Why we need to embrace introverted black women in the workplace

DeepPonderer said:

If this isn't your daily struggle, good for you. It doesn't mean that what we go through isn't valid. There is nothing wrong with being yourself. The problem is for those of us who are not like what is portrayed in the media. Let's be frank. There are many non-black people who don't deal with black people outside of work. Their exposure to us is limited to how we're portrayed through media and propaganda and most of it is bad. And yes, workplace racism is real. The gaslighting, the microaggression - it's real. The undermining, the expectation for us to be less than our best - all real.

Many of us who are commenting in this thread have gone through the same experiences or worse. You think we're all exaggerating?

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You need to go back and quote the comments that are bothering you bc in no way did I say anyone’s experience isn’t real or that racism in the work place is fake.

What I did say was:

1. We don’t have to put down other Black women by calling them a stereotype to prove white people are racist
2. We need to stop providing excuses for their racism by blaming it on the media.

I see you are doing #2. Black people come out the womb expected to show respect to white people all while living and breathing in predominantly Black spaces with “limited exposure” to non Black people but SOMEHOW white people can’t show respect to us and for our individual selfs bc of the tv????

Stop.

White people aren’t giving us human decency bc, news flash, white people are racist. That’s what’s hurting you. Not bc they saw Cookie on Empire or the Gorilla glue woman or the extroverted Black co worker, no, they are ignorant and they choose to lump us together to fit their narrative.

If I can STILL respect the white people around me and separate them from allll of the white craziness we saw on tv under Trump then they can do the same for me.

And I expect nothing less. Im an introvert but I’m not inferior. Being an assertive introvert is a choice.

ruegauche said:

I wonder if remote work is more beneficial for black women who are on the more reserved/introverted side? I did fine in the office because I knew how to “fake it” but then there was also times when I received constructive criticism about being too quiet. Black women are seen as monolithic which sucks because we are so multifaceted yet aren’t allowed to just be, people either want us for labor or to be their entertainment.

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Y’all give people the benefit of the doubt too much.

It is not a matter of needing more representation. It is a matter of their willingness to be prejudice and racist. If they wanted to change they would.

Find a way to become self employed or start your own business and never look back.

Authenticbae said:

100% resonate with this! Ive been told ive been standoffish and closed off.. always had a suspicion it was because i am not the loud stereotype

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Girl one tried to tell me my coworkers felt intimidated by me.

By doing my work, staying quiet and minding my business!?!?

They really don't know what to do when we don't fit their stereotype smh

lanoire said:

They may not be telling Asians to their faces, but it’s part of the reason why they are being passed up for promotions and are not often seen at higher positions in companies.

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asian are always in high positions where I've worked. it's always asians and yts at the top.

Just came to post this:



I feel this thread so much. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been labeled quiet since childhood.

I’m 40 now and I’m still the same way. When I got pregnant a few years ago, you would have thought I cured cancer with the way people congregated around me like I was some kind of exhibit.

You shocked that the ‘quiet’ lady is living her life???? Leave me alone!!! My life (work or leisure) is none of your business.

I’m glad my supervisor now lets me be me. He understands I don’t wanna talk everyday or constantly be bothered. He gives me my space and allows me to be independent.

other people are always all over your back. Trying to make small talk, which I hate. The anxiety of trying to find something to say or not appear irritated. No I will not dance for you, no I don’t wanna talk about rap music or black issues or movies or culture period with YOU. I’m not that kinda black girl and never will be. I don’t like white people or non blacks like that and I don’t wanna be friends.

Rere84 said:

I'm trying to break into that realm but not sure where to begin, all my experience is me being "front line" staff

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I

Rere84 said:

I'm trying to break into that realm but not sure where to begin, all my experience is me being "front line" staff

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The field I work in has may remote jobs thankfully however I'm done with this field and I'm considering re training for jobs that can be done 100% remotely like IT and counselling over the phone I have also many HR jobs that state remote working.

Not only in white dominated spaces but in general black women seem to be expected to be super social and extroverted. When you’re not, people will go out of their way to find out about you. Even resorting to the internet to try to look up your address like a real psycho. (The internet can often give false info but an idiot would not know this.) I don’t know why some people find it so hard to believe that not they are not interesting to everyone and no one owes them a conversation or a response to text messages. If the person is not bothering you, just leave them alone. You’re not that special.

Story of my life!

shay baby said:

I am one of those black women that do my work and go home. I dont attend social events and never have. I still by the grace of God have managed to make a salary over 100K salary.

In my opinion equating salary and attending social events is a mute point. I think if you were to survey alot of the BW in this thread, most probably make good salaries to support their families and lifestyles. Attending social events does not make you immune to behaviors that are demoralizing. In all my years of working, I have never tried to change someones personality to make me feel comfortable. I have had to learn to just simply not go above and beyond to interact with personalities that may trigger me to get out of pocket. When you try to limit those interactions people will still test you and push your buttons in order to try to get certain reactions out of you.

People know that if they can get certain reactions out of BW then they can escalate to managment and HR to bring you into submission or to run you off of a job.

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Preach!!! I have personally seen the extroverts have a lot of drama. Beside slick comments about needing me to engage more, I have yet to have any serious public beef with coworkers/managers. “Needing to engaged” never got me fired.

I always say they can fire me for not doing my job but not for not being social. My job is not a social job. It is 2021. People quit their job everyday. If you have a good resume and excellent interview skills, someone can find another job and earn higher salary without having to show face at every happy hour etc. I seen these people get fired for sexual harassment issues, arguments about petty stuff like rumors and other stuff. I’m like ummm they really want me to be that social. Nope I love myself.

Like you said, I am grown. I won’t try to make someone like me. If they do, it’s awesome. If they don’t, that’s not my problem. I try to stay away but if I am forced to interact, I remain professional and cordial.

I do think some work associates are needed for promotions but it can happen in work place as someone’s own pace. I recently learned this because I do not feel like switching jobs in next few years. I currently asked my manager to job shadow a person at another department. I want to change careers and it’s going well. I know another person. I also started to give amazing Christmas or Happy Boss Day gift to managers. I give money for the teams gift and my own so I can stand out. They remember gifts when they are writing performance reviews. It can be very annoying but I think introvert just have to use traits to advantage. Do not have to be overly friendly but do small things to not be invisible. I don’t think people will ever understand us.

I love people who don't talk a lot at work. I'm more worried about the ones who need to be everyone's friend.

Miss_Single said:

Thank God for this board because I didn't realize so many of us get treated like this in the workplace but I'm thankful in that you ladies teach us on how to respond to these idiots. And yes, I've been treated like shit from ALL colors but mainly women.

When I was going through this crap at my previous jobs I felt like NO ONE understood and I was going crazy. Fast forward, I can handle these fools now and the best advice I can give is to have a strong circle of family/friends that you can just relax and vent to. I haven't changed and never will, my personality is just that and if they don't like it, oh well.

Those of you who work from home, I envy you.

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OKAY? Can I say that I also have mainly been treated like shit by other women in the workplace? I do not believe in gender solidarity because of this shit. I was once written up by a woman because I had a super heavy flow and it leaked on an office chair. I told a male superior about why my file has that as a write up and he was so shocked and appalled like , what about feminism I didn't ruin the chair on purpose.

THEDARKVIXEN said:

Y’all give people the benefit of the doubt too much.

It is not a matter of needing more representation. It is a matter of their willingness to be prejudice and racist. If they wanted to change they would.

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I’m not giving anyone anything. I’m well aware that people are racist and have no interest in changing how they view black women. I’m certainly not naive about how stereotypes and prejudice works in the workplace and society in general.

Deacon C said:

Just came to post this:

I feel this thread so much. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been labeled quiet since childhood.

I’m 40 now and I’m still the same way. When I got pregnant a few years ago, you would have thought I cured cancer with the way people congregated around me like I was some kind of exhibit.

You shocked that the ‘quiet’ lady is living her life???? Leave me alone!!! My life (work or leisure) is none of your business.

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Lmao. Dear God. I'm afraid the same is going to happen to me when I get pregnant in the future, and they begin to notice at work. "The quiet woman actually has sex....... and talks to someone in order to do so!!"

I’m here for this!!! people are so shocked when they meet me and i’m so quiet and laid black almost like i don’t fit the description they had picked out for me lol

IdaBDamn said:

You need to go back and quote the comments that are bothering you bc in no way did I say anyone’s experience isn’t real or that racism in the work place is fake.

What I did say was:

1. We don’t have to put down other Black women by calling them a stereotype to prove white people are racist
2. We need to stop providing excuses for their racism by blaming it on the media.

I see you are doing #2. Black people come out the womb expected to show respect to white people all while living and breathing in predominantly Black spaces with “limited exposure” to non Black people but SOMEHOW white people can’t show respect to us and for our individual selfs bc of the tv????

Stop.

White people aren’t giving us human decency bc, news flash, white people are racist. That’s what’s hurting you. Not bc they saw Cookie on Empire or the Gorilla glue woman or the extroverted Black co worker, no, they are ignorant and they choose to lump us together to fit their narrative.

If I can STILL respect the white people around me and separate them from allll of the white craziness we saw on tv under Trump then they can do the same for me.

And I expect nothing less. Im an introvert but I’m not inferior. Being an assertive introvert is a choice.

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You need to go back and read my comment because nowhere in my comment did I say white people. I said non-black people. You do realize that other so-called people of color can be racist too, right?

And when I said media, I wasn't just talking television shows, I was talking about the news media. I was talking about how we're shown in the worst possible light - as criminals, as people who don't value family and education, and as people who don't have a strong work ethic. No matter how well spoken, well mannered, and hardworking we are, that doesn't stop racists from saying the most offensive shit.

There was an Asian who worked in my office. He walked past my cubicle and say out loud "Don't forget your Obama phone." I'm putting in the same 40 hours as this motherfucker, but doing more work, and my phone just had to be an Obama phone? Now why is that?

As black women in the workplace, we are constantly disrespected and undermined. Our immediate supervisors appear dismissive of any ideas we have only to turn around and steal them later. And why not? Nobody believes that anything intelligent can come from a black woman. This is what we deal with.

chile, i'm an extrovert and they still tell me I'm not enough and exclude me.

sometimes it can feel impossible to win.

I wouldn't consider myself an introvert but at work I've always been quiet because it's work I'm PAID to be there and work and that was it for me. When I was in college and worked service jobs, I was always told I had an attitude problem where I didn't have one. White people see a Black person in a service job and get excited thinking the South has risen again. I would get things thrown at me, called a n*gger constantly, and just threatened all the time because of the specific area I worked in. My bosses NEVER helped me and one even asked me what did I do when I was crying because a customer threw a glass at my head and called me a n*gger because I asked them to follow a rule my company asked me to enforce. When I changed jobs I had some white guy get mad over something that wasn't my fault AT ALL and just randomly say "Wouldn't the world be a better place if all these n*ggers were dead?". I endured this all through college and got no help or support because people thought I was provoking people because I was quiet. Because I just did my job and did it well and didn't do the fakery service job performance. I got so fed up around the time I was graduating and someone complained to me about how I didn't smile enough for them (I'm hot in a musty food service uniform why would I be smiling constantly) and I straight up said "Did all of your food come hot, ready to go, and was correct?". They replied yes but that I still give bad service because I didn't smile enough and I said "Well I'm paid $9.50 an hour. So not enough to constantly smile while doing this job well". It felt SO good to defend myself because no one else would.

It's been years and I work in corporate America now and I've learned to fake the funk there to keep the peace but I'm still really traumatized by my experiences as a college student made obvious by this long post. Where I work now I had an issue with a white male coworker and I was so nervous to bring it up, scared I'd be labeled a problem. My Team Lead straight out said when I finally mentioned it to her that she as a Black woman knows how hard that was for me to come forward because we're always afraid of being labeled "not a team player" over things like that. It's important to have each other's backs truly.

philly3 said:

I experienced this in my last job..this coworker kept complaining about me to other coworkers and management about every little thing. If I wasn’t talking to her enough then next problem would be that she didn’t like the way I talked to her then next problem is that I wasn’t making enough eye contact with, etc.

There is nothing wrong with making friends in the workplace but I wasn’t hired to be your therapist, your source of entertainment, your gossiping buddy, and the “help”. People have boundaries issues in the workplace and don’t have the good sense to not force themselves onto others

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I agree with this. Some people want you to be their dumping ground for emotions. They also want to know your personal business so they can use it against you.

TDiva said:

Everyone who js introverted gets looked over though. I'm team lead because my coworker is an introvert that can't speak in meetings with business units.

I've built my entire career off being an extrovert in IT. Most people aren't so I stand out and I'm always the team lead or manager because I can talk to people.

Everyone has their place. My coworker is an introvert and slightly on the spectrum. I used that to my advantage ans give him all the needle in a hay stack, super detailed work I don't want to do, and that is where he excels.

It legit doesn't matter what you do, people are going to dislike you and talk shit about you.

As long as the check clears...

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I agree with you completely.

At the same time I understand where some of these fonts are coming from regarding being passively aggressively attacked by coworkers and management because they aren’t fulfilling a stereotype or making non black people feel comfortable due to that person’s biased fear of black people.

Then there are some fonts are saying it is because they are introverted when the truth is they are socially awkward.

clearquartz said:

OKAY? Can I say that I also have mainly been treated like shit by other women in the workplace? I do not believe in gender solidarity because of this shit. I was once written up by a woman because I had a super heavy flow and it leaked on an office chair. I told a male superior about why my file has that as a write up and he was so shocked and appalled like , what about feminism I didn't ruin the chair on purpose.

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Damn. You have to a really f’d up person to write that up. Hopefully she’s getting hers in the worse way.

IdaBDamn said:

Stereotype is such a negative word. I wish we would allow Black women to be who they are even if their behavior align with what is portrayed in the media. I hate stepping on vivacious, friendly, slang talking Black women to prove these points. Some Black women are extroverts naturally, some aren’t. If you find yourself looking at a Black woman in your work space and thinking that bc they aren’t the same as you that they must be putting on a show for others, grow up.

The average white person sees a variety of Black women everyday. Using film/tv is tired. They have their idea of what we should be without tv. Do not let that stop you from being you. If you are loud, quiet, “yass-ing”, dancing or whatever. Do you. And if you don’t feel comfortable being that way in the work space, that’s fine too.

Anyway, chilee, I’ve only had jobs in the pharmaceutical/engineering world. Most of the people I work with are awkward and/or English is not their first language. This isn’t my daily struggle.

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I don't like it either. We can criticize NB people for thinking we're for consumption and that they're the authors of our narratives without doing that.

DeepPonderer said:

You need to go back and read my comment because nowhere in my comment did I say white people. I said non-black people. You do realize that other so-called people of color can be racist too, right?

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DeepPonderer said:

And when I said media, I wasn't just talking television shows, I was talking about the news media. I was talking about how we're shown in the worst possible light - as criminals, as people who don't value family and education, and as people who don't have a strong work ethic. No matter how well spoken, well mannered, and hardworking we are, that doesn't stop racists from saying the most offensive shit.

There was an Asian who worked in my office. He walked past my cubicle and say out loud "Don't forget your Obama phone." I'm putting in the same 40 hours as this motherfucker, but doing more work, and my phone just had to be an Obama phone? Now why is that?

As black women in the workplace, we are constantly disrespected and undermined. Our immediate supervisors appear dismissive of any ideas we have only to turn around and steal them later. And why not? Nobody believes that anything intelligent can come from a black woman. This is what we deal with.

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I can’t with this “the media shows bad Black people therefore racists treat me bad.” logic. Racists are racists. Being respectable won’t save anyone from them. But anyway, I’m done.

Have a good one.

Maybe it's just me but I feel that introverted people in general don't fare as well in these settings regardless of race.

Plentiful said:

This is why media representation matters, that image they have of you as the loud fun one is coming from media and media only. Black women seem to struggle with making that connection. Ask for better media reps and stop supporting the loud ratchet shows movies that portray you a certain way and people will be able to see you differently.

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I have a dumb question. So this article is written from a British perspective. So the stereotypes of Black British people are identical to Black American women? Including the part about the high earner statistics? I'd be curious if there's differences between the stereotypes of both groups and compare the earnings. But there's definitely similarities.

@Taz98

Lily Bart said:

I was at a job for like 2 months and had two days where I was just incredibly swamped and had to catch up from being out sick, so I pretty much kept my head down and to myself. My boss requested a meeting with me because she said I seemed like I wasn’t happy with my job anymore and wanted to see what was going on with me. These white people have never been able to get over having the authority to try to control our bodies and emotions SMH

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She sounds like an idiot. She KNEW you were out but still did all that??

CedesLady said:

One of the reasons I love working from home.

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Truth. Working from home allows me to post a gif or meme here and there, like a few comments, smile on camera here and there and meet my personality quota for the day.

No more walking around having to smile and say good morning. No more small chats with random ppl in the breakroom/restroom/elevator. No more asking if anyone wants to grab lunch hoping they will all say no. No more potlucks I have to pretend to eat. No more how was your weekend stories to share and listen to. No feeling bad about having my earbuds in ALLLLL DAY. No more wanting to sing the songs out loud but not wanting to do it in front of THEM. No more timing when I leave and come in so that I'm not the first, but also not the last. No more in person lunch meetings that u really aren't supposed to eat in...just a nibble here and there.

Lordt....Monday doesn't seem so bad now. I'm at ease on this Sunday morning.

incogneato said:

I was told I needed to talk more. I think this is an excuse not to promote. Anyway most of my coworkers are Passive aggressive and spend their days insulting me underhandedly or trying to provoke little spats so I just ignore it (and them) but try to remain civil and speak as needed until it is time to leave. A few are pleasant to be around but are outnumbered. I think they want my attention or admiration but insulting me or trying to make it appear I am not needed is not the way to do it.

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incogneato said:

I was told I needed to talk more. I think this is an excuse not to promote. Anyway most of my coworkers are Passive aggressive and spend their days insulting me underhandedly or trying to provoke little spats so I just ignore it (and them) but try to remain civil and speak as needed until it is time to leave. A few are pleasant to be around but are outnumbered. I think they want my attention or admiration but insulting me or trying to make it appear I am not needed is not the way to do it.

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Provoking disagreements is a common weapon of choice and many black people fall for it. The key is to either ignore it or put the other person on offense by putting things into question mode.

For example, instead of saying "You're saying this because I'm black" which makes them now in the position of playing victim and denying, you turn it around by NOT saying the obvious but put it as a question. Such as:

What is it about me that gave you the impression I wouldn't be reserved? Can you remind me of how long we've known of each other?

Or

Are you disappointed I'm not loud and gregarious? Have you asked everyone else on the team to be this way? If not, why me?

Black American people tend to be more direct in our communication style and this is why the racists will always try to provoke you. It gives them the advantage of making the black person the bad guy and gives them the pass they need to justify not having you there.

Black folks gotta play chess more. It sucks but that's the reality. We're typically only seen as criminals or the entertainment, so part of asserting yourself is to not give them the satisfaction but it's definitely draining

Wow I feel so seen. I intentionally seeked out a quiet office job after working in customer service during college because I was so mentally exhausted. Little did I know that I would be thrown into potlucks, drinks after work and having to constantly engage colleagues throughout the day. They are right about being overlooked for promotions too so I would get a new job every 1-2 years to increase my pay.

The only reason I’m still at my current job is because my boss is a quiet, shy Latino man and our personalities just work well together. My director is a ditzy yt woman (think Phoebe from Friends) and he shields her from me and I love it. I finally felt comfortable and secure being me. The only thing is I have gotten promoted at least 3 times since working w/ him (finally got acknowledged for my actual work) and with my latest promotion I will now require a new supervisor who is a woman. I’m just hoping she doesn’t pull the “too quiet” card because I had something good going!

Also I’ve been wfm since March 2020. Zoom meetings are the worst. Imagine being the only box on screen quiet throughout the entire meeting. Trying to get a word in w/ 11 other voices is too much! Plus I really don’t have anything to add since I carry the financial part of the team while they are out in field dealing with the company’s mission. That doesn’t concern me.

Anyway we are going back into the office for 2 days this week for a “retreat.” Pray for me y’all.