Rescue Me is a coming-of-age film about a high school loser, Frazier, who sets out to rescue his secret crush, Ginny, from a couple of thugs who have abducted her as collateral in a stamp deal gone bad. He meets up with war vet Mack, who wants his stamps back, and together they set out on a cross-country adventure from the Oklahoma region of Southern California all the way to Venice Beach. Join Bridget and Mary Jo for a journey of self-discovery, motorcycles, photographying, love, and laughter!
S02E49 - 01/02/2019 - Purple Death from Outer Space
Death comes in many colours: Black, which isn't a colour, Red (which was just wearing a mask), Green which at least recycles, and of course the colour Purple which takes two and a half hours but feels like more. Listen, this Purple Death isn't just from Outer Space either; it's dusty death as well. It gets everywhere and in black and white too so you can't even tell it's being purple. Who can save us from this monochromatic interstellar menace? Why Flash Gordon, Professor Zarkov and (to a much lesser degree) Dale Arden - that's who! Thrill to mustachioed men in tights who sound more British than your riffers! Swoon as sparky space ships swing through the stars like some things on strings! Gasp at the actually comprehensibly edited story that makes this serial turned movie almost 97% not just flying back and forward from Space committee meetings!
S02E00 - 30/11/-0001 -
S02E51 - 05/04/2019 - Scared to Death
A bio-engineered monster is crawling the sewers of Los Angeles, feeding on human spinal fluid. Hot-headed novelist and former police detective, Ted Lonergan is the only man who can stop the monster. Despite his girlfriend’s life being at stake and the animosity of his former boss, Lonergan is as useful as if he’d never been brought in on the case!
S02E52 - 03/05/2019 - High School Hero
Bridget and Mary Jo leave it all on the field with yet another Teen-Agers film, High School Hero, featuring zero actual teenagers. Freddie wants his big break in show biz, Whitney High wants to win a football game, Betty wants a big story for the school paper, Miss Hinklefink wants Owen, and Bridget and Mary Jo just want to go home. There are hijinx and shenanigans aplenty, and - spoiler alert - a totally different Tiny!
S02E53 - 21/06/2019 - Sherlock Holmes and the Deadly Necklace
Wwhat we have here, as well as the first major example of transatlantic movie mockery, is the very British Sir Christopher Lee, taking time off from leading starship invasions to play Sherlock Holmes in a very German movie concerning the theft of Cleopatra's Necklace and—well, a lot of stuff, quite frankly. People die, things explode, cars crash. You won't understand it (even though it's been dubbed into English), but you definitely won't be bored.
S02E54 - 26/07/2019 - Fear
Medical student Larry has lost his scholarship! Or has he? Desperate to pay for his last semester, he resorts to a heinous crime. But did he? And he’s falling hard for local waitress Eileen. But is she really who she says she is? A tenacious detective is determined to catch the criminal. But does he have the wrong guy? Join Bridget and Mary Jo as they find out the answers to these and other questions in Fear!
S02E55 - 06/09/2019 - Vacation Days
This one goes out to all you completists! It's the fourth of eight Teen Agers films, and the gang has graduated high school - and it just so happens Miss Hinklefink has inherited a ranch out west. Come for the antics, tomfoolery, and mixups - and stay for a surprising change of heart.
S02E56 - 20/09/2019 - Atom Age Vampire
Once in every generation, a film comes along that truly lives up to its title. Had the people who dubbed Seddok the Heir of Satan from Italian into English not decided to rename what resulted in Atom Age Vampire, this could have been one of those movies. But they did call it that, despite the fact that there are no vampires, and nothing particularly connected to the Atom Age, and that's something we all have to live with. What we have here is a sordid tale of a not-really-hideously-deformed nightclub dancer, a horndog scientist and his bespectacled girlfriend or maybe wife, who maybe dies or maybe doesn't (it's all in how the movie's edited). People are then subsequently murdered by something that could fit into a variety of categories, but most definitely IS NOT a vampire of the atom age. It's all connected to the deformed dancer, who, honestly, is not that badly deformed - if she just styled her hair a little differently, not even her own mother would know. But how? Only you and the editor will know for sure.
S02E58 - 03/01/2020 - Sherlock Holmes: Terror By Night
“Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night, nor for the arrow that flieth by day.” So it is said-ith in the Bible. This movie has absolutely nothing to do with that quotation. Instead, here are Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce, back again as Holmes and Watson, investigating a series of murders committed on a train bound for Scotland. None of the murders are done with an arrow that flieth, but they do all take place at night, so that's got to count for something. Holmes is customarily unruffled, Watson is ruffled pretty much all the time, and there are a bunch of interesting accents on display. So jump on board, for the greatest murder mystery ever to occur on a train and not involving a finicky Belgian detective.
S02E59 - 10/01/2020 - Strange Impersonation
Nora is a brilliant and beautiful scientist on the verge of an important scientific breakthrough. Unfortunately, she’s also a Female Lady Girl Woman, and the pressure mounts for her to abandon her career before her man falls for the ineffectual-but-available lab assistant. Enjoy mystery, mayhem, and mistaken identities with Bridget and Mary Jo in Strange Impersonation!
S02E60 - 06/03/2020 - Lady Mobster
Susan Lucci is once, twice, three times a lady - mobster, that is! Multiple Daytime Emmy also-ran Lucci stars as the orphaned Laurel, who is adopted by a mobster family after her parents are murdered by hitmen. But being a high-powered attorney with a fine 80s wardrobe isn’t enough for this little lady. When the crime boss dies, Lucci steps in and organizes crime - her own way.
254 épisodes
S03E240 - 09/01/2015 - Behave, Bernard!
If only Bernie Madoff had seen this film, things might’ve been different. Oh he still would’ve committed massive acts of investment fraud, Behave, Bernard! doesn’t address that topic at all, but he could’ve at least learned not to tear up newspapers in the neighbor’s yard or steal fast food hamburgers. Yes, the Bernard in question here is a pooch, a canine, and he’s hell on four legs, baby. He’s reckless and wild. And his young owner Glenn, being named Glenn, is no match for the situation. But that’s not even the worst of it… ...Oh you want to know the worst of it? Hm yeah guess that ominous ellipsis did sort of indicate that was coming, reasonable assumption. Okay, well the worst of it is...Bernard SINGS. And despite what you might expect from a clumsy troublemaking dog named Bernard, the singing is NOT VERY GOOD. He sings and stumbles his way through life, leaving a wake of bloodshed and tears behind him, and he feels no remorse! Bernard is unstoppable! Behave, Bernard!? Ha! You might as well ask a sandstorm to behave! Welcome to the century of Bernard, he’s running the show now!
S03E227 - 22/08/2014 - The Flying Saucer Mystery
When you want facts, there’s only one form of entertainment that you can turn to: the documentary. Known for their unbiased viewpoints, documentaries like Fahrenheit 9/11, 2016: Obama’s America, and Loose Change give you the unvarnished truth, regardless of how much money their creators stand to rake in by sensationalizing viewpoints that confirm what people already want to hear. We’re proud to say we’ve discovered another documentary, Flying Saucer Mystery, that gives viewers the truth, the whole truth, and several ugly 1950s guys. Presenting hard, incontrovertible facts such as “I can’t be sure, but it looked like a flying saucer,” and “I didn’t get a good look at it but it was probably 50 feet in radius, or was that diameter, I can never keep those two straight,” this documentary proves once and for all that idiots will say anything to get on TV. Featuring video footage that makes the saucers in Plan 9 From Outer Space look like the aliens in Independence Day, Flying Saucer Mystery probes deep (ha!) into the mystery of our neighbors in the sky. Get it now before the government can [REDACTED]
S03E252 - 15/09/2015 - Cindy Goes to a Party
"One is apt to think of Etiquette as being of importance to none but brides or diplomats or persons lately elected to political office. As a matter of fact there is not a single thing we do or say, or choose, or use, or even think, that does not follow (or break) one of the exactions of taste, or tact or ethics, or good manners, or etiquette." -Emily Post Never were these important words taken more seriously than on the birthday party circuit of 1950’s Cedar Rapids Iowa. And NO ONE understood the life giving freedom of these words more than Cindy’s fairy Godmother/ sprite/ demon. Follow Cindy as she faces the humiliation of not being invited to the party with steely resolve. Rejoice with her as she discovers “There had been some mix up” and she really was invited! But most of all Please call for help! Because Cindy’s Godmother/ sprite/demon has an etiquette vendetta against her that only right behavior and total cultural submission can vanquish. Bridget and Mary Jo are your Riffers for Cindy Goes To A Party. A must see for those thinking birthday parties are supposed to be fun.
S03E208 - 03/01/2014 - Batman and Robin: Target Robin
This sixth installment in the thrilling serial takes an unexpected turn when the Wizard and his gang, who previously had been targeting Batman and Robin, begin to Target Robin! Oh, and also still Batman. The bad guys are still targeting both of them, as they have from the beginning. These titles are meaningless. But the action continues! Just as our heroes continue to keep their costumes in a file cabinet in Bruce Wayne’s unfinished basement! And the World’s Greatest Detective continues to fall for traps set by a blundering crew of mobsters, who are really doing a great job keeping it together in the absence of their good friend Gabe, by the way. Will Batman and his middle-aged charge escape a chamber filling with deadly CO2 gas, which despite what you may have heard in science class is apparently completely visible? Tune in with Mike, Kevin, and Bill!
S03E00 - 30/11/-0001 - *****Dupe** Just Awful **Dupe*****
Dupe of S0E79, Kickstarter: Just Awful, which was a a part of the 2018 Kickstarter campaign.
S03E01 - 20/12/2007 - A Visit to Santa
(1963) Just in time for the holidays, RiffTrax presents our take on A Visit to Santa, a Christmas short of unknown origin that most probably was the result of Santa's short-lived collaboration with the producing team of Screwtape and Wormwood. Rather than being a right jolly old elf, Santa here is depicted as the Dark Prince of a vast slave empire made up entirely of children under 10 - it's Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom with less dignified clothing. Or put another way it's Manos: The Hands of Fate without the elephantiasis.
S03E02 - 01/01/2008 - Act Your Age
(1949) Young Jim is caught in a shocking act of pencil-based vandalism, leading him to look deeply into the core of his soul and come to the inexorable conclusion that he is kind of a weenie. A classic of the late '40's, "authority figure shames a student" genre, Act Your Age is a window into the soul... of Jim. And it makes a great RiffTrax!
S03E03 - 22/02/2008 - Beginning Responsibility: Lunchroom Manners
(1959) Meet Phil. Like all children from the fifties, he enjoys playing ball, building soapbox racers, and taunting his non blond-haired, blue-eyed classmates. Things are going great for Phil until a puppet shows up in his class. The Puppet, Ichabod Dorian Bungle III, or "Mister" to his friends, delivers a powerful lesson about lunch room safety, that no matter how much Phil tries, he is unable to forget. Soon our hero is haunted by the omnipresent demons of Mister Bungle, and begins a descent into madness that has him endlessly washing his hands, and nerdily saving his dessert for last. Mike, Kevin and Bill team up to riff "Beginning Responsibility: Lunchroom Manners" and hopefully stop the classroom menace that is Mister Bungle, once and for all!
S03E04 - 28/02/2008 - The Terrible Truth
(1951) Heroin, it turns out, is bad. The Terrible Truth lays waste to the all-too-common myth that regular heroin use is a healthy part of a balanced diet. Professional scowler Judge William B. McKesson guides us through a case study of Phyllis Howard (no relation to Curly) who tries marijuana and quickly begins vacuuming up Charlie Parker-levels of Mexican black tar heroin. Kevin, Mike and Bill ride this pony for all it's worth
S03E05 - 07/03/2008 - Why Doesn't Cathy Eat Breakfast / Petaluma Chicken
At long last, the question of the ages is met head on. No facet of the issue is left unexplored. The philosophical, eschatological, teleological, epistemological, and cosmological aspects are all given a thorough exegetical going over. Just one viewing of this ground breaking short will see you fully prepared to engage the weighty issues and answer confidently and with authority when someone asks, Why Doesn't Cathy Eat Breakfast? To further expand your mind, RiffTrax is proud to offer you the weirdest thing ever - weirder than a million Crispin Glovers starring in a million remakes of The Wicker Man - a short subject called Petaluma Chicken. If you have any interest in omelet making history, you owe it to yourself to see this. Mike, Kevin, and Bill will be your guides through this hugely important double feature
S03E06 - 14/03/2008 - Coffeehouse Rendezvous
(1969) The youth of today, no longer content to roll a hoop with a stick, play endless hours of mumbly peg, or work a lathe at a factory 14 hours a day for just pennies, need something to occupy them. Crime sprees are not the whole answer. No, they need a place where they can rap, just let it all hang out, encounter one another, preferably over terrible boiled coffee. The short Coffeehouse Rendezvous makes a strong case that what these kids need is a coffeehouse rendezvous. Mike, Kevin and Bill remain unconvinced.
S03E07 - 28/03/2008 - Safety - Harm Hides at Home
(1974) Your home is crawling with hazards! You are not safe! EVERYTHING WILL KILL YOU! In fact, never mind, because you're already dead; killed by your stupid house. That, at least, is the heartwarming message of the short Safety: Harm Hides at Home. "But RiffTrax," you say, "many shorts have already exposed the obvious truth that my home is a deadly, sinister trap, ready to spring at any moment. What's so great about this one?" Aha! Do other shorts feature the groovy safety dominatrix Guardiana? Well, one other one does, but then so does this one! So buy it and laugh* along with Mike, Kevin and Bill. *A thin, strangled laugh designed to cover up your growing panic as you realize your house is trying to murder you.
S03E08 - 08/04/2008 - Are You Popular
(1947) It's time to face the question head on, to stop pretending that the crowds of people following you, jeering, throwing rocks and half-eaten burritos are there because of your charm and animal charisma. You've suspected it for some time, from the moment you were rejected by CompuServe because you just weren't cool enough. The short Are You Popular? will help you solve the question once and finally: the question, "Are you popular?" There are no easy answers, friends (that is, the answer is "no", of course, which is not always easy to hear) but Mike, Kevin and Bill are more than happy to be your guides.
S03E09 - 11/04/2008 - If Mirrors Could Speak
(1976) Cruel self-assessment is given a new twist as vulnerable grade-schoolers are forced to look into the deep blackness of their own souls only to reach the inevitable conclusion that they are unloved and they will spin out their meaningless years on this drifting rock before dying alone and afraid. And there's clowns! The affable John is our tour guide through this carnival mirror nightmare, and at the end, as we babble on cold and terrified like Nietsche's madman ("Do we not stray, as through infinite nothingness? Does not empty space breathe upon us? Has it not become colder? Does not night come on continually, darker and darker?") we're just glad that Mike, Kevin and Bill were there to mop up the despair!
S03E10 - 18/04/2008 - One Got Fat
(1963) Do you find that you're sleeping a little too well as of late? That your dreams are of the innocuous stripe, i.e., old friends turning into llamas and eating your baseball hat, rather than full out, scream-yourself-awake nightmares followed by 15 minutes of sweating and shallow breathing interrupted by occasional anxiety-induced "whale flips" that rip the covers off your significant other? Well, then we've got a short for you! One Got Fat is the real deal - a concentrated dose of lab-purified nightmare fuel. To give away too much would be to blunt the surprise of your upcoming trauma... but here's a hint: A teeming sea of pre-adolescent ur-monkeys are murdered one by one, all to the whimsical narration of the lubricious Edward Everett Horton! Yay! Mike, Bill and Kevin are there with you, shivering in terror in the dark.
S03E11 - 17/06/2008 - Drugs are Like That
(1979) There are so many things to which drugs can be compared that to even attempt to catalog them would be an act of incomprehensible madness. Yet in this pastel colored, 1970's nightmare, two hard-of-hearing, loggorrheic pre-teens are up to the task! Have you always wondered, Are drugs like pumpkins? Like small willow saplings? Like those bags of cotton candy you can buy in gift shops? Find out as Mike, Kevin and Bill go once more unto the breach!
S03E12 - 01/07/2008 - Down and Out
If you like your safety shorts served with a heavy dose of groovy, then this is for you! Down and Out lays out a litany of dangers inherent in your every move from one location to the other, no matter how small. Bone-shattering death awaits around every corner. Every surface, every object, every molecule conspires with all others on earth to kill you dead! See your own tragic fate played out again and again, all backed up by a smooth drum-based soundtrack. You WILL die in an accident, but Down and Out will make the few moments until you do all the more pleasant. Mike, Kevin and Bill share the pain.
S03E13 - 03/07/2008 - Patriotism
When you hear the word "patriotism" what's the first name that pops into your head? Wrong! The answer is Bob Crane. And not "Hogan's Heroes" Bob Crane, but rather creepy, post-"Hogan's Heroes" Bob Crane, home video, um, "pioneer". There is no one - NO ONE - better equipped to imbue America's youth with a sense of pride in their magnificent country - you know, once you get past the overwhelming, suffocating creepiness. Fear not, feelings of discomfort soon turn to laughter thanks to true patriots Mike, Kevin and Bill.
S03E14 - 08/07/2008 - Skipper Learns a Lesson
Snoopy, Lassie, Cerberus, Rin-Tin-Tin: lovable canine companions are a dime a dozen. Which makes Skipper: The Racist Dog such a breath of fresh air! Tired of "PC" dogs who "like" children and "accept" other mutts without passing judgment? Well then, Skipper is the dog for you! He humps the leg of intolerance and takes a good long sniff at bigotry's...er, tail! Will Skipper's titular lesson be learned in time to redeem him in the eyes of his fellow dogs? Or will he be condemned to sit alone on his porch, muttering about the way things used to be? Find out, in Mike, Kevin and Bill's hilarious riff of Skipper Learns a Lesson.
S03E15 - 11/07/2008 - Buying Food
Buying food - how hard can it be? You go to a store pick out a few items, and start mashing them into the side of your head, right? WRONG! That's a common misconception, but as Buying Food clearly demonstrates, buying food is a very, very dangerous and complicated affair, fraught with hazard, the path to success Byzantine and arduous. To even attempt it without instruction is to court heartbreak and, most likely, violent death. Lucky for all of us there is Buying Food. Kevin, Mike, and Bill take it very seriously.
S03E16 - 15/07/2008 - Right or Wrong?
Right or Wrong tells the gritty story of Harry, a boy who doesn't vandalize a warehouse and suffers the consequences for it. Harry, who resembles a younger, less handsome French Stewart, undertakes a philosophical journey, where every character he meets routinely pauses mid-conversation in order to deliver a 30 second internal monologue about Right and Wrong. (This was normal in his community, they eventually traced the problem back to the nearby Play-Doh factory offloading into their water supply.) Parents be warned: This being an educational film about vandalism, some minor breaking of windows may occur. Mike, Kevin and Bill riffing this short: Right or Wrong? (Answer: Wrong, but fun, therefore Right)
S03E17 - 18/07/2008 - The Trouble With Women
Women - what the hell, man? I mean, what's your problem? Thankfully, for all of us non-women, some very smart people have put their best be-crew-cutted minds into coming up with a solution to the trouble with women (to avoid a conflict of interests, no women contributed, thank goodness). The Trouble with Women doesn't give us the definitive answer, but it does give us some very useful tools for dealing with... them. Mike, Kevin, and Bill (themselves NOT women) are your guides through this indispensable short.
S03E18 - 22/07/2008 - It Must Be the Neighbors
Bill Duncan had it all until the day when he discovered that his garbage cans had been deemed unfit for use by the city sanitation committee. The deep shame of this incident drove him into a spiral of despair and nearly claimed his life until he realized the great truth of suburban America: His problems were the fault of his neighbor. The rats in the lumber pile, the pestilence breeding in standing water pools in the backyard, his sure thing horse breaking its leg coming out of the gate, resulting in the pawning of his sons bicycle: They weren't his fault! It must be the neighbors! Take a journey of neighborly blame with three of the finger-pointingist, buck-passingist neighbors you know—Mike, Kevin and Bill!
S03E19 - 25/07/2008 - Each Child Is Different
“Each Child Is Different” goes the saying, and no truer words have ever been spoken. Take Miss Smith's fifth grade class for instance. While Elizabeth is withdrawn and silent because of parental neglect, Ruth is withdrawn and silent because her mother died soon after the birth of her brother. Yes, just like Wes Anderson's latest, each character has a delightful quirk! Go in depth with five unique misfits, in a wonderful comedic stew of bullying, dyslexia, fire starting and bean-feeding. Our own three unique misfits are on hand for riffing.
S03E20 - 29/07/2008 - Kitty Cleans Up
Years in the spotlight had left Kitty with fame, riches, and a drug habit to rival all but the Busey-ist of addicts. Hooked on catnip, Kitty quickly found herself alone on the street, fishing quarters out of the gutter in hopes of landing her daily fix of The 'Nip. It seemed as if she had hit rock bottom when she shot a delivery man in cold blood, only to find out that he was unloading crates of oregano, not catnip. Kitty knew she needed to get Cleaned Up, and she enrolled into the finest 12 step program in the country, hoping to patch her life back together. Kitty Cleans Up...is not that story. It's about some creepy kid with the voice of a forty year old who decides that good hygiene practices are best learned by imitating a cat. Mike, Kevin and Bill have of course known this for years, and help get the message out in one of the oddest RiffTrax shorts to date
S03E21 - 31/07/2008 - Why Vandalism
Why Vandalism? It's the one question that kept parents in the fifties up at night. Why would my boy turn to vandalism for thrills when they could be listening to Burl Ives 45s or campaigning for Adlai Stevenson? While they were pondering this, their boys were out vandalizing things. This short follows three boys—Jeff, Ron & Burger—who spend all their time hanging out together, complaining that none of them have any friends. Their positive attitude, combined with Burger's poverty, Ron's overbearing parents, and Jeff's bone-crushing stupidity, ensure that their descent into a vortex of vandalism will be a rapid one. If you've ever asked yourself "Why Vandalism?" or even just "Why?", you owe it to yourself to watch this short and get the answers you deserve! Mike, Kevin & Bill are on hand to riff this classic short from the wrong side of the tracks
S03E22 - 30/09/2008 - Aqua Frolics
If you were told you were about to see a film that contained turtles bigger than men, cliff-diving Mexicans and a family that eats Thanksgiving dinner underwater, you'd probably complain "But I don't like David Lynch!" Wrong you would be! You'd actually be all set to watch the 100 percent Lynch-free Aqua Frolics, a short from the 1950's whose message is clear: here is a partial list of things you can do that involve a proximity to and/or immersion in water. No doubt a response to the Land Council's propaganda film "Dryness: Stay On Land to Achieve It", Aqua Frolics will have you itching to strap on a life preserver and tuck into a drumstick in your neighbors swimming pool. Known frolickers Mike, Kevin and Bill are on hand for their dampest riffing session yet.
S03E23 - 24/10/2008 - Good Health Practices
Washing your hands after using the restroom - most of us only do so because a fellow co-worker is in the bathroom with us, and we wonder if he'll tell other people if we don't. But evidently, we should be doing this even when a co-worker isn't there.
S03E24 - 31/10/2008 - Good Eating Habits
For many of us, Good Eating Habits boil down to a simple rule: avoid any food whose name ends in "-ator" or "-o-rama". But fifty years ago, in an era food historians refer to as "Pre GoGurt", what constituted a Good Eating Habit wasn't as widely known. Was cleaning your plate always necessary? When was the proper time for snacks? And did Johnny Miller really see the lunch lady’s glass eye fall into the casserole when he went to the bathroom during Social Studies? These questions and more are answered in classic "Do the Opposite of This Guy" mode by Bill, a young child whose eating habits were the inspiration for the Tasmanian Devil cartoon character. Mike, Kevin and Bill are on-hand to riff the appetizing, food-like loaf of a short that is Good Eating Habits!
S03E25 - 21/11/2008 - Know For Sure
You think you don't have syphilis, but how do really know? Has anyone you trust told you you don't have it? Have you been in contact with anyone from a big city in, say, the last year? Then you almost certainly have it! Talk to your doctor immediately, or at the very least, a silver-haired white guy with an authoritative voice. He will put your shame under a microscope and make you look at it and if that doesn't change your ways, than I don't know what! Or you can just watch RiffTrax latest hilarious short subject Know For Sure.
S03E26 - 22/12/2008 - Christmas Toyshop
Can't anyone tell me what Christmas is all about!? an exasperated Charlie Brown once asked. Well, pace Linus van Pelt, the true meaning of Christmas—according to Christmas Toyshop—is a criminally incompetent father, a drug-dispensing demon of the night, and a bored and detached Santa who spins magic mushroom induced fables to two captive children. Other beloved Christmas themes include war, a killing spree, and an attempted murder suicide by an arachnid—in easy-to-view cartoon form!
S03E27 - 06/01/2009 - Shy Guy
Shyness—for years it has prevented boys from becoming men and girls from landing men. How can shyness be conquered? By imitating those who are better than you: the popular children. This is the advice that the New Kid in School receives from his father: alter who you are to make people who don't know you like you more. It must be good advice; after all, the man is wearing a suit. Watch TV’s Dick York—the first Darrin from Bewitched—try to overcome his shyness by putting on a sweater in Shy Guy, riffed by Mike, Kevin and Bill. (Dick Sargents need not apply.)
S03E28 - 16/01/2009 - Self Conscious Guy
Do you find yourself in a constant state of niggling self criticism, e.g., "I bet everyone is laughing at me just because I have a waffle stuck to my back", or "I know it's the right thing to do, but will people look down on me because I jar, meticulously label and store my urine in the root cellar?" If so, may I call you "Self-Conscious Guy" or would that make you feel self-conscious, you ugly, over-sensitive little self-conscious guy?! (Don't cry, it's part of your therapy.) Learn to deal with your freakishly abhorrent personality disorder by watching, along with your life coaches Mike, Kevin and Bill, Self-Conscious Guy.
S03E29 - 28/01/2009 - Overcoming Fear
Fear: Most of us rejected it in the mid-90s by wearing trendy t-shirts emblazoned with slogans such as "Second Place is the First Loser." This national "No Fear" campaign almost single-handedly eradicated Fear from our streets. Unfortunately, one day America woke up and realized just how gut-wrenchingly lame those t-shirts were. The shame quickly gave way to a much more powerful emotion: Fear. Yes, Fear has returned to our society, which makes the message of the 1950 educational short Overcoming Fear all the more important. It teaches us that your Fears are irrational, and are best confronted head-on. It features the greatest locker room confrontation scene since a be-toweled Iceman called out Maverick, nerds standing up for what they believe in, and a dog so terrifying, it makes Cujo look like the Beverly Hills Chihuahua. What better way for Mike, Kevin and Bill to Overcome their Fear of Overcoming Fear than by riffing the short Overcoming Fear!
S03E30 - 27/02/2009 - Playing Together
"You would like to play with Donny and Duncan." So the narrator for Playing Together confidently tells us, and we have no reason to doubt him. But as the minutes pass it becomes clear that he may have been overselling Donny and Duncan just a bit. Donny, as it turns out, has trouble navigating life, from the smallest things (he's confused and frightened by the rules posted at a public pool) to larger problems, including the question of evil (his favorable reaction to aquatic clowns makes it clear that his moral compass is broken and he may even be a dangerous psychopath.) Duncan tries, he really does, to curb Donny's dangerous habit of clinging to every stick he finds like a lab monkey clings to his wire mother, but Donny is too far gone, and Duncan's helplessness and rage is beginning to show. But what makes it all work is the constant, tuneless piano noodling. Because of it, the narrator wins in the end: Kevin, Mike and Bill would like to play with Donny and Duncan.
S03E31 - 20/03/2009 - How Much Affection?
It's a question we ponder every time we tip the pizza guy: How much affection? Is it necessary to set the box down before embracing him? How long do you hold him, knowing that he has other deliveries to make? Can lower tips be compensated for with more affection? How Much Affection? sadly touches on none of these issues; its Pizza Guy advice comes from the "30 Minutes or Free" era and is therefore quite out of date. What you will find in this short are dates that end in tears, sandwich making and a stern reminder of the potential Gerber-eating consequences of Too Much Affection. Riffers Mike, Kevin and Bill differ wildly in their estimates of How Much Affection, but mostly because Bill insists on measuring affection using the metric system.
S03E32 - 24/03/2009 - Your Chance to Live
What happens when a public television studio realizes that it has to spend $2,000 of government grant money before Wednesday in order to qualify for full funding for the next fiscal year? You get Your Chance to Live: Technological Failures! Obviously thrown together in a matter of hours, Your Chance to Live rails against modern man's dependence on technology with the vibrant coherency of a raving street corner derelict. This may have something to do with the fact that the producers hired an actual street corner derelict to do the raving, or as they refer to it, the "narration." Among the pearls of wisdom he imparts along the way? "Without electricity, there could be no electrical fires." The point is emphasized by showing stock footage of "Pioneers" baling hay. Surely, the producers of this film were on a higher plane of consciousness, or maybe just really wanted to get off work in time to catch the tail end of happy hour. The whole thing makes for an experience that is as surreal as it is hilarious. Mike, Kevin and Bill seize Their Chance to Riff!
S03E33 - 28/03/2009 - Understanding Your Ideals
Pop quiz hotshot: Your father tells you that your grandmother has fallen and badly hurt herself. What do you do? Like most of us here at RiffTrax, you probably answered "Call an attorney to jump start the inheritance process." Well, this self-centered attitude is what separates regular guys like us from Understanding Your Ideals star Jeffrey Moore. When Jeffrey hears this tragic news, his first thoughts are not of himself, but instead of others. Specifically, of the girl that he was supposed to take to the dance that night. He had hoped to pick her up in the family car, which is instead speeding towards Grandma's prone, frail person. How disappointed this young girl will be when she learns she has to take the bus! OK, it actually turns out that Jeffrey is just as bad, if not worse, than most of us. Why? He is lacking "ideals", which if we understood the short correctly, are like headlights on your car, in that if you accidentally leave them on while you're at work, you have to get a jump from the last guy to leave the building, usually the creepy guy from IT who breathes really loudly in the elevator. After watching this short, Mike, Kevin and Bill are no closer to Understanding Their Ideals. They do, however, Understand Your Ideals, and frankly, are very disappointed with how you've turned out.
S03E34 - 01/04/2009 - As We Like It
Ah, beer. Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course, chief nourisher in life's feast! (We think that's what the Swan of Avon was referring to...) Beer provides everything the human body needs—if anything, what little it lacks can be made up with regular doses of loaded potato skins, an occasional pickled egg, or several handfuls of pub mix (if you can get it before the loud guy with Pat Riley hair picks out all the peanuts.) Yes, beer is perfect and holy, but lately it has been maligned by dark forces. Envious, beady-eyed, sober little creatures who resent that the rest of us have a way to actually have fun playing softball, or going bowling. That we have a beverage that makes encounters with our family almost bearable, enhances our powers of seduction and gives us the courage to jump over a too-high park bench when goaded on by our fun-loving friend. (The fact that we didn't make it and shattered four of our teeth in the process is immaterial to the argument.) Thank goodness As We Like It puts these horrible little busybodies in their place using sound reasoning, gentle persuasion and a few tall frosty ones. Mike, Kevin and Bill belly up and tap into As We Like It.
S03E35 - 03/04/2009 - Going Steady
It's the most important decision you'll ever make: should I eat the rest of this BK Stacker, or just trust my vague feeling of nausea and quit while I'm ahead? But put that aside now and let's talk about the third most important decision you'll ever make*: should I go steady? The answer, of course, is no. But the short Going Steady doesn't settle for such easy answers. Instead it probes the question through the tortured angst of Marie, an insecure girl with "offbeat" good looks who can't shake her Jeff habit. Jeff, for his part, is a flannel-clad Lothario, prowling the high school hallways and leaving nothing but the shattered husks of broken-hearted bobby-soxers as his terrible toll. Otherwise, very polite young man. In the powerful third act, Marie confronts Jeff, and the reaction is as explosive as anything Judson T. Landis has ever done! Mike, Kevin and Bill learned everything they know about life, about love...and about laughter....from Going Steady. *The 2nd is "should I take advantage of the zero percent financing on the hedge trimmer I want to buy?"
S03E36 - 07/04/2009 - Carnivorous Plants
Carnivorous Plants! Like Wii Boxing, they're one of those things that instantly becomes 1000X less cool the moment you bring it home and try it out. Rather than quickly earning their keep and chomping down on your neighbors annoying labradoodle, your carnivorous plant instead sits on your window sill, vowing that he'll get to work tomorrow. You show off their opening and closing ability to disinterested friends who suddenly realize that Wii Boxing wasn't that bad after all, while your housefly population triples in size and begins to plot a coup. Soon after, the plant dies when you go to visit your grandmother in Sarasota. Yes, Carnivorous Plants are a big let down. Which is why it's a good thing that the short Carnivorous Plants deals mainly with stock footage of transportation and discussions about mousetraps. We believe the plants do not make an appearance until the short has actually ended. The whole thing is tied together by a narrator who babbles his way towards an irrefutable conclusion: Carnivorous Plants are way cooler in the movies. Mike, Kevin and Bill declare this their finest Carnivorous Plant-related riffing not containing a character named Seymour Krelborn.
S03E37 - 17/04/2009 - You and Your Family
You and Your Family. Much like gunpowder and an open flame, combining the two is not recommended (especially if mom's been drinking.) But every now and then a scenario arises where you must remove your iPod’s ear buds, emit a contemptuous, full-bodied sigh and actually interact with your family.* You and Your Family is the must-have guide to how to handle these situations with a minimum involvement of municipal services. Each scenario in You and Your Family plays out in several different ways, and you the viewer are left to decide which would be the most effective course of action. It's like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book, except that instead of reading about The Lost Jewels of Nabooti**, you decide whether to help mom with the dishes. Imagine Rashomon with slightly more Room-Storming-Off-To, and you've got You and Your Family. Riffers Mike, Kevin and Bill each assume the "You" in You and Your Family is referring to one of the other two guys. *These situations include holidays, birthdays and everybody pretending that you're taking grandpa to the Baseball Hall of Fame when you're really dropping him off at a home.
S03E38 - 24/04/2009 - Primary Safety: In the School Building
The follow-up to the smash hit "Primary Safety: In the Three Mile Island Cooling Tower", Primary Safety: In The School Building starts with a catchy name and builds from there. Personal injury lurks everywhere in our nation’s schools, and while any hipster with an ironic "Runs With Scissors" t-shirt can identify the most famous way to hurt yourself, fewer can pinpoint the dozens and dozens of more obscure ways that you can lose an eye in music class alone. Primary Safety: In The School Building has an answer. A cumbersome, ineffective answer. It involves giant "stop" and "go" signs, a dimwitted child, and lots of trial and error. It is the same system that now powers our nations DMVs. Head dimwit Bill mans the signs, a responsibility he earned by amassing the most experience, having repeated kindergarten for a third time. After a morning with Bill, you may be no closer to surviving a school day in one piece, but you'll probably have eaten enough paste that you just won't care. Mike, Kevin and Bill kept their fingers crossed throughout this entire short hoping for a Mr. Bungle cameo.
S03E39 - 29/04/2009 - Damaged Goods
Surprisingly, not a biography of Björk, Damaged Goods is a cautionary tale about a couple of young men who go on a harmless adventure in search of beer and girls and end up finding exactly that! Unfortunately they are lured off that wholesome path by the seductive siren song of something called a "Coolie Cup". Inspired, apparently, by the jockstrap of an Asian worker, this evil rum drink causes our hero, Hercules-like (Kevin Sorbo Hercules, just to be clear), to be led astray. The result, a stern lecture by a silver-haired doctor—oh, and some horrible communicable disease affecting the genitals. We weren't really paying attention, as someone had just whipped up a pitcher of Coolie Cups. Mike, Bill, and Kevin: damaged goods and your guides through Damaged Goods.
S03E40 - 01/05/2009 - Cooking Terms
Mario Batali. Emeril Lagasse. Thomas Keller. What do they all have in common? Besides having seen Julia Child naked? That's right, they are all masters of Cooking Terms! Cooking Terms are the first step toward becoming a master chef. Because how can one properly prepare Duck Foie Gras with a Confiture of Meiwa Kumquats and a Balsamic Glaze if you don't know what "boiling" means. Cooking Terms And What They Mean follows a newlywed named Margie through her first day of housewifery. Margie evidently spent her childhood in a vegetative coma, because she somehow made it to her wedding day without knowing what "bake" means. We observe Margie as she learns the terms she will need to prepare the Culinary Institute of America's four basic dishes: Meat, Cake, Jelly and Scalloped Cauliflower. Will she successfully cook her husband a delicious meal? Or will her spiral of failure expand so rapidly that it consumes our entire known universe? Mike, Kevin and Bill now understand the difference between braising and blanching, and as a result their Hungry Man frozen dinners have never tasted better.
S03E41 - 05/05/2009 - What About Juvenile Delinquency?
It can happen to any of us: we fall in with some free-spirited youths, get a few lime phosphates in our system, and before you know it we're rolling up our blue dungarees to impertinent heights, styling our hair into an ill-mannered pompadour and beating up our own fathers and rolling 'em for spare change. Such rash acts can lead almost directly to juvenile delinquency. What About Juvenile Delinquency is not afraid to ask the tough questions, none of which, surprisingly, is, "What about juvenile delinquency?" Rather it takes on the abstruse but no less important questions such as, "How close can we can get to an acne-scarred teen's face before it's too close?" Mike, Kevin and Bill answer the question What About Juvenile Delinquency with a hearty, "Sounds good!"
S03E42 - 08/05/2009 - Snap Out of It
The 50's are back with a simple message for you—Snap Out of It! "But," you protest, "I only—" Hey, the 50's are gonna stop you right there. Don't say another word. Doesn't matter what mealy-mouthed, limp- wristed, it's-somebody-else's-fault bull crap excuse you were about to offer, the 50's are gonna say the same thing: Snap the hell out of it! And in Snap Out Of It, when laconic high schooler Howard starts in with some garbage about how he should have got a better grade on blah-blah whatever whatever, the answer was the same. Hey, H-man! Snap out of it! And Howard knew to slick back that hair, hitch up the dungarees and get down to the business of snapping out of it. Mike, Bill and Kevin snap out of their own funk, and into a Slim Jim, to take on Snap Out Of It.
S03E43 - 12/05/2009 - Toward Emotional Maturity
Featuring the beautiful but volatile Sally, a girl who loves Hank with all her heart one moment, and the next wants to cut him into thin slabs with her fencing épée and feed him to her dog. Along the path to maturation, Sally must learn to control her emotions, and, in one terrifying scene, put down a violent riot of her fellow students, the likes of which makes a Pistons/Pacers game seem like a Friends' Meeting. Mike, Bill and Kevin move toward—toward, mind you, not near, or close to, or anywhere within several hundred miles of—but Toward Emotional Maturity.
S03E44 - 22/05/2009 - Alcohol Trigger Films
When a short entitled Alcohol Trigger Films turned up at RiffTrax HQ, we jumped at the chance to riff it. After all, everyone who works here is a big fan of the subject matter: trigger films. Alcohol we can give or take. But a chance to watch even one Trigger Film, let alone a collection of three Trigger Films, back to back to back…We were so excited we pulled the bottle of Wild Turkey out of our desk drawer for a little early-afternoon celebration (we lied, we're actually pretty fond of alcohol, too.) Alcohol Trigger Films explore three different booze-related scenarios. The general theme seems to be that alcohol is the only way to explain the horrible 70s fashion choices that each character is sporting. Amazingly, for a film about the consequences of drinking, the issue of vulgar, slurred wedding toasts never arises. Instead, we witness a series of mundane alcohol-related events, where nothing really all that bad happens. In fact, the one party that the seventh graders throw looked like a pretty sweet time.
S03E45 - 14/07/2009 - Back to School With Joan Miller
Yes, it's that's time again—time to go back to school. And when it's time to choose with whom you'd like to go, the options are nearly limitless: your uncle Barney, Richard Simmons, that guy who sits in front of you at church and occasionally cleans his ears with his keys, Pruane2, Jewel, or possibly one of the Baldwins. Well, the idea that you should return to school accompanied by Joan Miller is given a fair and compelling hearing in the colorful short Back to School with Joan Miller. Yes, Joan Miller, designer extraordinaire, creator of dresses and suits that span an extraordinary range from conservative, plaid two-piece suits, to conservative plaid two-piece suits complemented by a hat. And BtSwJM offers not just two or three examples of her work, but rather a seemingly endless march of them, by the hundreds they come, one after another, modeled by strange-eyed shapeless women, driven relentlessly on by the sting of Joan Miller's whip. Take notes, because there will be a test as Mike, Kevin and Bill go Back to School with Joan Miller.
S03E46 - 17/07/2009 - Highway Mania
Sometime between the invention of pyromania and the discovery of Beatlemania, the country suffered a frightening outbreak of Highway Mania. Accounts of the disorder are sketchy, but if the film Highway Mania is to be believed, it involved shaving your head, scarring your face with a good, strong liter or two of muriatic acid, and then climbing in your car and driving like Lizzy Grubman while—and this is very important, critical, even— cackling like a community theater actress in a bad production of Hansel and Gretel. While you did this a team of three different narrators described in purple prose the horrors you were visiting upon the land. You, however, remain singularly focused on your cackling. (Don't be too hard on yourself; highway mania is a disease, just like alcoholism or embezzling.) Somehow hurricanes and cruise ship sinkings are also involved and probably your fault. Join Mike, Bill and Kevin as the catch the fever that is Highway Mania.
S03E47 - 21/07/2009 - The Bill of Rights in Action
It seems that forty years ago, one out of every three instructional films was about The Bill of Rights (the rest were about either syphilis and/or Mr. Bungle.) So it was only natural that we'd finally get around to riffing a short focused on the Bill of Rights, and we had just the one in mind! Unfortunately, that episode of Schoolhouse Rock where the bill becomes a law proved far too expensive to acquire, and we had to go with Plan B. Plan B turned out to be The Bill of Rights in Action. It proved far more exciting than The Bill of Rights Takes it Easy and is a veritable thrill ride compared to The Bill of Rights is Feeling Kind of Hungover, So Could You Put On the 'Saved By The Bell' Marathon and Pick Him Up a Gatorade and a Breakfast Burrito. And even though we wish it would focus more on our favorite amendment (#9, Protection of rights not specifically enumerated in the Bill of Rights, booyah), it makes the admittedly more populist choice and focuses on the granddaddy of all rights, Freedom of Speech. It's a delightful romp where a pale Nazi goon rants outside of a synagogue and gets his ass handed to him by an enraged mob. So all things considered, it is far less creepy and disturbing than the episode of Schoolhouse Rock would have been. Mike, Kevin and Bill exercised their freedom of speech by getting tattoos of the "Conjunction Junction" conductor. They're not telling where.
S03E48 - 23/07/2009 - Shake Hands with Danger
The world of Safety Instructional Films breaks down into two distinct categories: Shake Hands with Danger, and everything else. If you like your hair feathered, your glasses huge and your moustaches grown at an eighth grade level, this is the short for you. Narrated by a guy who was rejected from the Dukes of Hazard narrator job for sounding too much like a cotton-pickin' bumpkin, Shake Hands with Danger explores the terrifying world of construction work. Sponsored by the Caterpillar heavy machinery company, it chronicles the myriad of ways you can hurt, dismember, maim or kill yourself using Caterpillar brand heavy machinery. No action is free from potentially life-ending consequences! Even if you stay home and lock yourself indoors, the bulldozer will just barrel your house over before seeking out the rest of your family!! Nobody is safe!!! Nobody!!!! Yes, riff fans of all ages will enjoy this lighthearted timecapsule of the 1970s, set to one of the catchiest Industrial Safety-based jingles we've ever heard. Mike, Kevin and Bill have never shaken hands with Danger, but they did give Danger that "fist bump then explosion" thing, and then Danger called them all "Bro-seph."
S03E49 - 28/07/2009 - Wing Claw and Fang!
When we think back on the list of the great entertainers of the past century, a few names universally come to mind: Sinatra. Carson. Lohan. And Jimmy. No, not Jimmy Walker. And not Jimmy Stewart, (Really? You guessed Jimmy Walker before Jimmy Stewart?) We're of course talking about Jimmy the Raven, sparkplug of the glorious ensemble cast of Wing, Claw and Fang. Yes, despite sounding like a sleazy Nevada law firm, or perhaps items from a LARPer's daily checklist, Wing, Claw and Fang is actually a cavalcade of Hollywood's animal stars. Jimmy leads the way, with his hilarious signature bit of stealing freshly laid eggs and devouring them in front of the distraught hens. But there's also a heapin' helpin' of tricks form Pete the Penguin, who wows as he "Goes Down the Stairs" and Jesse the Lion, who "Appears to Maul his Trainer Quite Severely." Yes, Wing, Claw and Fang proves once again that there's no better way to entertain humans than humiliating animals for our amusement. Mike, Kevin and Bill gave up on stealing their eggs straight from the hen house after Farmer Dan installed a particularly effective scarecrow.
S03E50 - 11/08/2009 - The Tale of Moose Baby
Ladies and gentlemen: Moose Baby. Think of Howard Carter as first he gazed upon the freshly unsealed chamber of the tomb of Tutankhamen; that should give you some sense of the awe and wonder we felt as we sat in a nondescript screening room poring over a series of colorless and uninteresting shorts only to discover the rare and precious gift that is Moose Baby. To try to describe it would be to rob it of some of its magic. He is Moose Baby. "But what is it about?" you quite reasonably ask. It is not about anything. It is Moose Baby. "Who made it? Where did it come from?" No one knows. There are no credits, no markings of any kind. It is untraceable. It is a beautiful mystery. It is Moose Baby. He is Moose Baby. Drink it in, and you will be one with Moose Baby.
S03E51 - 25/08/2009 - Flying Stewardess
Flying Stewardess takes us for an airborne jaunt through the wild blue yonder. Hop on board a spacious plane, where you'll be treated like a king. Enjoy a delicious steak dinner, served to you by a smiling stewardess. After that, treat yourself to a complimentary cocktail before retiring to your own bed in the sleeping cabin. You'll arrive at your destination refreshed and relaxed. Yes, Flying Stewardess is one of the most chilling science fiction shorts we've ever seen. Set in the bizarro realm known as "The 1940s", it is not—as you may have guessed—a tale of a Stewardess who gains the power of flight after a freak tray-table accident. It is actually a biting satire of the airline industry as a whole. (WARNING: Satirizing the airline industry may not be a wise idea. A sharp uptick in sitting next to shrieking babies, Bluetooth headset guys and people requiring multiple seat belt extenders may occur as a result.) Mike, Kevin and Bill were all chastised repeatedly by their stewardess for pointing out that their seats did not properly recline during the recording of this short.
S03E52 - 28/08/2009 - Constance Bennett's Daily Beauty Rituals
Where should one turn when looking for beauty advice? To the fashion magazines that litter our grocery store checkout aisles, with their fresh-faced starlets with perky bods and millions of dollars? Hardly! Instead, refer to the comforting, matronly advice of Constance Bennett, an actress you've never heard of from the 1930s. Yes, despite being dead for well over half a century, Constance Bennett's Daily Beauty Rituals remain as relevant as ever, for girls of any age. Husbands, boyfriends and homecoming dates everywhere will issue a contented sigh as they see you descend a staircase, having followed Constance Bennett's advice and applied a coat of makeup thick enough to bury a small cat in. Then they will hastily remember that they left something on the driver’s seat of their car and excuse themselves. Completing the "Rituals Trilogy" that also includes Constance Bennett's Daily Voodoo Rituals, and Constance Bennett's 45 Minute Long Hand-Washing Ritual, Constance Bennett's Daily Beauty Rituals will leave you wondering how you were ever beautiful without it!
S03E53 - 04/09/2009 - Teenagers On Trial
Someone has to be on trial. It may as well be teenagers. And they deserve it, too, what with their shenanigans, the hell-raking, their common thuggery, rough manners and unkempt flat-top haircuts. I don't think it would be overstating things to say that teenagers are the largest threat facing this great nation, causing more destruction than the boll weevil and potato weevils combined! Teenagers on Trial does not shrink from showing us the hard truth, which is that your average teenager would knock you off your bike and take it just as soon as look at you. (That is, if he wasn't currently at his Model United Nations meeting.) Thankfully they get what's coming to them, and that's a darn good trial! Kevin, Mike, and Bill, two of them former teenagers, give the teenagers a stern, but sympathetic hearing-out in the thrilling new short Teenagers on Trial!
S03E54 - 08/09/2008 - Cork - Crashes and Curiosities
If there's one thing that a small niche of people like, it's car racing! It's all there: the drama, the passion, the guy who for some reason shouts "Boogity Boogity Boogity." But we understand that for some people, sitting for hours and watching cars do five hundred laps around a track can be a bit too much excitement to handle. For them, Cork – Crashes & Curiosities provides a thrilling glimpse into a time in racing when the stakes were much lower, and cars were not capable of going nearly as fast. And when you think of the great hotbeds of car racing, such as the American South and Further Down In the American South, no doubt third on your list would be Ireland. Yes, the land where they grow Lucky Charms cereal is the setting for this short, and a babbling Irishman provides a narrative that at times can actually be considered moderately coherent. May the road rise to meet you as you take a manic jaunt in your jalopy through Cork – Crashes & Curiosities!
S03E55 - 11/09/2009 - What It Means To Be An American (Part 1)
In 2009, if you ask someone What It Means To Be An American you'll get a simple response: a willingness to deep-fry anything and everything. But back in the fifties, before anyone had invented deep-fried cigarettes, it wasn't as clearly defined. School children, construction workers, zoo keepers, cosmonauts-in-training, gaffers, carnies, unemployed janitors, First Lady Eisenhower, TV Clowns, drifters, tight ends, falconry enthusiasts; none of them had any idea What It Means To Be An American. Nowhere was this more clear than with the producers of the short, What It Means To Be An American. Clearly the recipients of a Brewster's Millions-esque financial windfall that they were forced to spend within a certain amount of time or else lose it, they created the most incoherent and rambling testament to American-ness since the inaugural address where Grover Cleveland asserted that leprechauns were controlling the world's supply of tea. Falconry enthusiasts Mike, Kevin and Bill team up to riff Part One of What It Means To Be An American, despite its appalling lack of falcons.
S03E56 - 15/09/2009 - The Case of Tommy Tucker (Part 1)
This extraordinary film dares to do something no other safety short has ever dreamed of: killing its 9-year-old title character and sending him to hell; a hell run by two doughy, charisma-free demons wearing sensible jackets. Yes, Tommy Tucker, our protagonist, is a whiny, friendless little twerp who devotes himself to the petty hectoring of his fellow citizen. His dream of transforming his local institutions into an all powerful nanny state is cut short, however, when one fed-up individual decides to polish his bumper on Tommy's midsection. And so Tommy goes to hell (which would have been a fine and fitting end to the matter, but alas, it's not to be), and instead of reacting with horror and regret at his eternal separation from God, Tommy sizes the place up and finds it not half bad, but all things considered, he'd rather be home bothering folks. Kevin, Bill and Mike try their best to find a reason, just one reason, that Tommy shouldn't, in fact, spend a nice long eternity in hell.
S03E57 - 18/09/2009 - What It Means To Be An American (Part 2)
Several of us were left frustrated when What It Means to Be An American: Part 1 ended without answering the titular question. In fact, many of you noticed that it did not in fact appear to address the question, or even show the faintest hint that it was aware that it would later be titled What It Means to Be An American. But lest you grow so disgusted with the WIMTBAA series that you decide not to show up to find out how the saga ends (See: The Matrix Reloaded), rest assured that What It Means to Be An American: Part 2 provides adequate* closure** to the series, answering*** all of your questions.**** Mike, Kevin and Bill stand at attention to riff Part 2 of What It Means to Be An American, truly the Godfather***** 2****** of Shorts Sequels.
S03E58 - 22/09/2009 - The Case of Tommy Tucker (Part 2)
When last we left Tommy Tucker he had died and was just beginning an eternal stint on Safety Island, a particularly dull outpost in the vast Hell empire. The demon in charge of enslaving his soul (a big-chinned guy, as most evil people are) had been extolling the virtues of the dead Tommy Tucker, while Tommy himself was making noises that, all things considered, he’d rather be home pestering his fellow students and occasionally snacking from the paste jar.
S03E59 - 25/09/2009 - Women In Blue
Women in Blue tells the tale of one of baseball's most storied franchises, the Los Angeles Dodgers. Actually, that's not true. We just have an Oakland A's fan on our staff who remains incredibly bitter about the 1988 World Series. In retrospect, it was a poor decision to let him write this description's opening sentence. No, Women in Blue does not tell the tale of Kirk Gibson, Orel Hershiser and the rest of the Dodgers squad that shocked the nation and cost our mailroom guy thousands of dollars in "sure thing" bets. It is instead a peek behind the scenes at the "WAVES", an all female division of the Navy during World War II. Take a look around the exciting life of a WAVE which involves marching, calisthenics... trips to the dining hall... bed making... zzzzzz. Wait! They also shoot guns! And not just pistols, we're talking GUN guns. Guns that make the Guns of the Navarone look like super-soakers! Then several more hours of classroom studies, but, hey! Guns! Mike, Kevin and Bill attempted to dress as women and enlist in the WAVES but were denied admittance for violating rule 106-F, "No 80s comedy movie clichés shall be allowed."
S03E60 - 13/10/2009 - A Circus Wakes Up
Contrary to what many of you are thinking, A Circus Wakes Up is NOT a wrenching adaptation of a short story by Philip Roth that recounts the heartbreaking tale of Bernard Circus, a Classics professor at Columbia, who is forced to confront his shattered marriage, his failure as a father, and a decidedly lackluster academic career. No, it is in fact a rather bizarre little behind-the-scenes short that very quickly confirms what we’ve always suspected: the dizzying revulsion we all feel when confronted by a circus is entirely—ENTIRELY—justified. The inhuman stunts, the macabre animal acts are, in fact, performed by exactly the type of twisted outcasts you cross the street to avoid (of course your choice gets tough when that guy from Radio Shack is on the other side…) And if you think you can get through this without being very, very disturbed by a clown, then you need to seriously reset your expectations vis-à-vis being very, very disturbed by a clown. Mike, Kevin and Bill don their shiniest top hats, their most resplendent red cutaway jackets, and their tightest bun-hugging jodhpurs and say, “Oh, we’re riffing A Circus Wakes Up today? What an amazing coincidence.”
S03E61 - 16/10/2009 - American Thrift (Part 1)
American Thrift is a touching tribute to the “Woman American”, brought to you by Chevrolet. Just who is the Woman American you ask? Why, she is the one that those who sell and manufacture what is sold know is the one who decides what we come to buy of what is sold and manufactured. From budgeting the purchase of puppy dogs, packs of pens, and canned eel at the local Food Giant, to planning trips to Nassau, the Woman American is the solid rock on which the home is built. Unfortunately, one power the Woman American does not seem to have is the ability to prevent the Man American from driving around endlessly until he runs out of gas looking for parking meters with time still on them. In fairness, she did try, but he clobbered her with a tirade of saliva-spewing expletives that the laws of decorum do not allow us to reproduce here. Of course, that was in the Martin Scorsese director’s cut which is unavailable for riffing. We assure you this version is safe viewing for the entire family—except maybe for a disturbing scene in which a room-full of young Ron Howards get naked and exchange their pants. Mike, Kevin and Bill are joined by the definitive example of the Woman American herself — Veronica Belmont — co-host of Revision3’s tech-centric show Tekzilla, and Qore on the PlayStation Network.
S03E62 - 10/11/2009 - Call It Free (Part 1)
Fortunately, Call It Free brings all your grease monkey fantasies to life. A Dizzy Dame, whose husband affectionately nicknames her Hank (due to her resemblance to the legendary country musician, Waylon Jennings), has car trouble. How will the local gas station manager treat her? With respect and helpful advice? Or will he nickel and dime her for repairs she doesn't need on parts her car doesn't even have? If you have to ask these questions, it's quite obvious that you are a visitor from a foreign planet. You might have luck finding employment at a nearby gas station.
S03E63 - 18/12/2009 - Christmas Rhapsody
George Bailey running down the streets of Bedford Falls. Linus explaining to a hushed audience what Christmas is really about. A desperate Arnold suiting up as Turbo Man for the Christmas parade. In no specific order, these were our top Christmas movie moments. But we think that after watching Christmas Rhapsody, you will agree with us that the scene where the The Forester's family sings an off-key version of "Silent Night" to their Christmas Tree has to belong in our top three. So goodbye George Bailey! Happy new year to you—in jail!!! Or just not on our list, whatever. Yes, Christmas Rhapsody, the latest entry in the Rhapsody series, comes fresh on the heels of Thanksgiving Rhapsody and Cyber Monday Rhapsody. And though Webster's defines Rhapsody as "A highly emotional utterance or literary work", most of us know that the true meaning of Rhapsody is a depressed sentient Christmas tree, bemoaning its own "No Account" status in the world. If Charlie Brown's Christmas Tree and Eeyore the Donkey had a baby whom they denied the prozac it so desperately needed, it would still be more fun to talk to than the tree in Christmas Rhapsody. Yes, we just created a donkey/tree hybrid baby who is evidently able to talk and has been prescribed Prozac by a medical professional. We need help. You, on the other hand, just need a dose of Christmas Rhapsody!
S03E64 - 22/12/2009 - Christmas Dream
Santa Claus, famous fat Saint, is best known for his advances in forced deer flight and his work as a firm-but-fair elf foreman. But the man is even more gifted than his great big sack (*cough*), as we learn in the supernatural thriller Christmas Dream! Call him Professor X-mas, as his telepathic powers will awe and terrify you. (Did you call him Professor X-mas yet? No? Fine, whatever.) One Christmas Eve, a foolhardy young girl discards a toy she is no longer interested in upon seeing her new, less-horrible toys. Never mind that the forgotten toy was little more than a hot dog with hair, this is a transgression that the patron saint of creepiness cannot forgive! While the girl slumbers peacefully, like the total selfish jerk that she is, St. Nick enters her dreams to give the monstrous doll life. It proceeds to torment her with its special brand of high-pitched Christmas horror. Will she learn her lesson and accept that change is always bad, or crack under the pressure and find herself in an asylum for children, gnawing on her own hair? Either way, this doll is gonna break a lot of her stuff! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they dance the mad carnival dance our dark lord Santa demands in Christmas Dream!
S03E65 - 22/12/2009 - Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
The story of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer has been told and retold countless times, in film, TV and song. All of those other versions are better than this one. Even the cold war-era East German version "Rudolf van der Schlittenfahrt", which features far more marching and distant machine gun fire than a Christmas special ever should. The short begins with the bold step of having a song which relates the entire story of Rudolph to the audience, rendering itself redundant. It then takes the even bolder step of completely disregarding the well-established Rudolph canon to tell its own twisted version of the tale. A version that involves ice skating reindeer and provocatively-dressed reindeer moms. A version where Santa and the reindeer deliver presents to other reindeer and rabbits. Where are the human children? What kind of vengeful god created this world? Why is Rudolph's luminous nose referred to as being "twice as bright as a beet" multiple times? Why? WHY!? These questions are best pondered over a warm mug of eggnog, with the assistance of Mike, Kevin and Bill. (Please refrain from adding your own "Like George Washington!" at any point in time during the short.)
S03E66 - 24/12/2009 - The Night Before Christmas
It’s the sunniest Night Before Christmas yet. Not a creature is stirring, not even the stuffed, mummified mouse that’s lovingly stapled to the floor. Sugarplums dance in the heads of children, causing the children to wonder, what’s a sugarplum, and why would it dance so suggestively? At the heart of it all is a man with one simple goal—a long winter’s nap, uninterrupted by any sort of clatter. Boy is he in for a surprise! Hold on to your stocking cap (or, as we know them today, sleeping hat) and prepare for a holiday home invasion the likes of which you’ve never seen. Unwantable toys will be given, boys will wear dresses, and the reindeer will test all limits of tiny-ness! It’s a story as fresh and timeless as that 4th of July egg salad you’ve been meaning to take out of the trunk. So check out The Night Before Christmas now, before Disney adapts this half-page poem into a 4-hour epic next year.
S03E67 - 30/12/2009 - Three Magic Words
Have you ever been on the Disneyland ride, "It's a Small World After All"? Wait, where are you going! Come back! This short isn't about that ride. It contains no references to that ride. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up so abruptly. Here, breathe into this paper bag. Stop muttering to yourself, it'll be alright. But seriously, the song from "It's a Small World After All" is going through your head now, isn't it? Well Three Magic Words features a song that is twice as catchy! What keeps it from making you want to rip the Hammer, Anvil and/or Stirrup out of your ears using needlenose pliers? It's about Pork! Yes, Pork, the delicious substance we've been known to indulge in every now and then here at RiffTrax. And since we buy it using the titular Three Magic Words, we'll always know we've got the best pork. What are the Three Magic Words? Quality, freshness and flavor! How do we remember these? Because they are repeated approximately 837 times during this ten minute short! Join Mike, Kevin and Bill as they are serenaded about the joys of quality, fresh, flavorful pork. Over...and over...and over again.
S03E68 - 05/01/2010 - Parade of Aquatic Champions
Aquatic Champions. For years their achievements went largely unnoticed, mainly due to the fact that everyone can quickly come up with a list of dozens of things they would rather do than watch someone swim competitively. Five just sprang to your mind while reading this sentence alone. But in 1948, on a warm summer day in Beverly Hills, the world stood up and took notice for the first annual Parade of Aquatic Champions. The world then quickly realized why they had never thrown one before or ever would again. Abandoning many of the traditional parade conceits on the grounds that in water, floats tend to sink quickly and cause mass death, the Parade of Aquatic Champions instead focused mainly on introductions. One by one, the breathless narrator introduced the chlorine-bleached heroes, whose names spring readily to mind even over sixty years later: Norman Spear Jr. Stubby Kruger. Anita Lowez. To call them mere cultural icons would be to spit in their faces. Instead, the participants in the Parade of Aquatic Champions transcend greatness itself. Especially when they're demonstrating something called the "Trudgeon Stroke". Take a belly flop with Mike, Kevin and Bill into the sea of tedium, bacteria and greatness that is the Parade of Aquatic Champions.
S03E69 - 26/02/2010 - American Thrift (Part 2)
For the past four months, there has been a gaping hole in Thrift-related RiffTrax content. After the release of American Thrift Part I, Thrift lovers everywhere were high and dry, left to wonder, much like Lost fans, whether or not the show's creators had an ending in mind the whole time, or whether they were making it up as they went along, a panicked narrator struggling to piece together the seemingly random footage whizzing by in front of him, first a woman trying on shoes, then a parade of red-headed children and now...a lighthouse?! Seriously, a lighthouse? You just spring a lighthouse that can see into the past out of nowhere?! There's only like a dozen episodes left, you had better make some progress towards a resolution quickly or els... Sorry about that! The previous copy writer has been assigned to full time duty on the 4815162342.com forum. Meanwhile, we're happy to report that American Thrift Part II easily joins Three Ninjas Kick Back and Superbabies: Baby Geniuses II on the short list of the greatest sequels of all time. Everything you loved about the first one is back. Yep, that's back! That too! I know, it's great, isn't it?! OK, we admit it. We have no idea what American Thrift is actually about, and we doubt anyone involved with its production did as well. But it's the special kind of enthusiastic incoherence that makes it a joyous short to riff. And as far as "Tributes to the Woman American" go, it sure as hell beats "My Humps" and "Cougartown." Mike, Kevin and Bill did their part and drastically reduced their lottery ticket spending, just to be able to bring you part II of American Thrift.
S03E70 - 02/03/2010 - Molly Grows Up
There are some conversational topics that most men will avoid at all costs. Guessing a woman's age, Barbra Streisand's Yentl, and the appeal of Justin Bieber rank high among them. But there is one subject that rises above even these, one issue guaranteed to turn even the proudest male into a red-faced, mumbling fool. And that particular health concern is...well, you know. With the discomfort, and the products...come on, don't make me. Lunar cycles, and that thing you hear about girls living in the same dorm--oh YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!! Go to your room. Molly Grows Up is the story of a girl asking the tough questions. Like most children, she can't wait to become an adult, despite all evidence that it's really not all it's cracked up to be. When will it be her turn? When will she finally get to be encumbered by a cruel monthly beast hell-bent on her misery and embarrassment? There are plenty of women in her life ready to provide ambiguous information that hardly qualifies as "advice". There's the school nurse, who is far too interested in Molly and probably smells like cats. Then, Molly's mother, who seems to be sedated with those "nerve pills" they used to give unsatisfied housewives. And of course, Molly's sister, the middle-aged teen. Will Molly learn the horrible truth? Will her father successfully avoid the conversation altogether? Join Mike, Kevin and Bill as they try desperately to be excused from Health Class before the showing of Molly Grows Up.
S03E71 - 05/03/2010 - Call it Free (Part 2)
Call It Free Part 2 continues the madcap service station antics that viewers of Call It Free Part 1 demanded More, More, More* of! All of your favorite characters are back. Herb (not a woman). Jerry (not a woman). Hank, (astute viewers will recall that Hank is a woman.) But the second half of Call It Free also introduces a new character: Captain Jinx. Captain Jinx is, (and we are not trying to oversell him by any stretch of the imagination), the greatest cartoon character the world has ever seen! Morbidly obese, bright red and nude, he lives in the engine of your car, and has a big bag of rust that he spreads around if the engine if not properly maintained. This is how former Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda spends the offseason. This spreading of "Rust", combined with the complete absence of any substance known as "Jinx", makes one wonder why his name is not simply Captain Rust. Seems like that would make a great deal of sense. But when you're dealing with a woman named "Hank", you sort of let the suspension of disbelief carry you where it will. Captain Jinx is wreaking havoc on Hank's engine, and Hank's beloved husband speeds off to the mechanic to see what can be done about it. Will punches be thrown? Will Jinx junk Jerry's jalopy? And for all that is holy, what, who or when will be called free?! Find out these answers and more, when you join Mike, Kevin and Bill for the exciting conclusion to Call It Free! *The shrugged shoulders and confused expressions of Call It Free Part 1 viewers has been interpreted as them "demanding More, More, More"
S03E72 - 08/03/2010 - Story of a Teenage Drug Addict
Lindsay Lohan's meteoric rise to fame, and subsequent collapse in the glare of its harsh spotlight, is just a recent iteration of a tale as old as time. Many are quick to judge her, but in a world where the lines between tabloid news and honest journalism are increasingly blurry -- excuse me? Say what now? Who? Oh, my mistake. Yes, I see. The Story of a Teenage Drug Addict is the story of a teenager with plenty of reasons to become a drug addict. Everyone insists on calling him a teenager and making him attend high school, despite his obvious age of 40. He lives in a shoebox of a tenement apartment with his corpse-like mother, trading stories about why dad left in their constantly-shifting New York-ish accents. And, perhaps most damning of all, he has a unibrow that would make Captain Caveman blush. Unga bunga, indeed. With circumstances like these, what chance does our protagonist have against the temptations of dope, H, uppers, downers, sidewinders, lefties, righties, Betty Boopers, flim-flam-dongs and other fake drugs of the past? Will he turn back from the brink in time, or be consumed by a life of late night jazz parties with unfortunate-looking teens? Where on Earth are his tweezers? Learn the answers to these questions and try to achieve a contact high with Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they turn the grim pages of The Story of a Teenage Drug Addict!
S03E73 - 23/03/2010 - Following Instructions Game
Kids love to play games. It is an indisputable fact, much like the existence of former Yankee outfielder Oscar Gamble. But for a while, the only two games kids had to play were "Push a Hoop with a Stick" and "Hide Benjamin Franklin's whiskey." For obvious reasons, (in order: "This game blows" and "Getting sat on by a furious Benjamin Franklin"), kids eventually needed new games to play. Enter Hungry, Hungry Hippos. For centuries, it was rightly regarded as the pinnacle of game-dom and children the world over entered the "Race" (and/or "Chase") to "hurry up and feed their face." However, recent revisionist history has begun to shift this perception, and a challenger to the throne is now regarded by some academics to be the greatest game of all time: The Following Instructions Game. "How do you play," you ask? Simple..you do what adults tell you. "But wait," you say, "that doesn't sound like a game at all. It sounds like a thinly veiled scheme to get our stupider children to shut up and do what we want." And you would be right. But that didn't stop the makers of The Following Instructions Game from spending their substantial budget on a short film to convince children that Following Instructions could be just as fun as actually having fun. And oh what fun it is, as our hero, a dimwitted lad who is prone to coming into contact with wet paint, takes a clock to a repair shop before buying a loaf of bread! And there's an odd old man who speaks in rhyme! (Note: It is not Slick Rick, though that would have been awesome.)
S03E74 - 26/03/2010 - Little Lost Scent
For years the skunk has been the butt* of many a joke in pop culture. Due to our society's inherent anti-skunk bias, roles for these malodorous mustelids have been hard to come by. Pepe Le Pew is the go-to guy if you need a skunk in your picture. This is in spite of the fact that he is A) a shockingly offensive stereotype and B) a touch rapey. And for a while in the 80s, Stinkor: The Evil Master of Odors was getting a lot of buzz, before his secret Febreze addiction was discovered. But before either of these skunks ever skittered down a red carpet, one pioneering stinker broke the stench barrier, paving the way for all future Hollywood skunks and/or cats who accidentally got a white stripe painted down their back. That skunk was Gregory, the star of Little Lose Scent. Gregory comes from a time when men were men, women were broads and our president was bald. Feisty and fetid, he's a putrid pugilist who won't back down from a showdown, be it with man, beast or heavy industrial machinery that at one point in time really looks like it comes about three inches from killing him. Dogs? Gregory lays the smack down, Old Yeller style. Cats? Forget Cheezburgers, Gregory can has their asses. Two grizzly bears? Yes, Gregory fights two grizzly bears at once. You have to watch this short!
S03E75 - 30/03/2010 - An Aquarium in Action
Aquarium. Translated literally from the original Latin, it means "boredom box". Every day, thousands of aquariums are completely ignored by passersby in our nation's dentist offices and Chinese restaurants. They are also popular suicide destinations for little plastic scuba men. Aquariums are mainly known for making homes smell funny and, sooner or later, winding up empty out in the garage. An Aquarium In Action seeks to change all that. A rallying point for aquarium owners, or aquarists*, the film demonstrates just how exciting these bacteria farms can be. It does so by simulating the experience of staring at an impressively ordinary grade school aquarium for an extended period of time. Shiver at the intense action as the children struggle to save baby guppies from certain death in the maws of their own parents. Then watch the children wonder why they bothered saving these ugly little things in the first place, when seeing them devoured would have been much more awesome. Join Mike, Kevin and Bill as they see who can lick the most scum off the sides of An Aquarium In Action!
S03E76 - 02/04/2010 - Mr. Moto Takes A Walk
Without knowing who Mr. Moto* is, you're probably slightly confused about why you would want to watch him take a walk. "I can watch Mr. Jensen, the bald guy four doors down, take a walk anytime I feel like it," you say. Yes, we all know Mr. Jensen. He carries a miniature baseball bat and the neighborhood kids (mostly Bobby) started a rumor that he uses it to hit dogs with. While the holes in Bobby's story are numerous (Why a miniature bat Bobby?), there is one thing that is indisputable. Watching Mr. Moto take a walk is far more entertaining than Mr. Jensen. For starters, Mr. Moto takes a walk through the zoo. So right off the bat, you're seeing some crazy stuff. Second, a somewhat attractive lady accompanies Mr. Moto on his walk. Those of you who have seen Mrs. Jensen are now strongly in the Moto camp. But finally, sealing the deal firmly in favor of Mr. Moto is this: Mr. Moto is a monkey. On his walk, Mr. Moto (who is a monkey) undertakes the demented quest of traversing the entire alphabet, from A to Z, seeing one animal for each letter. Why he has chosen to spend his day this way is a mystery, especially seeing as he is a monkey. But it's an action packed journey full of mischief and exotic animals. And did we mention that he is a monkey?
S03E77 - 06/04/2010 - Seat Belts: The Life Saving Habit
Do you hate stuff that's designed to save your life? Does the inconvenience of having to flip the safety off your handgun before you use it to open a beer bottle drive you INSANE? Do you snicker and point at children wearing bicycle helmets, contemptuous of their willingness to believe "The Man"? Do you wiggle your way out of roller coaster restraints so you can raise both middle fingers boldly in the air? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you're going to absolutely hate Seat Belts: The Life-Saving Habit. This plea for reason provides a snapshot of some anti-seatbelt sentiments from the early 1980s. For example, "I've never worn one, but they look uncomfortable," "Hey, I'm a busy guy, I don't have time for this," and "Children are invincible." The film confidently (or, more often, passive-aggressively) debunks these powerful straw-man arguments in a noble attempt to save lives and subliminally advertise the safe, luxurious Audi sedan. One assumes the filmmakers went on to champion other controversial stances, such as "you probably shouldn't let your kids swallow broken glass." Climb into the back of a pick-up truck with Mike, Kevin, and Bill and ride down a bumpy road to a destination called Seat Belts: The Life-Saving Habit!
S03E78 - 27/04/2010 - Drawing for Beginners: The Rectangle
Can genius be taught? It is one of the great philosophical questions. With enough time, patience, and dedication, can the next Van Gogh be created? Or is the mastery of an artistic discipline something that only a few people are born with the inherent capacity for? The producers of the series Drawing for Beginners believe that a great artist lurks inside all of us, and with the proper attention and guidance, it may one day emerge like a beautiful butterfly, to bestow artistic gifts unto humanity the likes of which the world has never seen. Step one? Rectangles! Four lines, four right angles. Sounds easy right? WRONG! Improperly drawn rectangles are the second most common mistake witnessed by elementary school art teachers, right behind birds in the shape of lower case m's which most biologists agree make no evolutionary sense. It turns out rectangles are the foundation of all art. Don't believe us? What do the Mona Lisa, American Gothic and The Scream all have in common? Innovations in painted light, aerial perspective and irony? WRONG! The answer is rectangular frames! The next time you're in the Sistine Chapel, why don't you look up at the ceiling and tell us what shapes you see up there. Hint: not rhombuses. Still don't believe us? Pull a DVD off your shelf. Yeah, that one will do. Wait, is that...you own What About Bob? on DVD? No, no, I'm not saying it's bad, it just doesn't seem like the kind of movie you'd really want to watch repeatedly. Well, saying it's a gift doesn't exactly explain it, the person who gave it to you would still have to assume that you would want to - LOOK, the point is, what shape is the box? A rectangle! Art! Rectangles! They just go together! It therefore goes without saying that if you want to create art, you better damn well learn to draw your rectangles. And Drawing For Beginners: The Rectangle is as good a jumping off point as any...for weeding out the dullards who actually
S03E79 - 30/04/2010 - Kittens: Birth and Growth
Cats have a come a long way lately. They "hung in there", indeed, on the wall posters of America's cubicles. And now they are widely acknowledged as the foundation of the entire internet, and thus all modern culture. Remove the cats, and you're left with nothing. If not for the existence of confused-cat-dressed-like-Napoleon videos, people would have to send each other links to articles about inconsequential matters like foreign politics, science, or even discuss and examine their own feelings. In a word: ew. But little is known about where cats come from. Are they advanced alien beings, here to exploit our obvious delight at seeing them barf on our stuff? In exchange for pointedly ignoring us, they are given food, shelter, and an open-air toilet right in our living rooms. Cats form emotional bonds with humans so strong that they will wait 5, maybe even 10 minutes, before nibbling on the ear of a beloved owner after she has choked to death on a heart-shaped box of chocolates she bought for herself. What is the origin of these marvelous, sophisticated creatures? Kittens: Birth & Growth answers this important question, and teaches kids valuable lessons about getting excited for, and then immediately neglecting, adorable new pets. Watch and learn now, because you can rest assured the cats are watching and learning everything about us. Mike, Kevin, & Bill can has kitten short nowz?
S03E80 - 04/05/2010 - Reading: Who needs it?
Reading. Like it or not, (and as a people, we've cast a resounding vote for 'not'), it's something most of us have to do every day. Whether it's selectively combing news stories for the portions of them you agree with, figuring out what your $1.14 in change can buy you from the Wendy's drive-thru window, or trying to decipher the unspeakable, misspelled profanity left on the youtube video of your infant son laughing, reading is a part of our daily lives. But more and more often, people are starting to ask themselves Reading: Who Needs It? Granted, most of these people are biased against reading having just finished reading a Dan Brown novel, but it's still a question worth debating. Reading: Who Needs It? The Short attempts to address Reading: Who Needs It? The Question. We witness the daily lives of three illiterate High School students. The short intends to cast these kids in a negative light, but truly the achievement of progressing into your junior year of High School while all the while A) being illiterate and B) somehow keeping that a secret from everyone is quite remarkable in itself. We are told that these students are just three of "hundreds" of illiterate students in this high school. It is clear that this high school must be located in [insert part of the country you do not think highly of.] Will the illiterate actress learn to read in time to snag a role in the big school musical? Will the mechanic put down the socket wrench and pick up the books? Will the burgeoning basketball star continue doing things exactly as he was before, while still making more money for one game than most families earn in a year? Tune in to Reading: Who Needs It? with Mike, Kevin and Bill to find out!
S03E81 - 07/05/2010 - Families: Food and Eating
The Families series of shorts is a beloved franchise with many proud, vital installments. Some other favorites: Families: Food and Failure, Families: Lies & Videotape, and perhaps most popular of all, Families: Dead and Loving It. But true connoisseurs, those with the complete Criterion Collection set and no friends to speak of, know that Families: Food and Eating was the creative pinnacle; if you ask them about it at a party they will not leave you alone until you agree. Then they'll awkwardly inquire if your younger sister is single and you'll leave the party so quickly you forget your jacket. The film presents, in vivid detail, what a "Family" might do with some "Food" (no spoilers here). Shockingly, it seems there was a time when family eating consisted of more than choosing individual Hungry Man dinners to devour in front of separate bedroom televisions. We've come so far! Further, people in faraway countries like Japan, Mexico and "San Francisco" eat dinner in very different ways. Do you feel guilty about the ease with which you procure fine foods at your local supermarket? No? Well you should. Try to remember that next time you spend five minutes crafting a Facebook post about how irritating it is when Facebook doesn't load your Farmville statistics immediately, won't you? Mike, Kevin and Bill will take away that stupid PlayStation if you don't come down here RIGHT NOW for some Families: Food and Eating!
S03E82 - 11/05/2010 - Summer is an Adventure
We all have a certain summer memory. One that we find ourselves fondly reminiscing over as the days get longer and hotter. A memory of a different time, when we still retained our childlike innocence, but possessed a desire to stretch our wings and explore the world around us. These days, even though we are very different people, we still watch the sun go down, and our thoughts drift, however briefly, towards that moment when the world was so much simpler, and yet boundless with possibility. Ours is the time when we got a Bubble O' Bill pop from the ice cream man, then threw a tantrum when our mom wouldn't buy us a second one, then opened the second Bubble O' Bill pop our mortified mother eventually bought for us as tears continued to stream down our face and people stared, then throwing it on the ground in disgust because the bubble gum nose was kind of smooshed and proclaiming that we wished we had never been born. Yes, the summer of 2007 was a heady time. The point is,Summer Is An Adventure. And whether your summer involves speedboats, hiking, or mostly just ice cream related petulance, you can certainly agree. The two young protagonists of Summer Is An Adventure are slightly better behaved than we were, (despite the bathing outfits they are forced to wear.) They even tolerate a narrator who occasionally lapses into speedboat-based poetry! But we know that deep down inside, the forced nature walks and firefly collecting of Summer Is An Adventure will eventually unleash a sweaty, sandy, sunburned hellbeast of a child, one that even the sweet, sweet allure of Bubble O' Bill's candy nose cannot tame! But they might be willing to listen for a Choco Taco... Mike, Kevin and Bill are always willing to riff for a Choco Taco
S03E83 - 18/05/2010 - Beginning Responsibility: Taking Care Of Your Own Things
Every now and then you meet a child who forever changes your perception of how stupid a child can be. There's your second cousin's boy, Leon, who spends summer afternoons black-widow-huntin' in the woodpile. Or little cross-eyed Margie, with her affinity for drinking liters of pond water. And of course Stephen, the kid who insists Notes from Underground is Dostoevsky's finest literary accomplishment when it's clearly one of his mid-level works. I mean, honestly, Stephen, grow up. But all of these little morons are blown away by the force of Reggie, star of Beginning Responsibility: Taking Care of Your Own Things. Reggie sleepwalks through life. He's perpetually confused and overwhelmed by his bedroom full of toys, which are all in such sorry shape Goodwill employees would spit in your face if you attempted to donate them. Since his parents have given up on Reggie long ago, it's up to this deranged menagerie of busted junk to come to life and teach him threatening lessons. Yes, it's Toy Story on acid! But not the fun kind of acid, more like battery acid that spills out of an old remote control dog toy you haven't picked up in twelve years. Mike, Kevin and Bill try to keep little Reggie from swallowing their keys while they watch Beginning Responsibility: Taking Care of Your Own Things!
S03E84 - 21/05/2010 - Reading Growth: Basic Skills
Reading: for now, it is the only way to experience the approximately four remaining books that have not been made into movies (three, after this summer's CGI heavy adaptation of Frog & Toad are Friends. Sam Worthington will play both title roles.) So you'd better be sure that your Basic Reading Skills are not lacking! How can you be sure? We've prepared a simple test. Just identify the subject of the following sentence: "Totally grape ape, should our snorkel rubadub the two step, moon for sure." Ready? The answer was: Chester A. Arthur. First of all, if you got that wrong, SHAME ON YOU. But there is hope (amidst the SHAME!) The hope comes in the form of Reading Growth: Basic Skills which provides several helpful strategies for mastering reading, most of which make about as much sense as our example. Also, there is a frog, but it's not played by Sam Worthington. He is, however, much more successful at masking his Australian accent. Mike, Kevin and Bill identify the subject of this sentence as hilarity! And then feel deep SHAME because it turns out it was actually Chester A. Arthur again...
S03E85 - 28/05/2010 - Geography of Your Community
Many times we find ourselves mocking the content of the educational shorts we feature here at RiffTrax. Most of the time it is quite deserved; if you will recall, not too long ago we did a short entitled Buying Food. But occasionally we'll stumble across one like Geography of Your Community and think to ourselves, "Well done Coronet Films. Geography is an important thing for young minds to learn, and what better way to teach it to them than by making it relate to them using their own community as a learning tool. Then we saw the short. Geography of Your Community contains about as much Geography as the Transformers movies contained taste, wit and coherence. And by "Your Community" the makers meant aspecific community with specific features, such as an ice cream factory that many students will be unlikely to identify with, and much more likely confused and scared by. The creators don't stop there! Throughout the short, they pose questions to the viewer without answering them, with a vague promise that they will address the answers to them down the road, when instead there are only more questions. A Warning: This short may hit too close to home for fans of a certain TV show which just ended its six season run on ABC. Yes, Geography of Your Community is another short which falls spectacularly short of its admittedly modest goals. But educational failure is humor's gain, and Mike, Kevin and Bill are on hand to speculate along with the viewer why there is an ice cream factory in this town? Why the factory was built along the river? And who the hell named their child "Farmland"?
S03E86 - 01/06/2010 - The Parts of Speech
Parts. We all have them. Some of them are public, like elbows and unibrows. Some of them are private, like thigh pimples or the complete set of Bob Seger CDs that you pray your new girlfriend doesn't stumble across. But did you know that people aren't the only things with parts? Since we can't hear your answer, we'll assume you said, "No, that's surprising, please proceed with the comedic description." You got it, friends! It turns out the English language* is made up of several components, all laid out in The Parts of Speech. Some of them might be familiar, but if you've always struggled to define exactly why an adverb can modify not only verbs, but also adjectives and other adverbs...well, this short will be of no use to you. But it will dazzle you with its majestic beach scenes, featuring a boy far too old to be wearing that diaper, playful near-drownings, and the contemptuous monster of a narrator, Dr. Dwight L. Burton! Also, a beach towel is subjected to extreme homophobia. Join Mike, Kevin and Bill as they head to the ocean, the most logical location for confusing grammar lessons courtesy of The Parts of Speech!
S03E87 - 04/06/2010 - Watch Out For My Plant
Consider: a young boy, growing up in an urban setting with seemingly absentee parents, purchases a special plant from a quirky man who has assumed the moniker "Papa Nikolai". The boy goes on to guard his new greenery from others with a fervor that borders on the paranoid, lashing out at those who question his behavior. It may sound like a new PSA regarding a certain California legalization initiative, but in fact it's just our newest short, Watch Out For My Plant! If there's one thing little boys love, it's... baseball, or comic books, or hurting animals, or really ANYTHING but plants. But this kid is different. He's willing to spend hours hovering over a sprout that probably requires nothing more than a weekly watering and some sunlight, and we get to go along for the ride! We don't want to give away more than that, because frankly there's nothing more to give away. Mike, Kevin and Bill will do their very best to Watch Out For My Pl-- oh they crushed it. Really stomped all over it. Kevin, there's no need to set it on fire... well, great. Just great
S03E88 - 08/06/2010 - Values: The Right Thing To Do
One of the great questions ethicists have pondered over time has been "what is the right thing to do?" Meet Mr. Carson, who has never answered this question correctly. He's the man who puts the "wretch" in "eking out a paranoid, wretched existence living in filth off of disability." Mr. Carson hobbles through his neighborhood, finding items in various stages of disrepair that the honest, hardworking citizens have rightfully chosen to discard. Mr. Carson takes up these items that, while neglected by his fellow man, a subhuman shell like Mr. Carson can surely find some sort of use for. In the right hands, even something like a flat wagon wheel could be recycled into something useful, or at the very least, transformed into unappealing art. But Mr. Carson, trembling and unshowered, can't even be bothered to use the items he scavenges. He just throws them in a pile in his yard, and plasters up another "Keep Out" sign, though the idea of even slowing your gait while strolling past Mr. Carson's grim property, let alone trespassing on the blighted premises, is a prospect no rational man would entertain. There is one group that finds Mr. Carson endlessly fascinating: eight year old boys! And peering in through his brittle, dusty venetian blinds, the spectacle of Mr. Carson eating store brand beef stew directly out of the can proves to be the perfect summer day activity for one particular group of scamps. Everything changes, though, when the boys decide to intrude on Mr. Carson's solitude, and a deadly accident occurs. And by changes, we of course mean, "Gets a whole lot funnier." You know what? Strike that earlier sentence. There are two groups that find Mr. Carson fascinating: Eight year old boys, and Mike, Kevin and Bill, who riff with rapt attention, and the vague, unspoken unease that they are looking into their own near future.
S03E89 - 15/06/2010 - Family Teamwork
Do you ever stop to reflect on what an ungrateful, useless little puke you were as a child? Like when your father came home after his 60 hour work week with the new lunchbox he thought you wanted, and you threw a red-faced tantrum because it was Go-Bots, not Transformers? Or the time your mother served the stuffed turkey she spent the whole day perfecting, and you flipped it on the floor, shrieking that you wanted McNuggets and didn't love her anymore? Yes, children are terrible. And Family Teamwork gleefully drives that point home, with help from a brain-drilling theme wonderfully reminiscent of the music from Nintendo's Bubble Bobble. One boy turns sour when he learns his family's newfound poverty means they can't afford the trailer-tent he had his heart set on. Selfishly, he never thinks to ask how his family feels, or what the hell a trailer-tent might be. In this, and other scenarios, Family Teamwork serves up a heaping helping of shame, teaching kids important lessons about the joys of responding to passive-aggressive guilt. For the team! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Family Teamwork...as soon as they get off those dang skateboards...wait, they STILL haven't washed the car? Of all the no-good...great, there goes my ulcer
S03E90 - 18/06/2010 - Pearl of the Orient
Join the middle-aged drummer as this thrilling documentary follows his exploits during Rush’s 2009 Asian tour. Leaving in his wake several bottles of FiberCon, completely unnecessary drum kit pieces, and pulp 1950s Sci-Fi novels with highlighted passages marked “use for lyrics”, the man....what’s that? Oh, this isn’t Neil Peart of the Orient? My mistake. The makers of Pearl of the Orient set out to make a positive, uplifting piece about life in the heavily-bombed Philippine islands during the aftermath of World War II. And, if you consider third world poverty, rat-smashing, and utterly joyless wedding ceremonies “uplifting”, the filmmakers succeeded admirably! The tourism dollars surely flowed like a debris-tainted waterfall into the island nation after the world saw delightful images of villagers breaking their backs all day to harvest a half-cup of rice. Think about that next time you feel the urge to post on facebook “Stupid supermarket out of whole wheat linguini so had to settle for regular. FML!!!” Yes, it’s a nice reminder of how much we suck. There’s also a cockfight. You should buy this. Tag along with Mike, Kevin, Bill, and their newly-acquired Filipino wives for a trip to the Pearl of the Orient!
S03E91 - 25/06/2010 - Individual Differences
Meet Roy, elementary school student. Some children learn with more ease than others. Every child learns with more ease than Roy. He wants nothing from life except to be left alone: shy, silent, whittling off pieces of his desk in hopes that he’ll eventually find one that tastes good. But his ill-tempered, hatchet-faced teacher (we’ll call her “Howard”) will have none of that. She goes out of her way to make an example of his dimness in front of the class, in order to teach valuable lessons to the other kids. These lessons primarily consist of new and exciting ways to make fun of Roy. She especially likes comparing him to his golden-boy older brother, George. Oh, you know George? Yeah, he is great, isn’t he! Just so smart, and strong, but still humble and decent...sorry, got lost in a “George” moment. It’s hard not to when he’s so much better than Roy. Roy really is the turd in the punchbowl of that family. You have to wonder what happened in the gene pool there...I mean, uh, being different is cool! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they ponder the horrors of Individual Differences! And don’t forget a bag of rotten fruit to throw at Roy’s piano recital!
S03E92 - 29/06/2010 - Whatever The Weather
For years, The Weather has been the go-to topic for nervously discussing with your co-workers whenever you end up sharing an elevator with them after you fail to see them pull into the parking lot at the same time as you, leaving you unable to adjust your route on the fly. "Some weather we're having" you'll say, and they will grunt their assent. A few seconds later you'll notice that neither of you have pressed the floor button, and you'll lunge for it at the same time, then retract your fingers cautiously, before finally poking it with a vigor that instantly seems inappropriately emphatic. It would probably be less socially awkward for you to just kill and eat the co-worker right there, but instead, you chat about the weather. God forbid they end up leaving at the same time as you that afternoon. Yes, The Weather has been discussed to death. And yet somehow, Whatever the Weather manages to bring a fresh new angle to the topic. Of course, in order to find a fresh, new angle, they just made up some crazy analogy regarding weather and hats. You're not really even sure it was intentional until they hamfistedly try to tie it together in the final seconds. M. Night Shyamalan movies operate under the same principal. If you're a fan of weather, you probably don't get invited to too many parties, seeing as how that's an extremely boring thing to be a fan of. So while you're sitting at home, not partying, why not cue up the latest RiffTrax short, Whatever the Weather, with Mike, Kevin and Bill playing armchair meteorologist next to you? Forecasts call for a 60 percent chance of infectious laughter. Hang on, I'm being issued a correction. That should read 60% chance of severe thunderstorms. Take cover immediately
S03E93 - 02/07/2010 - Building Better Paragraphs
The bartender says "I was talking to the duck!" And, so it was finished, before it had even begun. She was a dark and stormy dame. Really, that's a badger? "Over there, behind the fake tree," she said. The record scratched at midnight, as it always does. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a terrible paragraph. If only it were possible to build a better one! But surely, a topic as pedantic and uninteresting as Building Better Paragraphs has never been covered by the dynamos at Coronet Films, has it? It has! Fans of crappy paragraphs, run and hide because Building Better Paragraphs is here to pummel your putrid paragraphs into submission! Building Better Paragraphs tells the tale of Susan, whose dog Major wins a prize at a dog show. Actually, it tells the tale of three children telling the tale of Susan & Major. While the rest of the class presumably learns important life skills such as the capital of Delaware, these three toil away at the back table, shaping their initial failure of a paragraph into something vaguely coherent. Can they build it into a better paragraph? Let's hope so, the bar was set awfully low. Can they shape it into an interesting paragraph? We're going to be honest, we have our doubts. Is one of the children in this short one of the strangest looking kids we've ever seen? We answer that with a hearty "Gahhhh!" Mike, Kevin and Bill have each built a better paragraph only to later find out the assigned topic was The Teapot Dome Scandal, not bacon
S03E94 - 06/07/2010 - Are People All The Same?
Teaching kids about the evils of racism in a clear, culturally-sensitive manner is a difficult task. Fortunately for us, it’s something the makers of educational shorts from decades past were woefully inept at! Are People All the Same? takes an interesting approach. In order to illustrate that people are all fundamentally the same, they go to great lengths to help you differentiate people based on race. This includes side-by-side comparisons of Japanese and Chinese children (no, really!) presumably so that kids can sort people out, and be sure to only use “pee pee in your Coke” based insults at the appropriate time. It’s a methodology that noted sensitivity expert Mel Gibson would support, saying “It’s [expletive deleted]-filled [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted], oh hey there sweetheart.” After building its argument, the film comes to a logical conclusion: a bunch of kids gather for a scream-filled, parent-free birthday party in an abandoned hovel. Proving that, ultimately, it doesn’t matter if people are all the same, because life is a chaos-filled nightmare with no one in charge. Are People All the Same? Mike, Kevin, and Bill sure hope not, because that would mean that we are all roughly equivalent to Kevin Federline.
S03E95 - 09/07/2010 - Mealtime Manners and Health
You may think you know your Mealtime Manners, but much like the recent Kevorkian biopic that, despite starring Al Pacino, was sadly neither unintentionally hilarious nor full of rapid fluctuations in vocal volume, You Don't Know Jack! Mealtime Manners & Health posits the radical notion that your observing proper manners while eating can have a positive effect on your health. Wait, that's not really so radical...Oh, that's right, the radicalnotion it puts forth is not that good Mealtime Manners can make you happier and healthier, but rather that Mealtime Manners can occur at any given part of the day. Playing a little league game? Better have good Mealtime Manners! Parked outside a tardy coworker's house, waiting for them to join the carpool Don't forget your Mealtime Manners! Just finished dinner and won't be eating another meal for roughly twelve hours? Mealtime manners, dammit!!! Yes, Mealtime Manners apply to virtually any social context. This may sound like a clumsy, even baffling point to you. We concede that this is most definitely the case. When they're on, the good people at Coronet Films could make a short that most people would generously describe as "dull yet coherent." When struggling to spend the last two hundred dollars of their state derived funds before a fiscal quarter deadline however, madness tended to be the prevailing theme. This short is joyously one of the latter. Mike, Kevin and Bill enjoy practicing Mealtime Manners in any number of situations, "while riffing a short" being right near the top of their list.
S03E96 - 23/07/2010 - Things Are Different Now
In honor of our new short, Things Are Different Now, we’d like to list some things that are different now. In 2004, Mel Gibson was featured in Time’s “Man of the Year” issue for the success and spiritual impact of his film The Passion of the Christ. Things are different now. In March 2010, you could take a swim in the Gulf of Mexico and emerge without looking like a cast member of The Jersey Shore. Things are different now. Prior to the release of The Last Airbender, critics and anyone else who was paying attention had written M. Night Shyamalan off as an overhyped egomaniac whose best work was well behind him. Things are...well, some things haven’t changed. The point here is, any kid who’s seen an after-school special or two knows that when an adult says “Things are different now,” what they really mean is “Things are now significantly worse.” Young Joey, the hero of our short, could attest to that. His voice has begun to crack, and his father has taken the Daniel Plainview approach to parenting - that is, to abandon one’s BO-OOOOY, to abandon one’s CHII-IIIIILD. Joey’s only source of comfort is his best friend, who is a creepy fat schmuck. Will Joey weather the storm and come out happy and well-balanced? Will the short bring these complicated, emotional issues to a satisfying and helpful resolution? If you’ve seen any of the educational shorts we present, you know the answer to that last question already. In the spirit of things being different now, Mike, Kevin and Bill will riff this short completely sober.
S03E97 - 06/08/2010 - William's Doll
It's every parent's nightmare: You're woken up at 3AM by a knock at your front door. When you open it, there's a somber looking policeman standing there, his hat in his hands. He avoids eye contact with you, and his voice quivers as he begins to speak. Before he even gets a word out, you know what he's going to say. "Sir," he quivers. "Your son...wants a doll." The producers of William's Doll want you to believe that a boy with a doll is perfectly normal. For some reason, they made a film that convinces everyone of the exact opposite. We here at RiffTrax are as open-minded as they come regarding childhood toys. Some of us even grew up playing with a toy called Stinkor: The Evil Master of Odors, and we turned out alright.* But by the time the train wreck of William's Doll comes to its unspeakable conclusion, you'll be taking to the streets with your fellow Doll Party members, seizing and burning every doll you find just so they never end up in the hands of a boy.** The twisted minds behind William's Doll made their defense of boys playing with dolls by combining two of the most loathsome things our planet has ever known: warbly 60's folk music and senior citizens. The guy who sings the William's Doll Theme sounds like Donovan singing Hurdy Gurdy Man after several months of gender reversal hormone treatment and a kick from a mule in what remains of his nads. But even that pales in comparison to William's grandfather, who walks in the door looking like the sun-dried corpse of Larry David and immediately begins his fiendish doll-enabling. Bright spots include William's Dad, a grown, presumably employed man who wears a red mesh hat with a Goofy patch, who would rather let his son play with a Super Soaker Oozinator*** than a doll. If you can find one of these hats, please let Mike, Kevin and Bill know. They'll trade you an Oozinator for it.
S03E98 - 10/08/2010 - Decisions Decisions
As any dorm poster covered in photographs of shots that no adult would actually order at a bar could tell you, “Life is full of difficult decisions.” Tommy, the hero of Decisions, Decisions, would surely agree. His life has recently been rocked, as he was forced to move to a decrepit farm in the middle of nowhere for the sake of his remarkably effeminate father’s “good job”. Tommy will get little support from his mother, a dazed, gin-soaked woman who would probably tell a stranger at the library about her favorite handkerchief for 30 minutes before nodding off between some plants (you know the type). One gets the feeling this is a family hiding from a dark and shameful past. Given this background, Tommy is ill-equipped to handle even the most basic decision. In this case, the decision is whether or not to hang out with Joey, the most horrible boy on the planet. Whiny, irritable, ugly, unpopular, and obsessed with painting his grandmother’s chicken coop, Joey is the kind of kid who wouldn’t even be welcome in a World of Warcraft community. Joey, with his offer of apples in exchange for friendship and coop-labor, distracts Tommy from the more important decision he should be making: to run far, far away. Mike, Kevin, and Bill decide, decide, to riff, riff, this short, short.
S03E99 - 13/08/2010 - Library World
School's out, and this summer, there's only one place to find elementary school children. No, not the basketball courts. No, not the movie theater. No, not the swimming hole, they cut down the rope swing after Tommy broke his leg. No, not the mall. No, not skateboarding in the parking lot. No, not knocking over a casino. No, not freeing giant killer whales from captivity. No, not protesting in advance the 2016 Sochi Winter Olympics. No, not recreating Jersey Shore episodes shot by shot with Playmobil figures. No, not... **TIME PASSES** No, not poaching rare California Condor eggs. No, not participating in college health department cold studies. No, not picking up Kanye West's dry cleaning. No, not the swimming hole, LOOK, WE ALREADY TOLD YOU THEY WEREN'T AT THE SWIMMING HOLE! THEY CUT THE DAMN TIRE SWING DOWN AFTER TOMMY BROKE HIS LEG. THEY ARE AT THE LIBRARY, OK? THE DAMN LIBRARY!!!! Yes, the library, or liberry, if you're an idiot, is the hot spot in town for fancy book learnin' (replacing Luigi's PizzaMat, which held the title from 2004-2009). Library World tells the story of two children who are on the verge of making this discovery: A little boy who's skeptical of how much fun you can have at the library and his friend, a more enthusiastic boy or girl who is well versed in the library-going experience. With the help of a hot rod stealing 70's tool, who breaks new ground in the field of "having nothing better to do", they'll learn that the library isn't just a place you can check out books from. It's also a place where homeless people can escape nasty weather because the librarians are too meek and defenseless to kindly ask them to leave because they're frightening other patrons. Mike, Kevin and Bill head on down to Library World, where they tried to find out where they keep the old stacks of National Geographics, but were too embarrassed to ask the librarian.
S03E100 - 16/08/2010 - The Fad Diet Circus
In preparation for working on Fad Diet Circus, we here at RiffTrax decided to try out a few of the more popular fad diets. We started with the “Macho Man Randy Savage Diet”, which allows only foods that you can “Snap into!” Then there was the “Soup-Made-From-the-Cheez-It-Crumbs-At-The-Bottom-Of-The-Box Diet” (use your own tears for broth). And of course the “Villain from the Muppet Movie Diet”, which consists entirely of Kermit the Frog’s legs (this one is known to true dietary insiders as the “Doc Hopper”). Finally we came to the “Penelope Cruz Diet”, permitting only food items you find while going through Penelope Cruz’s garbage. Thanks to this rigorous regimen, RiffTrax HQ has been temporarily relocated to the hospital, with one of us working remotely from prison (FORGIVE ME PENELOPE!!!!) You might expect a film called Fad Diet Circus to cover several different diets, or at least something, you know, “circus-y”. You silly fool! The filmmakers instead focus on the low-carb Atkins Diet. And by “focus on” we mean “aggressively attack”: one gets the feeling this hit piece was commissioned by Betty Crocker and the “time to make the donuts” guy. They even wrote an anti-Atkins torch song (really, we’re not kidding) and dressed the kindly old doctor up in a heinous plaid coat (there’s no way that coat was a voluntary choice) just to discredit him. Mike, Kevin, and Bill are willing to try any diet plan as long as the words “pork fat smoothie” are involved
S03E101 - 19/08/2010 - More Dangerous Than Dynamite
When the 1920's ended, America was left with a shortage of crazy fads. Goldfish went un-swallowed. Flagpoles went un-sat upon. Charleston's went un-charlestoned. Dozens of dead bodies were pried out of a single phone booth. By and large people stopped messing around and got back to work. It was horrible. But amidst the ceasing of Roaring, one major trend still managed to sweep the nation: washing your clothes with gasoline! Every housewife on Main St. could be found hitting up the local filling station, returning home with a reeking, volatile jug of gasoline, and submerging her delicates in it to get out those pesky grass stains. Haven't heard of this trend? That's because it never actually existed. But that didn't stop...
S03E102 - 31/08/2010 - Alone At Home
In honor of Alone at Home, we did a little research on a similarly-titled film only to discover that Macaulay Culkin recently turned 30. That’s right, the kid from Home Alone is 30 years old. How ‘bout that for a dose of reality? A reminder of time’s cruel, relentless march? Did you just clear your throat, or was that an early taste of your own death rattle Can you really know? This cheerful reminder of mortality brought to you by RiffTrax.com! While Mr. Culkin’s defining film (pipe down, Pagemaster fanfic authors) and Alone at Home share the same basic theme, there are key differences. Little Kevin McAllister is left unsupervised accidentally. The parents in Alone at Home, however, make the same choice quite intentionally. Where have they gone? No answer is given. Why have they gone? A few minutes with the awkward, goony children they’ve left behind is all the explanation you’ll need. Seriously, there’s a kid so odd and skinny you’ll be up at night wondering where his bones and organs fit, yielding nightmares you won’t soon escape. If Home Alone’s notorious Wet Bandits had shown up at his house, they would have turned away in sadness, and perhaps launched a food drive. Mike, Kevin, and Bill have not been Alone at Home for years, because their wives know they’d just eat sticks of butter and wind up sticking their fingers in the electrical outlets again.
S03E103 - 07/09/2010 - Telephone For Help
What would you do if you visited an elderly aunt only to find her injured on the floor? Would you regret that you had not been there when she fell from the stepladder, because if you had you could have captured the hilarious moment on video? Uploaded the video to YouTube, to see it become an instant sensation? Then awaited the inevitable dance remix, complete with her auto-tuned screams? And then finally felt a sense of culminated pride when a friend sent you a link to that same remix being played at someone’s wedding? Which you sneakily watched on your Smartphone while visiting your injured aunt in the hospital? Well, naturally, all of that would be the correct answer in today’s world. But Telephone For Help comes from a simpler time, a time when phones were shackled to walls via so-called “wires” and could only be used for boring, mundane things like calling for help (or as a platform for the work of important artists like The Jerky Boys). Thrill at the injuries! Shudder in suspense as the dim-witted children decide whether or not to use the phone! Sweat your face off as you watch an emergency response team so slow they surely inspired the Public Enemy classic “9-1-1 Is A Joke”! Mike, Kevin, and Bill were gonna Telephone For Help but they accidentally spent three hours looking for the highest-quality “Bed Intruder remix” ringtone instead.
S03E104 - 14/09/2010 - What If We Had a Fire?
Some questions are as old as time. “Why are we here?” “Can love really last?” “Who let the dogs out?” “Is corn grass?” But there’s one ancient question that’s sure to chill you to the bone, when asked creepily by your five-year-old after a long pregnant pause: What If We Had A Fire? It’s a simple query that can draw a lot of attention: just ask a certain Floridian minister who was recently in the news. But while the question of “who didn’t start the fire?” was well and thoroughly answered by the esteemed Mr. Joel, this matter has gone woefully unaddressed. No longer! The young star of our film goes after the issue head-on, inspired by the scorched home of one of his classmates. Undistracted by the question of “Should We Try To Help The Recently Displaced Family of My Classmate?” our boy says, hey, what about ME? His parents promptly send him off to seek answers at the fire station, so they can work on the new insurance scam their son’s question has inspired. “Honey, what if we had a fire? Maybe then I could get that Camaro I’ve always wanted!” Pretty much every party Mike, Kevin and Bill have ever attended has ended with the question What If We Had A Fire?
S03E105 - 22/09/2010 - Seven Little Ducks
When police inspector Launchpad McQuack receives a phone call that Huey, Dewey and Louie have gone missing, his initial inclination was to suspect the Beagle Boys - a suspicion that his neighbor Donald Duck was only too happy to go along with. But Donald seemed a little too concerned about keeping Launchpad away from his newly planted garden bed, instead plying the straight-laced cop with a dish he called "Diablo Pato." And that's when the first severed head turned up in a box on Launchpad's doorstep, pulling him down into a twisted web of intrigue, with the case growing more depraved and fiendish with each passing hour. Sorry about that, that would be the plot of Se7en Little Ducks. Seven Little Ducks on the other hand is a good-natured short about a brace of ducks. You might assume that there would be seven ducks, but you would be a moron for expecting the good people at Coronet Films to do something as logical as naming their educational short in accordance with how many ducks are actually in said short. The ducks are owned by Carol, who is played by a Gamorrean Guard. Carol has mastered basic duck-care skills such as feeding them gravel and strangling them. The ducks detest their cruel owner, and led by the hideous Father Duck, whose skin condition makes Two Face look like a Noxzema model, plan a coup. I'm sorry, I'm also being informed that that should be "Coop", and is not a bloody takeover, but rather the enclosure within which the ducks reside. Obviously we can't get our details right about the content of the short, so just tune in to Seven Little Ducks along with Mike, Kevin and Bill and see for yourself. Quack.
S03E106 - 28/09/2010 - Cops: Who Needs Them?
When we're deciding what shorts to screen here at RiffTrax, there's a 27 step, bullet-pointed criteria we use. Then we just pick the ones with the funniest title. More often than not, this leads to disappointment. It turns out that Why Do We Still Have Mountains* was far duller than its title would indicate and Could a Goldfish Become Mayor of Tallahassee is in fact a short that we just made up. One short that fortunately bucked the trend is the hilariously titled Cops: Who Needs Them? It tells the story of a nihilistic band of youths, who despite their apparent middle class upbringing and lack of any real responsibility or hardship in their lives, have developed a healthy distrust of cops. The characters, whose viewpoint about cops is evidently modeled entirely around the West Side Story number "Officer Krupke", also happen to be just about the ugliest bunch of kids you've ever seen. Seriously, we think that Moosebaby makes a cameo appearance as Frank. The very cops whose need is questioned in the title are none too pleased about the sassmouth the teens are giving them and decide to take their leader along with them on a ridealong, mortally endangering his life and no doubt violating dozens of laws and protocols. Don't worry though, someone who may or may not be his dad and who also may or may not be furious at his son for having his car stolen gave them some sort of vague, verbal confirmation over the phone that it was OK. I don't think it qualifies as a spoiler to inform you that on the ridealong, somebody does in fact get shot.** Experience Cops: Who Needs Them? yourself along with Mike, Kevin and Bill who all think they smell bacon. Yep, definitely bacon. (It has nothing to do with the short about cops, someone just happens to be making bacon. As usual.) *Not a joke, this was a real short we screened **Also not a joke, someone really gets shot
S03E107 - 05/10/2010 - You Can Do Something About Acne
Listen up, pizza-faced creeps! Until now, you’ve suffered shameful, wretched existences. Cowering in dark cellars. Adopting beekeeping as a hobby, just for the veil. Wearing a drug store Ninja Turtle Halloween mask all year long, playing it off as an ironic affectation. Even converting to new religions that require face coverings when in public. But no longer! The title of our new short makes a clear and simple promise: You Can Do Something About Acne! And, since this is a RiffTrax short, you can rest assured that promise will go completely unfulfilled! Yes, get used to your zits and the politely repulsed reactions of the opposite sex, because this film has no real advice for you. Maybe eat less junk food, maybe don’t, it’s hard to say. Maybe stop smearing your face with a stick of butter every morning, maybe smear more butter, there’s no good way to know. One thing’s for sure, though, your face is full of horrible stuff you didn’t know about, including a sticky substance named “sebum”. That’s right, sebum. You’re oozing with sebum. Deal with that. Excess pus and permanent scarring are NOT* symptoms of joining Mike, Kevin, and Bill for You Can Do Something About Acne! *Probably. Really, we can’t be sure.
S03E108 - 12/10/2010 - Safe Living at School
Safe Living at School pulls no punches with its straightforward title: This is a short which attempts to tell you how to make it through the school day unscathed. Your elementary school is a virtual house of horrors, where an act as innocuous as opening a locker can result in a vicious badger mauling! A playful swing on the monkey bars can be interrupted by an atom bomb explosion! Eating the cafeteria pizza can slightly burn the roof of your mouth, not enough to cause you to stop eating it but enough to make you take a slightly longer pause in between your first and second bites! But the short, and dare we say humanity, fails to address the one safety issue that haunted us throughout our primary school years: Mrs. Pinkett, the bus driver who would sit on children when they misbehaved. Why this was tolerated by the school board, we have no idea, but it definitely happened, because an older kid who rode her bus one year totally knew a guy who saw her do it once. You'd sit facing straight ahead, not misbehaving except for the 98% of time you were on the bus that the wheels were moving, terrified that the slightest infraction, such as dropping a watermelon out the back window into the path of an ambulance, might trigger the wrath of Mrs. Pinkett, and then: SQUASH!!! Perhaps you find this example unrelatable. Trust me, if you were there, you would never forget it. Regardless, if it were covered in Safe Living at School, the short would not doubt put forth that it could be handled in one way: by freeze-framing the action and playing a hilarious timpani drum sound every time an accident occurred. This takes place approximately 730 times during this brief short. The timpani drum is to this short what jokes about how white people dance are to an 80s Def Comedy Jam standup routine: consisting of the majority of the act and each one more hilarious than the last. Mike, Kevin and Bill have safely lived at a school for over two years now, living in the janitor&#
S03E109 - 15/10/2010 - Behavior of Domestic Pigs in a semi-Natural Pig-Park
You can't underestimate the importance of a good title. What would "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" be if it were called "Some Stuff That Good People Do Good"? Or if "Who Moved my Cheese" had been called "How is this bottle of EZ Cheez empty already? I just bought it yesterday!" Or if "Thirty Two Short Films About Glenn Gould" had been called "G. Gould: Sexecutioner"? Actually, we probably would have gone to see that last one...Anyways, the point is, titling your work of art is in itself an important art form. Or, shall we say, it was, because with our latest RiffTrax short, the perfect title has been achieved. We present to you: Behavior of Domestic-Pigs in a semi-natural Pig-Park. It has everything: unnecessary capitalization! Unnecessary hyphenation!...um...pigs! Yes, pigs, everyone's favorite raw material for bacon, finally are the subject of their own short. But these are not the lovable pigs you're used to. These are rough and tumble semi-natural pigs that make Hogzilla look like Babe, and make Babe look like some sort of high voiced, sheep-befriending wuss! You'll never look at your breakfast ham steak the same way again after you watch two boars butt heads in a vicious dispute over some semi-natural turf. And you'll abandon your ham steak altogether as you excuse yourself to go vomit in the bathroom once you witness the horrors of a pig process known as Parturition. Fortunately, a bewildering Scottish narrator is on hand to confuse the issue even further. Mike, Kevin and Bill riff this one from the confines of their own semi-natural Pig-Park, which they have entitle Xanapig.
S03E110 - 19/10/2010 - Monkey See, Monkey Do: Verbs
In working on Monkey See, Monkey Do: Verbs, we came across a rare find: a behind-the-scenes audio recording from the making of the film! Before submitting the material to a museum, where it belongs, we’ve transcribed the conversation: Producer Norman Bean and Director of Photography, Carl, working at the height of their craft. Enjoy! Norman Bean: Carl, I’d like to talk to you about the footage you shot for our new educational short on verbs. I asked you to film, let’s see...a playground, a beach, a softball game, and the Fourth of July parade. Carl: Ah, yep. I didn’t do any of that. Norman Bean: I see that, Carl. It seems you just went to the zoo and filmed some monkeys. Carl: Yep, sure did. They got some pretty good monkeys, down there at the zoo. Norman Bean: In fact you only filmed them for about three minutes, and then looped that footage three times. Carl: Did I? Heh, heh. Well, I was pretty stoned. Norman Bean: This doesn’t teach anything. In fact it might make children dumber. Carl: Norm, I got an 8-year old. He spent an hour yesterday playing with some tin foil he found in the bottom of his backpack. Kids are morons. They’ll watch anything. Let’s slap a crappy song on it and head to the strip club. “Strip” - now there’s a verb! Norman Bean: Good Lord, I...okay. Okay, fine. This is not our proudest day. Carl: Look at them monkeys scratch! After serious consideration of the material, Mike, Kevin, and Bill implore you to - HOLY COW TAKE A LOOK AT THESE MONKEYS! THEY ARE FREAKING HILARIOUS
S03E111 - 25/10/2010 - Don't Be A Bloody Idiot
Life in Australia can be extremely hazardous. There's Tasmanian devil attacks, lethal doses of vegemite and large, bearded, drunken men. And that's just in the Parliament building!* Once you head out into the bush - just allow that to sink in for a second - the dangers of a vest wearing man disparaging the size of your knife become that much more pronounced. Thus, if you plan on camping in Australia, Don't Be A Bloody Idiot: watch Don't Be A Bloody Idiot. Mike, Kevin and Bill, (all of them Stickybeaks), pool their last Brass Razoo, try not to act like a bunch of Ockers and google "Australian slang" to find out what the hell we're talking about as they riff one of the finest 1970s Australian camping safety films they've ever seen: Don't Be A Bloody Idiot. *We know they have a parliament because the Australian guy Bart prank calls goes to his local member of parliament to try to sort out the issue before turning to the prime minister.
S03E112 - 05/11/2010 - Magical Disappearing Money
When we first received Magical Disappearing Money we assumed it was an M.C. Hammer biopic. Fortunately, it turned out to be something even more pathetic and strange! It’s the tale of a supermarket haunted by a witch, but not your standard-issue Hollywood witch. She’s more the “found her clothes in an oil puddle behind the Fashion Bug” kind of witch. The kind of witch who shows up at KFC five minutes before close, looking for free stale biscuits. You can bet she didn’t attend Hogwarts, but maybe its discount online equivalent, Pigzits. Join the Grocery Witch as she takes Mike, Kevin, and Bill on a spooky* journey into the dark realm of insignificant savings! After Magical Disappearing Money, you’ll never waste money on extravagances like “fancy seasoned rice” again!** *creepy **you absolutely will, and are right to do so
S03E113 - 08/11/2010 - Values: Understanding Ourselves
Values: Understanding Ourselves is the tale of three small boys who find a rusty hubcap in an abandoned lot and take turns rubbing it and wishing for it to turn them into a fellow classmate. "Stop right there", you are no doubt saying. "If Hollywood decides to revisit that played out, 'three boys find a hubcap and rub it' plot one more time, I will just freak out man!!!" Yes, by now it's a bit of a cliche. But we think you will find that this particular "Three boys and a hubcap" story brings something new to the table: complete and utter incoherence. The message, is ostensibly, "values". And it's quite likely that back in the fifties, the term "values" had an entirely different meaning, as did "gay" or "internet".* But we've been unable to discern that meaning. Our best guess so far is that it meant "nougat". Join Mike, Kevin and Bill in the abandoned lot of your imagination, for Nougat: Understanding Ourselves. *It meant "gay", oddly enough.
S03E114 - 23/11/2010 - The Calendar: How to Use It
The Calendar. Whether you choose a Far Side page-a-day, an Anne Geddes year-of-horror or Twelve Months of Lifeguards that May Be Used as Flotation Devices, one thing is certain: none of us know how to use the damn things. Fortunately, five minutes before recording The Calendar: How to Use It, the producers told a PA to pick up a guitar that he didn't know how to play and write some songs explaining the intricacies of the calendar. The result is quite possibly the most tuneless piece of garbage since The Beatles "Wild Honey Pie", except instead of the charming introductory act of "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da", The Calendar: How to Use It has two spandex clad adults who intrude in a young girl's bedroom in a fashion that Antoine Dodson would disapprove of. Suffice to say, you will be far more confused about the calendar by the time the thing is done. Mike, Kevin and Bill team up not only to riff this short, but also to open an eBay store selling vintage 1994 calendars, which are due to fully mature in value in 2017.
S03E115 - 07/12/2010 - Unto The Least Of These
Our latest short takes its name from a famous quote from The Gospel of Matthew. Or maybe it was from the episode of Eek The Cat, "Eek vs the Flying Saucers." What's important is that even though our newest short derives its title from one of these two important works, its subject matter, the Attwater's Prairie Chicken, does not appear in either work (we're certain about the Eek the Cat episode, less up to speed on our book of Matthew.) Yes, at the time the short was made, the Attwater's Prairie Chicken appeared to be Booming it's way towards extinction. The chickens' famed Booming grounds, where they once Boomed by the hundreds of thousands, had been paved over for a Showbiz Pizza, leaving them Boom-less. (After repeated viewings of the short, we think Booming refers to some sort of dice game.) The short details the efforts of a few concerned citizens, with nothing, literally nothing better to do than to save some chickens who it appears were public enemy one of Natural Selection. Hastily taped cardboard boxes, helicopters mounted with huge Wile E. Coyote inspired nets and, yes, Booming, all figure prominently. Mike, Kevin and Bill take a break from Booming to riff Unto the Least of These.
S03E116 - 18/12/2010 - Santa Claus' Punch and Judy
When you ponder ideal Christmas entertainment for children, do you think of a centuries-old tradition of violent puppetry, complete with domestic abuse and offensive minstrel-themed puppets thrashing each other? Well, you’d better--what’s that? That IS what you think of? Exactly that? Yes, well I realize I asked, but it was intended as a rhetorical question, really a set-up for a joke--what’s that? Oh, well I suppose that is a rather hackneyed structure for making a point, but...you know what, why don’t you just get the hell out of here! For EVERYONE ELSE, Santa Claus’ Punch and Judy will serve as a disturbing, yet delightful, foray into puppet-based hate comedy that predates Jeff Dunham by hundreds of years! It’s a special treat, as avid Punch and Judy enthusiasts, known as “Punch men” (these people actually exist) have named this particular performance “the best to have come from the States” (this is an actual quote). Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Santa Claus’ Punch and Judy: hilarious puppet mayhem that will have the kids laughing, and then sobbing in confusion, for years to come!
S03E117 - 28/12/2010 - Courtesy A Good Eggsample
Do you like Courtesy? How about Egg Puns? After a few drinks, have you been known to expound at length about how Sheldon, the egg with legs, was truly the unsung hero of the US Acres segments of the late 80's animated show "Garfield and Friends"? Yes? You have? Then kindly stay away from us, as that is just a comedically specific quirk that we made up thinking that nobody could ever really have and it is really creepy that you actually do that. Instead of drinking and lecturing us, why not tune into the latest RiffTrax short, Courtesy: A Good Eggsample. Forgoing human actors, as Tommy Wiseau did in "The Room", and instead replacing them with eggs, Courtesy: A Good Eggsample breaks bold new ground in the field of courtesy education. Mainly it does this through a relentless combination of groaning egg puns and horrible synth music, stopping briefly at the end to inform us that we've learned an important lesson about courtesy. The stop-motion animation nature of the film leads us to believe that substantially more time was invested in this short than many of the ones we've done before, which makes it even more impressive that it fails to deliver a moral with even a shred of coherence. On the other hand, they resisted the urge to name the lead characters something as obvious as "Eggbert" and "Benedict." This just in, I'm being informed that, no, they in fact did not resist that urge. Mike, Kevin and Bill team up for eggseptional riffing on Courtesy: A Good Eggsample
S03E118 - 04/01/2011 - The Being On Time Game
Alfred Higgins Productions famously struck gold with their "demand for obedience masked as fun" short The Following Instructions Game. Flush with confidence and literally tens of dollars in money, the AHP crew tried to replicate their success with a pair of new "game" shorts: The Doing Your Own Laundry Game, followed by The Turning All the Matchsticks in the Box So They Face the Same Direction Game. They even took a shot at board games with Chutes & Don’t Ask Daddy So Many Damned Questions When He's Watching the Aerobics Channel. These projects were met with utter indifference from the public, and the company would have gone under if not for bankrolling from Alfred Higgins' infamous "pygmy milk bootlegging" fortune. But the light of success finally shone again with the release of The Being On Time Game! Fans were enraptured by the brilliant casting of a child who stunned with her Eleanor Roosevelt good looks. Even Mr. Mac was sprung from prison and convinced to resume his "creepy rhyming workshop freak" role. The critics raved, calling it "Definitely something that was filmed!" Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for an unforgettable round of The Being On Time Game! Don't be late or you'll lose bonus points and harvest eleven counter-demerit units (it's a very complicated game).
S03E119 - 11/01/2011 - Basic Job Skills: Handling Daily Problems
If you have Daily Problems at your work, the humanitarians at Coronet Films are here to help you Handle them. And assuming that most of your problems center around how ugly your 1970s co-workers are, this is just the film for you! We'll meet a nurse living out a real life Grey's Anatomy, with the part of McDreamy being played by "Dan"*, someone who cannot have ever been taken seriously by anybody. Then step into the shoes of a successful restaurant manager, who packs in the customers every night of the week despite sounding like a creepier version of serial killer Jame Gumb. Finally, we'll Shake Hands with Cattiness at a construction site where terrible facial hair threatens to undermine all we hold dear as a nation of free people. Basic Job Skills - Handling Daily Problems won't teach you anything new about how to act at work, but it may make the woman in the cubicle next to yours who hums the theme song to "Denver The Last Dinosaur" and calls her cats on the phone three times a day seem a bit less irritating in comparison. *We're pretty sure Dan is Reggie from Beginning Responsibility: Taking Care of Your Own Things all grown up.
S03E120 - 18/01/2011 - Courtesy Counts A Lot!
Some people would say that good old-fashioned common courtesy is dead in modern times. And we here at RiffTrax think those ugly jerks should keep their crusty mouths closed if they know what’s good for ‘em! Oh, we’re kidding of course, but if you think we’d hold the elevator for you as you approached rather than hurriedly push the “Close Door” button while avoiding eye contact, you’ve got another thing coming. So maybe we’ve got some learning to do when it comes to courtesy (shocking, after the powerful breakfast-based examples of recent short Courtesy: A Good Eggsample) -- good thing we’ve got Courtesy Counts A Lot to set us straight! And what could be more instructive than animated vignettes about a young nerd getting his hot air balloon in a palm tree, only to be assaulted by a giraffe...or a ghostly clown crossing paths with an angry armadillo...Hm. Well, at least there’s a hideous 2-line song playing under the entire film, sung by a chorus of children who sound so nervous you have to wonder if they’ve recently spent time on a beach with Santa Claus and a certain dessert-based Bunny. Yes, Courtesy Counts A Lot -- and apparently causes schizophrenia! After learning the lessons of Courtesy Counts A Lot, Mike, Kevin, and Bill were trapped in the room for 3 hours attempting to let each other be the first out the door. The final result: bloodshed.
S03E121 - 08/02/2011 - Remember Me
Meet The Customer, three time finalist for the title of Most Disrespected Man in America. No matter where he goes: the bank, the supermarket, even his job, somebody is waiting to ignore him, inconvenience him, or throw confetti in his face while laughing uproariously.* How does The Customer respond to this disrespect? By showing the merest hint of backbone and asserting himself ever so slightly? Or by absorbing life’s blows with dead eyes and muttering to himself that one day, he’ll show them... He’ll show them all!!! (He honestly does B. Seriously, it’s pretty creepy.) Mike, Kevin and Bill team up to riff the consumer education short, Remember Me, which is approximately 60,000,000% less tasteless than the Robert Pattinson movie, Remember Me. *Usually this only happens when he goes to Rip Taylor’s house
S03E122 - 11/02/2011 - Walking to School
Imagine you are a 1950s elementary school student, and you have just walked to school. Sure, you didn’t really want to go, but now you’re there and ready to learn. Maybe enjoy a vintage Cold War-era nuclear bomb drill, a great opportunity to crawl under your desk. As you settle in, resting your legs which you have just used to walk to school, the teacher puts an educational film into the projector. The subject...Walking to School?!?! What!? But, but, that’s what you just did! It’s the one thing you DEFINITELY don’t need to learn! Just by virtue of BEING at school, it should be clear that...no, no, you calm yourself. Teacher knows what she’s doing, quell your rage, this film must have value. WRONG AGAIN! As the minutes of your life tick by, you see the film is nothing but an excruciating real-time enactment of two kids walking to school! And these particular kids happen to live absurdly far from their school, traversing overpasses, underground tunnels, and even unexplored regions of the Yukon in their voyage. And, wait, they’re brother and sister, why won’t they stop holding hands?! You hold your tongue and prepare to take out your stifled aggression on anyone who looks at you funny at recess later in the day, because it’s the 1950s and that’s just what you do. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they hurl stale Twinkies at passing kids who are Walking to School. And once they’re done with that part of their everyday morning routine, they will watch the short Walking to School!
S03E123 - 18/02/2011 - Improve Your Pronunciation
Oscar-nominated film The King’s Speech focuses on a world leader who struggles under the burden of a devastating speech impediment (or so we’ve been told, we were gonna see it but accidentally watched Birdemic 35 more times instead). If Improve Your Pronunciation had been around to help that troubled monarch, The King’s Speech would never have been made, providing an open slot in the Best Picture nominees list for another amazing film that has not received the award recognition it so richly deserves (....no, we’re not talking about Birdemic...okay, yes we are). Improve Your Pronunciation imagines speech instruction, not as a private lesson with a certified professional, but as a garish game show hosted by the one and only Ned Blandford! Yes, that’s actually his name, why would you ask? No, I don’t think you should look into his criminal record. Seriously, it won’t be good. Just watch as Ned takes the shame of these poor speakers, ”grunters”, and “smudgers”, and airs it out for the world to see! After learning the lessons of Improve Your Pronunciation, Mike, Kevin and Bill would like to say “Thbpppbt snorfk inamota Ryan Phillippe!”
S03E124 - 01/03/2011 - Basic Job Skills: Dealing With Customers
Your Basic Job Skills, or more accurately, your lack thereof, are why you are no longer employed at Long John Silver's. Yes, we know you've been telling people it's because your manager, Navid, was a jerk. But really, how was he supposed to react when he caught you and Darrell in the walk-in trying to see how many hush puppies you could fit up your nose?* In Basic Job Skills: Dealing with Customers, you'll learn how to handle the biggest thorn in any menial employee's side: the customer. Whining, complaining, yelling, bleeding all over the floor because the Cabbage Patch Doll you sold them came alive in the middle of the night and tried to eat their hair, customers are the worst. Unfortunately, a fact of business in the modern era is that you need customers to survive (although that Pole Dancing Fitness Class / Do It Yourself Dog Wash place by us has stayed open for like three years and we've never seen a single person in there.) In this short, you'll examine three different jobs, and how they deal with customers. Mostly it's by passing the buck and acting like they are too busy to help out with an assigned task. If you're reading this at work, you are likely already familiar with these tactics. But it also touches on advanced methods, such as the dog trainer who didn't think she dealt with customers, until she realized that she does.** Mike, Kevin and Bill pry the hush puppies out of their noses and team up to riff Basic Job Skills: Dealing With Customers. *Five. You surprised even yourself that fateful day. **Yep.
S03E125 - 11/03/2011 - The ABC of Walking Wisely
Jaywalking! It's convenient, exciting, good for a laugh or two. But is it wise? To find out, let's watch The ABC of Walking Wisely, which weighs in on J-walking as well as the rest of the walking alphabet. Oh, you weren't aware there was an entire walking alphabet? You're not familiar with common phrases like O-walking and K-walking? Are you curious how to avoid these deadly pitfalls? Intrigued by the subtle differences between the A-Walker and the Y-Walker? Then this is the short for you! Pop in The ABC of Walking Wisely and watch a delightful collection of dumb kids play in traffic. If you notice a reduced desire to be a Q-Walker afterwards, you can thank us then. Mike, Kevin and Bill team up to riff The ABC of Walking Wisely, and more importantly, to walk around like the kid who thinks he's Sir Kay.
S03E126 - 29/03/2011 - Vision in the Forest
Few would argue that Visions in the Forest rarely end well, especially if they’re brought on by the special chocolates the hippie left at your campsite before he scurried off, muttering about spruce bark beetles. But there’s one thing we all can agree on: few Visions in the Forest are more terrifying than the sight of Vaughn Monroe’s family. Yes, Vaughn Monroe, best known for singing “Riders in the Sky” in the short Vision in the Forest, loves the great outdoors, and so does his family, despite the fact that two of them appear to be the living dead. His youngest daughter, who has yet to adopt the ghastly pallor so fancied by her mother and sister, encounters Smokey the Bear in the forest and learns an important lesson: stay the hell away from grown men who dress as Smokey the Bear and lurk around the forest. Mike, Kevin and Bill each experienced “Visions in the Forest”* during the riffing of this short.
S03E127 - 19/04/2011 - A Badger's Bad Day
A Badger’s Bad Day is the harrowing tale of a Badger who works as a middle manager at a cell phone case manufacturing plant. He returns home after a particularly exhausting shift to discover a window broken on his house, and the front door ajar. His family is gone, but there are signs of a struggle. A bloody knife is discovered in the bathroom sink, and a severed toe is prominently placed on the kitchen table, on top of a taunting ransom note. Badger, filled with rage, must hunt down his family’s abductors on a journey that will uncork the decades of repressed rage he had worked so hard...so hard to keep down...Sure, Badger’s having a Bad Day...But for the kidnappers, it’s about to get even worse... What’s that? Not even remotely resembling the plot of this short? In reality, Badger just gets sprayed by a skunk and then encounters other woodland creatures who seem more indifferent than hostile to him? Well I guess that wouldn’t really equal a “Good Day.” Though does that by definition make it a “Bad Day”? Some might say...dear god! Is that a toe on my kitchen table!?! Oh wait, no, it’s a Cheeto. Mmm, delicious... Mike, Kevin and Bill consider any day involving badgers to be a Good Day.
S03E128 - 22/04/2011 - Families: Earning and Spending
Anybody who strapped in for the thrill ride that was Families: Food and Eating probably assumes they got the whole story. Three families from three different countries prepared food, and they ate it. Knuckle-whitening stuff, no doubt, but could there possibly be more? Hold on to your culturally-appropriate hat, because THERE SURE IS!! That food didn’t just come from nowhere, sonny, and Families: Earning and Spending is here to fill you in! All the stereotypical families are back. The smug, stoned San Franciscans, the efficient, unsmiling Japanese, and the hard-working, thank-God-they-can’t-see-the-spoiled-San-Francisco-family Mexicans! It’s a full-on prequel...or is it a series reboot? Hm. Well, the characters are the same, so, leaning prequel...but there’s definitely some retcon happening, though, so probably r